Chapter Text
Her nail polish is chipped, what with all the deep-cleaning she's done since dawn, and the pale yellow coming off feels like another chip in her armor, another thing that doesn't quite feel or look good no matter how much she's tried to make it so.
Madison looks anxiously around her living-room - shiny and pristine, not a thing out of place - and she has to force down the urge to grab a sponge and clean the coffee table again. It's stupid, she knows, but she wants everything to look perfect, to make today perfect in a way nothing until now has been. Perfect is managing a whole conversation with Kevin without crying, or babbling out things like how she knows he doesn't want this with her, not really, because things like this will bring her to tears, and ruin the whole not crying in front of Kevin thing; perfect means getting to talk to someone about this and stop feeling so alone in what must be the greatest, scariest adventure of her life.
She hadn't planned on telling Kevin at the party - she hadn't planned on telling him, ever, to be honest, if it weren't for her doctor. But, Madison figures, if she'd had more time to think about it, she would have imagined a scene like something from a movie she could so perfectly picture Kevin in, maybe slipping an envelope at him with baby pictures inside across a table at a coffee shop like she's a private detective or from the Irish mob. Maybe it'd even be raining. Madison shakes her head; this is Los Angeles, not Boston, and definitely not that movie with the cop and the mole and which one would Kevin play, Matt Damon or Leonardo DiCaprio?
A knock on the door rattles her, makes her spill her tea. There's a sharp sting as the warm water hits her skin, and Madison curses as she glances at her watch; he's half an hour early. She'd planned on sitting there and staring at nothing for another full thirty minutes, let herself imagine all the things that could go wrong so she could mentally prepare herself for them, and now Kevin's there, and she's spilled tea and her nail polish is chipped. Everything's a disaster.
There's no composing herself to face him; he is, after all, the father of her unborn children, plural, and apart from a night of the wildest sex she's ever had and a very uncomfortable fight in a hospital waiting room, it's not like they have much to talk about - except, of course, this, and life definitely hasn't prepared her for this. She calls out, "I'm coming," and regrets it instantly, dabs at her spilled tea with a tissue and stuffs it into her pocket, feels the fabric get wet and exhales heavily. When she opens the door she's met with a bunch of flowers, tons of flowers, really, moss roses and daisies and pansies, all the flowers of all the city's flower shops, so many she hardly spots Kevin's head through them.
It triggers an instant response from her, visceral and hormonal, as she blinks her lashes once, twice, to soften the sting. She's seen this scene in half the tv shows she loved as a teen, girl dating the quarterback and prom king, huge stuffed bear and gorgeous grin and pretty promises. But life is not a movie; Kevin isn't here to win her back, never had her in the first place - and neither does she, he's here for the babies, and tears well in her eyes no matter how hard she tries to keep them at bay.
"I'm sorry I was such an asshole," Kevin starts and startles her. "I was going through something with my mother and my brother, and I was an asshole to you, and I shouldn't have made you pay for my bad mood. I'm really sorry about that. And that thing I said about us - about it being a mistake we didn't need to relive, that was such an asshole move. Like, damn." He pauses, meets her eye. "When someone tells you they're pregnant you shouldn't walk out the door, and -"
"Come in, maybe?" Madison interrupts him, opening the door wider. "I don't want my neighbor finding out I'm pregnant before I get to tell Kate."
Kevin freezes for half a second, and Madison does, too. It's one thing to think about telling Kate, and another saying it out loud. She gestures him in, and Kevin half thrusts the bouquet into her hands before pulling it back. "Do you have a vase? I'll get these in water."
Madison almost argues that she's not an invalid yet, because this is clearly what transpires from Kevin's nervousness, but it's sweet. She goes back to the couch and waves lazily at the kitchen space. She watches as Kevin goes through her cupboards, finds a vase, fills it with water and props it on her table. It fills up the room; makes it more lively. Madison wonders what he thinks of her house, so clean and tidy and clinical; if he notices the faint smell of detergent, the rawness around her nails and cuticles. Does he realize she's gone on a cleaning spree because of how nervous she's been, imagining him in her space?
