Chapter Text
Everything feels surreal.
Everything from agreeing to join a band, to having to learn a whole concert's worth of songs to play, to Ziggy spoiling the surprise, to having a panic attack right before climbing on stage, to being comforted by her ex-girlfriend, and to finally being there, drumming to one of her favorite songs, Gigantic by Pixies, in front of more than a thousand people, as she’s dressed as an infamous Shadyside killer.
It’s…insane.
This is the word Deena has in mind. The word that has been in her mind since she decided to accept Alex’s offer. It’s probably even been there ever since she arrived on campus that first day. It just feels insane.
Deena would like to say that it doesn’t bother her. That she’s just enjoying herself, living in the moment, not worrying about anything outside of this dreamy bubble. She really wants to say that. To feel that way. But she doesn’t.
It’s nice, it really is. What’s happening is amazing. It’s unlike anything she’s ever had. It’s literally the best day of her life. But still, there’s this feeling, deep inside her chest, this echo in the back of her mind, this chilly sensation at the nape of her neck, that prevents her from just letting herself drift into contentment and sink into euphoria.
Unconsciously, she’s waiting for the other shoe to drop.
But she still tries not to let it show. It’s not like she can really let her anxiety creep in though, because she’s kind of too busy not messing up their performance. And it’s all too overwhelming anyway. So she just keeps on letting her hands do the job, completely disconnected.
It’s true what everyone has said. She shouldn’t have worried because no matter how long she hasn’t drummed, she will never forget how to. It’s muscle memory at this point.
And it’s good.
It’s good because after what happened earlier, after she freaked out and panic got the best of her, she’s still in a hazy state. It’s like she forgot her glasses (if she even had those) and the world all around her is blurry. It’s like someone put soundproof headphones over her head and everything is muffled. She can feel the life around her. Feel that the world hasn’t stopped moving. But she’s not really part of it.
And usually, it’s scary. And most of the time it’s frustrating to not remember moments of her life because her anxiety level sky-rocketed, making her move on autopilot. But today she’s kind of grateful. Because there’s still this prickly feeling of unease, of worry, she doesn’t really know why or what she should be anxious about.
It’s all very confusing.
She’s there and also not.
She feels her sticks in her hands, beating on the drums, rhythmically, in sync, she supposes, with the other instruments, but that’s all she’s aware of.
She can make out, from the corners of her eyes, Alex and Evan, standing at the front of the stage, behind two mics, guitars in hand, moving their bodies, carried by the music, the electricity in the atmosphere.
She tries to focus. She tries to anchor herself to the feeling of the wood she’s gripping. To the vibration from the drums when her sticks connect with them. To the sweat starting to drip down her spine despite the cool air of the night. To the sound of the speakers. To the sound of the crowd. To the feeling of the ground seemingly shaking with the loudness of the music and the crowd's enthusiasm.
She grips her drumsticks harder.
She brings them down one last time, the last beat to the song.
And it all comes back at once.
The cheering, the music, the lights, the chills.
It’s like regaining consciousness after being shocked by an AED.
It knocks the wind out of her.
And her eyes frantically look around, incapable of locking onto anything.
And it’s not the panic or anxiety rising again, no, she knows it’s not. It’s more like she took a shot of adrenalin and all her senses are wide awake.
By the time Evan and David, with his bass, are strumming the first notes of the next song and Alex is jogging toward her, Deena is finally taking a large gulp of air.
“You okay?”
Alex seems to be having a hard time catching her breath too, a thin layer of sweat gathered at the top of her forehead where her hair had been slicked back. Deena can tell that Alex is having the time of her life but still, she’s trying to tamper down the grin that she certainly had just before she came checking on Deena to make sure that she is comfortable enough to give an honest answer if she’s not fine.
As if Deena would say anything if she wasn’t feeling good.
But still, she doesn’t feel the need to lie right now.
“Yeah,” she wipes at her forehead with her hand, getting rid of the sweat threatening to trickle down her face. “A little overwhelmed but I’m fine.”
Alex looks at her attentively. And they don’t have much time before the song really starts and she’s supposed to sing but still, she takes the time to study Deena’s face, making sure she’s not getting bullshited.
Deena raises an eyebrow and it seems to be enough for Alex.
“Splendid,” she starts walking back as Evan takes the lead on the singing. “You’re killing it, mate.” She winks, gracefully spinning with her guitar already in hand as she faces the crowd again, standing behind the mic, she picks up the singing with ease.
Deena takes it as her cue to start drumming.
She’s still on autopilot but not because her mind is elsewhere. No, she’s back. Her eyes are roaming over the stage, looking at Alex, Evan, and David, the three of them ecstatic, their fingers moving quickly and deftly over the chords of their instruments. A small smile pulls at Deena’s lips as she picks up the rhythm and drums more fervently as they’re close to the chorus. And she’s giving it everything she has, as her gaze move to the crowd. She’s looking at all these people screaming the lyrics at the top of their lungs and dancing as much as they can when they’re all squeezed together. And she’s beaming. And she feels it. That rush. That feeling running through her veins. That spark igniting everything inside her.
The thrill of finally being where she belongs.
The certainty that she found her place.
Of what she wants to do.
Who she wants to be.
And at this moment, she’s not afraid anymore.
There’s no more worry. Everything just feels so small compared to what’s happening.
Shadyside, her shitty dad, her dead mom, the weight of having to be Josh’s caretaker, her overall broken family, the constant anxiety of never feeling like she’s doing enough - like she is good enough.
Even college feels so small. Even the fact that she isn’t really where she would like to be despite wanting to just as much as be able to go college just to prove that she could, just to have somewhere to go because, in reality, she has no idea what to do with her life.
Or at least that’s what she’s told herself.
Because she always thought that she would never make it into music. She’s always thought it was stupid. Her dad is proof of it. He had a band, a deal, and even a tour opportunity but all of that just…fell apart.
But yes, at that moment, Deena doesn’t care.
She’s just here and she feels good.
And, at the back of her mind, there’s a new thought, a small one but it’s there nonetheless.
“Maybe it’s not stupid.”
And she drums harder.
Because now she wants to believe that it’s not unreachable.
That maybe, if she just hold out her hand, she can touch it.
Because sometimes that’s all it takes; one hand outstretched and another, meeting it halfway, to catch it.
***
Deena can’t really tell how the end of the concert went because everything passed in a blur.
She knows it was all very exciting and she knows people were being very loud and that they asked for more but the band couldn’t play more than one other song that wasn’t on their setlist because the administration had made it clear that they had to leave the field before 11:30 pm. So by 11, they stopped, thanked their audience, and as everyone was already making their way out of the field to, no doubt, continue celebrating Halloween on their own, either in the dorms or at some of the frat parties around the campus, Deena and the rest of the band started quickly working on clearing the stage of the instruments and installation with the help of some of their friends and a few of the IT department’s students.
So as everyone, including Deena, is working on clearing the stage, she is still high on the feeling of performing and not really paying attention to the conversation happening around her.
She was aware enough when Alex announced that the concert was over and they regrouped to hear all of the others congratulate her and told her that she was “fucking amazing, Deena!”. She remembers smiling and saying that “we were pretty great yeah” but after that, she just followed their lead on packing up everything.
So when someone tackles her, rather enthusiastically, from behind, as she is struggling to wind a very long cable, she jumps so hard that she almost trips over her feet and fall right on her face. Thankfully enough, the person who attacked her, has their hands tightly wrapped around her waist, holding her firmly and preventing her, not only from falling but from breathing.
“Dee-Dee!”
Deena winces at the nickname that she despises as much as being forcefully squeezed.
“Simon,” she chokes out as she hears some low chuckles from the other members of the band. “Personal space. And air. Air, please.”
“Oh,” Deena feels his hold loosen and the air finally filling her lungs. “Sorry.”
She glances around, spotting, as she thought, Alex and David watching her both smirking like assholes, and another guy that she doesn’t know, who stops smiling and scurry quickly elsewhere as soon as their eyes meet. Apparently, her glare, although targeted at Alex and David scared him rather than them.
