Work Text:
Why.
This hopeless, sorrowful word is the first one to come into your think pan, and it's the one that lingers as you stare at the contorted fuchsia monstrosity invading your screen. You can think of two possibilities for why this has happened, and they're both equally bulge-curlingly stupid.
POSSIBILITY 1: Feferi has decided on a complete personality overhaul. Symptoms of this include name-change, penchant for glitter text and undoubtedly losing 99% of IQ. Why.
POSSIBILITY 2: Feferi has spontaneously been replaced by someone called Meenah, who endeavours to embody bad taste in her every action. Why.
Well, you can't see any other way to figure out which intensely stupid possibility is also the unfortunately true one other than just clicking the name and seeing what happens.
Here goes.
And God help you.
Even the sight of the chat window makes you shiver in disgust. But you must persevere. Otherwise, the reason for this atrocity will never be known; you will not let yourself suffer if your suffering is to be meaningless.
Nobly, you soldier on, braving the repulsive chat name to dig down to the root cause.
carcinoGeneticist [CG]
began trolling 
[MEENAH]
CG: TWO QUESTIONS.
CG: WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU.
CG: AND WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT.
MEENAH: im meenah motherglubbin peixes
MEENAH: and that
MEENAH: is STYL-E
CG: IT FEELS LIKE I WAS JUST PUNCHED IN THE FACE BY A WALL OF GLITTER.
MEENAH: well if you aint appreciatin
MEENAH: you deserve the punch for hatin
MEENAH: LAT-ERS [MEENAH] ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]
Why.
***
The last few weeks have passed in a whirlwind of dubstep and sparkles. Dubstep, sparkles and ")(-EY S)(OUTY".
Does she even know your name? She's never bothered to ask. It's always ")(-EY S)(OUTY" this, ")(-EY S)(OUTY" that...
MEENAH: )( -EY S)(OUTY
MEENAH: i got a tune for ya
--
[MEENAH]
sent
carcinoGeneticist [CG]
the file "fuchsia_ruler_38D.mp3" --
CG: OH MY GOD
CG: OH MY FUCKING GOD WHAT IS THIS
CG: IT SOUNDS LIKE LUMINESCENT FUCHSIA BUBBLES IN AUDIO FORM. AND THEY'RE EXPLODING RIGHT IN MY HEAR DUCTS.
CG: THERE ARE ACTUAL SPARKLES IN THIS. SOUND SPARKLES. I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THAT WAS POSSIBLE.
MEENAH: I KNOW 38D
MEENAH: this shit is S)(-ELLS of awesome
CG: MEENAH, IT SOUNDS LIKE THE BATTLEFIELD BETWEEN BAD TASTE AND WORSE TASTE.
CG: THE LOSER BEING MY AURICULAR SPONGE CLOTS.
MEENAH: 38D 38D 38D
MEENAH: catch ya later shouty
... ")(-EY S)(OUTY" this...
MEENAH: )(-EY S)(OUTY
MEENAH: i got a pic
MEENAH: 38D
MEENAH: check this ship out
--
[MEENAH]
sent
carcinoGeneticist [CG]
the file "me_n_shouty.png" --
CG: WHAT
CG: I DON'T EVEN
CG: THIS DOESN'T EVEN LOOK LIKE ME
CG: YOU DREW MY HORNS SO NUBBY I DON'T THINK THEY'RE EVEN THERE.
MEENAH: naw theyre there
MEENAH: an theyre reely cute 38<3
CG: WHAT SORT OF EMOTICON IS THAT.
MEENAH: whaddaya think it is
CG: IT LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE WITH THREE HORNS AND ENORMOUS GLASSES WITH A REALLY ANGULAR FROWN (OBVIOUSLY REALIZING HOW FUCKING RETARDED THEY LOOK) AND SHE'S OBVIOUSLY FEMALE, BECAUSE SHE'S GOT PRETTY BIG RUMBLE SPHERES THERE.
CG: DON'T GO SHOWING THAT SHIT TO MY LUSUS, OR HE'LL HAVE YOU BANNED FROM TALKING TO ME.
