Work Text:
Zayn’s four when he meets Louis.
His parents have just enrolled him in the local pre-school to help prepare him better for when he starts real school next fall. He’s shy and nervous, because he doesn’t have any experience with other kids besides watching them from the side lines as they run across the park, and none of those kids, or the ones that live in his neighborhood, ever want to play with him. They don’t give him any attention or bat an eye when he sits at the end of his driveway and watches them run around the court with all their toys and bright smiles.
He’s only four but he can already tell that there is a difference between him and the other kids. He can see it when he looks at their hair and the varieties of yellows and browns and reds that he sees running across his neighborhood, or even when he’s out at places his mother takes him. Their hair gets dark but never like his, thick and black. He sees how through out the years that their skin never seems to get as dark as his. How even in the winter, he’s darker than they are in the summer. No one ever points it out, but he’s four years old and he knows that something is different. Like when the snow is covering the ground and everyone decorates their houses with lights and red ribbons, his remains bare.
But his entire life changes when he enters his new classroom and sees the large swarm of kids running around and shouting, as they gather toys lining the back walls. He hides behind his father’s leg and clutches onto him like his life depends on it, while his parents talk to a woman who introduces herself as Miss. Holly. She has long red hair with shiny brown eyes that are much darker than his. He listens to her as she explains to his parents that everything will be okay, and that the children here are friendly, and even though Zayn is shy, he wont have any problems learning how to make friends and how to socialize before kindergarten.
He cries when his parents finally leave him: big tears that he can’t seem to control and sobs that shake his entire body. He ignores his teacher and sits down at one of the small tables in the back of the room so he can be alone in his misery. He folds his arms across the table and drops his head down and cries. He thinks this is it. This is the moment where his parents never come back to get him. The only time he’s ever been left without anyone is when he’s taken to his grandparent’s house. He knows that this isn’t a place where his Baba and Mammie would come or live. He knows they’re not here and they’re not coming.
He’s ripped from his thoughts and fears of abandonment when a loud voice talks into his ear, “what are you crying for?”
He lifts his head off the table and blinks out the tears from his eyes and sees a boy standing next to him, he’s leaning against the table with his head propped in his elbow, watching Zayn closely. He’s wearing a loud yellow shirt under navy blue overalls with a patch of Big Bird on the center pocket. Zayn can tell without even standing that he’s shorter than this other boy and that intimidates him already. His hair is a soft brown that’s cut to frame his face in much the same hair cut as Zayn’s, one that his mom achieved by placing one of her salad bowls on top of his head and cutting the hair that poked out. He wonders if this little boy was forced to sit still in his kitchen for an hour to get his hair cut like Zayn was.
The boy stares at him with bright blue eyes that are eyeing him suspiciously, “well why are you crying?” He asks again.
Zayn sniffles and rubs at his face trying to wipe away the snot and tears he knows are there, “my parents leave me.”
“I know. My parents did too. But why are you crying?” The boy asks, not understanding what about this would make Zayn so emotional.
“They’re never coming back.” Zayn cries back.
“Oh that’s silly, they come back everyday. Come here, let me show you something.” He reaches his hand out and waits for Zayn to take it. When he does, he guides him across the room and stops when they’re in front of the teacher’s desk. He points to the clock on top of it, “See how it says ten?” He points to the first number that Zayn can recognize. He’s not very good at numbers, but his dad taught him one through ten and he knows that this one is ten. When Zayn nods the boy talks again, “okay well, when it says four that means all the parents come back and we go home.”
“How do you know they’ll come back?”
“Because that’s when they come back everyday.”
Zayn stares at the boy in front of him who’s smiling and waiting for him to speak. “Okay.” He says and hopes that it’s enough. He hopes that it’s enough for the other boy whose name he doesn’t know. He’s still not convinced that his parents are going to come back, but the other boy seems like someone that Zayn can trust.
The boy grabs his hand and leads him to a small table in the back with three chairs, no one else is sitting there and Zayn let’s himself be shoved into a small red plastic chair. The boy walks over the cabinets in the back and pulls out two coloring books and a bin filled with markers. He sets them down on the table in front of Zayn before sliding into the chair next to him.
“Here you can color the Power Ranger book, but only because you cried. I normally am the only person to color the Power Ranger’s but I’m sharing with you. I’ll color Batman.” Zayn nods because he can tell that even if he were to argue the situation, the other boy would just get surly and tell him to listen. And besides Power Rangers are Zayn’s favorites. “I’m Louis.” The boy speaks again as he’s shoving the book closer to Zayn. “Well, what’s your name?”
“Zayn.” He mumbles back as he tentatively reaches out for the red marker.
“Hmm, that’s a weird name. I’ve never heard anyone named Zayn before. But that’s okay, I like weird. My older sister tells me all the time that I’m weird. So we can be weird together. Okay?” Zayn nods. “You don’t like talking do you, Zayn? I talk all the time. My mom sometimes gets a headache because she says I talk too much. Can you tell me if I give you a headache?” Zayn nods again. “Anyway, I’m sorry you cried this morning. But we can color until your mom gets back.”
Zayn listens as Louis talks. He doesn’t add much to the conversation mostly just fascinated nods and the occasional asking for the marker that’s in Louis’ hand.
When four o’clock rolls around Zayn is sad to see his parents walk in the door. Louis notices the frown on his face before anyone else and promises that tomorrow they can go outside and take turns going down the slide.
Louis hugs him when he leaves and Zayn spends the entire car ride home retelling his parents every word that Louis had spoken to him.
~~~~~~~~
Louis moves into the house across the street the summer before first grade.
