Chapter Text
I hold the needle up to the light with one hand as I wet the end of the thread that is in the other and then I carefully slip the thread through the eye. Even though my eyes are not quite so sharp as they once were, my hand is still steady and I feel a small satisfaction at having accomplished this task. Next I pick up a red berry and push the needle through it then slide it all the way down to the knot I’ve tied at the end of the thread. Making a holly berry garland is not something one would expect to see a dwarven warrior doing and it is something I have not personally done since I was a young child, but the fact is I am desperate. I am willing to do anything I can think of to keep my companion engaged in something-anything-that will take some of that desperate look from his eyes, for this is our last Winter Solstice that we will celebrate this side of the sea. In five months we take ship.
This morning when I mentioned helping with the Solstice decorations, Legolas had smiled weakly at me and I decided to interpret that as real interest and began the preparations immediately. The holly branches themselves were cut and gathered by others and brought in to us for it will not do for my elfling to get overly chilled and I do not like to leave his side often these days. So now the sitting room here in Eryn gîl Ithil is a veritable sea of green leaves and red berries and so here I sit creating garlands to wind around the fir branches already hanging on our fireplace to make the place look suitably festive. My friend is only in charge of gathering the berries from the branches as I am certain he would find trying to thread a needle through the berries more frustrating than enjoyable. His hands tremble so these days that his fine motor skills are severely impaired and that would be just one more reminder of how much he has lost.
The winter has been hard on him and when I look at him now I could weep over his condition. In spite of my best efforts he has become painfully thin and frail again. His hair has become dull and brittle. He has taken to wearing it loose on most days for he finds it difficult to make his hands work well enough to braid it correctly. His face is gaunt with dark circled eyes, but worst of all are the eyes themselves. Once merry and full of mischief, they are now haunted and terrified. It breaks my heart to see him suffering so, for there is no other I care for much. It is not fair either, for he is barely more than a child. He should be enjoying the prime years of his life, not wasting away like an ancient dying mortal. I can only pray that when we make our journey in the spring, he will finally be relieved of this torment. That is my greatest hope, though in my darkest moments I have to admit that the hope is growing dimmer as the winter days pass.
Though I have to swallow the lump that is growing in my throat, I do my best to keep up a pleasant chatter. I talk of other Solstice days we’ve spent together and of some from my childhood. I comment on the festive scent of the fir that we’ve gathered in bundles throughout the house and of how kind it was of King Eldarion to send us a crate of spiced wine for the holidays. He smiles and comments in the right places at first, but very soon I realize I am talking to myself and I know he was only being polite before. He has no real enthusiasm for anything anymore. It is now taking all of his concentration just to perform the most basic of functions.
I look up from my work and it seems to me that his haunted eyes look even larger than they did moments ago and my heart skips a beat. He will fade before my eyes if I am not careful.
“Ye must eat more, Lamb,” I scold gently, “Ye’re going to blow away in the wind one of these days.” When those words engender no response I add warningly, “If I catch ye skipping meals again ye’ll be answering to me for it.”
This does seem to arouse enough of his attention for him to look my way, but he knows it is an empty threat, something I swore I would never resort to. But we both know there is no way I am going to lay a hand on him at this juncture. The fact is I’m almost afraid to embrace him too tightly, let alone anything more than that.
I have always enjoyed the holidays, especially the ones I’ve been able to spend with my elfling, but this task that began as an enjoyable one now seems like only a guise to pretend that everything is normal, when really nothing is. Legolas has already returned to doing what he ends up doing almost every day despite my best efforts to distract him and that is staring blankly out of a window. Distractions never work for long. This day is just the same as any other day, the only difference being the piles of holly and fir branches at our feet. Suddenly I despise the falsely cheerful red berries and the scent of fir is cloying rather than pleasant. Still I rally and try to lighten the mood again.
