Chapter Text
It started with a thought.
Everything started with thoughts, of course. To be specific, it started with Seungmin remembering a fun fact. Whether it was from listening to Jisung ramble about the trivia videos he had watched, or simply from one of his deep dives on the internet, he didn't know.
Fun fact: blowing on your thumb reduces anxiety.
Seungmin rarely got stressed out or anxious, usually more tired after a long day, if anything.
But it had been one of those days of things going wrong and feeling inferior. Other thoughts, that were not fun facts, kept swimming through his mind, keeping him awake until - what time was it?
He tapped his phone screen. It was well past four am. Work had ended three hours ago, and he just wanted sleep.
His brain kept refusing to let him, instead reminding him of his mistakes and what he could have done better. He sighed, holding his thumb above his face and blinking at it in the darkness, the only source of light being the faint moonlight seeping in from beneath the curtains.
He blew on it, feeling no different save for the cool gust of air on his finger. Stimulating some nerve in the thumb, puh-lease. All it did was raise the hairs on his skin.
It did clear his mind for a moment, however, and another fun fact came to mind.
Fun fact: chewing gum forces you to calm down.
Something about tricking the brain into making the person believe they are safe, because you can't be in danger if you're eating.
Before Seungmin could process the thought any further he froze.
With his thumb in his mouth.
His thumb in his mouth.
He yanked his hand away and went back to staring at his fist. Somehow, he had subconsciously decided to go from blowing on the finger to putting it in his mouth to try to calm down.
Like a baby. Seungmin scoffed internally, turning to his side to face the wall for what seemed like the seventh time that night.
Wait a second.
He knew babies and toddlers calmed down by sucking things. So if it worked for them...
There was a flutter in his chest as he stuck his thumb between his lips. He gave it a tentative suck, then found his eyelids drooping and himself feeling lighter. Better. As if someone had gently rinsed all of his self-doubt away and replaced it with a blanket of calmness.
He sighed. Maybe this was the nerve stimulation he needed, or something like that. He never studied biology in that much depth.
Seungmin didn't even notice he had closed his eyes for some time as he kept sucking, and within minutes he was asleep.
When he woke up in the morning he was happy. Sure, he was still frustrated when he messed up his lyrics, and stumbled during practice, but he felt less pressured. The world seemed less intimidating and he felt good enough to take it on.
The rest of the day went by pretty great, all things considered, and as he climbed into bed he wondered if he should try 'calming down' again.
He shot that idea down at first. Minho was asleep in the other bed's lower bunk, and the lights were off, but it was too risky. The others were awake. What if they saw? Laughed? The mere thought of being caught was embarrassing.
He did it anyways, facing away from the door and bringing his blanket up to shield his mouth. From the outside no one could tell he was doing anything other than sleeping comfortably.
Perfect.
He had the epiphany a few nights into his thumb-sucking routine. Which was to say, a few weeks after that first night. He did not do it every night, would not.
The epiphany was another fun fact, this time revolving around himself.
Fun fact: his parents had trouble weaning him off of his pacifier as a child.
That would explain why he found his, ahem, newfound method of stress relief so soothing.
He was careful to pull his hand away before he could fall asleep, more cautious than ever. He didn't want it to become a regular habit. Just something done often to help him relax. It would be easier to hide it than to explain it, because really, he was an adult and adults could find other ways of clearing their head.
He would too, but not yet. This worked wonders anyways.
"Seungminnie, aren't you hungry?"
Chan filled a bowl with ramen, then offered to fill a second one for Seungmin. He shook his head.
"I was thinking of starting a diet. I'm not that hungry anyways."
The growl of his stomach gave him away and he hung his head. Truthfully, he had been contemplating on restricting his food intake, but its roots were based on timing rather than his own weight. The less time he spent on food, the longer he could be practicing. He felt lacking in certain aspects, and even sucking his thumb couldn't make those thoughts leave forever.
"Lies. Come on, one bowl with me. We haven't sat down to eat together in a while anyways."
Chan made a neat lettuce wrap with meat and peppers and held it out for Seungmin.
