Chapter Text
The Kerberos mission is four days into their steady course through space before Shiro even finds it.
Matt and Sam are holed up in the lunch bay, engaged in yet another passionate conversation about something Shiro tuned out a long time ago. Interesting as he might find everything about space too, the Holts’ enthusiasm over stuff like the ice samples they’re going to be collecting a few months from now is a bottomless pit of neverending amazement. Shiro decided early on that it might be best to leave them to it every now and then if they’re all going to be living together for the next nineteen months or so.
After excusing himself and doing a quick routine check of the ship’s autopilot, Shiro heads to finally unpack the last of the things in his room.
The pilot’s quarters is a small space near the cockpit—not much, but Shiro’s more than happy with it. He’s got a bunk for sleeping, closet for his clothes, and a small desk on which he’s placed the three framed pictures he brought. One of them is of him as a kid at the beach with his grandparents where Shiro’s sitting on his grandmother’s shoulders, and next to it is an old faded photograph of a teenaged Shiro and his childhood dog Hubert. Then there’s a picture from last year of him fistbumping Keith out in the desert.
The hoverbike Shiro got Keith for his 17th birthday—red and old, same colour and model Keith’s dad used to drive—makes for the perfect background right behind them.
Adam was the one who had snapped the shot itself, right after Shiro ran up to Keith after Keith hopped off his hoverbike. They’d both been whooping and cheering in celebration over Keith showing off his—newly learned but absolutely perfect—cliff diving skills to Adam.
Shiro hadn’t even realized Adam was taking a photo at the time, since two seconds later he was busy yelling about how Shiro’s going to get Keith killed one day. Adam’s reaction was disappointing, but not very surprising, so Shiro didn’t consider it worth more than a clench of his jaw and a tight smile as he ignored him.
Adam had still printed it out for Shiro and handed it to him later, though.
And, god. Shiro loves that photo.
It’s such a great shot. The adrenaline rush and excitement is clear on both their faces, even if Shiro hadn’t done more than stand next to Adam below the cliff and watched as Keith raced right off it.
Too bad he never got around to ask Adam to send him the original. Shiro would bet it’s been long since deleted off Adam’s phone by now, too, even if they’d actually been on speaking terms before Shiro left. At least Shiro has the printed photograph, though. He even got Keith to sign the back of it—teasing him that Shiro’s going to need some nice memory of him once Keith is a famous pilot and has forgotten all about Shiro. Keith had squinted his eyes at him, glaring in a way that Shiro learned long ago meant that Keith was thinking about how Shiro can be a little bit of an idiot sometimes. He’d still snatched the ballpoint pen out of Shiro’s hand and hastily scrawled in black ink, “Not going to forget about you, old-timer! Sorry! You’re stuck with me forever now… whether you like it or not.” then signed it with, “Keith Kogane,” right below it.
Shiro smiles at the photos, eyes lingering just a little longer on the one of him and Keith.
He knows it’s far too early to feel any sort of longing for something back on Earth, but he still sends some thoughts Keith’s way, hoping the guy’s doing okay. It’s not that he thinks Keith can’t take care of himself and he won’t be fine on his own, but—Shiro has always hated knowing that the reason Keith is so independent is because he’s already been forced to be on his own far too often for a kid his age. It’s hard not to feel like Shiro’s abandoned someone who’s relying on him—someone he’s promised to be there for, his closest friend, even though Keith has never done anything to make Shiro feel that way. Keith would probably punch him in the face for being dumb if Shiro ever told him, but. Still.
Now he won’t even be able to talk to Keith for the most part of the time this mission is estimated to take. His only way to check up on him is hoping he can sneak in some questions about how Keith’s doing every now and then during their brief update transmissions with the Garrison.
Sighing to himself, Shiro finally turns to his closet, and goes to open it. He grabs the one suitcase he has yet to unpack and places it on the bed before undoing the clasps, popping it open to start putting away the last of the clothes in there.
