Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

He’s twelve and it’s pitch black, the songs of midnight beetles singing as he sniffles and hides his eyes into the crook of his elbow. Yamaguchi had always hated the dark, what little kid didn’t. But tonight was different. It was loud, the dark, yelling at him, taunting him and Yama feels the bones beneath his skin shivering.

Why was he here? Why was he so stupid as to believe the words of the same kids that had been bullying him for years? Why was he so pathetic….

Yama cries a little harder and rattles the cuffs locked around his wrists, the sound of metal on metal as he tries to wiggle free like something out of a B-Horror film.

“My dad is a cop, he let me borrow these,” Yuri had told him. “Wanna try them on? We’ve all done it!”

First red flag. His father was not a cop. 

Yama stares at the shiny, heavy cuffs with awe. He loved crime stories, they were his favorite genre to read, to write, to get lost within. Reading crime novels made him feel like a detective, made him feel smart. But right now...he knew he was being anything but smart as he smiles and nods, holding out his hands.

The two boys behind Yuri, Johnny and Timur, chuckle, punching each other with tiny balled fists and Yama knows that this is the next red flag. But he’s too excited. Handcuffs, cops, rebellion, at this moment, he was apart of it all and he was thrilled….daring even.

Yuri smiles then and slaps one cuff around Yama’s left wrist.

It’s tight.

It hurts.

Then Timur and Johnny sprint for him, holding Yama’s arms behind his back as they drag him to the playground. Yama is confused, but nervously giggles to ty to act tougher than he is. They drag him, closer, closer until they reach the monkey bars and around the largest pole, the three poles rope him around and cuff Yama’s other wrist, locking him to the pole and all confidence Yamaguchi had vanishes as he stares at the cuffs.

Locked. Tight. Painful.

He looks up at Yuri, the boy cross-armed and grinning, and tries to control the pout hanging from his bottom lip.

“What’s with the puppy eyes?” hisses Yuri. “I’m only putting you where you belong! Locked up, like the mutt that you are!”

All three boys laugh. Yama bows his head.

His life story was no secret, it never had been. He was the baby abandoned at the station, the golden child, the mystery kid! When Yamaguchi was found twelve years ago, left at that police station, he was an instant New York Headline Sensation, a thing of wonder and confusion and disgust. But that didn’t stop the system from turning him into what every other parentless child in the system was: an orphan, a piece of property, a nobody with no one and nothing to his name.

But Yamaguchi was surviving, living, keeping up with school and his studies and activities, just like he had always promised himself that he would. He wouldn’t be some drop out orphan, he wouldn't waste his life just because some low life decided he wasn’t worth the time to take care of. No, he was determined to make something for himself. But until then, he knew he was destined to bounce from home to home, shelter to shelter, just buying his time until he was eighteen.

But until then….he was here, handcuffed to a pole on a playground in the middle of Central Park in September and he wants to die.

Yuri kicks at the sawdust, splashing wood chips into Yama’s face before all three boys laugh once more, applauding themselves, and then grab their small flashlights and leave.

They leave.

They leave him alone and now, an hour later, the loudness of the dark is almost piercing, suffocating. But he knows that he only has himself to blame for being so trusting….always, too trusting. And so Yama drops his head into his arm and cries, falling asleep to the sound of his sniffling and the midnight beetles that kindly stay to keep him company.

***

There’s a hand on his shoulder. How long was he asleep for?

Like a bucket of cold water, reality slaps him and Yama jolts awake beneath the cuffs.

The boy above him doesn’t waver, doesn’t twitch or flinch or cower. No, his face, stone cold and solid, straight, beautiful, only stares down at Yama with a baffled expression, which he can only read from the width of the boys eyes as he stares at the handcuffs.

Yama is shaking, eyes locked with the tall, skinny boy who stands above him. The boy is blonde, ashy blonde, his hair disheveled and hectic atop his head. But it’s his cheekbones that catch Yama’s attention; knives carved into the hollowed lines of the boys cheeks and again, the word beautiful floats back into his mind as they continue to glare at each other. The glare isn’t dangerous or hazardous but simply watchful, curious, and maybe more on Yamaguchi’s part but….awe-struck.

The tall boy swallows and scratches at the back of his long neck before kneeling before Yama. His knees pop. Yama, out of protection for himself, inches away.

The boy lifts his hands in surrender. Once Yama settles, he clears his throat. “Are you a criminal?”

Yama takes a second to process the question. “Um...no, no. I’m not.”

“You’re handcuffed.”

“Um, well, yes.”

The boy’s thin eyebrows lift. His face is still solid and a little cold. “Only criminals wear handcuffs.”

Yama wants to laugh at his naive statement. This boy has not walked the streets of New York alone at night. He would know handcuffs are for many types of people if he had.

“I’m not a criminal.”

“A criminal would say that.”

Jesus, okay, he may be beautiful, but stubborn for sure.

“What about you? What are you doing in the middle of Central Park at night, huh?”

The boy only shrugs. “I’m taking a walk.”

Yama can only roll his eyes at the brush off.

“Are you twelve?”

Yamaguchi nods.

"I'm twelve.”

He nods again.

“If you’re not a criminal,” he says, reaching out and tugging on the handcuffs. Yama winces from the pain and the boy immediately draws back. “Why are you here?”

Yama looks away and blinks away the tears coming to his eyes. “Because I was stupid.”

“I don’t-”

“I was stupid, alright? I was stupid and wanted to believe that maybe I could make friends but instead...I’m here.”

The boy’s stretched lips finally reveal his shock as they part and shiver. “You...someone did this to you, on purpose?”

Yamaguchi nods.

“I’ll help you,” says the boy as he drops to his knees and pulls the backpack off from his shoulders. Yama watches the boy dig through slim books about dinosaurs and science and Yama smiles to himself before the boy finally pulls out a small pocket knife.

Yama panics. “H-Hey!”

“It’s only a swiss army knife, settle down,” the kid coos, switching through all the different options before he comes to something that looks like a slim pole. He moves, crawling until his chest is pressed up against Yama’s side, poking at the lock on the cuffs and Yama can’t help but examine the boys smell.

It’s chocolate but not a sweet smell. Dark chocolate, maybe something with sea-salt and caramel. It’s bitter. Yama knows that smell distinctly. He’s been tossed around from one drunk foster father to the next. He knows the smell of beer.

But why would a twelve year old smell like beer and dark chocolate?

His traveling thoughts are halted by the sound of the lock clicking and the boys skinny fingers reach down to peel off the cuffs. Yama sighs as they fall to the ground. His arms drop from exhaustion as he sighs and leans against the pole. The metal is cold and it feels amazing against the nervous sweat painted on his cheeks and forehead. Tsukki’s hasn’t moved, his hand rested on Yamaguchi’s shoulder while Yama catches his breath, relaxing, and Yama can tell that the boy is acting far different than before; not as cold, or scrutinizing.  

Yama finally looks up, up into eyes of golden hazelnut and something in both of them twitches, Yamaguchi can see it, feel it; the flinch in the tall boys brow as their eyes connect, the heat flooding his cheeks, the tightening of his hand on Yama’s shoulder. Yama swallows and forces himself to look away, afraid he may go blind from just how stunning the boy is.Then the tall boy is standing, dragging Yama to his feet. He’s been kneeling for hours, his knees give way as he gets to his feet and he tumbles over dramatically into the boys chest, whimpering.

The boy's arms wrap tightly around his waist. It’s comfortable, he’s comfortable.

Yama feels safer than he ever has before in his entire life.

The boy scoffs. “It’s alright, I got ya,” he speaks flatly but still, the words churn something hot in Yamaguchi.

Yama looks up and grins. “T-Thank you,” he says, slowly peeling away from the boy and both of then shuffle awkwardly at the strange situation. “My name...it’s Yamaguchi.”

Finally, the boy’s lips fail him and a small sideways grin washes between his cheeks. “Japan?”

He doesn’t know. “I...I don’t know.”

The boy only nods. He doesn’t prod. Yama appreciates it. “Well, I am. I was, we moved here when I was seven.”

Yama nods.

“I’m Tsukishima.”

Yama smiles and he can see that the boy is taken back. It makes Yama blush. “It's….cold, maybe we should-”

“Where do you go to school?”