The latter went to grab it and leaned in, giggling as Chan lifted his arm to feed him. He opened his mouth and let the leader pop the wrap into his mouth, then let an embarrassing squeak escape him as he was pulled into Chan's lap.
"There's your bowl," he said nonchalantly, unaware of the way Seungmin's heart fluttered.
The same way it did each time he sucked his thumb, he realized. Sitting in Chan's lap wasn't new with how clingy they all were, but Seungmin had a sort of longing to stay put. It felt nice.
He grabbed a spare pair of chopsticks and filled his bowl, before nudging Chan and opening his mouth again.
"You want another wrap? You could make one yourself, unless you want me to feed you the rest of your food," Chan joked, pinching his cheek. "Kidding. Here you go."
Seungmin took the mouthful and chewed slowly. He found that for whatever reason, he did want Chan to feed him. Maybe it was because he made his lettuce wraps so delicious, or how he grinned when he watched his members eating to their heart's content.
Maybe it was the way Seungmin felt cared for in his arms.
He swallowed that thought down with his portion of ramen, and if his ears turned red Chan didn't comment on it.
He decided not to go on a diet that week.
Seungmin's next discovery happened in an absurd way, according to himself. He was taking to treating himself like an oversized toddler, deeming self care to be more important when he was stressed.
"Maybe I'll feel better if I take a break and have a snack." It worked.
"Maybe if I take a nap I'll be less frustrated with that dance move." He got the choreography down within an hour of waking up.
"I made it through the day, time to reward myself." That one Jisung heard, since they were together washing their makeup off in the bathroom.
"With what?" Jisung asked.
Seungmin stiffened and laughed nervously. "Whoops, didn't mean to say that out loud."
Jisung shrugged. "Hey, we all talk to ourselves. I do that a lot, it motivates me to finish stuff."
He slung a towel over his shoulder and yawned. "My reward for tonight is a date with my bed and my piggie."
Seungmin watched him leave, a tiny sliver of sadness cracking somewhere inside him. "I don't even have a stuffed animal like you do."
The sadness was replaced with confusion. "I don't...I don't want a stuffed animal. Do I?"
He looked in the mirror, imagining he was speaking to a child version of himself. "What do I want right now?"
"Cuddles!"
He blurted out in a childish voice, giggling at his reflection.
"Okay, now to find someone to cuddle," he then said, in a calm, reassuring tone of voice.
He ventured out of the bathroom later and found Hyunjin on Chan's laptop.
"Stealing Chan hyung's laptop again to watch movies?" He snuggled into Hyunjin's side.
"I asked him to borrow his laptop, unlike Jeongin who claims it as his own," Hyunjin defended himself.
"Sure, and you're secretly borrowing his Netflix account too," Seungmin smirked, sinking into Hyunjin further as he put an arm around his shoulders.
"I borrow everyone's everything. You know me." Hyunjin grinned. "You want to pick a movie? I'm wasting my time trying to choose."
"Something animated," Seungmin decided. Kids' movies always put him in a good mood.
"Good idea." They settled on Frozen and cuddled, leaving Seungmin with warm fuzziness in his heart.
"Seungmin, don't get left behind!"
Changbin called out to the younger, pausing for him to catch up. They were passing through a shopping mall to get to the exit, but Seungmin couldn't resist glancing at the store displays, particularly the kids' clothes in one store's window. He tore his eyes away from the part of the baby section that was visible from the entrance with a sigh.
"I wish they made kids' clothes in adult sizes," he mentioned, reaching Changbin's side. "Some of them look better than what we can find for ourselves."
Changbin snorted. "All of a sudden?"
He shrugged. "They're cute. We can't wear things like that anymore."
"Aww, our cute little Seungminnie wants to wear things from the kids' section? You want to be a kid again?" Changbin cooed, tapping his lips.
Seungmin laughed and leaned away to avoid Changbin's coos and touches. "Cut it out hyung! I wouldn't fit anyways, but you might."
Changbin burst into laughter. "Yah! I'm not that much shorter than you."