The man had her upside down during that night, and here she feels nervous, almost intimidated by him, somehow, it's ridiculous. Madison shakes her head to herself, doesn't realize Kevin has come closer until he's standing beside the couch, and takes a seat beside her. She pulls up her legs beneath her on instinct, retreats back; readies herself for the worst.
"Madison."
"Thanks for the flowers," she says lamely, conversational. Now that he's here, talking about the pregnancy is the last thing she feels like doing. "They're beautiful."
"Madison, hey." He tilts his head, puppy-like, and finds her eyes. "When a woman tells you she's pregnant with your kid - kids - flowers are the least you can do."
His eyes fall to her belly; it's still flat, Madison knows it, deep down, even though she has to remind herself every day that she's not getting fat with every passing minute. She's been wearing loose shirts and blouses, trying to hide a bump that only exists in her head. She needs to tell Kevin about it, how dark it gets in there; but he's looking at her, at her belly, with such fondness, she doesn't want to burst his bubble.
She wraps her arms around herself and Kevin's eyes snap back into focus, meeting hers. There's a strange mix of fear and excitement in them; Madison knows the feeling. She's had weeks now to get used to this inconceivable concept, her being pregnant - pregnant with her best friend's brother's babies - and Kevin's only known for two days. He's doing far better than she did in the first few days, all things considered. "I, uh, I know I'm the one who said we should meet up and talk," Kevin starts, uneasy as he clears his throat. "But, uh, believe me when I say this is the first time someone has ever said it's twins, Kevin, to me, and I - I don't know what to do or say about that. And I know that must sound stupid to you after I said I was there for you, but, I feel like..." Kevin wipes his hand across his mouth; gnaws at his thumbnail. "I feel like I have to tell you, you know? I don't know what I'm doing here. I'll do whatever you want from me. I'm gonna be here. But I don't know what I'm supposed to do right now."
He's agitated; his fingers are flexing, his eyes wide and intently focused on her. There's a slight frown burrowed between his brows, Madison almost reaches out on instinct to smooth it out. "I don't know either," she shrugs. "I meant what I said. I was going to do this alone. I - I don't know how we're supposed to do this together, either."
Kevin nods as she speaks. "Yeah, I know. I didn't mean to - Jesus, I don't know what to say." He shakes his head. "Actually, no, I mean, yes, I know. I should have said it the other day but I was...well, you know how I was." The corner of his mouth twitches up, a small grin, and Madison has a flash of that night, talking and sharing all evening in Kate's living-room; of another night, Kate and Toby's wedding, of feeling frivolous and carefree and taking Kevin's hand in hers and bringing him to the dance floor. It's that smile - it's that very smile, Kevin Pearson style, movie star gorgeous, shy and soft and real, that's been her undoing. This time, it's Kevin's hand reaching for hers. It's weird, in the daylight, the feel of his big hand wrapped around hers, but Madison lets him. "You said you were sorry. I'm not." Madison's eyebrows shoot up her forehead. "I know I called it a mistake, and -"
"The whole stupid thing," Madison interrupts him. "It's what you called it, actually. Not a mistake - a stupid thing."
Kevin sighs; squeezes her hand involuntarily, she believes. "God, I know. It's like - this was a terrible thing to say, really." She shrugs. She can't pretend it didn't sting, but it didn't hurt. Sleeping with your closest friend's brother is a stupid thing to do according to any and every girl rule, and it's not like she's in love with the guy and has been pining for him forever. It was a one-night stand, and it was supposed to stay that way - no hurt feelings. Madison makes to pull her hand away but Kevin holds on. "No, Madison, please. Hear me out. I'm doing this all wrong."
"I don't think there's a right way to do this, Kevin," Madison soothes, soft.
"Yeah, well, movies say there is," Kevin disagrees. "Like, there should have been a romantic, very chaste courtship, followed by a betrothal, and -"
Madison laughs. "What is this, a Jane Austen movie? This is 2020, Kevin." She bites at her lip. "What kind of movies do you even watch? Really."