Yama wraps his arms around himself, rubbing at his raw wrists. “The elementary school, on Jefferson.”

“Are you kidding? Me too. How come-”

“I keep to myself,” he swallows.

He only goes when his health allows him, or when he’s not being transported to another foster home.

Only six more years, he thinks to himself.

Tsukishima looks puzzled, looks as if he’d like to ask more questions. But it’s like Tsukishima has known Yama all of his life and so he doesn’t push any further, he doesn’t try to make Yama any more uncomfortable than he already is.

“Well, whoever it is that did this to you, if they try to do it again...find me.”

Yama’s lips part. “Y-Yeah, yeah. I will.”

Tsukishima takes a step forward then and lifts one of Yama’s wrists. He looks at the wounds then back to Yama. “Clean these before you go to sleep.” Yama nods. “Good.” He drops Yama’s wrists. “It was nice meeting ya, Yamaguchi,” he says as the boy salutes and then spins on the balls of his heels, back towards the sidewalk.

But before he can vanish, Yama finds his voice. “Yama!”

The boy stops and turns back slowly to face Yamaguchi. “What?”

“You can call me Yama.”

The boy think it over for a second then holds up a thumb. “Yama, it is.”

He salutes again, turns back and that’s the last time Yamaguchi sees Tsukishima for another three years.

***

THREE YEARS LATER

It was the last day of his last year as a middle schooler. In only four months, Yamaguchi would be a freshman in high school, going to one of the best schools known in the city for Volleyball and he couldn’t wait.

He couldn’t wait to start somewhere new, somewhere away from the eyes of all the stupid kids he had come to know and grow only slightly taller than over the past three years while in school. Yuri, Johnny and Timur sat only a few rows behind him now on the stage where they sat, waiting to get their pointless, middle school diploma’s. Yamaguchi never understood it, middle school diplomas. High school mattered, yes. College mattered, of course, but middle school?

He just didn’t see the need.

But today served a different purpose. He was only here today for one reason.

The principle reads through the names of the adolescent graduates and Yamaguchi waits, listening closely for the moment he had been waiting for for three years now. Jefferson middle was not a small elementary school, you know, the kind like you see in the movies. In his grade alone, there were over 2,000 kids, almost 3,000 and with all the grades combined, in the entire school altogether, there were almost 10,000 kids. So, as strange as it sounds, he never found it too odd that over the past three years, he never again, not once, saw Tsukishima again.

But today was the day. Tsukishima’s name would be read before his own, he assumed, that was if Tsukishima was even his real name...or if he was even a real person at all. Some small part of Yama had always maybe believed that he had possibly made up the events of that night in the park. Not all of it of course. No, the handcuffs had been very real. But Tsukki? He had been more like a perfect dream, a guardian angel, maybe?

But three years had passed and never, not one day, did he not think of Tsukishima. He searched, he went back to the park, walked it at night, even close to the playground (a sad, silly fear of his) and never once did they cross paths again.

But today, if any, would be the day.

The principle continues to drag on:

Yuri Christian

Patrick Dowser

Tobio Kageyama

Amanda Edmond

Sarah Hamilton

Timur Jackson

Hinata Shouyou

Johnny Pinkman

And finally….

Tsukki.

“Tsukishima Kei,” calls the principle and Yamaguchi is on his feet, searching, eyeing the crowd until finally, a tall, very tall, lengthy body shuffles into the aisle. Right past him blows that same, familiar smell he couldn't forget even if he wanted to: dark chocolate and beer. Yama falls back into his seat as he watches Tsukishima make his way to the podium.

Tsukishima shakes hands with the principle, barely smiling and turns back to get his picture taken. He’s just as stunning and stonewalled as Yama remembers. He’s much taller, shoulders broad and massive, and his legs beneath him are sturdy. His hair, that same ashy blonde, is combed back and it somehow looks strange on him. Not bad, just not what he remembers and it makes Yama smile.

He watches Tsukishima closely, eyeing his every move, desperate to get his attention as he makes his way back to his seat and it works.

Oh, it works , because dead center in the middle of the aisle, Tsukishima catches Yama’s eye and freezes, arms falling to his side as Tsukishima’s lips part and his eyes, hidden behind thick framed glasses, widen inside of his skull. Yama wants to cry at the fact that he’s real and that he obviously remembers Yamaguchi. But before he can do anything or even dare to speak, the principle is calling the next name and it snaps Tsukishima back to reality, dragging his feet as he tears his eyes away from Yama to go back to his seat.

Yama follows Tsukki with his eyes until his neck can turn no further and finally slumps deep into his seat, ignoring the odd glances from the kids who sit around him. He could care less about them, about anything, about any worry or care in the word.

Tsukishima was real and he was here and he remembers Yama.

He smiles and drowns in his happiness until the ceremony concludes.

An hour and a half later, the damn ceremony finally ends and Yama is running, pushing past kids, past Yuri and Johnny and Timur because at the moment, no one matters but Tsukishima. He rips off the stupid graduation cap, allowing it to be trampled by small feet, searching and straining through the hordes of middle schoolers. He had to find him, he finally found him, he couldn’t lose him again.

He makes his way outside, submerged in a large crowd of smiling parents taking pictures and kids acting foolish for their cameras and just as he’s about to open his mouth to try calling for him, a hard squeeze grabs onto his bony shoulder and he spins to find Tsukishima towering above him, eyes piercing down into Yama’s. His eyes are just as golden and breathtaking as Yama remembers. His body is leaner now too, not as loose and stretched out and his skin isn’t as pale. They’re in a trance, glued together in their own personal bubble and it’s only when Tsukki shuffles his feet does he realize how close they are….and that Tsukishima’s hand is resting against his neck.

Yama is breathing….heavy, and his heart is drumming against the rattling bones of his rib cage. He swallows and eyes the hand Tsukki holds against his neck. That draws Tsukki away and Yama slaps himself mentally for ruining the moment. But Tsukishima doesn’t move far. In fact he steps closer and Yamaguchi has to take a deep breath.

“I found you,” he whispers and Yama could bet money that he was no longer breathing.

“Y-You’ve been looking for me…”

Tsukki pants and his chest, large, engrossed, incredible, pushes up against Yama’s. “Everyday.” Yama shakes his head and cracks a shocked grin before dropping his head. But it doesn’t hang for long as he feels soft but calloused fingers gently lift his chin and now, he’s staring back at Tsukishima. “Tadashi.”

“What?”

“You’re name...you never told me it was Tadashi-”

“I just….I never really liked my name. Yamaguchi always sounded better.” Yama allows himself to lean gently into Tsukki’s hold, into his flesh, into his touch. “Kei, huh?”

Tsukki grins. It seems like maybe it’s an easier motion for him now than it was back then. He’s relaxed, still stoic but relaxed. Yama is gripping tightly onto the front of Tsukki’s polo, terrified to let go and lose him again. Tsukki breaks the silence and gasps, then digs deep into his pocket and pulls out a phone. “I-I need your number.”

Yama feels pathetic. Like hell he could afford a phone yet, he lived in a damn homeless shelter for Christs Sakes. “I….don’t have one.”

Tsukki looks baffled. “Oh.”

“Yeah-”

“Well, where are you going to high school? I….” he pauses and inches closer. Now Yama really can’t breathe. “I found you, I want to stay in touch.”

Yama smiles, blushing dangerously. “I’m going to Karasuno, they have a great-”

“Volleyball program.”

Okay. Yama has officially died. “Yeah? What, you...play?”

“Everyday for the past three years. I had to join a sport in middle school, I’m assuming you did too. But I hated the team here at school so my brother found me a team at the YMCA. It’s decent, they have great coaches.”

“I played here,” whispers Yama. “I love it.”

Tsukki’s smile is wide and….fuck, breathtaking. “What position?”

“Well...to be honest, as much as I love the game, I’m not too great. I really only applaud myself where my serves are involved.”

“So you’re a server?”

Yama nods.

“Yama, that’s awesome!”

It’s the first time he’s said his name and Yama is tossed backwards a bit by how lovely it sounds coming from Tsukishima. “I’m guessing you're a net blocker?”

Tsukki blushes and it’s adorable. “What gave it away?”

