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Jungkook hasn’t been well for a week.
You must be wondering how do I know this, since there’s no way to know how a person is really feeling — no one can read minds, after all. However, I know my boyfriend. He is a person who values his routine a lot, especially when he arrives home.
After arriving from university, he cuddles me — we hug, kiss, and sometimes even do a little bit more — and then says that he’s going to take a shower when he’s actually going to use the bathroom.
Again, you must be asking yourself how do I know this, and thinking that I’m somehow intrusive. But, actually, Jungkook is not the strongest when it comes to drinking.
The first time we got drunk after moving in together, he looked at me and said “I have a certain time for pooping, and I don’t like people interrupting me. So I’ll get home and I’ll say that I’m going to take a shower. You know nothing, shhhh”.
Obviously he doesn’t remember this, and since I’m a good boyfriend, I never talked about it either. I just let him have his moment.
So, after a long shower, we used to have dinner together on the couch while watching two episodes of some series (it’s always two). After this, he does some university work or just gets comfortable on my lap until he starts to snore and I send him to our bedroom.
It was always like this. It never changed... until now.
On the first day that I noticed something was wrong, he got home, kissed me and said nothing while going to the bathroom. I didn’t think it was so serious, but he had a strange expression, and instead of eating on the couch, he got his plate and went to the room that we used as an office.
I thought numerous times about asking what was happening and going to talk with him, but what would I say? I didn’t want to act based on something that I wasn’t sure was only on my mind, so I just let it go.
The next day, I had to work until later than usual, so when I arrived, he was already in the shower. On the rare occasions it happened, he would always welcome me with hugs and a lot of kisses, but that day he just got out of the shower, kissed my cheek and went to bed, without eating anything.
Again, I didn’t do anything. I just got under the covers with him and slept the tiring day off.
After that day, I started to feel really bad. Jungkook was becoming more distant and his routine was getting messed up, but I couldn’t bring myself to do anything.
I know that communication is the essential base of any relationship, but sometimes it was hard and I just froze. At that moment, in particular, I didn’t know how I could come to Kook and make him tell me what was going on. I didn’t want to pressure him, it wasn’t right. A little voice in my head kept saying and saying that it was only in my mind and that I was exaggerating.
I got into a self dilemma about whether to intervene or not. But it all changed today.
Kook had classes on Saturdays, but he arrived earlier than the other days. Usually, after he got home, we would cuddle and spend the rest of the afternoon doing nothing, just talking and enjoying time together. But again, as soon as he arrived, he barely looked at me before going to the room.
I was obviously hurt. Hurt because I understood that I had done nothing to help him before it started to get so serious and affected our relationship. The guilt started to spread through all my being.
It was time to do something.
I walked to our bedroom and carefully knocked on the door, waiting for an answer.
“Come in, Yoon.” At least he was talking to me.
“Bunny, can I lay down with you?” I asked, entering the dark room.
“Yeah…” He was definitely sad. His voice was so much quieter than the usual.
Without any hesitation I got by his side and hugged him. His breath started to get irregular, as if he was uncomfortable.
I couldn’t do what I did the entire week, so I sat by the headboard and pulled him closer to lay his head on my tights. He murmured little protests at first, but easily came closer.
When I looked at his sad eyes tearing up, it broke my heart.
“I’m sorry,” I said, ashamed of how I had been acting.
“I… Why are you saying sorry?” he asked confused while the tears ran through his face. “You are perfect. You did nothing.”
“Yes, I did. I noticed that you weren’t fine and I did nothing to change it.”
“It’s not your responsibility to make me happy.”
“But if you are sad, I should do my best to help you. But I let my own insecurities stop me and here we are now. The most important person in the world for me is crying on my lap.”
Jungkook started to cry louder, repeating “I don’t deserve you, I really don’t deserve you…”
“Of course you do, my silly bunny.”
It wasn’t the first time Kook had said that, and every time he did it hurt me. He was such a special person, with qualities and even failures so unique… He’s the person who would set everything aside to help me and I couldn’t even do the same for him. Seeing how he was acting strange, I had chosen to do nothing… But at least I had time to change that now.
“Kook, do you want to tell me what’s going on?” He didn’t answer me. “Want to cuddle?”
“Cuddle,” he murmured, still sniffing.
I laid down and brought him to lay down on my chest, and started to sing — something that calmed both of us down. I was a mess of guilt and resentment and that wouldn’t help any of us.
We stayed in that position for at least half an hour while I massaged his back and his nape, trying to help him relax. Luckly, it worked and in no time he was completely limp over my body.
“Yoongi, I love you so much,” he said in a whisper.
“I love you too, bunny.”
“I can’t… I… I feel constantly stressed, thinking that something is going to be wrong, and then you come with this fucking calming touch and make me feel so much better… I would be a ball of confusion without you.”
“I would be like that without you too.” I moved his face a little bit, just enough to look at him. “Kook, I love you so much that I get all silly and cheesy. And I wasn’t a cheesy person before.”
“Yeah, you really weren't.” He laughed lightly with his eyes closing.
“Are you ready to talk about what happened?” I tried again, not wanting him to bottle up his problems.
“Nothing new. I was just feeling really exhausted about everything.” He definitely demanded too much of himself, just like I did… “I started to feel annoying to others and thought that people didn’t want to be by my side because they didn’t like me, but… it’s so different with you. I feel loved! And when I saw you so tired this week I didn’t want to bother you with all these shitty insecurities.”
“Just stop right there. You don’t bother me. No way.” His eyes started to get sparkly. “I love you and if you were any inconvenience to me I wouldn’t live with you. You know this.”
“I know. Everything just became a snowball. University, insecurities, anxiety… And then I noticed that I was feeling like that, but couldn’t talk about it. I just tried to get away from what was making me feel guilty and sad.”
“Kook, I’m sorry for intervening. I didn’t want to make you talk about it. But we are humans and the only thing we can do is try to make our communication better.”
“I know. It seems simple, but—”
“But it’s complex. I know.” I interrupted him. “Is that all, bunny?”
“I think it was just this… I feel lighter now… Don’t know how to explain.”
“I do too.” I missed this proximity and having it again made me feel a lot better. “What do you think about taking a bubble bath and then having dinner or just watching something on TV?”
“I just want to cuddle with you all the time,” he said with his face reddening.
“Done. I wouldn’t let you go, anyway.”