Chapter Text
The night had befallen on Los Santos, the shining buildings reaching into the sky, the city sounds filling every crevice of every building. A couple sharing a bed, a drug deal, a group of teenagers exiting the local mall, a hobo sleeping on cardboard, and two old men sitting next to each other at a bar. Shoulders touching. Michael took a sip of his whiskey whilst Trevor opted for some cheap beer. It all tasted the same to him anyway. He watched the droplets of water on the side of the glass whilst running his tongue over his damaged teeth. All the years of meth was starting to take a toll on his body – not that it would stop him. If you’re gonna go out, at least do it having done everything you want.
“Uh,” started Michael “How was the movie?”
He slid his eyes over to Trevor, his eyes falling on his tattoo with the word “Michael” peeking out under his sleeve.
“Mikey, you know I don’t give a fuck about movies” said Trevor rolling his eyes. He looked at Michael and couldn’t help but begin smiling “It was amazing. I actually enjoyed it.”
Michael grinned and smacked Trevor on the back. It sent tingles straight to his crotch. “I’m so glad you liked it, T. I can’t believe it – my name on that big screen”
“not really your name” Trevor said softly and Michael just replied with a “hah” and lifted his whiskey to his mouth
“It was better than that shit you used to make me watch. Black and white on those already shit motel TV’s” Trevor reminisced. Michael laughed. It raised the hair on the back of Trevor’s neck. “Hey those movies weren’t shit. They’re classics. Excuse me for trying to make you cultured”
“What the fuck makes you think trailer trash would ever become cultured?”
“I dunno, I thought maybe Canadian trash was different” Michael smirked at himself, feeling Trevor’s glare on him. He turned his head and met Trevor’s glare which instantly softened, after a moment he turned his head away from Michael.
“Mikey, we should talk” said Trevor looking in a different direction.
“What, you gonna break up with me T?” Michael joked.
Trevor looked back at the water droplets, creating a small pool on the old wooden bar table. Suddenly he was aware of how rough his skin was. He rubbed his knuckles with the word “Fuck” written over them, lightly caressing his open skin, and his scars. Almost all the scars on his knuckles are somehow related to Michael. It had been more than 20 years since he met Michael Townley – De Santa – but now he had penetrated his skin even. He was under him. Inside of him. There had been nights that Trevor stayed up punching walls, sometimes even cutting himself to try let all the blood out, not so that he could die, but so that he could let Michael out of his system. Sometimes cutting his heart out seemed like the only solution. Or maybe gouging out his eyes – but those memories of Michael on top of him, panting, sweat dripping from his face onto Trevor’s chest were etched into his brain. Sometimes Trevor would look at small Polaroid’s from his time with Michael before Amanda came into the picture, showing happy days. Trevor never felt happy after Michael left. When his mom kissed him and hugged him he felt happy and at home. When Michael did the same, there was that homely feeling again. There could be no other place in space and time that was as warm and comforting and loving as being held by Michael in a single bed in a motel somewhere he didn’t know. Even those drugged hazes weren’t good enough.
“Hey T?” Michael put his hand on Trevor’s shoulder who flinched away. He was lost in those memories again.
“Uh yeah let’s blow this fuckhole and go somewhere else” Trevor stood up after downing the rest of the beer.
“Uh..okay…” Michael finished his whiskey, knowing exactly what conversation would be happening. He didn’t drink enough for this. The men walked outside and Trevor took the wheel, mindlessly driving. They remained in silence. Both of them knew what was going to happen and what needed to be said. Although Trevor accepted Michael’s apology, there was an elephant in the room that came between them hanging out more frequently. Now that the big one was over they both knew that there wouldn’t be a reason to bring them together other than to be exposed to the question they both feared in silence – what now?
