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Being alone has gotten hard for you. Sometime along your life, being alone got scary. Spending the night in your house without your parents terrified you; something about the cars passing by outside, yellow lights started to look evil at 3 in the morning. College was similar, you always had roommates shuffling around outside of your room, water heating or soft, warm light trickling under the door comforted you.
Living alone for the first time in years is difficult. Everything sounds like it’s in your apartment, raking nails against your window outside, keys jingling from your neighbor immediately became an intruder in your mind. Every night for the first month of living on your own was spent on edge. Getting into a rhythm definitely helped, every night you’d lock the doors and rifle through the three rooms, checking behind doors and curtains to make sure no one was there. After a while, you stopped checking.
Sometimes, though, the tapping at your window has a face. And wings. And a body. And a megawatt smile.
And sometimes the tapping at your door has a person. And a smirk. And a handful of your favorite food. And probably an injury or two.
The first time Keigo taps at your window, you tumble to the floor with a shriek. You scramble next to your closet, grasping the laptop that tumbled with you like a baseball bat, ready to strike. You hear peeling laughter, muffled a bit by the panel of glass. When a red feather shimmies under the frame and unlocks it, your muscles go lax, laptop dropping to your lap as you let out a long sigh. You watch his body topple through the window, still breathing a bit deeply.
“No help?” He smiles from the window sill, blonde hair windswept and golden eyes flickering between the scene in front of him. You’re sat the furthest away from the corner you can be, basically curled in on yourself, eyes wide and face slowly regaining color.
“I’m a little...busy!” You squeak. Squeak. God, you sound stupid.
He laughs again, deep within his chest, wings spreading to fill the small room as he saunters towards you, offering a hand. You take it, feeling the supple leather of his gloves against your palm. Maybe you hold on a bit too long when you’re finally off the floor.
“You’re shaking a bit, angel, you sure you’re good? I didn’t scare you too bad, right?” Letting go of your hand, he cups your cheek, squinting as he bends to meet your eyesight. You’re shaking? You’re shaking. Your knees knock together a bit. Fuck off.
“Yeeeeeah,” You draw the word out, pulling away with a suave roll of your eyes (you hope), placing the laptop clutched in your hand on the desk and walking out of your bedroom, crooking two fingers for him to follow you. “Not everyday my giant bird-of-a-boyfriend knocks on my window five stories up. I have a balcony, you know.” He whines at that, plopping onto your second hand couch and you watch as he fills up the space.
“I was racing your other boyfriend here. Guess I won too.” Keigo looks like the entire sun when he smiles back at you from where you’re on your way to the kitchen. Like the literal sun. You’re always stunned that he looks at you like that.
“Why is he just my boyfriend tonight? Last I remember, that’s not the conclusion we came to about, oh, six months ago, he was dating both of us.” You quip, reaching under your counter for the water heater. Keigo liked hot tea instead of hot coffee, and cold coffee instead of cold tea.
From the stove, you hear him grumble something about “being a dick” and “interrupting my patrols” which you ignore. The hero versus villain fight can wait a bit. As much as they were childhood friends and lovers, they were on two separate sides of a battle. Somehow, they made it work, and somehow, you fit into their weird dynamic. You didn’t know how, and right now, you couldn’t help but feel a tad out of place looking at the god on your couch.
You put the kettle on the stove and start the coffee. Dabi liked hot coffee and cold tea.
The door opened, a dark, brooding figure stepping into the threshold holding a bag from the convenience store. You liked energy drinks. Tea and coffee was just for them.
“I beat you.” The blonde chimed from the couch, locking the phone he had been scrolling through to turn towards the door.
“Yeah, fuck off.” Dabi grunted, shrugging his black coat off and flinging it towards the man and starting towards you. Placing the bag on the counter and wrapping his arms around you from behind, he kissed the back of your head, snaking a hand around your front and tugging on the string of your (obviously) borrowed sweatpants. “ Hello to you, too. My sweats and everything.”
Rifling through the bag, you pulled out a bright green drink can and a bag of chips. “They’re comfortable.” You pushed back into his chest, sticking your tongue out as you popped the tap. “You want them back?”