CG: AT LONG LAST.
MEENAH: aw vantas you is gillarious
MEENAH: its my tiara my glasses and a heart <3
CG: I FUCKING WELL KNEW THAT ALREADY.
MEENAH: but you had to go rant just to be adorabubble
MEENAH: and also to mention my spheres 3;)
CG: DFSHJGJKLFDJHGGKDFL
MEENAH: 38<3
... ")(-EY S)(OUTY" that...
MEENAH: )(-EY S)(OUTY
MEENAH: i made the pic betta 38D
--
[MEENAH]
sent
carcinoGeneticist [CG]
the file "me_n_shouty_B-ETTA_V-ERSION.gif" --
CG: GOODBYE.
And that one unwavering oh-so-descriptive word never leaves your head the entire time.
WHY.
***
The session went pretty well, you think.
Apart from Meenah stabbing Jack Noir as soon as she met him. And apart from Meenah teaming up with Vriska to "make Aradia pay", leading to a twelvefold cycle of revenge that left every single person in the session with at least a missing finger. And apart from Meenah developing a personal vendetta against Eridan and very nearly killing him multiple times. And apart from Meenah bullying Nepeta until she flipped out and started killing people. And apart from Meenah starting up the hideous "sparkly rumpus blowhole factory", dedicated entirely to blinged-up snapshots of your session at its height.
So basically, it didn't go very well at all. Thanks, Meenah.
Well, you'll allow her a little credit. Some of the music she throws at you isn't entirely terrible -- that, or you've been subjected to some kind of musical Stockholm syndrome. There's one track in particular that has grown on you the best: you take this moment to fondly regard Crustacean.
Not that that matters now: you're sitting on a meteor in the Furthest Ring, hiding from an omnipotent demon, flaming some alien kids into oblivion before you all inevitably die horrible deaths.
Hopefully Meenah isn't getting herself into trouble...
... oh, what are you saying. Of course she is.
MEENAH: buoy
MEENAH: you there buoy
EB: you mean boy?
MEENAH: no i mean buoy
MEENAH: heir of breath right
EB: yes.
MEENAH: i KN-EW it
MEENAH: thats why i keep wantin to krill you
EB: krill?
MEENAH: yeah
MEENAH: stab you up
MEENAH: cant have no other heirs pushin me outta the wave for the throne
EB: huh?
MEENAH: but i cant stab you cuz youre in a different tunaverse
MEENAH: hmmm
MEENAH: can you drown in that river of oil just there
MEENAH: yea that one
MEENAH: cuz your existence is pissin me off and ive haddock up to )(-ER-E with you
EB: um.
EB: could you...
EB: just not look at me or something?
EB: because i am not really in a hurry to be drowning in oil here.
MEENAH: nah
MEENAH: thats no fun
MEENAH: yo
MEENAH: creepy one
MEENAH: did you just blow up the first gate
TT: Correct. Why are you asking?
MEENAH: holy S)(IP
MEENAH: that was just so careless and needlessly destructive
MEENAH: like cod DAM
MEENAH: you is one dangerous motherglubber
TT: ...
MEENAH: i like you
MEENAH: hey shadesface mcsuit
TG: yes that is my name hello
MEENAH: water you doing
TG: im making a goddamn killing in the lohacse
TG: playin all these damn crocs for chumps
TG: basically ransacking the entire economy here
MEENAH: i thought so yea
MEENAH: soooo
MEENAH: can i have some
TG: some of my boonbucks
MEENAH: yep
TG: yes i am in a total hurry to give all of my money to some random troll girl i never met
TG: well
TG: okay
TG: i am
TG: but it aint you
MEENAH: aw cmon
MEENAH: im low on the bling right now
MEENAH: just a boonbank or two
TG: try someone else
TG: rose could be ransacking the lolarse for all i know
MEENAH: LOLARS-E 38D
MEENAH: LOLARS-E 38D
MEENAH: LOLARS-E 38D
TG: oh my fucking god that is the worst/best named stock exchange ever
TG: i should tell rose about that
TG: wait no then shed just psychoanalyse me for sayin it
TG: never mind
MEENAH: glub glub glub glub glub
GG: oh...
