Chapter Text
2012
March 28th
28 March 2012 04:34 AM Anna’s heart fails and Doug performs an emergency cesarean on her. She’s 26 ½ weeks into her pregnancy. Srebro weighs 0.79 kilograms when he’s put in the incubator. He’s hooked up to drips and all manner of apparatus to help keep him alive. Doug doesn’t have high hopes. Nevertheless he calls Mikey.
Mikey is made to wash and put on protective clothing and a face mask before he’s allowed to enter the room. His heart is beating madly. Doug is standing by the incubator, looking down on it with a forlorn expression. He looks up with glossy eyes when Mikey comes in. It scares him.
“Is he dead?”
Doug shakes his head. “No,” he answers and rubs his eyes with a hand. “I’m just being… would you believe me if I say this...” he gestures at his eyes, “...is because I hate to fail, and I anticipate that I will?”
Mikey’s lips curve upward in a fond and relieved little smile under the mask. “No. It’s okay. Can I approach? I’ve been scrubbed up to high heavens.”
Doug waves for him to approach and looks down on the baby again. “I’m a bit out of my depth here, so I’ve flown in a team of specialists. This isn’t exactly virology or standard surgery. His vitals are surprisingly good, but even if he does survive there’s no telling yet if he’s been, no, how badly he’s been damaged by his rough start. For now, all we can do is try keeping him alive.”
Mikey walks up to Doug and looks down on the baby inside the incubator. Breathing seems like an insurmountable task for several moments.
Tiny.
So fucking perfect and tiny!
“Holy shit, he’s tiny!”
That’s Lexi’s son.
I’m sorry Lex.
“Yes. He doesn’t even weigh a kilo yet. His internal organs haven’t finished forming.” Doug looks at Mikey. “You can touch him if you want.”
“That won’t hurt him? I won’t fuck anything up if I do?”
Doug shakes his head. “No. I think it’d be good for him. Normally he’d be surrounded by human warmth for another sixteen weeks. I can only think of how I feel if I go without being touched for more than three months, and I’m not at a stage where I’m developing like Sreb is.”
“Can’t you find a host to put him in?” Mikey can’t believe his hand isn’t shaking as he slowly, reverently, sticks his hand into one of the holes in the side of the incubator. He very gently strokes the tiny, tiny hand. Srebro is so thin…
Doug chuckles. “If we just wanted to experiment with removing one baby from a mother’s womb and attach another, sure. But that might kill him even if the operation didn’t. If the surrogate mother’s body rejected him… he stands a better chance like this. I don’t want to experiment with Aleksandr’s son.”
Tiny digits on an equally tiny and closes around his finger.
The Earth stops turning.
THUMPTHUMPTHUMPTHUMP
My cheeks are wet. Why are my cheeks wet? “Fuck.”
“I know. Me too. Don’t tell them, Mikey. Not Otac, not the rest of our браћа. Please, Mikey?” Doug’s eyes are pleading above the mask.
“I won’t. If anyone asks, Sreb is just one of your projects, right?”
“Right.”
“Can I… can I be alone with him for a while?”
“Sure. I need to eat something and boost my caffeine levels anyway. Wait…” Doug gets a chair and puts it beside the incubator for him, then gives him a kiss on the cheek. “There. Come get me in my office when you’re done.”
Mikey nuzzles his shoulder briefly. “Thanks,” he says before carefully sitting down without dislodging Srebro’s grip on his finger.
The door closes behind Doug and he’s left alone with Sreb. He carefully inserts his other hand into the incubator through the other hole in the side, and places it gently over Sreb’s back. His hand almost engulfs the whole boy, who moves a little at the touch, making his heart flutter.
“Hi…”
Sreb’s arms are barely thicker than his fingers.
“I’m Michael.”
Great. I’m talking to a fetus.
I talk to ghosts too. What’s the fucking difference?
“I know your father. He’d love you more than anything in the whole wide world, if he knew you were alive.”