Yama giggles and Tsukki watches intently. Yama goes to his tiptoes, still inches away from the top of Tsukki’s head. “I’m not sure, maybe the height.”

“Ah, I see.”

They stand together, close, basking in the warm, comfortable silence hovering between them. Yama is still clutching Tsukki’s shirt. He wants to rest his head against his chest, wants to be closer to him. “I missed you, Tsukki.”

Tsukishima chuckles above him. “Tsukki?”

Yama stands back up and covers his face. “Oh, I’m sorry. It’s uh...well-”

“I like it. It’s easier, I guess, huh?” Yama nods slightly. Tsukki runs his slender fingers through Yama’s hair. “Well then, Yama with no phone,” he jokes and Yama rolls his eyes. “Do you have plans right now? Because this ceremony was pointless and I need pizza. I know a great shop, if you’d like to join me?”

His brain was exploding beneath his skull. He can barely fathom a nod but he does, and Tsukki smiles into his teeth.

Okay, maybe the ceremony was all that pointless after all.

***

“This pizza is….”

“To die for, right? I know. It’s the best in Manhattan if you ask me.”

“Deep dish in New York though?”

“Yeah but they take it to a whole new level. Wanted to prove they knew pizza better than Chicago!”

Yama giggles as he wipes the grease off his face. “Well, I think they won.”

He takes another bite. Another, trying to remember the last time he ate something so….homemade. He drowns in the flavors, the cheese melting against his tongue, the burn of the pepperoni, the sausage, the dough taped to the roof of his mouth. He was so used to pre-packaged meals; meatloaf in a box, rice, dry chicken, foggy water. But never greasy, cheesy, protein packed pizza. He savors each bite, not thinking about how in the world he’s going to pay for it.

“So,” Tsukki interrupts his thoughts. “It's been three years. Catch me up.”

“Well, I already told you, I play volleyball-”

“Yeah, and that’s one bit of information. I want to know more,. It’s not like we were really able to talk that night at all.”

Yeah, Yama is very aware. He’s kicked himself at least three times a day for not keeping Tsukki around longer that night in the park.

“Well, I like to read.”

Tsukki chuckles. “Yeah, I could have guessed that from all the torn up books in your bag,” Tsukki points to the large duffle by Yama’s side. “What do you like to read?”

Yama beams at this question. It’s not one he’s asked often. “Well, my favorite genre is crime novels. They make me feel smart, you know, when I can guess who the killer is.”

Tsukki bites at his lip as his smile grows. “Keep going, I’m fascinated!”

“N-No, I’m talking too much.”

“Yama, I can’t get you to talk enough. Please, I...I missed you. I missed the chance to learn who you are, and more than anything, I wanna know who you are.” Yama is blushing again, to the point where it’s almost painful. “Please, keep going.”

“Well, history. I like history, so historical fiction is always fun.”

“How many books do you read a week?”

“Hmm, if I’m lucky enough, maybe four.”

Tsukki’s lips part. “Four books a week?”

“Y-Yeah? Is that weird?”

“It’s….impressive.” They both laugh. “What else? How was school for you?” Yama freezes, the air around them slightly heavier. “Yama?” He thinks of Yuri and Johnny holding his head under the water in the bathroom. He thinks of all the times he was locked in the closet in the gym. “Yama, did that situation...did it get any better?”   

Yama wants to lie and say yes but to Tsukki, how could he ever lie to Tsukki? “No….not really.”

Tsukki leans forward. “What?” he growls. Yama points to the freckles on his face. “Freckles? Yeah, they’re perfect, what about em’?”

Yama is hot, burning up as he drowns in the word Tsukki just spoke. “Perfect?”

“Yes, Yamaguchi. Perfect. What, did those assholes say otherwise?” Yama drops his head. There’s a warm hand on his arm and he jumps. “Yama, are they still hurting you?” Yamaguchi stays quiet. “What the hell, I told you to find me-”

“I tried!” he yells, covering his mouth with both his hands. “I-I’m so sorry.”

“No, it’s okay.” Tsukki shovels his hands through his hair. “I wanted to be there for you...I had no idea, I never saw you again.”

“It’s fine, Tsukki.”

There’s a pause. “Why didn’t you fight back?”

Yama scoffs. “Please, and go up against Yuri Christian, the golden child of one of the biggest clothing designers in New York? Not me, not the mutt,” he mutters.

“Wait, Yuri? He’s the one….what about Johnny and Timur? Them too-”

“Okay, how do you see them but never me!”

“Yama, that’s beside the point. I know those guys….I….” he coils his hands into solid fists and Yama watches him carefully. “Son of a bitch, those...bastards.”

“Tsukki, it’s okay.”

“It’s not okay. How could I have never noticed?”

“It’s been a weird three years, yeah?”

Tsukki just shakes his head, biting hard at the insides of his cheeks. He looks back to Yama. “Why did you call yourself that?”

“Call myself what?

“The mutt?”

Okay, he must be fucking with Yama. There’s no way he didn’t know. He assumed everyone in New York knew but...

“Come on, really?”

“What?”

“Like you honestly don’t know?”  

“Yama, what are you talking about?”

He...doesn’t know.

He doesn’t know about the headlines, about the nickname, about why Yuri had chained him to that pole that night in Central Park.

He doesn’t know who Yama is….

Yama refuses to let him find out. He pulls out his paper made wallet and tosses three bucks on the table. “I’m sorry, it’s all I have,” he says, moving from the booth.

Tsukki is moving too. “Wait, wait! What’s happening, where are you going?”

“I’m leaving. I’m sorry I don’t have more money to give you-”

“Yama!” There’s a hand on his arm. He's hauled into Tsukki’s chest. Tsukki peer down into him, brushing away the messy strains of Yama’s hair out of his watery eyes. “Yama, hey. Let me in, keep me close, pleas .  I’ve been looking for you for three years!”

“No, no! I...you can’t now. You can’t, I can’t do this…”

He tries to pull away but Tsukki is strong, far stronger than he is and he pulls Yama back to him. “Please, at least tell me where I can find you?”

“Nowhere, you can find me nowhere-”

“Tadashi, please!”

That’s the last straw. He pulls away and now, they’re at a standstill, huffing and glaring at each other. Yama sniffles and wipes at his nose with the back of his sleeve. “I’ll...see you in four months.”

Then he spins and hurries off, running from the pizza shop and leaving Tsukki in the dust behind him, crying until he falls into his cot back at the shelter.

***

Tsukki shuffles into the kitchen, book bag hung over his left shoulder. He’s exhausted, from chasing after Yama, from begging, from calling his name. He’s exhausted from searching and then getting his hopes up only to have them squashed again in an instant.

It’s dark now, late, so he doesn’t expect to find his mother still in the kitchen cooking. It smells like lasagna and that at least makes him perk up a bit. He walks up behind her after throwing his book bag on the table.

He kisses her cheek. “Hey, Ma.”

“Kei,” she sings, kissing him back. “You’re back late.”

“I got held up with some friends, sorry I didn’t call you.”

“You’re fine, sweetheart.”

It’s too quiet in the house. “Where’s dad?”

She sighs. “He’s...still out.”

“With Rich?”

“Kei,” she warns.

“What?” he says, grabbing a small tomato off the cutting board and falling into a chair at the table. “It’s more like common knowledge now rather than a guess.”

“He’s still your father. We don’t make assumptions-”

“Did you get a call today?”

He needed to change the subject. The topic of his father only made his blood boil. But as soon as he speaks, he regrets his topic of choice.

His mom stills and the sound of her voice cracking kills Tsukki. “No.”

Tsukki sighs. “Ma, I’m sorry-”

“I know you miss him,” she whispers.

“Of course I do,” he says, leaning against his arm on the table.

“He’ll be home for Christmas, I’m sure of it.”

Tsukki was not sure of it. Not at all.

There’s a loud pound as the front door is slammed open and shut and his mother jumps, yelping, dropping the knife on the floor. Tomato sauces spills on the tiles and Tsukki sprints to grab a paper towel before his father walks in and sees-

“What the fuck, Kathleen…”

Tsukki is on his hands and knees, about to wipe up the mess. His teeth are clenched. His fists are balled beneath him.

He’s ready.

