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“You really don’t want to go in there,” a nurse warned Cullen as his long strides carried him to the infirmary. “Please, Commander Cullen!” but he ignored the warnings and hurried up the stairs, coming face to face with the Inquisitor who came through a closed door.
She had a deep gash above her eye and her wrist in a sling, and when she saw Cullen, she paled frowning deeply.
“Cullen,” she warned, her voice hoarse. She stepped in front of him and made Cullen look her in the eyes. “Cullen, please.”
“Just tell me,” Cullen said, bracing himself for the worst. The Inquisitor frowned deeper. “Evelyn,” he pleaded.
“The dragon took out all of our barriers in one swoop,” she explained. “The others got their footing, and I fell against the ruins of a castle,” she sighed. “But he must have gotten the brunt of the hit and went unconscious because he went over the edge of the cliff...” she shook her head, clearly trying to keep herself together. “After we defeated the dragon, we got to him as fast as we could. Vivian did this complex spell to keep him steady...” Cullen didn’t want to hear any more of it and tried to push past her. He had to see...
Evelyn put her hand on his chest. “He has no memory, Cullen,” she said finally. “Of any of this, of anything we’ve done. It’s as if the last year is a blank.” Cullen stopped then and looked at her, eyes wide. She nodded.
“Everything?” he asked.
“He saw the rift in the sky and actively panicked,” she explained. “He asked for Felix, to see if he was well...” Cullen sighed and ran his fingers through his hair.
“I need to see him...” he said quietly.
“I know,” she said, finally removing her hand from his chest, stepping away so she didn’t block his path any further. “But I needed to warn you.” Cullen nodded, grateful for the Inquisitor’s kindness. He braced himself again and pushed open the door.
“Oh hello,” Cullen caught his eye. Dorian didn’t look as bad as his injuries would allow. Vivian’s spell must have been healing him as they traveled from the Storm Coast to Skyhold. Dorian looked at Cullen, slightly glassy-eyed, but Cullen could tell he wasn’t really comprehending the gravity of the situation. Cullen could see it by the calculating look in his eyes, the small crease in his eyebrow, the way his hands very subtly reached for a staff that was propped on the other side of the bed. “And who might you be?” Cullen paled.
Dorian Pavus didn’t know his own husband even if he was standing right in front of him.
***~~~***
The Inquisitor took it upon herself to sit with Dorian and explain what was happening. He had amnesia, he hit his head in battle fighting a dragon.
“Why in the world would I fight a dragon?” Dorian had asked.
“Because that’s what we do,” the Inquisitor explained.
She told him he was a hero, that they had gone up against an evil magister that was trying to destroy the world and won.
She told him that this collective group of misfits, other mages, templars, wardens, and even a Qunari, were all his friends. That he stood by their sides in times of trouble, and they supported him the same way.
That blew his mind. Didn’t they know Dorian Pavus worked alone?
Then the real kicker came when she told him about his relationship with a man named Cullen.
Dorian’s mind was going to explode.
“I’m...” he just blinked for a moment. “This is some sort of joke.”
“It’s really not,” the Inquisitor said honestly. “You two have been together for nearly a year. Well, longer actually, but we’ve only officially known since the battle against Corypheus...”
“He’s a templar,” Dorian said flatly. “They hate mages.”
“He’s an ex-templar,” The inquisitor corrected. “And he loves you.” She smiled sadly and reached out to put her hand on his shoulder. It was a friendly gesture, one done out of instinct. Dorian felt guilty for flinching away, but as much as she insisted they knew each other, Dorian couldn’t remember anything about the red-head sitting beside him.
“No one expects anything of you right now,” she said, pulling her hand back and placing them in her lap. “All the important parties know what’s happened. The healers say memory loss takes time...” she hesitated a moment and then continued. “Just know that there are people here who care about you, and they want you to be okay.”
That thought alone would baffle Dorian, but he was still hung up on the husband he didn’t remember.