Even after the car ride home, Seungmin could not stop thinking about the kids' clothes, nor could he figure out why they fascinated him to the point where he would gaze at them on subsequent shopping trips.
"Maybe I do want to be a kid again," he admitted to himself on a long, sleepless night. To be tucked in and serenaded to sleep sounded like a dream come true, the mere idea of it bringing a smile to his lips.
"Pull yourself together Seungmin, you can fall asleep on your own like a big boy."
'I don't wanna be a big boy, I'm tired!' The voice in his head whined. He whined out loud as well, accepting whatever he was thinking; because if he couldn't be honest with himself at late o'clock then he'd never be honest about his feelings.
"I'm taking comfort in childish things a lot nowadays," he breathed, not even daring to whisper in case it disturbed the sleep of his members.
"Is dat bad?" The words were inaudible, but the nervous pang in his chest was not so soft.
He tried again, this time louder for him to hear himself and his distorted speech patterns. "Need wo'k hawd, but 'm tryin' my best. Doin' good, jus' gotta do bettew."
A silent smile tugged at his lips. His mind wandered, and sleep overcame him quickly before any of his thoughts became coherent enough to keep him awake.
He knew he had been seen a few mornings later, when he woke up with drool in the corner of his mouth. He knew, because he had instinctively pulled his hand away from his mouth after being woken up by one of the members.
He blinked. One of the members. Not his alarm. Since when had his thumb stayed in his mouth the entire night anyways? It was sore.
"You're cute." Chan's voice. The bed creaked and the door clicked shut, then Seungmin was sitting up wondering what Chan was going to do with that information.
Nothing at all, as it turned out. It was like Chan either forgot all about it, or didn't care much. Either way it left Seungmin relieved, but with a mental note to be careful.
So he stopped the habit. For the next few weeks he made no conscious effort to stick his thumb in his mouth, and if he so much as thought about it, his hands would grab onto something far away from his mouth. His thigh, the sheets, his other hand.
It didn't matter if Seungmin was left with minimal sleep night after night, or if he was getting more stressed out as every day brought him closer to an impending comeback.
He refused to partake in his childish wants.
Until he did.
Two nights before their comeback he was restless, unable to sit still and be satisfied with his efforts. Felix and Changbin had dragged him back home from the practice room with gentle orders to sleep.
It did nothing to calm him down, every thought buzzing, his fingers itching to do something. Be useful. Be productive. Not be a failure and bring down the team.
It took him a while to realize that he had been sucking his thumb and kicking his feet off the edge of the bed for some time. With the door open.
The actions kept his breathing even, but he needed more comfort, more reassurance, more time to relax so he could fall asleep at a decent time. He needed, he needed, he needed-
He took a shower and brushed his teeth to feel clean, then dressed himself in baggy shorts, a large shirt, and fuzzy socks. He was acting without thinking as he sat on the floor in front of the mirror in his room. With a hairtie.
He tied his hair into a tiny ponytail and headed into the living room, thankful that it was empty. He didn't question what he was doing because deep down he knew. He knew what he needed.
He needed to let loose.
"The floor's lava," he whispered, crawling onto a chair. He tiptoed over to the next one, holding his arms out when he needed to regain his balance. He jumped to the sofa and giggled, finding the seat bouncy. After a few minutes of bouncing he stopped, wanting to get up and toddle around on the carpet.
He planted his feet on the ground, about to stand up when he heard footsteps.
Footsteps growing louder.
He didn't know if he could explain what he was doing, he barely understood it himself. What he did know was he had five seconds before he would be discovered.
He yanked off the hairband, tossed it aside and lay down on the sofa.
He didn't open his eyes until he heard the water filter running. He took a peek and shut his eyes again. Jeongin was filling a cup with water.
He heard more padded footsteps and did his best to feign sleep, letting nothing show on his face when the maknae's footsteps stopped beside him.
"Did you fall asleep on the sofa? It's chilly tonight."
He heard Jeongin leave and let out a breath of relief. He would just fall asleep on the sofa and pretend everything was normal and-and now there was a soft weight on his body.