“I...you scared me, I dropped the knife-”

“Get that shit cleaned up,” he growls, walking over to Tsukki’s mother. He pulls her into his chest and grabs her chin forcefully. He kisses her, hard, and Tsukki forces himself to look away. His father looks down at him. “Did I fucking stutter, get that shit cleaned up, you son of a bitch-”

“Rin, please-”

His father spins to Tsukki’s mother and slaps her hard. Tsukki screams as he leaps to his feet and charges, but his father is larger and faster than he is.

He spins and punches Tsukki in the mouth.

His mother screams.

Tsukki falls to the floor, right into the tomato sauce.

“That’s what I thought,” mutters his father as he grumbles and stomps from the kitchen. “I’m starving, hurry the fuck up.”

Tsukki looks up at his mother whose cheek is now bruised and whose eyes are wet with tears. He forces himself to smile up at her. She only sniffles and helps him to his feet. He hugs her and she hugs him back.

Tsukki closes his eyes as they hug.

Maybe Yama was right to run from him.

TWO

FOUR MONTH LATER

2011

His first day of high school started just as Yama had always expected. He’s in the lunch room, alone at a corner table in a room filled with kids who already know their place in this school, kids who already have their groups to fall back on.

He wonders what group Tsukki is in.

Tsukki was all he thought about all summer. He had gone back to that pizza shop a dozen times, always trying to look for Tsukki, to apologize, but he was never there. Their paths never crossed and Yama was beginning to think that maybe their paths weren’t as entwined as he would have hoped them to be.

He picks at the squashed mashed potatoes on his plate, tugging at the tight collar on his flannel, right as someone above him clears their throat and without even looking up, he knows that it’s Tsukki. His eyes pan upwards to meet those beautiful golden eyes he’s missed so much over the past three months and by some miracle...Tsukki is even taller, even broader, even toner...and Yama is done for.

“T-Tsukki...”

Tsukki ignores him as he sits across the small table from Yama silently, going about rearranging the food on his tray. He doesn’t look at Yama, but Yama doesn’t stop looking at him. This silence is not like the comfortable silence he was familiar with when Tsukki was around. This one was stuffy, awkward, and Yama hated it because it was all his fault that they were like this now.

Minutes pass until Tsukki looks up. “It is okay for me to sit here right? You’re not going to bolt again?”

Yama swallows and looks away. “No. I won’t.”

Tsukki nods.

Yama takes a bite of his potatoes.

“How was your summer?”

Yama looks to him. “Long. Yours?”

“I worked all summer. So, long.” There’s a pause. “You’re going to tryouts tonight, right?”

Volleyball. Yes, he was. “Y-Yeah.”

“Good.”

Yama, beside himself, smiles trying to ignore the awkwardness. “I’m nervous.”

“Don’t be. I’ll be there.”

Yama sighs and finally look directly at his friend. “Tsukki-”

“I’m here now.” That shuts Yama up. Tsukki is gripping his tray so tightly, Yama can hear the plastic whining. “You can run from me, try to hide things from me, you can even hate me if you want. But I’m here now. I found you and I’m here and I’m not going anywhere and I swear to god, I will make sure you are safe.”

Yama can’t breathe properly. Tsukki pushes his tray aside and reaches across the table for Yama’s hand and Tadashi, surprisingly, allows him to take it. “Tsukki, I’m okay-”

“Yeah, and you’re going to stay that way. I...you can’t run...I don’t think I can handle it.”

Yama tilts his head and watches Tsukki’s every move. “Can’t handle what?”

“I can’t handle….watching you walk away from me again.”

Tsukki squeezes Yama’s hand and it takes everything inside of him not to lean down and kiss Tsukki's hand, to kiss him everywhere...to kiss him….

To kiss him?

To kiss him, yes, Yama has always wanted to kiss him.

But he swallows back those emotions, those thoughts that terrify him, as Tsukki squeezes his hand once more and goes back to devouring his food. And Yama follows in pursuit.

At least these mashed potatoes are free of bugs.

***

It’s the last class of the day. He’s in the gym locker room, slipping into his practice clothes. Today were the tryouts for joining the volleyball team and Yama wasn’t lying when he said that he was nervous. He looks in the mirror, at his freckles, at his face, at his skinny arms and legs.

He thinks of Tsukki, of his height and his build and his muscles….he’s probably an amazing volleyball player, packed with speed and height and stamina and Yama...well, he could serve. He could always serve, serves that always gained whatever team he played on a point. He wasn’t proud of much about his life, or himself, but he was proud of his serves.

He leans down and splashes water onto his cheeks when the door behind him swings open and in runs a short kid with bright—no, NEON orange hair—bouncing atop of his head as he walks in dancing, headphones plugged into his ears. He’s singing, out of breath from running as it seems, some upbeat song, probably Andy Grammer if Yama can hear the tune right, and he smiles, pushing aside his nerves.

The kid doesn't notice him as he walks over to a locker and starts to undress, still plugged into his music.

There’s no way this kid is trying out for volleyball, right?

Right after runs in another kid. Midnight black hair, tall, almost as tall as Tsukki, and almost as handsome. Almost. But he’s a bit scarier than Tsukki. His eyes wash over to Yama.

Okay, no, he’s far scarier than Tsukki. Holy shit.

Those charcoal eyes slide to the orange haired kid as the tall boy growls and walks over to the locker. He slams his fist against the metal and both Yama and the kid jump.

The kids pulls his headphones out. “HA! I beat you!”

“You cheated, dumbass,” the tall boy growls, inching closer to the kid. Yama feels like maybe he should do something but…

“What, I wouldn’t have taken the King of The Court to be such a sore loser!” he chirps and Yama is impressed by how well this kid can hold his own.

The kid cringes at the nickname. “Again. You cheated. That doesn’t make me a sore loser, that only makes me feel like the bigger person.”

The kid scoffs. “Well, you definitely got the bigger part right,” coos the kid and the tall one only growls before opening a locker.

They do this for a moment before the tall one looks back at Yama. “Who are you?”

He shakes. “Um...Yamaguchi.”

The orange haired kid spins in his sneakers. “Woah. I didn't  even see ya there! Are you trying out for the team too?”

Yama grins and scratches at the back of his neck.”Y-Yeah.”

“Huh,” scoffs the tall boy. “That’s surprising.”

The orange haired kid slaps him, hard. “You ass, be nice, Tobio!”

“My name is Kageyama , idiot.”

“Yeah, well, it’s also Tobio, stupid!”

“Jesus, you two are annoying.”

Yama spins to match eyes with Tsukki. “Tsukki,” he whispers and it shouldn’t be shock that Tsukki is already looking at him, smiling softly, nothing like he’s used to. Yama gets the idea that it’s not an often occurrence for Tsukki to smile. That makes him feel special. He knows he’s blushing, so Yama turns back to the sink to dry off his face.

“I’m Hinata, by the way!” chirps the orange haired boy behind him. Yama waves at him in the mirror. Nice kid, he likes this one. “This is Tobio-”

“Kageyama-”

“-He’s a setter.”

“Yeah, I know all about you, King ,” slurs Tsukki. Yama looks to him. “Why aren’t you at Shiratorizawa with, what’s his name, Ushijima something?”

“Wakatoshi. Wakatoshi Ushijima,” speaks Kageyama and both Yama and Hinata fall silent as they watch the boys expression drop serious. “I didn’t get in.”

Hinata looks sideways at him. “Tobio, you didn’t tell me that.”

“Of course I didn’t, dumbass. Why would I?”

“You tell me everything!”

“You know, Hinata, out of experience, I can tell you some things are just harder to admit then others,” Yama shrugs and the burning glare that Tsukki is shooting his way is almost painful.

Hinata looks to Yama, smiling. Tobio looks at him and winks and the unease Yama felt about the kid before completely vanishes.

“I really do hate to interrupt the moment but have any of you checked the time?” interrupts Tsukki.

Yama looks to his watch.

All four of them sprint from the locker room in a haste.

***

The lineup goes as follows; Tsukki, Yama, Tobio and Hinata, and for a school known for their Volleyball team, Yama is surprised to see that there are only four of them trying out. Everyone on the team that stands before them is only a year older, maybe two, but fuck, Yama is intimidated beyond comprehension.