“These are yours,” the Inquisitor said, placing a small satchel in his hands. “You wear a lot of jewelry. We kept it safe while the medics healed you.”
“Thank you,” Dorian said slowly, opening the bag to make sure everything was there.
The Inquisitor stood up. “You’ve been cleared to walk around Skyhold, so I’ll see you around. If you need anything, you know where to find me.” She walked out and reached the door, then flinched and looked at him. “There’s a door behind the throne that leads to my quarters. You have permission to pass the guards and come in.” She nodded. “Now you know where to find me.” And then she left.
Dorian hummed to himself, still processing the strange experience. He pulled out the jewels from the little bag the Inquisitor gave him and began replacing them on his body. At the bottom was one unfamiliar band, a ring that was brushed gold with a red and blue jewel placed in the center. He hummed as he examined it. It was pretty but unfamiliar.
It occurred to him that, if they were telling the truth, this was his wedding ring. He frowned deeper and kept the ring in the satchel, placing it securely in his pocket.
He rose from the bed and adjusted his robes. Well, time to face whatever was out there.
***~~~***
“Why, again, aren’t you up there trying to help?” Sera asked for the dozenth time as she swung a wooden sword at Cullen clumsily.
“Because he needs his space,” Cullen said. “I can’t force his memory back, I don’t want to upset him.” He barely moved as he disarmed Sera again. “Do you even listen to me when I tell you you’re holding a sword incorrectly?”
“Not really,” Sera shrugged, picking up the weapon again. “I prefer the bow.” She swung at him again. “But when I suggested this you got all dopey faced and excited so I figured it was better than watching you mope in your office.”
“I wasn’t moping,” Cullen said, but then something caught his eye and he looked away. Dorian was walking around the training grounds, robe closed tight across his chest watching the others. A few younger soldiers who weren’t in the know about his condition rushed up to say hello. Dorian nodded politely, always so diplomatic when he needed to be.
Cullen’s sword flew from his hand and clattered to the ground. “I did it!” Sera yelled, dancing around Cullen happily. “I got you Cully-Wully! You’ve been bested by me!” she blew a raspberry at him and Cullen shook his head.
“Alright you’ve made your point,” he said. “And you’re duty to babysit me is done, go tell the Inquisitor I don’t need to be monitored every minute of the day please?” Sera didn’t even deny it, she just happily saluted and ran off, singing about how she defeated the great commander.
Cullen looked up again and made eye-contact with Dorian, who must have watched the whole thing. He didn’t say anything though, and neither did Cullen. Soon enough, Dorian gave him a small nod and then walked away toward the main hall. Cullen swallowed sharply and turned back to the soldiers training around him, ready to put them to work.
***~~~***
Dorian sat in the pub with The Inquisitor, (“We’re friends, Dorian, you may call me Evelyn.”) a dwarf named Varric, and a surly woman by the name of Cassandra. He was listening to a story Varric was spinning about one of their adventures.
It sounded grand. He wished he could remember it.
“And then Sparkler over here says ‘Just once, we should enter a cave and see normal-sized spiders.’” Varric and Evelyn break out laughing, and even Cassandra cracks a smile. It may have been a few days since waking up with amnesia, but Dorian is starting to believe the Inquisitor when she said that this group truly were his friends.
“What’s the story,” Iron Bull, the Qunari mercenary Dorian had been told about, sat down at the other end of the table. Dorian kept a wary eye on him. Everyone insisted Bull was a good guy, but Dorian was from Tevinter, he had seen his fair share of war with the Qunari to at least be cautious. “The gang and I are ordering a round of drinks to celebrate, we dealt with that mission out on the Ferelden boarder for you, Boss.” Evelyn grinned brightly at that.
“Oh Josephine will be very pleased, thank you, Bull.” She clinked her glass with his. “We were just reminiscing.” She explained. Bull nodded.
“Well I’m particularly fond of the time we took down that high dragon while it was fighting a giant,” Bull said. “Remember that, Boss?”
