Archive of Our Own

"There's nothing we can do," Sam said, her voice remarkably calm even while there was fear in her eyes. They were all shocked, scared, yes, terrified, staring at the monitor in front of them. "How many are there?"

"Twenty-six," Zelenka answered, his voice breaking. "We have a week to prepare … for … for ... They fooled the long-range sensors … somehow."

John could feel the panic mounting all around him; he could almost taste it on the air. "We're tracking all of the Hives," he said roughly, trying to keep other people's emotions away from himself. "How did they manage to sneak up on us?"

"They must have figured out what we're doing and did something to … I don't know," Rodney answered, his eyes glued on the dots that represented the Wraith fleet.

Sam cleared her throat. "We need to evacuate."

And that? That wasn't what John wanted to do at all. Not by a long shot. Still he sat down heavily in the chair next to Rodney at the conference table, letting the voices of the others run over him, go through him, not paying attention. There had to be something he could do, something that wouldn't mean they would leave him behind on his own. Because now that he was in Atlantis, he couldn't leave again. He wouldn't. Going back to Earth, allowing the Wraith to destroy his city was not an option.

"John?"

He shook his head, casting his mind back to retrieve the original question. "No, I don't think we should retreat and blow up the city," he answered. "There's gotta be something we can do."

All eyes turned to him and John could see the pity in them. Every one of them knew John considered Atlantis home, they all knew how much the city meant to him. And they didn't even know who he really was. John knew it hurt them to think of it as well, but he also knew they'd destroy Atlantis if they had to. Hell, he would do it if he had to. But only as an absolute last resort. Better to destroy Atlantis than let the Wraith come to Earth. His fellow Ancients would be so proud of all of them.

"There's nothing we can do," Sam repeated. As if saying it again made it hurt less for her.

Like hell there was.

Getting a hold of Rodney to have a few words in private was a lot harder than John had thought it would be. He had to resort to bodily pulling Rodney into an empty room to accomplish that. "Rodney," he said, when Rodney raised his hand to his radio to open a channel to whomever was trying to get a hold of him now. John very delicately burned out the radio with a tiny thread of energy. "I need to talk to you."

"You and half the city," Rodney grunted when he couldn't open a channel and started to walk towards the door.

"Please, Rodney, listen," John practically begged as he threw himself between Rodney and the door, effectively blocking the exit.

"There's no time, John, we have to pack up and try to take as much as we can with us. You heard Sam, we're going to prepare for the evacuation. I'd really, really like to have sex with you, you know that, but we should probably postpone that until we're back on Earth," he said, trying to dislodge John from the door.

John pushed Rodney away, ignoring the hurt look on his face. "Listen," he hissed, "I can't leave."

"What do you mean you can't leave? I know you love the city, that you grew up here, that you protected it all your life and that she's your mission, but we're going to die here if we don't leave. We can't hope to stand a chance against twenty-six hive ships," Rodney argued and looked at John like he had suddenly gone crazy. "Not even you can do that, can you? I know you're powerful, but that's a bit much while you're like this," and he waved at John, looking him up and down, "you'd have to ascend and then you couldn't interfere anymore. So-"

Losing his patience John glared at Rodney, "Shut up for one minute, Rodney and listen to me. There's a weapon here, an experimental one. You wouldn't have found it in the database yet, it's been buried deep. Very deep. It was designed to specifically destroy Wraith and their hive ships. A kind of last ditch effort."

"Why wasn't it used during the siege then?" Rodney asked, puzzled, but at least John knew he had his full attention now.

"Because it's a one off chance, it's only going to fire once. Not all the Wraith attacked during the siege, they were taking turns. The weapon requires massive amounts of energy, about a ZPM's worth, they figured, maybe even more and that would fry the critical systems. There won't be a second chance." The mere thought of destroying all the Wraith in one place made John feel elated. Just like it had felt back when he'd first heard of the weapon. Then, they'd abandoned it, deciding not to use it and to flee instead, leaving it behind as useless. "We've been a thorn in the Wraith's side, Rodney, they've sent every last hive left to try and wipe us out. They'll all be here, in one place." It was a last fight for survival, John knew that kind of thing from personal experience. The Wraith Hail Mary. Full out war. And they thought they were going to win, John knew that, too. After all, these were just humans. They wouldn't stand a chance against a Wraith fleet. Rubbing a hand over his face in desperation John repeated, "They're all going to be here."

"If it uses that much energy it won't help us, though," Rodney said, plaintively, his hopeful face falling again. "We've only got one ZedPM."

"We could ask the SGC for another one," John muttered, putting his hands on Rodney's shoulders, wanting to shake his point into Rodney, but resisting the urge, instead just pulling him close enough to feel Rodney's huff against his lips. "Two should do. It should work." The time they'd tested the prototype had been … amazing. John had been there. He knew this would work. Had to work.

Rodney stared at him for a heartbeat, then he pushed away from John and made an impatient gesture. "Show me the data," Rodney demanded and his voice was shaking with excitement.

John couldn't help but smile at Rodney's eagerness and led him to the console in the corner of the room. He pulled up the data and then stepped aside, dutifully translating a word here and there for Rodney when it was pointed out to him with an impatient noise.

They poured over research data and numbers for over an hour until someone thought to hail John because they couldn't reach Rodney.

"Colonel Sheppard? Have you seen Rodney?" Carter asked into his ear and John grimaced; he'd forgotten that he'd destroyed Rodney's radio.

"Yeah, he's here with me," John answered her, wishing they could have had a little more time. Rodney had been humming a lot in the way that usually meant 'I think I like this and I know I can do it', but hadn't actually said anything about it yet. It made John nervous and he had wanted to convince Rodney before talking to anybody else about it.

"Could you let him know that he's needed in lab 5?"

"Yes, I'll tell him," he said, then he swallowed around the lump in his throat. It was now or never, really, and Rodney gave him a long look, then waved him on as if to say 'go ahead'. John cleared his throat. "We found something." He locked his gaze with Rodney, who pulled a face, but nodded. "You should see this."

Soon, John was standing in the main lab, his back to a wall, trying to hide a smug smile. It seemed like every member of the science department was crowded inside, yelling at each other.

"Shut up, shut up, shut up," Rodney shouted over the chaos until everybody turned to him and silence fell over the room. "Now, we know it's experimental and extremely dangerous. Everybody has their copy of the file?" Rodney waited long enough for a wave of nods before he continued, "Then get going. I want to know everything. Radek, Miko, I want you both to do independent power calculations." He turned back to his whiteboard and started to write, then frowned and turned back, "What are you waiting for? Get on with it!"

Chaos broke out again as people left to go to their work-space. It was beautiful to watch, like some secret choreography. The subtle change from panic and pure fear to hope and optimism had been such a relief to John that he had to spend a bit of time reveling in it. But then he sighed to himself and went to check on his men.

John couldn't remember ever having being that tense. He felt his muscles quiver with it and he balled his hands into fists to keep himself from drumming them on his thigh. They'd been waiting for the IOA's answer for two days. Forty-eight nightmarish hours that had John all twisted up in the most unpleasant ways. And now, standing in the command center, waiting for the SGC to dial in, John just couldn't bear it anymore. If they decided not to give them the ZPM after all, they'd finish evacuating immediately.

Not John though, when he'd said he couldn't leave he hadn't been kidding. Well, technically he could leave, but he'd fled once before and it still rankled. He wouldn't run away again, not if there was a chance he could stop the Wraith, keep his city safe, finish what had been started so many years ago. John would stay behind. He'd turn off the self destruct mechanism and he'd … he didn't know what he'd do. Probably make a ZPM or two and blow the Wraith out of the sky all by himself. He squeezed his eyes shut for a moment as he imagined Rodney walking through the 'gate. Going back to Earth without John. It hurt.

On the upside once their descendants were gone John could ascend and save his city without repercussions. He'd probably be forced to start again, descend on Earth somewhere, worm his way back into the SGC, but it'd be worth it. It'd be … who was he kidding? Losing Rodney would never be worth it.

"Incoming wormhole," the technician said at that moment, as if they couldn't see the Stargate come to life below them, as if John couldn't feel the vibrations all around him. He remained silent as Carter exchanged some pleasantries with Generals O'Neill and Landry and stiffened when they got down to business.

"You sure this … thing will work?" O'Neill asked with his usual casualness, but John could hear that he wanted it to work.

Carter smiled. "As sure as we can be. It's an experimental weapon after all. We think that Arcturus was actually initiated in their research to find a better source of energy for their ultimate weapon. When that didn't work out and they couldn't make the weapon mobile and capable of firing more than one shot they gave up on it. Doctor McKay thinks they never had the opportunity to take down more than just a couple of ships, or they'd have used it."

"Do we know it works, though?" O'Neill repeated, enunciating carefully, giving Carter a look that made her flush.

"Yes," she said back, brightly, her eyes glinting with mischief. "It will work. They fired the prototype and the reports on it said it was phenomenal. Especially," and she shot a nervous look at John, "Tural was there for the test and we know from Colonel Sheppard's report that they finished the weapon. Their prototype had flaws, though, and apart from a handful of people who wanted to use it, the Ancients didn't think it was the best option."