The Captain, a tall guy already, handsome, wears a head full of shaved hair. His cheekbones are dented deep and carved to perfection, his nose angled and slanted up. His hands, which Yama can’t seem to stop staring at are literal rocks, skin dry and rough around the edges and his arms are veiny and prominent. His built is gigantic, towering almost but in a different fashion when compared to Tsukki and Tobio; they’re stretched, Daichi is just... huge.

Wing Spiker, he calls it.  

The man next to him, Sugawara, is more feminine than Daichi and...damn, gorgeous from head to toe. He sports almost lavender, silver locks, locks that lay against his eyebrows, and his eyes, squinted and small but breathtakingly hazel, are direct but gentle. He’s shorter than Daichi, by a good few feet. But the way they stand together, look together, the power that connects the two, is obvious and striking.

He’s the Setter. Tobio has competition.

The next one his eyes go to is not just massive but...Godzilla like, and if it wasn’t for Asahi’s posture, the gentle smile, the warm eyes, the nervous gestures, Yama would be absolutely terrified. But his actions give the big guy away. He’s handsome, innocent, which is almost comical, draped in long dark brown hair and beaded eyes. Beside him stands a smaller boy, Noya, caramel hair, very small….smaller than Hinata, possibly, and the two of them are... connected , hands entwined and it’s surprising, the blunt show of affection between them.

Wing Spiker, Ace, maybe and...Libero.

Down the line is a bald boy, stern. But it’s clear to Yama that it’s a facade. He’s seen the type all too many times while being in the system; the act that guys put off to seem far more intimidating than they actually are. But this guy, Tanaka, he holds it well, in a way that Yama can respect.

Wing Spiker.

Beside him stands the Myth, the man, the legend himself….Oikawa Tooru. Anyone who plays Volleyball knows who he is and in person, he’s just as intimidating as expected. Bushy hair and strong features, strong eyes, he’s stunning. Yama swallows the nerves that send a shake to his hands. Beside him stands another boy, Hajime Iwaizumi. Fierce while in other ways, his build is hefty, sturdy, powerful, something to look up to and something about him makes Yama excited.

Another Setter, Tobio is fucked, and a Wing Spiker. This team has good defense.

Sanding behind Daichi are two more boys. One is short….the shortest of all of them if he were to guess, while the other, like Tsukki and Tobio, is towering. The black haired boy, Kuroo Tetsurou, is like a shadow of darkness, not a harsh darkness but darkness nonetheless and the smaller one is well….small. Not exactly fragile, but Yama is no less shocked to hear of Kenma’s position once revealed.

Middle Block and Last string Setter.

Once everyone is introduced, the four of them stay standing still. Solid. Daichi’s eyes go to Tobio.

“We’ve heard a lot about you. We’re a little surprised to see you here.”

“He didn’t get into Shiratorizawa,” blurts Hinata and it doesn’t take but a second for Tobio to spin and slap Hinata on the back of the head.

“Ow, rude, Tobio!”

“You’re the rude one, dumbass,” Tobio hisses.

“That’s okay, we’re happy to have you!” adds in Suga, his voice light and soft and welcoming.

“I bet you’re wondering what’s up with the...eh, turnout,” adds Noya, looking around.

Yama shakes his head, trying to be polite. But Hinata, “This school is known for volleyball, what’s the deal, where is everyone!?”

Tobio rolls his eyes. Everyone laughs a bit. Hinata blushes and grows smaller. “It’s okay, it’s a valid question,” responds Daichi.

“Our coach ditched,” adds the tall guy in the back, Kuroo.

“He didn’t ditch, he passed away,” adds in Hajime.

“He...died?” asks Tobio, looking down at the floor.

Oikawa Tooru eyes him. “You knew him, didn’t you?” The two battle stares. “Yeah, I remember you. We were in that training camp, right?”

“At Aoba Johsai.”

Tooru nods. “He got sick. It got him...took him too soon.”

Tobio hangs his head. “I'm sorry to hear that.”

“Yeah, we all were,” adds Suga. “He was the selling point for our program. Without him...things have changed.”

“Shiratorizawa.” It’s the first time Tsukki has spoken and all eyes go to him. “That’s where everyone is aiming now, right?”

“Correct,” answers Hajime.

“They got that big guy, what did you call him, Tobio,” tugs Hinata.

“Wakatoshi.”

Suga nods.

“Well, we got a big guy too,” cheers Noya as he kisses Asahi’s arm. “We’re not worried.”

“Noya, stop it,” blushes Asahi.

Daichi and Suga laugh it off. Daichi eyes Tsukki. “What’s your height, kid?”

Tsukki clears his throat. “6’3.”

A few of the guys whistle. Kuroo claps. “He’s taller than me by two damn inches!”

“Settle,” Kenma purrs.

“He’s even taller than Asahi!” cries Noya.

Yama feels proud.

“Please tell me you’re a middle blocker,” adds Kuroo.

Tsukki nods.

“Thank god,” hums Hajime. “The last thing we needed was another setter.”

All eyes go to Tobio.

He sighs.

Sugawara steps up then and looks to Hinata. “You’re the jumper, right?”

Hinata toys with his fingers. He eyes Tobio. Tobio nods. “I-I am.”

“Wait, that’s you!” cries Tanaka. “Noya, that’s the bird we were scouting!”

“I know, I knew it the second you walked in!”

“The...bird?” Tobio questions.

Noya shrugs. “Long story.”

Sugawara continues. “You have a good attack, the two of you combined.”

Tobio clears his throat. “Yeah but...we’ve only ever done it once.”

“Once is enough,” adds Daichi. “Once is better than never.” His eyes then fall to Yama. Tsukki watches...closely. “And you? I’m afraid I don’t recall, I apologize.”

“Um...well, I’m usually a...pinch server.”

“Speak up,” says Tsukki supportively, but it only makes Yama more embarrassed.

“Wait, wait,” Tooru says, stepping up beside Daichi. “Does that mean you can do a float serve?”

Yama looks between the two. “Uh, yeah. Pretty well.”

“You can?” asks Tsukki.

Yama smiles and nods in response.

“Damn, that's a first for any of us!”

Yama is...shocked. It’s not that hard, is it?

“That’s gonna be a great weapon, kid,” applauds Daichi and Yama smiles wider. “Well, I’d love to put you guys through tryouts but as you can see...there’s really no need. I trust your skills, your height. Applaud yourselves, you’re on the team….by default, I’m afraid.”

Hinata cheers. But Yama feels a bit defeated. Cheated, even. He had truly looked forward to trying out, besides being so damn nervous. He was excited to try out with Tsukki, to play together. But he would get the chance so he holds back that sadness as Tsukki slaps at his shoulder happily, forcing a smile.

***

At the end of their first day, Yama is utterly exhausted, bones screaming and muscles crying as he and the others lay sprawled all around the gym, panting and huffing and sweating.

Hinata is resting his head on Tobio’s stomach, which he guesses in any other circumstance wouldn’t slide. But right now, none of them could even fathom movement and the second years….well, they all appear very pleased.

“Oh come on, we weren’t that hard on you!” jokes Tanaka.

“Lies,” pants Hinata.

Noya is the one to laugh the loudest.

“You guys all did a great job, I can tell this is gonna work out,” adds Daichi.

“Yeah, I’m usually not one to agree with this guy but I gotta say, you guys got skill,” teases Kuroo, whose busy playing with Kenma’s hair.

“Thank you...I think?” questions Tsukki and Yama giggles beside him.

“Go get changed, take showers and be here in the morning for practice, yeah?”

“The morning? No evening practices.”

Asahi giggles. “We do both.”

“Two practices a day!?” There’s a pause. “Tobio, did you hear that!”

“Hinata, you need to settle.”

Everyone enjoys the banter.

But Yama….

Morning practices would be a hard one to convince the shelter about. Yama had been living permanently (and secretly) at a shelter for the past three years, but only on the account that he had to help clean and manage the shelter, and as life would have it, his duties involved the morning shift.

Yama clears his throat and sits up, eyeing Suga, and the Vice Captain seems to understand. He eyes Daichi and the Captain calls for an official break. Everyone scatters, Hinata and Tobio racing for the locker room while the rest of the team moves to clean the gym.  

Yama stands but Tsukki is there to tug on his hand. “Is everything alright?”

Yama plasters on his smile. “Yeah, I just wanna ask a question!”

