Chapter Text
Cyrus looked so hurt.
As hard as TJ tried, he couldn't get the image out of his head. Cyrus was hurt because of him, and he couldn't do anything about it. He was stuck at school wearing this stupid DRIBBLE t-shirt with Kira, a girl he actually despised, instead of wearing a costume with Cyrus, who’s his... um... yeah.
He always felt comfortable around Cyrus. It was different; he had never felt anything like it before. When he started to realize his feelings went beyond friendship, it wasn't a huge change. Being around Cyrus made him feel good, and that was that. No one had to know but him; it was his own happy little secret.
But then it wasn't. When he realized Kira knew about his feelings, he freaked out.
Am I that obvious? Who else knows? How could I be so careless? He kept asking himself over and over again.
This was the first time he realized that there was more to it than just feeling good around Cyrus. If anything were to happen between them, it wouldn't just stay between them. Suddenly, everyone would be judging them and making it into a huge deal. TJ didn't want that. He just wanted him and Cyrus to be in their own little world.
He couldn't let anyone else realize his secret, and he especially couldn't let Kira tell them. That's why he agreed to do this costume, but seeing Cyrus's face just made him hate himself. For the rest of the day, TJ was miserable. He didn't feel like himself.
When he saw Cyrus in the hall, he couldn't go up to him. He wasn't texting Cyrus in between classes and he didn't eat with Cyrus at lunch. Instead, Kira was dragging him around on her arm all day. He tried to act normal, but he couldn't concentrate on anything.
The weekend passed in a blur; the only thing that somewhat made him feel better was shooting baskets in the hoop in his driveway. But his mind always drifted back to Cyrus. He didn't answer Cyrus's texts, and he started avoiding Cyrus at school. If he saw Cyrus in the cafeteria or in the halls, he turned away. It hurt not to see his best friend, his only real friend, but he just couldn't. He didn't think he could control his actions or his emotions if he talked with Cyrus again, and what if someone else saw the two of them together and realized?
Every day after school, TJ wanted to go to the swings, but he knew Cyrus might be there. If he talked with Cyrus there, he would have to face what he's done. Abandoning Cyrus on costume day, ignoring Cyrus at school, ignoring his texts, all of it. He would have to face how he hurt Cyrus, and he would have to face his feelings and confess why he did it. TJ couldn't do that. He couldn't.
On Friday, Kira came up to him again after basketball practice. "TJ! I've been looking for you!"
TJ looked at her, but didn’t reply.
"I was wondering if I could join the boys’ basketball team?"
"I told you before, no. We have a girls’ team."
"Are you sure? I mean with the things I know..." Kira’s voice trailed off.
TJ's eyes widened. Not again.
"I could really help you!" Or hurt you, TJ heard the unspoken words.
TJ could feel his breaths grow shallow as he pictured what she was suggesting, what she was threatening.
"Fine," he conceded. "I'll talk to the coach. Come next Wednesday day to try out."
"Thank you!"
For the rest of the week, TJ was dreading Kira's try out. He talked to the coach, like he promised, "Buffy didn't let Kira on the girl's team, and she's a really good player. She just wants to play," and he acted excited about it to his teammates, but he couldn't be more afraid. He was going to lose basketball, the one thing he had left that made him feel somewhat happy. His life was being invaded.
When the following Wednesday finally arrived, TJ felt sick. Some of his teammates must have picked up on that because they started teasing him. "What's the matter TJ? Nervous for your girlfriend's try out?" one of his teammates, Zack, asked him.
"She's not my girlfriend," TJ mumbled, glaring daggers at Zack.
"Geez, don't be so sensitive about it," Zack said. When TJ didn’t reply, he went to join the rest of their teammates in the gym, and TJ soon followed.
Kira made it onto the team, because of course she did, and TJ was lost. Anywhere he went, Kira was there, and Cyrus wasn't. Kira sat with him and his teammates at lunch, she walked with him in the halls between classes, she was at all the basketball practices. Every time he saw her, he was filled this with immense guilt, and every time she spoke to him, he was terrified. Why did he have to be such a coward?
That Friday, TJ was sitting at lunch with his teammates, when he spotted Cyrus across the room. He couldn't tell for sure, but it looked like Cyrus was upset. Andi and Buffy were beside him, with their arms around him. TJ forced himself to tear his eyes away. When he looked up again, he made eye contact with Buffy, who was storming towards his table. TJ quickly gathered his things, made an excuse to his teammates, and rushed out of the cafeteria.
When Buffy finally caught up to him, they were outside the school.
"TJ," she yelled at him. "What the hell is going on?"
TJ didn't stop walking. "I don't know what you mean."
"TJ stop." Buffy grabbed him by the wrist, forcing him to turn around. "I thought you were Cyrus's friend!"
"I was."
"Do you have any idea what you did to him? He was so excited for costume day, and you abandoned him!"
I know.
"And then you had the nerve to stop talking with him altogether. He's been miserable! He cared about you so much, and thought you cared about him too."
Please stop.
"Now he thinks he meant nothing to you! He keeps wondering why you did this, and he feels worthless."
Stop.
"And then, when we finally managed to make him feel just a little better about himself, we heard you let Kira onto the boys' basketball team?"
"SHUT UP!" TJ yelled at Buffy, finally breaking. He wrenched his arm out of her grip and started walking away again.
"He promised me you changed, and I believed him. I guess we were wrong." That made TJ pause. He turned back around and saw Buffy walking away.
"Buffy, wait," he said weakly.
She stopped walking. "Why should I? After everything you've done."
TJ took a breath. "I didn't want to do any of those things. I'm just so scared." TJ could feel his voice wavering, and he blinked back the tears that started forming in his eyes.
Buffy sighed, and turned back towards TJ. "I know you care about Cyrus. What is going on?"
TJ shook his head. "I can't," he said, sitting down on the outdoor table next to him. He covered his face with his hands, trying to hold back tears.
"What can't you do?"
"TJ?" a new voice asked. Both Buffy and TJ looked up, and TJ jumped onto his feet when he saw Kira. "Buffy?"
"Kira," Buffy replied.
"TJ, why are you talking with her? Come back to lunch."
TJ looked between Kira and Buffy. He didn't want to go back to lunch, but he couldn't stay here. He saw Buffy look at him with realization and turn to Kira.
"What are you doing to him?"
"What do you mean? I'm not doing anything."
TJ couldn't stay here. He had to go. He had to leave. Now. He started running. He heard both Kira and Buffy yelling out behind him but he didn't stop. He didn't think about where he was going, he just kept running, until he found himself at the swings. He almost turned away, until he remembered it's the middle of the school day, so Cyrus won't show up.
So he sat down on a swing. He just sat. Sort of rocked back and forth a little. GOD why was he such a coward? None of this would have happened if he wasn't such a stupid coward. He couldn't stop thinking about everything he ruined, and what he would do differently if he could go back in time. He would start by never talking to Kira, that's for sure.
TJ just sat there, rocking back and forth, for hours. He lost track of time, until he heard a familiar voice. One he hadn't heard in two weeks.
"TJ?"