It’s not until he’s halfway done sorting through everything that he grabs a pair of pajama pants and two envelopes fall out from between the folded fabric of the legs.
Shiro furrows his brows, looking down at where one of them landed on the floor by his feet. He puts the pants down and bends to pick it up before grabbing the other letter on his bed as well, then sits down on the mattress, tucking one foot under his thigh.
There’s nothing special about the envelopes themselves. Regular old white paper, with a small “1.” and “2.” written on them respectively.
Shiro has no idea who would have put them in there. Adam automatically comes to mind, but they broke up and went back to living in separate rooms weeks before Shiro even started packing. Their final words to each other had been a terse goodbye the evening before the launch, when Adam came to ‘wish him a safe journey’, as he put it, while looking like he didn’t mean one word of it. Since Adam didn’t seem to have anything left to say to him then, Shiro can’t imagine his ex sneaking him some secret letter—let alone two.
Turning the envelope with the “1.” on it over, Shiro gently slips the top flap open with a finger. His eyebrows lift as soon as he’s pulled out what’s in there. It’s a two papers-long handwritten letter, and Shiro easily recognizes the handwriting.
It’s the same small, sharp style the words on the back of the photo of him and Keith are written in—the one he’d asked Keith to sign.
Shiro scoots up on the bed, making himself comfortable by grabbing a pillow to place against the wall so he can lean back against it, any thoughts about unpacking forgotten. Just the first word makes him snort, but the grin quickly turns into a soft, fond smile as Shiro keeps reading.
Listen.
I mean, hi. I should say hey first.
Hey.
Okay, there. Now: li
No, shit, wait (again).
Pretend it started like this:
Hey, Shiro! I miss you (whenever you’re reading this). Hope everything’s going well so far up in space.
Alright. I could’ve probably just gotten new paper and started over but whatever. I promised myself I’d just write what I was thinking without caring how it sounds so, that’s what I’m trying to do here.
So yeah, listen.
(It’s Keith, by the way. If you hadn’t figured.)
First of all: I know this is really fucking lame. I need you to know that I know that. I’m not just talking about the fact that I’m writing you a letter I won’t even tell you about before you’re leaving, but... also what I’m about to say. It’d feel too weird to hand this to you in person and I’m sure you’d tear it open and read it right away (yeah even if I told you not to) so I’m just going to see if I can stick it in one of your bags without you even noticing instead. Or something. We’ll see how things go.
Maybe... I should really start by saying sorry for sneaking into your room? I swear I didn’t go through any of your stuff. I mean, I won’t go through them. I haven’t sneaked into your room yet. Obviously, since I’m sitting here writing this right now. But I won’t poke through your stuff.
(Seriously! I wouldn’t. Pinky promise.)
(I hope you remember when you made that joke about pinky promises otherwise that’s also going to sound really stupid)
Anyway...
Fuck. This is ridiculous?! I don’t even know what I’m going to say??? I know what I want to say but I don’t know how to do it. Or if I should even tell you? Like I said... I know it’s really lame. I guess I’m just doing it anyway because I don’t wanna let you leave without telling you. But I don’t want it to be the last thing I say to your face if it makes things weird. I was kinda thinking about saying it when we were up on the rooftop because you’d brought the cheese doodles and blankets and everything but then of course you just had to ask if I wanted to come with you to the launch and talked about what a great friend I am aaand... ARGH. Blah. I just couldn’t. Not when you looked at me the way you did. That’s also the reason I really wanted to, though.
Because I like the way you look at me. I like it too much. I think.
I like you too much.
Except I don’t actually think it’s “too much” because it doesn’t feel like it’s a bad thing? People would be weird if they didn’t like you. Even I like you, and we all know everyone thinks I don’t like anyone at all. Guess you’re just very loveable you know ?
So... um. Yeah. There it is I guess.
I lo
I’m i
Damn it.
Swear you won’t laugh?
I love you, Shiro.
Holy shit that’s so weird to write when I’m thinking you might actually read this.
But I mean it.