“Which part?” Evelyn glared at him, but there was amusement in her smile. “The part where I explicitly said ‘let’s avoid that at all costs’ the part where you ignored the first part and ran after it, or the part where the giant nearly crushed me when it fell to the ground.”
“I’m a fan of the third part,” Varric teased, making the others laugh.
“Boom!” Bull yelled loudly, slamming his hand on the table drawing attention from the other patrons as the table and glassware shook.
The sound startled Dorian, who had been enjoying the story up until then. But the loud banging sound triggered a headache and he subtly put his fingers to his temple.
“We don’t have enough healing potion to beat this,” someone shouted.
“We don’t have time for debate he’s seen us!” another screamed. The feeling of a shielding spell surrounding his body, a heavy hit to the gut throwing him from his feet into the air. Someone shouting his name.
A loud thud and then...
Silence.
Dorian quickly stood up but regretted it immediately, the room swam and his headache worsened.
“Dorian?” Cassandra asked, slowly rising. He waved a hand at her.
“Just getting some air,” he said vaguely, stepping away from the table before more of his so-called companions could look at him. He needed to get out. “A bit too much wine is all...” he hurried out of the pub and into the cold darkness of night, not sure where he should go or what is happening to him.
Oh, his head was killing him. And his heart was racing so fast he could barely breathe. Small black spots started appearing in the corners of his vision.
“Dorian?” a deep voice, almost familiar to his ears, startled the mage. Cullen came up to him and gently put his hand on Dorian’s shoulder. Dorian blinked at him, confused.
“I believe I am panicking,” he said, not sure what in his right mind allowed him to share this vulnerability out loud. Cullen nodded, though, understanding.
“I know you don’t remember me...” Cullen’s face barely gave away the sting of that. “And therefore don’t trust me, but I can help.” Under normal circumstances, Dorian would push away the help and figure things out on his own. But the dark spots were getting bigger and something about Cullen’s touch on his shoulder was enough to anchor him for the time being.
“Okay,” he agreed slowly. Cullen nodded and led Dorian into the main building, his hand still on his shoulder, an arm wrapped around him protectively. Thankfully, since it was night time, there weren’t many people out. If someone did address them, Cullen waived at them kindly and then hurried Dorian up a spiral staircase within one of the towers. Dorian had no clue where they were or where Cullen was taking him, but for some reason, he decided to trust the commander.
They came through a door and turned left and were suddenly at with a small vestibule that seemed to be Skyhold’s library. The space was cozy, there was a big chair in the back by a window that overlooked the gardens. Dorian was comforted by the space already and he wasn’t even sure why Cullen brought him here.
“This is your hideout,” Cullen explained, apparently reading his mind. “I’m going to sit you down in the chair, okay?” Dorian nodded and allowed Cullen to put him in the chair. It was broken-in as if it was meant for Dorian’s body. He snuggled a little into it. This would almost be perfect, he could already feel like he was breathing again. If only he had...
“Here,” Cullen opened a cabinet and pulled out a small box of lavender shortbreads. Dorian smiled fondly. They were his favorite. “Feeling better?”
“Yes,” Dorian said honestly. “I’m...not sure what came over me.”
“It was like that for all of us after battling Coryphaeus,” Cullen explained. “The slightest things brought our memories back to the worst of times. But we’ve all been learning how to heal, how to cope...” Cullen seemed like he was talking more about himself than anything. His gaze was focused on something far away as he sat on the floor next to a teetering book pile. Dorian watched him for a moment, wondering if he could see what it was the past-Dorian, the one who was whole, who had memories, saw in the man.
He was gorgeous, Dorian couldn’t deny that. And kind, though Dorian wasn’t sure why he was so attracted to someone’s kindness. He realized he felt a familiarity with something else masked on Cullen’s face, a sort of sadness that was always there, but was only seen by those who felt the same pain.