A blanket. He recognized it to be his blanket. The one on his bed.
Jeongin had taken the blanket from his bed and was spreading it out over him.
"There you go."
Seungmin could hear the smile in his words and felt the edge of his blanket brush against his chin.
Jeongin knew he liked pulling it all the way up to cover his neck.
The flutter in his heart returned.
"Night hyung. You need more rest than you get."
He sensed something near his forehead, felt a gust of air. The sensation lingered for a few moments. Whatever it was moved away before it could touch him.
Then Jeongin really was gone.
It should have been easy to fall asleep from there. Except Seungmin couldn't make the flutter go away this time, couldn't stop thinking about how the maknae had tucked him in.
Tucked him in.
He recognized the feeling at his forehead. It tickled, the same way as when Jisung blew on him to make him turn away, or when Hyunjin rested his chin on his head and laughed.
Jeongin had exhaled onto his forehead. That was certain. In that position there was only one conclusion he could jump to, one explanation for why he had been so close, why that moment had felt so tense.
The maknae had leaned in to kiss him goodnight.
Weeks later, after the comeback promotions were over, he had the opportunity to look for answers. Not a day went by where he didn't think of the morning after that night. He had been in higher spirits and immensely more confident in his abilities.
"Time for a short break."
He hardly noticed he had said it in his babyish voice as he set up Felix's laptop. What tipped him off was the quizzical look Minho shot him. "Are you trying to be cute?"
Seungmin ignored him, not out of disrespect but because the answer didn't matter. The older turned back to his phone and Seungmin chewed on his lip, idly browsing online stores while waiting.
Until Minho finally stood up and left.
He sighed. The shopping had been an excuse (although, he had found a nice sweater on sale and added it to his cart, so it wasn't a total lie) to cover up his true motives.
The real reason he had borrowed Felix's laptop was to do more research on his growing wants. He knew it was unusual to be so interested in childish habits and items.
He typed in as many variations of the same sentence as he could, scrolled past random inspirational pages and scientific websites he knew were unhelpful, and finally, finally, found something that explained everything.
Age regression occurs when someone reverts to a younger state of mind.
Age regression.
He went through article after article on the topic, gathering as much information as he could. Littles, caregivers, middles, age dreaming, age ranges, pure and impure regression, gear, reasons for being a regressor. It all made sense in his head. Every last word.
He ignored the more questionable communities on the internet and delved into what he related to the most.
"Seungmin, can I have my laptop back?" Felix entered the room and smiled sheepishly.
Seungmin glanced at him, then back at the screen to assess the situation. It had been hours since he began his research. He had two tabs open, both of which he had finished reading.
"Sorry," the Aussie continued, walking towards him. "I just wanted to play a game before going to bed."
Seungmin closed the browser and grinned. "Here you go. See you in the morning."
He left to take his phone off charge, grabbing it tightly when he realized he had forgotten to do something extremely important.
Clear the browser history.
He groaned into his pillow. "It's fine, it's okay, no one checks their search history that often anyways. Relax, Minnie, relax."
Of course, all of that came out as a muffled hum since he still had his lips pressed into his pillow. He huffed again, then turned over to suck his thumb to sleep.
A few hours later when Felix was gaming at the crack of dawn, he pulled up his search history. He had accidentally closed a tab he needed open and went to his history to retrieve it, only to find many, many articles on a topic unfamiliar to him.
He abandoned his game to skim through a few of the websites, purely for educational purposes, then sighed. It was none of his business what Seungmin had been looking at. As long as it wasn't anything unhealthy, it wasn't his concern.
It took another tiring day for Seungmin to realize how deep he had fallen into the coping mechanism.
The day had gone from okay to a memory he wanted to delete. His voice wasn't at its best and no amount of rerecording or practicing his lines had helped. It only snowballed from there, until he was left with a sore throat from too many high notes gone wrong, combined with aching legs from tripping over himself during dance practice.
He was almost certain he had bruises from kicking himself and repeatedly landing on his knees too hard, but he didn't have the energy to undress himself to check.