“Did Mistress Hild send her annual fruitcake yet? That should put some weight on ye, if ye have the courage to eat it this time, rather than stacking it in the closet.” I try to chuckle at my own jest, but am unsuccessful when he shows no sign that he has heard me.
I sigh and put down my berry garland and walk over to where my elfling sits hoping my touch will help bring him back to himself since my words have failed to do so.
“Legolas, look at me Lamb.” I reach out to touch his shoulder and it is all I can do not to draw back in shock, for it is as if I am touching a skeleton dressed in a velvet tunic. I swear he wasn’t like this when we began this day. I have to fight to keep the panic at bay. How could this have happened so quickly? Hearing his name his eyes briefly flit toward me and I see reflected in their blue depths two white seagulls. My heart skips a beat and I hurry to the window to see if it is possible that they really are there. I feel the blood drain from my face at what I see instead. Out there, directly beneath the sitting room window are two enormous ravens. They are as black as night contrasted against the white snow and as big as my arm. I feel a shudder go through me for everyone knows that ravens are the harbingers of death. I leap back in terror as one of them lights on the windowsill and seems to glare threateningly inside.
I hurry back to my friend only to realize he has become so emaciated that he appears to be nearly all eyes. How can this be happening so quickly? I reach out to run a gentle hand down his hair only to pull it away to find long golden strands of it stuck to my hand.. Valar help me! We have waited too long.
Bitter bile rises in my throat and I grow lightheaded as I realize this is it. This is how it ends. There will be no trip to Eryn Lasgalen to say goodbye in the spring, no sea journey to prepare for. There won’t be another Solstice morning together or even a finished holly berry garland. My worst fears have come true. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that Legolas will not make it through this day.
I look deep into his enormous anguished eyes, looking for any sign that he still knows me when to my astonishment, they suddenly clear and he speaks to me in an ordinary voice.
“Elvellon what is wrong?”
How can he ask that question? Does he not realize he is dying? What losing him will do to me?
“Gimli, wake up.” Though the voice sounds concerned it is also surprisingly melodic and normal. He sounds just as he did when he was still in sound health. My mind must be playing tricks on me. I close my eyes and shake my head to clear it and when I look again I realize I am no longer in the sitting room in the house in Ithilien, but in my bedchamber in the newly built section of our home in the Valley of the Elms. Legolas sitting next to me on my bed looks concerned, but almost perfectly healthy. He is still a bit thinner than I like to see him, but he has gained a lot of ground. The hand that squeezes mine is steady and strong and his worried eyes are bright and clear. His hair is gleaming gold and neatly braided and his whole complexion has a healthy glow. Relief floods through me, making me tremble even more. It was only a nightmare.
“Elvellon, are you all right?”
I sit up and pull him to me, breathing in the scent of him and holding on as I force myself to realize that this is reality. We have made it to the West in time and while there is still some healing to be done, he has made remarkable progress. As my heart returns to its normal pace, I kiss the top of his head and release him from my embrace.
“I am perfectly fine, Lad. Just an odd dream,” I assure him. “What have ye been up to? Ye smell like fir.”
“I have been gathering it to bring into the house. It is a festive scent is it not?”
“It is indeed,” I smile. But images of my dream keep racing through my mind and I cannot help voicing my concerns. “However I do not like ye working outside in the cold before breaking your fast. Have ye eaten?”
“Mistress Glasiel had only just begun to prepare first meal and I didn’t wish to bother her by bumbling around the kitchen while she was working on it,” he explains. “Besides I’m not accustomed to eating like a hobbit and I’m not going to die by waiting to eat for a couple of hours, like you seem to think.”
I know he is laughing at my ‘mothering’ but I cannot help the shudder than runs through me at his jest about dying. I don’t believe he understands the full scope of the terror I felt in the last months in Middle Earth just before we sailed. Never will I take the chance of seeing him in such a state again even if I am considered to be an over protective mother hen for the rest of my life. My dream has brought those memories crashing to the fore and I know I sound harsher than I intend to because of it.