Trevor stopped in front of the observatory. It was nighttime so there was no one around. A couple of cars of people who probably went hiking, or someone buying coke, but otherwise it was just them. Trevor got out and walked around to the front of the building. Michael followed silently. Eventually Trevor came to the front which provided an outlook over Los Santos. A few aircrafts littered the sky and police sirens could be heard. He took out his phone and looked at the clock. It was almost midnight. Michael stood next to him quietly, looking from the corner of his eyes at Trevor’s profile illuminated by the cellphone light.
“Ah…you going to kill me now, Trev?” Michael joked but his face fell when he noticed Trevor staring wordlessly at the cityscape in front of them. He wondered where Amanda was – hopefully at home - and Tracey and Jimmy.
“Michael.” Said Trevor finally. He took a deep breath and let it out through his mouth, leaning against the railing, “Do you have a cigarette?”
Michael was taken aback. “Uh…yeah? But I thought you don’t smoke, T?” He took out his box of redwoods and handed one to Trevor
“I used to, remember?” Trevor stuck it in his mouth and looked over to Michael who also had a cigarette dangling out his. “Got a light?”
Michael leaned over and lit Trevor’s cigarette for him and both men stood, leaning against the railing smoking.
“You used to smoke something else” Trevor said finally and Michael chuckled softly “Yeah. Used to smoke only Gold Marlboros.”
“Why did you stop?”
“I don’t know. Reminded me of older times. Didn’t feel like it was me.”
Trevor missed that old smell. Sometime he would go out and buy a pack and smoke alone in his trailer or motel room and pretend he had just kissed Michael. He would close his eyes and imagine Michael sitting across from him, smoking shirtless and watching a movie on the TV. If he reached out he could very easily touch him. Sometimes he did and all he was met with was empty space. This smell was different. But it still felt like home, because he felt Michael’s warmth next to him. Their elbows were touching now, and Trevor could feel himself getting hard. Michael too, but tried to ignore it.
“Why didn’t you just tell me?” Trevor said after 5 minutes of silence. Their cigarettes were almost finished.
“Tell you what?”
“Why didn’t you just tell me you wanted out of the game?”
Michael ran his hand over his face and flicked the cigarette off the railing, “Trevor, we both know you wouldn’t have let me go”
“Yes I would!” Trevor gritted his teeth and crushed the cigarette “If it was you quitting or you leaving me I would have let you go!”
“Somehow I thought you would have taken me quitting as me leaving you.”
Michael was right. Somehow in Trevor’s mind, the crime and the love were inextricably linked. That was how he met Michael and that was the theme of their love.
“T, I wanted to quit the game and not you. I just – I was a coward and I didn’t know how to tell you. I knew you’d take it that I was leaving you and I didn’t want to leave you”
“No fuck you! You didn’t know shit how I would take it-“Trevor knew he was lying “And you did leave me. You ditched me just like my family did.”
“Trev I didn’t want anything bad to happen to you. I told you to go first because, fuck, I knew Davey would shoot someone and I couldn’t live with myself if he shot you. I told you to run because I needed you to be around in the world. Even if it wasn’t where I was.”
Trevor turned away from Michael, not knowing if he wanted to just cry or kill.
“Michael… I loved you. I told you and you fucking left. You didn’t even try contact me.”
“Amanda-“
“That fucking bitch!” Trevor punched the wall “She fucked up everything!”
“I’m the one that knocked her up, T!”
“You could’ve gotten an abortion! You could’ve just sent her money!” He thought about Tracey and Jimmy. He loved them, no doubt, but they did fuck up his life. If only their mother died and he took her place, welcoming them home from school with sandwiches and cookies, bathing them, helping them with homework, reading them stories and carrying them to bed when they fell asleep on the couch watching TV. Then at night, he could fall asleep next to Michael and woken up to see his face. They’d be so happy.
“T…”
Michael reached out to touch Trevor but he flinched away, covering his face with his hands and breathing deeply.
“I didn’t…I didn’t want to leave…”
“But you did. You did.” Trevor’s voice broke. He could feel the blood trickle down his knuckles.