Tsukki nods. “I’m gonna go shower.”

“I’ll be there soon.” He realizes what he just said. Tsukki smirks. “No! No , not...in that way, I just-”

“Yamaguchi!” calls Suga, saving him. Thank you, God.

“I’ll be up there in a bit,” Yama decides to say as he waves and runs to where Suga stands.

Suga is smirking and Yama just laughs it off as Suga pulls him to the corner. Tsukki walks past them and they catch eyes for a moment. Yama waves at him right as Tsukki leaves the gym.

His attention is stuck on Suga. “What’s going on? You were giving me eye signals.”

Yama scratches at his cheeks. At his freckles. “Yeah. Yes, I was.”

Suga grins. “Okay, you can talk to me, what’s going on.”

“I...want to be on this team more than anything in the world right now…”

Suga squints. “But?”

“But...I don’t think I can make morning practices.”

Suga hums. “Okay, can you tell me why not?”

Yama swallows. “If I tell you something, can you promise not to tell anyone else?”

Suga’s smirk drops. “It depends, on the situation.”

Yama nods, he understands. He doesn’t know where to start so he simply blurts it out. “I live in a homeless shelter.” Suga pales. Yama closes his eyes. “I’ve lived there for about three years...and the only reason they let me stay there is because in the mornings, I take care of the place. I cook the morning meals, I do laundry, I clean the bathrooms, the showers, I mop and sweep and…the point is, I have a job to do in the mornings in order to have a place to live….and so…I cannot make morning practices.”

Suga is frozen, eyes wide and glossy and Yama hates the pity that swims in those large, beautiful eyes.

“I understand if that means I can’t be on the team but-”

“You are on the team. That’s already been decided.” Yama gasps, biting it back as quick as it came. “Can I ask you a question?”

“Of course.”

“You’re...the station kid, right?” Yama feels vomit at the tip of his tongue. “I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be blunt about it but...I knew, from the second you walked in.”

“Please, don’t tell-”

“I will not say a word to anyone.” Suga inches closer as Yama wipes at his eyes. “I will speak to Daichi, tell him that you can’t make morning practices. Don’t worry, I’ll get through to him.”

“A-Are you sure-”

“Yes. I am positive.” Suga squeezes his shoulder. “I watched you today. You are an incredible server…” Yama blinks rapidly before looking away. Suga draws him back. “I know you just met us all today but….everyone on this team is a family. We take care of each other, we always have and you guys becoming part of the team only adds to that family. I understand you not wanting everyone to know….but, if you ever feel like you need help or like you need to talk to us about it, do not hesitate to come to one of us, okay?”

Yama breathes heavy through parted lips, heart thumping violently inside of him. “I don’t know what to say.”

“This is more than a volleyball team. It’s a sanctuary.” Suga squeezes his shoulder once more. “We may not have a notable coach anymore, but..that won’t stop us from being great. You’ll have a home here soon enough, Yamaguchi. I promise.”

Yama doesn’t have to force a smile this time around.

"Oh, and one more thing." Suga pokes at Yama's cheeks, at his freckles. "Be proud of yourself. Be proud of your body. Trust me, I know how hard that can be but it's important. You're important." 

Yama is speechless and wants to say something more but Suga is already leaving him to join Daichi in the corner and Yama can’t help but watch the way they act with each other, the closeness, the intimacy that washes over the two of them when in contact and while watching, he feels as if he’s violating a moment.

Yama spins then and shakes his head clear as he leaves the gym, surprised that leaning against the wall outside the doors of the locker room, is Tsukki. “Hey, I thought you were going to shower.”

Tsukki doesn’t answer, he only pushes off the wall and looks down at Yama. They stand close and Tsukki’s fingertips brush the back of Yama’s chilled, sweaty hand. The touch is sweet, fast, but speaks words and Yama feels as though something is...different. But he can’t pin down what exactly that may be.

“Tsukki?”

Finally, Tsukki huffs and brushes Yama’s hair back. “Come on, let’s get a shower before those two idiots take all the hot water.”

Yama rolls his eyes as Tsukki slings his arm around Yama’s neck. “You are too mean to them.”

“Eh, what’s a little teasing gonna hurt, huh?”

Yama laughs into Tsukki’s arm.

His first day of high school wasn’t as bad as expected.

 THREE

ONE YEAR LATER

It’s been a year and things have changed a bit.

Five months after the start of Yama’s freshmen year, Daichi and Suga became a thing; like full out, Yama could tell it’s a soulmate sort of ordeal thing. Daichi still resides as Captain, Suga his Vice, and the team, who is on their way to Nationals by the second, worked as if they had always functioned as a well oiled machine.

Noya and Asahi, who had been dating from the very beginning, were still going strong. Noya spoke a lot about marriage and it made Tanaka excited each time he did and while Yama could always tell that it made Asahi nervous, Yama knew Asahi was on board. If Noya was on board with something, Asahi had no qualms.

There was also a new manager on the team, her name was Yachi. She had joined only a few short weeks after Yama and the others had joined, at the very persistent pleads given by Hinata. She was hesitant at first, scared and intimidated, but eventually broke and now, she was also apart of the family and Tanaka, from day one, had fallen head over heels in love with her. Yachi was embarrassed to admit it, but Yama knew, they were a couple, they had never not been a couple, from the day she walked into the gym and still, he finds it cute at how she acts when around all the other guys on the team.

Hajime was still chasing Tooru, the never ending saga Yama had come to enjoy watching, Kuroo still oblivious to the way Kenma watched him, followed him, looked at him. But Yama would save that soap opera for another day.

And then, there was his life, a life that with Tsukki involved, had only become better and bigger and brighter. Each morning he was greeted by Tsukki with two coffees and a warm hug, which helped when up against the cold of the city. Over the past year, the two had become inseparable and that was the way Yama liked it.

They had learned a lot about each other in the past year.

Yama learned that Tsukki was a very good businessman, and that he had been practically running his father’s bar since he was twelve years old. He learned that Tsukki had a brother in the Army, a rifleman, something he did to get away from his father and the way Tsukki spoke about him always broke Yama’s heart. He had also learned that Tsukki had no plans for college. No, Tsukki’s one and only dream was to open a bar of his own, something that was his and his alone and Yama admired him for that.

Yama admired him for many things. He admired the way Tsukki treated women and service workers. He admired the way Tsukki was understanding with people and how protective he was. He admired the way that he cared for animals and people and children and things, always tidy and respectful and compassionate. He was stone cold, stoic and modest and quiet. But with Yama, he was a completely different entity and it made Yamaguchi feels special, as if he was an exception to the rule that was Tsukki himself.

Yama had also started to open up to Tsukki more, telling him about his future, about his passions. He confessed to Tsukki that he never viewed volleyball as anything but a past time and that his real dream was to work in a publishing company as a proofreader or an editor. Yama had had his eyes set on a publishing house for years now, a new, independent publishing house that published some of his favorite, obscure crime novels and he was dedicated to that dream.

He remembers the day he told Tsukki, how his friend had acted, how he treated the idea with nothing but complete admiration and support because if Tsukki was anything, he was endlessly supportive of everything Yama wanted.

He remembers all their long talks of travelling and about how Yama had always wanted to visit Japan, to go back to his roots. Tsukki had made him a promise, a promise they they would travel together to all the places Yama wanted and Yama remembers the feeling that promise gave him.

He warms simply thinking about it.

But there were things Yama still refused to tell Tsukki; like who he really was, how he had no home, no real roots, no actual purpose, no money. If he could keep it up, he would never tell Tsukki any of those things and sadly, Yama has become quite the expect at dodging the topic altogether, even if it always makes him sick to his stomach, lying to the most important person in his life…

He swallows back the guilt as he stands at his locker, pulling books into his arms. As a sophomore, he was trying to align his classes (college level classes, mind you) with the types of course he would need to take in college for obtaining a degree in publishing and journalism. So each title piled into his arms reads English, Advanced English, Newspaper Writing, etc, and as always, he can’t help but feel like a colossal nerd.

A buzz in his pocket, the phone that Tsukki had got him for his sixteenth birthday, causes him to struggle with the books in his arms. But he knows who it is, and there’s no way he would ever ignore a text from Tsukki.