Kevin smiles. "The 2005 Pride and Prejudice adaptation is a masterpiece."
"How many girls did you get to sleep with you just by saying that?" This time Madison does pull her hand, and crosses her arms over her chest. "You know what? Don't tell me. This is not a Jane Austen movie. If anything this is a Judd Apatow movie, except you're way hotter than Seth Rogen."
Kevin laughs, and there's something light and bubbly in his laughter, Madison feels like there's a weight in her chest lifting at the same time. No matter how shitty and scary and surreal this whole situation is, there are two things no one will ever be able to take away from her: she slept with actual movie star Kevin Pearson, and their children will be movie star gorgeous like him. At the one-night stand draw, she won the lottery. "Well, uh, thanks," he grins. "You're not so bad yourself. I - I had a point, before this whole thing got derailed."
He makes to take her hand again, and she's weak for it, Madison realizes as she so easily lets him. "You had a point."
"I did. I do," Kevin nods. "I've been trying to tell myself that what happened between us only happened because I'd had a hard day with Sophie. That's what I told Kate, that's what I told you, and in a way it's true, but it's not the only reason."
At that, Madison feels her throat closing up. It's the hormones and the fear all mixed up together; fear of what Kevin will say, what other men have told her before. That they dated or slept with her because it was easy; because she was pretty and there, but nothing more. She told him so - she told him about the five guys in a row who broke up with her because they couldn't see a future with her. "Kevin..."
"You made me tea, and -"
Madison blinks. "You had sex with me because I made you tea?"
"No," Kevin chuckles. "I mean, it's part of it. You've got to let me lead you through the whole process here, okay? It's, like - I was drowning, that day. If I'm honest, I've been drowning for a long time. God, this is the worst, I'm sorry." He scoots closer, drawing her hand with both of his to his lap. There's this edge of vulnerability again; Madison bites at the inside of her cheek, he's just so attractive to her right now. "I was having a bad day, and you made it better. Not the sex, not the tea - you. I did not expect that. I went to Kate's that day, expecting to play with Jack, and there I found you, and you were just - you were funny and kind, and, Madison, you're gorgeous. You're gorgeous, that didn't hurt, and I've noticed." His crooked smile twists at her insides. "You weren't a mistake, you were a breath of fresh air, Madison. And I don't regret that."
Her vision blurs for a second, as Madison can't help the couple of tears that roll past her cheek. Kevin notices that, too. He opens his mouth but she stops him, inhales and exhales heavily before she speaks. "It's hormones. Just hormones. Go on. I mean, if you weren't done -"
"I wasn't," Kevin says, squeezing her hand. "I don't regret that night. Do I wish I could change things so we wouldn't be in this situation? Of course. I'm not gonna lie. This - this is far from ideal. This is not how I ever expected to become a dad, and I'm sure this isn't how you imagined things, either. But, I figure, if you want to go through with this, and I do too, then - it's up to us to make the best of it, right?" He pauses, scrutinizes her face. "Now I'm done."
She looks down at their joined hands, bites down on her lip, hard enough that it stings. She refuses to cry, but, "Wow," is what she breathes out. "Kevin, that was..." She looks up, finds Kevin staring at her with the sort of tenderness she's seen him direct at Kate, and that's what gets to her. They might not be a couple, and they might not even like each other that much, but he looks at her like family already - and this is what they will be, through the twins. Family. It's a strange notion to her, considering her own relatives. "I don't know what to say."
She doesn't, and she does. Madison wants to tell him that she doesn't regret it, either; that he might have been the first one, or the first one in a long, long time, with whom she didn't feel like she needed to angle her body that way to hide the extra weight on her hips, or turn off the lights. That the afternoon they spent talking on Kate's couch meant a lot more to her than she'll ever be able to tell; Kate is her only real friend, and he'd felt like he could be, too, even for just a few hours.
All things considered, he's definitely not the worst person she could be going through this with. He's a good guy; an almost-friend. Maybe it can all work out in the end.
