Chapter Text
America
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Hello Mr. President. As you explore the White House and enjoy your new found power you may have noticed the presence of one Alfred F. Jones. He is the NP (Nation Personification) of the United States and as such requires certain care and keeping. The following list should be enough to get you started, however, like anything it is subject to change as a result of his personality. Further details may be found in the Black Book but that is hard to get a hold of (and last i hear the librarian was refusing to let us borrow it because Alfred broke it. Again.) I do not know whether you have ever wanted children but regardless you are now a parent (addendum you have kids. congrats now you have another) to the American nation. As the former president i can only wish you the best of luck and may god have mercy on your soul.
1) Alfred likes ice cream and burgers keep them stocked at all time
2) Arthur (Great Britain/England) visits often
3) No they aren't dating
4) Relationships of the NPS will confuse and distress you it is best not to think about it and ignore any and all evidence of them
5) It is not worth the effort to get involved in any of their fights
6)It is a violation of the Geneva convention to make war criminals babysit them
7) Expect phone calls at 2am informing you of the wrongs he has done
8)Yes the bail money is under the rabbit figurine on the mantle piece in the Green room.
9)We have been assured all records concerning a mime a bird and the statue of liberty have been sealed
10) Occasionally Canada will visit he is America's twin and lives in Toronto. He is a forgettable boy but very polite. It is safe to use him to babysit the kids.
11)America tends to be forgetful of Canada make sure he doesn't accidentally leave him somewhere or forget him and leave him on the front step.
12) Matthew (Canada) and Alfred have a complicated relationship.
13) Mattie holds a grudge from when Alfred invaded Canada
14) Alfred still holds a grudge from when Mattie set the white house on fire
15) It is best not to mention Afghanistan and America is still not on speaking terms with either Russia or Cuba He also doesn't get along well with Mexico
16) He gets sick when the economy is bad and likes chicken noodle soup by the gallon
17) America also gets phantom pains on the anniversary of the Boston Massacre, Gettysburg, Antietam and Pearl Harbor among others. give him the day off and offer some aspirin. He will be right as rain the day after.
18) Do not under any circumstances allow America to be alone in the same room with France. we don't want another international incident
19) Try to avoid being in the same room near France
20) It is not an act of war to tackle a country when they feel up your wife
21) Most prime ministers and dignitaries bring their country's with them when they visit.
22) Sealand is not a country
23) He will try to convince you otherwise resist the sad eyes
24) Contrary to all logic and reason the NPS are able to conceal a variety of weapons and objects on their persons regardless of size.
25) Hungary tends to carry a frying pan up her sleeve and Prussia somehow manages to carry a medival era sword. Spain had a fucking battle axe last i heard.
26) If you hear Alfred yelling ignore it. He probably deserved whatever he got hit with no matter who hit him
27) Never get between America and his football games
28) It is NOT safe to allow the following to babysit: Russia, France, Spain, South Italy, China
29) Safe nations to babysit include: Canada, England, Italy (Northern keep the Southern half far away unless you want your children dropping four letter words constantly), and surprisingly Prussia.
30) Alfred likes to watch scary movies.
31) Alfred also gets nightmares from them
32) Expect irate calls from England questioning your parenting
33) If Germany visits expect to get Italy too
34) Italy will cook you wonderful food
35) Germany is the voice of reason
36) Prussia has hidden depths of evil if he shows up call his brother (Germany) yes he is technically not a country anymore but do not mention that unless you want to have one drunk ex-nation crying in the dining room.
37) Yes that is a bird on Prussia's head. Do not question it.
38) America likes to invite Japan over for video games expect calls from the Japanese boss regarding his country's location.
39) If you value your sanity do not under any circumstances allow Prussia, Austria and Hungary to visit at the same time.
40) Ditto for England and France
41) England is an alcoholic
42) Keep brandy in stock for his visits
43) England and France will start fights over Canada and America and how they were raised. Do not intervene.
44)If you try to flee screaming into the night America WILL find you
45) You do not want to hear his 'i am so disappointed in you' talk
46) If you declare war for no good reason expect retaliation from Alfred
47) He won't admit it but he loves kids
48) The states all have personalities of their own. expect to hear from Delaware and Pennsylvania regarding the horrors that will happen to you if you hurt their dad.
49) England will do the same but phrases it as a not so subtle threat to your manhood and sanity if you harm his son/lover (I'm not quite sure and i try not to think about it either)
50) The panic room is soundproof and stocked with alcohol and food. Only you and your wife can get in. Your welcome
Hopefully the above will be helpful regarding your encounters with America. Congrats on being President don't forget how hard you worked and how much money you spent to get this privilege. Enjoy the next four years!
Regards
Ex-President