Chapter Text
Chapter One: An Angel, A Demon and the Antichrist
Is this the real life?
Is this just fantasy?
Crowley was a lot of things, a lot of /bad/ things, but kidnapper was never one of them. Well, until today. Well, until about 20 minutes ago. Here he was, sitting in the Bentley with a baby in the backseat. He /should/ have gone immediately to the hospital to drop off the antichrist and bring about the apocalypse. Well, he should have done a lot of things, now that he thought about it…Armageddon was the dream of every demon in hell and admittedly, it once was his dream. That was, until he tasted wine and listened to classical rock. Not that either have any relatability to each other, save being some of his favorite things.
“Well shit.” He sped through at least 2 stop signs, potentially hit at least 12 pedestrians. But who was counting, eh? “What’s so great about the end of the world anyway? Without earth, all of us lot have no jobs. Ain’t any fun in tormenting each other, is there?”
Earth had a lot of wonderful things about it. A lot of pleasures that hell could never replicate, well, mostly because hell wasn’t very pleasant at all. That’s a dumb prospect to have to bring to anyone’s attention. “Hell ain’t that pleasant, donchaknow?” Shit. He didn’t exactly want to go back to hell, to be honest. He enjoyed Earth a little too much with all the little things it had to offer, including Queen and Chardonnay. It was mostly the little things he enjoyed, to be frank. Long walks in the park on just so perfect London afternoons, those rare instances where he could go without an umbrella. Feeding the pigeons on the street, those buggers were definitely a spawn of his kind. The delightful bistros that always seemed to have the perfect cup of Earl Grey waiting….
Aziraphale.
His closest and most trustworthy friend. His love for his friend was something he never would have seen in the thousands of years their feet tread the same path. He was supposed to be his enemy, but there was never any real animosity. It was more of playful competition between the two of them, really. Two sides of the same coin. Two immortal beings just trying to play a part in a bigger, more complex reality. A puppet show where the strings were always tied to each other, slamming the two of them into the same situation at the same point in time. Kind of romantic, if you think about it like that. Or at least, that’s what Aziraphale would say about it. Stupid angel and his stupid books and his stupid ways rubbing off on him. Perhaps he was the real stupid one all along.
Regardless, armageddon was not something he wanted any part in. So therefore, he would do what he always did when he wanted to avoid a problem. He unconsciously headed directly to the bookshop, where he knew Aziraphale would be waiting.
He would just… deliver the antichrist to him. Yeah. That works, right? Although he would never vividly remark on the sentiment, the angel typically had better ideas about /moral/ situations than he did. Surely Aziraphale and his infinite, angelic wisdom, would deliver sound advice for this dilemma.
“Good evening Crowley, you do realize what time it is, right?”
“Haven’t got much time for formalities angel.” He waved his hand to the back seat of the Bentley. A very… Odd noise caught Aziraphale’s attention.
“I-Is that a… C-Crowley you didn’t.”
Morals. Yes. Kidnapping was something not high on a moral standards thing, he let out a huff.
“So yeah, long story short, I’d like to introduce you to the antichrist.” A bit more nonchalant than he wanted to be, but you don’t normally get to rehearse this type of thing. The angel had a positively unreadable expression on his brow. “I’m all for dramatics, but I’m almost positive you have something to say on this matter.” Aziraphale just stood there for a moment, almost like that awkward hourglass on a computer loading screen.
“Shit.”
“Repeat that.”
“Shit. I said SHIT Crowley! What have you done?”
“Well, I do say it is a bit of a shock because I’ve never heard you curse before, well, ever!” Crowley sounded more flustered than he did while delivering the antichrist to Aziraphale’s residence. “Listen angel, this is our ticket to avoiding armageddon.” Both of their eyes focused upon the small child cooing in the back seat of the Bentley.
“This is not part of the plan, Crowley. Our whole lives have been mapped out by the /plan/. You literally cannot disrupt dozens of centuries of work because you /want/ to do so!”
“There are a lot of reasons I don’t want to see the end of the world. And I’m sure you agree with me, Aziraphale. Don’t lie, we both know you’re terrible at it.” The angel bent down and unbuckled the basket, carefully placing the infant in his arms. He looked absolutely panicked, but his expression remained calm.
“Yes, it is true…” His curious blue eyes gazed over at the demon, “But we can’t… We would be ruined. Both of us would be going against our sides.”
“Sides? Aziraphale, you think I give a flying fuck about sides?” Crowley huffed as the angel looked at him disgruntled.
“Not in front of the child.”
A smile crept onto the demon’s face.
“See, you are already attached to him. I made the right decision to give him to you!” That was the ultimate bombshell.
“Oh heavens, are you just going to leave me alone with the boy?”
“Uh yeah, duh. I’m a demon, I would end up corrupting him. You know how awful our influence is.” He shrugged, placing his hands in his pockets.
“Absolutely not. You are not going to hand me an infant and leave me alone with him. I am not going to become a single parent just because you can’t handle the responsibility of parenthood!” Aziraphale thrust the boy into Crowley’s arms.
“Shit! Are you trying to make me drop this baby? For someone’s sake, you can’t just go around /throwing/ babies, you fiend!” Hot potato-ing the infant back into his companion’s grasp. Aziraphale moved closer to catch the baby as the two of them rubbed shoulders, each man holding one half of the infant.
“I think you know what we must do.”
“Aziraphale. You… Suggesting we kill a baby…”
“No you ignoramus! The two of us are going to raise him. We are going to give him the most boring life imaginable. And on his 11th birthday, he will have no reason to end the world.” Crowley looked down at the child and sighed. The two of them had their hands tied, metaphorically speaking.
“Fine. I don’t like it, but without me you’re mostly hopeless.” The man stared down at his companion and offered a half smile.
“A name. He needs a name…” Aziraphale hummed, running his hand across the small crown of the beast.
“Adam.” Crowley spoke, almost as if it were an inside joke between the two of them. The event that brought them together those many, many eons ago.
“A right fine name,” the angel concurred, “Now come inside, we have a lot of planning to do. I would also like a brandy.”
“You do, occasionally, have the best ideas.” Aziraphale let out a chuckle as he guided them into the small house.
“Compared to you, my dear, I probably have the best ideas.”