monocrow
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Astarion’s coming to your tent every night with honeyed nothings on his tongue. Trouble is, you’re starting to smell hints of bullshit. The closer y’all get, the further apart you feel. And then there’s the fucking brainworm cult.
These two losers must cheat, stab, and flirt their way to the heart of a cult. And to…whatever it is between them.
Series
- Part 3 of these two shitheads
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 192,408
- Chapters:
- 104/104
- Comments:
- 3,461
- Kudos:
- 3,127
- Bookmarks:
- 287
- Hits:
- 119,917
Bookmarked by monocrow
30 Sep 2025
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Summary
After tripping a mad wizard’s trap, Astarion—now blinded—must navigate the Underdark with Eleanor back to their crew. These two shitheads must cheat, stab, and flirt their way through flooded caves, monsters, and something hunting them in the dark. All while very confusing feelings begin to muddle up Astarion’s Very Simple plan.
Sequel to Feeding Alligators
Series
- Part 2 of these two shitheads
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 109,532
- Chapters:
- 43/43
- Comments:
- 1,726
- Kudos:
- 2,685
- Bookmarks:
- 310
- Hits:
- 69,251
Bookmarked by monocrow
27 Sep 2025
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Summary
Turns out, it’s not heart disease that gets you. Not a car crash, the second coming, or even a plain old slip in the shower that removes you from this mortal coil.
It’s motherfucking aliens.
Your Uncle Randy would be so proud.
Or: two losers cheat, stab, and flirt their way to a win.
Series
- Part 1 of these two shitheads
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 157,727
- Chapters:
- 72/72
- Comments:
- 2,674
- Kudos:
- 4,266
- Bookmarks:
- 722
- Hits:
- 120,478
Bookmarked by monocrow
27 Sep 2025
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Summary
When he wakes, he is on a beach, gold, looking up at the sun.
Ah, he thinks, distant. I'm dreaming.
Astarion is never quite sure, until the moment Cazador lies dead before him, whether this entire adventure is anything more than an extremely vivid hallucination.
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 39,119
- Chapters:
- 1/1
- Collections:
- 2
- Comments:
- 121
- Kudos:
- 970
- Bookmarks:
- 337
- Hits:
- 9,112
Bookmarked by monocrow
31 Aug 2025
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sunrise, with hope its arrogant rider by edelgarfield
Fandoms: Baldur's Gate (Video Games)
07 Oct 2023
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Summary
Astarion stares down his nose with that familiar haughty glare. “I suppose that makes us even, now.”
You search his face, trying to find the missing piece that will make the puzzle take shape. You think of what little he’s told you about his life before this strange journey of yours. A cruel master that delighted in his pain and two hundred years of being brought to heel.
It comes to you in a dizzying rush. “You think I left you there as punishment.”
Astarion accidentally, kinda-sorta drains your blood and leaves you for dead. Three weeks later, you drop a monastery on him. You refuse to let the story end there.
Series
- Part 2 of cardinal, sunrise, morning star
Bookmarked by monocrow
21 Aug 2025