GG: noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
MEENAH: yea you B-ETTA oh no
MEENAH: all them weedy wimpy trolls stand aside
MEENAH: make way for some -EMPR-ESSARIAL trollin
MEENAH: i gotchu on lockdown
MEENAH: got my sights set on your weirdo human head
MEENAH: aint no escape for you
MEENAH: you is goin DOWN gurl
MEENAH: down like the troll titanic
MEENAH: swimmin with the fishes
MEENAH: KN-E-EL TO )(-ER COND-ESC-ENSION B-EAC)(
MEENAH: 38D
gardenGnostic [GG]
ceased trolling
[MEENAH]
MEENAH: fuck you
MEENAH: sooooooo
GG: what do YOU want
MEENAH: you sleep shell
GG: shell?
MEENAH: fuck it
MEENAH: well
GG: no!!!!!
GG: my dream was horrible!!!
GG: i dont know what that was i have never dreamed anything like it
MEENAH: )( -EY
MEENAH: dontchu talk shit bout the horrorterrors
MEENAH: best fuckin fronds i got
MEENAH: no more lame-o prospit for you
GG: oh god
GG: prospit :(
GG: is it really gone?
MEENAH: Y-EP
MEENAH: D-ERS-E WINS 38D
MEENAH: suckaaaaaaaa 38P
GG: uuuuuuuuugh D:
MEENAH: 38D 38D 38D
MEENAH: sweet dreams bitch [MEENAH]
ceased trolling gardenGnostic [GG]
GG: uuugh
GG: your name hurts my eyes :(
***
Three year trip through the fucking afterlife. Dull as all hell... when you're away from a certain Peixes, that is. At least she hasn't killed any of you. Yet.
She's even managed to rope you into some of her wicked schemes, which you complied with simply to alleviate the boredom. Definitely. The meteor-wide fish-slapping contest, the mustard-flavoured cake (a special gift for Dave) and flooding some of the lower sections of the meteor all alleviated boredom and nothing more, and you did not spend the entire time executing these wicked schemes with a truly Egbertian feeling of prankster's japery about you.
You can honestly say in all confidence that you are in no way becoming fond of Meenah Peixes and all her batshit ways, whether that fondness happens to be mating fondness or otherwise. And that was totally a comment that came straight out of the blue. No background to that whatsoever, you definitely do not spend a major portion of your days either with her or thinking about her. Absolutely not. No way. Nope.
Let's... get onto a different topic.
Some of the more interesting times on the meteor have been when you've passed through dream bubbles: meeting up with old friends, old enemies, and someone you haven't seen in a long time...
KARKAT: FEFERI???????
FEFERI: CARPCATFIS)(!!!!!!!
KARKAT: YOU'RE OLDER!
FEFERI: Of COURS-E I am, you stupid idiot! Glub glub!
MEENAH: what the glub is you
FEFERI: W)(at t)(e glub is YOU, FIS)(Y-FAC-E??? 38D
MEENAH: no dont gank ma lines beach
MEENAH: tell me what the glub you is
KARKAT: SHE'S THE GIRL YOU REPLACED.
KARKAT: THE GIRL WHO USED TO BE ON THE BOTTOM OF MY CHUMPROLL, BEFORE YOU CAME ALONG AND FILLED THAT SPACE WITH FUCHSIA SPARKLES.
FEFERI: Fuc)(sia sparkles??? 38O
FEFERI: I t)(ink you and I will get along SWIMMINGLY!
MEENAH: AND you do fish puns
FEFERI: S)(-ELL Y-ES! 38D
MEENAH: (so cute... must resist urge to stab...)
KARKAT: (meenah, *no*.)
KARKAT: (i'm taking that 3dent away from you.)
MEENAH: (i gotta krill her for empressarial superiority)
MEENAH: (and yet)
MEENAH: (she so CUT-E)
MEENAH: (cod dam empress genes)
MEENAH: (hang on...)