He checks the phone:

Hey, just left Mrs. Swims office. Wanna walk to math together?

Yama smiles:

Would I ever say no to you? I’ll meet you there, stay put!

A second passes:

Yes sir :)

Five minutes later, he’s greeted by Tsukki leaning against the wall outside of the counselors office and the moment Tsukki see’s him, he rushes to help Yama carry the books.

“Jesus, please remind me why you insist on taking classes that require ten pound textbooks?”

“College exams are a year away, if I wanna get a full ride, I have to earn it!”

“Yeah, yeah. I just think you like to torture yourself,” replies Tsukki with a wink and Yama has to keep the words, those three little words that play over his eyes like a broken record, from slipping off his tongue.

“How was the session?”

Tsukki hums and watches Yama closely. Always watching, always protective. “Fine. She says I’m getting better.”

“Yeah? And what do you think?”

He sighs. “I’m definitely not as...intense anymore, or red. Who knew having anger management issues turned you into a lobster?”

“And you call me the nerd.”

They both laugh.

“Thank you, by the way.”

Yama looks to him confused. “For?”

“For suggesting I do this. I’ve always had a hard time...controlling myself, my anger. My dad, he just...brings something out in me.”

Yama stops, placing his arm on Tsukki’s, pulling them both to a halt. “Tsukki, you’re not your dad.”

He sighs, lip twitching. “I could be. You know, genes and whatnot-”

“That’s not how that works-”

“Yama, I get so...angry. It scares me sometimes, you know?”

There’s a pause but Yama could never be scared of Tsukki. There is no one on the planet Yama could ever feel safer with. So he moves closer, squeezing his hand around Tsukki’s large bicep. “That’s why you’re doing this, right?”

He nods. “This...it really is helping…”

Yama smiles. “I’m glad.” Tsukki looks down at Yama’s hand and swallows, the sound echoing through Yama’s ears. You’re in public, Yama. This is a dangerous situation. He lifts his hand away from Tsukki’s arm. Both of them sigh. “When was your last fight with...you know-”

“Two weeks ago.”

Yama is terrified to ask his next question. “Did he-”

“No, I don’t let him close enough to touch me anymore,” he slurs and Yama wants nothing more than to wrap his arms around Tsukki’s neck and never let go.  “Sorry, I don’t mean to be a downer. These sessions with Mrs. Swim make me kinda...eh, you know.”

“Tsukki, you know you can always talk to me. Don’t be silly.”

Tsukki almost stops in his tracks. But time is ticking and both of their classes await. So they clear their throats and walk the rest of the way in silence. Yama’s advanced english class is right next to Tsukki math class, so Tsukki carries the books for as long as he can, sighing deeply when he has to hand them back over.

“You’re gonna have great arm muscles from carrying these damn things everywhere.”

“Well, I can look at that as just another bonus!” he sings and Tsukki shakes his head while sporting a toothy smile. “I’ll see you after class?”

“Duh,” Tsukki winks, spinning then to leave Yama.

He walks into class, rushing through the aisles to toss the books onto his desk. The girl behind him, one of the many Samantha’s in his class, teases him about carrying too many books. It’s a weak poke and he brushes it off. He tells the teacher he’s going to use the restroom and runs down the hall.

When he enters, it’s quiet, a nice break from the hectic, crowded hallways of the high school. He sighs for a second, seeping in the silence, slapping at his cheeks in the mirror, frowning at his freckles before moving for a stall and when he finishes, he moves for the lock, unable to push open the door.

He pushes.

Nothing.

He pushes again.

Laughter. Yama’s heart stops. Not again.

Yama had developed an irrational fear when it came to being alone, along with his irrational fear of playgrounds and the dark. But nothing more than being alone, and he had no one else to blame but Yuri Christian. Over the past year, nothing had changed since he was kid; Yama was till Yuri’s main focus, his main target. It was a way of life Yama had grown accustomed too and he hates himself for letting his guard down.

“How’s it going in there, Mutt?”

He’s tired of these games. Yama leans his forehead against the stall door. “Yuri, let me out, now.”

“Oh, he’s begging already!”

There are two other distinct laughs.

Timur. Johnny.

Fucking pricks.

The bell rings. “Come on, aren’t you guys a little old to be fucking with people in the bathrooms?” Yama pushes on the door. He panics. “Seriously, this is just pathetic.”

“If you don’t shut your fucking mouth, Mutt, I’ll shut it for you!” yells Yuri.

Yama jumps, the yell is so loud.

“Just let us have our fun, yeah?” adds Timur.

Yama scoffs. “Go to hell.”

And in the next minute, he’s pulled from the stall into the middle of the bathroom floor. His ribs are kicked, his face, his nose, his legs. Kick after kick after kick and he’s bleeding. Yama doesn’t scream or cry, no, he only bites deeper into his lip, holding back the wails lodged in his throat.

Finally, Yuri lifts him, hauling Yama’s limp body to his feet. Yama moans but still refuses to cry, has always refused to give Yuri that satisfaction.

Yuri holds him against the wall, licking his lips as he looks Yama up and down. “Still with those damn freckles…” he sings, moving closer to Yama’s ear. “I bet I could fuck those freckles off your face real good,” he whispers and Yama is officially terrified.

Yuri wasn’t the same small, middle schooler that he was when Yama was twelve. No, the last year had done wonders for the kid, for Johnny and Timur as well, and now, with Yuri’s coiled fists wrapped in his shirt and Johnny and Timur at him feet holding his legs down, Yama knows he has to do something to get someone’s attention.

He’s afraid of what might happen if he doesn’t.

So with all of his might, he does something he knows will possibly end with him dead on the floor. But he has to do something. So he yells and kicks out his legs, his knees slamming into Johnny and Timur’s faces. Both boys fall backwards, releasing Yama’s legs and once they let go, he hurls his head forward, crashing his skull into Yuri’s. The bastard screams and tumbles back, falling onto Johnny and Timur and Yama makes his escape, running, running, limping into the hallway.

But he doesn’t make it far before he’s trampled and again, the kicking starts…

His ribs.

His face.

His ribs, something snaps.

He wails but he’s not crying.

“I’m gonna kill you,” barks Yuri above him repeatedly.

His face again, he can barely see out of his right eye.

Back to his ribs.

A teacher comes out into the hallway. “ HEY!”

The kicking continues.

The teacher rushes out, along with kids from different classrooms, and Yama wants to melt into the floor and never be seen or heard from ever again. He wants to die, right here, right now-

“YAMA!”

Tsukki.

The kicking stops and when he gains the energy to look back up, there is Tsukki, seated on top of Yuri delivering blow after blow after blow after blow and Yama can see Yuri’s blood staining Tsukki’s fists.

“S-Stop…” Yama tries to call out.

Tsukki does anything but stop. He punishes Yuri harder, over and over again. Yuri’s legs stop moving. Johnny and Timur step back.

“Tsukki, stop,” whimpers Yama.

Tsukki is growling. He punches and punches, more blood spills until finally, Yama hears more familiar voices.

“Tsukki, stop!”

Daichi.

Tanaka and Daichi leap over Yama as Suga and Asahi come to his side. Yama watches Daichi and Tanaka pull Tsukki away and Yama catches sight of Tsukki’s face; bent and rabid and fierce...feral.

Yuri is unconscious.

Tsukki is covered in blood, continuing to scream.

A few security guards make their way through the crowd as the nurse comes to see Yama, moving quickly to Yuri with Yama’s permission. Tsukki is hauled away by security guards and Yama keep his eyes on his best friend for as long as he can. Daichi and Tanaka stay kneeled on the floor, defeated, as Suga pulls Yama into his chest.

“Are you okay? Huh? Yama, are you hurt?”

He is but that doesn’t matter.

He can’t take his eyes off of Yuri’s unconscious body.

Suga continues to hug him.

The pain catches up to him soon after.

Yama isn’t sure when he passes out.

***

Yama sits in the nurse's office with an ice pack to his ribs. The swelling on his face has finally gone down and he pokes at his injuries in the mirror, hissing each time he pushes too hard.

“Will you quit, you’re only hurting yourself more,” pokes Suga and Yama rolls his one good eye, the one that’s not bloodshot.

Yama looks to Suga. “Anything?”

Suga looks down at his phone. “I haven’t got a text.”