“Perhaps, but I expect ye to do as I say, Elfling and next time ye’ll wait until after break of fast before beginning any kind of work, even if it is meant to be for fun. Is that perfectly clear?” I do not raise my voice, but I know I sound angry and he looks abashed at my words.
“I only wanted to begin preparing for our first Winter Solstice,” he says. “I didn’t mean to upset you.”
I sigh and pat his hand. “I know ye did not Lamb, and I did not mean to tear your head off. It’s just that I worry over you is all.”
“I understand,” he says, “but I am well, I swear it. You worry far too much.”
He is right of course. The change in him from last winter to this is nothing short of a miracle, one that I thank the Valar for every day. I shake the last vestiges of the nightmare off and rise to prepare for the day. I still intend to be diligent, but I am also determined that our first Winter Solstice here in the undying lands is one worth remembering.
XXXXX
When I crept into Gimli’s bedchamber to make up his fire and awake him I had not expected to find him tossing and turning and muttering. I decide it is needful to wake him, but I am soon left wondering if that was a good idea.
Gimli looks pale and a little shaky when I wake him, which is so unlike my stalwart guardian that it is of real concern to me. He does not say what has distressed him but whatever it was it seems to have had a negative effect on his temper for he has already all but bitten my head off merely for my going out to fetch in some fir branches before he even awoke this morning.
Of course I am accustomed to his ‘mother hen’ attitude but he is taking my excursion outdoors far too seriously. I am not as I was a year or so ago I am fully returned to health and do not need to be ‘mollycoddled’.
There is no point in saying so of course, Gimli will only bring up Lord Elrond’s advice that ‘I must take things easily in this first year here on Tol Eressëa’ since he believes I am still far from recovering from the sea longing.
For someone who told me not all that long ago that Elrond was ‘full of hot air’ Gimli is far too fond of spouting his advice.
“You worry far too much,” I try to reassure him.
He nods but I can tell I have not convinced him, so I tell him I will meet him downstairs for first meal and leave him to dress in peace.
I have my own plans to make because it is not too long now before the Solstice and there is a great deal to do if we are to have a proper celebration here in our new home. To begin with we need to find a suitable Yule log. Of course traditionally it is chosen in the new year then kept somewhere through the summer to dry out so it will burn well but this year we will have to make do with something less than perfect. I am sure that I can find a log somewhere out in the woods that surround our valley that has not been covered in snow. Even if I have to spend a long time searching it will be worthwhile to have a great log blazing in the fireplace, and then it strikes me that we have no fireplace fit for such a log.
For a moment I am nonplussed, for we only have one wing of the new house ready for habitation. The rest will take at least another two years to complete; then we will have a great hall and many large chambers that will be suitable for public occasions. Such grandeur is not my choice, but Gimli’s who is determined to make Car Annûn the greatest house on Tol Eressëa with every comfort. That is small comfort to me now of course.
I sit down on one of the window seats to mull over the problem and am deep in thought when our seneschal who has quietly come up the stairway asks me if anything is amiss.
Fimbrethil has proved to be a very good choice as far as our household is concerned, he is very efficient but more than that he has struck up a good relationship with Gimli which makes me like him even more so I tell him my present problem.
“I see Lord Legolas, yes that is not something that has occurred to any of us I think. We have all been so busy making this part of the house comfortable that the Solstice celebrations have been forgotten.” He looks around as if searching for inspiration then a smile breaks out on his rather austere features. “The hall” he exclaims.
I stare at him in some perplexity. “The hall,” I repeat, now staring round the hall as if it will suddenly turn into a great hall.
“Indeed Lord Legolas. Oh not this one,” He chuckles, and points towards the heavy wooden door at the end of this corridor and I finally understand him.
Through that door is what will be the long hall, which will link the wings of the house with the center. For now it goes nowhere but because of the way the outer walls have been designed it was necessary to complete at least the first part of it early.
I get to my feet and with Fimbrethil at my side we hurry down the hallway to the door, lifting the heavy latch and pushing it open.