Deena snorts at Alex who winks before she goes back to her own task, and Deena turns to face Simon, ready to make a snark comment but the words get stuck when she takes him in.
He is beaming, as he usually is, but today his lips are painted in black lipstick. And the rest of his face is also covered in makeup. And yes, Sam did say that they were matching costumes but Deena hadn’t exactly pictured it in her head. And now that he is in front of her…well.
“You look,” she tries to find the right word. Just, words at all. But nothing comes to mind so she settles for, “wow.”
Simon’s grin grows even wider as he opens his arms and spins on himself.
“I know right!”
Deena shakes her head but she smiles too because it’s Simon and as annoying as he can be, it’s also endearing in some way. And she’s proven right when he jumps up and down, grabs her by the shoulders, and adds: “But you were amazing too! I would even say that you killed it!”
He winks and giggles and yeah, it’s just a Simon thing.
“It was good, yeah?” She says rather indifferently as she goes back to her cable winding.
“Pfft stop being so modest Dee-Dee,” he waves her off, shaking his head. “You heard us right? No one’s loud like that when it was just good.”
She smiles, biting the inside of her lip to prevent a huge grin from splitting her face in two.
“Come on, Simon, you know she’ll never admit that you’re right.”
Deena looks over her shoulder where, at the front of the stage, the rest of her friends are gathered, leaning against the stage, looking up at her.
The sight is unsettling.
The music is gone, the crowd is gone, there’s no more screams and even the air is not as charged as it was, and yet, yet, being on stage, looking down at people as if they were fans waiting for the band to come back and play something, it’s really strange.
She feels like she has vertigo.
And without really realizing it, she seeks Sam. She looks for her sweet smile and calming blue eyes.
But Sam’s missing.
And it confuses her. She almost wants to ask about it. But she doesn’t. Because her eyes go over the rest of the group and there is so much pride in their eyes, there’s still this spark, this excitement, and all of it grounds her. And right now she focuses on that.
The concert was really good, and she wants to enjoy the feeling as long as she can.
Eventually, Deena’s eyes find Kate’s and she smirks. It’s that same familiar smile that screams “I told you so” but Deena can also tell that she’s hiding her true feelings behind. Just like her. Because that’s how they are.
Deena rolls her eyes and just like that, they know.
“Whatever, the entertainment’s over, we need to pack everything up so, see ya.”
She starts turning around to get back to the equipment when Ziggy calls out to her.
“Hey, wait,” Deena glances at her, one eyebrow raised, suspicion settling on her face when she notices Ziggy’s devilish grin. “We’ll be waiting for you right there,” she points at the vague area near the field barrier and not far both from the van and the restroom building. “ So don’t try to ditch us, Dee-Dee. Night’s not over yet.”
Deena frowns at that and it only elicits a wink from Ziggy. And when Deena looks over the rest of the group they’re just smiling as if it’s an inside joke that she isn’t on.
Before she can even formulate an answer – or a question – they’re walking away, and soon it’s just her and Simon standing on the stage.
He takes her by her shoulders again. “Stop daydreaming, there’s no time for that.”
She watches him carefully, still completely clueless. “What do you mean?”
He shrugs, grinning. “Ziggy told you. Night’s not over yet.”
And then he snatches the cable from her hands, and loops it around his neck before he picks up another one near the drum set and starts winding it as he walks down the stage toward the van.
Completely lost and confused Deena stands on the spot for about 15 seconds before she snaps out of it and decides that whatever they’re planning, she can deal with it later.
She goes to the drum set and picks up two of the cymbals and their stands in each hand. She brings them to David and Alex who are putting everything in the van. Simon’s also there, apparently talking about something interesting because both David and Alex are listening attentively, nodding their heads in the affirmative. But as Deena approaches, Simon seems to get quiet and she notices the glances that the three of them throw over their shoulders.
There’s definitely something going on.
She hands over the cymbals and David smiles, thanking her. She wants to ask what they were talking about but Alex doesn’t let her.
“Simon, do you mind taking my place here? Gonna help Deena with the rest of the set.” He nods, flashing her a big smile as if she offered to buy him food. “Perfect, thank you.” She glances at Deena, gesturing for her to follow. “Come on, we’re almost done.”
“Yeah.”
They walk in silence until they reach the stage, picking up the rest of the drums and making sure that there’s nothing left. When they have everything they go back to David and Simon and put the last of the equipment in the van.
Alex closes the doors, sighing heavily. “That’s still my least favorite part.”
“Yeah,” David agrees. “At least the IT guys helped since Evan couldn’t bother.”
“I thought I hadn’t seen him,” Alex frowns, looking around. “Where’s he?”
David tilts his head toward the changing room building and, indeed, there’s Evan.
But he’s not alone.
It’s too far and too dark for Deena to see the other person’s face but she recognizes the outfit.
The costume.
It’s Sam.
Deena suddenly feels very hot.
She shouldn’t feel like that. Her blood shouldn’t feel like it’s bubbling in her veins. She shouldn’t feel her hands uncontrollably balling into fists.
No, she shouldn’t be angry. Shouldn’t be…bothered.
But she is because it all feels so familiar. It’s like she’s standing on another football field in Sunnyvale, two years prior, and she has to watch her ex-girlfriend with someone else.
And despite the fact that everything is different, despite the fact that she has moved on – or at least she thinks she has – despite the fact that Sam and Evan are very much not dating, not even standing that close to each other, still, Deena has a deja-vu and she doesn’t like it.
Alex groans and Deena tears her eyes from them.
“You’ve got to be kidding me.”
And just like that she’s, resolutely, marching toward them.
Deena can’t help it, she looks away.
“Come on, they’re waiting for us.”
She glances at Simon and after they say goodbye to David, they join the rest of their friends standing near the barrier.
“Finally,” Ziggy whines. “I know you’re a star and all now but don’t let it get to your head.”
“Oh yeah sorry for being helpful while you stood there doing absolutely nothing.”
“I wasn’t doing nothing,” she raises her hand, taking a gulp of a bottle that looks like an innocent bottle of water but that Deena is sure isn’t filled with water. “I had to keep busy.”
“I’m sure it was really painful for you.” Deena rolls her eyes. “It’s not like you have somewhere to be anyway.”
“Actually…” Ziggy starts.
“We have,” Sheila completes. “somewhere to be, that is.”
“Oh really?”
“Don’t act so surprised, I told you the night’s far from over.”
“So I’ve heard,” Deena scoffs. “Well, you’re free to go now I guess.”
“Oh, Dee-Dee.”
Deena cringes and glares at Ziggy. But she just smirks and when Deena looks around, she catches the same smile on everyone else’s face.
“What’s going on?”
They all ignore her and with one last shared glance and smile, they start walking.
“More walking and less talking, Deena.”
“Hey…”
The rest of her phrase dies in her throat when she feels both her arms being tugged. When she looks to her right, Simon has looped her arm with his, and when she looks to the left, it’s Alice who’s done the same.
“I can walk by myself.”
“Just trying to be supportive,” Alice shrugs, sending an amused smile.
“Supportive? That’s an understatement.” Deena side-eyes them. She tries to wiggle her arms out of their grasp to prove her point. “Try coercive.”
“Such a big word,” Alice sneers. “Who taught it to you?”
Deena glares but doesn’t say anything else as her attention is pulled away by Sam passing them and joining Heather at the front of their group, a few steps ahead. They’re talking lowly to each other. And it makes Deena even more suspicious. And also a bit frustrated that Sam still hasn’t said anything to her. Or even acknowledge her presence. Now Deena understands what Sam went through when she ignored her at the beginning of the semester.
When Deena sees Heather and Sam turning to the left while the rest of the group continues right ahead, Deena can’t take it anymore. If the night’s not over for her, there’s no way they can escape from it either.
“Where are you two going?”
It gets everyone to stop.
