Chapter Text
Stiles paced up and down the limited floor space of his bedroom, hands nervously twitching, fingers running through his hair every so often, tongue poking out to lick his dry lips. He continued this for ten minutes after Derek arrived and parked himself on Stiles’ bed. Whenever he opened his mouth and start a conversation, Derek had waited patiently, eyebrow raised, and Stiles had closed his mouth every time with a loud snap, before resuming his pacing.
“Stiles,” Derek finally sighed. “I’m working tomorrow-”
“Do you-” Stiles began, seemingly unaware that he’d interrupted his Alpha at all. It was a testament to how wound up the boy seemed to be that Derek didn’t bother calling him on the infraction. He bit at his lip, chewing nervously and was completely still for a full five seconds before slumping and perching on the edge of the bed. “What... I-I mean, what are the limits,” he nearly choked on the word, face flush, white pin pricks dancing a hot line up and down his spine. The sensation was such that Stiles actually tried to twist-scratch the itch, to no avail.
“The limits of?” Derek prompted, happy to get the conversation started at the very least.
“Being an Alpha, to us,” Stiles made a vague ‘all encompassing’ gesture.
“Although I’m sure it’ll come back to bite me in the ass later, I’m going to need you to elaborate.” Stiles’ flush darkened and his eyes dropped to the bed spread.
“I can’t-” he licked his lips. “There’s no one-” he stuttered and the second his heart rate peaked and his breaths shortened, Derek was up and next to him, talking him out of the impending panic attack, easing him back into normal breathing rhythm, calming him down.
“Okay?” He had a hand clasping the back of Stiles’ neck while the other was resting on Stiles’ thigh.
“Oh my god,” Stiles gasped, sounding mortified, and Derek snorted gently, a soft smile tipping up the corners of his mouth.
“Now I’m going to ask the questions, and you’re going to answer, got it?” Stiles bit his lip but nodded. “When you said ‘there’s no one’, what did you mean?”
“There’s no one else I trust for this,” Stiles’ answer wasn’t immediate but it was a close thing. He clearly wanted to talk, just didn’t do well at the initiating part of conversation; which for Stiles was no mean feat.
“Limits in what sense? One word answer is fine if it’s all you have.”
“Sexually?” Stiles phrased it like a question and both Derek’s eyebrows shot up in surprise. Stiles, meanwhile, realising what he said, tried to stutter out an apology and move away, only to have Derek tighten his grip on his neck to keep him in place.
“Quiet,” Derek hushed him and Stiles’ mouth shut with an audible ‘snap’. “The pack is pretty well paired off; I’ve no need to either assist or deal with any sexual questions or firsts-”
“Wait, alphas generally help with first times?” early embarrassment gone, Stiles’ expression turned curious but his flush returned when Derek just stared at him.
“However,” Derek pressed. “If you need help with anything and I am able to help, I will, you know this already Stiles...” his grip turned soothing as he started to massage Stiles’ neck slowly.
“I know,” Stiles sighed, head dropping forward. “I just - this is really embarrassing.”
“Is someone pressuring you-”
“No!” Stiles almost shouted, making Derek wince. After a mumbled apology, Stiles continued. “No, Derek. No one is pressuring me into anything. You think, with all the shit I’ve learned over the last few years anyone could pressure me? Me? Seriously?” And Derek had to concede that point. Stiles’ self-defence had improved to the point where he could hold his own in a spar with Derek with Derek dialling his strength back to around 40%. He could definitely hold his own in a fair fight against any of the betas. For all his twitchiness, Stiles was surprisingly agile and knew how to move to avoid attacks.
“Then what is it? What aspect of sex are you having trouble with?” The question was genuine but Stiles looked almost insulted, despite knowing that Derek was only being his alpha.
“No trouble,” Stiles pressed emphatically. “I have no trouble whatsoever,” he said and Derek surprised himself by having to suppress a frustrated growl at that. Hearing about Stiles with anyone always had him on edge and he wasn’t sure why. When he’d tried to speak with someone about it - well... it hadn’t gotten him anywhere helpful. “There’s just - there’s something I’ve wanted to try for, well, ever since I learned it even existed.”
“So it’s a kink?” Derek tried and Stiles flushed, again, but nodded. “One that requires you to trust someone...” That left... a lot, Derek supposed.