"They chickened out," John supplied, he just couldn't stay silent any longer. The whole situation was too much like some of his meetings with the council, when he had had to beg them to understand the logic of one of his decisions concerning the war with the Wraith. He'd hated it and he hated this. "What I can remember is that they figured it was too dangerous to use while only part of the Wraith fleet was there. They thought that they were going to Earth anyway and the weapon would still be there for them when they got back."

"How far is the range?" Landry asked.

Exchanging a glance with Carter, John pondered if he shouldn't have just stayed away and let her handle the entire thing alone when she just gave him a half-smile that said 'hey, you took over, your gig now'. He could have kicked himself for opening his stupid mouth. "It will reach into the Hive attack distance, but no further."

O'Neill looked thoughtful at that for a moment, then he shrugged, "The ZPM is on its way. When's the rest of your guys coming through?" Both Generals grinned and John had to breathe deeply to stop himself from screaming at them. They had been playing with John, he just knew it. "We don't want to take any chances in case the plan doesn't work. Midway Station's already primed to blow up if someone doesn't put through the right code before stepping through the 'gate. We're as protected here as it's possible," O'Neill continued blithely.

John let the rest of the conversation wash over him as Carter explained their plans in detail and when the wormhole disengaged and the Stargate was back to being a lifeless ring of metal John allowed himself a sigh of relief before Carter made him bring the precious ZPM to Rodney. He still had her "and make sure he takes a break and gets some rest, we need him at the top of his game tomorrow" in his ears as he entered the transporter.

Things were moving so fast, it scared John just a little bit. Maybe because he'd always had to fight the council tooth and nail for everything… anything. Humans were so much easier to sell on blowing things up. A large part of John was giddy with relief even as he mentally started gearing himself up for the arrival of the Wraith.

"Hey," he said as he stuck his head into the labs. Both Rodney and Radek didn't even look away from their whiteboard; they did, however, wave at him. "I brought you guys a gift." He sauntered into the room and put the ZPM case on one of the workbenches. Allowing them to coo over it for a moment, John then told them both to get some food and sleep before leaving for his own quarters.

John could feel Rodney's eyes on his back until the door closed behind him and he knew that he should have said something. It had always been like this though, back when he'd still been Tural. Having been John had actually tempered the nervousness a great deal, but the waiting just grated on John's nerves as much as it always had; he couldn't even think properly.

Now, for the first time since they'd discovered the Wraith ships coming towards them, he wished he could pack up Rodney and send him to Earth. If everything went alright, John could get him back. If everything went wrong, at least Rodney would be safe. The thing was that Rodney would never leave of his own volition, he'd stay here, by John's side, frowning and unhappy and talking a mile a minute. He'd wave his hands and berate John for his bad survival instinct and his suicidal tendencies and then be his brilliant self and save them all.

Changing quickly into his running gear, John went out into his city and the lights went brighter where he ran, dimming again behind him. The exercise cleared his head almost immediately with the normalcy of it all. He could finally relax a bit. Tomorrow the last of the unnecessary personnel would be sent back home, taking only what they could carry on their backs. By the time the Wraith would come calling, they'd be off Midway Station and back on Earth, waiting for the all clear.

The whole command staff would be staying behind, as well as Radek, Lorne, one of the medics who would help Carson in case there were injuries, a few engineers, and Marines. All in all there would only be a small group of them and John was glad for that. He wouldn't need to be so damn careful if there was no one around to witness what he was doing.

"John?"

Nearly falling on his face, John stopped awkwardly and turned around to face Rodney just in time to see him step out of the corridor that led to the closest transporter. John had just ran past him on autopilot, not actually expecting to meet anybody. "Hi," he said, kicking himself for not coming up with something better to say. "What are you doing here?" Considering that 'here' was on the periphery of the area they had explored it was a valid question. He wasn't really surprised to see Rodney, had actually been expecting Rodney to show up at one point. Maybe not this soon, but eventually.

"I was tracking you," Rodney admitted and waved the Ancient scanner at John in what was probably supposed to be an apology.

John tried not to notice the pained expression on Rodney's face, or how it felt like something was squeezing his heart at the thought of what might happen soon. Instead, he breathed deliberately, feeling how his heartbeat slowed again and then started walking towards Rodney, stretching his sore muscles carefully. "Okay," he muttered as Rodney fell into step beside him. They silently walked down the side corridor Rodney had come out of and towards the transporter, but John could see the tension in Rodney's shoulders, in the way his hand fisted around the scanner. "I want you to go back to Earth, Rodney," he blurted out.

"What?" Rodney asked, obviously baffled. He stopped walking and just stood there, staring at John with wide eyes. John imagined Rodney would look at him like that if he hit him over the head without warning as well.

Closing his eyes briefly, John turned to face Rodney. It felt like there was a gulf between them all of a sudden, one that John couldn't bridge. "You'll be safer there," he tried to explain even as he watched all color go out of Rodney's face.

"You're sending me away?" Rodney asked and John could see his hands shaking from the force he used to make them into fists. "I can't believe you even think that, never mind say it to me."

Raising his hands in a placating gesture John said, "Please, Rodney, just … please?" He'd beg … he'd knock Rodney out and send him to Midway on a stretcher if necessary, but John really didn't want Rodney anywhere around Atlantis when the Wraith got here. Weapon or no weapon, things didn't always go as planned and John couldn't bear the thought of what might happen if any of the Wraith slipped through their defenses. "Please just do what I ask you to do, just this once. You can be stubborn and loyal and brave all you want after this, I promise. Hell, I'll even let you rant at me for hours if that will make it better for you, but I want you to be … what if something happens and I can't protect you? What if something happens to you?" John felt he would shatter if he said it out loud. "I can't … Rodney."

With just a step, Rodney was there, holding onto John, hugging, holding John up. "Nothing is going to happen to me. It'll all go according to plan, you'll see."

Suddenly angry with the whole situation, John pushed Rodney away and growled, "You don't know that. Just off the top of my head I can give you fifty scenarios about how this can go FUBAR without us even trying hard." This was what going insane probably felt like, John thought hysterically, rubbing his hands over his face. "I can't believe this, but I think I finally understand why my people didn't do emotions. It's crippling! And I can't think straight. God, Rodney, if something happens to you I don't know what I'll do but I can tell you that it won't be pretty." He looked at Rodney, seeing the shock and the betrayal on Rodney's face and the way he balled his hands into fists in an obvious effort not to hug John again, isolating both of them. It hurt, but John forced himself into stillness. He hated the thought of Rodney shutting him out like this, but he'd rather Rodney was pissed off at him and went through the fucking Stargate than touch him right now. "You have to go back to Earth."

"No, I really don't have to do anything," was Rodney's heated answer. "Do you think I'd leave you here on your own? I'm the only one who knows what you're even remotely capable of. If push comes to shove, you'll need me and you know it. There is no way I'm going."

"Damn it, don't fight me on this, Rodney," John said agitatedly. "I can't do this if I don't know you're safe."

"And I can't leave you behind. Don't you get it? We've been through so much together and I won't abandon you just because your protective streak is working overtime. I'm staying here, no matter what you say," Rodney told him stubbornly, chin lifted just so and arms crossed in front of his chest.

Right then, John knew he'd lost the fight. Whatever he said now wouldn't change Rodney's mind, it'd only create more hurt and more injuries to mend later on. "Rodney," John tried to put all his feelings into this one word. "Rodney." It was all he could think of to say and it wasn't nearly enough. Closing his eyes for a moment and taking a deep breath, John accepted it. "Okay … okay. But there are some things that you'll have to do. With no argument."

Rodney frowned, but he uncrossed his arms and nodded just once.

Moving in until they were practically nose to nose, John put a hand on Rodney's shoulder. "If we're really gonna do this, you need to promise me that you won't leave my side. And you'll do exactly as I say, when I say it, without protest. I don't want you to end up trapped somewhere and have to worry about you getting hurt. You need to stay close. Promise me."

"Yeah, I promise. I'll stay by your side and listen to what you say without arguing. I'm never going to leave you. Promise." He looked at John for a moment, then added rather desperately, "Can we please go have some dinner now?"

That was just such a Rodney thing to say that John had to laugh helplessly. "Yeah, we can go and get you fed, I just need a shower first." He turned to lead the way to the transporter when Rodney's hand on his elbow stopped him. Looking back, John saw that Rodney had that stubborn look on his face again.

"You have to promise me something as well, John. Promise me you won't do anything heroically sacrificing. There'll be no 'so long' and you won't just leave me behind. This is a two way street. If I have to stick to your side, you'll have to let me do that. If you have any suicidal tendencies you'd better knock them out of your head right now. Understood?"

John's breath caught in his throat and he had to swallow before he could answer. "Yeah, got it."

Adamantly shaking his head Rodney pulled John towards him. "No, no, no. Say it."

"Say what?" John asked, brow furrowing with confusion.