She pulls away first; this time he lets her hand go. Madison reaches for her tea, grimaces when she finds it cold. She's up on her feet and in the kitchen before Kevin can even react. "Want something?" she asks as she puts the kettle on.
Kevin blinks, stares at the spot she had been a second before, then at her. "Tea's good."
He keeps staring at her; she feels his gaze on her, she almost feels naked. Madison pulls at the lapels of her cardigan; ties the knot a little tighter around her front. It's going to take her a while, getting used to his intensity. It's like he can see through her clothes, her walls; and what he sees she doesn't know, and it terrifies her. "Can you stop -" she starts, her hands balling into fists. Madison grips at the kitchen counter, forces herself to breathe through gritted teeth. "Kevin, can you -"
"What?"
He hasn't moved, and she's grateful for it. If he'd gotten up and come closer she would have felt overwhelmed. She turns to him, leans her hip against the kitchen counter for support. "You can't look at me like that, Kevin."
He has the audacity to look taken aback, cocking an eyebrow at her. Damn, he's good. "Like what?"
Like I mean something to you. It sounds corny and stupid even inside her own head. Madison closes her eyes and runs a hand through her hair. It's the hormones, she reasons herself; the hormones and the shock and the tension from all these weeks lying to Kate, all these lonely nights whispering to herself I'm pregnant if only to hear a voice say it out loud. It's the visits to her doctor on her own, or her sessions with her therapist, crying about the baby, then the babies, and all the things she's so afraid of doing wrong because of all the things that are wrong about her. And here Kevin is, looking at her like she's precious all of a sudden because she's carrying his children, when ultimately she's still no more than a stranger to him, a girl he slept with among others.
She can't have that. If she allows herself to believe she could mean something to him, then he's going to start meaning something to her; and then she's going to start seeing things that are not there, and build something out of every smile and gentle word from him. It's an endless slippery slope once you start falling.
And Kevin Pearson - God, he's exactly the kind of man she could let herself fall for. But he can't be the sixth guy in a row running away.
Madison bites at her tongue. They're two days in this whole all in thing. She can't tell him things like that; can't go babbling about her fears and insecurities and crying about just how utterly terrified she is of being pregnant, or becoming a mother, or being in a relationship, whatever it is called what they're doing. "You're just a bit - overwhelming. That's all." She waves vaguely at his face. "That thing you do, with your eyes. The whole movie star thing. It has to stop."
He cracks a smile. "That's my face. I can't really turn it off."
The kettle whistles, and Madison focuses on pouring their tea. "Well, tune it down, a little." She means to go back to the couch, then turns back at the last minute and opens a drawer, pulls an envelope from it. Her fingers tremble just slightly as she hands it to him. "That's, uh, you can't see much, it's a bit grainy, but they're baby pictures, if - if you want to see."
His whole face lights up, it's pretty hard not to share the excitement. "Yeah," he breathes, "yes, please." He pats the spot next to him, and maybe that's it, Madison feels, the moment when this turns into a we situation for real, the both of them sitting down and looking at their babies. Kevin traces the shapes with his finger, awestruck. "Is that - is that a nose?" he asks.
Madison squints her eyes. "Yeah, um, that's Baby A's nose. This is not the best picture. Baby A doesn't seem to be very camera-prone. No movie star material, I'm afraid."
Kevin laughs, eyes gleaming as he turns to her. It's something else, watching him look at the pictures for the first time. There's unadulterated joy there, something so genuine he can't be faking it. The whole no crying in front of Kevin rule becomes very, very difficult to follow. Madison gulps hard.
His hand cups her knee, squeezes it. He goes through the pictures in silence, his hand resting there, and Madison's fingers clench into the throw pillows as she tries to force down memories of his hands elsewhere on her body.
"You can keep those, if you want," she offers. She had her doctor print multiple copies; there's this envelope from the kitchen drawer, that she looks through before every meal; the envelope in her dresser, when she looks in the mirror and flinches; the copies she keeps in her purse, folded in a side pocket just in case Kate needs to look for her wallet or something.
She really wishes she could tell Kate. But it's too soon, and Kate will be mad, and she needs to tell Kevin first, about the minefield inside of her. She needs to tell him before he gets so invested in he starts wanting to tell people, or make plans.