“It must be excruciating,” Dorian said, not meaning to say it aloud. Cullen blinked and then came back to himself, looking up at Dorian from the floor.
“What is?” he asked quietly.
“This,” Dorian said, pointing to Cullen and then himself. “Me not knowing who you are, me not remembering...”
“A few days ago I was sure you were dead,” Cullen said sadly. “With the letters we had received, I was sure of it. That was excruciating, thinking I’ve lost you.” Cullen blushed a little. “This now? This is something we will have to overcome,” he gave Dorian a small smile. “As long as we are side-by-side, we will overcome it. Memory or not.”
Something about that sounded familiar. Dorian had a feeling he was supposed to remember something, but it was blocked by a wall of fog. Cullen watched him for a moment and then moved to stand up.
Dorian found he wasn’t ready for the commander to leave. “Will you tell me something?” Cullen looked at him confused but sat back to the floor. “The Inq... Evelyn, she says that telling stories and reminiscing will help me remember my life before the dragon attack,” a small twinge in his chest. “Will you tell me something about...about us?”
Cullen looked at him thoughtfully. “What would you like to hear?” he asked. Then he smiled. “We have a lot of stories.”
“Our first kiss?” Dorian asked. Surely that would trigger something, wouldn’t it? But Cullen shook his head. “No?”
“No,” Cullen said, “I...I want you to remember that moment organically. I don’t want you hearing the story and then associating anything other than blissful happiness with it.” Dorian was thrown a bit by the romantic request.
“Why is that?” he asked.
“Because that’s how I remember it,” Cullen said in explanation. Dorian looked at him wildly, surprised by this man in front of him. He wasn’t sure what to say. “Why don’t I tell you about the time we scarred Cassandra for life when she came bursting into my office a couple of months ago,” Dorian smirked, imagining the shocked look on the woman’s face.
“Oh please be very detailed,” he said, making Cullen laugh quietly. The red blush made it to his ears, but after looking around to be sure they were truly alone, he began to tell it. Dorian smiled and took another shortbread.
***~~~***
“Cullen...”
“You’re distracting me,” Cullen interrupted, looking the chessboard over.
“Maybe it’s for the best,” Blackwall began again, Cullen took his pawn and sat back, staring Blackwall down. “It’s been nearly a month.”
“What does Tevinter have that we don’t here?” Cullen said. “He hates it there. I can’t believe Josephine even mentioned...”
“They have healers who could help,” Blackwall said, moving a piece. “Possibly...”
“Possibly, with Black Magic,” Cullen said sourly, taking another one of his pawns. “I won’t do that to him. I won’t put him in the same position of helplessness he was in before the Inquisition came along...” He ran his hands through his hair.
“He’s shown no sign of improving,” Blackwall said sternly. “It’s hurting you, we can see that, Cullen...”
“I won’t allow it.” Cullen said in the same stern tone.
“And if he never heals,” Blackwall asked. Cullen merely glared at the chessboard. Blackwall made his move. “Checkmate.”
Cullen sat back, using all his will to not throw the board across the garden.
“You really made some careless mistakes,” Dorian said, startling both of them. Cullen looked up to see his husband standing off to the side behind Blackwall.
“I would never,” Cullen insisted.
“You must have,” Blackwall said, standing up. “I don’t even know how to play.” And he walked away, ignoring Cullen’s scowl. Dorian laughed though, bringing Cullen’s attention back to him.
“Would you like to play?” Cullen asked, feeling a little sheepish. Dorian contemplated the board and the man across from it. Cullen was reminded of the first time they played chess together. How his flirting and teasing had gotten under Cullen’s skin, and he almost lost the game. Almost.
“Why not,” Dorian said with a shrug, taking Blackwall’s vacated seat. “Prepare for my inevitable victory.”
Cullen laughed. “You wish.”
***~~~***
Dorian was having nightmares. He’d been having them since the dragon attack, ever since he woke up without a single memory from the last year in his head. He’d hear a dragon's roar, some screaming, feel the pain in his chest as the dragon attacked.