Very slowly, Heather turns around to face her, hands in her pockets, and she shrugs. Sam on her part only twists her head toward her. She looks nervous and, from behind, it looks like she’s toying with her overalls as she keeps on glancing around, almost never meeting Deena’s eyes.
“Sam and Simon left their accessories in Simon’s room. We’re just going to pick them up.”
That’s a fair answer Deena thinks. Or partly. Because it’s not like they absolutely need them. Knowing Simon they might be though but since he hasn’t said anything, Sam could totally have taken the opportunity to at least escape from further humiliation. Or at least that’s how Deena feels.
“Why?”
If Heather is taken aback or frustrated or impatient, she doesn’t show anything. She simply shrugs again.
“Because we’re taking pictures.”
And ok, fair enough. But still, she feels it in her guts that they’re up to something. All of them. And she doesn’t like it.
She doesn’t like surprises.
“Fine. But if it’s Simon’s room, why are you two going then?”
Heather, still unfazed, smiles.
“Because clearly, he’s busy right now.”
Deena frowns. It’s such a poor excuse.
“Okay but-”
“We’ll be back,” Heather cuts her off, grabbing Sam by the arm and marching away.
Mouth agape, Deena’s eyes follow them as they leave. Once again, before she can say anything at all, the others start moving again and she’s getting dragged…somewhere.
As they walk toward this unknown destination, Deena tries to ask again where they’re taking her but her questions stay unanswered or she gets very vague or unsatisfying replies.
Quite frankly, it frustrates her to no avail.
Despite the fact that the concert went well, and that her panic attack didn’t entirely ruin the experience (just sucked and left her feeling weird and vulnerable), she doesn’t get to enjoy her high because now she’s nervous about whatever they have planned. And if they’re taking her to a crowded frat house with half the campus getting drunk on awful mixes of alcohol while listening to an even more awful mix of bad music, this is probably not going to end well. Right now, she’s in a haze and she can’t really say what she’s feeling. But what she knows is that there is a whirlwind of emotions and thoughts inside her head and her heart and if she doesn’t get some kind of peace to process everything, she might just implode.
The problem with growing up as the only “adult” in the family is that, now, Deena likes her control. And when she doesn’t have any, when she has to rely on others or just let fate decide for her, well, let’s say that it makes her grumpier than she usually is. And Kate and Simon know that. So why, why would they put her in this position?
She’s brought back to reality when Alice and Simon, still holding her arms, suddenly stop walking. She looks ahead and realizes that they stand in front of the library.
“Why are we here?” she asks, frowning at the sight of Ziggy approaching the library’s entrance, sliding something out of her pocket. When she sees Ziggy pushing the something into the keyhole, Deena can only conclude that it’s the key. She feels her insides twist into knots and she hisses, “How do you even have that?”.
“Relax Dee-Dee, Heather gave it to me.”
“Gave it?”
Ziggy unlocks the door, turns to face Deena, and shrugs.
“Lend, if you prefer.”
I don’t, Deena thinks as she watches Ziggy open the door for everyone to get inside.
“What are you doing? Why are we here?” Deena repeats, frustration turning into panic and anger.
Alice and Simon lead her inside and when they got through, she forces them to stop, waiting for Ziggy – or anyone really – to answer.
“Relax,” Ziggy says again. “I asked Heather if we could store our booze in here so we don’t have to go all the way back to the dorm.” She turns and with what Deena can only imagine is a shit-eating grin, she says: “We’ll be in and out.”
And Deena feels so wrong about this. She’s not even suspicious anymore, she just feels like it’s all so wrong. Being in here at night not only reminds her of that time after the homecoming concert and when she punched that guy in the face (before she ran away and hid in there with Sam), but also that even if they have the key, they’re not supposed to be here. And it’s not just her or Heather. It’s all of them. And apparently, it’s them using it for their benefice. And Deena doesn’t like that. She feels like she broke Mrs. Stine’s trust even though she herself is powerless and has nothing to do with it. It’s all Heather and it’s so out of character. Even if Heather has known Mrs. Stine for a little over two years, Deena thinks giving the key to anyone – and especially Ziggy – is really strange. And with each step they take toward the back, where there’s the stockroom, small lounge, and Mrs. Stine’s office, the more uncomfortable she feels.
The darkness of the place wraps around her and she fully feels like she’s going to have another panic attack until, suddenly, they push through the door leading to the back and she’s blinded by the light.
She blinks, feeling her friends’ grasp on her arms loosen.
Her eyes open, adjusting themselves to the brightness and…
“What the fuck?”
Standing there, in front of her, in a line, in the middle of the room, are her friends, grinning but otherwise very quiet.
She stares at them, struggling to realize what’s going on.
“Ok, can we say it now that there’s no more risk of her having a heart attack?”
Deena vaguely recognizes Ziggy’s voice and when she locates her, she watches as she sends a pointed look toward someone that, when Deena follows Ziggy’s eyesight, realizes is Sam. But again, before Deena can do anything, she just sees Sam giving a shy nod, and then the room erupts in one loud and big:
“Surprise!”
Even though, yes, Deena saw them and they didn’t exactly surprise her because well they waited until she took a good look at them, she’s still startled and feels her heart leap in her chest with the shout.
They all clap and Deena is seriously so confused.
“What’s going on?”
Her voice is low and rasping but they appear to hear her anyway because they all stare at her kind of amused but also confused about her confusion.
“It’s a surprise party to celebrate your first concert,” Heather says, smiling softly.
“And,” Ziggy approaches, looping an arm around her shoulders. “It’s also–”
“A continuation of our Halloween celebration,” Heather cuts off.
Deena catches another pointed look but this time from Heather sent to Ziggy. And if it’s not suspicious enough, the way Ziggy heavily rolls her eyes and sighs a dismissing “yeah, that”, adds to the whole group’s weird behavior.
“Anyway, ready to party all night, Dee-Dee?” Ziggy smirks, squeezing Deena even closer to her and looking over at Sheila who materialized next to a very large speaker that Deena hasn’t noticed before.
“Not if you keep on calling me that,” Deena retorts. But the end of her sentence is drowned out by the sound of loud music filling the room.
“Ah sorry, can’t hear you,” Ziggy shrugs falsely, yelling in her ear. Deena snorts and Ziggy smirks again, sliding her arm out of Deena’s shoulders but not letting her go entirely. Instead, she goes behind her and starts pushing her toward the middle of the room where everyone else is gathering to dance. “It’s time to show you what a real party looks like.”
Even if the music is really loud (not only louder than it’s normally allowed in a library but louder than probably recommended for anyone who would like to keep their hearing), Deena can still hear the cheers of everyone else. They’re already all smiling, laughing, and throwing their arms in the air, hopping, completely entranced by the music. It’s like they never left the concert. And it fills Deena with that same feeling. Something locking into place. Despite herself, she smiles. She tries to bite her lips to tamper it down but she can’t. Maybe she doesn’t have to take the time to process everything that happened tonight. Maybe she can do that later. Maybe the best thing to do right now is to enjoy and make it last. One of the best nights of her life. Maybe she can just stop worrying for once and accept that something good is happening. That it’s her time. And she deserves that peace of mind. To just shut down her brain and be a teenager. Just a college student. Be a Ziggy. Be a Kate. Be a Simon. Or simply be herself.
Be Deena.
So she lets go.
She allows herself.
She lives in the moment.
Freely.
Not caring about anything else than just what’s happening right now.
And what’s happening right now is she, surrounded by the people that she cares about. That care about her. That support her. That, whether she’s known them for years, like Kate and Simon, or just a few weeks, like the others, bring out the best version of herself. The true her. The vulnerable her. The Deena that she’s always tried so hard to keep hidden. Hidden beneath endless layers of tough shell. A shell so hard that even she sometimes has trouble remembering what lies underneath. Even, at times, wanting to forget what lies underneath.
And today is one of those times. But not for the same reason. No, today she just doesn’t want to care. She’s not going to follow her head but her heart.