The two men stood in silence. Trevor shaking and Michael looking at the city, not quite certain what to do. There was always that possibility of Trevor killing him. But he looked back and knew what to do. He stepped forward and wrapped his arms around Trevor. “T.”
Trevor didn’t move away, but stood still. It had been so many years since Michael leaned forward and hugged him. He smelled like those cigarettes and expensive cologne. But there was also that Michael smell that I missed so much and could sometimes swore lingered on his clothes even years later. “Can’t we…Can’t we just be friends, Trevor?”
Trevor shook his head from side to side gently. “We weren’t made to be friends, Michael.”
He took his head out of his hands and looked at Michael. “I’ve loved you from the very start. I think I loved you before we even met.”
Michael sighed and held Trevor closer. “We can’t”.
Trevor shut his eyes tighter. He wished Michael suffered like he did. Maybe then he could understand the desperation that was inside of him. He felt pathetic, feeling as if he could die at this moment. At least he would die in Michael’s arms and that was the way he always wanted to die. “You-you’ll find someone if you’re looking for love, T”
Trevor blinked out a tear. “I’m only, I’m only looking for you. Do you love her Michael?”
“I – of course! She’s my wife and the mother of my children. I’ll always love her”
The words stabbed Trevor’s heart. His insides began to spill on the floor at Michael’s feet. “but. Do you love her?” Trevor whispered.
Michael looked down at the ground “We agreed we would work on it. Maybe things could be like how they were before…”
“You mean that month before she got pregnant?”
Michael looked up at Trevor, brow now furrowed. “Hey. We have had so many happy times.”
Trevor burned up inside “Like us?”
“This isn’t a fucking competition Trevor. I’m not the prize. I was never the fucking grand prize”
“What the fuck do you think was?”
Michael let go of Trevor and stepped back, putting his hand on the back of his head. He had started to get a headache. There weren’t enough therapy hours for this shit.
“I – Listen – I don’t fucking know. This is too complicated Trevor I just-“
“What is complicated about this Mikey? This is simple.” Trevor swallowed hard “I love you. I need you to exist. I want you to exist with me. I want to wake up to you and laugh with you and, I just, I just want to be fucking happy Michael. I want to make you happy”
Michael turned around, on the edge of running again. Skipping town again. How could this happen again? He had so many torturous nights of agony thinking of what may have happened to Trevor. Did he kill himself? He couldn’t have. That’s not in his nature. But before, when he got hit by a car. When he went on a crazy bender. In all honesty, he didn’t know if he wanted to be with Amanda anymore. “I don’t deserve to be happy, Trevor”
“Of course you do” Trevor replied almost immediately “You are one of the greatest people who have ever lived Michael Townley. If I had to tell you everything that drove me fucking crazy and everything that made my heart expand to five times its fucking size, I would be here till after the end of the world.”
Michael chuckled bitterly and softly “This is what it means to see someone through rose coloured glasses I guess” It made a change from how Amanda spoke about him. And all he could say about Trevor was that he was a crazy psychopath cannibal. He was selfish and didn’t care about so many people. Fuck, even after so many years Trevor still thought he was the greatest human since Caesar. Michael knew Trevor would give his own life gladly if Michael asked. Trevor must’ve worked so hard to keep a wall of apathy up during their time in Los Santos, but now, all the walls and anger, just melted. “Don’t idolise me like this, T”
“I know you’re a fucking asshole and you’re selfish and you step over anyone for what you want, but I don’t think you know what you want, and you’re just entitled and you’re always bitter. But that – that – it doesn’t change anything Michael. I’ve seen you drunk off your ass and high and vomiting on sidewalks and falling over your own two fucking feet. But what does that matter to me? I love you and when you love someone, I think, I think that all the bad things don’t fucking matter”
Michael chewed the inside of his cheek and let out a heavy sigh. He didn’t know where he wanted to be. Maybe back in time the first time he met Trevor, so he could run far away from that Canadian who he couldn’t get enough of.
