Chapter Text
Relax, don’t do it, when you want to go to it… Relax…
Stefan exhales sharply right as his eyes open. He’s in bed. It’s 8:30 am. It takes him a few seconds to realize he’s finally awake.
Colin jumped off his building last night.
He died. Was it a dream?
He gets up to start working on Bandersnatch, didn’t even bother washing up. It’s his first day working from home, but his body moves as if he has been doing this every day for quite a while now. Excitement, he tries to rationalize.
His wall is covered with pieces of paper riddled with the different routes for his games. He picks up a piece of paper and stares at one of the questions written on it: Save your companion? Yes. No.
Then, he thinks of Colin. The dream he had felt too real. Colin jumped, landed on a rooftop, his body mangled, quickly bathed in his own blood, and Kitty’s piercing scream. Then, there was something else. Then, it was black.
It kept repeating in his head as if he’s had this dream two, three, four, or five times already, but the other half of his brain says it’s the first time he’s had it, and that’s why he’s rattled. That’s why he can’t focus on his game.
“I… I need help.” The door swings open. It’s his father, holding a cup of tea.
“Tea?” He says as if Stefan hasn’t figured that out already. He looks back to his monitor.
“I can’t move on from this,” he says again to himself. Hearing Stefan talking to himself, his father walks to him, “What’s the matter?”
Stefan grabs the notebook he wrote on last night (he’s used up four notebooks already), puts it in his bag and darts out the door, quickly, but slowing down a bit to tell his father he’s going out for help.
“I’ll drive you to Dr. Haynes!” His father walked behind him as they go around the kitchen, Stefan picking up snacks and fruits lying around. Why aren’t we more organized?
“I’m not going to her for help. I’m going somewhere else.”
Should he take this jar of Cherry Lips or the pack of Bazooka gum? He takes the gum.
Should he take two apples or go to the store to buy fresh ones? He walks away from the fruit bowl.
“Well, where are you going then?”
Stefan stops at the back door, leading out the kitchen. He feels a weight drop on his chest. What if… Colin’s not there? Then, where is he going?
“Colin. Colin Ritman’s. I need him to move forward in my game.”
“THE Colin Ritman?”
Stefan leaves without answering. Yes, THE Colin Ritman. There’s only one Colin Ritman, and he better not be actually dead.
~~
Stefan arrives in front of St. Juniper’s Hospital. Looking at his watch, he sees he’s been walking for thirty minutes already. Those thirty minutes moved like a breeze. He felt like his body was moving quickly, like a hamster following a trail of treats in a maze. He took too many turns, no idea where he was going. He doesn’t know where Colin lives. He can’t remember. Was he even supposed to remember in the first place? What can he remember if… he’s never been there? It was just a dream, right?
Like a hamster following a trail of treats in a maze. He’s just following a trail.
He turns left of St. Juniper’s Hospital and kept going. Soon, he sees a tall apartment building. He goes in, takes the elevator, and soon enough, he’s in front of a door.
His heart pounds fast. Why? Is this the right place? Why did he even come here? How is he sure it’s Colin’s? If it is, how is he sure Colin’s in here?
“He’s alive,” he whispers to himself, almost scolding. “He is.”
Then, he knocks.
The door opens, and Stefan’s heart drops to the floor. It’s like the weight he felt this morning got heavier.
It’s Kitty. She looks tired. Sleepless. Like she’s been crying.
“Wh—where’s…” He struggles to find his words as if he’s not working his own mouth. Kitty tilts her head, signalling him to keeping trying.
“Where’s Colin?”
Kitty’s eyes widen.
“Colin?”
Stefan’s heart starts pounding faster.
“He’s…”
Is he here? Is he here? I need help. I need his help.
“He’s at work, in the office.”
At work? Stefan sighed in relief. Colin’s at work. He’s at work. His mouth, stubborn still, smiles.
“Y—yes, at work. I just, I just wanted to check if he went to work… because, I was planning to go, too.”
Kitty wipes her eyes, “Yes, uhh… you should go to work. That’s right. Umm… who are you again?”
Stefan blinks. He’s back to struggling to find words; a part of him is pissed at himself now.
“Stefan. Colin’s workmate. I’m working on Bandersnatch.”
“Oh, uhh… good for you, but have we met?”
Kitty finishes wiping her tears. Her eyeliner’s almost completely gone now, changing the shape of her eyes.
“Have you been crying?” Stefan asks.
“Yes, I was watching a sad film on the telly.”
Stefan mentally slaps his forehead. “I see.”
Then, there’s a few seconds of silence. Stefan doesn’t move. He doesn’t know what to do next. He felt blocked for some reason. Then, he struggles, again, “I should… go to work.”
He leaves and finds his way to the nearest bus station to go to work.
He’s following a trail of treats in a maze, and right now, he feels like the trail just scattered. For some reason, he doesn’t know what to expect when he gets to the office even though Kitty told him, surely, that Colin is there.