So when Simon takes her hands to pull her toward him, toward them, and out of her mind, she lets him. She lets herself. And she lets her body move with the push and pull of the tide of swaying bodies around her. And Deena Johnson actually dances. Or something that she thinks is considered dancing for them and by them. Because they cheer and whoop and encourage her. So she continues, caring very little about a distant echo in her head telling her that this is ridiculous. She just enjoys it. They all do. From one song to another, they never stop. Only to grab more drinks or pick at the food that someone, at some point, took out and put around the room – on the kitchen counter and on the small coffee table that’s been pushed away with the couch and armchairs to make room for the dancefloor. But Deena doesn’t even need to stop because somehow a slice of pizza and a cup seems to appear in her hand at some point and despite the fact that she’s convinced she has drank way more than its size, the cup is never empty. But she doesn’t worry about it. She actually finds it magical. Which should make her worry about how drunk she is but again, alcohol is clearly clouding her judgment. But it’s okay because they never stop moving and she never stops either. And her cheeks hurt from smiling so wide. And her body aches everywhere from the very long day she’s had. And she feels the sweat dripping down her forehead and her spine. And she gets smacked in the head by Simon’s fake ax. But it’s okay. It’s all okay. It’s so okay that she actually as much as whines when the music suddenly stops. And the look on Ziggy’s face when she turns to find the culprit who interrupted her sobers her enough to realize that yes she has drunk more than she usually does.
She suddenly feels warmer and it’s not from all the moving around but from the realization and an amused smirk on Ziggy.
Gross.
She tries to regain some composure.
“No worries Deena, I won’t be long.”
Deena only just raises one eyebrow, watching her carefully because why is that girl always acting so suspicious? It seems like she’s always scheming something.
Ziggy clears her throat very audibly.
“So,” she looks around, watching all of them. “As we’re all aware, we’re celebrating Halloween, but,” she pauses, seemingly trying to build some dramatic effect, which makes Deena roll her eyes. But Ziggy only smirks wider and ever so slowly takes her phone out from…somewhere inside her bloody dress, and even slower, lift it up, screen lit up with the time. It reads 3 minutes past midnight. “It wasn’t really Halloween until three minutes ago. So you know what that means?”
Deena waits but Ziggy doesn’t say anything else, her eyes locked on her. And when Deena looks around, they’re all watching her too.
So, dumbly, she says, “Happy Halloween?”
She hears some chuckles and groans and Ziggy, despite her clear amusement, shakes her head as if she’s really done with Deena.
“What?”
“Honestly, your obliviousness was fun and even cute at first, but I can’t even enjoy it anymore.”
“What?” Deena repeats, her tone laced with confusion and a bit of offense.
“Since I have to spell it out for you,” Ziggy sighs but her smile remains in place as she lifts her cup in the air. “Happy Birthday, Deena.”
If Deena was surprised when they led her into the library and she discovered that they’d prepared a party not only for Halloween but to celebrate the concert – her first concert – her shock and confusion are now reaching another level as, for the second (or third) time of the night, they’re cheering for her.
She stays there, mouth slightly opened, cup in her hand, as they all gather around her, side-hugging and patting her on the back. And for the third time, she says, “What?”.
And if Ziggy, or Kate, or even Heather, that she sees from the corner of her eye, were ready to scream in frustration, they’re interrupted by a voice, somehow drowning everyone else’s, from behind Deena.
“Dude, you’re embarrassing me.”
Deena spins around so fast that she feels nausea coming at her full force.
But it’s nothing compared to the blow she physically feels when she sees her brother standing by the door next to Sam, with, only a few feet behind, Alex, David, and Evan.
Her mouth opens and she can only wonder if she was about to say “what” for the fourth time, because before she can even think about it, she’s tackling him into a hug so hard that, Sam has to sidestep as they almost go tumbling into the three people standing behind.
“Hey!” Josh whines, his voice muffled by Deena’s shoulder. “It’s not because you’re dressed as Tommy Slater that you actually have to murder someone today.”
“Shut up, dimwit.”
“Wow, thanks, sis,” he grumbles unhappily. But Deena feels his hold tighten around her and she hugs him harder.
It’s not like she hasn’t had any contact with him ever since she left Shadyside. Truth be told, even if she can admit she hasn’t had as much time as she would have expected to talk to him with how fast college life can be, they still texted fairly often. Even if it was just to send a dumb meme or annoy the other with a text like “just dropped my pancakes on the floor and they still tasted better than the ones you make lol” or “just walked past a middle school and I thought I saw you. you think they’re getting taller or you’re just really short?”. Texts to which they didn’t necessarily expect any answer, for obvious reasons, but were their way of saying that they thought about each other. In their own siblings' way. But still, even if they’ve never stopped texting each other, there’s just something about seeing him here. Not just here in front of her but here as in 5 hours away from Shadyside, on her college campus, and on her birthday. It’s not just unexpected. It’s not weird. It’s impossible.
She loosens her grip and takes a step back, about to ask “how?”, but he doesn’t let her.
“The concert was really good by the way. Was something else than Shadyside High band, huh?”
Deena’s mouth opens and her eyebrows rise. She looks at him, confused, waiting for him to clarify but he doesn’t.
“You were there? Wh– When did you get here?”
He glances behind him and scratches the back of his neck, his smile faltering.
“I was supposed to be there earlier but we got stuck in traffic.” Deena can tell he’s still annoyed but more than anything he seems apologetic. “But they Facetimed me while you were playing so I didn’t miss it entirely.”
“You got stuck in traffic?” Deena repeats, again, dumbly and Josh nods. “How did you even get here?”
Josh opens his mouth to answer but someone slides next to them, holding a hand up.
“I know you have a lot of questions but when you,” Kate points a finger at Deena, “drink, your brain needs even more time to catch up so let’s put this conversation off until you can actually use your last two brain cells effectively.”
Deena glares at her, ready to argue.
“Yeah and you know, your reunion is sweet and all but we’re all here waiting for you to finish so we can actually celebrate your birthday so,” Ziggy throws her arm around Deena’s shoulders, her free arm gesturing between the two siblings. “Wrap it up.”
Deena rolls her eyes and Josh smirks, probably enjoying the fact that his sarcastic and teasing sister who always tries really hard to have the last word, found someone even more stubborn than her.
“Fine. We’ll talk later.”
Deena shakes herself off Ziggy’s grasp and takes notice – though she saw them before she hugged Josh – of the three people standing behind. And not for the first – or the last – time, surprise washes over her.
“So you all knew?”
Alex steps closer, hands buried in the pockets of her pants suit, and grins knowingly.
“Not up until an hour ago. But yes, a little birdy might have informed us.”
Deena frowns but for the real first time tonight, her brain catches up quickly and her eyes find Simon.
“You.”
He smiles broadly and winks proudly.
“Me!”
Deena shakes her head but she can feel her lips twitching, her body begging to let go of her own control and let it react. And she lets it. But barely.
“I hate you all.”
She takes a good look around, trying to show her annoyance but her eyes are shining with gratitude and she’s sure no one misses it. But she’s still sure to send a particularly pointed look at Kate that means “we’re going to talk about that later”.
Unfazed, arms crossed over her chest, lips in a tight line, Kate levels her with the same look.
“That wasn’t me.”
Deena’s eyebrows rise and she looks over at Simon, surprised that it wasn’t Kate’s idea but at the same time, she should have figured as much. Kate’s not stupid enough to risk getting murdered even if it’s in front of a large group of witnesses.
Simon shrugs, “Not me either.” He offers a crooked smile. “Not entirely.”
Deena’s mouth opens. She looks around, trying to find an explanation in her friends’ eyes or behavior but they basically all shrug like Simon.
And it finally clicks. She slowly turns back. Toward the only person she forgot also knew about her birthday. Someone who’s been acting weird all night. And, if she really thinks about it, someone who’s been acting weird all week.
Sam.
Their eyes meet and Deena is once again looking like she just got slapped so hard in the face that she got a concussion.