Lately, the nightmares became more cryptic. A part of him was screaming to wake up, shaking him the best he could. Even when he thought he was awake, there was still that nagging feeling that something was wrong, that if he didn’t wake up soon he never would. Where there wasn’t the screaming, there was the eternal darkness and a feeling like he was falling with no end in sight.
To avoid the nightmares, Dorian took to walking the battlements at night, hoping the brisk fresh air would keep him awake. Usually, they did. Occasionally someone would find him curled up on one of the benches in the gardens, or dozing off in the pub as the sun came up. But usually, his genius plan to never sleep again worked wonderfully.
“He feels the wool over his eyes start to slip, suffocating him,” Dorian jumped, turning a corner and coming face to face with Cole. Something about him made Dorian feel sorry for the lad, but he was still creepy beyond belief.
“Please don’t,” Dorian said, holding out a hand. Cole stopped putting his thoughts into creepy words, but he kept up with Dorian as he walked.
“The wool has gotten worse?” Cole asked curiously. Dorian sighed.
“I think it’s worse being that it hasn’t changed,” Dorian said, frustrated. He hated this. Hated that he felt like everyone knew things he didn’t know. Hated that he couldn’t recognize people who are supposed to be his closest friends. Hated that he doesn’t remember falling in love.
“Sometimes the pain is part of the healing,” Cole said in his cryptic tone, “Pain far greater than the initial hurt can bring about what’s been lost.” He then looked out to the distance, over Dorian’s shoulder. “Speaking of pain...” Dorian turned around to look at what he saw, but there was nothing there. He turned back to Cole, but the boy was gone.
“Creepy,” Dorian muttered. Suddenly, there was a loud yell coming from the tower behind him. Dorian spun around again and headed toward the sound. It was coming from the tower Cullen worked in. When he got to the door, a guard stood aside to let him in.
“Did you not hear that?” Dorian asked, thinking he was losing it even more than he already had. The guard just looked at him curiously and shrugged.
“We’re told not to bother him,” he said, but he stepped aside to let Dorian in. Dorian stepped inside and closed the door behind him. Cullen was asleep at his desk, head laying on his arms, his brow furrowed in what looked like pain.
Dorian instantly felt like he was intruding and he turned to leave when Cullen cried out again. Instantly Dorian found himself at Cullen’s side, crouching down and putting his hand on Cullen’s shoulder.
“Shh,” he said calmly. “Cullen...wake up...” It took a little more coaxing, but Cullen eventually opened his eyes. His gaze was glassy, but it seemed to focus more when he saw Dorian. “There we are.”
“Dorian?” Cullen asked, sitting up, rubbing his face. “What happened?”
“You were having a nightmare,” Dorian explained. “Probably from sleeping at your desk like this,” he gestured to the desk. “You know what they say about...”
“All work and no play, I know,” Cullen chuckled, shaking his head. Dorian had the feeling they had had this conversation before. Dorian nudged him.
“Up up,” he said, poking the commander until he got up. “You need to sleep in a proper bed.”
“I’ll be fine,” Cullen insisted. Dorian frowned at the man. “Really, Dorian, you don’t have to...” the blonde started looking sheepish, and realization dawned on Dorian.
“Cullen,” he said slowly. “Have you not slept in your bed since...” there was an awkward silence between them. Cullen anxiously twisted the ring on his hand. Dorian felt guilt rise up in his chest. He set his shoulders and took a breath. “Alright then, come on,” he lead Cullen to the ladder in the back of the room.
“Dorian you don’t have to...” Cullen started, but he was so tired, and Dorian waved a hand.
“You are the commander of the Inquisition’s army,” he said sternly. “And one of the Inquisitor’s advisors. You need your sleep.” He gestured to the ladder. “Up you go, I’m right behind you.” Cullen sighed in defeat and climbed the ladder. True to his word, Dorian followed him up. When he reached the top, Dorian felt the tightness in his chest loosen.