MEENAH: (fish princess sense is tingling)
MEENAH: (or should that be angling...)
MEENAH: (nah)
KARKAT: (what the spine-crunching fuck are you on about.)
MEENAH: yo feferry
MEENAH: is there another dead you around here or somefin
FEFERI: 38?
MEENAH: cuz i cant help eeling like i gotta poke you up
MEENAH: empress shit 38(
MEENAH: but is there another heiress round here
FEFERI: Not anot)(er )(eiress, but anot)(er )(eir!
FEFERI: Ta-daaaaaa! Glub gluuuub!
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK WHY IS EGBERT IN A CAGE
JOHN: help...
FEFERI: It's for )(is OWN GOOD!
FEFERI: Ot)(erwise I'd )(ave to kill )(im!
FEFERI: And )(e's just too glubbing CUT-E for t)(at. )(ee )(ee!
JOHN: can someone get me the fuck out of here????????
FEFERI: Aw, don't worry, you're SAF-E in t)(ere! 38)
JOHN: yeah, also kinda imprisoned!
MEENAH: hang on
MEENAH: ill kelp you blue buoy
KARKAT: MEENAH, PUT THE 3DENT DOWN.
MEENAH: gotta aim this just right
JOHN: uh oh
MEENAH: BULLS-EY-E
FEFERI: M-E-ENA)(!
KARKAT: DO YOU SEE WHAT I HAD TO DEAL WITH INSTEAD OF YOU?
KARKAT: DO YOU SEE?
FEFERI: Do you know w)(at I )(ad to deal wit)( instead of YOU?
KANKRI: It w9uld seem that Meenah has just sta66ed a caged human 69y. I hate t9 6e inflammat9ry, 6ut I cann9t even c9unt the num6er 9f ways in which this c9uld p9ssi6ly 6e triggering. H9wever, in 9rder t9 pr9vide y9u n96le sch9lars with the educati9n y9u need, I will attempt t9 list s9me 9f them. Firstly, there is the sheer fact that fuchsia-6l99d instincts are 6eing v9iced al9ud here. As y9u may 9r may n9t kn9w, my y9ung ancest9r here and I have mutant 6l99d, hence talk 9f the 6l99d as far 9n the c99ler side 9f the spectrum as it is p9ssi6le t9 6e can 6e very triggering t9 pe9ple like us. I am n9t aware whether y9u have g9ne thr9ugh any suffering 6ecause 9f y9ur 6l99d c9l9r, mystery y9unger Vantas, 6ut I will assume y9u have g9ne thr9ugh a great deal f9r the purp9ses 9f this argument. I will n9t attempt t9 invalidate y9ur und9u6tedly endless struggle, 9r mine f9r that matter. Instead my aim is t9 rec9ncile and ensure that n9 such harm is d9ne ever again. Hence I must enc9urage all 9f y9u t9 never even menti9n 6l99d c9l9rs again, 9r even c9l9rs at all f9r that matter, and n9 9ne shall need t9 6e triggered. Sec9nd item 9n the agenda: a cage, Feferi? Really? There is s9 much sym69lic imagery here that c9uld p9tentially trigger the p99r alien 69y t9 ruinati9n. Trapping him in a cage c9uld remind him 9f all the many pr96lematic ways pe9ple have 9ppressed him during his weird human life, and h9w they trapped him in a metaph9rical cage. I think it is an utter shame that y9u ch9se t9 restrain him in this way, while even speaking 9f y9ur 6l99d c9l9r in a way that is highly triggering t9 every9ne else in the vicinity, and pr96a6ly pe9ple n9t in the vicinity with a great deal 9f hearing privelige. Hence I think there is r99m f9r impr9vement 9n all fr9nts here, and I'd like it if y9u c9uld c9nsider the c9nsequences 9f y9ur w9rds and acti9ns, 9r at least ver6alize suita6le hashtags t9 warn pe9ple 9f p9ssi6le triggers 6ef9rehand. Thank y9u.
KARKAT: ...
MEENAH: ...
FEFERI: ...
KARKAT: GOODBYE.