In fact, he was on the verge of a breakdown simply because he was unable to unscrew the toothpaste cap. That was how tired he felt.
Unscrewing the cap wasn't supposed to be this hard. Brushing his teeth felt like a chore. Walking to his room seemed to take minutes instead of seconds.
He wanted to be taken care of. He wanted people to do things for him, to let him sit tight in a blanket cocoon and be free of any and all tasks for a while. He wanted, he wanted, he wanted-
He wanted to properly regress. The word made his stomach twist. He couldn't. Not when the others were home. Not when someone was in his bed - wait, who was in his bed?
A mop of hair, puffy cheeks that resembled a squirrel's, an oversized hoodie. Jisung.
"Hannie, what are you doing up here?" Seungmin climbed the ladder with his remaining strength and settled into his usual sleeping position, wanting nothing more than his thu-
No. Not now. Not when eyes that were not his own could see him. He felt guilty, even though he knew he was doing no wrong, no harm.
"I'm tired." Jisung turned to him and grinned.
That left Seungmin's question unanswered. Jisung had his own bed to sleep in. This wasn't even his room.
Jisung wrapped his arms around him and snuggled close, pressing himself to his back. "I know you're tired too."
Oh.
Jisung was comforting him.
Seungmin grabbed an edge of his blanket and bundled it up to hold in his arms. It helped. So did Jisung's embrace. The other didn't know it, but Seungmin was dipping into the fuzzy corners of his mind.
He fell asleep before he could sort out his feelings, thoughts of low self-esteem and age regression, safety and worry blending into each other.
Jisung continued to cling to him when he woke up, dazed and confused. Maybe pushing his regression (!) wants away was a bad idea. He understood that the gross, tired feelings inside remained solely because he had bottled them up instead of releasing them.
He let the fuzziness from sleep take over again, letting himself slip into a comfortable headspace where he no longer felt icky or useless. He hummed, then froze and shot up as he felt himself relax a little too much.
He had almost lost control of his bladder.
Jisung stirred beside him, but was otherwise asleep.
Seungmin breathed quietly, the sickening knot in his stomach returning as he pulled his hands away from between his legs to wipe a spot of drool from his mouth.
Just how young could he possibly go?
The others noticed the change in his behaviour within days. He seemed stressed, but relaxed at times when he toyed with his sleeve paws or kicked his socked feet absentmindedly. He was more reserved towards them, glancing away as soon as they made eye contact and speaking only when necessary. He zoned out more often and chewed his lips raw, Jeongin pointed out to Chan one day. Felix wondered if something had happened. Changbin saw him drinking with straws in his cup more often than not. Hyunjin and Jisung wanted to ask him what was wrong, but all they got out of him was "nothing". Minho watched him closely, realizing that he was only truly tense around them and not when he was alone.
What they didn't know was he was fighting an internal battle. Was he allowed to give in to his wants? Was he asking for too much when he wanted to be taken care of, when the others were probably busy with their own lives?
He managed to get through work just fine, despite his thoughts running like a broken record.
Fun fact: you're a little- fun fact you're a little- you're a little- you're a little- you're a little-
You're a little and can potentially be too little so shut it down now shut it down shut it down.
One day he couldn't take it anymore. He had spent an hour in bed, his teeth clamped around his fingers as tears spilled from his eyes. He needed to regress completely, to relax, to get the stress out of his system. He was scared of what would happen if he didn't relieve it.
Maybe involuntary regression.
The idea of being found out was overwhelming, so much in fact that Seungmin felt sick. Which was why he told Chan he was unwell and had to stay home.
"Are you sure you'll be fine all alone?" Chan asked gently, kindly, in the parental way he treated all of the members.
It made Seungmin want to slip into headspace right there and then. The only thing keeping him from doing so was the feeling in the pit of his stomach, the one that stemmed from the nervous heart flutters and was loudly present when he wasn't alone.
Fear.
Not because he could be found out, no, it went deeper than that. He was afraid of the reactions. His members' thoughts. Assumptions. It made him scared to the point of nausea, not knowing if they would accept his childish side, or if they would treat him like a child instead of an adult because of it.