Kevin surprises her as he loops an arm around her shoulders and draws her in. "Thank you," he whispers, and Madison doesn't know if he's thanking her for the pictures, or for telling him. It doesn't really matter which; he's solid and warm and he smells so, so good, she can't help inhaling deeply. "Madison - thank you. Really."
She nods her head as she pulls back. "Sure, you're welcome." His smile is contagious; Madison's lips curve on their own. She runs a hand through her hair, pulls a little at the ends of her locks. "Listen, Kevin. There - there are a few things I need to tell you."
His smile fades a little as he grows more serious. "Okay. Sure. You name it and I'll do it."
Her mouth feels cotton-dry all of a sudden. Madison sips at her tea, buys herself some time. Kevin laces his fingers together, leans in a little; he's focused and intent and it makes it ten times harder. "You can't tell Kate, or anyone." His jaw clenches involuntarily, but she catches it, the tick there, even though Kevin nods. "I want to tell Kate. She's my best friend. But not before the end of the first trimester. Not until my doctor deems it safe."
Her voice wavers at the possibility. She's read everything and its contrary on the internet about her condition; she's talked it through with her doctor, who's been as reassuring as he could be without lying to her, and her therapist, who's helping her make a list of all the fears and challenges the pregnancy poses to her. But Madison can't be sensible about this, no matter how many lists she makes. Even with a normal pregnancy the risks of miscarriage are a given at this early stage, and her pregnancy is as far from normal as it can get.
She needs to tell him.
"Hey, Madison," he reaches out, pats her knee. "Don't worry, okay? You're young, and you're healthy -"
"Stop it. Please." Madison breaks her own rule then, can't stop the tears from welling in her eyes and rolling. It's the downside of a miracle, just how much dread it will end it carries. Kevin's hand at her knee burns through her jeans and she swats at it, swallows back the bile at his hurt and confused look. "I - do you know how Kate and I met?"
Confusion wins over the hurt; Kevin frowns. "Well, uh, no. I mean, the first time she mentioned you she said you were helping her with the wedding. I - I didn't really ask. Why? What does it have to do with -?"
"We met at the Overeaters support group."
Kevin looks at her, bewildered. It's a fairly common reaction from most people at first; a bit suspicious, a lot bewildered. Most people at groups ask her if she's accompanying someone; some, like Kate in the beginning, look at her with anger, like she's crazy or cruel, only pretending to hurt. No one ever believes her when she speaks up. Not her mother, not the girls at school; certainly not all the guys who've gotten annoyed at her for picking at her meal or complaining about her weight.
Then he schools his features. Nods once to himself, laces his fingers again. "Okay."
It's her turn to frown. "Okay? Just like that?" Kevin shrugs. "You believe me?"
"Why wouldn't I believe you?" He sounds so confused. He confuses her. "You said you had a medical history, and I assumed you meant something about infertility..." He shakes his head, wipes the back of his hand across his forehead. "And here I am telling you not to worry." She's the one staring at him now.
If she weren't already crying she would start now.
"Kevin..."
He reaches for the box of tissues on her coffee table, offers her one. Sighs. "You don't have to tell me everything right now. I mean, you don't owe me any explanation, Madison. But you have to know - I'm not gonna judge." He looks her over, and once more she wonders what he sees. His gaze traces every shape and curve of her without a single hint of seduction. He's trying to understand it, she figures, like everybody else does - what the skinny, crazy girl is all about. "I've seen Kate struggle with her body and her weight for as long as I can remember. Hell, I work in an industry where all my co-stars are at least ten years younger than me and still considered too old or too chubby. I get that - body issues are real. And, uh, I don't know what's happening in your head, and I'm not gonna pretend I'm an expert, but - just tell me what you need and I'm gonna be that for you."
