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“ Why ? ” Tosh was fuming as she entered the Captain’s office. The anger that had been growing, since Gwen and Jacks little scene earlier, finally erupting.
“ Why Jack ? I thought the rest of us meant something to you. But obviously I was wrong. That little scene proves it. Once again she gets away with it. One rule for her, another for the rest of us. How the hell do you think that makes us feel. We are supposed to be a team Jack. All working together, not have one member pulling it apart ,thinking she’s better than the rest of us, and all you do is fuel her belief. And then there’s Ianto. How the hell do you think it makes him feel ? Do you know what it feels like to do your damndest for someone, only to have it thrown back in your face, and for you to realise you mean nothing. When your feelings are ignored, and not just walked over, but trampled on beyond recognition. Well do you Jack ?....You did everything earlier but actually say the words to her, in front of all of us, in front of the man you’re supposed to be seeing. The man who, in case you’ve forgotten, had been held at gunpoint, and only survived death thanks to the gun jamming. Did you even check he was alright ?.. Damn it, I thought he meant something to you, but obviously..”
“ He means everything ! I lov..” Jack suddenly stopped himself, having angrily interrupted Tosh.
“ Then why ?” Tosh’s voice was still laced with anger and accusation.
Jack had turned his attention away from the CCTV feed he had been watching, and was staring at Tosh. The angry tech was standing the other side of Jack’s desk, leaning forward, both her hands planted firmly on it. She wanted answers; she wanted to understand why Jack was prepared to destroy the team, destroy Ianto, destroy everything, for Gwen. Surely it wasn’t just that he wanted to fuck her ?
“ I was married once.”
Not what Tosh had expected to hear. What did Jack having been married, have to do with what was going on now ? She looked at Jack. He was staring at his hands, now clasped in front of him on his desk. He seemed suddenly subdued. Tosh wasn’t sure where this was heading, but found herself sitting down opposite the Captain. Waiting.
“ It was a long time ago. Turn of the century, - not the last one obviously, but the one before. I was stuck on Earth, and decided to make the best of it. To fit in. Sarah was pretty, not stunning but ...pretty. Dark hair, hazel eyes. She was into everyone’s business. Wouldn’t let things drop, had to keep niggling away until she had her answers. But she had heart. Would see the best in people...”
As Jack continued to describe his late wife, Tosh realised that he was also describing a certain team member,- Gwen.
“...We were only married a couple of years before she died during the flu epidemic. She never had the chance to be all she could have been.” Jack paused for a moment, still looking at his hands, seemingly lost in memories. Gathering himself , he continued, “When we first came across Gwen I instantly thought of Sarah. Gwen reminds me so much of her. A little in looks, a lot in personality. I let Gwen get away with so much because of that. It’s as if I think through her, I can get back a bit of Sarah and give ‘her’ more time. I loved her; she wasn’t the love of my life, but there was love there, and when I flirt with Gwen, it is just as much Sarah I’m flirting with.” Jack paused again, this time shaking his head a little, as a wry smile crossed his face. “ God I must sound totally mad! Is this making any sense at all ?” He looked up for the first time since beginning to speak, hoping he would see a look of understanding on Tosh’s face.
“ I can see where you’re coming from, but Gwen is not Sarah. Is it worth destroying so much because of trying to mend a past you had no control over ? Did you cause Sarah’s death ? No. You had no control over who succumbed to the epidemic. Were you the reason she couldn’t fulfil her potential ? No, the time she lived in restricted her. If all this with Gwen, is merely you projecting what you wanted for Sarah onto, and through her then stop. Let Sarah go. It’s not fair on any of us. If, however, this is all to do with your attraction to Gwen herself, then you need to be honest with yourself, Gwen... and Ianto. He doesn’t deserve this, and he didn’t deserve to be subjected to today’s little scene, none of us did.”
There was silence. Tosh began to wonder if she had pushed too far, then Jack spoke.
“ I’m sorry about earlier, sorry for favouring Gwen. You’re right I need to be honest. I am attracted to her, and I do love her, but I’m not in love with her. If I lost her I would know the difference, just as I would if I lost you or Owen, but I would carry on.” Jack went quiet once again. His thoughts went not to earlier, but to the year that never was. Memories of the teams’ deaths at the hands of the Master. How he had felt as he was made to watch. The loss of each had hurt like hell, but it had been Ianto’s death that had devastated him, and helped Jack realise the feelings he had for the Welshman.
“ And Ianto ?” Tosh prompted.
“ To lose him would be to lose part of myself, my heart and soul. It’s him I’m in love with.”
“ You need to tell him, because right now he thinks he is third choice...” Jack looked puzzled, “...behind the Doctor and Gwen. In his eyes you’re with him because you can’t have either of them. Today will have just reinforced that. If what you are saying is the truth, then tell him Jack, before it’s too late.”
Jack looked at Tosh. He knew what she was saying was true. There was so much he had to put right, not least how Ianto saw their relationship and what he meant to Jack. The situation with Gwen, Owen and Tosh could, and would be dealt with in the morning. But he had to talk to Ianto now, before, as Tosh had said, it was too late.
“ You’re right Tosh, I do need to tell him. Thank you, for giving me the kick up the arse I needed to realise what I’ve been doing, and what I haven’t but should have been doing. I will sort it all out. I promise.”
“ Make sure you do.” Tosh stood up from the chair she’d been sitting on, and headed towards Jack’s office door, saying “ Goodnight,” as she left the Captain alone with his thoughts.