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The door opened and in front of Bill stood Mike, grinning widely down at him as he stood there frozen in his spot.
“There’s big Bill,” Mike said, leaning over to give Bill a hug.
Bill let himself get wrapped in Mike’s arms, taking in the scent of his cologne mixed with something cinnamon from inside Ben and Bev’s house. Bill could have stayed there, warm and safe forever, but just as quickly as Mike hugged him, he pulled away, leaving Bill cold at the front door.
“Hey Mikey,” Bill managed to croak out.
Mike pulled Bill inside where Bill took off his coat and shoes, and could take a second to think. From somewhere deep inside he could hear Bev and Eddie saying something in the kitchen, and Richie and Ben having a loud conversation in front of a TV. Bill assumed Stan and Patty were here somewhere too, but being a little more quiet than the rest.
And there was Mike in his deep red sweater, the one that Bill sent him for Christmas, making Bill hot in the face knowing Mike appreciated his gift. But Bill would have been happy that anyone was wearing a gift he sent, not just Mike.
Since he divorced Audra a few months prior, Bill had been feeling particularly lonely, desperate to cling to anything that felt good and like he was loved. It was the fact that the two of them were alone that made him want to cling to Mike, to keep him for himself. Bill knew what love was because he had been married all those years. Surely he knew what love felt like, and this thing for Mike was different. Not love.
“How have you been?” Bill asked when he realized the silence had gone on long enough.
“Well,” Mike said like he was ramping up for an entire speech, “as you can see, I got your present in the mail. It’s too bad you couldn’t get out to give it to me in person.”
“Yeah,” Bill said, nodding maybe a little too much. “It looks good on you.” Bill chastised himself for that one, although he didn’t understand why it was so embarrassing to say that.
Mike smiled. “Thanks. You look good too.”
There was something in Mike’s voice that felt a little different, but he was obviously trying to pay back the compliment that Bill just gave.
“Um,” Mike said quickly when Bill didn’t say anything right away, “I think Bev wants to say ‘hi’ to you. She’s in the kitchen.”
“Right,” Bill said, moving past Mike. “I’ll go see her then.” And without looking back, Bill quickly made his way to the kitchen to see Bev, hoping that seeing her would pull him out of this funk.
The kitchen was where the cinnamon smell had been wafting from, some cookies being pulled out of the oven by Eddie who pointed at Bill and said, “You’re late.”
He wasn’t wrong. Bev had told him to be there by eight and it was coming up on nine now, but at some point after moving to L.A. Bill had forgotten how to drive in the snow and it took him awhile to get there.
“It’s cool to show up fashionably late,” Bill said, veering from the truth.
“Not when we miss you,” Bev said, pulling him into a tight hug.
“Missed you too, Bevvie,” Bill said.
She pulled back, and Eddie swooped in for a quick hug too.
When he let go, he said, “Saw Mike’s gift you got him and Richie and I have a bet going.”
“About my Christmas present to Mike?” Bill asked.
“About you and Mike,” Eddie said without fear.
“Oh my god,” Bev said, downing her glass of champagne. Bill wondered vaguely how long they had been talking about this.
Bill looked back to Eddie. “What about us?”
Eddie rolled his eyes like he was tired of having his conversation. “Richie seems to think you two are...an item.”
“Ha!” Bev said, cutting him off. “More like he thinks you two are having an affair because, Richie’s words, no one gets a guy an expensive sweater like that if they’re not fucking.”
Bill felt himself go red. He didn’t think the sweater was that expensive, nor did he ever think of the implications of something like that. It was only recently he decided he liked men just as much as he liked women, but it wasn’t something he was sure he wanted to throw around either.
He had only just finalized his divorce not too long ago. He wasn’t sure if he was ready to start anything that serious yet, and the idea that other people thought that was mortifying.
“But,” Eddie said, taking back the conversation, “I don’t think so because we all know how long it took me to get my shit together with Richie.”