“You’re my favourite drug.”
Michael turned to look at Trevor, who looked like a little boy. He stared at Michael with large wet eyes, with blood drying on his knuckles. His dirty shirt hanging on him like its two sizes too big. His jeans baggy and ripped at the thigh and the edges fraying. It was far from pretty women with porcelain skin, perfect makeup, and slender bodies in red skin-tight dresses. They didn’t smell like piss, which he must say he preferred most of the times, but Trevor’s smell just grabbed him by the collar and pulled him in. He stepped forward and as he did, so did Trevor. Their mouths collided silently, the cityscape remaining as it was, praying to the sky.
*
After Michael left Ludendorff and started his new life, he swore he would never find himself in a hotel again having sex with someone who wasn’t Amanda. Of course it didn’t quite work out that way since he did pick up hookers and strippers from time to time. But he definitely thought it wouldn’t be with Trevor. They had driven to the Richman hotel and gotten a cosy room. The receptionist seemed a bit confused at the suited man with the one who had blood stains on his shirt and jeans, but nevertheless helped them book a double room. As they entered, Michael felt like he needed to leave. He and Amanda promised not to cheat on each other anymore. But as the door closed behind him, Trevor was already on his knees undoing Michael’s belt. “Trevor – maybe this isn’t – “
“I knew you’d want to chicken out Mikey,” Trevor grinned up at Michael “But just go with it.”
He pulled Michael’s suit pants down and was met with his hard cock. It looked a little more wrinkled and older since he saw it 10 years ago. He tried not to think about the countless strippers and hookers it had been inside as he took it inside his mouth, savoring the taste he chased after. He would give men at truck stops, bar bathrooms, and young male hookers in motels blowjobs in an attempt to find Michael’s taste but he never could. Now it filled his mouth and he hungrily sucked on it, feeling the spit gather at the corners of his mouth. Michael let out a small groan, putting his hand on Trevor’s head. “Ah, Fuck T-“
Trevor lifted his hand and began to pump Michaels cock in tandem with his movements, whilst sometimes stopping and caressing his balls. The spit mixed with pre-cum made Michael’s cock slick and shiny. Some of his own spit began to dribble down Trevor’s neck and chin, his knees beginning to ache. His own cock was straining against his jeans and every time he shifted the friction would shoot a pleasure up his spine. Michael’s legs began to shake. “Ah you’re such an old fucking man” Trevor smiled up at Michael who had already begun to look flushed, with a light pink spreading across his cheeks. “Let’s get onto the bed” Michael whispered in a low voice, kicking off his shoes and pants as Trevor stood up. Like a kid, Trevor jumped onto the puffy white bed, bouncing up as he hit the mattress “woahh, you’re really treating me like a princess tonight sugar tits” Trevor lay on his side, supporting his head with his hand and his other hand on his hip. Michael rolled his eyes and knelt on the bed, leaning down and kissing Trevor opened mouthed, his tongue plunging deep into Trevor’s mouth to the back of this throat. Trevor rolled onto his back with Michael on top of him and wrapped his arms around his neck. He forced his tongue back and into Michael’s mouth and licked the inside of his cheeks, his teeth, his tongue, breathing in Michael’s breath. It felt invigorating to absorb Michael’s breath. Part of him wanted to consume Michael, in a literal cannibalistic sense, or to drink his blood so that he couldn’t leave him. Where before he would constantly try cut Michael out, he wanted to let more in. Michael began to shift Trevor’s pants off, pulling the loose pants to his knees, where Trevor took over and wriggled them off as well as his shoes. His heavy boots fell with a thud but it didn’t make a sound in Trevor’s mind. All he could hear was Michael moaning softly and breathing heavily into his mouth. Michael’s naked cock rubbing against Trevor’s underwear. The spit and cum had already started to dry but enough was left for a little bit of friction. Trevor ripped Michael’s shirt open, with the buttons raining onto the floor. “Hey! That was $500!” Michael shouted but Trevor replied mockingly “hey! That was $500!” Michael bent down again, biting Trevor’s bottom lip. “Ohhhh, are we gonna be rough Mikey? I thought maybe your ass virginity grew back”
“How the fuck-“
Trevor rolled over on top of Michael and pinned him down, smiling sadistically at the man he was straddling. He leaned down and bit Michael on the neck, with Michael yelping out. “Fuck T! Be gentle!”