"You know what. 'I promise.' Say it."

"I promise," John repeated obediently, voice catching in his throat.

Rodney looked at him intensely for a heartbeat, then brushed their lips together in a sweet, but short kiss. "Now we can go," he said. "Shower. We'd better hurry so I don't collapse from hunger before we make it to dinner and you have to carry me to the infirmary."

Smiling goofily John nodded. "Alright. You're kinda heavy; I think I'll pass on the carrying." When Rodney was off on one of his rants about how he wasn't at all heavy, he was perfectly normal for a grown man, John felt alright for the first time since the long range scanners had picked up the Wraith fleet.

It was strange to have MRE's in the mess hall again after all the weird stuff that had been served there, but being surrounded by his team before the mission was the only thing that kept John from freaking out. It was that little piece of normalcy he simply needed. He'd strategically placed himself next to Rodney instead of opposite him, even if that meant he had to watch Ronon wolf down his food. For what he was planning to do this was better though: he wanted to be able to look both Teyla and Ronon in the eye when he told them that he had … changed. It didn't help that Rodney acted like they were about to be stood in front of an execution squad. Rodney hadn't actually quarreled when John had told him during their shower that he didn't want to lie to either of them anymore, that they were part of John's family as much as Rodney was. Neither of them, John had argued, would actually try to hurt Rodney or John.

But Rodney hadn't been really convinced until John had said he genuinely thought if he left it too long they'd be more upset by the whole thing than if they just got it over with. Still, the wide-eyed, scared look on Rodney's face hadn't faded.

Finally, when John couldn't stand it any longer, he put his fork down and cleared his throat. "There's something I've gotta tell you guys." The MRE tasted awful and every bite he'd taken felt like lead in his stomach. John wasn't sure what he was more nervous about, the Wraith at their doorstep or telling the rest of his team that he'd lied to them for what now seemed like years. He felt Rodney's hand on his knee and while his grip was a tad on the tight side, the contact was soothing and reassuring.

John cleared his throat again and Teyla just smiled at him. A little smile that John knew she reserved for them, for her family. Ronon surprised him by pushing away his MRE and looking at him with a sort of calm expectation rather than just continuing to shovel food into his mouth. "See … it's like this …" John started, his eyes drifting to Rodney for a moment trying to find some reassurance. Of course, Rodney's face mirrored the turmoil John felt in a hapless sort of way. No help whatsoever. "I mean …" How did he say this kind of thing anyway? He'd run the conversation through his head a few times on the way to the mess hall, but he hadn't found anything that sounded even remotely right. Nothing that didn't say I've been lying to you all this time, or because obviously I didn't trust you enough to tell you the truth. He groaned inwardly. What the fuck had he been thinking? Not telling Rodney had already been a bad idea. Alright, so sleeping with him before he'd told him, that had been the stupid idea and in retrospect John knew that he'd have been better off if he'd done that the other way around. And in comparison to Rodney's reaction … this couldn't be so bad. Right? "Okay, so what I was gonna tell you is that …" he started again, finally blurting out "I'm sorry" a moment later. Which took him a bit by surprise, he'd planned to say something else.

"Is this about you and McKay sleeping together?" Ronon asked.

John froze in the process of opening his mouth. "What?" He was completely thrown out of the nice little speech he had planned on giving any moment now. There had been a few times in his life where he'd wanted to be anywhere but where he'd been, but the feeling had never been quite so intense before. Agonizing about what to tell them hadn't actually included his relationship with Rodney and for a moment, John felt positively ashamed. They should have talked to Teyla and Ronon about that right after they'd started sleeping together, but it had never even occurred to him. Part of John was still struggling with the military mindset, the need to hide, the need to keep his job. "Rodney and I, we're … how did you know?"

"McKay looks like he's gonna keel over any moment and you don't know what to say. I figure it's about how you or him decided to finally make a move," Ronon said, looking rather amused. He'd leaned back, had his arms crossed over his chest and was calmly balancing on two legs of his chair.

The indulgent smile Teyla bestowed on both of them made John feel nearly as warm and loved as Ronon's easy acceptance. She nodded gravely and told them sincerely, "We are both very happy for you," she said. "You have been lonely for too long. Both of you." It sounded like a ritual to John and it probably was, but behind it, he could hear that she genuinely felt that way.

This was what John had always wanted. In all his life … as Tural, and most likely as Ascended, all he'd ever wanted was a family. To belong. To be accepted. It was a heady feeling to receive such a gift and a surge of love for all of them constricted his throat. Rodney turned to John, his expression so close to panic that John put his hand on Rodney's shoulder and squeezed gently.

"Thanks, and while that's true," John finally said and had to suppress a laugh at Rodney's involuntary whimper, "I wanted to tell you something else, actually." Thinking about how he should start this, he ducked his head and uneasily rubbed the back of his neck. "Remember that whole business with Tural?" he asked and winced. Like they'd forget all that … sometimes John really couldn't believe how awkward he could still be with all the life experience he had.

"Yeah, we remember," Ronon rumbled and dropped his chair back down, reached for Rodney's MRE and pulled it over without Rodney so much as noticing. It wasn't like Rodney was eating, after all. Sparing the time to briefly grin at John, he started eating again.

Teyla nodded serenely. "We all were there. It was very unsettling to watch you hurt so much."

"You see … the thing is … I'm not … I wasn't entirely truthful when I said the memories faded and that I'm not … him," John stuttered out uneasily. Damn it. It had all seemed so much easier when he had decided to do this.

"John," Teyla gently said to him, still smiling, "you do not need to speak any further. There are many things the Ancestors chose to do that we do not understand and we are aware there are certain limitations of what you are allowed to talk about, in your military. We do value you as a friend, John, you are family. We do not wish to cause any harm to come onto you or Rodney by your speaking to us. If you do however wish to share your story about … Tural with us, then we would be honored to hear it." She shared a look with Ronon that John had always interpreted as commiseration about Earth and its people.

Ronon grunted in agreement. "We knew something was up anyway," he said. "You're different now."

It was a statement, not a question and John grinned, shrugging one shoulder self-consciously. "Yeah, I kinda am. But at the same time, I'm not. If that makes sense." It really was hard to explain.

Ronon just grinned at him, amused curiosity dancing in his eyes. "So you're Tural then? You're actually an Ancestor?" Ronon asked casually and started eying John's MRE now, apparently completely unfazed by the revelations. John just pushed it over to him without a second thought. There was no way he could eat anymore with the impending battle.

The waiting was killing John, he wished it was over and they could finally get to the part where he could actually do something. John ducked his head, not sure how he felt about the whole situation. Would Ronon and Teyla be angry that he'd kept his secret for so long? They didn't seem to mind much. In fact, they seemed to be more relaxed than John had ever thought possible. "Yeah, I am, but that doesn't mean I'm not still me. I just … have more memories than before. And can do a few things. I'm not ascended or anything, really and I don't have all of my powers. I wouldn't keep something like that from you. I wouldn't keep it to myself and not defend Atlantis if I had them. So I guess what I mean to say is … I'm so sorry that I didn't tell you before, I just …"

Teyla reached out and touched John's hand. "We understand, John," she said, then reached out with her other hand and held Rodney's as well. "We are honored that you confided in us and we are pleased that the Ancestors chose to protect Atlantis and the people of the Pegasus galaxy." She inclined her head, now addressing Rodney, who still looked pale and terrified. "I wish both of you much happiness and a long life together." Letting go of both of them Teyla got up and put a hand on Ronon's shoulder, who followed suit. "We will see you in the chair room once we have all had some rest. John, Rodney." She nodded at them and turned away.

Feeling stunned to the core, John could only sit there and watch them leave. He cleared his throat. "Well." He felt lighter than he had since Rodney had put it all together. "That … went better than I thought." Rodney didn't answer; he just made a strangled noise in the back of his throat and slumped against John. "You okay?" John asked. Rodney had been under so much pressure lately that John was genuinely worried about him. But Rodney just turned towards him and buried his face in John's shoulder. "Hey, Rodney," he put his arms around Rodney's shaking shoulders, "hey … hey." Then Rodney drew back and John could see the tears of laughter in his eyes.

"Oh my god, you should have seen your face," Rodney managed to get out somehow. "I can't believe they took it that well."

John scowled and punched Rodney gently. "That's not funny," he grumbled. "And you're only laughing because you're relieved. You were so scared that I could feel it without actually trying." Too scared, given the fact they both considered Teyla and Ronon family. John wanted to ask about it, but this wasn't the time. There'd be an opportunity for those questions later. When they were safe. And John was actually relieved Rodney had been laughing, because right then, he couldn't have dealt with it if Rodney had been crying. Deep, meaningful conversations definitely had to wait.

Especially as there were few times John had seen Rodney like this: face flushed, eyes shining and smiling broadly. The sight made John's heart lurch and some of what he felt right then must have shown in his eyes because Rodney's smile lost some of it's brilliance as his eyes went soft with emotion.

"We've got some time," Rodney stated and John had to swallow at the heat in Rodney's voice.

