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When Ben wakes up, it’s to an empty bed.
He doesn’t realise at first until he reaches his hand out to Callum’s side of the bed, intent on coaxing the man’s arm around his waist and letting himself be held, but instead all his hand hits are cold sheets. He grapples around for a few seconds, thinking maybe Callum has just rolled out of his reach in his sleep; it was rare for him not to wake up with Callum’s warm body next to him, but it had been known to happen from time to time.
“Cal?” he calls out, voice raspy from sleep. He knows even if Callum does reply, he won’t hear his response, so he swings his legs over the side of the bed and gets up.
The sweatpants he pulls on are his own, but the sweatshirt isn’t. The sleeves come down well past his hands so only the tips of his fingers are visible, and it’s a little tight across the shoulders. Ben had teased Callum about the little green alien holding up a peace sign that was embroidered on it when he’d first worn it, but now it made him feel safe.
He finds Callum downstairs at the kitchen table eating breakfast with Lexi and Lola. He’s laughing at something Lexi’s saying that Ben can’t hear but he bristles when he sees Ben leaning against the doorframe.
Ben smiles at him, a small quirk of his lips that was apparently the wrong thing to do because Callum’s pushing his chair away from the table and putting his bowl in the sink and grabbing his jacket from the back of the chair like he’s about to leave.
“Callum-” Ben tries, taking a few steps forward, but he’s cut off by his daughter barrelling into his legs and throwing her arms around them.
“Morning, princess,” he’s saying, gently coaxing Lexi back into her chair and telling her to finish her breakfast.
He only just manages to catch Callum’s wrist as he reaches for the handle of the door.
Callum isn’t looking at him, and Ben can’t figure out if its because he can’t or because he won’t.
“Callum-” he says again, and then, a little softer, “-Cal, please.”
That seems to work, because Callum’s turning his head to face him and the hand that was reaching for the door drops back down by his side. Ben feels like he can breathe a little easier.
“I’m meant to be meeting Stuart,” Callum’s saying, and the fact that Ben can’t hear the tone in his voice scares him more than his words. “I have to go.”
“We need to talk. Properly talk, I mean.”
“I don’t have time, Ben.”
Callum smiles over his shoulder, and Ben glances behind him to see Lola ushering Lexi out of the room, presumably to get her ready for school and to give them some space.
“Later, then?” Ben asks when he turns back to Callum.
He sees it then, the exhaustion in his eyes and the dark circles under them. The way Callum’s holding himself a little tighter than he normally would, the tension in his shoulders. Ben knows it isn’t all his fault, but it’s enough that he put at least some of it there.
Callum doesn’t hold his gaze. His eyes flit around Ben’s face for a few seconds before he’s looking down at the floor and shaking his head. “Ben I-”
Ben doesn’t waste any time when he leans in and kisses him. It’s the only thing he can think to do; the only thing that makes sense. His life is terrifying and confusing and the only time it seems to stand still is when Callum’s kissing him.
Callum’s not moving, and he isn’t kissing him back, but Ben can’t stop. He can’t let Callum walk out without him knowing how much he means to him. It’s not a risk he’s willing to take. So, he kisses him and kisses him and kisses him until he feels Callum pressing back into it and his hands are on his waist and Ben feels like he’s grounded again.
It’s not like their usual kisses. It doesn’t get heated; Callum doesn’t nip at his bottom lip and Ben doesn’t repay him by sliding his tongue into his mouth and teasing him until they’re both breathing heavy and moaning. Ben’s never been good with his words, so it’s a kiss that says everything he can’t.
Please don’t go. Promise me you’ll come back. I can’t do this without you.
And Callum answers back in his own way.
I’m still here.
And Ben thinks that’s enough.
Callum’s resting his forehead against his when they pull back from the kiss, and they both keep leaning in like they want to keep kissing and find solace in each other again. But they need to talk. And they both know that.
Ben feels Callum’s breath against his lips when he speaks and leans back enough so that he can see what he’s saying.
“I said I have to go.”
Ben feels his blood run cold.
Callum can more than likely feel the way he tenses a little, if the way he moves one of his hands from Ben’s waist to his chin and tilts his head up to face him is anything to go by.