“That’s no fun Mikey…”
Trevor licked against Michael’s neck, kissing it and sucking on it until he pulled away and saw a pretty purple blotch. He hoped Amanda would see it and know it came from Trevor fucking Philips. He kissed his way down to Michael’s chest, licking his nipple and squeezing the other with his fingers. He sucked on the nipple as Michael left out soft moans. Michael definitely didn’t think he was a man to enjoy this – but it is where Trevor got his nickname for him from. When they would do this when they were young, Michael would ask Trevor if it tasted good or something. Trevor rubbed his straining cock against Michael’s leg which he was straddling. When it felt like he was going to explode he rolled onto his back next to Michael.
“Fuck me Mikey” He grinned and Michael smirked. “With Pleasure, T”.
Michael pulled off Trevor’s underwear and opened his legs wide, Trevor’s prick hitting against his stomach. “So uh, condom?” asked Michael but Trevor rolled his eyes
“Not tonight. I want you to fuck me raw” Trevor licked his lips “Maybe get me pregnant”
“Shut up” Michael hissed and Trevor chuckled.
Michael spat into his hand, shuddering at the thought that he was actually resembling Trevor a little, and began rubbing his own dick. Trevor was biting his bottom lip whilst watching Michael rub himself. When it was slick enough again with his cum and spit, Michael tilted his pelvis down and slowly pressed himself against Trevor’s opening. It felt warm and inviting, and he could feel it to the top of his head that Trevor wanted him and missed him so much. He wondered if Trevor ever touched himself thinking of Michael. As he eased in, both men let out grunts and moans. Even though Michael only fucked women, this was something that always turned him on. Hearing Trevor moan as he pushed himself inside. Trevor reached to Michaels back and dug his nails in his skin. He could feel his ass expanding as Michael squeezed his way deeper, his thick wet dick pushing against his insides. A fire burned in the pit of his belly, with chills flying up and down his spine. Michael began to move in and out, with it somehow becoming wetter and slicker. Trevor’s dick smacked between their stomachs and he eventually grabbed it and rubbed the tip. Michael then replaced Trevor’s hand with his own and began massaging the tip then jerking him off with his wet hand. Trevor closed his eyes as Michael bent down and kissed him, pressing his tongue inside. With his holes filled with Michael, Trevor was ready to come. He moaned into Michael’s mouth and let out his load before Michael. Feeling the hot sticky substance on his belly, Michael laughed. “You call me an old man?”
Trevor grunted and looked away. He felt slightly embarrassed for coming first but from the flush on Michael’s face, neck and chest, he could tell that he was close as well. Michael pushed Trevor’s legs back and hooked them over his shoulders, moving faster in and out of Trevor. Their skins made a slapping sound as Michael’s balls hit against Trevor’s ass. Trevor began to wriggle again underneath Michael, feeling the build up again “Ah Mikey, I think, I might, again-“
“Shut up T” Michael grunted whilst increasing his speed again. He was burning up from a place deep inside of him and breathed heavily with his mouth open, closing his eyes as he was listening to Trevor pant beneath him. Then finally, he let go and unleashed 10 years of lust and want into Trevor, who gasped when Michael pulled out quickly. The cum dripped out of Trevor’s ass, staining the previously snow white bed. Michael fell down next to Trevor and chuckled, running his hands over his face. “I love you Mikey” Trevor panted out, looking over at Michael.