If you... somehow... didn’t already know about that. Maybe you did. Thanks for not making fun of me for it if so (at least not to my face?).
And I already know what you’d say if I told you in person so shhhhhh.
“I’m so much older than you, Keith!”
Yeah well but you get that it wouldn’t even be weird in a couple of years, right? & You can stop frowning now because I’m telling you, I can’t look like I’m 14 forever. One day soon puberty’s gonna realize it’s time to kick in and I’ll get a surprise growth spurt or something, become all hot and hunky and muscled... probably grow even taller than you. My dad was almost your height and said my mom was even taller, so. I swear you won’t even know what hit you, Shirogane.
(Hopefully you’re too busy laughing right now to think about how embarrassing this is, heh.)
Okay, seriously though. Maybe you’d also say something about what will happen to you in a couple of years. I know you don’t want to talk about this and we never really did, but... I just wanna let you know that whatever happens in the future, I’ll still be here when you get back. You know that, right? Like, whatever your body gets up to, as long as you still want me around (as a friend, or whatever...), then we’ll still be flying together and I’ll kick your ass while we race, nothing held back. And if you have days where you can’t do those things then that’s okay too. I’ll drag you along on some adventure and we’ll still have fun somehow.
I don’t think I ever told you this and I don’t know how to say it right now without sounding ridiculous either, but there was a time in my life when I didn’t think anything could feel good again, you know? Like—I didn’t know if I’d ever be happy and think stuff were fun again? Then this guy showed up and he proved me wrong. Took some work, but he did it, because he stuck around (even if I was such a fucking ass to you most of the time at first...)
You just taught me that sometimes all you need is for someone to still have your back even when things get shitty too, you know? That’s when you can really prove both yourself and everyone else wrong and I think what I’m trying to say with this is just that it’s what I’m going to do for you too. If you ever need any help with anything when shit gets rough in the future, I’ll be your guy. Even if you hate everything and think life is really fucking unfair sometimes, I’ll be there.
That’s what you do when you love someone, right?
I don’t know.
I know I’m not that good with this stuff, but I think I’m getting better at just... caring about things lately.
A lot of it thanks to you.
You’re the best friend I’ve ever had and every day I’m just thankful you gave the shitty punk who stole your car a shot even if my teacher would have been happy ending your little visit without even asking me if I wanted to try flying (even before I’d messed things up for you).
If I’m honest I still don’t fucking get why you stuck around after all the shit I pulled on you and ummm right sorry for that by the way. I know you’ve said I don’t have to say that, but. Y’know. I appreciate it. I appreciate you. Didn’t mean to make things so hard for you, but no one else has ever done that for me. Stuck around, I mean. Guess I thought acting Like That was just your whole thing at first? Like you didn’t actually care, not about me... but now after everything I can’t help but think maybe you don’t do the things you’ve done for me for just anyone else. I dunno. But whatever the reason, thanks.
I’ll make it up to you somehow someday (“Oh, Keith, you don’t have to do th—”, yeah well shut up, I want to and you deserve to have people do nice things for you too).
I love you.
Maybe one day I’ll tell you in person. If you still wanna talk to me after this. Like, I know you don’t feel the same, but that doesn’t matter to me. I don’t mind. You never have to be anything you’re not or pretend and stuff around me.
I’m gonna stop now and probably won’t break into your room to give you this after all but instead just pour gasoline on it at a spot out in the desert where no one can ever see it and just watch it go up in flames because I do get how stupid this is and ahhhhh
okay
Hmm, anyway.
If you actually get to read this just know I didn’t reread it a single time because that would’ve probably killed me and also I’m sorry. Not like I don’t mean anything I’ve written in here, but just—whatever. I don’t know. Sorry for being weird and embarrassing and writing more stuff in a secret letter like a 12 year old with a crush than I’ve told you in person to your face.
I hope you’re having fun with your rocks and ice samples and living with Nerd JR and Super Nerd SR for months (I mean don’t kid yourself, you’re a nerd too, but... I like that about you. You’re my favourite nerd.)