It is the first time I have been here since the west wing was completed and the door closed for the winter, but as I look around I realize that with only a little work this could be the perfect place for our small household to celebrate the solstice together.
One side of the long hall is made up of windows that look out onto the lake and hills beyond. The ceiling is vaulted with fine beams and decorative scroll work. The walls are thickly cladded in oak paneling and the floor is oak as well, eventually no doubt portraits will hang here but presently there is only the fine carved swags above one of what will be three large fireplaces.
In the grate are giant irons ready to hold the largest of logs, I can already see the Yule Log well alight as we all sit round toasting the return of the sun. My mind is already full of ways we can decorate in here.
“Well Lord Legolas do you think this might do?”
I give Fimbrethil a grin as I run my hand along the granite lintel of the fireplace. “It is perfect, thank you for thinking of it. I doubt I would ever have thought of it by myself, but of course this is the place we must all see in the Winter Solstice. We will need to bring in some chairs of course so that we can all benefit from the warmth of the Yule Log.”
“You are intending to invite guests?”
Fimbrethil is looking confused now, and I finally see why for I have not made myself sufficiently plain to him. “Not guests Master Fimbrethil, you and all the other members of the staff are the ones I am talking of.”
“But it would not be …”
I cut him off before he finishes his sentence, knowing that he is about to argue it will not be seemly for us to spend time with our staff. Our small household has not yet become accustomed to the level of informality that we insist on. Mistress Glasiel was scandalized when she found that Gimli and I intended to eat most of our meals in the kitchen with everyone else.
“Yes it would be very seemly,” I assure him, “Both Gimli and I would very much like to spend the day in the company of those who have worked so hard to get the house ready and made our lives so comfortable. Unless you would prefer to hold your own celebration of course, we would not coerce you in anyway.”
I can see that Fimbrethil is looking both surprised but also highly gratified and my concerns are laid fully to rest when he answers. “I am sure I speak for everyone that we will be honored to be part of your day if you are certain?”
“Very certain, especially now we have somewhere we can burn the Yule Log. All I have to do now is find a log that will not disgrace this fine chimney Gimli designed.” I look around the hall again and then add, “Let us keep this as our secret for now Master Fimbrethil. I would like this to be a surprise for Gimli for a little while at least.” I do not add that one of the reasons I want to keep this from my guardian is that given his concern this morning over my going out before first meal he would likely veto my doing any ‘heavy’ work and want to keep a too close eye on me over other things as well.
Fimbrethil merely nods “As you wish My Lord. I will get Canthui and Aerlinn to sweep it clean and then perhaps Gaearon and I can search in the cellars for some furnishings to make it comfortable for us all.”
“Thank you,” I take one last look round before making for the door, “and now we had better be getting back else my surprise will be spoiled.”
As it is I only manage to get to the top of the staircase before Gimli catches up with me and I have to come up with an excuse for why I am still here rather than downstairs, I can see that Gimli is looking suspicious but I am spared a grilling by the arrival of Forodren who asks me a question about the horses and by the time we are all seated to break of fast Gimli seems to have forgotten about why he found me loitering in the hall long after I should have been.
Xxxx
The whole time I am going through my morning routine and getting read for the day, I talk firmly to myself about worrying over much. It is not necessary, I remind myself, for even though it was a long difficult road to make it here to the Undying Lands, we have done so and very successfully, I might add. Things have turned out better than I ever could have hoped for. Legolas has made great strides in improving his health now that he has been freed from the sea longing that plagued him for so long and even I no longer feel the old aches I used to have that were from the effects of old age. This blessed realm is a true place of healing.
And yet I cannot forget Lord Elrond’s advice on the importance of the lad being cautious and taking things slowly for a few seasons. Even the great healer himself had never seen anyone who had lived with the burden for as long as my stubborn elfling did, and he knew the moment we set foot off the ship, that Legolas had only just made it in time. According to Elrond, a person cannot suffer such an affliction for so long and expect to recover from it overnight. Healing takes time, and we should be patient and careful.