How they got to Rodney's quarters, John didn't know, but somehow he ended up with his back to the door, Rodney pressing up against him, kissing him almost desperately. Then Rodney's hands were tugging at John's shirt, frantically seeking bare skin and John almost gave in to the sensations. But something about the way Rodney pressed up against him, about the way Rodney's hand wandered over John's skin too fast, too frenzied, too restless, made John pause. Something was off. This wasn't just Rodney wanting to get him naked, no, there was such a desperate, almost panicked undertone in Rodney's actions that it sent a shiver down John's spine. And not in the pleasurable way. This was Rodney saying goodbye.

Rodney moved on, his lips hot on John's jaw, then his neck, leaving John breathless. "Rodney," he said, trying to catch Rodney's hands, trying to make him stop, to make him slow down.

"Busy," Rodney muttered against John's skin, his teeth sharp counterpoints to gentle kisses as Rodney nipped him repeatedly.

John took a deep breath and put his hands on Rodney's shoulders, pushing him away gently. The loss of the warmth of Rodney's body made him shiver, but he couldn't let this happen. It was unacceptable. "Rodney," he repeated and he took Rodney's face in his hands, thumbs rubbing over kiss-swollen lips, "slow down. This isn't the last time we're gonna do this." John pulled him closer and chastely kissed him. "There'll be plenty of times for us to have sex," John assured him, leaning in to kiss Rodney again, but hesitated at the last moment. Something in Rodney's body language had changed, subtle, but definitely there. "Rodney?" John asked softly, but Rodney averted his eyes. "Rodney, what's wrong? Talk to me! What's the problem? You're not thinking I'm rejecting you, are you? Because if-" In a sudden flash of insight, John realized what the problem was.

"Oh dammit," John cursed. "Listen, Rodney, I'm not good at this," he admitted.

"Not good at what?" Rodney asked tiredly, but he stayed where he was, allowing John's hands to settle back on his shoulders.

Squeezing gently, John pulled Rodney closer until they were leaning against each other again. "Relationships. Talking about emotions. Saying the right things in situations like these," John answered, relieved when Rodney's hands came to rest on his hips. "At least now I know why I'm so bad at it." With a sigh he touched his lips to Rodney's, then kissed his way down Rodney's jaw, to his throat, to kiss the pulse point, following the same path Rodney had taken earlier, just slower. "It's a bit overwhelming really."

"What is?" Rodney asked and John could hear the slight hitch in his voice.

John breathed on Rodney's skin, enjoying the way Rodney shuddered. "What I feel for you. It's not just about sex, Rodney, you have to know that. I've told you that I … care. But it's not so easy for me to actually voice my feelings for you. I'm completely out of my depth. There are no reference points in the entirety of my experience and I don't know what to say or do half of the time. Or how to say it. And I'm really sorry if I say the wrong things. I just figured that, when I told you that we don't love like you do, that you'd understand that I meant to say that … I love you. And I'm in with you for the long haul, if you'll have me. And now stop worrying." He sighed again, then hugged Rodney tightly and rubbed his cheek against Rodney's. "We're not going to die tomorrow."

"That's not what you were saying earlier," Rodney muttered.

John laughed at that. "I changed my mind. You were right," John paused for Rodney to say something along the lines of 'of course I was right' and 'I'm a genius, I'm always right', but Rodney remained silent. "Everything will go according to plan," John repeated Rodney's words from earlier, kissing Rodney's temple, his hands underneath Rodney's shirt, tracing random patterns over warm skin. "We have all the time in the world. There's no need to rush, and I won't have you saying goodbye."

Rodney pulled back. "I wasn't saying …"

Silencing Rodney with a quick kiss, John shook his head. "Oh, I know exactly what you were doing, but I won't let you. I'll just have to find a way to distract you …" John looked into Rodney's eyes and saw desire that matched his own. He pulled Rodney into another kiss, not quick, but soft and deep. What John really wanted was to take his time, to explore Rodney, just like this kiss, to spread him out, to open him up, to feel Rodney come apart beneath him. He held Rodney's face in his hands and swallowed his little whimper before breaking the kiss gently. "I love the way you react to me, Rodney," John's voice had dropped to a whisper, his mouth close to Rodney's ear. He felt Rodney shiver against him, his fingers tangling in the waistband of John's trousers. "You have no idea what you do to me."

Rodney groaned. He thrust against John, hands grasping John's hips tightly. "What are we waiting for, then? Bed, now!" Rodney's voice was thick with arousal and promise.

"Would you just relax, Rodney," John asked, exasperated at what he was tempted to call Rodney's mother hen tendencies. "I'm fine and you don't have to hover, I'll continue to be fine even if you're not right next to me." John loved Rodney, but his nervousness was starting to get oppressing in its intensity. At least Ronon and Teyla were standing quietly near the door, ready to defend them if it became necessary, pools of serenity and calm in John's perception.

The hurt expression on Rodney's face didn't help with the relaxing part of John's preparations. "I'm just trying to help," Rodney said and … was that a pout?

"Stop it," John muttered and let his eyes drift shut again. "I need to concentrate and you're not helping at all. Now go over there," he pointed vaguely into the corner with the console where Rodney had set up his laptop, "and don't speak."

John could hear Rodney's mouth snap shut and footsteps into the direction he'd indicated with rapid typing following immediately. Sinking deeper into the connection to Atlantis, John concentrated on the world that opened up for him now. Nothing felt like this … this being one with everything that the city was and it nearly overwhelmed him as Atlantis showed him the systems, allowing him access directly to the sensor data and the defense systems. The shield felt like a second skin now, snug around his body. For a moment, he was the city, until he got used to the sensation and gently separated himself from it. It was different from before, when he had just been John, but remarkably similar to the one time Tural had sat in the chair. Outposts had nothing on Atlantis, but those were what John had had most experience with ten thousand years ago.

"They're pretty close now," Rodney said and his voice was dimmer than usual, like it was coming from some place far away.

John had already seen them, but they weren't quite close enough yet. "A little longer, Rodney, we don't know the exact range and I'd like to get them all on the first try." Using the internal sensors to check in on the others, John was glad to see their focused activities. It was soothing somehow, not to be alone in this. It didn't take long for the first hive ships to start firing against the shield, but they were spread out too far for John to take action.

"You really think this will work?" Ronon suddenly asked.

The chair rotated, bringing Ronon and Teyla into John's field of vision and he looked at them briefly before closing his eyes again in concentration. "Yes. It'll work. But it'll work better if we get them all before this thing goes on the frizz. Otherwise we'll have to head out there and hunt down any leftovers before they can recoup."

"Thought you were a warrior back then," Ronon said, like that meant he couldn't know about anything else.

"I was a protector," John answered him, knowing full well what Ronon was doing. They were all sick of the waiting. Especially now that every burst of energy that evaporated against the shields was like the bite of an insect, making John want to scratch his arms. "Let's just say I'm really clever and know my way around the sciency bits as well." The last hive ship came that much closer, starting to fire as well. John tensed. "Alright, they're all in firing range now. What do you think, Rodney?"

"I don't know," Rodney said and he sounded terrified.

Breaking concentration for one last time John locked his gaze with Rodney's. "It's alright," he soothed, "it'll be fine." Rodney didn't answer, but the expression on his face said everything. It was his you're-a-moron-but-for-some-reason-I-trust-you-anyway expression. John grinned, then leaned back fully, sinking deeply into the almost trance that had always made him a prime candidate for the chair. The energy levels were a brilliant amber hue to him everywhere he looked, not unlike the color of a ZPM. Atlantis vibrated around him as he activated the weapon and funneled everything he had into it, guiding the massive power blast into the Wraith fleet above them. He watched as every hive the ray touched burst like a bubble of soap leaving him with a rush of elation.

"It's working!" he heard Rodney's crow of triumph through the haze. "Ten … eleven … this is amazing."

It was amazing and through the sensors, it looked like golden rain more than a deadly weapon. Beautiful in its destruction. John remembered fighting the Wraith all his life. So many years, so many lost friends and dead comrades. Wiping them from his skies like this was utterly satisfying.

"Only five left now," Rodney said and John could hear his own happiness mirrored in Rodney's voice. "Three!"

Just then the hive broke apart under the onslaught of energy and John refocused his aim onto the last two remaining hive ships that were hovering closely together. He had started with those furthest away on purpose and neither of these two would make it out of range before … his environment changed from the confident glow of amber to red alarmingly fast. "Fuck," John hissed as he felt the weapon burn out. He could almost smell the parts melting and hear Atlantis keen in pain until he realized it was his own voice, high pitched and anguished. The alarms were blaring and John suppressed everything he felt and saw to focus onto the two last hive ships. He'd barely touched them before the weapon had broken, but there they were, hovering unmoving above them.

They had refocused on Atlantis, firing all out and releasing a mass of Darts that made John's heart constrict painfully.

"John?"