Madison wants to kiss him then, just a little. Oh, scratch that, a whole hell lot. But she's crying and her face is gross, her nose running, and Kevin Pearson is a lot more adorable and kind than she knew or expected and it's a lot to take in in her state of hormone-driven disarray. She goes for the next best thing; fumbles for his hand, holds on tight to his fingers. She can feel her chin wobbling; she's exactly two seconds away from silent tears to a huge sobbing fest.
Kevin squeezes back, and the gleam that flickers in his eyes - something she can't quite name - soothes her somehow. It's a nice change, talking to someone who doesn't instantly dismiss everything that she is or feels. "You're a good, good man, Kevin Pearson," she tells him, a little breathless. "If that whole puppy-look thing doesn't win you an Oscar nomination someday I'll - just write to the Academy or something."
He smiles at her, almost shy, then reaches for his tea. They fall in companionable silence for a moment, Kevin sipping his tea, Madison studying him. She doesn't know a whole lot about him, can actually count the things she does know on the fingers of one hand: his devoted love for his high school sweetheart; how much he loves his sister; and how hard he works to stay sober. It's something she knows through Kate; she's heard a lot about Kevin's history with alcohol and pills, and Randall's anxiety. She's heard more about Kate's brothers than she's spent time with them, the afternoon and night with Kevin the longest she'd ever talked and been with him.
And now she's having babies with him.
Tea's not quite strong enough to help her deal with that.
" - and now I don't know what that makes us, the Angry Three? Or the Not-Talking Three? None of them will speak a word about it and I'm so confused and - hey, Madison, are you listening?"
Madison perks up from her salad to find Kate staring at her with an odd look. "Oh. Yeah, sure, I was just - trying to remember if any of them said anything, you know," she starts babbling, "when I got to the party. But both Kevin and Randall were very stiff and angry-looking and they just, sort of went outside to have a go at it and then Kevin came back in and that's it. I don't know what their fight was about, either."
Kate sighs. "Yeah, that's where I'm at, too. They fought about our mom, that's for sure, but I've never seen them - they've never fought like that, you know? Never to the point where they'll straight up refuse to talk to each other, or about it. And I don't know what to do. I hate being in the middle of their egos."
"Maybe you don't have to."
Kate cocks an eyebrow at her. "Yeah, well, that's not how we work. I always get in between them. I listen, I try not to take sides, one of them always eventually says that I'm taking the other's side." She stabs at her turkey with more strength than necessary. "They've been going at it since we were kids - trying to one-up one another."
"But that doesn't mean that you have to interfere all the time," Madison insists. "I mean, they're grown men. Listening to them doesn't mean that you have to get into whatever it is they're fighting about. They'll never learn to fix their problems if you always do it for them."
Kate lets out a chuckle. "You have mastered all of your relationship podcasts, my friend. You should definitely start your own."
Madison laughs. "See? I keep telling you! We should have done that ages ago."
"Yeah, no, I don't think I'll have much time for that now..." Kate nibbles at her bottom lip. "The reason why I wanted us to have lunch wasn't to talk about my brothers being dumb. Even though they are," she laughs. "There was something - I'll show you."
She slides her phone across the table, and Madison looks down, blinks a couple of times, then looks up at Kate, who's radiant. "Are you - I didn't know that you wanted to. Is this for real?"
Kate nods vigorously. "It's fairly new. Toby and I started talking about it on Jack's birthday, actually. But, um, we've been contacting agencies the past couple of weeks, you know, just to get a feel of it, see if that could be a valid option, and..." She shrugs one shoulder, can't help the smile that spread across her face. "And we're getting pretty serious about it. We've started filling all the paperwork, and we've got an appointment in a couple of months, actually."
Madison feels the tears welling in her eyes. She wipes at her cheek with her sleeve, gives Kate her best smile. "God, Kate, I'm so happy for you guys."
Kate is beaming, it does something to Madison's heart; a little dance and a sharp sting, it's suffocating. Kate starts rambling about things Madison doesn't quite hear; she gets a few words, here and there, adoption and Pearson tradition and Toby really wants a girl and Madison starts crying in earnest now.
"Hey, Madison," Kate says, worry laced in her tone as she reaches out, touches a soft hand to Madison's wrist. "Hey, come on, I didn't want to make you cry. This is happy news."