“I’ll be back later. I still need to see Stuart.”
Ben doesn’t say anything, just nods his head once, twice, and lets Callum pull him in for one last kiss before he leaves.
I love you; Callum’s kiss is saying.
I think I might love you too, Ben thinks to himself, and the thought hits him like a shockwave.
He’s still reeling from it even after the door’s shut and Callum has disappeared from sight.
Ben runs his thumb across his bottom lip like he can imprint the memory of Callum there until he sees him again and leans back against the counter when Lexi and Lola come back into the room, snapping him out of his thoughts.
Lola’s looking at him like she knows everything and as far as he knows, she probably does. But she’s looking at him like she feels sorry for him and Ben feels exhausted all over again.
“Right princess-,” he starts, leaning down to help Lexi zip her coat up, “-Daddy’s going back to bed for a bit. You be a good girl for Mummy when she takes you to school, alright?”
“I’m always a good girl,” Lexi bites back, rolling her eyes. “If you’re tired you can borrow the unicorn from my room! It has magic sleeping powers that are only for me, but I’ll share them with you this one time.”
Ben pulls her in for a hug and peppers kisses across her forehead and on the top of her hair. He laughs when she moans about him getting her braid messy, so he holds his hand up in surrender and stands back up.
He watches her walk to the door Callum had just left through, watches as she waves at him whilst she skips across the room. Ben doesn’t take his eyes away from her and he can’t help the grin that spreads across his face when she signs at him.
I love you, Daddy.
Ben signs it back. It’s a little messy, but Lexi seems to understand the point. He watches her leave out of the kitchen window, sees her holding tightly to Lola’s hand as she skips down the street until she disappears from view and he’s alone again.
It’s almost ironic, he thinks, how a house this big can feel so suffocatingly small when he’s alone in it.
He takes the time to clear the table of the plates and bowls and rinses them in the sink and when he can’t manage to distract himself with anything else, he heads back up to bed. He sleeps in Callum’s sweatshirt because it makes him feel safe and purposefully doesn’t let himself think about falling in love with Callum Highway.
-
When he wakes next, it’s to someone shaking him awake and he sits bolt upright, his fight or flight kicking in.
It takes a second for his eyes to adjust to the dark, but when they do, he can make out the familiar silhouette of his mother standing by the door, hands raised in surrender like she’s trying to placate him. She’s saying something, but Ben can’t see or hear what it is.
“What?” he’s asking once he manages to fumble around and grab his glasses. He blinks a few times when everything suddenly becomes clearer and tries to focus on what she’s saying.
“I’m sorry,” Kathy insists, flicking the light on. She feels a little guilty when Ben squints and hides his eyes against the harsh intrusion. “I didn’t mean to scare you.”
“You didn’t scare me,” he insists, defensive. His mum just gives him the look and he gives up on pretending. “What are you even doing here anyway? Trying to make sure I’m keeping out of trouble?”
“No. Why? Should I be?”
Ben just rolls his eyes. “Well, thanks for the concern, Mum. But I don’t need a babysitter.”
“That’s not what yesterday suggests.” Kathy sighs and holds a hand up to cut Ben off before he can get even more defensive. “Look, I didn’t come here to have a go at you, I just thought you could use the company.”
“I don’t need company. I’m fine.”
“And I knew you’d say that. Which is why I brought over some lunch from the cafe. It’s downstairs if you want to join me.”
Ben narrows his eyes. “That’s blackmail.”
“I prefer the term bribery.”
They stare at each other for a while, wondering which one of them will break first.
It’s Ben. But only because his body betrays him and his stomach growls like it knows there’s an offer of food on the table.
“Fine. But I’m not here for a therapy session, I’m here for chips,” Ben says, standing up from the bed and catching a glimpse of himself in the mirror. He debates changing and maybe putting his contacts in, but this sweatshirt still smells like Callum and he doesn’t want to change out of it. He makes a mental note to be extra careful when he’s eating so he doesn’t spill anything on it.
The food’s already waiting on the table when he gets downstairs, packed tightly in one of the plastic takeaway containers from the cafe. Ben grabs two plates, one for him, and one for his mum, before he starts eating.