He felt hands on him as he was forcefully pulled out of the chair, away from the connection to the city. Ending up on the floor in front of it, John slowly came back to himself, feeling Rodney's arms around him. His head was pillowed on Rodney's shoulders and he felt a hand rubbing circles on his back.

"It's alright, John, everything's okay," Rodney muttered, over and over again.

John whimpered. His whole body ached and he couldn't move. "Hurts," he tried to say, but it came out as a whine and Rodney held him tighter for it. If he could have, he'd have laughed at his own stupidity. He should have anticipated feeling the catastrophic failure like a physical injury while he was still in the chair. But he hadn't and the shock of it had made it that much worse.

"Doctor Beckett?" He heard Teyla say and struggled to sit up a bit straighter.

"No," he said, "not Beckett." There was nothing the doctor could do anyway. What John was experiencing was mostly psychological anyway. "Minute." All he needed was a little bit of time to recover, a few minutes, just lying there in Rodney's arms, doing nothing but breathing.

"I am sorry to have disturbed you, you are not needed."

Silently thanking Teyla, John allowed his head to sink back down onto Rodney's shoulder and closed his eyes. He could feel Teyla's worry and Ronon's unease, but Rodney's panic was nearly too much to bear and he couldn't block out anything right then. The pain slithered along his nerves, making him shudder again and again. "This sucks," he muttered, but he'd regained enough control over his arms to wrap them around Rodney, holding on for dear life.

"What's going on?" The question was whispered and Rodney probably didn't expect an answer right away. "Are you … are you okay?"

John squeezed Rodney once, then let go of him and pulled back. "Yeah, I'll be fine," he said. "The critical failure just took me by surprise. I've never experienced that first hand and I underestimated the effect it'd have. How long will our shields hold?"

For a moment, Rodney just looked at him, then climbed to his feet and went to the console. "Half an hour … an hour if we're lucky," he said, his brow furrowing with worry. "This isn't good. We lost one ZPM and most of the second one. What the hell happened?"

Holding onto the chair John managed to regain his footing. "I underestimated the power drain we'd experience when the weapon failed," he simply said. Then he laughed depreciatingly. "I didn't even factor that one in. This didn't happen during the test. It did burn out, but there was no energy burst at all. Which was … weird, it shouldn't have …"

"They changed it," Rodney interrupted him. "Minor modifications were made concerning the energy grid. I think that would have done it." There was a defeated, hopeless expression on Rodney's face. John hated seeing him like this.

"Come on," he said and took a staggering step towards the door. "We've got no time to lose, gotta go to the ZPM chamber." Before he could take a second step Ronon had slung an arm around John's waist, keeping him upright. John slumped against him and a moment later Rodney took his right arm and pulled it over his shoulder. "Thanks," John said, relieved at the help, because he had no idea how far he would have gotten on his own. Hopefully he'd be alright by the time they reached their destination. He activated his radio. "Colonel Carter, this is Sheppard. We've got two Wraith ships left, but I think I hit them before the weapon blew out. They seem to be dead weight for now," John reported.

"I know, Colonel Sheppard," she answered immediately, like she'd been waiting for his call, which - admittedly - had probably been the case. "The shield is still up, but we're quickly running out of power and options. I'm going to give the evacuation signal now."

"No," John objected. "Don't do that. I might have an idea." He was still a bit unsteady on his legs, but much better already. At this rate he'd be okay by the time they got there. "Sheppard out," he said, closed the channel and gently disengaged himself from Ronon and Rodney. "I'm alright, I can walk on my own now," he said, then added a quiet 'thanks' for both of them. Running was still a bit beyond him, but he would have done it, if he could have. The alarms were deafening him and they instilled such a surge of anxiety inside of him it made him wonder if his childhood in a besieged city hadn't conditioned him for certain reactions.

To his surprise - and worry - the ZPM chamber was full of engineers, with Samantha Carter in the middle, as if they could do something against the catastrophe that was about to happen. But from the expressions on their faces, John could see they knew differently. It was the same expression John had seen on Rodney's face: defeat. All of them knew what the depletion of the ZPM meant - that they were as good as dead. This time not even Rodney would be able to pull a miracle out of his ass.

Closing his eyes briefly, John came to a decision. It wasn't even a hard decision, but one he had already made a few thousand years ago - he would protect Atlantis and the people in it at all costs. This time was no different. Even though he knew it wouldn't be a pretty sight. Yes, even though he knew that the scientists would be able to put two and two together and come to the right conclusion - no matter if they actually saw anything or not. There was no other choice. No other solution. John took a deep, calming breath. "Rodney, hand me the depleted ZPM, the rest of you, get out," he ordered and all eyes were suddenly on him.

"John, what the …? What are you trying to do?" Rodney asked, looking shocked but no less scared now.

"What I came to do, Rodney. I'm gonna help you guys. I'm going to try and save Atlantis. Right now, we're sitting ducks and you know it. There's no time left. Now hand me that ZPM, or I'll go and get it myself," John answered him shortly and he saw comprehension dawn on Rodney's features.

"You heard the man, get out of here, all of you!" Rodney snapped at the gathered scientists who had been staring open mouthed at the two of them arguing. "Leave the equipment; you can get it later, just get out!" Rodney's patience was clearly running thin and John knew he would try to do anything to keep his secret from getting out.

"Rodney, John, what's going on?" Sam Carter asked from behind them and John had almost forgotten she was still in the room.

"I can't explain right now, we don't have the time," John replied, walking over to where Rodney was about to remove the drained ZPM. Knowing that he would spook Rodney but also knowing he would need help after he was done with his task, John tapped his earpiece. "Carson, do you read? Please respond!"

"Really John what …" Carter began but John ignored her.

"John, talk to me!" Rodney snapped, clearly worried about John calling the infirmary. "What are you going to do?"

"Rodney, I'm going to solve our little energy problem, that's what I'm going to do," John snapped right back, trying to hide his uneasiness. "I will re-charge the ZPM so we can use it to power the shields until I can take out the last hives. It's the only way to save the city. But this body still is pretty much human and won't take that kind of power output lightly. So if you don't want me to ascend again, I suggest you let me call Carson so he can make sure my body survives the incident. Now hand me the damn ZPM." He didn't want to ascend again, didn't want to leave Rodney and Atlantis behind, unprotected.

Beckett's voice crackled in John's ear. "Yes, Colonel, I'm here. What's the problem?" The doctor sounded a little out of breath but otherwise calm and collected.

"I need you to come to the ZPM chamber with a gurney, a few bags of IV-fluids and something to bring down the body temperature after severe overheating. Most probably there will be areas with second to third degree burns, so you might want to bring something for those as well. Don't bother with any narcotics. Sheppard out." John didn't give Carson time to ask any questions and took the ZPM from Rodney's hands.

"Burns?" Rodney asked in a choked voice. He'd gone deathly pale, but released his grip on the ZPM nevertheless.

John took a deep breath, looking Rodney directly in the eyes, directly into the fear he was trying so valiantly to hide. If nothing else, John knew had to take the time to reassure Rodney, knew if the roles were reversed he'd need the same reassurance. He let his face relax. "Rodney, listen to me. This is going to look awful, I know that. But believe me when I tell you that I won't be in pain, alright? I promise. I need you to focus and listen to me carefully. Once I'm done, just tell Carson to treat the dehydration and knock me out for about two hours. Tell him to stay away from the burns and to absolutely not touch anything else. I'll take care of the rest myself, once I'm awake again. That's important, okay? I've changed, I'm not like his average human patient any more and he'll do more harm than good if he tries to fix me. Tell him no more than four bags of IV, no catheter, no conventional burn treatment. I know he'll protest and I know he'll want to do more, but you really have to keep him from doing more harm than good. Do you understand me, Rodney? It's important!" John's voice was pleading. Rodney looked as if he was about to keel over, but he nodded his assent.

"I'll make sure to tell him," Rodney promised in a toneless voice.

Carter, who seemed to have caught on that something huge was going to happen, suddenly spoke up from behind John. "We'll make sure Carson takes good care of you, Tural. Thank you for helping us."

John smiled. She was a pretty smart girl after all. "No problem," John replied over his shoulder before he said, "Stand back, this is going to be a rough ride."

Concentrating on the part of himself that was energy and not restricted by a human body, John gathered himself. He took a second to adjust a few chemicals in his brain, his knowledge about the workings of pain and its origin so much more complex than that of the most advanced human scientists. He hadn't lied to Rodney: he really wouldn't be in any pain. John couldn't and wouldn't risk breaking his concentration by being distracted by the pain of his human hull. Pain was necessary for humans, was good and healthy, a warning tool. To John right now, it was utterly useless and yes, even a hindrance.

That taken care of, John turned his full concentration on the depleted ZPM pushed a steady stream of energy out of his palms and into the fragile tool in his hands. He couldn't go too fast or else not only would his human body overheat enough to falter, he would also risk damage to the delicate mechanisms of the ZPM.

The soft glow of the ZPM in his hands told John it was working and he kept pushing energy at it, slowly but steadily. It was exhausting and John could see the skin of his palms begin to redden and blister so he adjusted his grip slightly as to not drop the ZPM. Somewhere behind him, Carson bustled into the room, asking questions, but John didn't spare him any more thought. This work was delicate as it was and required his complete attention.

