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Connor should be worried about the chemistry work he had to do before school started on Thursday. He should be worried about who his geometry teacher was, because if it was Mr. Milford he was fucked. He should be worried about the fact that he still didn't have a solid sleep schedule, and that if Mrs. Clemons said hi to him in the hall one more time he was gonna punch her in the throat. But Connor didn't care about any of that. Instead, all he could think about was how he was down to his last cigarette, and he missed Jared.
People didn't think Connor was actually capable of human emotion or, if he was, he was only capable of anger. For a long time, Connor believed that too. But then he met Jared. Really met Jared. Not hearing about him from other people's conversations or seeing him in their shared classes. They'd known each other since kindergarten, but it wasn't until they'd been paired together for biology the year before that Connor had actually, properly met Jared.
It started as the two being put on fish tank duty. Then, Jared had invited him to his house to finish a lab report, instead of just sharing the Google Doc like Connor had wanted. Before Connor knew it, he was going over to have dinner with Jared and his moms almost every week.
Jared's moms, Carol and Amanda, were the nicest women Connor had ever met. They asked what he liked to eat, and they made it, no more of the gluten-free vegan bullshit he was forced to choke down at home. And when they asked about his day, they actually cared, it wasn't just for show, like with his own mother.
Then dinners turned into sleepovers on the weekends. Bad horror movies and enough candy to put them in a coma. Jared wouldn't let Connor sleep on the floor.
"It'll hurt your neck." He had said, what felt like forever ago. "Come on, you're skinny enough, we can both fit on the bed."
The next morning, Connor had woken up beneath soft, olive-colored sheets, with Jared's arms around him. They never spoke of it. Not then, and not all the times after. They just let it happen.
And all of a sudden, sleepovers turned into Fireball and sloppy handjobs at three in the morning. Sucking each other off behind closed doors, leaving bruises and marks anywhere easily hidden. Fucking as fast and as rough as they could before Jared's moms came home from work. Jared knew just what to do to make him fall apart.
Then Connor fucked it up, like he always did. He knew what they did was a secret. He knew that they were just friends who fucked and that was all. He knew that. But he wanted more. He wanted to kiss Jared soft, and slow, without tongues, and teeth, and blood. He wanted Jared to make love to him, not just fuck him and throw him to the wolves.
So he took Jared out on a date. And Jared said that maybe they shouldn't see each other so often anymore. That had been three weeks ago. Connor hadn't heard from him since then.
And he missed him.
So, at midnight, he finished his last cigarette, took a swig of Limoncello, and got behind the wheel of his car, hoping he wouldn't go there, but knowing that he would.
The porch light was on when he pulled in the driveway. For just a moment, Connor let himself pretend that Jared had left the light on for him, waiting for him, but knowing Jared, he'd turned it on by accident trying to turn on the light over the stairs. He was always doing that, Connor recalled, Jared could never remember which switch went to what.
Connor decided knocking on the door was best for everyone. If Jared was sleeping, the doorbell would wake him up, and he'd be even more pissed than he already was, but if he knocked, and Jared didn't hear it, Connor would just get back in the car, go home, and pretend he never went there in the first place. School would start, and they'd see each other in the hall, and they wouldn't say a word to one another, and Jared would never know Connor had been here.
And so Connor knocked on the door. And a sleepy looking Jared answered the door. Connor could make out V for Vendetta playing on the sliver of the TV not blocked by Jared's form.
"What are you doing here?" Jared asked, sounding equal parts tired and annoyed.
Connor shoved his hands into the pockets of his hoodie, gaze trained on his boots, toeing at the welcome mat as he shrugged, "Missed you."
Jared sighed, squeezing his eyes shut as he exhaled. Then he gather up the sleeves of his cardigan, crossing his arms over his chest as he stepped aside, allowing Connor to enter.
The house smelled the same as always, lavender and lemons. And the hardwood floor felt the same under the rubber soles of Connor's boots.
"I was gonna call you" Jared admitted as they stood there awkwardly, then corrected himself, "I mean, I was thinking about it."
"Sure you were" Connor bit his lip, tilting his head back to look at the ceiling, then back down to look at Jared. "That's why I don't hear a goddamn word from you for three weeks? Because you're thinking about calling me?"
"The phone works both ways, Connor!" Jared snapped.
Connor felt like he was about to explode. He felt like Vesuvius, seconds away from erupting. He took a deep breath, then another, trying to ease the pressure in his skull. Then he pulled Jared into a hug, burying his face in the shorter boy's cardigan covered shoulder.
Jared jumped, but eventually eased into the hug, even going as far as to place his hand on the small of Connor's back. Connor inhaled Jared's warm scent of cinnamon and too much AXE Apollo. He'd missed that.
Then Jared pulled away.
"Do you wanna go upstairs?" He asked, adjusting his glasses. "Just to sleep, it's late."
Connor nodded, and let Jared turn off the TV, before following him upstairs to his bedroom. When he looked, the flannel pajama pants he left in Jared's bottom nightstand drawer were still there, neatly folded and untouched since the last time he'd worn them. He put them on, tossing his jeans aside.
"Take your hoodie off, it's hot up here" Jared urged, shedding his cardigan.
Connor unzipped his hoodie, letting it fall to the floor. His shirt joined it a second later, then Jared was stripped of his too. Jared's eyes raked over Connor's body, examining him closely, as if looking for the slightest change since he'd last seen him. When he found none, he pulled Connor into bed with him, on top of the covers.
Neither of them knew what this meant. Would things go back to the way they were before? Friends with benefits and nothing more? Would they never speak to each other again? Connor didn't know. But what he did know, was that he had missed how Jared's skin felt pressed up against his own.
Jared would never admit it, but maybe, just maybe, he had missed it too.