Don’t die, little one.
“He’s a fighter. They call him ‘the Immortal’. Can you try be like him, little one? Please, for me? Hold on to life like nothing else. Me and my brother Doug will do everything in our power to help you, but you’ve got to be a fighter like your dad, okay?”
I wonder if he ever thinks of me. I didn’t think he’d get so angry for being sent away. I wonder if he knows how badly I’m aching for his return.
“You want me to tell you about your dad, Srebro? In a roundabout way, you’re named after him.”
You won’t be able to pronounce your name for quite some time. Most of my мали браћа couldn’t say ‘R’ when they were little. You’d probably say Sjebbjo Ajjent when you introduce yourself, not getting why everyone laughs at you when you do. They won’t laugh at you, they’ll laugh because it’s adorable and you make them happy.
Please, survive so you can fail to pronounce your name, little one.
“I’m going to call you Seb, okay? You’ll be able to say that,” he tells the little boy, carefully stroking his side with the thumb of the hand resting over him.
Seb moves a leg in response.
“Your name is Srebro Argent. Srebro means silver in a lot of languages―Serbian, Croatian, Macedonian, Bosnian. My family comes from Belgrade in Serbia originally, but now we’re spread all over the world. We’re very powerful. Your father works for us….”
Maybe it’s a bit too soon to explain to Seb what the Porodica is.
It’s not like he’ll understand any of it.
“Anyway, Srebro means silver, and Argent means silver too, but in French. Your dad’s hair is silver, so is his eyes. That’s how you got your name.”
Like he’d understand the concept of languages and countries at this age. Get a grip.
No! I want to talk to him, I’m fucking well going to talk to him!
“Your father is a great warrior, Seb. He’s really tall and strong. He’s fast and agile. And he’s smart. He’s very smart. But that’s not the best part of him… I think the best part of him, is how much he cares. How he’s remained soft and open hearted when life, we, have tried to hammer it out of him.”
Sometimes, when I lay in bed beside him, he’d grab a hold of my hair in his sleep. I don’t think he was aware he was doing it. He wound my hair around his fingers in a firm grip, sighing contentedly. I’d fall asleep within minutes. His grip preventing me from drifting off to bad places.
I miss your dad so fucking much, little one. I live in that bad place almost 24/7 since he went away.
“He’s a so called Croatoan. You could say they’re our family’s knights. He’s one of the most powerful knights we have. We created a new rank just so we could honour him… That’s not strictly true, but not a lie either. It’s complicated.”
Mikey makes a wry face. The ‘A-list’ had been up for discussion for two years, only getting it’s name the day Mikey agreed to send Aleksandr to South America. Before it’s only been referred to as the What-to-do-about-those-damned-rogue-croats project, and was something all the божја браћа were involved in. It’s a serious problem. Even Luci had gone to Acapulco last year in April to chase down a rogue. And the fuckers are seemingly impossible to take alive.
Mikey, despite his emotional state when the event took place, remembers very well what Lexi told him when he patched Mikey up after they made love the first time.
Correction. I made love to him. He just bent to my will in fear.
...It is very bad for us Croatoans. Bad enough I considered asking for retirement after the visit to the Heart. When you guys start fighting internally, and I think you will, you’ll ask us to attack your brothers and all the sudden the whole system will collapse in on itself. We will no longer know where our loyalty lies or the loyalty of our colleagues…
It very neatly summed up why the most trusted croats would suddenly go rogue, fleeing the ship like rats. They were afraid.
Mikey hadn’t told his brothers anything Lexi had said while talking off the records. He’d had to keep up appearance. Nobody knew who’d sold out Leo. That meant anyone of them might get suspicious and report it to Otac. If Mikey’s feelings for Lex got known… Lex death would be drawn out and horrible, and he’d have to watch it happen. That he himself would most likely get the same treatment didn’t scare him half as much.