“Nah, looks good. Nice around the ass, if I do say so myself.” He chuckles, and you can feel it vibrating against your back. Leaning down, he hooks his chin into your neck and you can feel his staples against your cheek.
“Ass?” Keigo turns, catching you both in a close embrace, you taking a sip from your drink and offering it up to the man behind you, who drinks it from your hand. “No fair. ” He can’t fit into your tiny kitchen with his big ass wings unless he furled them close to his body, which made them sore after a long day.
“Calm down dumbass, we ain’t fucking on the counter.” Dabi smirked against your neck, watching the way the blonde’s feathers puffed up in irritation. “I mean…”
Cheeks burning, you pushed away from your boyfriend, watching as he laughed at your flushed face and headed over to your other boyfriend, flicking him on the forehead as he plopped down beside him, flicking his phone out of the pocket of his pants and leaning back against the blonde, who chased after him for a kiss. God. God. How did you fit into that?
Turning your back on the scene in your living room, you pushed your palms against your cheeks trying to cool your face down. Being on the edge of an anxiety attack, coupled with the teasing from your boyfriends makes your flustered state of being skyrocket. The tea kettle whistled and the coffee had already started dripping into the pot.
Anxiety. Fuck. Your heart was still beating a bit too fast, even if it had been a good ten minutes since Keigo had scared you, and your carded through your routine, checking to see if there was anything you missed that was subconsciously making you as anxious as you were. Early that morning, you woke up, brushed your teeth, took a shower, made breakfast for yourself, checked up on school (senior year of college, lord help you), did the dishes, checked your phone, replied to missed texts, cleaned a bit...nothing out of the ordinary. You left the house for some lunch and light shopping and came back. Nothing bad. Combing through the routine again while you grabbed the mugs from your cabinet, your eyes caught the bright pink pill container nestled against the breadbox and the fridge. Oh fuck.
You forgot to take your meds. You forgot to take them for a whole week. That’s why your heart was racing; why you couldn’t stop overthinking small things about yourself or your relationship. The kettle started whistling and you could feel the sound behind your teeth. Frozen to your spot, eyes focused on the plastic container, your stomach started twisting in knots.
“Babe?” The comment sounded miles and miles away, but it was enough to snap you out of your momentary lapse, turning to look into the living room. The questioning golden eyes focused on you, an eyebrow raised. Flexing your toes against the cold tile, you nodded, lifting the corner of your mouth in a small smile. “You good?”
“Yeah!” You were too loud. Too forceful in the way you answered. “I’m good, I thought I saw a bug but it was just a shadow.” He didn’t look convinced, furrowing his brows and sharing a look with the man next to him.
Ignoring the cool feeling of shivers climbing up your back, you set the mugs down and pour the drinks and it feels like you’re watching yourself through a television. You grab your energy drink under your arm, and something in the back of your mind tells you that it’s not the best choice, but you ignore it, placing the mugs in front of the two men and sitting on the floor next to your couch.
Dodging Keigo’s hand from your shoulder, you shrink back into yourself and sip gingerly on your energy drink. It fizzes in your stomach, and you can almost remember the taste if you concentrate hard enough. It’s a grounding technique, but you haven’t had to use them in years. You can barely remember them.
“Angel, are you really ok?” Keigo starts again, and you notice he hasn’t picked up the mug. It sits in you like a rock. You did it wrong.
“I’m good. I really am.” You bare your teeth but you aren’t sure if it’s a smile or more like an animal trying to prove dominance. If he asks again, you know you’ll cry. You don’t want to cry in front of them, not yet.
“Y/N.” Dabi hasn’t picked up his mug either, and his electric blue eyes are steely. You’ve really done something wrong. His arms are crossed over his chest and you decide to try and count the staples.
You give up after three because you can’t seem to remember what comes after the fourth three.
“I’m good.” You repeat, thumb circling the inside of the can you’re holding. It’s too cold. It’s too hot. You remember that when you can’t feel your feet, you need to touch someone, but you’ve done something wrong and you don’t know what and has breathing always felt this hard?