He nodded silently and forced a smile, dropping it immediately when the members were out of the dorm.
Finally. He would do it. He had to.
One day of full headspace and then he could decide if he wanted to shove it away forever, or not.
He pulled up a cartoon meant for toddlers and propped his phone up on the floor. Then he spread a towel out, snuck around the dorm and came back with his arms full.
Next he sat on the floor, wiggling his socked feet as he unceremoniously dumped everything in front of him.
A few pieces of paper. Some coloured pencils. Felix's giant stuffed bear.
He made a happy noise as he hugged the bear and swayed his knees, giggling at his attire. A hoodie, shorts and socks made him feel small, and the tuft of hair poking out of the side of his head was a fun addition. He tightened his ponytail before sighing.
His thumb gravitated to his mouth as he reached for the pencils. He drew scribbles and lines and whatever he wanted to as the cartoon played, his thumb slipping in between his lips somewhere along the line.
For the first time in a while, he felt completely relaxed. Without a care in the world.
He got so immersed in his bubble of comfort that he didn't notice the door opening. Or the jingle of the keys being placed near the front door.
"I'm gonna get some water, bearie," Seungmin said in his baby voice. He paused his cartoon and stood up, steadying himself with the stuffed animal in his arms. He stuck his thumb back into his mouth.
"Wan'a come with...me?"
There was a familiar face in the doorway.
Seungmin blinked.
If it had been someone who slept in the other rooms then this would have been avoided. But it was one of his roommates.
If it had been Chan it would have been easy.
If it had been Hyunjin it would have been fun, maybe sweet.
It was Minho.
And Seungmin, for the life of him, could not read his expression.
All the fear crashed back into him. He hugged his knees to his chest on the floor and squeezed his eyes shut.
"Seungminnie? You feeling better?"
No no no no no I feel worse now-
"Can you open your eyes for me?"
Stop stop stop stop stop being soft and nice to me-
"I didn't mean to bother you, what's wrong? Can you tell hyung?"
I can't be big right now I can't I can't-
"I'm scared," Seungmin choked out, unsure which headspace he was in. He was too busy trying not to slip further. "I could explain everything, everything I haven't told anyone, but I'm so scared hyung. I don't know what you'll think, what you're thinking right now."
He heard a hum and some shuffling.
"Well right now I'm thinking huh, why is Seungmin on the floor on a towel when a blanket would be more comfortable?"
"Blankie would get dirty," Seungmin mumbled into his arms.
"Hm?" A new voice. He looked up to see Chan sitting on the nearest bed, facing him. Minho sat in front of him, smiling with a raised eyebrow.
"Blankie...would get dirty," he repeated.
Chan cooed before joining them on the floor. "Lee Know and I came back because we didn't want to leave you alone. You said you were feeling sick, but we've been a little worried about you. We just wanted to check on you to make sure you're okay."
Seungmin reached for the large bear stuffie and hid behind it, feeling like a child about to get scolded by their parents.
"Can I get some water?" He asked.
He heard some quiet mouthing.
"I'll get you some," said Minho, leaving the room.
A few moments later Seungmin felt Chan's hand on his shoulder. Still fearful, he pressed his cheek into the bear, refusing to look at him.
"I won't put you on the spot. You don't have to explain yourself or any of this if you're not ready." Chan sighed. "I think it's fair for you to know that Felix came to me last night, and we were talking. Everyone was talking, really, because we had seen you being distant lately, but Felix told me he found out about something and thought it could be related. Then I connected it with that sleeping habit you have."
Seungmin inhaled sharply.
"No one else knows anything, and we haven't assumed anything, but just know you don't have to be scared. You're not doing anything that hurts you or anyone else, right?"
He exhaled, and nodded.
Chan lightly ran his thumb back and forth, the motion providing him with a bit more comfort and strength.
"I'll tell you," Seungmin declared once Minho had returned and he had taken a few sips of water. "I'm scared, and I'm sick of being scared, so I'm gonna tell you."