His mouth is half full when he feels the hand on his arm and looks up.
“I saw Callum earlier.”
Ben chews slowly to give himself some time to think. “So?” he says once he’s swallowed.
“So, he looked tired, Ben. Like he hadn’t slept. And you don’t look much better yourself,” Kathy says, her hand still resting on Ben’s arm.
“Well thanks for that, Mum. Way to boost my ego.”
“You know that isn’t what I meant by that. It’s just that I’m worried about you. He’s worried about you,” she says, and Ben can’t hear it, but he knows her voice is dripping with worry and it makes him feel sick. He pushes his plate away.
“I know,” Ben says, swallowing hard around the lump that had managed to form in his throat. He tries not to think about their fight, about the bone deep fear he’d felt when Callum had said I don’t want to do this anymore, but the house has been empty and it’s easy to let his mind wander when he doesn’t have any distractions. “Believe me, Mum. I know.”
Kathy taps Ben’s arm to get his attention again. “Are you two alright?” she’s asking, and Ben doesn’t even begin to know how to answer that question. So, he just shrugs.
“We had a fight,” he admits when she presses him for more. “He tried to leave; said he didn’t want to do this anymore. I convinced him to stay and we went to bed.”
He purposefully doesn’t tell her that he spent half the night shaking in Callum’s arms. It was like a dam had broken and once he’d started, he couldn’t stop. Like everything he’d been trying to ignore flooded to the surface all at once.
Losing his hearing. Dennis’ death. Callum’s kidnapping. Lexi getting hit by that car. The operation.
There’s more, Kathy knows there is. “And?” she prompts, giving Ben the room to say as much or as little as he wants. She knows her son, and she knows that if she pushes too far, Ben will clam up.
“And now I don’t know where we stand. I woke up and he wasn’t there, he tried to leave when he caught sight of me. He said he’d be over later so we can talk.” Ben takes a breath and balls his hands into fists to get them to stop shaking. “I can’t lose him, Mum.”
“Ben we all do stupid things sometimes. Maybe not almost-cheat-on-my-boyfriend-steal-a-car-get-arrested type stupid, but my point still stands.”
Ben gawps at her for a second, and he sees her mouth a confused ‘what?’ at him. “You think I was going to cheat on him?”
“Ben, I know you left together. And Tina told me what she’d seen when I spoke to her.”
“Does Callum think I was going to cheat on him?” he asks, voice a little breathless. He tries desperately to remember the fight now, to remember everything Callum had said. Everything had been so loud and fast and his ears had been ringing since Callum had almost walked away.
Kathy narrows her eyes, confused. “He was there when I got the call from Jack, he knows you and this guy left together.”
“Because I wanted his car, Mum. Not because I wanted to get off with him.” He’s panicking again, he knows he is. “I need to see him. I have to talk to him.”
Kathy reaches out and grabs Ben’s hand when he tries to stand, and she can feel how hard he’s shaking. “Ben, calm down,” she’s saying. “Running around the square looking for him isn’t going to do you any good.”
“I don’t care, Mum!” Ben insists, pulling away from her and letting the sleeves of Callum’s sweatshirt roll down over his hands. “I just… I can’t lose him again, I almost lost him once and I can’t do it again. I won’t.”
He grips the edges of the counter and squeezes his eyes closed to try and fight off the ringing in his ears. “Nothing in this world scares me more than losing him.”
He flinches when he feels a hand on his back.
“Don’t you think he needs to hear that from you?” Kathy asks when Ben finally turns his head to look at her.
He knows, Ben wants to say, but doesn’t.
He thinks back to their argument – to what he managed to understand of it, anyway. He thinks about Callum saying he’s tired of taking a backseat, of him thinking Ben walks all over him. He thinks about Callum asking do I even cross your mind? and wants to tell him that he never leaves it. That he’s the first thing he thinks about in the morning and the last thought he has before he goes to sleep.
Ben nods and leans into his mum’s arms when she pulls him in for a hug and drops a kiss on the top of his head.
“I have to get back to work,” she tells him when they pull apart from the hug. “Talk to Callum, alright? He’s good for you. You’re good for each other. And anybody with eyes in their head can see that the two of you love each other.”