Madison nods, reaches for her napkin and blows her nose. "I know, I'm sorry. I'm just - really, really happy for you."
Kate's smile grows a little smaller. "Are you sure you're okay? You've barely touched your food, and you're the only real person I know who loves quinoa."
"Yeah, no, I'm all right," Madison shakes her head, nods at the same time. She grabs Kate's phone, scrolls through the pictures. "God, they're all adorable. This is such exciting news for you."
She can feel Kate's gaze on her, prays to God her best friend doesn't insist because she's this close to spilling her guts to her about the pregnancy, and she can't, not yet. Luckily Kate seems to drop it and launches into details about the adoption. It's not until they part ways after lunch that Kate looks at her again with this look that seems to go through her, which, now that she's been on the receiving end of a very similar look from Kevin, feels oddly weird and intimate and Madison has to resist the urge to flinch. "You're sure you're okay?" Kate asks again. "Are you feeling sick?"
She does, now that she thinks about it. Madison doesn't know if it's the quinoa - really, quinoa? she'd be, like, the only pregnant woman to be sick of quinoa - or the smells in the restaurant, but her stomach is in a knot. "I'm actually feeling down a bit, yeah. I think I just need to rest a bit. But, hey," she forces herself to perk up and smile, "I want to know everything about the adoption, okay? You let me know."
There's still concern in Kate's eyes, but she softens. "Sure. You call me if you need anything, okay?"
Madison promises. She watches Kate walk back to her car, waves at her until she's a distant point in traffic. Then she reaches for her phone as she starts her walk home, dials the number, and it rings once, twice, and again until it goes to voicemail. "Hey, it's me. I mean, Madison. You said you wanted me to let you know when - you said you wanted to, like, know stuff, so...I, I think I'm starting this whole morning sickness thing? Except it's not morning anymore. But, um, I was having lunch with your sister and I just couldn't bear it, you know? Swallowing down food. And I'm feeling nauseous now. Anyway, uh, gosh, I don't even know why I called you. This is so not what you meant by tell me stuff. I should only call for appointments or, like, if I'm in labor, so, like in months from now, I don't know, I'm sorry and -"
Madison pulls at her hair and deletes the message.
The internet is a scary place for a pregnant woman, Madison has found out pretty quickly. It's a terrifying place for someone like her, all things considered, filled with seemingly harmless things that turn into new triggers. She's found a few tips about nausea, even though she's not sure that it's what's bothering her. The way her insides are twisting is more likely due to her lying to her best friend than morning sickness.
She does feel nauseous though, even after a long soak-in the tub filled with lavender and a cup of lemon tea. Madison can't help thinking of her lunch with Kate, and how weird she must have looked like to her. It's tearing at her, lying to Kate, and the more she does it, the more she sees Kate and doesn't tell her the truth, the scarier it gets imagining telling her at last. But her doctor's appointment isn't until another week, and what good would it be telling Kate now, when Madison's perfectly aware that there's a huge probability this pregnancy will -
A knock at her door interrupts her morbid train of thoughts. Madison frowns, looking at the clock. She's not expecting anyone in the middle of the afternoon; it's not like she gets so many visitors, anyway. She grimaces at her messy, wet hair piled atop her head in the mirror as she goes to the door and opens it, only to find Kevin standing there.
She crosses her arms over her chest; she didn't bother putting on a bra after her bath. Not that it's anything he hasn't seen before, but, still - Madison squirms as he takes her in, wet hair and oversized t-shirt and a pair of old shorts she's pretty sure has a couple holes in them. They are the least sexy pieces of clothing she owns; comforting and safe, and the shirt hides the light swell of her belly, still so small she can pretend she's only eaten too much quinoa.
"Kevin," she breathes, surprised. "What are you -"
"I've tried calling you," he says, aiming for casual, but there's an edge of concern laced in his voice she doesn't expect. "When you called and didn't leave a message, and then didn't answer your phone, I thought - that maybe something had happened."
