Chapter Text
Can't not think of all the cost
And the things that will be lost
Oh, can we just get a pause?
To be certain we'll be tall again
Whether weather be the frost
Or the violence of the dog days
I'm on waves, out being tossed
Is there a line that I could just go cross?
Evermore - Taylor Swift (ft. Bon Iver)
I’m never going hiking with him again.
She held his arm tightly. She should have been petrified at the thought that they may not make it out of it alive, but in truth she was just mad at him. So she clung to that feeling of fury, she clung to anything that would make them survive this. She knew where the old cabin was, she’d been there countless times with her father as a child. Finding it in the middle of the strongest blizzard she’d ever seen, however, was proving to be a challenge.
I swear to whatever gods may exist, I will never go hiking with Bellamy ever again.
“Please Clarke, I’m exhausted and tired…” his voice was getting lost to the wind, they had to scream in each other’s ears to make out what they were saying, “let’s just rest for a few minutes, okay?”
Her rational part knew he was getting hypothermic and that it wasn’t his fault. He also had a right to be tired, considering he was carrying a considerably heavier backpack with all their camping equipment. She also knew she had to cling to any kind of feeling that would push them forward, give them strength, and make sure they would survive.
So she snapped at him. “Stop being weak. We keep going. Don’t waste your energy speaking. We’re close.” Or at least, she thought they were. Then she saw a pine tree broken in two by the wind, the same she had seen half an hour before, and realised they were going in circles. She wanted to scream.
She took a deep breath. “Okay, you get your break.” Immediately, he moved to sit down, but she grabbed his arm. “Don’t you dare sitting down.” She tried to convey the urgency of her words by giving him a stern, intense look. However, his eyes were unfocused, clouded, and she realised the situation was worse than she had previously thought.
Okay. She sighed. Desperate times require desperate measures.
Putting her own backpack down, she reached for the map and the compass. She knew she should have done this before, but had tried to get to the cabin by memory regardless, afraid the wind would blow away their only map. Bellamy was trying to shield her from the wind, which was a terrible idea considering his state, but also their only option unless she wanted to lose the map. She scanned it as quickly as she could, trying to retrace their steps, then put it away, keeping the compass in her hand.
“Let’s go.”
In hindsight, without the map they may have never found the cabin. The snow had almost completely engulfed it, making it impossible to discern even without a blizzard blinding your vision. Her heart dropped when she saw it. How the hell were they going to get inside it? Her mind was racing, her eyes were scanning the perimeter trying to find a way, any way of entering. Then, she saw Bellamy sit on the snow, hugging his knees, and closing his eyes. She felt hot tears slide down her cheeks.
No, this can’t be it. I won’t allow it.
She was at his side immediately, crouching next to him. She took off her gloves, aware she was putting herself at the risk of frostbite, and put them between her thighs to keep them warm. Her hands went straight on his cheeks, rubbing them quickly and harshly, trying to wake him up and keep him warm. “Wake up!!” she shouted at him. “Wake up, you idiot!” He opened his eyes a few seconds later, whispering something to her that got lost to the wind. Then he closed his eyes once more.
Well, fuck. Okay. She took another shuddering breath. Okay. Think, Griffin, think.
She put her gloves back on and walked around the house, trying to remember where the entrance used to be. It would have been easier if the snowstorm would subside, but that was obviously too much to ask the universe. She felt her anger and frustration build up and for the first time she conceded that, yes, Bellamy was dying, and soon she would be too. She screamed to the wind. Fuck being in control. That’s all she could think as angry tears were streaming down her face, while she furiously shoved heaps of snow away from where she thought the door would be. She would clear the entire perimeter with her bare hands if she had to, but Bellamy was not dying on her watch. She latched on that madness, trying to empty her brain of the worry, trying to stop her eyes from seeking him, afraid of what she’d see.
She doesn’t know how long it took. However, at some point the door started to appear in front of her, giving her hope as she increased her frantic digging. She checked that it would open, then went to get Bellamy. He hadn’t moved an inch and, for a moment, she thought the worst had happened. That she’d taken too long. Then, she forced herself into motion, put her arms under his armpits and pulled him up. He stumbled a bit, but at least he’d woken up. She put one arm around him, trying to hold his weight, forcing him toward the door before the wind covered it in snow once more.
