KalansPhantom
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"But if we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness".
1 John 1:9
Edward Teach knows sin and guilt. He's got success and fame, a life that most would envy professionally, but his personal life is another matter entirely. He's shit at relationships, shit at finding happiness, in general, Ed's always been a bit shit. He knows he's floating through life, and eventually floats back into the same city he went to college. The same city he once crushed a sweet guy all for the sake of winning a bet.
And meets Father Stede Bonnet, a man who seems to see into his guilt-laden soul and offers to wash his sins clean.
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Hard Disciplines: A Practical Study of Human Sexuality and Subcultures by CitrusSyndicate, KalansPhantom, Pastor_of_Muppets
Fandoms: Our Flag Means Death (TV)
12 May 2026
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Professor Stede Bonnet has spent his life studying anthropology with an emphasis in human sexuality, which he finds almost laughable when he spent years married to a woman before coming to terms with his own sexuality. After a divorce and the death of his father, he finds himself finally experiencing the freedom to find out what he truly enjoys. And if he's doing it with money funding his 'study' thanks to his boss, Nigel Badminton, all the better. He's spent too many years left behind, and he's done.
Edward Teach, also known as the notorious hacker Blackbeard, has settled down to teach at a local university in an attempt to switch up the monotony of his life. Instead, he finds himself just as bored until he comes across an insane Professor that apparently invites men in full leather fetish gear to his office and discusses the price of bulk lube with his TA. He's fucking fascinated and, for the first time in a long time, excited about every new day to see what the maniac will do next.
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- Part 6 of Our Flag Means Omegaverse
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Edward Teach doesn't remember the curse that changed him. He doesn't remember much of anything about the time surrounding it. What he does know is that being cursed into the body of a horse is boring as fuck....until a man in bloody clothes stumbles into the stable one night with a murder fresh on his hands and a desperate need to escape.
Series
- Part 15 of Twitfics/Skyfics
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When Stede finally gets to try real (tm) gay sex for the first time he finds out it’s not all he’d imagined it would be. thankfully, emotional support hook-up Edward Teach is there to help him talk it through.
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- Part 4 of Kinky One Offs
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Star Light, Star Bright by KalansPhantom, nocturneequuis
Fandom Our Flag Means Death (TV)
24 Nov 2025
- Words:
- 76,517
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'There's a notification clogging up his screen.
Dennis Whitaker (R1): Hey, just wanted to check in with you after yesterday. It was intense. And also, that thing you were asking about? I feel like Trin kinda got in your head about it. Amy's really just a friend. She needs help on the farm, with a baby, and I'm pretty good at farmwork. That's all.
It's entirely too much justification for your boss.'
Robby finally makes it to his sabbatical.
Whitaker finds himself a little adrift without his boss around.
Jack is just trying to make sure the both of them are happy.
- Language:
- English
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- 139,599
- Chapters:
- 34/34
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- 2,100
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- 4,499
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Bookmarked by KalansPhantom
09 Jun 2026
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In which Dennis "I'm obviously just a beta with a really mild scent and a huge thing for Alphas" Whitaker is completely obsessed with his chief and the night shift attending, and it's all totally normal and completely ok and 100% Not A Problem.
So why is he so hot under the collar? And why is his mouth where his fangs would be so damn sore all of a sudden? And why is the whole room suddenly white hot and smelling like the most delicious thing he can imagine?
An unconventional love story.
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 85,475
- Chapters:
- 16/16
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- 416
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- 2,189
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- 449
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- 54,725
Bookmarked by KalansPhantom
15 Mar 2026
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The island of snacks is a refuge for Stede. Island of Misfit Orgy-goers, he thinks to himself. He snatches a bottle of water, does as the sign says, and hydrates. He can hear music playing throughout the whole house, a sexy and sultry playlist that he quite enjoys. Over the sound of the music are the occasional moan or sound of slapped flesh and a whimper. Stede blinks, staring at the wall and taking in the sounds of the evening. Could he distinguish Mary’s voice from the rest? He wonders. He doesn’t think he can. He doesn’t know if he’s ever heard her in the throes of passion, come to think of it, and that thought slightly depresses him.
“First time?” a deep voice says across the island.
OR:
Stede and Mary attend their first queer poly play party, and Stede learns a lot about himself with the help of a delightful stranger.
Bookmarked by KalansPhantom
18 Feb 2026
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A crew conducts a daring raid on the ship of the Mad Wizard Low, rescuing a man who's lost his memories. As Stede adjusts to his new life onboard a pirate ship, fleeing from the wrath of the wizard and trying to avoid the navy of the Immortal King, he tries to piece together what happened to him.
How long was he locked away? What did Mad Low want with him? And is he really just an average human mortal man?
Haunted by a recurring dream of a beautiful man in a raven mask and the burning conviction someone he loves very much is out there, Stede searches for answers, and begins to suspect he may have had a role in a failed magical ritual that plunged the world into chaos and flooding—held only at bay by the mysterious Blackbeard.
- Language:
- English
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- 141,187
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- 13/13
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- 1
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- 217
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- 87
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- 42
- Hits:
- 2,053
Bookmarked by KalansPhantom
03 Jan 2026
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Summary
Stede Bonnet, modern day wealthy vice president of his father’s company, tires of his monotonous life of commuting from the hustle of the city to the cookie cutter suburbs and dreams of a peaceful life on a New Zealand sheep farm. However, because he has absolutely no idea what he is doing, he must hire a crew of unique and lovable farm hands.
Things did not go as planned…This uses season 1 of OFMD as a base but sets it in modern times. We tried to capture the vibe of the show without rehashing it. Quotes used but not in the same context as the show, just as little nods. We do venture into a "season 2" that we made up ourselves. There is sexual content.
Come yell at us on Twitter @weejanefeeney (individual posts on this account) and @bigjanefeeney the sister account
- Language:
- English
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- 147,049
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- 49/49
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- 1
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- 130
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- 239
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- 66
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Bookmarked by KalansPhantom
06 Dec 2025