Work Text:
His mind’s been so, so foggy. There are days when he doesn’t remember much, like his mind’s too tired to update his memory. Today has been like that. He remembers Lucas going to school in the morning, while he was still sleepy and that’s it. His thoughts have been consuming all his energy since then. Eliott still hasn’t left the same spot Lucas left him this morning. He feels so, so tired, even though he hasn’t done anything all day.
Sometimes, Eliott thinks about how it would have been if he hadn’t found Lucas when he did. Would he be better? Worse? Would he still be around? Eliott’s no hypocrite. There are days when he thinks about ending it all. Even before Lucas showed up. His mind is always working round-the-clock. But the worst of it? The thoughts aren’t the kindest ones. Eliott wishes he could stop them, just for a while, so he could have a few silent moments to himself. But on days like this, nothing helps. So, he just lays down hoping for the voices to stop telling him how worthless and meaningless he is.
Occasionally, some tears run down his cheeks in an attempt to relieve the pain and Eliott can’t fight against it. The exhaustion is so overwhelming, Eliott wishes he could do something to change the way he is. He tried to fact against that crushing feeling of needing to cry, but then he only felt worse. He would keep it all inside to himself, until he couldn’t any more. And then, he would lash out and Lucas would be the one to pay for all of that. He hated it. The fact that Lucas was always the one who ended up getting hurt.
It has crossed his mind a couple of times. Could he do it? Would he be capable of doing something like that? Well, if that meant that his thoughts would stop hurting him, he had to. Even if that meant leaving Lucas behind and breaking his heart. He never talked about it with him, because he knew Lucas would get angry and useless. If he thought he couldn’t help Eliott, he might do something stupid too and Eliott couldn’t live with the guilt. He already felt guilty enough for being such a burden to Lucas these past few months. Lucas has been patient, caring and kind. He’s been so, so good to him.
Eliott thinks a lot about how he would do it. Would he stop eating and drinking until his body couldn’t take it any more? Would he stop taking his meds for a few days and then take all the pills at once? Would he slit his wrists and let all his suffering pour away? His mind is full of plans. Until now, he wasn’t strong enough to go through with any of them. He felt like he was coming closer to his end. The darkness was catching up with him. Eliott felt so terrible for being so sad and hopeless all the time. Why did he have to be like this?
Using all the energy he had left in his body, Eliott headed to the shower. There he could cry without having to worry about other people hearing him. Sometimes, he would sit on the shower floor with the water falling over his head in an attempt to wash away all the sadness and hopelessness. If only that could be possible. Without much effort, Eliott let the tears fall freely like they had a life of their own.
Soon, heartbroken sobs erupted from Eliott’s chest. He didn’t want anyone to hear him. What would they think of him? Sitting like this and sobbing like a treat was taken away from a baby. With his legs close to his chest and his head dropped onto his knees, Eliott stayed like this for a while.
He wanted his emotions to give him a break. He was tired of having to deal with all this mess. It got violent frequently. So intense that Eliott felt like he was in a vegetative state. He could hear people around him talking and asking him if he needed anything. In return, Eliott just laid emotionless wherever he was, focusing at something in front of him. He couldn’t really reply to anything people asked him or do anything he wanted to. It felt like his body had become an inanimate object.
His throat was sore and swollen. His sobs turned into something like whimpers. It felt like he wanted to yell but there was a knot that made it impossible. He wanted to stop the pain. He wanted to stop those worthless feelings. He wanted to stop everything right now. It became such a devastating feeling that in a desperate attempt to block all the stupid thoughts, Eliott throws his fisted hands at his head. He does it again and again and again while letting out small broken whimpers.
Eliott doesn’t have time to register what happened. The water stopped running down his body and someone’s holding down his arms, stopping him from attacking himself. Lucas. Lucas is here. Why would he do that? He deserves it, right? He deserves worse than this! He’s so lost in his fucked up mind, he barely feels Lucas hugging him so close he might crush him. Slowly, he started drifting back to reality as Lucas keeps running his fingers through his hair while saying something to his ear. Eliott feels his breath calm down, but the tears still fight against him and keep falling from his eyes.