After a few more moments, John knew he was almost done and he was grateful for it. He felt tired, exhausted, from pushing so much of himself into the ZPM. Neither his human form nor the ZPM were made for this kind of energy transfer and John was struggling to hold it together. The unmistakable stench of burnt flesh lingered in the air. His body was suffering from a serious case of overheating and right now all that was holding John upright still was his own desperation and his will to see this through. He'd collapse the second the ZPM was recharged.

"Rodney, take it. I'm done," John pressed out through clenched teeth and then Rodney was there, taking the ZPM from him, holding it tight. Keeping it safe. "Don't worry, it's gonna be alright," John tried to assure Rodney before he let go of the tight grip over his body and slipped into unconsciousness.

Sitting there, next to John's bed, Rodney wished he could reach out to John. He wanted to touch, to feel for himself that John was still alive. To Rodney, he looked more dead though, his skin lobster red, his hands carefully wrapped in some sort of gauze that wouldn't stick to his burnt, oozing hands. There were blisters up to his elbows. Every part of John that was visible was painful to look at. Rodney felt strangely detached from his surroundings, the steady beeps of the machinery connected to John the only thing that actually felt real.

Carson had freaked out to say the least. He had come rushing in, just as John had finishing re-charging the ZedPM and he'd been there to catch John's unconscious body before he could hit the ground. Both Rodney and Sam had told Carson what John had asked them to tell, but of course, there had been arguing. Carson had wanted to treat the burns not just take care of fluids and blood chemicals at which point Rodney had lost his temper and yelled at Carson that John was a fucking Ancient and knew his limits better than Carson did.

That had done the trick. But now Carson was moping. Rodney didn't think he had ever seen his friend as pissed off and hurt at the same time. It was obvious to everyone who cared to look that Carson was struggling with the fact that John hadn't trusted him enough to tell him the truth. And that John was - even in his unconscious state - dictating how Carson had to do his job.

Rodney remembered how hurt he had been himself and knew Carson had every reason to be offended. Carson counted John among his friends and not telling something this big was … a betrayal of trust. Rodney had only been kept in the dark for a few short days, for Carson and everyone else it was so much longer. And Rodney knew that knowledge had to be painful even though John's reasons for keeping silent were sound.

Somewhere in the depths of the infirmary, a timer beeped and a moment later Carson appeared beside John's bed, syringe in hand. "The two hours are up; I'm going to wake him now. Just like he ordered," Carson said to Rodney, his displeasure about the situation clearly audible in his voice.

"Thanks, Carson. I know you're convinced this was a bad idea, but he's going to be fine. Trust me, he knows what he's doing," Rodney reassured his friend again when he notice the unhappy look on Carson's face. Carson sighed and emptied the syringe into the canula that was in John's right arm. For a brief moment, Rodney wondered if he sounded as unconvinced and worried as he felt.

"I do trust him, Rodney. It seems that he does not trust me, though," Carson replied, sounding bitter. He discarded the syringe, and checked the monitors that were attached to John's body, busying himself. Rodney suppressed a sigh. It was going to take some serious crawling on John's part to get Carson to forgive him anytime soon.

Slowly, John stirred. "Ow," he whimpered, opening his eyes and blinking into the infirmary lights sluggishly.

"Ow?" Rodney asked, alarmed. Why was John in pain? What was wrong? "You hurt? Why do you hurt? You said you wouldn't be in pain. I clearly remember you telling me you wouldn't be in pain. Did you lie to me? Were you in pain all along?" Rodney asked, frantically. That was a truly horrifying thought. Had John been in pain while he had re-charged the ZedPM? Had he felt it as his skin turned red and blistered, had he been in pain as his flesh burnt?

"When I said I wouldn't be in any pain, I meant while doing it. I didn't say a word about afterwards," John replied petulantly and Rodney felt the urge to throttle him. Damn him and his stubborn heroic streak. Just as Rodney was about to dive into a lengthy rant about how utterly stupid and reckless and heroic and dumb and oh yes, stupid John's actions had been, John's skin lost his unhealthy crimson color. It happened gradually but fast enough to be clearly visible. On the other side of the bed, Carson gasped.

John turned his head, giving Carson a beaming smile. "You did great, Doc. Thanks," he said as he pushed himself upright.

"Colonel, your hands!" Carson exclaimed and caught one of John's now flailing hands in his. John had begun to shake his arms to dislodge the gauze and bandages that were secured at his wrists.

"I'm fine, Carson. See?" He indicated the hand Carson had just unwrapped, the skin whole and unmarked. There was a look of utter shock on Carson's face as he let go of John's hand and watched as John pulled out the canula, unhooking himself from the last running IV.

"You can't just do that," Carson chided, coming out of his stupor. "I need more tests and I need to correct the data I have about you and I need…"

"Carson? Later," John interrupted him, swinging his legs over the edge of the infirmary bed, looking around. "I need my clothes and then there're still two hive ships that have my name on them," he said, grinning as he pushed both of his hands through his hair, tousling it even more than usual. Rodney thought that he looked positively edible, despite the scrubs and the whole 'had-been-burnt-and-unconscious-until-a-second-ago' thing.

"And what name would that be?" Carson asked in a sharp tone, folding his arms in front of his chest.

Something in John's face softened. He looked at Carson for a second before he placed his right hand on Carson's shoulder, squeezing once. "I'm John, Carson. I'm still me. I'm just a little …" he trailed off obviously searching for words.

"He's just a little more," Rodney supplied, repeating the words John had said to him, what felt like a lifetime ago. And it was true. He was still John. Even if he was a slightly … upgraded version. "But believe me, Carson, everything else is just the same. The same stupid, heroic, reckless stunts, the same suicidal tendencies. It would have been too good to be true if we'd gotten a military CO who was actually careful," Rodney went on, trying to lighten the mood.

"You'll be the death of me," Carson groaned and shot John a stern glare. "I expect you back here the moment the crisis is over, are we clear?" he asked and John just grinned his little boy grin.

"Whatever you say, Doc," John answered, already walking towards the door.

For one long, painful moment, Rodney thought John would just go, leaving him behind like he usually did when he was doing stupid things. And John was already half-way out the door before he turned around. He looked at Rodney, head cocked, frowning.

"Are you coming, Rodney?" John asked with an odd mixture of impatience and reluctance. "I still need to get dressed and we haven't got all day."

John didn't really want Rodney to go with him, but he'd promised and John wasn't going to break that promise the first time things got difficult. He hadn't even asked if Rodney would like to stay behind - which had taken quite a lot of willpower, more than John thought he actually possessed. "So I figured we could get close with a Puddlejumper and blow them up with a couple of drones," John said casually as they were both standing before the rear hatch of 'jumper one.

Rodney huffed, crossing his arms defensively. "That's your brilliant plan?" he asked, clearly not impressed by it. Still, he went inside confidently enough and sat down though he kept glaring at John every now and then.

Even knowing what they were getting into, and that there would be talks in the near future, once everything was normal again … talks about John and his reckless nature most likely, John grinned. He slid into the pilot's chair and listened to the hatch closing while he looked at Rodney, who had already pulled up the HUD and was busying himself by checking all the important stats. "I never said it was a good plan," John returned, "but I'm pretty sure it'll work. Which is the important bit."

"They've started repairs already. And they've been moving away from us for the last two hours," Rodney stated, his eyes not wavering from the numbers running over the HUD, but his left hand twitched, like he wanted to reach out or something.

John opened the roof remotely and nodded at what Rodney had said. "Yeah, you said that already. Twice." He cloaked the 'jumper before it lifted off on automatic, then took over and plotted the course to intercept the Wraith ships. "But the point is, they're not gone yet and they're moving slowly. The damage I did must have been pretty bad for them not to stand and fight." Especially as they'd just destroyed most of their fleet.

"If this doesn't work and we get killed I'll haunt you for the rest of your miserable existence," Rodney muttered.

Laughing, John reached out and patted Rodney's knee. "You do that, Rodney, you do that." The way Rodney looked at him was somewhere between annoyed and amused. "Let me show you what a Puddlejumper is really capable of."

"I know what Puddlejumpers can do," Rodney rolled his eyes at John and half turned towards him.

"Oh?" he teased, trying for innocent, but at Rodney's glare, he relented. "There are a few things we haven't figured out yet, but they're pretty cool. You'll love this." He could feel Rodney's curious eyes on him, but explaining everything would be so much harder than just showing Rodney, so John concentrated on the path he wanted to take towards the Wraith ships, evading the Darts that were now targeting Atlantis. There were more of them around than John had anticipated, leading to enough near collisions that John was sweating by the time they reached empty space. "We should be there in a few minutes," John said with satisfaction. He'd dreamed of this moment, had hoped for it since the day the Wraith had become their enemy in Pegasus. They both fell silent for a moment, watching the two hive ships grow bigger and bigger in front of them.