Almost two years after meeting Louis, and Zayn still has trouble making friends with the kids in his neighborhood. He no longer stands at the end of his driveway and watches as the other kids play. No, instead he’s shifted towards sitting under the big oak tree in his front yard with his knees drawn up to his chest. Sometimes, when the heat becomes too much, he’ll go inside and watch through the window.
His parents worry about him and sometimes they’ll take him out for ice cream and let him pick whatever movies he wants from the rental store. Or his dad will cancel plans with his grown up friends in order to stay at home and kick the ball around with Zayn in the back yard. He has no idea these are all ploys from his parents to make sure that he’s not filling his youth through glances spared towards other children.
But it’s through his shift under the oak tree that Zayn spots the moving truck parked in the driveway across the street. He sits under the tree and sees a woman with long flowing brown hair step out of the drivers side followed by a small little boy with his hair cut from a bowl. Zayn instantly knows its Louis and decides he should go say hello.
Only…he can’t seem to make it further than his driveway.
He stands at the curb and watches as burly men in green jumpsuits carry box after box into the house. There is a blonde girl in the front yard doing cartwheels and Zayn thinks that’s probably the sister that Louis had mentioned several times before.
It’s nearly an hour of waiting before someone slams into Zayn’s body. The collusion has caused him to fall down onto the concrete and he can feel tears prickling behind his eyes and he wills himself to not cry. He looks up and sees a guilt ridden Louis standing in front of him but his features immediately wash over with relief when Zayn smiles up at him.
“What are you doing here?” Louis shouts while Zayn stands back up.
“This is my house,” Zayn says as he points back towards the brick structure behind him.
Louis mouth drops open. “That’s your house? Now we can see each other everyday. Come on,” Louis says as he grabs Zayn’s hand and pulls him across the street towards his own. “I’m going to show you my room, okay? It’s awesome.”
Zayn doesn’t come back home until after dark, and his parents aren’t even mad at him for it. Instead they see him and another little boy skipping across the street while Louis’ mother watches from her driveway, and Zayn’s mother cries and chants to him how happy she is when he says that he was with his friend.
Louis introduces himself to Zayn’s parents and extends his little arm out and makes sure to shake Zayn’s fathers hand and compliment him on his firm handshake like he’s seen people do on television.
~~~~~~~~
It’s the third grade the first time that someone questions why Louis wants to hang around Zayn.
They’re nine years old and since their town is so small there is only one class per grade, and Zayn likes it that way, because Zayn hasn’t been separated from Louis since the day they first met. They’ve never needed anyone but each other, so Zayn reckons that having Louis in his life is a blessing, especially during school hours when other kids stare at him.
They’re at recess and Zayn stands on the sidelines and watches as Louis runs around kicking the ball with other boys in their school. Zayn had wanted to play on the swings but since he had decided what they did yesterday, he got stuck watching as Louis shouts and screams about being the best player ever every time he steals the ball from someone else. Louis always makes sure to flash Zayn a thumbs up when he does something cool to let Zayn know that he hasn’t forgotten about him.
There’s a boy in their school named Andy. He’s in the fourth grade and thinks he’s better than everyone else. Andy has blonde, greasy hair that he combs back so it’s out of his face. He’s big for his age, and sometimes Zayn wonders if he should really be in the middle school, where the older kids are, especially now that’s walking over towards Zayn.
“So Malik, why aren’t you out there chasing after Tomlinson?” Andy sneers. His friends aren’t around and Zayn hopes that means that Andy won’t try to shove him down onto the pavement. He shrugs and prays it’ll make Andy leave.
It doesn’t.
“Don’t you know how to talk?”
Zayn nods and mutters a shy, “yeah.”
“How come you only talk to Louis?”
“He’s my friend,” Zayn says and looks at Andy for the first time. Andy is barking with laughter, and he wonders why the boy came over to him in the first place.
“You seriously cannot think that Louis really wants to be your friend. You’re a freak. You don’t talk to anyone. You just stand around and stare at Louis all day. You were staring at him now.” Zayn doesn’t say anything just looks at Andy with tears in his eyes. “You’re such a baby. No wonder Louis always ditches you for everyone else. Why would he want to be friends with you?”
Before Zayn can hear anymore, he takes off running. Their playground isn’t that big but he makes it to the area where there are three large trees and hides behind one. He drops to the ground and brings his knees to his chest and cries into them.
It’s the first time any one at school have ever been mean to him and it’s the first time that someone made him think he shouldn’t be friends with Louis. He’s too young to understand that Andy only said it because he wishes that he could be friends with Louis. Everyone does. Everyone wants to be apart of his life because he’s bright and bubbly and talks to everyone but only holds Zayn close. Louis is like the sun and the world seems to orbit around him. And everyone does, but Zayn is the only person allowed to touch down on the sun’s surface and be welcomed into its world.
Zayn can hear someone running towards him and shouting his name and he tries, in vain, to get the tears to stop flowing. When he lifts his head he sees Louis standing in front of him, “Zayn, why are you crying?”
He shrugs his shoulders, as he speaks, “it’s nothing, Lou.”
“It’s not nothing. What happened? I saw Andy talking to you and then you just ran away. What happened?” He shakes his head and begins to tell Louis that he’s not ready to talk about it. Louis slides down the tree and throws an arm around Zayn’s shoulder. They sit like that for the remainder of recess.
It’s two weeks later when Zayn finally admits to Louis the words Andy had said, and Louis is livid. He hugs Zayn tight and tells him that no matter what he’s his best friend in the entire world and that Andy is a jerk. Louis promises that he’ll always be Zayn’s best friend. He tells Zayn that no one would ever be more important to him.