He began to explain from the top. From his thumb-sucking, to the revelation on Felix's laptop, to him never actually regressing because he never had the courage to do so until it had started to affect him when he cut it out of his routine.
Telling them was more difficult than any speech he ever had to give because this wasn't rehearsed, it wasn't even planned. He spoke every sentence not knowing if he could finish them, the words harder and harder to say the further he progressed. When he was done telling the oldest members about age regression, detailing everything he knew, he was left more drained than he would be after performing a concert setlist. Twice.
The hyungs listened patiently, asking questions when they needed to clarify something.
"It's something I do on my own terms for comfort and to get rid of stress, so don't baby me out of nowhere or expect me to do it. I'm still me. This is another side of me. Nothing more. I'll reg- I'll do it when I need or want to, and if I repress it or can't do it on my own...maybe someone could talk me down or help me into headspace?"
He felt Chan nod into his hair.
"Seungmin," Minho blinked a few times, thinking deeply. "Do you want us to be your caregivers?"
Seungmin stiffened. The question caught him so off-guard that Chan had to remind him to breathe.
"I don't know?" The tears came out of nowhere. "You guys don't even have to see it if it makes anyone uncomfortable. I could...do my thing behind a locked door. Hypothetically, if everyone's okay with it, you all can take care of me. Be my caregivers."
He held up a finger as he wiped his tears using his sleeve, indicating that he had more to say.
"I can't pick a main caregiver yet, I'd need to make that connection with someone when I'm...small. Regression isn't always cute and sweet, babbling, running around and playing with toys. At its core it happens because something is wrong and my brain wants to take a break. It can be ugly crying and tantrums among other things, and although that hasn't happened yet, I'd rather have a caregiver who's okay with all that."
Minho smiled. "I can respect that. That's perfectly fine, thank you."
"How often have you done it?" Chan asked, pulling Seungmin into his lap. He rubbed his back and handed him a tissue.
"Never."
"Seungmin..."
"I've never let myself spend time in full headspace. Today was going to be the first day. If you wanna know how often I feel like doing it...maybe every few days? Every week? I haven't figured it out yet."
Chan kissed his head. "That's alright. Do you have anything that helps you feel this way?"
He shook his head and let out a broken sob. "I don't. I don't want much either, because I'm pretty happy anyways, but..."
Minho shushed him and patted his hand. "You're allowed to get things you want."
"Anything? For any age?" Seungmin whimpered. "I don't know how old or young I can go, it's different at different times for me."
"Yes," Chan confirmed.
Seungmin took a deep breath when he stopped crying, going slack in Chan's arms. "Tired. Bed please."
Chan smiled and carried him to Minho's bed, since it was easier to lay him down in one of the lower bunks. "Would you like for the others to know?"
Seungmin hummed in agreement. "Tell them for me? Tired."
"Do we tell them you faked being sick for this?" Minho joked, dropping his amused expression when Seungmin whined in protest.
"I told the truth. Felt so guilty and afraid that I felt sick. Tummy hurt."
"That's not good. Don't make yourself sick over anything, okay? Especially if it can be solved with a little vulnerability. Everyone in our group will be supportive of you no matter what. How could we not? We love you too much," Chan reassured him.
Picking up Felix's stuffed bear, Minho grinned, and gave it to Seungmin. "Get some rest, all that talking took a lot out of you."
"Love you too." Seungmin closed his eyes. The fear, the guilt, the sickening knot in him was gone.
He didn't end up falling asleep, it was too early in the day for a nap. So he waited the half hour it took for the others to return (briefly, Chan had made arrangements for a break in their schedule), and listened from afar as Chan and Minho told them what he had said, except in a neater way. Like they had taken his impromptu speech and tied a ribbon around it.
The members received the news positively. Some of them took to their phones to look it up, some thought of ways to help Seungmin feel smaller, Felix even offered to go to the store to buy him things.
Seungmin smiled, tiptoeing back to his room. He was accepted. Supported. Loved. Age regression and all.
"I love you, all of you," he whispered. "Thank you."