It’s the second time today he’s thought about the idea of loving Callum, of letting himself love Callum and the thought is just as terrifying as it was this morning.
By the time he remembers how to speak, Kathy’s already smiling at him from the door and leaving without so much as a goodbye from him.
Ben sinks into one of the chairs at the kitchen table and holds his head in his hands. He’s fucked. He’s completely and utterly fucked.
He’s in love with Callum Highway.
-
[From Ben, 14:38PM]
Can we talk?
[From Callum, 14:45PM]
Still with Stuart. Tonight?
[From Ben, 14:46PM]
Sure. Yours? We might actually get some privacy there.
[From Callum, 15:01PM]
You saying you don’t like Lexi’s constant interruptions?
[From Ben, 15:05PM]
My biggest regret in life is not enforcing the knocking rule sooner.
But this is important. I don’t want any interruptions.
[From Ben, 15:06PM]
Please?
[From Callum, 15:08PM]
I’ll kick Stuart out for a bit then. Does 7 sound good?
[From Ben, 15:08PM]
7 works. See you then.
[From Callum, 15:10PM]
See you.
-
Ben turns up a little before seven. He debates waiting outside for a bit but decides him lingering outside Callum’s flat would be weirder than turning up early. His hand closes around the key in his pocket that Callum had given him a few weeks ago, and wonders if he should let himself in.
He rings the buzzer.
“It’s me,” he says once Callum answers, and then the door’s opening and he’s walking up the stairs.
Callum’s waiting for him when he gets to the top. He’s leaning against the wall with his arms folded across his chest in that way he only does when he’s feeling particularly vulnerable – like he’s trying to hold himself together.
“Hey,” Callum says, his voice soft.
“Hi,” Ben says back. He doesn’t know what to do here; doesn’t know what the protocol is. He wants to kiss Callum the way they always do when they haven’t seen each other for hours, but he doesn’t know if he should. Instead, he settles for unbuttoning his jacket and hanging it up on the pegs near the stairs.
“Do you want-” Callum starts, but cuts himself off when he remembers that Ben can’t hear him. He pushes himself up from the wall he’s leaning on and puts his hand on Ben’s shoulder to get his attention.
Ben flinches, which isn’t exactly the reaction he’d been expecting. He’s nervous. Callum doesn’t need to feel the tension in his shoulders to know that, he can almost feel the nervous energy radiating off of Ben in waves.
“Do you want a drink?”
“I’m good, thanks.”
He puts his hand over Callum’s for a second and smiles up at him when he walks past and into the flat. He sits on the sofa and Callum follows a minute later; he’s got himself a beer which he clutches in his hands like it’s his only lifeline. Ben knows it’s only a matter of minutes before he’ll start anxiously tearing at the label and making a mess.
“I wasn’t going to cheat on you,” Ben starts. It’s important that he says that first so that Callum knows. Ben needs him to hear it. “It never even crossed my mind, Callum. Why would it?”
“You tell me. You were the one trying to leave a bar with another man.”
Callum can’t look at him and, just as Ben had thought, he starts tearing at the label on the beer bottle.
“I don’t know what I was thinking. I just wanted to prove that I still could, you know?”
Callum shakes his head and takes a swig of the beer. “No, Ben. That’s just it, I don’t know because you don’t talk to me. So, what was it then? You just wanted to prove to the world that you could still go out and pull some random bloke? Isn’t it enough that I love you?”
“Of course it is Callum I-”
“And then you go and nick a car too? Did you ever stop to think about what I would do if you went to prison? What Lexi would do?” Callum pauses for a second to catch his breath. “Do you really want to see her growing up without a dad all because you felt like you had something to prove to the world?”
“Callum you’re… you’re talking too fast,” Ben mumbles. He doesn’t want to admit it at first; wants to carry on pretending like he can understand what Callum’s saying when he’s only catching a handful of words that tumble from his lips.
Callum looks guilty when he apologises and even after Ben reassures him that it isn’t his fault, they’re both still tense.