Later that day, Zayn sees Louis being escorted to the principal’s office. He sees Zayn and smiles and points behind him towards the nurse’s office, as one of the teachers pushes him inside the room. Zayn watches Louis go before he glances in the direction that Louis had been pointing.
Inside the nurses office is Andy: he’s crying and holding an ice pack to his left eye.
~~~~~~~~
Zayn’s twelve when Louis introduces the idea of liking boys instead of girls to him.
They’re sitting under the tree in Zayn’s front yard with a deck of cards in between them. It’s early evening and the sun is beginning set behind them as they play their game of poker. It’s not so much poker as them dealing each other hands and seeing who has the better arrangement of cards, and then making the loser confess something he hasn’t told anyone before. Which is hard for them, since they tell each other everything, so the game consists mostly of confessions like:
“I slipped my dirty socks under my sister’s pillow this morning.”
“I didn't want to eat my vegetables so when my parents weren’t looking I tossed them in the potted plant next to the table.”
“I’m wearing dirty underwear.”
Its all-childish confessions that leave the two of them laughing with their stomachs vibrating and aching from the clenching of muscles because of the silly antics they take part in when they’re not together, and the game is as fun as it’s supposed to be until Louis loses for the eighth time. Zayn watches as Louis thinks for a minute before he starts chewing on his lower lip and looking up at Zayn with wide nervous eyes.
“What’s wrong?” Zayn asks as he reaches his hand out to hold onto Louis’ knee. “It’s okay if you don’t want to tell me anything. We don’t have to keep playing.”
Louis shakes his head and Zayn can feel that the rest of him is shaking as well. “The other day this kid called me a faggot, and I asked my sister what it meant and she said it was a mean word for people who like boys.”
“You can like boys?” Zayn asks with a gasp. “I didn’t know you could do that.”
“Yeah, my sister said that her friend Dave has a boyfriend and that they’re always kissing and doing other stuff, but she wouldn’t tell me what, probably like sex or something. But she said that people don’t understand it, so they say mean words like faggot and stuff.”
Zayn’s mouth drops open. “Wow. How do you know if you like boys? Do you think you like boys?”
“I think,” Louis starts as he locks eyes with Zayn, “I think you have to kiss one, and I think you know if you like boys by kissing them.”
Zayn’s mouth drops open at the thought of kissing someone and his eyes go wide. “Who could you kiss?”
Louis chews on his bottom lip and Zayn reaches out to rub his friend’s chin until he stops because he doesn’t want Louis to bite his lip so hard that it bleeds. “We could kiss,” Louis says. “I could kiss you and then we’d know if we like boys. My sister says that you kiss the gender you like, and I know that I like girls even though I’ve never kissed them before, but I’ve thought about boys. One time in gym class Adam, that ginger kid, I was looking at him when he was changing and it made my penis feel all funny.”
“Do you think that means you like boys? My penis feels funny sometimes, too.”
“I don’t know, but can I kiss you to find out?”
Zayn studies Louis carefully because this would be both of their first kisses with anyone, but he trusts Louis. Plus he thinks that they both deserve to know if they like boys or not so Zayn nods his head slowly to let Louis know that it’s okay to kiss him.
Louis shifts his legs around so they’re tucked under him and leans forward until he’s a few inches away from Zayn’s face. Zayn keeps his hands in his lap and watches in slow motion as Louis leans forward and closes his eyes. Zayn squeezes his eyes shut as well and tries not to gasp when he feels wet lips press against his own. He doesn’t know what to do, but he can feel Louis pressing continuous pressure on his mouth, so he leans up and bit and tries to return it as much as he can.
Louis pulls away and Zayn keeps his eyes closed for a moment longer before opening them. Louis is sitting in front of him with a wide smile on his face, he doesn’t say if he likes boys or not, and Zayn doesn’t say it either. But he liked the kissing, after the slimy sensation wore off, and he hopes they’ll do it again.
And they do keep kissing.
It’s not just the time under the tree, because they slowly start to kiss anywhere that they can. Sometimes Louis will lean over in the middle of a movie and press his mouth against Zayn’s for a moment before going back to watching the screen. Sometimes Zayn will see Louis chewing on his bottom lip from nerves, when he knows he’s done something he’s going to be punished later for, and Zayn will lean forward and kiss Louis until he’s no longer chewing on his lips. But then a shift happens and all they do is kiss.
Louis will come over to Zayn’s house after school because he doesn’t have any siblings and his parents work late every night, and they’ll go into Zayn’s bedroom and lock the door behind them so they can lie down on Zayn’s bed with their mouths attached. And when they move into the bedroom is when Louis begins to lick at the seam of Zayn’s mouth.
Zayn pulls away slowly and says, “What are you doing?”
“It means that I want to put my tongue in your mouth.”
Zayn nods his head and reattaches his lips to his best friend’s and this time when he feels the little poke of Louis’ tongue, he opens his mouth and let’s Louis swirl his tongue around until Zayn begins to do the same and slowly they’re massaging each other’s tongues and the sensation makes Zayn’s head spin.
But after a few months, the kissing stops, because Louis realizes that he has a crush on a girl named Eleanor, and he doesn’t think it’s fair to have a crush while he’s kissing Zayn. They agree that the kissing was fun but when a crush is involved they should take a break.
And they do, and eventually Louis starts kissing Eleanor while Zayn thinks about feelings of his own.
~~~~~~~~
The next year comes and Louis gets caught kissing a boy at the park down the street from their house.