Michael’s eyes rested on Trevor’s twitching lower stomach then moved up to meet his gaze. He smiled. “I love you too, Trev”
They looked at each other for a moment before leaning into each other and firmly placing their lips together. It wasn’t a passionate, aching, grabbing kiss. But soft, content, confident, and full of love. Their pinkies touched and wrapped around each other as they pulled apart and closed their eyes. Sometime after, they both fell asleep, holding hands.
*
When his phone rings, Michael rolls over to his side. He opens his eyes and sees Trevor’s sleeping face next to him. He is momentarily surprised but then remembers the previous night. They actually hadn’t really solved the issue they were facing but still, somehow this was a cathartic. He looked around for his phone and realises it is still in his pants on the floor by the door. When he gets to it, he sees its Amanda calling. It was still dark outside so she must be wondering if he is coming home at all.
“Hi honey” he says as he answers
“Michael” Says Amanda. He can hear some anger in her voice “Michael come outside”
“Uh…what?”
“I know you’re in the Richman.” She says. He freezes, looking back at Trevor sleeping soundly.
“Al-Alright” he says and hangs up. He puts on his pants and his vest, since his shirt is lying torn on the floor, and goes downstairs, aware of how suspicious it looks.
As he exits the hotel he sees Amanda leaning against her car with her arms folded. “Hey baby” says Michael as if nothing is wrong
“What are you doing here?” She asks sternly. He rubs the back of his neck and chuckles “Ah you know, I went out drinking with Trevor and we got drunk so we just decided to get a hotel-“
“A hotel two blocks from your house?”
“Uh…” Michael bites his lower lip “I know you wouldn’t want Trevor in the house, so, so I thought we may as well grab a hotel”
“A four star hotel?” her brow is furrowed. Michael laughs uncomfortably “baby, it’s just Trevor, if you want to come upstairs you’ll see he is sleeping right now. I’m not with a hooker-“
“Michael” Amanda swallows “You have a hickey on your neck.”
Michaels hand immediately flies to where Trevor sucked on his neck ‘for fucks sake Trevor…’ he thinks
“Baby I’m really – I’m not cheat-“
“I know about you and Trevor, Michael” Amanda looks at the floor. She sort of sounds like she wants to cry. Michael freezes and looks at the ground too. He doesn’t know what to say to her. They stand in silence for what seems like years when Amanda finally clears her throat and says “Listen. I was just driving back from Lisa’s house when I saw your car pull into the hotel lot. I saw you and Trevor get out. But…I-I think we should talk at home Michael”
“I’ll come right now-“
“No.” Amanda puts her hand up and looks directly at Michael. She looks sad. She turns around and gets into her car as she starts the engine she turns back to Michael “Come home in the morning. I need some time alone, Michael”
And with that she drives off, leaving two red circles in the night behind her. Michael feels the cool breeze, signalling the oncoming winter. It would never be as cold as North Yankton but a chill still runs down his spine as he stands in the cold night air. When he turns to the room Trevor is still sleeping without a sound. Michael sits on the edge of the bed and puts his head in his hands and sighs. He knows he fucked up. But how does Amanda know about him and Trevor? Has she known for the past 20 years? Sometimes he forgets that Amanda also loves him, even if she doesn’t act like it. But now he is stuck. Michael doesn’t quite know what to do. He doesn’t want to be like his dad and fuck up his family – although it was probably too late for that – but he was also his own person and he wanted Trevor. He didn’t say it, but he wanted Trevor from the moment he saw him. And when Amanda got pregnant, he thought it would be the end of them. When Trevor didn’t leave, he couldn’t be happy enough but he knew one of them would have to leave the other at some point. He never wanted to hurt Trevor nor Amanda. It’s as if no matter what he did, he would always end up hurting someone. No matter if he tried to avoid it. When Michael looked up, the night was beginning to lift. He looked back at Trevor’s sleeping face and kissed him on the cheek before gathering up his left over items and wandering back to his car.