Bill knew he had an ally in Eddie, but something about the assumption made him upset. “Why does it have to be one of those options?” Bill asked. “Maybe I got him the sweater because I thought he would like it with no ulterior m-m-motives.”
And shit. There it was.
Eddie and Bev didn’t notice, or if they did they ignored it. Instead, Eddie nodded, and made a motion that he was going to check on whatever Richie was up to, leaving Bill alone with Bev.
At some point she had refilled her glass of champagne, swirling it around in her hand lightly, contemplating something.
“Do you think Mike looks good in his sweater?” she asked carefully.
“Yes,” Bill obliged. “That’s why I got it for him.”
Bev nodded. “We haven’t talked too much lately. How did your divorce go?”
Bill sighed. “I told everyone it was fine. Audra didn’t want much and didn’t want to fight. It was the publicist that dragged it on so long.”
“No,” Bev said. “No, sweetie, you don’t understand. I don’t want to know about the divorce or Audra, I want to know about you, my friend.”
“Me?” Bill said.
“Yes, you,” Bev said like it was obvious. “How are you holding up?”
“I’m fine,” Bill said, not daring to pause long enough to actually think about it. Truth be told, he was doing horribly. He was lonely and not eating or sleeping well. Without Audra, L.A. didn’t have much for him, especially when he knew that most of his friends lived in New York, and saw each other much more than he did.
“Sure,” Bev said. “But I know that you’re lying because I know what divorce feels like.”
“But the difference is you had Ben to lean on,” Bill said.
“True,” Bev said. “That is true.”
She didn’t continue her thought, and trailed off, avoiding Bill’s eye. Bill knew what she was getting at, but couldn’t bring himself to say it.
“I’m going to say hi to everyone else,” Bill said, slowly inching his way out of there, waiting for Bev’s little wave goodbye that told him he could leave.
Without getting it, he turned and left, finding where the others were and saying hello to everyone else.
It was when a slightly tipsy Eddie threw himself over Richie, lauded by a chorus of groans when Richie kissed him when Bill found Mike sitting next to him on the loveseat off to the side of the living room. Whether by chance or not, Mike sat with about an inch of space between them, and Bill found himself longing for the warmth of Mike against him as they sat together.
“It’s nice,” Mike said, almost to himself, “seeing them like this.”
Bill looked to where Eddie had curled up practically on top of Richie like they were in high school again. The groans had faded as everyone ignored them and instead focused on the shitty Hallmark Christmas movie that Bev had thrown on for background noise. Stan said something about what was happening on screen but Bill wasn’t paying attention.
It was nice. Knowing how far Richie and Eddie had come almost made Bill feel bad for making fun of how in love they were. Almost. He couldn’t let them get away that easy.
Bill looked back to Mike who he caught watching him with soft eyes. When Bill turned back, Mike quickly cast his gaze down, but Bill knew.
“It is,” Bill said. “It’s nice to see some of us happy.”
“Some of us?” Mike asked, looking back up. “Does that mean you aren’t? I mean, I know you got divorced but...I don’t know. Shouldn’t things start to feel a little better after that?”
Bill shrugged. “It’s been a rough year, but I’m trying. It’s...hard being by myself again.” He paused. “But what about you? Is traveling everything you ever wanted?”
Mike chuckled, and Bill did his best to lean into Mike without getting noticed to feel the vibrations of Mike’s laugh, of his voice. Bill didn’t know why it was so comforting, smooth and thick like honey, warm like home.
“It’s nice to get out of Derry,” Mike said. “That’s for sure. But sometimes it gets lonely, you know?”
“Yeah,” Bill said. “I do.”
Bill caught the light in Mike’s eye, a glimmer of something he wasn’t sure of. Bill felt like he was thinking that a lot tonight, that he didn’t know what he was feeling, but it was the truth. He didn’t know what to feel when Mike and he both admitted to being lonely on the night that was supposed to be about something new.