It’s their eighth grade year, and Louis and Eleanor have officially broken up. Louis doesn’t take it hard, because he tells Zayn that she was always trying to make him touch her boobs, and it was weird, so he’s glad that she broke up with him.
There is a new kid at their school named Donovan, and everyone is immediately taken by him, most especially Louis. He moved from the city, and they’re not used to new people, and he seems worldly with his black boots and denim vests. He talks about how he likes to skateboard and his parents let him stay out late. It’s all too much for them, but soon Louis starts spending all his time with the kid.
And it’s not that Zayn hates Donovan, but he doesn’t see what everyone else sees in him. Plus his name is stupid.
And people are acting like he’s the first person to ever take part in anything. Louis and Zayn have been skate boarding for two years, and no one ever cared when they did it. But now Louis skates around town with Donovan and it’s a trend that everyone is trying to pick up. And suddenly Louis is wearing black tees and beanies, and his jeans are a little tighter.
Zayn doesn’t care about what Louis wears or what he looks like, but he hates how much his friend is changing for one boy. But he never says anything, he just follows the other boys along when Louis begs him to come with, and sometimes he stays home and sees Louis and Donovan through Louis’ bedroom window and he has to suppress an eye roll.
Eventually though they stop talking about how cool Donovan is and start talking about how he’s into boys. He’s not the first gay kid at this school, but he’s the first one that Louis has been caught kissing.
And oh… because Zayn had no idea that Louis was kissing anyone, so he hides behind a row of lockers and listens as two girls carry on a conversation about what happened.
“So then Eleanor said that she was walking her dog through the park, and she sees Louis pressed up against a tree with Donovan between his legs.”
“Why was he between Louis legs?”
“They were making out. Eleanor said that they were moaning and she wanted throw up, because things were getting really graphic. I don’t want to go into details, but I heard they were grinding up against each other.”
“So, Louis is gay?”
“I don’t know, but I bet he is.”
Zayn steps away from the lockers and knows that he needs to find Louis immediately. It’s the first time that anyone has ever mentioned Louis in a context that isn’t absolute praise. Everyone loves Louis, and they always have, and if Zayn knows his best friend as well as he thinks he does then he knows Louis is somewhere freaking out.
It only takes him twenty minutes to find Louis curled up under the bleachers in the gymnasium. He has his head pressed into his knees and Zayn can hear quiet sniffles. He crawls over towards Louis and sits down across from him and waits for him to look up.
Louis keeps his face in his knees but addresses Zayn, “I know it’s you, Z.”
“Yeah it’s me. Do you want to talk about it?”
Louis looks up and his eyes are rimmed red, and wet, and his cheeks are caked in tear tracks. It’s a sad sight and it breaks Zayn’s heart.
“I kissed Donovan,” Louis mumbles. And all Zayn does is nod his head. “We were hanging out, and he said that he liked boys and asked if I did, and I said I didn’t know because I’ve kissed a boy and a girl and I liked both.”
“So he kissed you?”
Louis nods his head. “Yeah, he kissed me, and he kept kissing me.”
“Did you like it?” Louis nods again. “Then why are you crying?”
“I think…I think that I might like boys, and only boys. I don’t like girls.”
And Zayn nods his head in understanding before he flings himself forward and pulls Louis into a hug. It’s never been hard for Louis to express what he’s feeling and Zayn envies him, because Zayn thinks he might like boys too, and he thinks that he has liked boys since the night under his oak tree. But not just boys, because he still very much likes girls, but he can’t tell Louis, because he’s not sure if you’re allowed to like both boys and girls at the same time.
He knows how hard it was for Louis to tell him, and he wishes that he could share his secret, but he and Louis never talked about what they felt when their lips touched so Zayn stays quiet, because he doesn’t want Louis thinking that he likes him rather than boys at large.
He stays quiet because right now is about Louis, and he knows that no matter what happens, Louis will be there for him.
~~~~~~~~
Zayn’s fifteen when he acts out his feelings for boys.
It’s the beginning of his sophomore year of high school and he meets a boy named Aiden. They meet through Louis, naturally, and he makes Zayn’s fingers tingle and his stomach flip.
It’s the first time that he’s ever been able to pin point one specific person that he’s had feelings for, and it scares him. Aiden has his hair styled in the same way as Zayn’s and he has deep brown eyes. He’s quiet and Louis says that he knew he and Zayn would get along, and that’s why he befriended Aiden.
They talk a lot at school and during lunch. Zayn learns that Aiden moved into this town when he was twelve, and sometimes he feels left out because everyone else grew up together. Aiden’s favorite color is orange and he thinks cows are the greatest animals to exist. He likes playing video games but he’d much rather sit outside and read. He likes wearing button ups and knit cardigans. Zayn learns that Aiden likes boys as well, but more specifically Aiden likes Zayn.
Zayn invites Aiden over to his house, and soon the visits become more frequent. And soon they’re going out on dates. It’s a month after meeting and Zayn agrees that he’d be Aiden’s boyfriend.
They show up to school holding hands and no one says anything, because Zayn is Louis’ best friend, and Louis keeps gushing to everyone how happy he is that Zayn finally found somebody, because Aiden is nice and he makes Zayn smile and laugh more when they’re out on their dates or tucked away in one of their bedrooms. They both love art and drawing, so they shove that in between the times when they’re not at school or making out.
They kiss a lot, and Aiden is the first person besides Louis that he’s ever kissed before. He doesn’t feel the sparks or fireworks that he’s heard Louis’ older sister talk about when she kisses boys, but Zayn figures it’s because they’re younger, and Zayn can keep kissing Aiden until something inside him explodes if he has to.