“I can’t-” Callum stops and draws in a breath when his voice comes out shaky. “I can’t keep putting everything I am into us and getting scraps of you in return, Ben. It isn’t fair.”
His words hit Ben like a punch to the face, but he can’t argue because he knows there’s some truth behind them. He knows that whenever Callum tries to pull him closer, he responds by pushing him further away; it’s been his default for as long as he can remember.
“You’re right,” Ben says, avoiding Callum’s gaze when he speaks. “I thought I could do this on my own, that I could go on like everything was normal when I know it isn’t and the harder you tried to help the more I pushed you away. And then everything with Danny happened and I just felt… broken, I guess? Useless?”
Callum looks like he wants to protest, or reassure him, but Ben cuts him off by shifting a little closer on the couch and reaching out to take his hands.
“There is nothing in this world that I’m afraid of more than losing you, Callum.” He brushes his thumb across Callum’s knuckles, feels the way the grip on his hands tightens a little. “When I thought I’d lost you once it almost destroyed me. And yesterday when I thought you were going to walk away from me, I was terrified. You asked me if you even cross my mind, but the truth is you never leave it; I’m never not thinking about you.”
“Ben…” Callum trails off, but clearly his boyfriend isn’t finished.
“And I know I need to do better, that I need to stop pushing you away and taking things out on other people. I know I need to change.”
Callum drops one of Ben’s hands and reaches out to cup his cheek when he says that, thumb brushing softly over the skin there. “I don’t want you to change, Ben. I just want you to know that you don’t have to do this alone. You’re allowed to be angry and upset about it all because no matter how much you try and deny it, this is a big deal. And it’s okay to be scared.”
Ben nods and turns his head to press a kiss to Callum’s palm.
“You know, when Kathy told me that you and that guy were supposed to be leaving together, it hurt, Ben. It hurt like I’d never felt before and I can’t go through that again. I can’t be constantly worrying that when things get tough, you’ll go out and try and pick up some bloke to make it easier. I can’t be a second choice.” It hurts to say, but Callum knows it needs to be said; that he needs to say it just as much as Ben needs to hear it.
“You’re not a second choice, you never could be a second choice, Callum,” Ben’s insisting and he’s squeezing his hands like he’s afraid Callum will disappear if he doesn’t hold on tight enough.
Callum wants to believe him; he really really does.
“You’re my first and last choice. Why would I even look at anybody else when I have you? You’re funny, and sweet, and smart, and incredibly sexy, and you can do things with your mouth that should probably be illegal-” Callum laughs at that, and even though Ben can’t hear it, it still manages to spread warmth through him.
“And I…” Ben trails off, drawing in a deep breath. He has to tell him. Callum has to know. But that doesn’t make it any easier. It doesn’t change the fact that the last time he said those three words to somebody, they ended up dead.
But Callum deserves to know.
So he tells him.
“I love you.”
His voice is shaking, and it’s softer than it’s been all night, but he’s said it. He’s said it and it feels like he can remember how to breathe again; like a weight’s been lifted from his shoulders.
Callum looks at him, lips parted like he can’t quite believe what he’s heard, and Ben wonders why he’s waited so long to tell him when it feels like he’s always known.
“What did you say?” Callum asks, breathless.
“I said I love you, Callum. I love you and I’m in love with you and it feels like I’ve loved you forev-”
He’s cut off by the feeling of Callum’s lips against his own, and it takes less than a second for Ben to kiss him back. He scoots closer on the sofa until their legs are pressed together and Callum’s cupping his cheeks and Ben has one hand on his thigh. Callum kisses him until he’s breathless and then keeps going.
Ben doesn’t know how it happens, but when they manage to tear their mouths away from each other he’s got one of his legs thrown over Callum’s lap so he’s straddling him with his hands in his hair. Callum’s hands have managed to push his shirt halfway up his back and are running across the exposed skin, making Ben shiver.
“We should-” Ben starts but is cut off by his boyfriend before he can offer a suggestion.
“Bedroom?”
“Yeah.”
Ben scrambles up from Callum’s lap and goes to offer him his hand, but he’s already rising to his feet and pulling Ben against him for another kiss as he walks them towards his bedroom. Callum’s hands on the small of his back make Ben feel safe even as he’s being walked backwards.