“Hey, Mikey!” Richie’s voice came from a distance even though he was in the same room. “Come prove you’re stronger than me. Eds doesn’t think I can beat you in arm wrestling.”
“I’ll give it a go,” Mike said, flexing his arm for Bill and giving him a quick wink before going over to where Richie was sitting.
Bill watched him go, sitting on his knees mirroring Richie on the opposite side of the coffee table as they began their arm wrestling. Mike easily started winning, but he must have thought Richie needed this win so he struggled a little bit for show.
Bill didn’t know what to make of what just happened, only that it seemed Mike was as lonely has he was. After his divorce a couple months ago, Bill had to figure out how to be alone again, but Mike had to be alone for 27 years and now he was alone again. He wasn’t entirely alone, but he was traveling by himself, and he did just admit to Bill that loneliness.
But where Mike was traveling and seeing the country, Bill was just a pathetic divorcee who had been with the same woman for years, the same woman he hadn’t truly loved for years. He remembered what it felt like to love Audra, but he didn’t know that anymore.
He tried to equate his feelings for Mike to something, but Mike wasn’t like Audra. Bill didn’t love him like he loved her, which is what made it so confusing. Because Mike wasn’t like the other losers either.
At the coffee table, Mike finally decided to win, and pushed Richie’s arm down against the table. Eddie leaned over and kissed Richie’s cheek in defeat, and Mike looked back over to Bill, flexing his arm again.
Bill smiled at him, and laughed when Richie said he let Mike win.
At some point close to midnight, Bill ended up back in the kitchen with Bev who had roped him into grabbing yet another bottle of champagne with her like it was a two person job. Bill caught Ben looking over his shoulder, casting a knowing eye at Bev, but other than that, no one seemed to find it strange.
Bev grabbed the champagne and looked at Bill, waiting for him to say something.
“What?” Bill asked.
“Nothing,” Bev said. “How’s Mike?”
Bill sighed, knowing she was trying to get something out of him that he wasn’t going to give. “Good.”
“Good,” Bev said. “Looks good in that sweater you got him, huh?”
“Yup,” Bill said, holding his tongue, or at least attempting to. He didn’t understand his need to spout things about Mike, although Bev sure seemed to think she knew. “He looks very nice in it.”
Bev’s eyebrows shot up. “Does he?”
Maybe it was the few glasses of champagne already in him, but Bill couldn’t stop himself from getting fooled by Bev’s game.
“He looks really good standing next to the Christmas tree,” Bill said. “Tall and handsome. He’d make a good husband for someone who needs a tall guy to put the star on top.”
Bev hid a smile behind her hand.
“Although,” Bill continued, letting his words pour out, “you don’t really need the star when he smiles like he does.”
Instead of responding, Bev opened the champagne bottle, poured herself a glass, and down it in one go. Then poured another glass for herself before sighing and looking back at Bill.
“Sweetie,” Bev said as she reached over pouring more champagne into Bill’s glass, “I don’t know why you don’t just tell him how you feel.”
“How I feel?” Bill asked. “I don’t feel anything except loneliness.”
Bev rolled her eyes and took a sip from her glass. “You claim to be lonely, but why are you so fixated on Mike out of everyone? Handsome, handsome Mike as you say.”
Bill knew what she was getting at, but it was hard to admit that’s what it was. “Because he’s alone too. That’s why.” He thought for a second. “And you can’t tell me you don’t think he’s attractive.”
“Oh, he is,” Bev agreed, “but the difference is that I don’t go around complaining about it because I know that I have a wonderful husband to go to bed with. And you don’t.”
Bev punctuated her statement by leaving the kitchen, and leaving Bill alone with his thoughts.
He could tell Mike what he’s thinking, just like Bev said, or he could suggest to Mike that because they were the only two without someone to kiss at midnight, they could kiss each other, like they were in high school again. Bill ignored the fact that his stomach flipped when he thought about that.