“Don’t lie.” Dabi’s voice is hard, and it hurts your ears. Keigo looks at you like you’re about to break and you want to tell him to stop because it hurts, but you can’t. Your thumb that was circling the can hurts now. You look down.
“I’m bleeding.”
You don’t sound like you’re in pain, it’s more like you’re just stating what’s going on. You’re bleeding, red droplets bead at the deep cut in your thumb, dripping into your drink. Something wet falls onto your thumb and you finally realize that you’ve been crying since you sat down. Keigo reaches for your arm, but retracts his hand. You’ve done something wrong.
“I’m so sorry, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” You croak out, wiping at your tears with the hand that’s bleeding, and a hand shoots out and catches your wrist. Warm golden eyes catch yours, and you’re tugged to your feet, but when you crumple, arms shoot out to catch you. Keigo circles your hands around his neck and tugs your legs around his waist, and you press your wet face into his neck. You can feel your fingers now, and you tap them in a rhythm on his back. You lift your head and you catch your other boyfriend trailing behind you, hands stuffed in his pockets.
Plopping you down onto the toilet seat, Keigo asks where the first aid kit is, and all you do is point. He takes the hint that you can’t form any sentences past a few words, and begins cleaning the cut. His hands are warm and you grab his wrist with your non-bloody hand and tap three times with each finger. He furrows his eyebrows, looking up at you with a quizzical look, and you just shake your head, tapping again.
“Dove, I can’t put the bandaid on if you do that.” He says softly, and you look at him. He’s close enough for you to see the dark markings around his eyes and the freckles that are dusted across his tan nose.
A hand shoots out in front of you, and you tear your eyes from the blonde in front of you. Dabi’s eyes are softer. He’s kneeling down in front of Keigo’s wings, and he has a trail of blood falling from his left eye. He told you once he couldn’t cry.
You take his hand, tracing the staples that sit against his skin. He’s talking to you, and so is Keigo, murmuring things to you that you can’t quite make out. You’re tapping each one of his staples, relishing in the cool metal when you feel a light pressure against your bleeding thumb. Keigo is looking at you through his lashes, lips pressed against your thumb branshied with a Hello Kitty bandage. They somehow know to not ask what’s wrong, and you’re grateful. You sit still, tapping along the long fingers in your hand two at a time while your blonde boyfriend maneuvers around both Dabi and his own wings to wet one of your face towels and wipe the tears from your face. When he pulls the pale towel back, you can see blood.
“Bleeding? I’m-?” You ask, eyes wide, staring at the towel. He shakes his head, lifting your thumb by the wrist. Bad anxiety attacks always leave you struggling to find proper words, and you’re glad he understood.
“Baby bird, we’re going to try and move you, ok? Can you walk?” Keigo isn’t talking to you like a child, which you appreciate. He’s just asking you like a normal adult, like you aren’t falling apart beneath him. It’s nice, it’s needed. A nod is all he needs, and he’s helping you to your feet and smiling, even though you must look like a mess. He’s smiling and it’s so nice, and there’s another hand on your waist and they’re holding you up, together. You look to the side and Dabi isn’t smiling, but he isn’t scowling and that’s a good thing, you think. He’s nudging you forward and the tear of blood is drying on his face, and you remember that he’s pretty. He’s so pretty, with the scars and the staples and all his piercings. You think he looks like the moon.
They get you into your bedroom, and sit you down on the side of the bed. The comforter sinks as Dabi sits tightly next to you and Keigo kneels in front of you, wings puffed up around the three of you, casting a red glow around the room. It’s soft and it’s safe, you smell them, all smoke and wind, deep cologne and the smell of fire. It mixes nicely. Glancing down, you take the tan hand laying on your thigh and you start counting again.
One, two three…
“You don’t have to tell us what’s on your mind.” You feel the rumble of Dabi’s words before they register in your mind. You stroke each of Keigo’s fingers from the knuckle to the fingertip as you count them and he shivers a bit from the motion, feathers ruffling behind him.
Nearing the fifth set of counting, you take to pressing your finger to the bed of his nails instead, breathing deeply.