She would like to say something but she honestly can’t find anything to say. She just looks at Sam who smiles shyly, making herself so small as if she expects Deena to start yelling at her.
But Deena’s not upset. She can’t be. Not at Sam. Maybe she would have tried to pick a fight with Kate and Simon if it had been them. Just on principle because that’s how they are. But not with Sam. And that thought confuses Deena even more. Because not so long ago she would have gotten upset. Said awful things to her. Something like “Who do you even think you are? We’re not friends. We’re nothing. You’re nothing.”
Just thinking about it makes Deena feel light-headed. Or maybe it’s the alcohol. But whatever it is, it makes Deena realizes that Sam doesn’t deserve such spite. Whatever happened between them, Sam has never been outwardly mean to her. She definitely hurt Deena’s feelings but never on purpose. Deena has known that for a while. She’s probably always known but she has never let herself accept it. Because it’s always been easier to simply be angry. But tonight she turned off her brain. So she stops thinking and shyly smiles back at Sam.
And Sam’s lips stretch wider.
And her eyes shine.
But they don’t talk about it. Not now.
Someone slaps Deena’s back forcefully and she tears her eyes away, her smile disappearing and her eyes hardening as she glares at Ziggy again.
“Ok lovebirds, that’s enough, you’re embarrassing all of us now.”
“That’s no–”
Ziggy simply shushes her and with a snap of her fingers, Alice appears in front of Deena, carrying a birthday cake.
Deena looks down, gaping.
“We thought it was appropriate,” Alice says, smirking.
“That’s–”
Deena finds herself speechless.
She’s looking down at a really corny-looking birthday cake, shaped like a drum – not the entire drum but just one, the bass drum if she had to say – with bloody sticks stuck in the middle. Literally stabbing the instrument.
Thankfully for her sanity and growing level of embarrassment, no pun is written on the cake, simply “Happy Birthday, Deena”, just below the sticks.
Still unable to say anything, she simply shakes her head, smiling.
“I knew you would like the cymbal-ism.”
Deena looks up at Alice.
“Not you too.”
They simply shrug.
“Come on, make a wish.”
Deena looks back down, caught in her head.
She stares at the cake. At the words. Trying to find anything to wish for.
She lifts her head up and sees that her friends are now all gathered around, watching her expectantly. She looks at each of them. They’re all smiling, each of them in their own way. Simon, excitedly. Kate, secretively, eyebrows raised. Ziggy and Sheila, smugly. Cindy, patiently and encouragingly. Heather and Josh, proudly. Alex, Evan, and David, amusedly. And Sam…Sam has her own smile. But not any Sam’s smile. It’s a smile that’s only ever been for Deena. Soft. Proud. Admiring.
Loving.
Deena’s insides twist.
She quickly looks away, feeling a new wave of warmth washing over her.
Her eyes fall back down on the cake and, without thinking, blows out the candles.
They all cheer and Deena smiles.
She didn’t make a wish but it doesn’t really matter to her. Right now she has everything she never even dared to wish for. And that’s enough.
Alice puts the cake down amongst the empty boxes of pizza on the counter and starts cutting it while Sheila goes back to the speakers and music fills out the room.
Deena barely registers Simon yelling “Cake time!” somewhere behind her, before she gets forcefully pushed out of his way as he rushes toward Alice to get the first slice.
“Shouldn’t the first slice be for you?”
Deena turns her head and sees Alex standing next to her, smiling amusedly as she watches Simon trying to snatch the piece that Alice is cutting.
Deena snorts.
“Trust me it’s best to serve him first. It’ll shut him up for 5 minutes.” She watches Alice and Cindy struggling to keep Simon away. “I’ll have mine later.”
Alex only chuckles in response.
“Well if you’ll excuse me I haven't had anything to eat since before the concert and I’m famished.”
She winks at Deena before approaching Alice, waiting for them to stop threatening to cut Simon’s hand if he doesn’t stop trying to get a piece of the cake before she’s finished. Evan and David follow after Alex but not without stopping to wish Deena a quick happy birthday first, before they join the line forming at the counter.
Deena gets lost in her thoughts, standing there, doing nothing but her gaze locked into the distance, a content smile on her lips.
But she’s quickly interrupted by someone entering her line of sight. Deena blinks and rolls her eyes at the sight of Josh stuffing his face with cake. At least he has a fork, unlike Simon who’s biting right into his own slice. He didn’t even bother to take a plate.
“What’s up, D?”
“D?” Deena cringes. “Since when do you call me D?”
“Dunno.” He shrugs, smirking. “Thought I’d try something new.”
Deena rolls her eyes, shoving him in the arm.
“Don’t.”
Josh grins, frosting at the corner of his lips. Deena doesn’t say anything about it. He’ll notice soon enough.
“I missed you.”
Deena raises an eyebrow, surprised by his confession. Not that she’s surprised about the fact that he missed her but more about him admitting it, out loud to her. And it’s said so naturally, as if they never shy away from this kind of show of affection, that Deena can’t help feeling guilty.
“I missed you too.” She looks at him and feels another wave of guilt, almost shame, sending a pang to her heart. “I’m sorry.”
“For what, Deena?”
Deena opens her mouth to answer but the words get caught in her throat. Their brown eyes locked, she sees what he doesn’t say. What he doesn’t need to say because he’s told her before. He’s shown her. Josh doesn’t hold grudges. Josh is comprehensive. Josh is kind. Josh is smart. Josh might be her little brother but not only is he now taller than her but his heart has always been bigger than hers. So she doesn’t have to apologize. Even if she feels like she has to. For not having been able to give him a normal childhood, with a proper family. For leaving him in Shadyside. For not having been there for him as much in the last weeks. For not noticing how much he has changed and still treating him like her annoying 13 years old little brother when he is now 17. He will always be her nerdy little brother but she has to accept that he’s becoming a man. And that he can take care of himself. And she can still worry about him but not throw her life away to be a parent to him. That she doesn’t have to feel guilty about having a life of her own.
Without warning, she flicks him on the nose. He almost drops his plate only just manages to catch it, effectively putting his whole hand right into his slice of cake.
“Hey!”
Deena smirks.
“Sorry, for that.”
Josh huffs, pouting as he puts down his plate on the coffee table and takes a napkin to clean his hand. Deena watches him, chuckling under her breath.
When he cleaned most of the bits of frosting and cake from his fingers, Deena asks, “How’s it at home?”
Josh glances up, his frown smoothing.
“It’s good. Shadyside’s still Shadyside, and Sunnyvale’s…” He shrugs and Deena snorts. It speaks for itself. “Dad got promoted.”
“Really?”
Deena can’t keep the surprise out of her face or voice.
Josh nods. “He quit Mason’s car shop so he could work full-time at the construction company. It’s a lot of work but it’s also a lot more money. They take on a lot of sites in Sunnyvale so, you know,” he trails off. Again, the statement speaks for itself.
“Yeah,” Deena nods absentmindedly.
Silence settles between them and Deena’s eyes drift to the rest of the room where the others have returned to dancing, and drinking and have even started a beer pong game.
Her mind wanders as she gazes at them all.
She doesn’t feel that same feeling that she felt when Josh told her that their dad was finally keeping his shit together and had started to act like a real father to Josh. At the time it was resentment. Disappointment. Even a bit of jealousy. But now, she doesn’t feel any of that. Truth be told, she doesn’t really feel any type of way. It’s not even a kind of numbness created by her mind to protect herself. No. She’s just not affected in any way. Which doesn’t mean she’s entirely forgiven their father, but also doesn’t mean she’s still mad at him. She just thinks she’s coming around to the fact that he is trying. They both know he fucked up. He said it himself. He apologized to Deena already. But she just hadn’t accepted it. She hadn’t even truly acknowledged it. She’d felt like it had been too easy. Saying “sorry” as if it would – could – fix everything. Saying sorry had felt so small. As if putting a single bandaid on the shattered pieces of a broken mirror. It’d felt useless. Saying sorry wouldn’t make up for 10 years of absence and neglect. It wouldn’t make up for everything Deena had had to say goodbye to when he'd forced her to become the adult. No, saying sorry was not enough. Not enough to forgive, or forget. But saying sorry was enough for Deena to hope. Hope that things would change. Hope that he could change and that she would have a stable father again. But hope was a dangerous thing. Especially in Deena’s life. Hope could destroy her. So Deena had chosen anger over hope.