(Plus you’re really cute?? So I guess it’s okay).
Stay safe out there.
I’ll be here when you get back.
I’ll always be here.
- K
Slowly lowering the letter, Shiro lets out a shaky breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding. He tries to blink back the wetness gathered at the corners of his eyes, before immediately rereading it twice in a row.
The letter’s gone a little crumpled from how tightly his thumb is gripping the paper, and Shiro clears his throat.
It’s all so surprisingly heartfelt, every word so carefully earnest.
Not that it’s a surprise to hear Keith be so sweet, or even express himself this way. Keith’s always been a great writer, always expressive in whatever school work Shiro’s seen while helping him out. And Keith’s always all in when he sets his mind on something, and ever since Shiro earned his trust, Keith’s never once acted distant from him.
But it’s—god. Shiro never could’ve imagined this. No matter how much Adam might have teased him for ‘the kid with a celebrity crush trailing after you’, that’s never how Shiro has seen Keith, because he knows Keith has never seen him as that guy on the posters that everyone else wants Shiro to act like. They’re friends, above all, but if Keith took the time to tell him the things Shiro just read in the letter—then Shiro knows that Keith means it, whole-heartedly and sincerely.
He sniffs to himself again, wiping at his nose as he thinks about it. About Keith sitting alone scrawling out words he’s been too afraid to say to Shiro’s face. He thinks of how Adam was right this whole time, no matter how many times Shiro tried to brush it off in the past, and Keith does have a crush on him. How Keith sounds so scared of that fact, writing about it being okay if Shiro never wants to talk to him again, as if Shiro would ever cut him off just because of what Keith’s feeling.
Shiro thinks about Keith now, how he’s doing, what he’s been up to—of the tight clench of his jaw when he waved Shiro off at the launch four days ago. How hard they had both hugged each other and how Keith had done his best not to cry while Shiro had tried to joke it off so he wouldn’t start crying as well.
Missing Earth and what he leaves behind there is to be expected when piloting long missions. It’d be weird if Shiro didn’t miss anything, really, when his routine is so abruptly changed for something as mentally taxing as living in a spaceship for months.
But at the end of the day, Shiro has always loved getting away. He’s always loved the solitude and the time he gets to spend with his own thoughts and the challenges it presents. And he loves the joy of adventure, of going up in space, and all the things he can’t wait to experience every time he leaves.
More than anything else in life, Shiro loves the comfort of the pilot seat and having his hands on the handles, steering himself and whoever’s with him through the stars.
He wouldn’t trade that for anything.
But reading the letter from Keith, the sincerity so tangible even through words put on paper with black ink, Shiro realizes that he’s never really missed someone before.
Not like this. Not this way. Not how he already misses Keith; his best friend.
It’s enough for Shiro to almost forget there’s a second envelope, and he hurries to put the first letter away before reaching for the next when he remembers.
He chokes out a laugh after he’s opened it and pulled out the drawing in there, and maybe there is a tear or two escaping from his eyes that he just can’t stop. The drawing is of him and Keith, out at their usual spot in the desert where they always take a little break after racing, to watch the sunset and talk about whatever in life before they head back to the Garrison.
“God... Keith...” Shiro whispers to himself and sniffs again, smiling, ridiculously touched by it all.
He gets up and puts the letter back in its envelope with the “1.” written on it on the desk, next to the photo of him and Keith. He leans the drawing between the space of the frames of his other two photos, still unable to stop grinning at it.
Shiro loves space, the stars, adventures. He loves his dreams—of going where no humans have ever been, of being the first one to make contact with aliens.
But looking at the drawing Keith has made, of the two of them sitting together on their cliff—Shiro can’t help but already think that once he returns to Earth, it’s going to be good to be back.
When he returns, Keith’s going to be far enough in his education that he’ll be able to go on real missions, and maybe they can even start exploring the universe together.
Shiro can’t wait to see him again.