When they’d discussed the matter of an Internal Affairs division they’d all put forth names of croats they trusted the most. Not all of his brothers liked Lexi, but every single one of them had mentioned him. There were other names put forth too, of course. They looked for special skills. An ability to be liked, to fit in. Rank was of lesser importance. The last year more and more croats had been interviewed and given the assignment alongside their normal duties. This time the fear and respect the божја браћа held amongst croats worked to their disadvantage. Even the IA croats were reluctant to report, in fear of angering the божја браћа with their findings.
Aleksandr had been kept out of it. Mikey had been able to keep him at his side despite requests from his brothers on every continent. It’s was an easy argument. He and Luci had one croat to guard them. One.
Saul’s proposal that they’d create a rank of true power for croats to aspire to, came from to the info they did get from the IAs. Some браћа opposed it, saying it’d make croats forget their place. Saul argued that the IAs would be less reluctant to report if they thought it may bring them power rather than punishment. It was agreed upon. The choice who to choose to elevate to the status of a general had stood between Aleksandr and a croat named Morgan Mohaine. The problem with Mohaine was that he’d gotten a stationary command in Africa and thus―while all the браћа had heard of him―he wasn’t widely known amongst his peers outside of Africa. So they needed to choose someone considered a legend amongst the croats. Once again, Aleksandr was mentioned.
Mikey knows Lexi likes power. He deserves it. If anyone deserves to wield power almost like an equal to them, it’s Lexi. He can handle it. He knows what needs to be done. He’s experienced enough, and Mikey wants to give him everything. Still he’d said no. The discussions came to a standstill since they couldn’t agree on someone else to start out with.
“You’ve got to survive, Seb. It’s an order, little one. I had to give up something very important to me for you to live. If not for you, your dad would still be here. He’d gone with me to my new location and gotten his new rank once I’d transferred. It wouldn't even seemed out of place if we were seen hanging out, since that’s part of his new job. We’re supposed to act somewhat familiar and relaxed with him now he’s a general.”
Mikey feels a bit stupid. The baby wouldn’t know what he’s talking about, couldn’t have followed his internal thought process. But then again, his voice is just noise to Seb anyway.
“When I was a kid, your dad was my hero in so many ways. He’s the only one outside the family I’ve really looked up to. Except Wayne Gretzky, but he doesn’t count, since that’s only about hockey.” Mikey smiles to himself. “I tried to tell him that without actually saying it, comparing him to Captain America. My brothers saw it as a joke. According to my brother Tyler, your dad was a pissbaby about it, so I guess the message passed him by too. Maybe for the best…. All things considered.”
Why were you so mad about being sent away, Lex?
He hadn’t anticipated that. He’d been too caught up in fretting about losing Lex. But by the initial look on Lexi’s face when he was told…
“I’ve tried to kill your dad, you know? He was unfazed or possibly annoyed when I did that. Your old man’s got ice in his veins. But when I told him he had to leave… For a moment he had the same facial expression as people who don’t expect it get when you stab them in the gut. He got to his feet. He was agitated, no. More upset and desperate. He begged me not to send him away. Begged. It may not sound like much to you, little Srebro, but you got to know this about your dad, he doesn’t beg. Sure, he gets pissy sometimes, but he obeys without question. Like, like when he was younger. He worked the trafficking gig. He hates it, yet he obeyed. You give him an order he’s averse to, he’ll still carry it out. It dims his light down though… Normally he shines brightly. You should see him…” Mikey’s wistful smile is exchanged for a troubled frown. “But this time, when I told him, he just… once he realized I wouldn’t change my mind, it was like his light… it didn’t dim down, it cut out completely. He went completely dark. I'd never expected him to react like that. It was hard…”
I'm sorry, Lex. I really am. But you went to bigger, better things. You’re safe. Your son might live. And you get the highest honour we’ve ever bestowed a Croatoan.
I wish you were here.
We should have been here together.
Just look at your son, Lex! He’s a little miracle.
You wouldn’t leave his side if you did. I know.
