Chapter Text
Jule had never been good at letting go.
When he was a child, his mom once bought him one of those blinking, flashing toys that spun in the air on vacation. Jule had whined the entire holiday until his mom finally gave him the ten euros, and he could go to one of the beach vendors who had spread out those shimmering things on their towels.
After the holidays, it didn't last long. Whether it was the cheap battery or the fact that it had flown into a wall too many times, Jule didn't know. But instead of throwing it away, he put it broken on his shelf, where it got a permanent spot. Maybe it would work again one day, or maybe he'd find a new use for it.
Until the day he came home and his mom had tidied his room and thrown it away in the process.
He had cried and hadn't even come out of his room for dinner. Of course, five-year-old Jule had recovered quickly. His mom had apologized to him at breakfast, promised never to throw anything of his away again without asking first, and given him a kiss on the forehead. Then everything was okay again.
But still, Jule had never forgotten it. He just wasn't good at letting things go—even when he probably should.
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Right now, the memory resurfaced, and he had to suppress a bitter laugh. He checked once more that he had packed Kai's gift, squeezed his suitcase to close the zipper. He wondered how much longer he could hold on. Whether Kai would finally make the decision for him on this visit.
Like during his last winter breaks, he was flying to London to spend his free time with Kai. He still found it mean that the Premier League didn't have a winter break; couldn't he even have his boyfriend to himself over the holidays?
Yesterday had been the last matchday for him, and it had even gone relatively well. He had scored a goal, not that it was a particularly great achievement against Mönchengladbach this season.
The airport was completely overcrowded just before Christmas. Jule was glad he had hidden his hair under a beanie and that a huge scarf covered half his face, so that absolutely no one recognized him.
The flight to London was uneventful, but for Jule, it still felt anything but fast. All he could think about was that these might be the last hours he could call himself Kai's boyfriend.
Kai had been acting strange for the past few weeks. When they talked on the phone, he sometimes broke off mid-sentence and then suddenly started talking about something completely different.
Their last meeting had also felt odd—Kai had repeatedly turned his phone off almost panicked whenever Jule might have seen the screen. And he had talked with Jannis about something until late into the night, insisting Jule go to bed early.
Since then, Jannis gave him those strange looks every time they saw each other. Looks that lingered a bit too long, as if Jannis knew something Jule himself didn't dare to voice yet.
Jule almost wished Kai and his brothers simply didn't like each other.
And Jule wasn't stupid. He knew Kai was hiding something from him. Whether it was simply the fact that he no longer wanted to be with Jule, or if he had a new relationship, Jule didn't know. But he couldn't really blame Kai for it. Their situation had changed so much since they got together. Back then, Jule had been just in his early twenties and Kai not even that, and they had been constantly together. Now they didn't even live in the same country anymore, and Kai and he could hardly be compared.
Perhaps Jule should have known long ago that it wouldn't last forever. Back when Kai transferred to Chelsea.
But Jule had wanted to believe so desperately that they could make it work.
And he had believed it, especially on the evening before Kai's departure, when he had given him the necklace with the K charm. Jule had believed in it more than anything else.
He didn't even know why Kai still pretended to look forward to Jule visiting him.
Maybe Kai simply wanted to show him the respect of telling him to his face that it was over between them.
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At the airport, Kai was already waiting for him and beamed when he spotted Jule. He quickly walked the few steps towards him and pulled him into a hug. When they broke apart after a few seconds, Kai looked at him with those sweet green eyes that Jule loved so much.
"I missed you so much, Jule," he whispered before bending down and pressing his lips to Jule's.
Jule sighed into the kiss. Fuck. Why did this still feel so good?
Kai pulled away, only to take the suitcase and heave it into the car.
Jule got into the passenger seat, leaned his head against the cool window, and looked out at the passing city, at the kitschy lights flickering everywhere, while Kai navigated the streets with concentration.
He wondered how he had missed the moment when everything fell apart.
"You're so quiet today," Kai remarked as they got out.
"Just a bit tired," Jule lied, avoiding looking at Kai.
Kai looked at him with concern. "Do you want to lie down?"
"Nah, I'm fine," Jule smiled weakly.
Balou, Summer, and Pooch greeted them with great enthusiasm, and Jule couldn't help but immediately sit down on the floor with them and cuddle them properly. Just as he gave Balou a big kiss on the forehead, he noticed Kai watching the scene with a gentle gaze.
Jule raised an eyebrow. "What?"
"Nothing." Kai shook his head, then put on a mock-offended expression. "I'm just wondering why they get such a warmer welcome than your boyfriend."
Jule laughed, but stood up and went over to him. He wrapped his arms around Kai and gave him a kiss on the tip of his nose, then on both cheeks, and finally down to his strong jawline, which he kissed along.
Kai had long since put his arms around Jule's waist and pulled him closer. "Jule," he complained softly.
But Jule wouldn't be deterred and just smiled slightly.