Madison closes her eyes and pinches at the bridge of her nose. "I - I left my phone in my room before I went to take a bath." She opens the door wider, invites him in. "I'm sorry, Kevin. I didn't mean to worry you."
He looks her over, almost as if he were making sure she's really okay. Then he lets out a slow exhale, chuckles a little. "I...may have overreacted, coming here. I'm sorry. I'm just - still trying to adjust to this whole thing," he says, waving at the space between them. "And I'm finding that - I'm a worrier, okay? I worry. I thought that was Randall's thing, the whole anxiety thing, but apparently not. I worry too. And, uh..."
"Do you want some tea?"
He blinks once, slow. "Do I - do I want some tea?" he stutters, almost dazed. "Yeah, sure. Please." He follows her to the kitchen, and he's so big, he fills up the entire space, Madison feels crowded. It's like her bedroom all over again, the idea and sight of him all tangled in her flowery sheets surreal but she cannot separate the two, it's Kevin and her flowery sheets in her brain and in her space now.
She puts the kettle on and focuses on the steaming water, and he watches her, and it's that afternoon all over again, except now it's happened twice, three times counting today, her making tea and him just being in her orbit, or maybe she's the one in his, it's still kind of crazy, the very idea of them existing on the same plane. She's watched his show for years, and what were the chances, really - Kevin Pearson being her best friend's brother? What were the chances? Kevin Pearson drinking tea in her kitchen shouldn't be a thing; it's a law of the universe, it has to be.
Kevin accepts the mug from her with that movie star smile of his, slow and easy, he's laying on the charm so thick without even realizing it. "You know, I wasn't big on tea until now, but - I think I can get into it, you know, if this turns into a thing."
She doesn't ask what this is. There's no name for sleeping with your best friend's brother and getting pregnant and drinking tea with him in old, ratty clothes in the middle of the afternoon three months later.
There's definitely a name for the flush that starts creeping up her skin at the way Kevin looks at her, though. She's not even sure he's doing it on purpose; but once or twice she catches his eyes dropping to the neckline of her shirt, to her bare legs, and - it's a shame, really, that she doesn't have any real friend other than Kate to talk to, because, damn.
Madison puts her mug down, takes a deep breath. "Listen, Kevin. I'm really sorry I called, and -"
"Don't be." He reaches out, touches her arm for a brief second before dropping it. It's still weird, him reaching out to her like that. "I want you to feel like you can call me anytime, okay? Because you can."
He's sweet - he's so sweet Madison wants to say it, say something, anything, really, say that she's grateful for him, that it's him she's ended up doing this with, or that -
but the nausea comes first.
Bile burns at her throat, and if she thought that the whole ratty t-shirt and bird nest hair get-up was the worst thing to uphold before Kevin Pearson, then the way her stomach heaves and she has to cover her mouth in order not to barf lemon tea on his shoes is a very close second. She swallows the wave down, grimaces at the taste and feel as it scratches down her throat.
"Morning sickness?" Kevin inquires, filling a glass of water for her and handing it to her.
The water makes it worse, washes the bile down and spreads the taste in her mouth. Madison nods. "Lunch sickness. Afternoon sickness. That's, uh - that's why I called you, actually. I was having lunch with Kate and I - I started feeling sick, but I couldn't tell her, right? And she noticed, and I just needed to tell someone, and you said I could..." She shrugs. "It's kind of driving me crazy - okay, crazier - not talking about it."
He nods, comes to lean against the kitchen counter beside her. "I get that. I tell Kate everything. It's, like...I don't know, it's a twin thing, maybe? Maybe the whole twin thing is real, but..." He bites at his lip. "This...doesn't belong to Kate. We can talk to each other about this. And I know I haven't been here for the past two weeks, I've been trying to get my head around how to make this work, and - and I still don't know." Kevin bumps his elbow to hers. "Apparently I don't know how to not freak out when you don't answer your phone, so clearly I'm terrible at dealing with the question of boundaries and limits here, but..."
"Hey, Kevin," Madison interrupts him before she loses her nerve. "Do you want to come to my doctor's appointment next week?"
to be continued