mediocrepirate
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“Well hello there, bun.”
Stede’s gentle cooing heats a delicate flush in Ed’s cheeks, a coy timidity, as if this hadn’t been the whole fucking point. Ed peeks cautiously into their bedroom, just enough to catch sight of Stede setting down his book and his reading glasses, hands folded patiently in his lap as he smiles over at the slither-sight of Ed that he glimpses hiding just beyond the door.
The outline of one floppy grey ear, maybe.
Or: Ed wears floppy bunny ears and a cute fluffy tail and shows Stede how good bunnies bounce on it.
With adorable art by Caly!!!
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will you love me anyway? by Butter_Ball, mediocrepirate
Fandoms: Our Flag Means Death (TV)
18 Oct 2025
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Stede gives special attention to Ed’s feet.
Gets them up out of the water and onto the edge of the tub, the sponge coating soapy suds over the spiders on the tops of his feet, dipping down to wash gently between each of his toes. It doesn’t tickle, not exactly, but Ed still shudders regardless, quivery with vulnerability.
Or: Ed’s having second thoughts about the inn, but he's afraid of what it means for his and Stede's relationship if they can't make it work.
Stede tries proving to him that no matter what, he will love him anyway.
Written for OFMD Kinktober day 18: grooming/bathing, coming untouched, foot fetish
With gorgeous art by Mahnah!
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There’s a guy sitting on their usual bench.
Or: Ed's on this whole Self Care Journey, right? Doing all the things that Make Ed Happy. Learning how to sit with himself. Going on his silly little walks with his silly little cat for his silly mental health, but there's a guy sitting on their usual bench...
Featuring beautiful art by Mahnah <3
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secret moments in a crowded room by mediocrepirate, WellSussed (drcfxtina)
Fandoms: Our Flag Means Death (TV)
04 Jun 2025
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Ed’s eyes widen. “I—didn’t you—” His chest is heaving as he struggles to get words out. But Stede knows what he’s asking: Didn’t you want me to come?
“You said I could use you when and where I wanted this weekend, darling. Not that I had to let you come. If you’re good for me, then maybe I’ll let you come–before we go back home.”
Ed’s flushed face is a study in shock, his jaw working but no words coming out for a few moments. “Well, shit,” he finally blurts out.
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Ed gives Stede a free use weekend in honor of his birthday. Or, five times Stede wouldn’t let Ed come, and one time he did.
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Blackbeard's Beans by EliThorn, mediocrepirate, sparklespriggs (nerolinks)
Fandoms: Our Flag Means Death (TV)
17 Jan 2025
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“Hi mate, welcome to Blackbeard’s Beans, what can I get for you?”
A podfic collaboration recorded on location in a coffee shop, full of silliness, fluff, and humour. Audio and transcript available.
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Ed gets restless.
She’s almost disappointed about it. The house is done, everything’s more or less put together. Now they’re just collecting furniture. Switching a couch out for another that suits them better. Ed gives her opinions, but Stede is more aligned with the ways of interior design than Ed is. So she’s just kind of sitting. And looking around. Sometimes she reads, but mostly she will sit and look around and be tended to. Watered (with tea), fed (with charcuterie). Like a potted plant.
“Or a flower,” Stede says, leaning down to give her a kiss on the cheek.
Bookmarked by mediocrepirate
05 Jul 2025
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Whatever Happened to Blackbeard? by PerpendicularPotato
Fandoms: Our Flag Means Death (TV)
25 Jun 2025
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Edward blinked at the piece of paper in his hands.
It was one of his old wanted posters. The one with the big nose and the crazy eyes and the writing on the back.
They had all had crazy eyes though, hadn’t they?
This specific one however had been re-titled in bright red paint ‘The Gentleman Pirate’s Bitch’. And underneath—presumably in thoughtful consideration for the wide-spread illiteracy amongst pirates—there was a crude drawing (in both senses of the word) helpfully illustrating that very statement.
It's been a few years—post-piracy, post-myth, post-Blackbeard—and despite all odds, Edward has done the work and found peace.
But the world never got to witness the legend’s grand downfall, so now they just won't stop poking the corpse and drawing dicks on its face.
And for some reason, this time... Edward just can’t look away.
The celebration of a life post-public gaze, the reclamation of narrative and the most meta revenge-hatefuck fantasy imaginable—staged by two soft fucking lunatics in love.
Bookmarked by mediocrepirate
26 Jun 2025
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On top of being cursed with devastating good looks (okay, he was already handsome before the curse, just ask his mama) that bring potential suitors to his door at fuck off o’clock in the morning when he hasn’t even had his coffee yet—seriously, where the fuck is his fucking coffee maker?—he also turns into a cat. Yep. So that’s been an adjustment.
As far as curses go, that part honestly hasn’t been so bad. The rest, though…
~*~
Ed is the most wanted man in town, and he has announced that he'll only marry the one who can open his front door with the key around his cat's neck. Plot twist: Ed is the cat, and he does not want to be caught.
this is my blanket permission for anyone to podfic, remix, repod, make art, or otherwise create derivative works of my fics! All I ask is that you link back to my work as the inspiration.
Bookmarked by mediocrepirate
04 Jun 2025
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Stede let go of one of his hands again to trace his fingertips over the bones of Ed’s face, his touch impossibly light. He followed the delicate curve of his eyebrow, down to the cheekbone and fluttered over the jaw, rubbing soothingly at the joint and the tense muscle behind the ear. Ed tipped his face into the touch and groaned, careful not to lose contact with Stede’s cock.
“One more, my love, or are you done?” Stede asked, trading hands so that he could continue his exploration on the other side. With his held hand, Ed squeezed once, the signal for go. “Okay, lover. One more.”
Bookmarked by mediocrepirate
25 Jan 2025
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Between the demands of running a thriving inn and their recent hiring of Applejack, Ed is feeling a bit insecure about his relationship with Stede.
Time for Stede to show Ed just how loved he is.
A post-Canon one shot, inspired by David Jenkins' bluesky holiday special.
Bookmarked by mediocrepirate
16 Jan 2025