"If you weren't sure this would work, you wouldn't have taken me with you," Rodney said and it wasn't a question, so John chose not to answer. "I really wish you'd stop being so damn overprotective. It was bad enough when you were still … normal," Rodney said, both of his hands forming fists just inside of John's field of vision. "But since you turned into John 2.0 this has gotten worse, and you've got to stop it."

That was - kind of expected actually. John just hadn't thought Rodney would pick now of all times to speak up about it. "John 2.0?" he asked, amused.

"You know exactly what I mean," Rodney snapped. "And stop trying to change the subject. "First, you try to hustle me to Earth - which, by the way, I still feel kind of sore about - and earlier you clearly weren't planning on taking me with you. If you say it was anything but an afterthought that you waited for me, you're lying. And we both know it."

John threw a quick look at Rodney, taking in the tension and the fear on his face. "Rodney, can we talk about this later? You know, later, when we're not approaching two hive ships?" he asked, his own voice sharper than he'd meant for it to be.

"No," Rodney answered forcefully. "No, we cannot talk about this 'later'. There may not be a later. If this thing between us is supposed to work then you have to accept that I'm a grown up and know what I'm doing. You may be the upgraded version, and yes, your job is to protect me, but that doesn't mean you can dictate my life."

Knowing that he was pouting didn't help John in trying to wipe it off his face.

"And don't pout," Rodney's rebuke came immediately. "I want us to be equal."

That last sentence was so pleading and determined that John didn't know what to say. So he concentrated on his flying for a moment. "Rodney," he finally said, "we are equal."

"Yeah, right," Rodney huffed, crossing his arms in front of him, clearly disbelieving.

"What do you want me to say to that, Rodney? I felt the urge to protect you long before I turned into John 2.0 as you put it," John answered. "It's got nothing to do with regaining my memories. And I know you're a grown up and capable of making your own decisions. I'm not trying to take that from you." Rodney snorted and John hurriedly continued, "Really. I just … I'm just feeling that little bit more protective about you right now. I can't help it." He shrugged awkwardly with one shoulder. "Look, give me a couple of weeks to get my shit together. Let's face it, I just regained a whole chunk of memories, then I figured out what Chaya did, then this happened. And I think … maybe you could cut me some slack on the whole 'overprotective' thing for just a bit longer."

Rodney grimaced, but he visibly relaxed, the tension in his shoulders easing and his arms uncrossing. He even reached out to pat John's shoulders awkwardly a couple of times. Then he sighed and said, "Yes, yes you're right."

"Thank you," John said, grateful for small favors. "Now, let's concentrate on our friends here, alright?" He pointed at the hive ships with his chin and then started preparing the drones. "This is something we'd never have found in the database." He concentrated briefly and four drones were released in quick succession, they started rotating around each other at an accelerating velocity and slammed into the first hive at maximum speed.

"Whoa," Rodney breathed beside him and watched with wide eyes as John sent the next quadruple of drones off to take out the last hive ship. "That's massive damage."

John smiled and looked at Rodney. "About the same as a naquadah enhanced nuclear bomb," he said. "I knew you'd like it." They grinned at each other and then John turned the Puddlejumper around to go back home. Now they only had to take care of the Darts, then all of this would finally be over.

John leaned back in his chair, watching the nervous fidgeting of the people around him with mild amusement. The meeting of the senior staff - well, pretty much most of the people who were still on Atlantis - would begin any moment now and John felt calm. Much calmer than Rodney, that much was for certain. Rodney was worried about the IOA, worried that now Samantha Carter had outright witnessed what John was that there would be problems. That Sam would turn him over to the IOA and John would be forced back to Earth and end up as a lab rat for the scientists at Area 51 or the SGC. John had almost laughed out loud when Rodney had voiced those concerns, but had restrained himself.

It was somehow sweet, how much Rodney worried, even though he hadn't yet grasped all the implications of what John's status as a Lantean - an Ancient, meant. Well, neither had the others, obviously, so John really couldn't blame him.

"I think we should start now," Sam said, looking at the assembled people in the conference room. There were Teyla and Ronon, Rodney, Lorne, Zelenka and Sam and, of course, John himself. "Those of you who are not familiar with the circumstances of the re-charge of the ZPM and the destruction of the last two hive ships might have wondered what has happened. Well, I think it is safe to say, that Colonel …" she threw John a quick glance as if trying to estimate that it was right to still call him that and John gave an almost imperceptible nod, "… Sheppard is responsible for the fact that we're all still alive and Atlantis is still intact. As it is," she hesitated, searching John's eyes with her own once again, "I think it would be good if Colonel Sheppard explained a bit about his … mission … and himself, before we go on. John, would you be so kind?" There was something in her voice John couldn't quite name. Relief? Gratitude? Greediness? It was an odd mix and John wasn't sure he wanted to know just yet.

"Thanks, Colonel Carter," John replied, slight sarcasm coloring his words. He had to force himself to use her rank and last name rather than her first name. Ever since John had remembered and re-gained part of his powers, he had caught himself calling her 'Sam'. As if his subconscious had recognized that she wasn't really his superior any more and now he was slipping. Not that it mattered much in the long run, his cover was blown now, anyway.

"Well, I'll try and make a long story short, so I'll just give the facts, if that's alright with you," John began his speech and since it had been a rhetorical question he just continued on. "The statue that zapped me a few weeks back - Rodney and Zelenka were right, it didn't give me any memories. In fact, the memories were already inside of me, from the day I was born. They were packed up tight and secure until the day I would be ready to remember again. Remember who I used to be. The statue really only initiated the process of "unpacking" those memories. It just gave me back what was rightfully mine. About ten thousand years ago, I was a Lantean soldier named Tural Nah. When my people left Pegasus and abandoned the life we had seeded to deal with the Wraith on its own, a few of us were not quite happy with the decision. We thought since we had created that life and were, to a certain extent, also responsible for the Wraith, we should do more. Protect those we had created. But most of my people were not interested in wasting any resources on what they perceived as little more than a school project. They were just interested in saving their own skins." John knew bitterness was audible in his voice, but he honestly couldn't help himself.

"Most of my kind that ascended never looked back. But a small group of us couldn't just accept that attitude of irresponsibility. We couldn't stand by and watch our work being destroyed, the hopes we had had for Pegasus. But there are non-interference rules and so my friends and I had to watch helplessly as the Wraith culled the people we had abandoned, the humans we had created. When it became clear that one day Atlantis would be found and our descendants would return to Pegasus, we decided to take action. We discussed it thoroughly and I volunteered to go back to Earth as a human child, unaware of who or what I was and had been. I'm not entirely human any more now, not since I regained the memories of my former life. I'm not ascended either, though. I'm something else. I'm the one individual that is outside all rules. Neither ascended, nor human. Normal non-interference rules do not apply to me. I'm a more hands on kind of guy, anyway." The last sentence was spoken in his best John Sheppard flyboy voice, hoping it would ease the tension that had settled over the conference room. He knew that was mostly due to the fact that when talking about himself and the life he had led, he sounded less like John and more like Tural, like the person he had been back then.

"My mission here is to protect Atlantis, protect our descendants and make sure you guys stay out of trouble. If I just happened to get rid of the Wraith while I was here that would have been an added bonus. Simply put, I'm the cavalry. Even though I'm the only one here to help. We couldn't risk drawing attention to what we were doing. So, as to how the ZPM got recharged … I did it. I'm made of energy after all, even though this body is still mostly human. I'd rather not do it like this again, though, there are less uncomfortable and dangerous ways to recharge a ZPM," John said matter-of-factly and grinned at Radek's gasp.

"The two remaining hives were taken out the good old fashioned way, with a 'jumper. Let's just say you don't know half of what they can do, or Atlantis," John grinned again, this time at the gleam in Lorne's eyes.

Shrugging his shoulders casually John concluded, "That's the very condensed version. The finer details can wait a little longer I guess." He took a deep breath and lowered his mental shields just a fraction. A lot of hurt feelings, some calm and happiness, some worry and yes, even a fair amount of glee and greed. Nothing he hadn't expected, though.

Sam seemed to gather herself and she smiled at him in a way that could only be described as slightly patronizing. "Thank you, John. Maybe we should discuss now how we're going to handle the situation regarding the SGC and the IOA. I'm sure they will be delighted to learn about you and the knowledge you can give us. You will be such a valuable asset against all threats to Earth, including the Ori, but of course, we would love to keep you as the military leader of Atlantis. I'm sure both the IOA and SGC will agree with me that your cause will be best served here on Atlantis, provided that you agree to work together with them and supply the information they need." She was beaming with excitement and there was the greed John had felt, visible in her eyes now. Well, she was in for a surprise.

"I'm afraid I can't do that, Sam," John began, deliberately ignoring the way her face fell. He kept his voice neutral with just a hint of the regret he felt. John had known he most probably would have to shoot down a few ambitious ideas of hers and other scientists. But he also knew if he didn't establish his position now, right at the outset, they'd walk all over him and his mission would fail. They'd demand more than he could reasonably give. He couldn't solve the problems of both Earth and Atlantis at the same time. And if there was a choice to be made, Atlantis would win out. It was his mission after all, his home, more than Earth could ever be, even though John felt a strong and affectionate connection to their descendants on Earth as well. Otherwise, he wouldn't have agreed to protect them on their journey to the Pegasus galaxy.