Somewhere along the way Ben loses his shirt, and Callum’s belt isn’t far behind it.
Callum kicks the door shut once they’ve stumbled into the bedroom together. The curtains are already closed and have been so for days. He hasn’t been spending much time here as of late, preferring instead to stay over at the Mitchell house with Ben and the others. The only time he’d been back here was to pick up some clothes whenever he’d needed them.
Ben gasps when the back of his legs hit the bed and he’s pushed down so that he’s laying on it. He barely gets a chance to breathe because almost instantly Callum’s on top of him and kissing him again and it’s Ben’s turn to slide his own hands up the back of his shirt.
“Cal!” he moans, tilting his head back when the other man kisses his way from Ben’s lips, across his jaw, and down to his neck. It hadn’t taken Callum long to figure out that Ben’s neck was his weakness, and he exploited it as much as he could.
Callum continues his assault on Ben’s neck – leaving marks in the shape of his mouth that won’t be fading any time soon – until his boyfriend is whining and gripping onto his shirt like it’s the only thing keeping him anchored.
“Off,” Ben says, tugging at the shirt in question until it gets caught on Callum’s shoulders.
“Say please,” Callum replies, with the most shit-eating grin that Ben’s ever seen.
Ben narrows his eyes as he hitches his legs up around Callum’s waist and uses the momentum he gains from pushing himself up from the bed to flip them over so that he’s the one straddling Callum now.
“Are you trying to get me to beg?” he asks, pinning Callum’s wrists down either side of his head against the bed. It’s not hard enough to hurt, and it’s loose enough that Callum could get free if he wanted to. But Ben knows he doesn’t want to.
“That depends on whether or not it’s working.” Callum makes sure he can read his lips when he speaks, but then he’s leaning up and kissing him again. He sinks his teeth playfully into Ben’s bottom lip when he pulls back just enough to catch his breath, and Ben responds by licking his way into Callum’s mouth when they next kiss and teasing his tongue against his own.
Their back-and-forth is one of the things Ben loves most about this; it’s something he’d never got with any of his one-night stands. Callum gives as good as he gets, and it gets Ben going more than it probably should.
“I might need a little more convincing.”
Ben’s teasing, and it’s definitely the wrong idea because Callum’s rolling them over again and working his way down his neck. He sinks his teeth into the juncture where Ben’s neck meets his shoulder which tears a moan from his mouth. He soothes the sting that leaves with his tongue before working his way down his chest, alternating between leaving a litany of kisses and bites as he goes.
“I think that can be arranged,” Callum bites back, holding Ben’s gaze as he unzips his jeans and shoves them down for him to kick to the floor.
And then he’s got his mouth on him and Ben buries one of his hands in Callum’s hair and curls the other into the blanket beneath him. He’s swearing and moaning, and it doesn’t take him long to start begging, something which he knows makes Callum feel smug.
“Fuck, babe, I love you…” he trails off, tipping his head back against the pillows and letting himself get lost in the feeling of Callum.
-
It’s late when they finally roll apart from each other. Neither of them know how long they’ve been at it but the streets have long since gone quiet so it must be pretty late. The room smells like sweat and sex and them and Ben thinks he could spend the rest of his life in this room with Callum and he’d die a happy man.
It takes even longer for them both to come down off the high of each other and catch their breaths, but when they do, Ben has his head resting on Callum’s chest and an arm slung over his waist and Callum’s arm is around Ben. He’s tracing the tips of his fingers up and down the length of Ben’s back absently. They both feel safe like this – wrapped up in their own little bubble.
Eventually, Callum cups Ben’s jaw with his free hand and uses it to tilt his boyfriends head up to face him. Ben’s smiling at him all soft and sweet and he thinks about how he might have gone his whole life not knowing that love could feel like this. Like anything could feel like this.
“Say it again,” he hums.
Ben rolls his eyes and leans up for a chaste kiss. “I love you,” he says once he pulls back, and he can feel the way Callum’s smiling when he leans in for another kiss.
They still have a long way to go, they both know that. And it won’t be easy or simple. But they have each other. They love each other. And maybe that’s enough.