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Thursday. I've been feeling better recently.
Well better in that twisted way, the one where just the sight of you makes me crazy. Crazy in a good, healthy and completely normal way. In that just the sight of you makes me want to burst and scream at you to Love me back and beg you for sign that maybe, just maybe you do. Scream at you to explain what the hell all the gazes and touches mean and why you treat me as if we're a magnet, you're the north pole and I'm the south pole. Ask you to just stop and explain all the signals you send me, like the "I Love you's" which seem to have more meaning behind them compared to when you say it to the others.
Explain the cuddles that always end up in nose, cheeks, neck, chest and anywhere but mouth kisses. Although there was that one time you were kissing my neck and just stopped to stare at me for a minute or two, before kissing the corner of my mouth ever so gently as if you were afraid I would pull away, push you away and freak out. Just so you know, I wouldn't do that. Then you moved to the other side, closing your eyes as you kissed me, while I stared at you. I thought maybe, possibly you were going to kiss me properly and say all the things I wish you would.. But then she came in and you pulled away so quickly I thought you were going to break your neck or something. We have never talked about that, what happened. What nearly happened.
Not that I mind much, your touch makes me feel safe and at home, and your gaze make me calm and careless. The "I Love you's" give me an open way of saying "I Love you too, Lou." Even if you do think I mean in a best friend way. Also the kisses, however confusing they might be, are the most pleasurable, lovely and coupley moments we have. I never want any of those things to go away.
But I guess they are, aren't they. There's be less LouisandHarry HarryandLouis time than there used to be. I miss those moments.
Better in that warped corrupted way, the one where there's a need to gorge out my eyes and kill that gold digging tramp of a girlfriend you have. Not in a 'I hate you, you're the devil spawn and will rot in hell, you really don't deserve him' way. Just in 'you rub it in my face that you have him and I don't then I will kill you' way.
Because I don't know exactly how but she seems to know, about me and my feelings for you. Do you remember a few weeks ago your at home TV date? The one where you sat in awkward silence, watching that show you hate with a pure passion, for an entire two hours. That one. When you went to say goodbye to her at the door, she was literally scrambling to get out, trying to avoid your advances to kiss her goodbye. I was watching you at the door, not on purpose I was just coming to get a drink and I saw. It hurt me to see you breaking, worrying as to why she wouldn't let you kiss her. I was watching you fall to pieces, and then she saw me. I could almost she a red light go off in her eyes. She lunged at you and kissed you hard. Not because she wanted to out of Love. She did it out of greedy need to warn me off and flaunt you in front of me.
That was the moment I realised she knows. I still can't work out how though, I'm incredibly careful around her. I don't she why she felt the need to do that though. I'm not a threat to your relationship with her, you don't want me in that way. I know you don't. You're straight. You're my best friend. You're my straight best friend. I'm not saying all this again. It hurts.
Well I guess I lied. Everything still hurts and it's definitely not better. Actually it's worse.
I'm sorry I can't be better for you. I'm trying but it's like sticking a knife in my gut, twisting and twisting while dragging it ever so slowly up towards my heart.
It's like dying. Can you even die from heartache?