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“Let’s get married,” Remus said as he laid on Patton’s couch with his feet slung over the other man’s lap for the fuck-tillionth time that month. He had always spent a lot of time at Patton’s place, but even more so since his brother kept cuddling with his roommate Logan every night.
Remus was pretty sure having to watch the two of them be all mushy was grosser than them just fucking.
“Gosh and here I thought I was merry enough company already,” Patton laughed.
“No like really dude, Let’s go right now. We’re like what a few hours away from Vegas? We can get married there, easy.”
Patton looked at him, “Are you being serious?”
“Yea!”
Patton spoke slowly, “Remus we aren’t in love.”
“I dunno we’re kinda in love, at least in the friend way. Or I am. Plus, Ya know, you’re my best friend and you look like a good fuck.”
“First of all, Language, second of all, Remus you’re ace???” Patton seemed really confused now.
“No I know, I’m not saying we would fuck I just want my husband to look like a good fuck so I can brag about how staggering you are in bed and leave everyone wondering if I’m serious. If you don’t look like a good fuck, people won’t believe it for a second.”
“Remus, do you even like me that way?”
He froze, e didn’t have an answer for that yet.
“I… I don’t really know,” He said giving up on trying to tease apart his feelings for Patton into a clear box, “Never really got the whole romance thing honestly. Just like… a friend that you also kiss? And like no one said we even have to do that if you don’t want to. I dunno I just I wanna be married and like get a cat or like a venus fly trap, oooh or an octopus! And like do stupid domestic shit. We could get a house and paint it all black and always give out Halloween candy. Or we could have way too many Christmas lights all year like those rich people houses that are like their whole own light show. You like Christmas.”
Patton’s eyes were wide.
“And like the other bit is? If you really wanna do the whole sex and kids thing I still got a working uterus ya know? Like I’m not against sex it just seems like- more funny to me than anything else? Like someone with a dick just comes along and-”
“Remus please I’m trying to process here!” Patton groaned, massaging his temple tiredly.
“Oh sorry…” Remus managed to be quiet for a solid ten seconds, “But no really like kids are cool as fuck! And I already don’t sleep so nothing new there, the only difference is I’d have something to do while I’m awake at night. Ya know take care of the little gremlin. And even if we don’t do the whole kids thing we could go to each other’s family holidays and our families would shut up about ‘Oh pish posh when will you get a boyfriend? I don’t want you to die alone and have your cat eat your body and no one knows your gone until the neighbors smell you rotting away in the-”
Patton had grasped Remus’s hand, “Ree, If i get you a sucker will that help?”
Remus nodded hesitantly. He knew he was talking too fast and he also did not want him to be doing what he was doing. Patton reached into the bowl of suckers on his side table, all of which were green apple blow pops. They came in handy when remus was moving to fast for Patton to keep up with because they occupied his mouth.
Remus popped it into his mouth and it helped some but his brain was still moving too fast.
“Okay,” Patton said gently, “what’s brought this on?”
Remus didn’t want that question to come up. It wasn’t one he could brush off with funny ramblings about whatever popped into his head. He slowly withdrew the candy from his mouth.
“I wanna be yours,” He said not meeting Patton’s eyes and quickly popping it back into his mouth.
“Now I’m going to need some more words kiddo,” Patton said fondly.
“Okay I...ugh I can’t feelings! Fuck!” Remus growled.
“Take your time.”
Remus didn’t know how long he sat there trying to put words together in an order that would let Patton understand his brain right now.
“It’s like- okay imagine this mangy fucking stray dog right?” Remus says sitting up and pulling his legs out of Patton’s lap.
“Okay?”
“And like it’s not a bad dog it just smells and it growls sometimes if you move too close too fast.”
A faint smile was making its way onto Patton’s face, “Alright.”
“And like you gave it food and shit and it started coming back like all the time but it would always go away after a while but like- it got to the point where if you turned on the sprinklers the dog would play in them till it got clean because it knows you don’t pet it as much when it stinks?”
“Cute,” Patton said nodded.
“But ya know how would you feel if the dog just… stayed one day? He’s still just this side of feral but he would make a good pet maybe?”
“Remus you aren’t a mangy stray dog,” Patton said softly.
“Well, I won’t be if you marry me! I will be a slightly cleaner pet dog,” Remus told him, and continued mostly to himself, “A Gaurd dog…”
Patton tilted his head quizzically. Remus started picking at the strings at the bottom of his cutoff shorts
“If- if something happened to you no one would tell me. Your family hates me. If you got hurt I wouldn’t be able to protect you, I wouldn’t even know…” Remus’s voice sounded small even to his own ears, hardly the protector he was trying to act like.
“Remus I’m okay,” Patton squeezed his knee gently.
“Yeah but... you know how last night you tripped on those stairs coming up here? I knew you were fine and it didn’t even hurt, but after I went home I just couldn’t stop thinking. Ya know stupid broken brain repeating dumb thoughts. And it was just you getting hurt over and over and I couldn’t make my brain stop...” He knows his lip is trembling, “If we were married then people would have to tell me if you were hurt. And at night if I got worried you right there and it’s okay.”
“Ree…”
“Sorry I know it’s a bad idea but the thought just popped into my head and the more I thought about the more good it sounded. Plus this horror series I’m making is getting really popular! I could take care of you, i could get us a house. And i can get you chocolate chips ya know? You’re always out and i could give you a whole fund for just chocolate chips.”
It was true he was co-writer and director with his friend on a new horror tv show and it was getting really popular. He and Virgil were practically rich. Okay well not really yet but they were getting there!
“Ree-” Patton repeated. Remus wanted to let him speak but couldn’t stop his mouth
“And I mean if you want we can wait, we don’t have to go to vegas. I can give you a whole fancy wedding if you want and our relationship can be romantic or we could just be basically roommates and just go to the courthouse tomorrow and sign some papers. Whatever you want.”
“Precious,” Patton said, effectively shutting Remus up because no one had ever called him anything like that before, “I would love to marry you but I do need time for a couple of reasons. Reason one is, we should just try living together and see if that’s really something you want. Reason two, I am feeling a lot of emotions for you right now and I don’t want to marry you until I can tell you whether they’re platonic or romantic. And reason three, I need you to think about this because even if it ends up just being platonic I don’t feel super comfortable with… well, I’m very monogamous and I just don’t like the idea of you dating other people even if we’re only platonically married. I don’t know if you’ve noticed but I get jealous easily.”
“Other people boring anyway,” Remus said and he could see some of the tension leave Patton’s face, “But… that’s a yes?”
“If you are really proposing seriously then absolutely.”
“Patton I’m either gonna make a very loud excited noise or kiss you which do you want,” Remus said quickly barely holding back the impulse of excitement coursing through him.
“I think a kiss might be ni-” Patton didn’t get to finish before Remus’s mouth on his cut him off and Remus did everything he could to put into it all his love for patton and his smile, and the way he laid in the sunshine to nap and everything. He tried to tell Patton everything.
By the time they broke apart tears were streaming down Remus’s face but it was okay cuz roman wasn’t here to pick on him. Patton’s thumb brushed over his cheek gently wiping away the tears.
“Are you alright?”
“No, I dropped my sucker when you called me ‘precious’,” Remus complained his voice thick with tears.
Patton got a mischievous look, “Oh well lucky for you I have plenty more to spare, a secret stash that’s reserved for the man I’m going to marry.”
Remus grinned, his voice coming out as a whisper in his disbelief, “Holy fucking shit that’s me!”
Patton passed him a new sucker.
“Holy shit it is,” Patton replied, letting the swear slip solely for Remus. God, he was amazing.