Until today.
Coming to college made her realize that she’d let anger poison her for so long. She’d let it ruin a lot of things in her life. And even if it’s not easy to let go, to get over her habits, she doesn’t want to self-sabotage anymore. Just because shitty things happened to her in the past doesn’t mean that she’s truly cursed. She convinced herself that she was, that the so-called curse existed because it could explain why her life was so shitty. She comforted herself with the idea that she would never be happy. Truly happy. But it was never true. She’s not cursed. And she deserves happiness. And peace. She deserves to feel anything but anger.
She’s starting to accept it.
“He wanted to drive me here you know.” Deena looks back at her brother. “Dad,” he clarifies. “When I told him about the surprise, he said he would drive me. He wanted to book a hotel room in town and then drive us back when the weekend was over.”
Deena tenses. She can’t really help it. She’s coming around to the fact that he’s changing but the idea of seeing him is too much. She needs to mentally prepare herself.
Josh seems to sense her discomfort.
“Don’t worry, he’s not here. I knew it would be…a lot. He knew too. But he still offered to drive me. Just because.” He shrugs. “I don’t think he expected anything. He just wanted to make sure that I would make it here and that you would have a great birthday.”
Deena nods silently. He really is trying. It’s another hand outstretched for her to take.
“Are you?”
“What?”
“Having a great birthday.”
“So far, yes.”
“Good,” he smiles.
Deena smiles back.
“I’m glad you’re here.”
“Me too.” He slightly leans closer to her, smirking. “I hope you know who you have to thank for that.”
Deena almost feels herself flushing and Josh’s smile widens. She shoves him away.
“I know.”
“Make sure to thank her properly.”
Deena rolls her eyes and starts walking away.
“Shut up.”
“Can’t run away forever, D!” He yells after her but she ignores him, opting instead on going over to the table where four people are having a beer pong game.
If Deena’s surprised to see Cindy standing on one of the sides of the table, ball in hand, ready to shoot, she’s even more so when Cindy’s shot makes it into the last cup standing on the other side – Heather and Simon’s side – and she let out a loud celebration scream, throwing herself into Alice’s arms, who’s laughing at their girlfriend reaction.
“And here I thought Ziggy was the true beer pong master,” Heather says, smiling at Cindy.
“Just like you, I’ve been here for a year already. I have some practice.”
Cindy raises her eyebrows, grinning as she takes a random cup still standing on their side of the table and downs it, not without staggering a little.
“How much did she drink?” Deena asks, looking over at Alice.
But instead of getting a response from Alice, Deena watches Cindy, eyes as wide as her smile, jump toward her and slide an arm over her shoulders.
“Probably more than you,” she grabs another cup from the table and thrust it into Deena’s hand. “Drink up, Deena, you have to catch up.”
Skeptical, Deena brings the cup to her nose and sniffs it, trying to decipher what the mysterious liquid is. But the smell alone doesn’t help. It just smells like it’s really strong. And maybe she sobered up a little while talking with Josh but she’s not sure that she wants to test her luck.
“What’s in there?”
Cindy shrugs, pushing the cup up to Deena’s mouth.
“Only one way to find out.”
“You’re a bad influence when you drink, Cindy,” Deena grumbles just before she relents and downs the content of the cup. Cindy cheers and Deena grimaces, the liquid burning her throat. “Fuck, that’s bad.”
Alice pats Deena on the back.
“And it’s about to get worse.” They pull Deena toward the other side of the table, where Simon and Heather are standing. “Simon? Heather? Will you?”
Heather snickers, stepping away.
“Simon can hold his liquor way better than me.”
“What?”
“Yeah!” Simon hops excitedly up and down.
And just like that Deena is dragged into a beer-pong game with the worst player ever (one who would practically miss his shots on purpose just to down every single cup on the table), against two people whose goal is to make sure she doesn’t walk out of here still able to remember her name.
She already feels sick.
***
It’s an hour later, after at least 3 more games that she’s able to take a break not without a few complaints from her partner and opponents. Especially, from Cindy who, surprisingly, forgets any notion of personal space when she drinks. Fortunately for her, Alice, smirking like an asshole, successfully manages to peel her girlfriend off Deena.
“Don’t go too far, Deena, we are not done!”
Deena snorts at Cindy’s call behind her as she’s making her way toward the door, out of the room.
She pulls the door open, stepping into the silent and dark library. She sighs heavily, already feeling better. But she continues to walk. She needs some fresh air. She walks to the main entrance door but when she tries to pull the door open, it doesn’t budge. It’s locked.
“Shit.”
She sighs. She doesn’t have the key on her.
She looks back. She could go back and ask for the key. Say she just needs to take a breather. She could. But she doesn’t trust Ziggy to give her the key so simply. And she’s honestly too tired and tipsy to fight with anyone. So she looks around and settles on taking a walk inside. Amongst the shelves. She snorts internally. It seems like it’s the only thing she ever does since she started college. Roaming around the library. There are worst ways to spend her days, though. It's quiet most of the time and people are mostly always respectful.
And tonight’s no different. The silence is deafening. It could almost be scary. Those high shelves in the dark of the night. Only the sound of her own footsteps and the distant boom boom of the back room where her friends are still blasting music.
She enjoys this moment to herself. This small break where she can breathe and take a moment to just…be. She just needs this moment to herself to be. For someone who’s used to either being alone or surrounded only by her two best friends, today has been really overwhelming.
She starts to feel dizzy again – her 3 beer pong games against Cindy and Alice didn’t help – and decides to sit for a second. She lets herself slide to the floor against a shelf of the English Litterature section. She leans her head back, closing her eyes to fight the nausea away. She stays still for a few minutes. Or maybe just a few seconds. She doesn’t really know. She just knows that she still feels the world spinning around her so she slides further, effectively lowering herself to the floor. She lays there, appreciating the way her body feels suddenly less tensed, her muscles seemingly finally relaxing. She sighs contentedly.
Her notion of time is definitely off but it feels like she’s only been out there for more than three minutes tops, when she hears, in the distance, the door to the back room opening, closing, and then footsteps approaching softly. But Deena doesn’t move. Not only doesn’t she want to, but she also doesn’t care for whoever finds her like that. Maybe they’re not even looking for her. Maybe it’s someone who also needed some fresh air but who, unlike her, thought about getting the key from Ziggy or Heather before leaving. Or maybe it’s someone looking for her and in that case, she’s never living it down. But does it really matter? She’s comfortable right now and–
“Deena?”
Deena opens her eyes. Blinks.
“Hi.”
“What are you doing?”
“Taking a break.”
Above her, Sam chuckles. Deena can’t really make out her face in the dark but she knows her eyes are squinting adorably and her dimples are showing, making her even more adorable.
Oh, God. She’s still very drunk.
She clears her throat.
“What are you doing?”
Sam shrugs.
“Taking a break?” She says, a hint of amusement in her voice. It makes Deena smile. “Can I join you?”
Deena doesn’t reply verbally but instead, moves to the side, making a spot for Sam to come next to her. Without a word, Sam lowers herself to the floor and lies down. They’re close. Their shoulders are brushing with every breath they take. Deena’s aware of their proximity and she feels even warmer.
“It’s nice,” Sam comments. Deena hums. “Not many stars tonight though.”
Deena snorts looking at the high dark ceiling.
“Really? You sure you can see clearly? Because there,” she points her finger up, “it’s definitely Ursa Major. The Great Bear.”
Sam chuckles lightly.