Kai placed a hand in Jule's hair and pulled his head back a bit until he could kiss him properly. Jule leaned into the kiss completely, almost as if he could somehow convince Kai that he was still good enough. But before it could deepen too much, Kai pulled away again.
"Ugh, I don't feel like playing tonight. I just want to be here with you all day," Kai grumbled.
"But then I won't get to see you play in the stadium again. And after that, you'll have a few days off that you can spend with me," Jule placated him.
"After your game yesterday, I have to deliver now, otherwise it'll be embarrassing for me," Kai whined.
"Lucky for you, I date losers too," Jule teased him, to which Kai poked him in the side.
"Just you wait," Kai grinned and took his hand. "I'll score a goal for you later."
Jule rolled his eyes but felt his ears getting hot.
He should probably just enjoy this while he still could.
Kai probably wanted to concentrate on tonight's game first and would ask Jule for a quiet talk tomorrow, or on one of his few days off.
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Later, Jule sat among the other players' partners, family members, and various VIPs who probably had no idea about football. He yawned; 9 PM kickoff was just too late.
The players weren't on the field yet, but the stadium was already full. Many spectators were getting a beer, talking to their neighbors, or craning their necks to catch a glimpse of the players' tunnel. The screens switched from player presentations to live shots of the crowd.
Jule saw himself on the big screens and waved in the direction he hoped the camera was. He could practically hear the TV commentators, who had surely already come up with some quip.
The Arsenal scarf, which Kai had persuaded him to wear, was clearly visible around his neck. Perhaps Jule hadn't resisted it that much.
Kai had always liked it when he could openly show that Jule was his boyfriend. And Jule had always made fun of him, teasing him about being so jealous. Inwardly, he had secretly liked it somehow.
If it had been summer, he would probably be wearing the number 29 jersey now, but London in December had just crappy weather.
Fortunately, the players then finally came onto the field.
Kai wasn't in the starting lineup today, but it was still a good game. Gyökeres converted a penalty in the first half, which Jule, along with the Gunners, cheered heartily.
It was a bit strange for Jule to watch a game live in the stadium without being on the bench himself, but in a good way.
He was happy when Kai was substituted in shortly after halftime, after Gyökeres received a yellow card. And when Kai elegantly dribbled past the defense shortly after the 80th minute and cleanly placed the ball into the top left corner, Jule jumped up and cheered with the rest of the fans.
Kai ran past the stands, past his teammates, and blew a kiss towards the tribune where Jule was sitting, before celebrating with them.
Out of the corner of his eye, Jule noticed he was back on the screen, but he only had eyes for Kai, who, as always, magnetically drew everyone's attention.
As he sank back into his seat, the woman next to him, someone's girlfriend, he really had no idea whose, leaned over to him.
"That was so adorable. He must be so down bad for you."
Jule felt his heart clench. She meant well, surely, but it only reminded him of how strangely Kai had been acting lately. That this might be the last time he could cheer him on like this.
He forced himself into a weak smile. "Thank you."
Then he turned back to the game, but nothing that was happening on the field truly interested him anymore. He would have preferred to just get up and hide somewhere in a corner to cry. But that would be too suspicuous, and he really didn't want the media to spin a story out of it.
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It felt almost like a relief when the referee blew the whistle and Jule could leave the stands. The Arsenal players were still on the field celebrating their 2-0 win, but Jule got up immediately and walked out.
Outside the stadium, he took a few deep breaths, but the tightness in his chest remained. He saw the entrance for staff and purposefully walked towards it. The security guard let him through to the player area without any problems.
He walked through the still-empty locker room to the players' tunnel. He hadn't consciously decided to come here; it was as if his legs had carried him here on their own.
Outside, some players were giving interviews, while others were still talking to fans. Jule leaned against the wall so he couldn't be seen from the outside and just waited.
Soon, the first players came back. Saliba and Saka waved to him, then exchanged a bewildered glance when they noticed his gloomy expression.
Then Kai finally entered the tunnel. Martin had an arm around him, said something to him, before he noticed Julian and nudged Kai lightly.
Kai looked up, spotted Jule, and his face immediately lit up. He broke away from Martin and walked the few steps towards him.
"Did you see that? I told you I'd score a goal for you."
He looked so happy that Jule's throat immediately tightened, and tears welled up in his eyes.
"Why?" he managed to choke out.
Kai frowned. "Julchen, what's wrong?" He raised a hand and gently placed it on Jule's cheek.
Jule wanted to be angry. Wanted to push him away, yell at him. But Kai's closeness felt too good. So instead, he leaned into his touch. He hated himself for it a little bit.
Jule took a shaky breath. "Why are you doing this to me?"
"What?" Kai looked at him completely bewildered, gently wiping away the tears that were now running down Jule's cheeks. "Jule, I really have no idea what you're talking about."
Jule gathered all his courage and looked him directly in the eyes.
"I know you don't feel the same way about me anymore."
