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“Why did you say that?”
“What?”
“To Charity?” Aaron can’t quite make out what’s going on, his husband looks upset, angry even and he doesn’t know why.
He had ordered Robert to stay just outside of Jacob’s Fold while he handled the whole Mack and Charity thing. He hadn’t expected his husband to earwig their conversation. Robert had been just as dismissive about the whole thing as Aaron, not wanting to get into any sort of drama anymore- especially not something that could get them behind bars. They had far too much to lose nowadays.
“Nevermind.” Robert says as he shakes his head, already making moves to head back home. Aaron does not have a choice other than to follow him.
“Rob-“
“No, it’s nothing I’m just being silly. It’s all been dealt with.”
Aaron wants to say that Robert knows that anyway, as he was listening in on the conversation but he doesn’t, knows he’s done something wrong. He doesn’t mind Robert having heard the conversation anyway, they have no secrets for each other. He just didn’t want Robert to come into the house with him, knows his husband has a way of winding people up.
“Yeah, he won’t be taking me for a mug anymore.”
“Or flirting with ya, hopefully.”
Aaron grins, “don’t worry about that.”
He watches as Robert mirrors his grin before his expression falls again, he looks hurt and Aaron can’t fathom why, although there’s still this niggling feeling that it’s him who’s hurt Robert somehow.
“Rob, you know he wasn’t actually flirting with me right? And even if he was I wouldn’t-“
“I know that Aaron, that’s not-“ He stops midsentence, dismissing whatever it is he wanted to say.
Aaron sighs, feels relief as they near the Mill, hopes the weird tension will settle once they are home.
It does, a little, but Aaron still feels uncomfortable, can’t stand the idea that he’s hurt Robert in any way.
“Rob?”
“Mhh” Robert smiles in thanks as Aaron hands him a brew and goes to sit next to him.
“You can tell me you know?”
“Can tell you what?”
“What I’ve done to upset you?”
Robert avoids his gaze as he looks into his tea before looking back up again and sighing as if he’s bracing himself for whatever it is he’s going to say.
“You said that she is only straight when it’s convenient.” Robert almost whispers his words and Aaron frowns, goes over it in his head.
“She bisexual isn’t she? I’m not sure if she’s ever said those words herself but she’s been with men and women.” Robert says, leaves the rest of what he wants to say, what he means to linger in the air, for Aaron to grasp and understand.
Aaron gulps, realising why Robert’s so upset. He should know better, he does know better.
“Rob- I’m sorry.”
Robert sighs again, almost like he’s exhausted from it all.
“Do you even know what you’re apologising for?”
“I shouldn’t have said that.” Aaron tries, knows he has to choose his words carefully. He knows better now, knows that this is not just about Charity. It’s about him being the one that Robert has vented to many times over the years- about people not understanding it, not getting it. And after all that they have been through Aaron likes to think that he’s so much better about it all.
“I didn’t mean it like that.” He winces at his own words, doesn’t want to seem like he’s just excusing himself but Robert nods, like he knows that and Aaron’s relieved.
“I shouldn’t have said that. I didn’t even think about her sexuality or- I just wanted to have a go at her, didn’t realise that I was being well- biphobic. Robert I’m sorry.”
Robert smiles a little, squeezes his hand. “I know you are, it’s just-“
“You can say it.”
“When you say those things I worry that you still don’t understand it, or understand when you’re being, biphobic.” It’s hard for Robert to say that word, Aaron notices.
“I’m not the only bi person Aaron, and sometimes I worry that you only understand it as it being my sexuality. I don’t know if I’m making sense but- I’m scared that you still don’t like me being bi, but you can just ignore it because, well I’m married to you.”
Aaron feels himself getting defensive but he knows that that isn’t going to do any good. He has to listen to what his husband has to say even if it’s hard to hear.
“Jokes like that- they hurt.” Robert hesitates for a beat before continuing. “And if I’m being honest, I think it hurt more because you said it- if it had been anyone else-“
Aaron feels his eyes well up- hates that he’s hurt Robert.
“Robert, I know this might not mean anything but I’m sorry. I didn’t even think and that in itself was wrong. You’re right you know? If someone had said that to you, I would have been so mad but when I said that to Charity I didn’t even think. I’ve learnt a lot over the past few years but I should have realised that little comments like that are hurtful and offensive. But please don’t think I don’t like you being bi-“ He almost chokes on a sob and hates himself, it’s not about his upset it’s about Robert’s
“It’s okay.”
“No it’s not. And Robert you have to keep calling me out yeah? Don’t spare my feelings when I’ve hurt you or anyone by saying stupid shit. I have to do better. I should have never used Charity’s sexuality against her like that, whichever way she labels herself.”
“I love every part of you. I will never stop regretting all that stuff I said to you about your sexuality, and sometimes it might seem that I’ve learnt nothing at all but I’m not that same person anymore.”
“I know.”
Aaron angrily wipes at his face, still feeling frustrated with himself.
“And please don’t think that I act differently when you’re not there.” Robert frowns at that and Aaron explains “because you weren’t there with me, don’t think that that is why I said it. Like I said I didn’t realise what I was saying, not that that is a good excuse but it wasn’t because you weren’t there.”
“Aaron I didn’t mean to upset ya.”
“I’m not upset that you called me out, I’m upset that I hurt ya, again.” Aaron knows everything there is to know about Robert’s coming out journey, why he’s had such trouble accepting himself- he was hurt for it and Aaron still manages to fuck up.
“Don’t be. I know you’re sorry and that you’re learning. I shouldn’t have said that you didn’t like me being bi. It’s just- my sexuality-“
“You’ve been through a lot when it comes to accepting your sexuality, I know.” Aaron fills in. “I understand why you would assume that people feel negative towards it, especially me, after everything I’ve said in the past. It’s okay Robert- please don’t apologise.”
“Me and Charity-“ Robert starts before hesitating slightly. “We might not be the best examples for ya but-“
“No don’t make excuses for me Rob. The mistakes you’ve made, they have nothing to do with your sexuality.”
Robert looks down again, tea probably stone cold by now. Aaron knows Robert still carries so much guilt about that time, even now when they are in the best place possible, loving their life with their precious son.
“You’re bi Rob, and I love you yeah? You shouldn’t have to deal with stupid comments about your sexuality, no one should.”
He thinks back to all those times that Robert had come home visibly upset about clients’ homophobic comments but also because he had to deal with comments that clearly questioned his sexuality, mocking his ‘inability to chose’. Now Aaron had made one of those comments himself, despite his progress.
“I’m sorry Rob, I really am.”
“I know you are. And sorry about being so, I don’t know, weird about it I guess. I should have told you right away- I just didn’t want to hurt ya because I know you don’t think like that anymore.”
“I deserve to be called out, especially if I hurt ya, Rob.” Aaron needs his husband to know that he’s done nothing wrong for calling Aaron out for his comment to Charity.
Robert nods, clearly needing some time to gather his thoughts. They are still holding hands and after a beat Robert moves Aaron’s hand to his own leg. He suddenly grins “I think Mack will stay away from us from now on eh?”
“If he knows what’s good for him yeah.” Aaron smiles too, relieved at the way Robert’s looks much more relaxed, tension all gone. Communication really is key, who would have thought?
“Can’t have him flirting with ya can we? Even if he does fancy ya.” Robert says, leaning in for a kiss.
“No we can’t.” Aaron laughs, happily accepting Robert’s kiss, the guilt he had felt earlier slowly ebbing away. He knows he can’t take his words back, but he can learn from today. He will never stop being the person who his husband can talk to about his struggles and hurt, even if it leads to some hard conversations.