This room was familiar.
It was quaint, but there were small things that made it homey. Little touches here and there that Dorian had a feeling he added to the space when he started sleeping up here. Dorian ran his fingers over a velvet blanket that rested at the foot of the bed while Cullen removed his armor. Again, they stood awkwardly. It was clear to Dorian that Cullen wasn’t trying to spook or push Dorian. He gave him a sympathetic smile.
“Would you sleep better if I stayed?” he asked kindly. Cullen flushed.
“I don’t want...” he said, his hand subconsciously going to his hand again. Dorian held up a hand.
“I’m offering,” he said, though he wasn’t sure why. He couldn’t remember loving this man, but something about being around Cullen was comforting. The same feeling he got when he entered this room. “But if it’ll upset you, I’ll go.”
“Stay.” Cullen breathed out. “Please...please stay.”
“Well since you asked so nicely,” Dorian unbuckled his boots and moved to the other side of the bed, sitting delicately as Cullen collapsed on his side of the bed.
“Thank you,” Cullen said sleepily. Dorian nodded, pulling the velvet blanket around his knees. He wasn’t tired yet, and he felt silly just sitting there watching Cullen sleep. “There’s usually a book or two under the floorboard there,” Cullen said quietly. Dorian reached under the bed, found the loose floorboard, and pulled up one of his favorites, well-worn and dog-eared in his favorite places. He smiled down at the sleeping man beside him who apparently knew him so well. As the blonde fell asleep, Dorian put his hand on his shoulder, anchoring him as he slept.
***~~~***
Cullen woke the next morning feeling (1) very well rested and (2) very warm. He sat up slightly and found Dorian asleep on his chest, snoring softly, an arm wrapped around Cullen’s middle. For a moment, Cullen forgot about the past month, about how his husband didn’t know him anymore. This right here was so familiar that it almost ached.
His hand went through Dorian’s soft hair the way he knew he liked it, twirling the longer ends around his middle finger as he did. He did that for a while before Dorian spoke, startling him.
“Well that’s nice,” he said quietly, not moving. Cullen kept up his ministrations since Dorian didn’t tell him off. They sat like that a while longer as the morning light began to peek its way through the hole in the ceiling. “Do you often have nightmares?” Dorian asked.
“Not as much as I used to,” Cullen said. “I’ve done a lot of healing over the past year.” Dorian nodded. Cullen could tell Dorian was formulating a question in his busy brain.
“Have I?” he asked quietly. Cullen paused for a moment, thinking back to the Dorian he met in Haven all that time ago.
“Yes,” Cullen said. “You stood up to your father about a year ago, that was a big turning point.” Cullen felt Dorian hold his breath for a moment, and he realized Dorian was trying to remember the moment. “It was in Redcliffe, not long after Alexius tried his attack.” He knew Evelyn had filled him in on what had happened with the battle of Coryphaeus, including what happened with the Mages in Redcliffe. It had really upset Dorian, more than most of everything else that he was coping with. “The Inquisitor went with you,” he added, hoping more information would spark a memory. Dorian nodded again.
“That was kind of her,” he said thoughtfully.
“She’s your friend,” Cullen said. Dorian nodded once more. He sat up slightly, looking at Cullen, another question on his lips. But before Cullen could ask, there was a pounding at the door downstairs.
“Sir,” someone called. “An urgent matter for you from Sister Leliana,” Cullen groaned and dropped his head on the pillow.
“The Inquisition never sleeps,” Dorian teased, rolling away back to the other side of the bed. “I, however, have every intention of tucking back in for a few more hours.”
“You can stay here if you like,” Cullen said casually as he rolled out of bed and grabbed his armor. Dorian cocked his head to the side.
“I can?” he asked.
“Well it is your room,” Cullen said simply. “If you’re comfortable, then you’re welcome.” Dorian contemplated that for a moment and then settled deeper under the blanket. Cullen laughed. “Sleep well.”