Yama sighs. “I’ve...never seen him that angry.”

“It was...something else.”

“He’s been seeing a counselor, you know. He’s trying...to fix it, it’s not his fault.”

Suga smiles. “I know, Yama.” Suga looks at the time. “Go home, you’ve been excused. I need to get to practice, everyone is worried sick.”

“Daichi-”

“He refuses to leave until Tsukki is released from the office.”

They look to the bed where Yuri was. The sheets still bloody and stained. “His dad is gonna have a field day with this.”

“I don’t know, Yama. I don’t think he’s gonna want the publicity. There were too many witness, everyone saw how he was attacking you.”

Yama can only sigh and hope that Suga is right. Suga stands and walks to where Yama sits, kneeling and running his hand through Yama’s hair. “Are you okay, for me to leave?”

Yama smiles. “Of course, go. Go, and please tell Hinata I’m alive, okay? You know how he gets.”

“You mean how we all get?”

Yama grins, thinking back to the words Suga had said to him on his first day:

You’ll have a home here soon enough, Yamaguchi. I promise.

He really did, Yama finally had a true home.

***

Tsukki is suspended for a week.

They walk side by side, after both being released from school and practice early, in complete and stale silence. It’s painful, way more painful than the cracked rib or the giant, swallowing bruise over his eye.

Yama glances Tsukki’s way every once in awhile, trying to break the silence, the staleness, the clog that’s hovering thickly around the two of them and finally, he drags himself to a stop as they turn into an alleyway.

Tsukki stops as well. “What is it?”

“You...didn’t have to do that.”

Tsukki scoffs. “I didn’t?”

“No, of course not-”

“Really? Because it looked like that son of bitch was on the verge of almost killing you, Yama, so I’m going to have to respectfully disagree.”

Yama moves closer to him, Tsukki allows it. “I’m sorry.”

Tsukki’s brow scrunches. “What?” he breathes.

Yama bites his lip and looks down at Tsukki’s knuckles. Bruised and black and cut open. He takes one of Tsukki’s hands and holds it within his own, stroking with his thumb. Tsukki trembles. “You’re hurt...because of me-”

“No, I’m hurt because that bastard decided to put his hands on you.”

Tsukki can barely look Yama in the eye and he can feel it low in his gut. “Can you...please look at me?”

Tsukki takes a deep breath, holding it as he rubs at his eyes. “I-I can’t…”

Yama wants to cry. “Tsukki-”

“It is...killing me…” he sniffles and Yama moves closer. Tsukki bites at his nails. “I can’t...I didn’t get there in time.”

“Tsukki, you saved me-”

“Yes but look at you, Yama! Look at your...face, and he broke one of your ribs!”

“It’s only cracked, silly!”

“Dammit, Yama!” he screams and Tadashi flinches. The regret floods Tsukki’s face instantly. “I-I’m so sorry,” he whispers, shaking, pale.

“It’s fine.”

Tsukki pouts before his head drops and he sniffles again. “Just let me take you home…”

Yama panics. “No, no. I can go myself-”

“Yamaguchi, you’re hurt. You’re bleeding! We’re already walking together. Please-”

“I said no, okay! I’m fine, I can get home by myself.”

Tsukki pauses and stares at the wall behind Yama. “Why don’t you want me to take you home, huh? Tell me why, Yama.”

“Please, just stop…”

“No, talk to me. Come on-”

No. No, not today. Not like this.

“Tsukki, stop it-”

“Seriously, Yama!”

“Please, I don’t wanna have this fight again-”

“Then just tell me why!”

“Why what, what are you talking about-”

“I KNOW, TADASHI!”

Yama cannot move, can’t breathe, can’t think straight.

This can’t be happening, this isn’t happening...

He staggers. “W-What?”

“I know that you’re homeless, about who you are! I know, so you can stop lying to me already!”

Yama shakes his head. “I-I’m not lying to you!”

“You sure as hell have never told me!”

“You’ve never told me that you knew! You know !? God, how long have you known!”

Tsukki pushes his back against the wall of the alleyway. “Since freshman year. Since the first day of school. I heard you and Suga talking.”

Yama pants, his lungs threatening to fall from his throat as he leans over, hands on his knees. “The first day of school….that was a year ago-”

“Yeah, a year! A year, Yama, and you’ve said nothing!”

“Well, you know, Tsukki. It’s not really something I like screaming over the speakers, okay?”

“Yeah, I’d buy that if I was just some guy on the street who didn’t mean anything to you but….who knows, maybe I’ve just been fooling myself!”

“What the hell does that mean?!”

“You’re my best friend! l-” Tsukki stops and Yama can only imagine what he was about to say because this fight was nowhere from over. “You are the one person in the world who means more to be than the air I breathe...so I cannot fathom a reason as to why you wouldn’t tell me this, after all this time, after everything the two of us have been through together!”

“Tsukki…”

“No, give me a reason!”

“I am disgusting, that’s why! Look at me, Tsukki! Look at my face!” Tsukki, after a second finally manages, cringing and Yama feels the acid in his stomach boil. “I am an unwanted, disgusting mutt of a person with no parents, no home, no money to my name! I am nothing, Kei! NOTHING! I’m weak and pathetic and spend most of my time with my nose in a book wishing I was anyone but myself! So why would I ever want you to see me in that way! Why would I ever want you to see me like I see myself!”

Both boys breathe hard, tears leaking from their eyes.

Tsukki advances forward.

Yama advances back and he can see the pain that floods Tsukki’s face as Yama retreats from him.

“Yama, why would you ever think I would care about any of that? Huh? You know me, you know about my dad, my brother, my life and still, you don’t...trust me.”

“That’s not it!”

“That’s exactly it, isn’t it? It’s why you’ve never said a word to me, why you’ve kept an entire part of your life a complete secret from me!”

“Tsukki, that part of my life is something I’m not proud to claim! It has nothing to do with you! You think I want to tell you about how I wasn’t worth someone's time, so they left me wrapped in a dirty bed sheet in front of a damn police station!? You want me to tell you about how I bounced from home to home, being beaten and tossed around like trash, only kept around to collect a government check! You think that’s the image I want you to see when you think of me!”

“That’s not who you are, Yama, that’s what you’ve been through! Those are two very different things. That’s never what I would see when I think of you!”

“Yeah, sure, you say that now. But imagine if I had told you this that first night in the park. Imagine if I spilled myself out to you like a broken faucet and let you see all the nasty black goo that is my pathetic, pitiful life! Do you honestly think things would have ended up the same way? I can answer that for you.  No, things wouldn’t have been the same because if I had told you, you would have looked at me in the same way that you’re looking at me right now and I hate the way you’re looking at me right now! Like I’m some sick dog who needs to be taken care of!”

“Tadashi, I have never looked at you as anything but what you are, which is damn near perfection.”

Yama stutters trying to catch his breath and Tsukki pushes off the wall, walking them both backwards. Yama clings to the front of Tsukki’s thin shirt until he’s pushed up against the wall of the alleyway. Yama’s chest constricts as Tsukki thrusts into him. Tsukki’s hot breath on his skin is enough to rise his cock and Yama tries to focus on the anger, the anger of never telling him, the anger of the day, the anger of Tsukki always knowing how pitiful he was….

But all he can focus on is the smell of dark chocolate and beer and Tsukki’s body pressed firm up against his in the middle of this skinny, dark alley and how badly he wants to press his lips to Tsukki’s. He can only focus on the color of his lips and the tongue that licks over them. He can only focus on Tsukki’s hands running up and down Yama’s cheeks, his neck, his chest. 

Yama’s head drops back as Tsukki touches him, slow and erotic and flawlessly, as if his hands were only crafted to touch and explore Yama’s body.

“Tsukki,” moans Yama and Tsukki shudders, nails digging into Yama’s scalp as Yamaguchi’s own hands come up to scratch down Tsukki’s back. Kei growls and Yama’s knees threaten to buckle.

No, this can’t happen.

Not here, not today, not like this….

I’m sorry. I love you, I’m sorry.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers as he slides down the wall and free from Tsukki’s arms, arms that race to cling back to Yama. “I-I’m sorry,” he says once more before he spins and sprints in the opposite direction, ignoring the sound of Tsukki calling after him.