“You’re right, I can totally see it now.” She slowly raises her arm, pointing at an imaginary shape in the imaginary illuminated night sky. “So, I guess this is the Little Bear here, right?”
“Further up.”
Sam moves her finger slightly.
“Here?”
“No,” without thinking, Deena gently closes her fingers around Sam’s wrist, moving it just an inch to point at the exact place where the constellation would be. “Here.”
Deena hears Sam swallowing. She becomes aware of her fingers still wrapped around Sam’s wrist and, ever so slowly, loosens her grasp, letting her own arm fall back to her side, immediately missing the soft skin under her rough fingertips.
Sam nods unconsciously, lowering her arm as silence settles again.
Deena, though still a bit tensed at being so close to Sam in such a vulnerable state, finds the familiarity of it all comforting. And not for the first time, she feels, not like she’s dreaming, but more like she’s remembering. She thinks about the numerous times they spent like this, laying next to each other, in the silence, in the comfort of Deena’s room. In the comfort of each other’s warmth. Doing nothing. Just staring at the ceiling. Reveling in the feeling of having the other by their side. She thinks about how safe she’d felt. How, at the time, everything seemed possible. As if nothing could hurt them. Not anyone outside of their bubble. And especially not anyone inside. Because it was only them and it seemed absurd, impossible, laughable, to imagine that they would hurt each other. And yet…
Yet they did hurt each other.
She wonders if, if they’d never left her room, things would have been different. She wonders if they would have still ended up there, lying on the dirty floor of a college library, staring at the ceiling and pretending to be stargazing. She wonders if they would have ended up here, in this exact position, but in a different situation. Not broken up, trying to pick up the pieces of their… connection, tiptoeing around each other, afraid to say something wrong. She wonders if maybe they would have still found themselves in this same place, lying down next to each other, but after slipping out of the backroom, hand in hand, trying to get a moment alone together, in the privacy of the dark and silent library. She wonders if maybe, eventually, they would have still ended up in this exact situation. If, whatever had been done differently at the time, something else would still have come in their way and they would have ended up here, as Sam and Deena, separated. She wonders if this wasn’t always meant to end up like that.
She wonders.
“Deena?” Her name is whispered as if not to startle her. She hums in reply. “I brought you some cake.”
Deena turns her head. Sam still has her eyes locked on the ceiling.
Deena wonders, distantly, if Sam knows that she didn’t have any cake. She wonders if she watched her. If maybe someone told her. She wonders if that was just an excuse. She wonders.
When Deena doesn’t say anything, too lost in her own mind, Sam turns her head too. It’s dark but they’re so close that, with the little moonlight pouring through the high but small windows at the end of the section, Deena can see Sam’s eyes. For once, neither of them looks away.
“I thought you would be hungry after,” she vaguely gestures to nothing in particular. “everything.”
Deena still doesn’t say anything, just watching – admiring – Sam’s features.
“Do you– Are you?”
“Mmh?”
“Hungry?”
Sam’s voice is still low. It sounds like the softest of melodies to Deena’s ears. She swallows with difficulty, realizing how far her mind is wandering. She feels her stomach tighten and decides that yes, she’s hungry.
“Yeah, kinda.”
Sam nods, smiling, and pushes herself up into a sitting position. Deena watches her cross her legs, her back leaning against the shelf as she pulls a plate with a slice of cake from where it had probably been placed when Sam laid down. Sam pushes the plate toward Deena so she sits cross-legged too, her back to the shelf facing Sam. She takes the plate, puts it on her lap and, with the fork placed next to the cake, she digs in.
Deena’s surprised that it tastes as good as it looked before it got cut. And it seems that it shows on her face because Sam chuckles.
“You like it?”
She nods enthusiastically, taking another eager bite, realizing how hungry she is.
“It’s really good.”
“I almost had to fight Simon to stop him from eating it all.”
Deena snorts at that.
“Can’t say I’m surprised.” She finishes the last of her slice, sighing satisfied as she places the empty plate next to her before refocusing her attention on Sam. “Thank you.”
Sam smiles shyly, her gaze dropping to her hands as she toys nervously with her fingers.
“Couldn’t let you not have any of your own birthday cake.”
She could. She could have. But she didn’t.
“Thank you.”
“Really, it’s nothing.”
“No,” Deena presses. “Thank you for everything. The party. Josh. And yes, also the cake.”
“Oh,” Sam glances up, quickly looking away. Deena can only imagine the red blush creeping down her cheeks. “You’re welcome.”
Deena would like to say more. She doesn’t know why but right now she feels like she has to. Like she needs to.
She opens her mouth but Sam beats her to it.
“I have something else.”
Deena’s mouth snaps shut, only to open itself again. She gazes at Sam, quite frankly, dumbly.
Sam, still not looking at her, picks up something from beside her. Something that Deena didn’t see before. Just like the cake. It feels like Sam keeps on making things appear out of nowhere. Or Deena is not properly paying attention to her surroundings.
Sam hands it to her. Deena gently takes it, still silent, but frowning as she realizes that Sam just gave her a laptop.
“Why are you giving me your laptop?”
Sam smiles amusedly.
“Just open it.”
So Deena does. Slowly. Delicately. She opens it and it lights up but it’s locked and it requires a password. She turns back the screen toward Sam, whose smile turns embarrassed.
“Sorry.” She quickly types it in, her cheeks turning a light shade of pink in embarrassment as Deena smirks. “Here.”
“Thanks.”
Deena turns back the screen toward her. It takes her a few seconds to register what the screen is showing. But when she does realize, she freezes.
It’s a picture.
But not any picture.
She tries to zoom in to make sure that this is what she thinks it is. But when she does, it accidentally changes the picture and she realizes that there are more. And, as she looks at the next, and the next, and all of the pictures that show up after, that they are exactly what she thinks they are.
“It’s–”, she starts but can’t finish her sentence.
She can’t even tear her eyes away from the pictures to look at Sam.
“It’s not perfect,” Sam says. “They’re not even edited yet. I just had the time to transfer them before we came here. And I was supposed to–“
She continues to ramble. Probably trying to explain why she thinks it’s not perfect. Making it seem like it’s not a big deal. But Deena doesn’t listen. She’s just transfixed by the pictures.
The pictures from tonight.
From the concert.
Of the concert.
Of them.
Of her – Deena.
Sam took pictures of the stage. Of the crowd dancing and singing to the music. Of the band. Of Alex, Evan, and David playing at the front. Of Deena drumming in the back.
But Sam did not just snap some pictures on her phone. Deena is sure of that. She can tell that even the latest and best phone couldn’t take this kind of picture. Well she knows that even with the shittest phone Sam could make it work – could get some really beautiful shots – but Deena also knows that Sam would rather use a real camera.
That’s what makes her look up and finally meet Sam’s eyes.
“What camera did you use?”
Deena realizes that she must have cut Sam off in her rambling because Sam’s mouth hangs open as if she was just mid-sentence when Deena asked her question.
“What do you mean?”
“I thought yours got– was broken.”
Deena doesn’t say how. She doesn’t say who broke it. Nor does she say when and why. But then both know. They both remember how Sam’s mom took away the only valuable item she truly cared about in response to learning about their relationship.
“It is,” Sam slowly nods. “Cindy works for the college newspaper and she called in a favor from them.” She shrugs, a crooked smile on her lips. “They were already going to be at the concert taking some shots so when I told them that I wanted to take pictures of the whole thing they agreed to lend me a camera for tonight.”
Deena nods, unable to say anything more to that. She looks back at the screen, admiring the pictures.
“I have to edit them but then I thought I could print them so that you can put them here.”
Deena glances at Sam as she hands her something else. Deena takes it. It’s a photo album. It’s–
“–empty for now but I know you like physical copies of things so…” Sam trails off, shrugging again, seemingly embarrassed.
Deena understands her awkwardness. She understands because she knows Sam. And also because she can feel it too. But not for the same reason. Or partly.