Of course Legolas feels so much better than he has for a very long time, that he thinks he is perfectly fine and the rest of us are just overprotective worry warts out to ruin his fun. That combined with his youth and exuberant personality means that he is likely to throw caution to the wind rather than heed good advice, so that means it is up to me to keep a close watch on him. We have had more than a few words about it, for this has meant that while we were working on the house, he was not able to get as involved in the more physical aspects of building as he would have liked. Still he is mostly cooperative with these strictures, even when I can see he does not agree with them and even though I have probably been unnecessarily cautious on more than one occasion. Of course I won’t be admitting that in his hearing anytime soon.
I know he would never believe it, but I have actually been trying to loosen the reigns a little this winter, as hard as it is for me to do so. It is true that I am still not above nagging him about keeping good eating habits and I watch very closely for signs of tiredness or illness, but the truth is it costs me just to let him out of my sight even for a short time. I have held my tongue on several occasions when he has spent entire days outside working in the cold with the horses or helping Gaearon with some of the other outdoor work. I know how he enjoys being outside even on the coldest of days so as long as he looks rested and healthy I have held my peace over it.
Of course I also never hesitate to say if I think he needs to take more care or to make certain that he does so even if I have to tolerate a bit of sulking about it. Elvish pouting has little effect on me anymore, and I know how to stop it if it goes too far which it rarely does since Legolas has become very skilled at realizing when he is coming close to crossing a line with me. He misses the mark on occasion, but in most cases a pointed look or a raised eyebrow is all it takes to remind him of my feelings about such things.
Unfortunately there is something about this time of year that has brought unpleasant memories to mind and made me a little more nervous than is usual. Perhaps it is the scent of fir in the house that has sparked thoughts of our last year’s Winter Solstice and brought to mind my fears from that time. I had truly feared back then, that I would outlive my young charge and the idea of such an event was terrifying and the images of the dream I had this morning are harder to shake than I thought they would be. I know I sounded ridiculous to him ranting about his working outside before first meal, but I couldn’t seem to help myself. In my defense, he is still as thin as a rail and cannot afford to lose any weight, though it was not my intentions to dampen his enthusiasm for the upcoming holiday celebrations.
Speaking of the holidays, we are hoping to have some sort of celebration here in our small home. Even if it is still under construction, this is our first Solstice in Car Annûn and it must be marked in some way even if we haven’t the space to accommodate guests as of yet. I suppose we will spend some time with Lord Elrond and his household, if the weather is good enough to travel, but Solstice night will be held hear with our small household staff if we can convince them that it is not completely improper for them to spend the day with us. I suspect Mistress Glasiel especially will find the idea shocking, for she has a strong sense of her ‘place,’ and she already believes we are far too familiar with the staff, though I believe she is beginning to resign herself to our unseemly casualness. In any case it is our hope to celebrate the return of the conquering sun with those who have worked so hard to make our lives here as comfortable as possible.
As I am about to leave my chambers I hear the voices of Legolas and Fimbrethil talking of some Solstice celebration project they are planning, though I cannot make out exactly what they are talking about. As always I am curious about what Legolas intends to do with his day, for we do not always agree on what sorts of activities are acceptable or safe for him to do, and he can sometimes get involved in things and forget that he still needs to take extra precautions. When we meet at the top of the stairs, I am about to insist that he tell me why he has been whispering with Fimbrethil and isn’t downstairs yet as he said he would be, but I bite my tongue instead recalling my own thoughts that I need to lighten up a little. It is not necessary to know every single detail and there is no reason to suspect he is up to something foolish or dangerous. I am just being paranoid after my stressful night.
