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Summary
“In my humble opinion there’s only three things that men should be and that is bloody, slutty, and pathetic.” And, on a good day, Draco Malfoy can be all three.
When war heroine Hermione Granger and Azkaban-tattooed war criminal Draco Malfoy are forced to wed as part of Shacklebolt’s controversial Reconciliation Act, they openly fight the match and each other—their public brawls breathlessly reported by the press.
Secretly, a deeply traumatized Draco delights in Hermione’s attention and pines for a real marriage with her—even as her forced proximity to the Black family magic irritates the cursed scar Bellatrix left on her arm, reminding her why she can never truly trust or forgive him. Then Hermione discovers that Draco’s blood will soothe the scar . . . and Draco is willing to trade his blood for her body.
(With post-war blood purity politics, black market potioneers, Pansy Parkinson’s career advice, the Malfoys blackmailing Hermione’s Wizengamot opposition, BDE Neville Longbottom hunting Death Eaters, a slutty Theo Nott serving as Draco’s right-hand man, and Crookshanks loose in Malfoy Manor.)
Series
- Part 1 of THE BLOODY, SLUTTY, AND PATHETIC SERIES
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 195,969
- Chapters:
- 21/21
- Comments:
- 7,499
- Kudos:
- 31,505
- Bookmarks:
- 12,498
- Hits:
- 1,917,272
Bookmarked by SpuffyFan
07 Jun 2026
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Something Borrowed, Something Found by wehavediscussedit
Fandoms: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
17 Jun 2026
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Summary
“Right. Erm… Ron is getting married.”
Malfoy’s brows turned down once more with a puzzled look.
“I’ve heard. Although, I believe his owl must have lost my invitation during its trip,” he said sarcastically.
“And Harry and Ginny think you might want to come as my plus one,” she said, ignoring his comment. She had a plan set in her mind and she just needed to get it all out before she lost the nerve to do so.
Malfoy’s eyes widened but his confused expression did not waver.
“And why would that be?”
Hermione swallowed. “Because I may have told them we are dating.”
OR
After receiving an invitation to Ron’s two weeklong wedding celebration and having Harry and Ginny shove in her face how very much single and lonely she is, Hermione sees herself lying about her relationship status.
The issue is, she didn’t really think the lie through. And let out – accidentally – that her secret boyfriend is Draco Malfoy. She now must convince Malfoy to pretend to be her doting, loving boyfriend for the two-week event. What she doesn’t know, is that he doesn’t need much convincing.
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 125,162
- Chapters:
- 12/17
- Comments:
- 347
- Kudos:
- 640
- Bookmarks:
- 358
- Hits:
- 25,827
Bookmarked by SpuffyFan
09 May 2026
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Summary
What if the Deathly Hallows was done differently?
What if some of the bad guys were not so bad?
What if there was a lot more collaboration and communication?
What if Draco ends up on the run with the Golden Trio?Rules:
Please do not tell Rodolphus where Severus hides the good wine.
Please do not cast Muffliato spells around Phineas.
Please do not tell Draco he is about to go camping.Series
- Part 1 of Oops! I Joined The Good Guys Series
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 97,894
- Chapters:
- 25/25
- Collections:
- 5
- Comments:
- 2,583
- Kudos:
- 7,237
- Bookmarks:
- 3,221
- Hits:
- 295,421
Bookmarked by SpuffyFan
20 Sep 2025
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Summary
Pansy decides to surprise Draco and shows up unannounced at the Manor, but she'll be the one surprised.
Bookmarked by SpuffyFan
27 Jun 2025
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Summary
Pansy Parkinson had a brilliant, but petty idea: Hermione should give Ron a taste of his own medicine— after quite the public break up Ron Weasley insists one parading whichever girl he deemed special enough for the night in front of Hermione— and frankly, Pansy had enough of Hermione’s moon eyes.
A petty arrangement is proposed between Hermione and Pansy’s best friend, Draco Malfoy. Hermione refuses at first, not wanting a relationship or a one night stand but when Pansy utters the words “Play Pretend,” followed afterwards by “he’s gay,” well, Hermione saw her chance to make Ron’s head pop off.
Only, things never go according to plan when Pansy is involved. Hermione should have known better.- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 123,753
- Chapters:
- 25/?
- Collections:
- 2
- Comments:
- 1,559
- Kudos:
- 2,397
- Bookmarks:
- 907
- Hits:
- 110,698
Bookmarked by SpuffyFan
08 May 2024