They got in the cabin and she closed the door. Okay. One step at a time. We’re going to be okay. She helped him take off the backpack and sit on the bed. The cabin was small, only consisting of a bed, a wooden stove, a wardrobe, a table, two chairs, and a few cupboards. It was icy cold in there, but at least it would keep them sheltered from the wind. Firstly, she turned on the few candles around the place, so there would be some light. Then, she checked the place for firewood and realised there wasn’t much. She knew she should ration it, but she also knew if she didn’t warm up the cabin now, Bellamy’s hypothermia would just get worse, as would hers. She was running on pure adrenaline and she was well aware that once that wore off, she’d be at risk of it, too. She took off the gloves once more, searched her backpack for matches, and started working on the stove. The good thing about the snow covering the cabin’s walls was that it would act as an insulator. If they were lucky, some of the warmth from the stove would last them until the morning.
Hopefully the blizzard will be over, by then.
Once she got the fire working, she turned to the cupboards, looking for a kettle. She filled it with water and put it on the stove. They could do with some hot tea. Then, she turned her attention to Bellamy. He was lying in bed, shivering despite the clothes. By this point, the cold had seeped into his bones. She knew what she had to do, but that didn’t make it easier. She opened the wardrobe, hoping to find some warm woollen blankets. There were three. She took them out and put them down on the bed.
“Bellamy…” she called him as she gently shook his arm. “Bellamy, you need to wake up.” He opened his eyes after a few tries. Good. He eyed her groggily, his eyes unfocused. “Bellamy, you need to take your clothes off.” She gave him a pointed look, raising an eyebrow, a ghost of a smile on her lips, trying to hide the worry etched on her features. Normally, she imagined he would have smirked at the suggestion – not that it had happened before. However, she thought he would tease her, or resist. Instead, his expression remained indifferent, as if unaware of what she’d said.
She took the plunge herself instead. She removed her jacket and hung it by the door, and was immediately hit with an icy shudder. She undressed herself until the only things left were her bra, panties, and socks. He eyed her with a hint of confusion as she approached him, shivering. “Clarke, what-“
“Shh”, she admonished him, “we both need to warm up.” Then she started removing his own jacket and clothes. “Just trust me.” She helped him undress, his movements were slow and stiff. Once they were both in their underwear, she climbed into bed with him, hugging him close and pulling all three blankets on top of them.
“Am I sick, Clarke?” he croaked out, “is this a fever dream?”
She laughed nervously, feeling the tears in her eyes threatening to spill. Suddenly, the rush of adrenaline left her, and she felt dread and relief take over at the same time. She kept holding him close to her. She knew her body must be cold and unable to provide him much heat, but God, he was freezing. She quickly dried her tears and felt his forehead. It was warmer than the rest of his body. She knew it was likely he would develop a fever in the morning, but for now they were okay.
We’re okay. He’s okay. Everything will be fine.
After a few minutes in silence, she forced herself up, only taking one blanket to cover her body, moving toward the stove. She poured the boiling water in two cups, added the teabags she had found inside a cupboard, and set them on the table. Then she returned to Bellamy.
“I made tea.” She said while lying down beside him again. “How are you feeling?” She tried to keep her no-nonsense voice, to remain impassive and upset, but it was difficult. Lying down in bed like that, with his eyes closed and his eyebrows slightly furrowed, he looked so small, so fragile. She pulled him closer, putting her arms around him, and stroked his back and arms.
“So tired, and…” he sighed. His voice was feeble and he was still being shaken by shivers.
“Shh… it’s okay, I’ve got you”, Clarke reassured him, laying her head against his shoulder. “The tea will help you warm up. You just try to stay awake.” She pulled him close for another few moments. “Come on, let’s go drink it by the stove, you’ll warm up faster.”
She helped him up, making sure the two blankets were covering him fully, and helped him sit on a chair in front of the stove. Then, she took their cups and sat on the remaining chair, pushing it as close to his as possible. She moved the blankets so they would both be under them together. All she hoped is that he wouldn’t playfully accuse her of taking all the chances she could to touch his semi-naked body once it was all over. Christ, of course he would. He’d tease her until the end of days.