Zayn’s fifteen when his first boyfriend breaks up for him for not being ready to have sex.
Aiden is over at his house again and they’re steadily joined at the mouth, like they normally are these days. Zayn has Aiden’s tongue in his mouth and his hands on his body, and normally that’s okay, but this time it isn’t. Aiden has been trying all night to get his hands down Zayn’s pants or to get Zayn’s hands down his pants, and each time he slowly tries to tip his fingers below Zayn’s waistband is when Zayn stops kissing and asks Aiden to stop.
Only this time, Aiden doesn’t want to stop, and he’s mad. He’s angry that Zayn won’t put out.
“We’ve been dating for three months,” Aiden shouts at him, as he paces Zayn’s bedroom floor. “Three months and all we’ve done is kiss. Why can’t we have sex?”
“I’m not ready. I’m sorry,” Zayn mumbles as the plays with the loose threads of his shirt. “I’m sorry.”
“Zayn, do you realize that everyone is having sex right now? Matt is having sex with his girlfriend, Mark is having sex with his girlfriend, and I bet Louis is over in his house right now having sex.”
“Louis’s not,” Zayn says. “He’s out at dinner with his grandparents.”
“Zayn, are we going to have sex tonight or what?”
Zayn looks up at Aiden with tears in his eyes, as he shakes his head no. Aiden sighs like he knew that’s what Zayn was going to say. “Then I don’t think I can be your boyfriend anymore.”
“What? Aiden, that’s not fair.”
Aiden doesn’t answer him, but starts to pick up his school supplies that are littering Zayn’s floor from when they had tried doing homework earlier. Zayn continues to try and get Aiden to stay but he won’t do it, and he shrugs Zayn off of him.
“No what’s not fair is that I had to convince Natalie to have sex with me before coming over here. I had to have sex with a girl before I could see you. You’re a prude, and no one will ever want to be with you until you learn to have sex.” That’s the last thing Zayn hears before his bedroom door slams and Aiden is gone.
Zayn calls Louis and begs him to come over as soon as he’s realized what happens. He tells Louis about how they were kissing and he could feel Aiden’s dick poking him in the leg as he tried to work off Zayn’s pants and how Zayn didn’t want it to happen. How Aiden broke up with him and yelled at him for not wanting to have sex, and said that everyone was, even Louis, and that only made Zayn feel worse.
“I haven’t had sex,” Louis says. “Zayn, a lot of people aren’t having sex. You’re not the only one.”
“I know I told him that but he just listed off all the people that are, and he broke up with me, and I feel so stupid. And he cheated on me with a girl.”
Zayn breaks down and begins crying into Louis shoulder. The other boy wraps his arms around Zayn in a vice grip as his shirt get soaked through.
Louis stays at his house for the night and promises Zayn that it’s okay to not have sex and it’s okay to not be ready. He tells Zayn that even he isn’t having sex yet. It makes Zayn feel better to know that he’s not alone.
Louis stays the night, and in the morning he tells Aiden to fuck off and that he doesn’t want to talk to him anymore.
Zayn’s fifteen when he’s beaten up by a group of football players at his school for being gay.
Zayn doesn’t understand because Louis is gay, not Zayn, he’s bisexual, but to them that’s worse. Plus he’s not Louis. He’ll never be Louis, and even though he’s Louis best friend, that doesn’t stop them from shoving, and hitting and kicking him behind a building.
They corner him and take turns shoving him around their little circle. Zayn knows that there isn’t any point in fighting back so he lets them treat him like he’s a limp doll. They keep calling him a fag and asking him if he thinks about sucking their cocks when he’s home alone. Zayn doesn’t say answer and it makes one of the boys bring up their knee to collide with Zayn’s chest.
He loses his breath and tries to explain to them he likes girls too, and that he’s not gay because he likes girls. But that only causes the group to flare up in newfound anger as the begin throwing blows to his body from every direction.
Eventually he falls to the ground and they begin to kick him and spit on him and shout not only homophobic slurs, but also racial slurs, because they know he’s a Muslim and he tries to still take part in Christian activities, like Easter and Christmas. They’re furious at him for having skin that doesn’t look like theirs, for believing in a God that they think doesn’t match theirs, for thinking it’s okay to love someone that society thinks is wrong.
They’re furious at him because he’s different and because they don’t understand him. And Zayn takes each blow and waits until they get bored and leave him lying on the ground.
He drags himself home and the first person who sees him is Louis, of course it’s Louis. Louis is outside dribbling the soccer ball on his knees and he sees Zayn with a swollen face that’s smeared with blood as he’s clutching his arm to his stomach and limping towards his house. Louis drops the ball and runs towards Zayn and catches him before Zayn drops to the ground.
Zayn wakes up in Louis’ room.
The first thing he sees is Louis’ worried face hovering over him with a wet cloth in his hand. He’s not wearing a shirt and Zayn watches as Louis dabs at the cuts scattering across Zayn’s body. When he’s finally clean, and his wounds are properly bandaged, Louis steps off the bed and stares at every inch of Zayn that he can see before he drops to the ground and cries into his knees.
Zayn climbs off the bed and pulls Louis into his lap and lets him cry into his neck.
Louis spends the next five weeks making sure that every official in the school and every parent of the football players knows what their sons did to his best friend. He doesn’t let Zayn out of his sight for another three months.
~~~~~~~~
They’re in their junior year of high school when rumors begin to circulate about Zayn and Louis.