“Yes. I mean, I’ve...” he sighed. “You’re going to kill me.” That made Derek stop short and his eyes narrowed, hand tensing to the point where Stiles gave a sub vocal whine he probably wasn’t even aware he’d made.
“So it either hurts you or risks your life.” Derek’s tone was so flat and Stiles tried to shrink in on himself.
“Just, don’t talk or judge or react until I’ve explained everything okay?” At Derek’s tense nod, Stiles took a deep, measured breath to calm himself, licked his lips and started. “I’ve experimented... alone. Which is like, the number one of rules broken with this shit. Everyone I’ve spoken to, the doms primarily... that I asked for advice on this sdaid over and over and over again, don’t try it alone, never go it alone, some even threatened to beat my ass purple if I ever tried it...” At Derek’s growl, Stiles glared at him. “And I was careful. I took like... all sorts of precautions, and that was just getting myself used to the sensation, okay? I promise. I was never in any danger. I texted Scott, telling him to text me in X number of minutes and if I didn’t reply within half a minute to call my dad or come over or something. I took measures, okay?” Derek didn’t move, just waited for the penny to drop. “It wasn’t often, it was never a thing. It’s just something I figured I’d try out to see if I could get a taste before I asked someone for help and then, at college, I thought I’d ask this guy I’d been seeing and he said it was fine, but when he was about to-” he cut himself off, shaking his head. “I couldn’t put that... put my-” he licked his lips again. “Not in his hands. He wasn’t - he’s not pack, y’know?” Derek didn’t, in fact, know, but he nodded anyway, understanding the sentiment Stiles was going for.
“Can I talk yet?” Stiles scowled at him.
“No. I’m not done.”
“Then get to the point, Stiles.” Patience was never Derek’s strong suit. He’d gotten better in recent years, but even before he’d lost his family, he was never the most patient of kids.
“Pushy,” Stiles muttered, pointedly leaning back into Derek’s hand when he clenched in silent reprimand. “Anyway, I didn’t - I couldn’t go through with it, with him, and that was before summer break, which is now, so here I am. Asking you because like you said, the pack is pretty much paired off and now that I’ve reached the point of trying this thing I need to try it to get it out of my system and you’re the only one I can trust not to actually kill me. Woah! Derek, stop growling!”
And he was growling. He stopped instantly, but the thought of- “You tried something, alone that could’ve killed you?” He was proud of his own restraint, he had to admit. Not many would be as restrained as he was at that moment.
“Not completely!” Stiles pressed. “I swear on everything, on the pack, on my dad, I never did anything - I was never in any danger because I was always in control. I had failsafe after failsafe in place and then some, okay? Remember last summer when I asked you to check on me, gave you an excuse that my nightmares were back?” At Derek’s stiff nod, he went on. “That was a time. I knew you’d be there on the dot, I timed it so even if something happened, which it wouldn’t have because I used my hand,” he pressed. “I’d have been safe. You might’ve killed me, but I’d have been safe, okay? And - I was just safe, okay? I promise.” he was so emphatic, so earnest that Derek wanted to believe him, he really did.
“Tell me.” It was an order that any one of his betas would have answered instantly; the sheer force of will he piled into the phrase even rocked Stiles, the human. His eyes fluttered and he actually attempted to tilt his head to the side, baring his throat in supplication before opening his mouth to answer.
“Promise me you won’t over-react...”
“I promise that if I do, I’ll do it where I can’t hurt you,” a compromise. “Tell. Me. Now.” Another order, even harsher than the last.
“Have you ever heard of... auto erotic-” Derek roared, throwing himself away from Stiles and pressing himself against the far wall while Stiles fell on the bed where Derek had been sitting. The muttered ‘I guess you have,’ only served to make Derek’s growls louder.
“You were going to ask someone - a stranger, to do that to you?” Derek asked after a full five minutes breathing, trying to calm himself down. Stiles remained very still, knowing that movement would no doubt insight a less than favourable reaction from his alpha.
“No,” Stiles sighed, his eyes on Derek’s feet. He almost seemed lost without Derek holding him up by the neck. “I did ask someone else, but then,” he said quickly as Derek growled some more. “I stopped, because he wasn’t pack, he wasn’t - he wasn’t you.”