I’m going to have to pay for keeping him from you, won’t I?
“You’re goddam right, you will.” Mal’s voice startles him. His heart starts hammering faster and he turns his head to see his dead older brother (not older anymore. He died at 22) peek curiously over his shoulder.
“Go away, Mal.”
“No, no. Let’s discuss this, shall we?”
Nothing to discuss. You wanted me to pull the plug on Anna, I didn’t. End of story. Now fuck off.
Mal smirks. “You got my motive all wrong, мали брат. I wanted what was best for you. And that was him dying before you bonded with him. Look at you, you’re already more in love with him than with the croat. And if your croat finds out about him, he is going to be pissed. You think he’ll forgive you? Hardly. I’m actually rooting for Seb to make it. It’ll make things interesting. You won’t need to fear us or Otac. It’s his punishment you’ll have to fear. You and Doug are in soo much trouble,” Mal says in malicious glee.
He won’t hurt me.
“You think he won’t? He called for a wipeout because someone shot you. And you’re not even family. You don’t mean anything to him. He just does his duty and obey because he has too. He doesn’t really care for you. Not really. But this is his son. He won’t be merciful.”
He cares. He cried when he thought I was dying.
Mal rolls his eyes. “He’s an actor. You saw him with Anna, controlling her emotions with a joystick. You can’t honestly believe he wasn’t doing the same to you?”
No. No. No. NoNONONO! Go away!
He carefully removes one hand from the incubator and then swipes it through his brother, meeting no resistance. Then he’s alone again. Mal’s dead. He isn’t real.
I don’t care if he was just faking his affection. I DON’T CARE!
He’s a croat. He exist to fulfil my needs and he did. I don’t need him to like it.
“Your daddy likes me,” he tells the baby decisively, trying to undo the bad feeling Mal left.
Doubt.
Truth to be told, he hadn’t worried all that much about what Lexi thought of him until after he’d been sent away. Lexi said he cared, so he did. Croatoans don’t lie to a брат.
But maybe…
No. Doesn’t matter. Leave it.
It’s for the best.
I tried to kill him.
I wasn’t thinking clearly. I should have just sent him away the moment after I’d gone to bed with him.
“You just focus on forming organs, little one. Don’t mind me.”
There’s a knock on the door and a nurse opens the door. “Hello. I’m nurse Catherine Markham. I belong to the neonatology team Dr. Mabduw hired to take care of your son. You are the father, correct?”
“Yes. Will he survive?”
Her eyes crinkle above the mask, showing that she’s smiling. “It’s too early to tell, Sir. But we’ll do our best. I just wanted to introduce myself, as we’ll be seeing a lot of each other if all goes well. I’ll leave you alone with your son again now.”
“Thank you.”
Srebro spends 95 days in the hospital and has to undergo two surgeries. Michael comes by every single one of those days to sit with him. He and Doug agrees that Seb needs to be adopted by someone, where they can keep an eye on him. Doug informs him he’s found someone. A single father that’s a doctor and has a daughter. Seb will grow up with a sibling and with a rich father that has the knowledge to handle any possible disabilities or medical problems Seb might turn out to have. Doug says maybe it’s for the best if Mikey doesn’t know what family it is. He’s right and they both know it. Mal’s standing closeby laughing his ass off at Mikey, but Doug doesn’t see it.
Mikey doesn’t even bother trying to hide his tears when he holds Seb for the last time, before Doug takes him away and leaves twin towns with him. And then, there’s two gaping holes in his heart, both caused by having feelings he shouldn’t have for a croat. If he hadn’t cared so much for Aleksandr, Seb would never had been born.
There’s four names on his list of forbidden loves now. Bella, Sam, Lexi, and Seb. He’s a failure as a бог брат. The voices agree. Luci still won’t talk to him except for to fight. It’s not a great comfort that Leo and Mal appears much more often―they never have nice things to say to him. Reality keeps slipping. He cries far more than a бог брат should. Otac would not approve.