~~
He doesn’t listen to music on the bus ride to the office. His mind is too loud for music right now. Bandersnatch. Different routes. Colin. Kitty not knowing him. That thing he saw in his dream. Colin dying. Dr. Haynes’ lectures on coping mechanisms. His father consistently barging in his room. The lives of Jerome F. Davies. Bandersnatch. Different Routes. Colin…
The bus stops, and he’s where he has to be.
Stefan takes the stairs, running as if he needs to catch Colin, as if Colin is going somewhere else, leaving him… again.
He arrives at their office, and he stretches his neck to see past people walking around, passing around boxes and packing games to be shipped to stores. In the corner of the room, he sees something that lifts the weight off his chest. He sees Colin’s white hair. He’s sitting at his desk. He’s sporting maroon long sleeves with two white stripes going down from his shoulder to the hem. He’s wearing black jeans with rips on the knees, exposing his pale skin. He’s wearing his glasses low. Between his lips, a joint, unlit.
Stefan stands in front of him, not knowing what to say as a lot is going through his head. Colin’s alive. Colin didn’t jump. It was just a dream. Colin was in his dream. He’s been dreaming of Colin for a while. He’s been seeing Colin everywhere for a while. Colin always looks great. Coli—
“Are you thirsty?” A heavy hand drops on Stefan’s shoulder. He looks at his boss who’s smiling at him. In Mr. Thakur’s other hand are two cans of cola.
“This one is for me and Colin, but if you’re thirsty, I can have him get you one, too.”
They both look at the intern who’s been following Mr. Thakur around.
“I… I’m not thirsty. I swear.” You swear? He’s not doubting you.
Colin finally takes his eyes from the monitor at the sound of Stefan’s voice. He looks at Stefan.
“You’re not supposed to be here.” The words barely escape Colin’s mouth because keeping the joint between his lips is more of the priority. The words, however, feel pointed, piercing Stefan all over.
“Why are you here?” Colin finally turns his chair.
“I… I need your help, Colin.” He’s been saying and thinking of Colin’s name since this morning, but saying it now felt bitter in his mouth.
“Didn’t I already help you?” Another stab to Stefan’s chest.
There are a few minutes of silence. Stefan thinks about how quiet it must be at Colin and Kitty’s place as the two seem so settled in awkward air.
Mr. Thakur breaks the silence, gripping Stefan’s shoulder and laughing out loud.
“Colin, your fanboy here is our next star, so maybe you can spare a few minutes to help him out. Your game is perfect already! Take a break.”
Colin doesn’t say anything and instead responds by standing up, grabbing Stefan’s wrist, and dragging him away from Mr. Thakur’s tight grip.
“Colin, I’m sorry, I don’t know what to do next in my g—“
“You’re being rebellious. You’re taking a different route right now. What’s going on?”
He feels Colin’s warm touch despite it gripping tight on a jacket sleeve. Stefan connects this warmth to Colin surely being alive right now. Then, he mentally smacks himself. Of course he’s alive.
“I’m stuck. I don’t know what to do. I had a bad start this morning, and I didn’t know what to do, but I knew that I needed to see you.”
“See me?”
“Yes. I need your help.”
Colin kicks the roof top door open, and Stefan feels a little nervous being with Colin at this height. Fortunately, Colin, who is still holding onto his wrist, doesn’t drag him to the ledge but just right outside the door.
“As you’ve been saying over and over again. What help?” Colin lights the joint, and Stefan just watches him as the older boy inhales, holds for a few seconds, and breathes out smoke. Colin does this thing where he pouts slightly, and Stefan thinks it’s very cute, so he smiles when Colin does s-
“Stefan, what help?”
He shakes his head back from daydreaming. “I don’t know. I really don’t know.”
“That’s because this path’s not programmed yet. I’m not really sure why you’re here.”
“What?” Stefan asked, confused.
Colin walks a few steps forward, and Stefan stops himself from almost grabbing Colin, fearful that the other boy is going to walk to the ledge, and Stefan’s dream is going to come true.
“You’re supposed to be working from home. You’re supposed to be finishing your game at home, but you arrive here, looking for me, asking for help. You’re supposed to be working alone.”
Then, Stefan starts to feel bad. He remembers how he is the one who decided to work on the game by himself. He shouldn’t be bothering Colin. He starts walking away.
“What are you doing?” Colin stops him.
“I’m goi—I don’t know.”
“Bit rude to steal me from my work and just leave me.”
“I’m sorry.”
Colin finishes the joint. He walks back to Stefan. They’re face-to-face now, and Stefan finds himself observing the colour in Colin’s eyes. He remembers how they seemed to move around and out his sockets that night they smoked and took LSD. Wait, no, that was a dream.
Colin grabs his wrist again, “Let’s go out for lunch.”
Stefan gets dragged down the stairs. Colin continues, “You’re all over the place. The trail you’re following is scattered. I’ll help you get back on track.”