Instead, he took a few deep breaths and went back into the living room to join his friends in the final countdown. There were still a few minutes, so Bill tucked himself towards the back, eager to hideaway for the rest of the night.
The minutes were counting down, only a couple left before the new year and the champagne was getting passed around, making sure everyone’s glass was full.
Bev cozied up next to Ben, Eddie pressed into Richie’s side, and Stan hovered where Patty was sitting in a chair. Bill tried not to look longingly at Mike across the living room but he couldn’t help himself. Although he was glad he did because he caught Mike looking back.
When they locked eyes, Mike nodded his head towards the kitchen, and Bill followed.
“Sorry,” Bill said as soon as he knew they were alone.
Mike furrowed his brow. “What are you sorry for?”
“I don’t know,” Bill admitted, “but I’ve been weird and I just...I’m sorry for that.”
Mike stared at Bill for a second, and Bill took that second to admire his features, his brow line and full lips, his worried, tired eyes that still shone with years of wisdom and the love he shared with everyone. Bill felt safe with Mike, like he could say anything and Mike would still love him the same.
He had never felt that with Audra.
“I should be the one apologizing,” Mike said. “I may have been planning something with this party.”
“What are you planning?” Bill asked.
Mike took a long breath. “I wanted to kiss you when the clock struck midnight. I wanted everything to fall perfectly into place but that’s obviously not happening and I need to realize that.”
“W-w-what are you t-talking about?” Bill said, confused. He thought he was the one being obvious, that Mike ought to know by now what Bill wanted. To not feel lonely, to erase that loneliness for one night.
But the idea of not kissing Mike right now was making Bill’s insides crawl. He needed to kiss Mike. He craved it like nothing else.
“You’ve been avoiding me because you know,” Mike said.
“Know what?” Bill said, almost inaudible.
“That I’m in love with you,” Mike said.
Bill gaped, unable to comprehend how or why Mike would fall for him. Bill was nothing but a pathetic divorced loser, a lonely man desperate for attention, and that attention he craved was apparently from Mike. But when Mike confessed, Bill's stomach turned in a way he hadn’t felt in a long time. It was the same feeling as when he told Audra that he loved her the first time, the feeling of loving and being loved back.
Bill had spent the entire night blaming this feeling on being lonely, that he didn’t know how to be single and thus was projecting onto the only other single person in the group, but that wasn’t the case. Bill loved Mike. He knew that much to be true.
It took him this long to realize because it was different than before. When he fell in love with Audra, he was young and stupid. It felt like fireworks and roller coasters because it was the first time and the first time was supposed to be exciting. But he wasn’t young anymore, and he wanted something else. He wanted to feel safe and secure, to feel at home with the person he loved, and wasn’t Mike giving that to him?
It wasn’t fireworks, but the warm and welcome feeling of coming home when Bill realized he was hopelessly in love with Mike Hanlon.
“I think I’m in love with you too,” Bill said in a whisper.
Mike’s eyes glistened, and Bill knew he needed to say the right thing or this would all be over.
“No,” Bill said, a little stronger this time, “I know I am. And that’s why I’ve been avoiding you. Because I’m terrified.”
Mike let out a breath, and gave a soft smile. “What could big Bill be scared of? I thought you weren’t scared of anything.”
“I just got a divorce, Mikey,” Bill said. “I don’t want to ruin you, too.”
“You couldn’t,” Mike said, inching closer. “Any chance to love you is enough.”
“I’m a m-m-mess,” Bill said as Mike took his hand.
“Who isn’t?” Mike said. “I love you, Bill.”
Mike was so close now, and Bill could almost feel his breath. He took in Mike’s scent once again, although by now the cologne was starting to wear off. But it felt nice, like it was something bound to happen eventually, like them.
“I love you too, Mike.”
Mike leaned down and Bill stood on his toes to meet him halfway in a soft kiss, their lips pressing together like that’s where they fit perfectly, while in the background, Bill could hear the thunderous cheers from the other room of “Happy New Year!”