Deena feels awkward because it’s perfect. What Sam did for her – what Sam offered – is perfect. And she feels weirdly emotional. And Deena doesn’t deal well with emotions. Especially when the source – the reason why she feels these emotions – is her ex-girlfriend.
It might be what they used to do for each other but they’re not supposed to do that anymore.
It blurs the line. The line that Deena forced herself to draw. The line that Deena tried so hard to stay away from. The line that Sam is stepping, shamelessly upon. Over and over again. Slowly but surely erasing it.
But today, with this, Deena can’t find it in herself to push Sam back to her side of the line. Even though Sam definitely crossed it with this gift. With the surprise. With all of it.
But it’s also hard to say all of that when she feels torn. So the only way for her to soothe Sam’s growing embarrassment and incertitude without crossing the line herself, is to ask questions. Show that she’s touched by the attention.
“How did you manage to have these?”
“What do you mean?”
Deena turns the screen toward her, showing one particular shot that shows Deena drumming, taken seemingly from one side of the stage. But it seems so close. Almost as if Sam went on stage to take it. And Deena knows that she was not entirely focused on her surroundings during the concert but still, she’s practically sure that no one went on stage.
“It’s so close. Where were you?”
Sam chuckles.
“I was in the crowd, almost all the way up front but not at the barrier exactly. I didn’t want to be too obvious so I stayed between everyone else. It wasn’t the best idea and definitely not the easiest setup but I couldn’t risk you seeing me.” She looks at Deena, almost studying her face as if making sure she in fact didn’t see her. Deena could almost laugh. She was so lost in her thoughts during their performance that obviously she didn’t notice. Relieved, Sam continues, “But it was a good thing the camera had a great lens. I was surprised to be able to zoom in that much.” She smiles, looking back at the picture. “It’s my favorite one.”
Gulping Deena offers a crooked smile, turning back the screen to her.
“Yeah, it turned out great.” She glances up. “They’re all great.”
Sam’s shy smile turns into a full-on dimpled grin. Her eyes are even squinting and Deena wishes she had a camera and Sam’s photographic skills to take a picture right now. And maybe frame it.
“I thought you would like to remember that day. And see how it looked from an outside perspective. How I– we see you.” Sam’s smile falters as she catches herself. “It was an amazing concert.” Her eyes fall down to her lap. “You were amazing,” she so much as whispers.
Deena feels the urge to get out of there. Run out of the library. Or just disappear between the shelves. Let herself get swallowed by the books. By the dark.
But she can’t. And even if she could, it would not be fair to Sam.
Sam, who proved, once again, that she’s a better person than Deena. Because she did all of that without expecting anything in return. The Deena from a month ago wouldn’t have believed that – that Sam did what she did tonight selflessly – but deep down, she would have known. Just like Deena knows right now that Sam just wanted to make her happy. That’s all she’s ever wanted. For Deena to be happy. Feel worthy. Cared for. Loved.
That word again.
Deena shakes herself out of her fuzzy alcohol-induced brain. Though she’s not as drunk as she was when she left the backroom. She still feels a bit nauseous but she’s not entirely sure it’s due to the alcohol she consumed. But she pretends that it is. It’s easier.
“Thank you,” she rasps, mouth dry. “For tonight. It’s been…” Surreal. Unforgettable. Perfect. More than what I deserve. “Amazing.”
Deena huffs inwardly. She would have wanted to find a better word. Find a better way to show her gratitude but she’s not sure that she can. Not right now.
But Sam doesn’t seem bothered because she smiles brightly again. Deena notices her lips twitching as if she’s trying to tamper it down but without real success, because her smile doesn’t just illuminate her whole face but also, it seems, light up the whole place. Or maybe if Deena feels blinded by it it’s because she’s overcome by the urge to close her eyes to stop staring at Sam’s mouth and keep her heartbeat under control.
“I’m glad you had a good time so far.”
Deena frowns finally casting her eyes away from Sam’s lips. If Sam noticed, she doesn’t show it.
“ ‘So far’ ? You got something else planned? If you do, tell me now, because I think I had enough surprises for the rest of the year.”
Sam laughs.
“No, no more surprises. But you heard Ziggy, the night isn’t over unless she says so.”
Deena snorts, closing the laptop still on her knees and putting it on the floor next to her.
“She’s exhausting. Even more than Simon.”
“You’re telling me,” Sam huffs. “She almost turned this into a frat party.”
“Wouldn’t expect less from her,” Deena shakes her head. “How did you convince her not to?”
“Threats.”
Deena tilts her head to the side in surprise.
“You threatened her and it worked?”
Sam lifts her eyebrow, crossing her arms over her chest.
“Why are you so surprised?”
“I mean, if she’s not even afraid of me or Kate, so I’m surprised she would find you scary.”
Sam nudges her in the leg with her foot, feigning to be offended but she smiles.
“I can be really scary.” Deena scoffs at that. “But for this, I had some help. From Heather, Alice, and Cindy.”
“Yeah, I thought so.”
Sam rolls her eyes.
“It was still my idea.” Deena hums almost indifferently. Sam nudges her again, this time with a bit more force. “Asshole.”
Deena smirks.
“Don’t be rude to me. It’s my birthday.”
“Now, you’re pulling the birthday card. That’s convenient.”
Sam shakes her head as Deena shrugs, smiling.
“I never use it so, might as well do it for once.”
“Enjoy it while it lasts.”
“I will.”
Deena smiles and Sam does too. They stare at each other without looking away. Distractedly, Sam is moving her leg to an imaginary rhythm, unaware of the fact that with every movement she is bumping into Deena’s leg with her foot. But Deena doesn’t say anything. She pretends she doesn’t notice either but secretively appreciates the contact and doesn’t want it to stop.
It doesn’t bother her. It doesn’t hurt. Tonight it seems that nothing does. It’s like, tonight, the time froze and she’s not in the present anymore. She’s not in the past or in the future either. She exists somewhere in between. Somewhere outside. Apart. Further.
Tonight she’s in her own bubble and as Sam said, she’s going to enjoy it while it lasts.
So she stays there, with Sam. They stay in the silent and dark library for a long time. They talk. They laugh. They playfully banter. It’s not really serious. It’s just a moment in time. Out of time. And she doesn’t care that at the other end of where they are, in the back room, everyone has noticed that they disappeared. She’s unaware of Ziggy asking everyone else if they think that they – Deena and Sam – are finally acting on this sexual tension. She couldn’t care less about them taking bets on the matter. Deena isn’t even fazed when, after an hour spent together, Sam, reluctantly, stands up, and says that they should go back.
No, Deena just enjoys the moment. She enjoys the rest of the night. Going back to playing beer pong. Going back to dancing. Going back to being teased. She enjoys the rest of the gifts that her friends offer her. She enjoys the half hugs she gets. She enjoys the buzz she feels. She enjoys the secret glances she shares with Sam throughout the night. She enjoys watching her brother get drunk and trying to flirt with Ziggy who shamelessly rejects him, and sends an unmistakable flirty look at Kate while she pats Josh on the back.
Deena enjoys every second of her night to the very last moment. She’s still enjoying it as they say their goodbyes to Alex, David and Evan. She’s still enjoying it as they leave, making their way to their building. She’s still enjoying it as they part ways first with Simon and Josh who make their way toward Simon’s dorm, and then with Heather, Sam, Sheila, and Ziggy. She’s still enjoying it as they finally reach her dorm with Kate, Alice, and Cindy. She’s still enjoying it as she collapses on her bed, ready to pass out, still smiling. She’s still enjoying it as she feels her phone buzzing in her pocket. She’s still enjoying it as she unlocks her phone and sees a text from her dad, wishing her a happy birthday on his way to work. She’s still enjoying it as she shoots him a thank-you text.
She enjoys every second. And if she enjoys it, it’s because of Sam. So, still in this bubble, she sends another text. To Sam this time.
Deena [4:07 am]: thank you sam
Deena [4:07 am]: good night
Deena falls asleep almost immediately after that, with second chances on her mind.