People have always thought that something was going on between Louis and Zayn. They never knew about the kissing they did in middle school but the two were always together, and when you’re young and two boys, people think that’s weird. They have always been asked if they were dating, and they have always asked why they spend so much time together. And it’s never a problem.
“I mean, yeah I think you’re cute and everything, but I’m not going to help you cheat on Louis.”
“If you’re not dating then why are you always with each other?”
“Won’t Louis care that you’re trying to talk to that girl?”
But then suddenly it is a problem. Louis starts getting defensive when people ask him about it. He tells them to fuck off and yells at Zayn for not being bothered by the fact that people think they’re together. And for some reason it makes Louis inexplicably angry that anyone would believe he was dating Zayn.
“They’re so fucking stupid,” Louis shouts. “I honestly cannot believe them. Why would they think that we’re dating? Where would there get that idea.”
Zayn shrugs his shoulders and continues drawing. “I don’t see what the big problem is.”
“The problem is that people think we’re fucking and you don’t care.”
“We’re not.”
“Exactly! But people don’t believe us.”
So Louis gets a boyfriend. They hold hands and kiss, and Louis gushes to everyone how wonderful he is. But Zayn is still around so people come up with rumors about how they’re still dating. It’s such bullshit but Zayn doesn’t care. Louis does.
And the rumors don’t stop so Louis breaks up with his other boyfriend to get a new one, Marius. He also starts hanging out with Zayn less and begins making more time for his other friends, and his new boyfriend. Marius is funny and everyone loves him because he makes cool videos and posts them online. He’s the life of the party, just like Louis, and everyone loves that they’re dating.
But there are still people that think Louis is dating Zayn. People still believe that Louis and Zayn are an item so Louis tries harder to make people stop talking. He makes out with Maz against the lockers and once at a party he shoved his hand down Maz’s pants in the middle of a crowded room. But the harder Louis tries the more people think that Zayn and Louis got into a fight, or that Zayn is heartbroken but he broke Louis’ heart first so Louis is only trying to get revenge.
Zayn knows they’re wrong, and so does Louis, but it’s not enough. So Louis stops hanging out with Zayn when they’re at school. He passes him in the halls without a wave or a hello. He doesn’t talk to Zayn until they’re tucked away in one of their bedrooms the rare night that Louis isn’t out with his other friends.
“I’m sorry we don’t see each other much in school anymore.”
“It’s okay,” Zayn says even though it’s not. Louis is his best friend, and the most important person in the world to him so he tells him and himself that it’s okay.
“You’re still my best friend, you know that right?” Zayn nods his head and repositions himself so he can rest his head on Louis’ shoulder. “I just don’t want people to think we’re dating.”
“Would it be that much of a bad thing to date me?”
Louis wraps his arm around Zayn’s waist and squeezes gently. “No, it wouldn’t, but I don’t want people saying I am when I’m not, and soon they’ll stop talking about it, and I promise as soon as it’s over we can go back to the way things were, okay?”
The rumors don’t stop until the end of October when Louis fucks a kid named Aiden under the bleachers at their school. It’s the same Aiden that broke Zayn’s heart the year before when he refused to lose his virginity to him. Louis loses his virginity to Aiden.
They stop talking at the end of October.
~~~~~~~~
They don’t talk for eight months. It’s the longest they’ve ever gone without each other but after eight months, all of that changes.
Zayn sees Louis everyday at school in all of their classes where Zayn watches Louis from the back of the room. Louis is always surrounded by a large group of people, and his new boyfriend, Tom, and everyone in the school knows because not only are they both popular and funny, but they make sure to press each other up against every surface that they can.
But Zayn even sees Louis after school when he’s perched under the oak tree in his front yard with a sketchbook in hand. He sees Louis come and go with different people at all hours of the day. He can see Louis still when he goes inside his house through his bedroom window.
It’s been eight months since Zayn has talked to anyone at their school, and he doesn’t give a fuck. All the friends that he made through out high school have disappeared the same time Louis did.
But Zayn doesn’t give a fuck about any of them or Louis anymore, and that’s what he tells himself when he finds himself at a party in some random house he heard people talking about to celebrate the start of summer. He doesn’t give a fuck about Louis and he’ll keep telling himself that until the words become true. He’ll keep telling himself that even now as he sits alone on the couch and watches his ex best friend crack jokes with his friends while he’s perched in Tom’s lap.
He’s slowly sipping a drink, some random mix of alcohol a kid pushed into his hands when he entered the house, and glaring in the general direction of his ex best friend. But then suddenly there is someone else next to him and from the corner of his eye he can see that it’s a boy he’s never met before. He’s pushing over a red cup filled to the brim and Zayn downs the one in his hand before accepting the one he’s being offered.
The boy says that his name is Jason and he’s a sophomore in university. Zayn makes a note of his curly blond hair, and startling green eyes. Zayn has always had a weakness for curls and green eyes and this boy isn’t any different.
They talk about their plans for the summer and school and if Zayn has thought about where he wants to continue his education, and Zayn questions him on why he’s at a high school party. Jason makes him laugh and it’s the first time that anyone has spoken to him without the presence of Louis or without wanting anything to do with Louis, so it feels nice. And the entire duration of their conversation Zayn’s cup is never emptied because Jason keeps refilling it. Zayn’s cup is always filled, and Zayn barely takes notice that Jason isn’t drinking.