“It’s not like…” You pause, eyes following the path you make, your other hand twisting into the comforter “It’s not like I don’t want to. It’s just hard.” You sound stupid, you know you sound like an idiot, with your simple words and dismissing the two men who cared about you. “It’s hard. ”
"Baby love, we know.” Keigo catches a tear with his hand that isn’t in yours, and it takes you a second to realize you had started crying. “You don’t need to talk, we promise. Just know we’d listen.”
You breathe, count to five again and let go of Keigo’s hand.
“I have anxiety.” Looking at your hands, you clasp them in your lack, thumb catching on a painful hangnail. “And I forgot to take my medication for a few weeks.” You push against it, a short zap to your system to keep you on track. “It’s nothing big, no-” You stop the blonde in front of you, knowing he’d say something like yes it is, anything about you is a big deal , “Kei, it’s...not a big deal to me. I’ve had panic attacks and anxiety attacks before, this is just another one to add to the pile.” Looking up from the angry red piece of skin, you lock eyes with him and his lips are set into a deep frown. “It’s the first one you’ve been there for though.”
You feel the body next to you shift, a hand hovering against your cheek, asking if he can touch and you nod. Electric blue eyes bore into yours, his expression blank.
“I just don’t like being weak, and it’s dumb because look at me.” You giggle and its bittersweet because there’s nothing funny about this, sitting here with a murderous villain and a morally corrupt pro-hero, a little civilian afraid of the dark and living alone caught up in two lives that shouldn’t include you. “It’s just hard to not be able to be the bare minimum.”
It’s all silent. You don’t wanna cry anymore, you’re sick of feeling sorry for yourself tonight. With a loud groan, you pull your face out of his hands, a watery smile making its way across your features as you blink up at the ceiling.
“Goooood, if I could only stop crying , literally what the fuck.” Rubbing the back of your hand under your nose, you fall backwards on the bed, back hitting the stacked comforters. “I’m tired of crying. I’m tired of being serious.”
“Well,” Dabi starts, sliding next to you so you can feel his arm against yours. “We don’t have to be. I mean,” You can feel the bed move as he adjusts himself, propping up an elbow behind his head, eyes locked on the ceiling. His dark hair brushes against yours. “I’m not known for my tact. Probably not the best for these shitty sad conversations.”
A loud smack sends him reeling up. Keigo was sitting on the edge of the bed and had hit his thigh with the palm of his hand..
“Shut the fuck up, Hawks . It was shitty.” The playful bite surrounding his hero name pulls a scowl. Thick eyebrows furrow as the blonde pulls his legs under him, almost leaning over the two of you.
“You fucking asshole, don’t call their feelings shitty!” He caws, pulling a snotty, thick laugh from the back of your throat.
“Bro, they are though. Shitty little feelings in my shitty brain.” You mouth out around laughter, turning on your side, fully curled and closer to your dark haired boyfriend’s stomach than to his face.
“They aren’t shitty.” Keigo looks ever the bird, almost perched on your bed, blonde hair windswept and golden eyes shifting back and forth. You’ve realized he does this when he gets frazzled, and it's super endearing. His avian traits are so intriguing to you, and you’re always telling him how you like seeing him calm enough to show them around you and your other boyfriend. You fall back into a stream of giggles at the moment though, his head shifting between the two of you, pulling a fat snort from the villain lounging beside you. “Ok, haha. Ha. Let’s all laugh at Hawks today, huh?”
“When is it not, birdboy?” You can hear the smirk in Dabi’s voice, pulling another fit of laughter from you. Truthfully, you’re more laughing at the fact that you’re ok than your very birdlike pretty boy at the end of your bed, but he’s an added plus.
“I’ll give you something to laugh about.” Grabbing your foot, the hero hauls you to the end of the bed, caging you under his arms as two feathers float in front of your face. He raises an eyebrow, golden eyes trapping you. Your smile is wide as you float down from whatever hysterical cloud you had just been on, watching as his smirk turns softer. He dips down, nudging his nose against yours.
“Really, your feelings aren’t shitty. Just tell us some time about what you need from us.” It’s soft spoken and brushed against your lips, in an almost kiss. “Love you, dove. So much.”