Suppressing a sigh, John mentally prepared himself to state some uncomfortable facts to her. "Maybe I've not made myself clear enough but my mission is here in the Pegasus galaxy. Atlantis is my mission. I can't divide my attention between Atlantis and Earth. I can't afford to spend my time and energy on solving problems that are not the problems of Pegasus. I'm really sorry I can't be that for you, but if I did that, I'd fail on both accounts and I'd rather get it right for Atlantis this time." John looked at her calmly, knowing she was upset and hurt. He really was sorry he couldn't help her and be what she wanted him to be. But John was unwilling to risk the success of his mission for her greed or the lust for knowledge of some of the other scientists. No matter how much he liked them.

"The Wraith aren't the only threat to Atlantis and Pegasus and you know it," John went on, his voice still calm and controlled. It wouldn't do for him to sound like he was lecturing her. "We all know it. And right now, we're still the ones with the bigger problems. And quite frankly, I'm not gonna play lab rat for the SGC or IOA and I'm not the answer man. I'm no oracle either. I don't know what will happen in the future, or what we will encounter, but I can tell you one thing, I'll be taking no chances with the safety of Atlantis. I really am sorry, Sam, but I don't think I can do much for Earth. Someone else is watching out for them, though, I promise." John knew his friends had been monitoring Earth since he had been placed there and hadn't stopped doing so just because he had come back to Pegasus.

"You'd refuse?" Sam asked incredulously and John could feel the tension in the room rise another notch. Especially Rodney. He was so knotted up; John would need to give him a massage later on to loosen those cramped muscles. The others remained completely silent, watching the interaction between him and Sam with bated breath. John wasn't sure what to make of their reactions. Sam, however, looked scandalized now. "But you have a duty," she went on glaring at him angrily. "You said it yourself you were raised on Earth. You were human until you came here and your memories were activated. What about the responsibility you were talking about? What about the vow you made to your country, Lieutenant Colonel Sheppard? Are you not honoring your vows any more, now that you are a higher being?" She obviously knew she'd struck low but from the look on her face she didn't really give a damn. She most probably wanted to exploit the fact that he was what she'd called 'a higher being' to the fullest.

"My vows Colonel Carter, are my concern, I believe," John replied coldly. He hated the way she tried to make him feel guilty. The way she tried to force him to do something he couldn't and wouldn't do. "You do realize that I'm not just an American soldier anymore? I'm not just John Sheppard, I'm also Commander Tural Nah, a Lantean soldier. I took an oath, long before I joined the Air Force, long before any of your ancestors were even born. I took a vow to protect Atlantis at all costs, and I mean all costs. If you'll allow me, I will honor both of them. Everything I can do for this expedition and the people here, I certainly will. It's unfortunate you want to make this personal, Colonel, but the only answer I can give you is no. No, I will not agree to the things you have planned on telling the IOA or SGC."

"Well, fortunately, that is not for you to decide. I am still the leader of this expedition and I still formally outrank you, Lieutenant Colonel Sheppard. I will tell the SGC and the IOA whatever I deem necessary. Let them decide how to handle the situation," Sam said, her barely suppressed anger evident on her face and in her voice. She clearly didn't like to be told she couldn't play with what she perceived to be her newest toy.

John closed his eyes briefly at Rodney's shocked gasp. When he opened his eyes again, he had schooled his face into a neutral expression, hating what he was about to do. He had hoped she wouldn't force him to do this, but she really gave him no other choice. Trying to appeal to her one last time, he quietly said, "Please, Sam, don't do this to me. Don't force me to bring out the big guns. Don't force me to threaten you when all I want to do is help."

"Threaten us?" Sam repeated, suddenly looking pale. "But you said you're a protector. You risked your life for Atlantis, for us." She sounded somewhere between scared and angry, glaring at him with a cold look in her eyes. "Are you actually going to hurt the people you claim you vowed to protect? And didn't you say that you're still mostly human? Are you sure we can't harm you? Take you out? Ship you back to Earth whether you like it or not?" Determined now, stubborn and a little smug. John smiled to himself. She really believed that she could take him on if she had to. That whatever weapons they had on Earth or on Atlantis could be turned against him. "I really never thought I had to threaten you to help us. I'm so disappointed in you, John."

John really couldn't believe her naivety. Looking at her, she had to see the pity in his eyes, but he couldn't help it. She was so desperate in her hunger for knowledge that she was deluding herself into thinking that she or anyone of the IOA or SGC had power over him. Gentling his voice, John said, "Sam, I may not be ascended but you saw me recharge a ZPM. Do you really think I'm weak? Do you really believe that this is the best I can do? Just because I had to push the limits of my human body a bit to release that amount of power doesn't mean I can't protect myself properly." John kept his voice even and calm. He didn't need to raise his voice, didn't need to use a sharp tone. His words would be enough to get his message across.

"And there's something else." John went on. "Sam, think about it. I'm a Lantean. I'm what you humans call an Ancient. What do you think will happen if I claim Atlantis for my own? She's mine. My home. My responsibility. What do you think would happen if I demanded you go back to Earth? Just hand her over to me and leave? And even if you refused, I could make sure none of you can ever access her again. All it would take is one single command from me and she'll be completely useless to any of you," John wasn't bragging, he was stating facts. Facts she either had chosen to ignore or simply hadn't considered at all.

"You may think you can order me around or make me do things I really don't want to do, but that's where you're wrong. I've chosen to be one of you. I'm choosing to obey your orders. Since I got my memories back, I could have done a lot of things you wouldn't like, but I didn't," John told her patiently. "I didn't, because I didn't want to. I like you. All of you. You're my family now. My friends. I don't want that to change. Please don't try to threaten me." John caught Rodney's eyes and the wonder, the revelation on his face at what John had just said sunk in was just incredible to watch. Rodney was genuinely happy that John was safe on Atlantis and that no one would be able to take him away against his will. That look alone had been worth the whole ordeal.

"I'm not trying to threaten you when I ask you to honor your vows. Vows you don't even deny you took. The people of Earth need your knowledge. We have a right to it. We're your descendants. We're why you're here. And I will not have you withhold information that could be vital to the survival of Earth and Atlantis. I will talk to the IOA and the SGC and I'll advise that you should stay here and remain the Military leader of Atlantis, but I am not willing to outright lie to them about the things you could to for us. Be for us. I'm sorry that you can't understand that. I guess we will just have to take our chances and deal with your … petulance … like we would with any service member who disobeys orders," she gave John a hard look before she lowered her gaze to her hands that were folded on the table. John felt almost sorry for her. She really didn't know what she was doing. She couldn't comprehend the harm she would do. She couldn't imagine the consequences if the SGC and IOA really forced his hand.

"Gentlemen, we will go over the status reports of the different departments at a later time. For now, I believe I have a report to give. If you would please excuse me." She looked at Radek, Carson and Rodney pointedly, shooting down Rodney's obvious attempt to protest with a glare and a "I said later, Rodney."

John suppressed a sigh. Things were going to turn nasty pretty soon, of that he was sure. He just hoped he wouldn't lose the people he called his friends over this mess. Sometimes John wondered how many sacrifices were too many.

He watched the doctors mutely pack up their things and rise, while Ronon was still sitting in his chair, arms crossed in front of his chest, looking murderous. Even Teyla's long-suffering patience had been put to the test, if the look on her face was anything to go by. All of them had been silent throughout the meeting, more silent than John was used to. But he couldn't blame them. Sam was in a mood and it was perfectly clear that she was not going to change her mind. Not for John and not for anyone else. Opposing her would serve nothing but make her even angrier. And in the end, she'd be the one to call the shots anyway. She was the leader of the expedition. The decision was hers.

Lowering his barriers slightly, John was a little surprised that besides anger, there was grim determination in all of his friends. He would like to think it was in sympathy for him. With a last glance at Sam, who wasn't meeting anyone's eyes, John left the room. There was nothing more he could do now.

As the doors to the conference room closed behind him, John found himself surrounded by his team and his friends. "Colonel, we need to talk to you," Radek said, looking angrier than he had during all the conference. "We need to discuss what to say to IOA and SGC in our reports and how to make sure they do not get their hands on you, ano?"

"Come on, we can talk in the infirmary. The Colonel promised me some tests anyway. Didn't you?" Carson asked pointedly and John grinned. The way it looked, Carson had already halfway forgiven him. Seeing Sam's reaction to finding out who and what John was had most probably made Carson realize just why John had been reluctant to tell anyone.

"Yeah, I guess I did, Doc," John replied, grinning a bit. His friends would stand by him. They wouldn't abandon him to fight alone against whatever Sam, the IOA and the SGC had planned. That thought warmed John more than he had ever thought possible.

The End.