And yet as we are partaking of Mistress Glasiel’s wonderful first meal, I can see Legolas’ eyes keep going to the window and I know he is itching to get back outside even though he has already been out for a few hours and even though it is bitterly cold. On most days, I would swallow my concerns and let him go as long as he agreed to my terms. But even though I know there is no reason for it, today the idea of letting him out of my sight makes me very uneasy. So even though I know it is playing dirty, I tell him I need his assistance in my office this morning before he can even mention going outside.
I know I am taking unfair advantage of his loyalty to me, for I know he very much wants to please me and will not deny my request even if it is the last thing he would like to be doing today. I can see he is disappointed, but he does not complain or argue the point. He merely follows me into the office and pretends to be interested in the finer details of house design while I do the work I had planned for today. It was my original intention to work alone, but having him by my side eases my fears and keeps me from having to worry about what he might be doing when he is beyond my sight.
To be fair, he is a good sport about. I am sure he must see through my ruse, but he tolerates my over protectiveness for the entire morning without complaint. It is only after the noon meal when I have coerced him back into my office that he begins to protest.
“Gimli I am not even doing anything except watching you work. Why do I need to be here?” he demands.
“I may need to ask you a question,” I point out, “and besides, I enjoy your company.” I go back to concentrating on my work.
“You have not asked me a question all morning, and I want to go outside for a while. You can enjoy my company when I come back.”
“Ye’ve been outside already, and it is very cold. And before ye tell me elves do not catch chills, let me remind you that Lord Elrond said it is possible since your immune system will be compromised for some time yet. What do ye need to go outside for anyway?” I frown.
“Fresh air,” he says triumphantly.
“Open a window.”
“Gimli!”
Perhaps I could go out with him for a bit, that way he can have his way and I can satisfy my need to have him under my eye at the moment. But when I look at the great piles of work that must be done I realize this is not really feasible if I am to have plans ready to go when spring comes. Though I don’t intend to say it out loud I state, “I have no time to mess about outside today.”
Legolas rolls his eyes before caustically replying, “Though I shall greatly miss your company, I believe I will be just fine on my own.”
Looking up and seeing his amused and slightly annoyed expression, I realize I really am being unreasonable. This is not last year and it is only my own ridiculous fears and memories that are making me react as I am. There is no reason to treat him as if he is made of glass. He must see that my resolve is cracking for he tries to tip the scale in his favor.
“I want to bring in some holly branches to put on the mantle in the sitting room, and if I’m not mistaken, I saw some wintergreen berries growing on the north side of ‘our’ hill.” He looks up at me slyly and with an impish grin, for he well knows my especial fondness for wintergreen berries. There is nothing like the refreshing taste of fresh wintergreen berries on a winter’s day. They are also good for teas and candy flavorings as well as having pain-relieving properties. It is an intelligent tactical move on his part, and I know I have been defeated.
“Very well then,” I say giving in, “but ye are to put on a warm cloak and keep it on the entire time ye are outside.” I have lived long enough with devious elflings to realize I need to be specific about my instructions or he’ll likely put it on just until he is out of my sight. “Also ye must be back before dark.”
He is seemingly very eager to be away from my company, or perhaps he wishes to take his leave before I change my mind. Whatever the case, he is gone almost before I can remind him not to work too hard and overdo things.
After he has gone, I try to concentrate on my work, but find it very difficult to do so. Before the sun even begins to set I find myself continually checking out the dining room window for any sign of his return. Though he was instructed to return before dark, it is just past dusk when I finally catch sight of him and I can see right away that I may have made a mistake. He is carrying a small armload of holly branches and the promised wintergreen berries, but he looks bedraggled and is shivering a little from the afternoon in the cold. As he enters in through the kitchen doors, he greets me in an overly cheerful fashion that I know right away is meant to keep me from noticing that he is much more exhausted than he should be from cutting a few branches and gathering some berries.
Well that does it. Though I suspect it will make me unpopular with certain young elves of my acquaintance there will definitely be no more unsupervised outdoor excursions for a few days. It may be there is nothing to worry about, but it would be wrong of me to take that chance. A setback in his health is not acceptable and I intend to make certain that does not happen.