“...Eliott……Elio….” He can hear Lucas call for him, but it feels like he’s so far, far away. But suddenly, he feels at peace. Maybe it’s Lucas’ presence or just his voice. Eliott doesn’t really know but it feels like he’s drifting away in some kind of dream. Is this what death feels like? It sounds and feels so peaceful and quiet.
Suddenly, he feels his body being shaken up. Lucas is holding his shoulders trying to make Eliott focus on him. He’s trying, he really is. But everything’s so overwhelming right now. He’s been keeping his eyes shut like he’s afraid to see Lucas’ face. Maybe he’s disgusted or repulsed. After all, Eliott’s too much for anyone to handle, even himself.
In spite of everything going on his mind right now, he can still feel Lucas’ touch. It’s electrifying and so powerful. He forgot about his tears which kept falling non-stop, until he felt Lucas wipe them with his thumbs while holding his face in his hands. He’s ashamed. Nobody should see him cry like this. Not even Lucas. He loves him, he truly does. But Eliott knows that he will feel even more responsible for Eliott now because, obviously, something’s not right.
Is Eliott really able to let this go? The feeling of security he feels whenever he’s in Lucas’ arms. The simple feeling of serenity whenever he’s laying down with Lucas close to him. The crushing feeling whenever Lucas says how much he loves him late at night when both of them collapse with their uncoordinated breathing. He wants to hold on to this all memories which remain intact in his brain. But then there’s this fear of hurting Lucas and breaking his heart. He doesn’t want that. It would break him too.
With an astonishing need to not drown, Eliott throws his arms around Lucas body like he’s a boost of oxygen in Eliott’s lungs. He hides his face in Lucas’ neck trying to find some comfort to silent the sobs that keep erupting. They sit on the wet floor for what feels like hours. At some point, Eliott begins to calm down. Lucas keeps rubbing his back while slightly swinging both of them.
Eliott feels like he’s going to fall asleep from all the tranquillity of the moment. Could they stay like this forever? Without having to worry about anything else? “...wear something or you’re gonna catch a cold.” Lucas must feel him shiver, but Eliott didn’t really want to move. He felt like if they did, their bubble would burst and things would only get worse.
With an unreasonable amount of effort and Lucas’ help, Eliott got up slowly. He was avoiding looking Lucas in the eye. He wouldn’t be able to handle the pity look Lucas’ would throw at him. Why did he have to be such a mess? Why couldn’t he be normal? Is it too much to ask for? He didn’t know how he got to the bed. He couldn’t really control his body right now. Lucas disappeared for a while, coming back some time later with some clothes for Eliott. Lucas did most of the work. Eliott was feeling too tired from all the emotional drainage. As soon as he had some clothes on, Eliott curled up, disappearing under the sheets. He was feeling so, so helpless.
He could feel the mattress dip behind him and then there was Lucas hugging him by the waist with such force like he was afraid of losing Eliott. He could feel Lucas breath on his neck, while he was running the tip of his nose along it. Eliott took a deep breath trying to keep himself afloat. It’s hard, but he had to try. He didn’t want Lucas to see him break down again. He began to calm down after some time laying like that.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Lucas’ voice is soothing like he’s trying not to scare Eliott away. He’s still holding him and Eliott’s never felt safer.
He doesn’t really feel like talking right now. It already hurts him so much just to think about his whole life. But if he doesn’t, Lucas won’t stop worrying. Well, it’s not like he doesn’t in a daily basis. This is different. So, so different and huge. Telling Lucas about his last thoughts might do more damage than good. His mind is turning into a very scary place, even for Eliott who has been living with it for his whole life.
“Everything hurts…” Eliott doesn’t really know how to explain it to Lucas. It seemed easier inside his head. He waited for Lucas to say something. Several minutes passed without a single word being said. Lucas was just laying there, beside Eliott, still holding him increasingly closer.