Zayn’s head is spinning and he knows that he’s drunk. It feels like his tongue might be swollen in his mouth, and he can’t get his tongue and mouth to cooperate and form words anymore. He can barely walk but he lets Jason know the best way that he can that he wants to go home. And when Jason stands him up and begins to help him through the maze of the house down hallways and up stairs before he’s shoved inside a room. Zayn looks around and he can tell that it’s bathroom but he doesn’t understand why Jason would bring him here. But then Zayn has hands exploring his body and slowly taking off his clothes and he speech is so slurred that he can’t get out the word ‘no’ or ‘stop’ to come out properly, and his limbs are too heavy for him to reach up and shove Jason off of him.
So he stands there completely nude, and let’s Jason run his hands over his body and puts his mouth on every part of Zayn that he can. Soon enough Zayn is being forced to his knees and his mouth is on Jason. He doesn’t know how long he’s being forced to wrap his lips around the other boy but soon enough he’s pushed down onto his stomach.
Just before Zayn’s world goes black he feels a searing pain that starts in his ass and shoots straight up his back like he’s being torn open.
Zayn wakes with a gasp and is fighting off the hands that are on his body. He’s kicking and screaming at them as he tries to find a way out of wherever he is, and that’s when he notices that he’s in Louis’ room.
“Shh, Zayn, shh, you’re all right. It’s just me. Its just Louis.”
“How did I get here?” Zayn asks, and as soon as the words leave his mouth memories are rushing through his mind about what had happened the night before. He sees himself being held to the ground as some blond hovers above him. He can see the point of connection where their bodies formed together, and where the blood is trickling down his thigh.
He can feel bile streaming up his throat and luckily he makes it to the toilet in time to throw up. He’s heaving into the bowl and Louis is behind him with a steady hand and soothing words as his body convulses and shakes from vomiting and crying.
They don’t talk for eight months and the end marker is Zayn losing his virginity.
He loses his virginity in a bathroom of a house he’s never been in. He loses his virginity from a college boy that he’s never met. He loses his virginity from a college boy that fed him alcohol all night. He loses his virginity on a bathroom floor. He loses his virginity and blacks out in the middle of it.
He realizes that he hasn’t lost his virginity but rather that it’s been stolen from him, and somehow Louis had found him and brought him home.
When he’s done crying and heaving into the toilet, he pulls back lets himself be rocked in Louis’ arms.
“What happened?” Zayn asks. “How did you get me here?”
“At the party I had to go to the bathroom, and I knew that no one was allowed in Max’s parents room and that they have a private one, so I went in there, and that, uh, that guy was in there too with you, and as soon as I saw you two I knew something wasn’t right. But by the time I figured out what had happened he was gone, so I got you dressed and brought you back here. I cleaned you up and put you in my bed and I’ve just been waiting for you to wake up.”
Zayn doesn’t say anything, only nods his head, and gets back in Louis bed. He watches as Louis struggles with what to do, so he holds the blankets up and waits for him to get in before he curls around the other boy.
He spends two weeks with Louis. He doesn’t go home except once to let his parents know he and Louis made up and they wanted to do some catching up. They believed him. He spends two weeks in Louis’ bed. Zayn eventually puts it behind him and learns how to cope with what happened to him. He learns how to cope because Louis is in his life, and he’s the glue that holds Zayn together. He always has been.
They don’t talk about how it’s been months since they’ve spoken to each other. The only acknowledgement is when Louis apologizes to Zayn late one night by whispering in his ear that he was so stupid and he’s so sorry. And Zayn knows Louis better than anyone so he knows what Louis is talking about and how hard it is for him to admit that he was wrong. He doesn’t need to ask Louis why he came back because he already knows that eventually Louis was bound to reenter Zayn’s life, and he’s happy that if anyone were to find him in that situation it was Louis.
But, no matter how much Zayn knows Louis that’ll never amount to how much better Louis knows Zayn. He knows him better than he knows himself, and he always will. So he knows what happened to Zayn that night, and he knows that Zayn doesn’t care about the months that passed when they weren’t talking because Louis is here now, and that’s all that Zayn needs.
With Louis around things go back to normal, or as normal as they ever were for Zayn, and soon he doesn’t think about that night in the bathroom anymore.
~~~~~~~~
They’re eighteen years old when every girl on a list of potential dates for the senior prom turns down Zayn.
Louis had girls asking him, and Zayn couldn’t get one to say yes. Everyone knew that Louis was gay and Zayn was bisexual, but for some reason the entire student body population was hounding Louis to take him to the dance.
Zayn tries not to let it annoy him as he runs around school and asks girls and boys to be his date.
“Hey Perrie, I was wondering if you wanted to, ya know, go to prom with me?”
“Oh Zayn, I’m sorry. I’m taking Leigh-Anne.”
“Dan, listen. I know it’s last minute but would you want to go to the dance with me?”
“Nah, sorry man. Not feeling it.”
“Rebecca, do you have a date to Prom?”
“Aren’t you gay? Besides, I’m waiting to hear back from Louis.”
It’s exhausting and Zayn really hates how much pressure it put on him to go to this stupid dance in the first place. There is nothing about the senior prom that is going to change his life or affect his future. Getting a date to the dance won’t make him a better person, and it doesn’t make him less of a person if he doesn’t get a date. None of it matters and Zayn thinks its bullshit, but the school is buzzing about it. Even Louis can’t keep his mouth shut about how he doesn’t know whom to take to the dance.
They’re at the mall trying on suits and it’s a week before the dance and he still doesn’t have anyone to go with. He also hasn’t told Louis about how he’s been shot down by 13 girls, and 7 boys, most of which were waiting for Louis to ask them.
“What do you think about this one?” Louis asks as he steps out of the dressing room donning black pants, a black button up, and an orange jacket. “I think it’ll make a statement.”