Kai opened his mouth, but Jule continued before he could interrupt him.
"And that's okay. Really. Maybe our lives are just too different now. And I'll be happy if you've found someone you're happy with." His voice broke. "But it's not fair that you're acting like nothing's wrong. That you're still giving me hope."
For a moment, Kai said nothing. He just looked at him completely confused.
Then he suddenly pulled Jule tightly into his arms, so tightly that Jule briefly lost his breath.
"I'm sorry," he mumbled into Jule's hair. "Fuck, Jule, I'm so sorry."
That they were actually talking about it now, and that Kai wasn't even trying to justify himself but just holding him, was too much for Jule.
He gave up on trying to stay calm and let the tears flow freely. He buried his face in his boyfriend's shoulder and sobbed. Kai stroked his back with trembling hands, drawing erratic circles that seemed more desperate than comforting.
"Please let me make this right," Kai whispered. "Just tell me what you want, okay? Please... I can't watch you cry."
Jule jerked his head back abruptly. "What?"
"I'm sorry," Kai repeated hastily. "I have no idea what I did to make you think that, but I obviously messed up completely. But please... let me try to make it right. You deserve someone who makes you happy. And please give me the chance to be that person again. I understand if I can't anymore, but I—" He swallowed audibly. "I don't know what I'll do without you."
Jule stared at him, completely overwhelmed.
"But... you... this..." He ran a hand through his face. "You've been so weird lately. And Jannis always looks at me like that when we talk about you."
Kai just blinked at him for a few seconds.
And then, out of nowhere, he started to laugh.
Breathless and almost hysterical.
"Oh my god..."
He leaned his forehead against Jule's, took his face in both hands, and gently wiped the tears from his cheeks.
"Fuck, Jule... I was just— well..." He paused briefly, shaking his head as if he needed to collect himself. "I wanted to ask you if you would marry me."
For a few seconds, it was completely silent in the players' tunnel, apart from the muffled sounds from outside.
"Seriously?" Jule managed to say. It felt like he was falling downwards in free fall.
"Yes." Kai laughed softly, still a little out of breath. "I wanted to plan it properly. With a location and a ring and everything. And I asked Jannis because I thought it would be cool if he could take photos..." He looked away briefly, embarrassed.
Jule immediately pulled him back and kissed him passionately.
"Sounds perfect," he whispered against his lips.
Kai snorted softly. "It was supposed to be. Didn't work out too great."
Jule grimaced. "I'm sorry I ruined it. I'm just so stupid."
"Maybe a little," Kai grinned. "But I still like you."
Jule punched him lightly in the arm. "Dick."
Kai laughed.
Then he became a little quieter again, almost shy. "But you still have to act surprised when I ask you."
Jule smiled. "I will. Promise."
Kai pulled him through the now-empty players' tunnel and opened a door Jule hadn't noticed before. Behind it was an empty physio room.
"Wait here, okay? I'll get changed quickly, then we can go home." Kai gave him a kiss on the temple.
"Sorry about the jersey," Jule mumbled, noticing how dirty the shoulder was where he had cried.
"Oh, it was already totally sweaty anyway," Kai waved it off, before disappearing through the door, not without throwing Jule a playful kiss.
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Jule looked around the room. A normal physio room, a treatment table, some resistance bands, and someone had forgotten their socks. His gaze landed on the mirror on the wall.
Damn, he looked like hell.
His eyes were red and swollen, tear tracks ran down his face, gluing his eyelashes together. He quickly washed his face at the small sink, ran his hand through his hair, and took a deep breath.
Kai didn't want to part with him at all. He even wanted to marry him. And he had gone to so much trouble to plan everything perfectly. What had he done to deserve such a person?
Fuck. They were really going to grow old together.
Jule grinned madly to himself as the door opened again.
Kai came back, wearing an equally wide smile.
Jule couldn't help but go to him immediately and throw his arms around his neck. The kiss was a little crooked because neither of them could stop smiling, but it was still wonderful. Jule clung to the little curls at Kai's nape, still damp from the shower, and pulled him closer.
When they broke apart minutes later and looked into each other's eyes, they immediately started giggling like two absolute idiots. After they had calmed down somewhat, Kai held out his hand to him.
"Let's go home instead."
Jule snorted softly. "Yeah, that physio table doesn't look very comfortable," he said, interlocking his fingers with Kai's.
Kai burst out laughing. "First crying, and ten minutes later he's only thinking about one thing again."
Jule nudged him lightly from the side, but couldn't suppress a small grin. What was he supposed to do? His boyfriend had just scored a goal, and he had found out he was even planning to propose.
His head still hadn't quite caught up as they stepped outside together. Outside the stadium, fans were milling about, wondering what to do with the rest of their evening, and journalists hoping for a good snapshot.
Kai squeezed Jule's hand a little tighter and pulled him along, past the people, towards his car.
And Jule knew that this time, he would truly never have to let go.