“Have you - do you even-” he had no idea where to start. The glare he sent Stiles’ way shut up anything that was about to come out of his mouth so he had the silence punctuated by Stiles’ erratic heartbeat to think by. “When you’ve tried it alone,” he held his hand up, continuing to shut Stiles up. “Have you ever had anything physically around your neck? Other than your hand?”
“You mean, have I ever tied something around my neck and let myself drop?”
“Yes, Stiles!” Derek snarled. “Have you ever being fucking stupid enough to tie something around your neck and let yourself drop?”
“No!” Stiles gasped out desperately, crawling to the end of his bed, hands resting on the metal frame and just holding. “Never, I swear.”
The heartbeat he was listening to told Derek that Stiles was telling the truth and he released the breath he’d been holding. He wasn’t sure what he’d have done to Stiles had the answer been a positive. “So the only thing that’s been around your neck is your hand?” Stiles’ nod was firm and Derek noted that he looked desperate for Derek to believe him, to listen to him, to help him... Derek sighed. “You should have come to me sooner,” he said.
“I’m sorry,” Stiles sounded defeated and Derek’s heart ached.
“Did you use one hand or two?”
“One.”
“On your front or back?”
Stiles hesitated briefly at that and Derek growled, demanding an answer. “Mostly on my back,” he admitted. “Only once on my front, but-” he squeezed his eyes shut, his hands clenching against the bedstead and he shook his head. “I couldn’t control it so I stopped. Didn’t trust myself to not just drop and smother myself.” He licked his lips again. “That was the time I asked you to check on me...” At Derek’s nod, he breathed again. “I mostly hold my breath and wait it out,” he finally admitted. “When I need to hold my breath longer to prolong the feeling, I put a hand over my mouth and nose but there’s never a risk there. I don’t put things over my face, I promise... and I don’t put pressure here,” he released the bedstead, his hands shaking, and sat upright as his hands moved up to point to either side of his neck where his arteries were. “Even with my hands,” he shook his head. “I couldn’t bring myself to go that far without a partner controlling it, which is where the trust aspect comes in again.” The Alpha nodded slowly.
“Those doms you’ve spoken to online about this?” Derek started and Stiles was suddenly wary, but he nodded, telling the man he was listening. “They’d tear you apart for even thinking about what you’ve already done. Hell, it’s taking all I have not to tear you apart right now.” At Stiles flinch, he knew he was driving the point home. “You’re not a stupid person, Stiles,” he sighed. “I don’t understand how you could be so thoughtless in this!”
“Why do you think I’m here now? With you? Asking for this? I know I’ve screwed up, Derek. I know what I did was stupid and thoughtless and I put myself at risk - even though I took countless precautions-”
“Did you have precautions against falling out of bed when you were blissed out?” Derek snapped. “Did you have precautions against hitting your head against your bedside table?” Stiles’ lack of answer was answer enough and Derek finally pushed himself away from the wall. he stepped up to the end of Stiles bed, gesturing him forward and watching as the other man shuffled until his knees were resting against the metal frame. The hand went to the back of his neck again and Stiles went limp, eyes closing, relief washing over his face. “I’m not going to sit here and praise you for your idiotic behaviour,” Derek warned. “Before I help you with your desire for this... auto-erotic asphyxiation,” Stiles looked wary even though his eyes were closed. “Your behaviour should be addressed.”
“Addressed?” Stiles finally managed to open his eyes, brow furrowing as he looked up at Derek.
“What do you think I mean?” Stiles blushed but Derek waited patiently.
“I don’t know...”
“Yes you do. You explained it to me earlier.”
“You’re going to beat me?” Stiles asked, aghast, but he didn’t try move away to his credit.
“Don’t be an idiot, Stiles. You’re not one. And no, I’m not going to beat you, but some form of punishment is required before you get what you want. Behaviour like that can’t be encouraged as I’m sure you already know.” Stiles bit his lip but he was nodding his head in acceptance.
“What are you going to do?” he asked, realising that if he was going to get what he wanted in the end, he would have to accept that what he’d done was stupid and inconsiderate and most of all, dangerous. He’d take his punishment because it was deserved, and maybe, they’d both learn something from it.