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The room is dark, so dark that nobody can see anything or anyone. Suddenly all of the lights come on and cheery bombastic game-show music begins to play. The audience watches in anticipation as a young man with a mustache steps out from behind the curtain. He waves to the audience, bows, waves again, blows kisses to them.
“Thank you! Mwa mwa! Thank you! You are such a lovely audience tonight!”
The crowd roared with delight.
“You’re all so beautiful! I am your delightful host, Captain Sea Hawk, and welcome to…”
“WHAT THE HELL IS SHADOW WEAVER!!!” Sea Hawk and the audience yelled as the floor opened up and a rather haggard appearing Shadow Weaver bound to a chair rose up.
“The game show where our contestants try to figure out what exactly Shadow Weaver is!” Sea Hawk exclaimed.
Shadow Weaver glared, though it was very hard to tell with her mask. “I told you, I’m a sorceress!”
“Pffft, sure, and I’m Loki,” Sea Hawk snarked, “Now, let’s meet our contestants!”
One by one a chair spun around revealing one of the contestants. “First, from an unknown planet light years away, give it up for Adora! Adora is an oblivious princess whose sword would make Finn Mertins jealous!”
Up in the audience, Finn whispered to Jake, “Dude, is this some jab at all my swords representing my dick, or some shit?”
Jake just shrugged.
“Next, welcome from the bottom of a box that said, FREE KITTENS! Say hello to Lord Catra! Lord Catra has severe mommy issues. She loves sleeping, opening portals to destroy the entire universe, and sending her friends to Beast Island!”
Catra flipped Sea Hawk off.
“Get ready for Queen Glimmer! Queen Glimmer rules some stupid land or some shit. She has the power to make pretty sparkles and teleport! In her spare time she writes erotic fiction about Lord Catra!”
“I DO NOT!!” Glimmer shrieked.
“Awww, I’m flattered, Princess!~” Catra winked.
“SHUT UP!” Glimmer snapped.
“Moving on, from the same box as Catra, give it up for Catra’s twin sister...GIRLFIELD!”
A young feline hybrid that looked nearly identical to Catra, but with bigger boobs, and wearing a bikini, was revealed.
“WHAT?! I DON’T HAVE A TWIN SISTER!”
“Well you do now!” Sea Hawk winked, “Finally, last but not least, we have Hordak! Hordak is a defective clone of Horde Prime. Hordak is a whiny bitch who cries himself to sleep every night and cries about some chick named Entrapta.”
“HOW DARE YOU! I WILL HAVE YOUR HEAD FOR THIS!!” Hordak roared, but then he was zapped by the LUVD token on his neck.
“Tsk, tsk, calm down now, Hordak! For those of you new to this game, and that’s all of you, here’s how the game works. Each one of you will have thirty seconds to tell us what Shadow Weaver is and why you think that! Let’s start with Adora, 30 seconds on the clock, Adora!?”
“I-what?” Adora asked.
“Time’s ticking, Adora!”
“I-I don’t know? Umm err, shit”
“Shit? Why do you think she’s shit?”
“What?? No! I don’t think she’s shit! I-”
BZZZZZT!!!
“Ooh, time is up, Adora! What a poor showing on your end. First you said she’s shit, then you say she’s not? Let’s move on, Catra, what is Shadow Weaver?”
“She’s not shit,” Catra answered, then smiled, “Shit actually has a purpose. Shadow Weaver is just a punk ass bitch.”
Shadow Weaver glared at Catra, Catra flipped her off.
“Ooh, ouch! Wow...let’s move on, Glimmer, what is Shadow Weaver?”
Glimmer rolled her eyes, “I don’t know? A dark elf or something? I mean she’s got the gray skin, the pointy ears, and penchant for dark magic, yeah, I’m going to say a dark elf.”
Shadow Weaver looked vaguely impressed by that answer.
“I see, good answer! Let’s move onto-”
“SHE’S A REFRIGERATOR!” Girlfield exclaimed.
“Uhh...okay?” Sea Hawk questioned.
“SHE’S COLD AND FRIGID AND I CAN STICK MY LASAGNA IN HER!”
“This is fucking asinine,” Shadow Weaver groused.
Sea Hawk carefully backed away from Girlfield, “Okay, finally, Hordak? You’ve known Shadow Weaver the longest, what is she?”
“I miss Entrapta…” he sulked.
Sea Hawk rolled his eyes, “Yeah, and I miss umm...Tunanista.”
“Wait, don’t you mean Mermista?” Adora questioned.
“Yeah, Mermista, whatever. Hordak?”
“She’s obsessive witch, is what she is. Obsessed with power, obsessed with Adora,” Hordak sighed.
Everyone turned to see Shadow Weaver reading a book. The front cover read, “How To Seduce The Girl You’ve Been Obsessed With For Years.”
Everyone made a face, except Adora who was as usual completely oblivious. Shadow Weaver noticed the eyes on her. “What?” she looked at the book, “What? I want to learn how to seduce Castaspella.”
“Bullshit!” Catra coughed.
“Right, well let’s tally up the points! Adora, for your completely uninteresting answer, you get -420 points! Catra, while your answer was somewhat better, I’m afraid we can only give you a 6.66. Glimmer, while your answer was on the nose, it was also boring, so 69 points to you! Girlfield? You’re high, fucking high, 420 points. Finally, Hordak, I’m afraid that I’ll have to give you zero points. CONGRATULATIONS GIRLFIELD, YOU WIN A YEAR’S SUPPLY OF CATNIP INFUSED KITTY LITTER!” Sea Hawk tallied and announced with bombast.
Girlfield bounced towards her prize, her boobs bouncing as well. “Hee hee! Thank you! I totally want to share this with my twin cousin!”
“Hwat.” Catra said.
“That’s all the time we have today! Stay tuned next week when we figure out if Mara can do the time warp again!”
The audience cheered, the lights dimmed, and everyone was in a state of confusion.
--MEANWHILE--
“SEA HAWK!” Glimmer shouted at the pirate.
“What?” Mermista drawled, “Sea Hawk’s been here with me this entire time. We’ve been like totally making out and stuff.”
“I see,” said Adora, “And what’s her name?”
“MERMISTAAA~” Sea Hawk sang.
Adora and Glimmer looked at each other, “What, no Tunanista?”
Mermista looked disgusted, and Sea Hawk looked aghast, “Heaven’s never! Why would I call my angel of the sea such a thing?”
“Then who?” Glimmer stammered.
“I bet it was that Double Trouble person!” Adora exclaimed.
Mermista pointed at the corner where Perfuma was making out with Double Trouble who just so happened to be shape shifted to look like Perfuma. “No, they’ve been making out with Perfuma this entire time.”
“That’s weird,” Glimmer noted.
“That’s kind of hot,” Catra added.
Everyone looked stumped. If Sea Hawk had been making out with Mermista all this time, and if Double Trouble had been making out with Perfuma, then who was the game show host?
The world will never know.