“I intend to,” Dorian called out from the pillows as Cullen descended the ladder.
***~~~***
According to Varric, Dorian typically spent the end of a busy week in the pub with him, Blackwall, Iron Bull, and Evelyn playing Wicked Grace. So that’s where he found himself one evening, absolutely crushing Bull with his hand of cards when a loud crashing sound shook the foundations of Skyhold.
“What in the world...” Evelyn got up and ran to the door of the pub. Outside, people were scrambling.
“What’s happening?” Varric asked, already grabbing Bianca from the back of his chair.
“Someone’s catapulted a boulder through our front gate,” Evelyn said, more annoyed than worried. She pulled two daggers from the holsters on her hip and one from her hair.
“Why does no one attack when we aren’t drinking?” Bull growled, grabbing his axe and handing Dorian his staff.
“Is there a time you’re not drinking?” Dorian asked, making the Qunari laugh.
“My point exactly,” he said, leading the way out the door. Outside, soldiers from the Inquisition army were running out the front gates, trying to contain the small army of fighters who had made their way up the mountain. Another boulder flew overhead and landed in the middle of the training field.
Dorian followed the sound of screaming and found a group of healers trying to move wounded people from the infirmary to the main building. He hurried their way and used his magic to clear a path, putting up a quick barrier as he did.
“Hurry now,” he said, helping people along the path.
“Dorian watch out!” someone called. He turned to see where the warning was coming from, but he moved too late, and debris from the tower above crumbled to the ground, landing on top of him.
Suddenly, everything went dark.
***~~~***
“You two need to stop meeting like this,” Cassandra said, startling Cullen awake from where he posted up beside Dorian’s infirmary bed. Once again, the Tevinter Mage had a thick bandage wrapped around his head, and he was lying unconscious. He had been for two days.
The attackers had caused more property damage than anything. They had stopped the fighting only a few hours after it started, the small hoard of villagers soon realizing that they were no match against the army Cullen commanded. The infirmary was filled with mostly fleshwounds, a few concussions, and one very unfortunate mage.
“There’s a small part of me that thinks he’s doing this on purpose,” Cullen admitted as Cassandra walked up to him. He rubbed his temples. “That, or he’s pissed off gravity somehow. Both are viable options at this point.”
“He’ll pull through,” Cassandra reassured him, her hand on his shoulder. Cullen sighed.
“What if he’s lost his memory all over again?” he asked quietly. “What if it’s worse?” He thought of what Blackwall said weeks ago over the chessboard. Maybe it would be in his best interest to bring him to Tevinter. Maybe someone could help. Would it be worth Dorian being furious with him if he got his Dorian back?
“Do not worry about what’s to come until you know what already is,” Cassandra said quietly. Cullen looked up at her. “Right now, focus on his waking up. Then you can face the next obstacle in your path.”
“You’re very wise, you know?” Cullen said. Cassandra smiled.
“I tend to be, every now and then,” she handed him a plate of food taken from the kitchen. Cullen began to refuse. “Just imagine how angry at you he’d be if you’re laid out in the bed next to him when he wakes up because you starved yourself out of worry.” Cullen sighed in defeat and took the plate, thanking her.
Cassandra bid him goodnight and left the infirmary. Cullen picked at his food for a moment, eating enough that he would at least not starve to death, and then set the plate on the bedside table. He rested his head on the bed beside Dorian, wanting only to rest his eyes for a moment, when the hand he was holding squeezed his tightly.
“Amatus?” Dorian asked quietly. Cullen sat up slowly, afraid to say anything. Dorian was blinking at him slowly. Had he just called him... “What happened?”
“What do you remember?” Cullen asked slowly, gauging his reaction.
