Chapter Text
Chapter One: Decision
‘No.’
‘But, Kenshin…’
‘No, I will not choose. I’m tired of being forced to make decisions that I’m not comfortable making. If you want to go with Saitou to Kyoto and work full-time for the Secret Police, go. But I’m not making that kind of decision for you, Sano, that I’m not.’ Kenshin never looked up from the laundry he was doing, never stopped washing. Sano frowned down at him.
‘What brought all of this on? Why are you all of a sudden pulling back? Have I done something to make you decide not to be with me?’ Sano was confused and the hurt in his voice was obvious.
‘Sano…’
‘Leave him. If he chooses not to work for the Secret Police, it’s his choice. If he doesn’t want to move to Kyoto with you, that’s also his choice. You can’t force him.’ The sneer in Saitou’s voice was evident as Sano spun around, startled by his appearance.
‘I wouldn’t expect you to understand, Saitou. Nor do I care if you understand. I’m just tired of everyone wanting this one to make decisions all the time, that I am.’ With that, Kenshin rose, finished hanging the clean laundry and then left, without looking at either a frowning and troubled Sano or a sneering Saitou.
‘Hajime, you don’t understand.’ Sano turned to watch Kenshin walk into the dojo’s kitchen. ‘It’s not just this job, it’s everything. He won’t make any decisions, except for maybe whether he’s getting out of bed in the morning. And half the time, it’s only because I push him until he gets out. I make the decision as to whether or not we make love, Jou-chan tells him what household chores to do and when, even Yahiko makes more decisions for him. I really am worried!’
As Sano listed all the things that Kenshin wasn’t doing, Saitou started to frown and by the time he was finished, was also looking in the direction the Battousai had gone.
‘Ahou, when did all of this start? It didn’t just appear overnight. Surely there was some sort of progression that…’
‘No, you don’t understand,’ Sano interrupted. ‘It was just like overnight Kenshin quit doing anything. It was really scary.’ Sano rubbed his forehead and looked down at the ground. ‘I mean, it’s been busy lately with everything since Shishio. He just acts, well, like nothing and nobody means anything to him anymore.’ Sano’s lower lip trembled just a little as he made the last statement and Saitou make his own decision at that moment.
‘Hn. Walk with me, ahou.’ Saitou pulled Sano out of the dojo and started down the road.
‘When exactly did all of this start, or rather, stop?’ Saitou watched Sano from the corner of his eye, noting that the roosterhead was still upset to even be talking about the situation.
‘It was about two weeks ago, not too long after we came back to Tokyo from taking care of that Feng Shui thing. It was just like he quit the next day.’
Saitou stopped in the road. ‘Right after the Feng Shui situation? Are you sure?’
Sano looked up at him. ‘Of course I’m sure! By that night, all I could get out of him was, “whatever you want, Sano”, and he has never said why!’ His trembling voice was setting all sorts of feelings off in Saitou.
‘Poor ahou. It’s a good thing that you still have me.’ Saitou smirked at Sano, pulled him into his arms and then rubbed his hands up and down his back. Sano sighed and leaned into the ex-Shinsengumi’s embrace.
‘But you’re right, something must have happened to cause the Battousai to become this way. But you have to understand, to find out why might be even more painful and cause more problems than the way he currently is behaving. Do you want to run the chance of losing him totally? At least at the moment you still have him, even though not quite the way he used to be.’ Saitou gazed at the roosterhead, making sure that he was in eye contact at all times.
‘And the fact that we have a relationship, does Himura know about us? Could this have precipitated his refusal to do anything?’
Sano looked up at his lover and gave him a small sad smile. ‘Whatever gave you the idea that he doesn’t know about us?’
Saitou pulled back with a start of surprise. ‘You never said anything about this, ahou! When did he find out or…’ Saitou’s eyes narrowed as he took a slow step back. ‘Or, when did you tell him?’
‘Tell him? He practically knew the moment we became involved. Not much gets by -- well, never used to get by Kenshin. That’s the other thing he pays no attention to anymore.’ Sano sighed and looked sadly up at the sky. ‘I came home, he looked at me, smiled, and said, “I’m glad you have found another one to love, that I am.” No recriminations, no “why have you done this to me”, nothing. Just simple acceptance.’
Saitou continued to look down at Sano. ‘You’re telling me that he isn’t jealous about us? And that’s he’s know from the beginning? Why didn’t you tell me about this, ahou? And are you that this isn’t part of what’s going on now?’
Sano slowly shook his head. ‘No, ‘cause you know that we’ve been together since just after Kyoto and Yukishiro. So, if it was that troubling to him, why wait so long? I’m tellin’ you, it was something that happened either during or right after we fought the Water Clan. And we need to do something about it!’ He gazed up at the older man who was smoking in short puffs and gazing down at his feet.
‘Water Clan. Did any of them speak to Himura during the confrontation? I was in a different part of the country, dealing with other problems, by the time I knew anything about it, it was all over.’ Saitou pulled Sano back to him and started walking toward his home. ‘Think while we walk, maybe something will come to you.’
Sano shrugged. ‘Maybe, but I’ve been thinking the last week or so and I just don’t know what could have been said. We were together except for the short time when Kenshin and Jinpu Kaze went to Nikko to check out the Jade Crest. And I can’t stay away too long; the other change is that Kenshin has gone back to having bad dreams. He doesn’t sleep, unless I’m there and holding him.’
Saitou and Sano walked quietly across Tokyo, enjoying the afternoon and each other’s company. Each had gone into the relationship understanding the time and people constraints each brought into the mix. And until this point, nothing had made any difference in the relationship. It had been easy, maybe too easy, to blend the two different lifestyles together.
Saitou continued to glance at his ahou as they walked. The roosterhead was looking more and more thoughtful as they went along.
‘We need to talk to Kaze-san. Maybe something happened when it was only the two of…’
‘You’ve thought of something?’
Sano had stopped walking and talking almost at the same instant. He stood staring down at his feet, finally looking up at Saitou.
‘Yes, Kenshin said something about fighting and then embracing who he might have become if he hadn’t stopped killing. Could something like that have made him change?’ Sano looked up at his older lover, now even more troubled.
‘The only way to find out is to ask. But you said that even his conversations with everyone has diminished to simple yes and no answers. Getting him to talk about it will probably be difficult.’
Even as the two of them started back to the dojo making their plans, the object of their plans was making some plans of his own. Realizing that he was starting to cause problems with the others in his life, Kenshin was trying to decide whether to stay or to leave.
The problem was, of course, where would he go if he did leave. He liked staying at the dojo, the chores were numerous but not difficult, and he enjoyed, or had enjoyed, the company that was there.
Kenshin sighed and looked out across the dojo from the porch were he sat. Why was everything so different from before? If only he could remember…