“I’m sorry…” Eliott didn’t really know how to say everything he wanted to say. He felt some tears begin to form on the verge of his eyes. It was involuntary. He didn’t know how to control them. Or maybe he just didn’t want to right now.
“It’s okay. Take your time.” Lucas has always been a great support to him. Until when? Maybe one day he’ll get tired of all of this and leave him for good.
“It’s not okay, Lucas. Why can’t I be a normal person? I hate when simple things become too much for me to handle. I hate that I spend days and days in bed because I physically can’t get out of bed. I hate that you have to see me like this. Sometimes I just wish I could k…” Eliott couldn’t bear himself to say it. Not to Lucas. Not to the person who’ve always supported and loved him through his worse moments.
When he stopped himself from saying the one thing that would hurt Lucas the most, Eliott felt him go rigid behind him, like time had just stopped, and they were just statues. He wanted to hug Lucas, tell him that it’s not his fault he’s feeling like this. But he couldn’t bring himself to turn around and look him in the eyes. He was scared of what Lucas might say. Would he get angry? Would he leave him?
“I’m sorry you’re feeling like that, Eliott. I know that, sometimes, everything becomes too much for you to handle. But you’re not alone. I’m here for whatever you need. If you want to yell, yell at me. If you want to run away, run to me and I’ll try to help you. And if you want to hurt yourself… Fuck, I can’t even think about losing you because you mean the world to me. But if you want to harm yourself, for whatever reason, just do whatever you want with me. Punch me, slap me… Whatever. I’d rather be hurt myself than watch you collapse. I also know that things aren’t that simple. I know about the times when you might feel worthless and hopeless, but I’m here to help you. I’m not with you just for the good moments. The bad ones are part of life too and I’m here for those too. It would be acceptable if I was with you just for the happy memories. Life’s not easy for anyone. You might have more bad days than good ones, but I’m here to help keep you afloat. I’m here to help you see the brighter side. I’m here for you. I’m here.” Lucas was out of breath and his voice was breaking, like he was trying not to cry his eyes out.
Eliott didn’t really know what to say now. He wanted to say everything and anything. He wanted to tell Lucas how much he loved him and how much he’s going to keep hurting him. He wanted to say how much he’s hurting inside without making Lucas feel guilty about himself thinking that he could have done anything else to help. Truth is that Lucas has been doing so much lately to help Eliott that he doesn’t really know how to thank him.
“I’m sorry for hurting you like this… I didn’t mean to make you suffer. It’s just that my mind is such a dark place sometimes and I can’t get away from it.” Eliott had turned around hugging Lucas back, with his face pressed to his chest. He didn’t want to lose the only person who has accepted him for what he his. He didn’t want that. But, sometimes, when things seem so hopeless, his mind play tricks with him. It makes him see things from a wrong perspective, making him believe that life won’t get better, ever. And when he realizes, he has hurt the person he loves the most.
Lucas is hugging him like he’s holding on to dear life. With one hand on his back and the other on his head keeping him closer to his chest, Lucas is saying every beautiful thing he can think of to his ear. Eliott can feel his tears wetting Lucas shirt, but he doesn’t really care right now. He lets himself cry his eyes out until there’s nothing left inside him to cry. When he finally feels himself calm down, he feels Lucas’ lips on his forehead. It’s a light touch, but, at the same time, so meaningful and powerful. Eliott feels safe.
Maybe life’s not so bad after all. Maybe he just needed to be reminded of how much Lucas loves him. Maybe he needed to feel safe in his arms again. Maybe he needed to be told, once again, that Lucas is there for him no matter what. Right now, Eliott feels reassured, relieved. With a little smile on his face, Eliott lets his eyes close, drifting off to sleep. Today wasn’t easy, many other days won’t be easy either. On the contrary, some days can be even worse than today. But if Lucas is there, Eliott will be fine.