“You look like Halloween.”
“Shut up. I don't see you trying on anything.”
“I’m not renting, I’m borrowing from my dad.”
“Ah, the simple things you get when being able to live with your father,” Louis says, as he twirls around in the mirror to get a look at himself from every angle. “You’re right, this isn’t a good look.”
He steps back inside the dressing room and when he steps out the next time it’s back in his original clothes. “Think I’ll just go with something a bit more traditional. White shirt, black tie.”
“That was the first thing you tried on…an hour ago.”
“Yes, but I’ve just now decided that it was best. Anyway, have you gotten a date for the dance yet? You haven’t mentioned anything about it.”
“You’ll see,” Zayn responds and he was going for light and he hopes that Louis doesn’t read too much into his statement. “What about you?”
“I told Danielle that I’d take her. She just broke up with her boyfriend, and only wants to have a good time, so I’m going to take her since we’re both not looking for anything serious. I thought about asking you to the prom,” Louis says in a teasing tone, and Zayn wants to slap himself in the forehead because of course he should have just asked Louis instead of going out and trying to find a date of his own.
The week passes by smoothly and Zayn tries to keep his grumpy mood in check. He still hasn’t told Louis, or anyone really, that he’s not going to the dance because he doesn’t have a date. Instead Zayn tells everyone that he’ll be there, and he can’t wait. But really he’s thinking about how his parents are out of town and he’s going to order a pizza and watch scary movies alone in the dark. He thinks he should also shut his phone off so when Louis finds out that he’s not there he can’t listen to Louis yell at him.
It’s the night of the dance, and Zayn has dressed up in his dad’s suit and is waiting in Louis’ living room so they can take pictures together. Louis had told Danielle he’d meet her at his house because he wanted to make sure he got the chance to be alone with Zayn before they met their respective dates.
They pose in front of his fireplace, and the tree in his front lawn. Collectively Louis' mom and sister get over hundred pictures of them, and only four of them smiling instead of hanging off each other and sticking their tongues out.
Zayn waits until Louis’ car is out of sight before he goes back into his house, removes the suit and drops down on the couch for the night.
He’s alone for an hour before he hears his front door opening and slamming shut. He looks up in time to see Louis kicking off his shoes and removing his suit jacket.
“What are you doing here?” Zayn asks as he watches Louis try to kick his legs out of his dress pants. “Why aren’t you at the dance?”
“Why aren’t you at the dance?” Louis counters.
“No one agreed to be my date,” Zayn mumbles in embarrassment. “I didn’t want anyone to find out so I acted like I was going to go. But you had a date, so why are you here?”
“Danielle is a nice girl, but we only went as friends. She wound up stealing that buzz cut bloke from Eleanor with the nice muscles and puppy eyes. The kid from St. Margaret’s, and I kept looking for you so we could spike the punch bowl and dance together, because that’s what best friends do, but you weren’t there.”
“She took Eleanor’s boyfriend?”
“Yeah, I caught them making out under the bleachers. He’s right fit too. Have you seen him?” Zayn shakes his head. “He’s got these big arms, and big hands, and this adorable little birth mark on his neck. His eyes are a little squinty and really brown. His face is wonderful.”
“Isn’t he straight?”
Louis rips off his tie and throws it at Zayn. “Don’t remind me. Now start up FIFA while I change into some normal, non-penguin attire.”
So Zayn starts up his game console and waits for Louis to come out of the bedroom. He emerges in a pair of Zayn’s sweat pants and one of his old shirts. He bypasses the living room and Zayn can hear him in the kitchen puttering around and when he comes back he has his arms filled with snacks that he drops down on the coffee table. He takes a controller from Zayn and curls into his side with his feet tucked under Zayn’s leg.
“You know you’re my best friend, right?”
Zayn pauses the game to look at Louis. “What?”
“You’re my best friend.”
“And you’re my best friend.”
“You could have told me that you didn’t have a date, you know that right? I’d rather spend the night here watching movies and playing video games with you than dancing around a crowded room with people I don’t really care about.”
Zayn doesn’t say anything; instead he leans forward and kisses Louis on the mouth just like he did when he was twelve. It’s short and sweet and Louis accepts it with a smile before nudging Zayn to turn the game back on.
~~~~~~~~
The night of their high school graduation Louis sneaks into Zayn’s bedroom window with a bag of snacks declaring that they’re going to have a sleepover. He passes Zayn a beer that he stole from his mother and slowly starts dumping out the food onto Zayn’s floor.
“I got you a graduation present,” Louis says as he holds out a box towards Zayn.
It’s wrapped in red, and there are tears with tape over them on almost square inch, but it’s so undoubtedly Louis that he can’t help but smile. He slowly unwraps it, and sees that it’s set inside a box that Louis grandmother sent him a couple weeks ago when she mailed him his own graduation gift.
He quirks an eyebrow up at his friend and Louis tells him to look inside the box. He pulls back the flaps and sees two coloring books inside along with a pack of markers, Batman, and Power Rangers.
“What is this?”
Louis takes the books from Zayn and says, “Here you can color the Power Ranger book. I’ll color Batman.”
Zayn throws his head back and laughs because only Louis would give someone a present of an activity they used to do during pre-school. It’s the thing that created their friendship years ago when Zayn had first started school, and started a new chapter in his life. And now Louis is giving it to him when he’s finished school.
It’s not the end, but rather the beginning of something new. It’s the beginning of a different part of Zayn and Louis’ lives so he flips open to the first page of the coloring book and takes the green marker from Louis and thinks about how much he lucked out that day in pre-school when Louis entered his life.