You hum as he presses his lips to yours. It's a fleeting, soft kiss and it tastes like him, him, him. He’s all soft hands and lanquidity, pressing his thumbs into your hips and kneading the soft skin exposed by your top. His teeth press against your bottom lip, and a tongue swipes against your lips, almost like sealing a letter, and he parts from you, continuing to press small kisses to your open mouth.
“Gay.” The single word pulls you into another fit of giggles, caged in thick arms and vibrant wings. Dabi winks at you as you make eye contact, and you clamber back up to rest your head against his shoulder.
“You shove your dick up my ass enough that you’d know.” Keigo snaps back, all smiles and #2 hero charm, peeling back from you to look the dark haired man in the eyes.
“Yeah, yeah, ditto for you. It’s a nice ass, what can I say?”
“You’re gonna inflate his ego even more, babe.” Your hand swats at Dabi, feeling his deep laughter against you. Keigo whines, shimmying up beside you, and you uncurl an arm to extend it. He lays on his front so he can unfurl his wigs, covering the three of you with downy feathers. Another weird bird thing.
“And we don’t want that do we?” Dabi displaces you to lean over and hook a finger under his boyfriend’s chin, biting down on his lip and pulling the blonde’s lips against his own.
“Hey, hey, hey! ” You whine, swatting at them above you with halfhearted hands. “I’m the one that had the panic attack, where’s my kiss?” The mention makes Keigo stiffen and pull away with a soft moan, lips pink and spit slicked. When you called him a pretty boy you really weren’t kidding. He’s the sun himself, all golden light and tan features, sharp cheekbones and the tip of his nose flush with pink and his eyes lidded as he looks down at you, flopping onto the bed again.
Dabi situates himself on his back again, crooked elbow behind his head and he closes his eyes with a smirk playing across his lips. You pout against his arm, nudging his arm gently to mind the staples.
“You wanted a kiss, right, doll? Aren’t you gonna come get one?” He speaks, eyes closed. Oh.
Propping yourself up, you press a finger into the pale skin of his cheek, turning him so you can nudge forward and catch his lips with yours. The burnt skin of his lower lip is a different, more rubbery texture than the top and it’s something that isn’t unpleasant, but did take getting used to. He slots his mouth against yours, and presses his tongue against the inside of your mouth and you feel the barbell piercing clank against your teeth as you pull away, pushing your mouth into his shirt to wipe the leftover spit pilling at the corner of your mouth.
“I’m way too tired, otherwise I’d beg you both to keep going.” Keigo chimes in, arm slung over your side pressing a finger into wherever he could catch his other boyfriend.
“Usually, it takes about an hour to get you beggin’, and a bit of kissing got your dick wet, babe?” The dark haired villain swipes his tongue across his lips, giving you a flash of all the mouth piercings he had, eyes drifting closed again.
“Shut the fuck up. ”
You feel warm. Two bodies wedged against you, an arm and a wing slung over you, the soft smell of cigarette smoke wafting into your nose and kiss swollen lips pressed against the crown of your head is swaying your worn out body into the arms of sleep. There are still lights on in the living room and the kitchen, and there’s still drinks sitting out on the coffee table, but somehow you can’t seem to care. Your mind is calm and grounded for the night, and you feel yourself drifting to sleep.
"Thanks.” You whisper, knowing you can’t just leave it. “Thanks for not judging me.” It’s not much. You don’t really know how to put please keep a hold on me for right now because in one second I could drift away like a balloon and oh my god I don’t wanna go into words, but you think a thank you is enough.
“ ”Course, kid. I love you.” Keigo’s breath is warm on your neck, and you can feel his weird bird cooing through your body. It’s nice and soft, and it comforts you knowing he’s showing a vulnerable side of himself, and you think it might be his bird brain that tells him to do so. Present so you can accept. “Love you both.”
“Yeah.” Dabi finds all the I love you’s hard to say. It’s soft, and he isn’t, all piercings and dark colors and hard edges of a personality. He’s guarded in a different way than Keigo, less affectionate in the romantics of everything, but you know he loves you, and he loves Keigo just as much, in a different way. “Sleep well.”
As you drift off, the fear in your chest is quieted to a dull hum in the back of your mind. You’re alive. You’re safe. And it’s so light.