“Not much, honestly,” Dorian said, frowning. He closed his eyes and thought through the fog. “Did...” he scowled. “Did Bull convince Evelyn to fight another dragon? I swear to the Holy Andraste herself I’m never going on a mission with those two together ever again!” he sat up quickly and flinched, grabbing at the bandage over his eye. “Oh, my head.”
“You remember the dragon attack?” Cullen asked, a lump in his throat. If he remembered that, what else did he remember?
“I imagine it’s pretty hard to forget being flung off a cliff by a 30-foot beast,” Dorian said sourly. He looked at Cullen then, frowning. “What’s wrong? You’re crying.” He took his free hand and traced Cullen’s cheek with his thumb.
“Will you do me a favor?” Cullen asked quietly. Dorian nodded, looking concerned. “Will you tell me about our first kiss?” Dorian smiled fondly.
“Someone feeling sentimental?” Dorian teased gently. Cullen shrugged. “If you insist,” he settled back into the pillows of his bed, Cullen leaned on the bed beside him, hoping he wasn’t gripping Dorian’s hand too tight. “It was at the Winter Palace,” he started. “I had just spent th majority of that evening dodging nobles who wanted Tevinter gossip or fighting off assassins, you know, you’re typical Orlesian ball,” he chuckled to himself. “Evelyn, as per usual, had swooped in and saved the day, and she and Josephine were with Empress Celine. I had gone out to a secluded balcony for a well-deserved drink and found you,” Dorian winked at Cullen. “Hiding from some poor unfortunate dame who wasn’t getting the hint.” He chuckled fondly. “And to this day I don’t know what had come over me, we’d flirted here and there, sure. Well I had been. I’m still quite sure your flirting was accidental up to that point...”
“Hey!” Cullen sat up a little straighter.
“Hush darling,” Dorian pressed a finger to his lips. “You requested the story. Anyway, I found myself asking you for a dance, and you looked so relieved I almost laughed. But you took my hand and took the lead, which I was very impressed with,” he winked at Cullen, who was certainly still crying. “And when the song was done, I didn’t want to let go just yet. And you got this fond look in your eyes and you kissed me.” Dorian smiled then, unabashed. He turned to Cullen, fingers carding through his hair. “I had never been so blissfully happy in my life up until that point.” He put his fingers under Cullen’s chin. “And the rest is history.”
“And you remember the rest?” Cullen asked.
“Of course I remember,” Dorian said. “How could I ever forget you, Amatus?” Cullen couldn’t hold back the sob anymore. He lunged forward and kissed Dorian soundly, holding his husband close as he did.
“Not that I don’t appreciate this bedside manner of yours,” Dorian said as they pulled apart. “But you will tell me what has you all worked up, won’t you?”
“Later,” Cullen promised, kissing him again. “I love you.”
“And I love you,” Dorian said, pressing a kiss to the top of his head. “Now, tell me,” he sat back a little, “Do you think this will scar?” he touched the bandage on his head. “Because I’m not sure if I’m ready for the two of us to be those matchy-matchy kinds of couples you know? People will talk and I’m not sure how I feel about...”
“Shut up,” Cullen said, pulling Dorian in for another kiss. Dorian melted into it immediately.
***~~~***
“So you’re telling me,” Varric said slowly as Evelyn explained to everyone later that evening what Cullen had told her. “That we went and found all those healers and consulted all those experts and Sparkles up there just needed to hit his head with an even bigger rock?”
“I told you!” Cole insisted. “I’ve been trying to tell you all this!” They all looked at him. “Pain far greater than the initial hurt can bring about what’s been lost,” Cole said, exasperated. The group just continued looking at him in silence, blinking.
“Well next time any of you lose your memory,” Bull said. “I call dibs on trying to hit you all over the head with a boulder.”
“Let’s avoid any head hitting from now on, okay?” Evelyn held up a hand, laughing. The group laughed as well, and Varric dealt out another hand for Wicked Grace.
“I said it...” Cole said quietly, still frustrated.
“We know buddy,” Varric said sympathetically, patting Cole’s shoulders. “We know.”