They drank their teas in silence. Occasionally, his head would rest on top of her shoulder, while she kept one arm around him, steadily stroking his arm. She was exhausted. She wanted to scream, cry, and laugh at the same time, but only had the energy to make sure Bellamy would stay warm. When she was done drinking, she stood up to stoke the fire, adding a bit more wood. They would have a bit for the morning, although not much.
One problem at a time.
She half-dragged Bellamy to bed, blew off the candles, and got under the covers with him once more. Out of all the times she had imagined herself (almost) naked in bed with him, cuddling as they were in that moment, a situation like this had never crossed her mind. They were facing each other, foreheads touching, her legs entwined with his, one hand around his body and the other cupping his cheek, gently stroking it with her thumb. She had warmed up, thankfully she’d known what to do and managed to retain the necessary lucidity to make sure they would be fine. His body, however, still felt too cold for her liking. She tried to take a deep breath and will herself to stay strong, but her adrenaline rush was long gone and she only managed to choke out a sob. Silent tears started streaming slowly from her cheeks, she tried keeping them under control repeating reassuring words in her head like a mantra: he’s okay, we’re okay.
“Clarke…” he whispered, voice weak, “what’s wrong?” He raised his hand, drying her tears, his eyes searching hers in the dark.
She gave him a small smile, trying to will herself into looking comforting, but she knew it came out as more of a grimace. “Nothing…” she answered, her voice masking the worry as best as she could manage. But she could faintly see his eyes, tired and hooded, still searching hers for a truthful answer. “We were idiots Bellamy. We could have died out there. We almost did.” She tried to keep her voice even. He needed to get better, he was still under the effects of hypothermia. Worrying about her would certainly not help.
“But we’re okay now, thanks to you” he shushed her with such a sweet voice that only made her tears increase. He shuffled even closer to her, which she didn’t think was possible, his arm across her body, softly stroking her hair.
After a while, his breath evened out, but she stayed awake a much longer time, looking at him, making sure he was safe and fine and alive, irrationally afraid of what could happen if she closed her eyes.
At some point she must have succumbed to the exhaustion. She opened her eyes to find her bodies still entangled, a slight flush rising to her cheeks at the contact. The little light that crept in from the windows was matted by the snow, the fire had long died out, and the air was cool. Thankfully, some heath had been retained like she’d hoped. She kept her gaze fixated on his sleeping features. He looked so innocent and at peace. She just wished all of… this was under different circumstances. She slowly raised a hand, gently caressing his face.
Shit, she froze, he’s too hot. This won’t be good.
She quietly got out of bed with a worried scowl, quickly collecting her clothes and putting them on. She gave a resolute sigh, making a mental to-do list. No electricity, no water, no internet or even phone service. Not that it mattered, their phones had been long dead after their 3-days trip. She knew it was a terrible idea to go camping up the mountains in the winter, she knew blizzards could come without a warning. She also knew that had she refused, he would have gone alone, the stubborn ass. At least she was a ranger and knew the place. He’d sworn up and down that the weather forecasts were on their side and that had been true. If they hadn’t lost time and been forced to extend their stay by a full day because Bellamy decided to take a detour, they would already be home. Instead, they were snowed in inside a cold cabin with barely any food and firewood.
At least I was with him. He wouldn’t have known about the cabin. He would have…
She shivered and took a deep breath. Back on the to-do list. She checked her bag: three protein bars, a few cookies, and some instant coffee. Not much. With his fever, they would need to stay inside for at least a few more days. Which meant scaring everyone to death at home, as well as missing work, without having any chance of contacting anybody. She’d been an absolute idiot. Really, she should have known better. She let herself get carried away by the glint in his eyes and his excitement about the place, and allowed them to end up in this situation. This was all her fault.
Back on the to-do list. She repeated herself. Throwing a pity party wasn’t going to help Bellamy. She took out the tablets of paracetamol which she had, thankfully, packed away. She started the fire again, put water on the kettle to have some coffee, and went to wake up Bellamy.
“Hey” she said gently, sitting next to him and stroking his hair. “How are you feeling?”
He looked at her confused. “Clarke?” his voice was hoarse and low “is that you?”
Her eyes went wide for a second and she felt panic consume her. She kept stroking his hair reassuringly, smiling calmly, “yes, that’s me. How do you feel?”
He furrowed his brows, “tired… my bones hurt”, he tried to push himself up but she shushed him, helping himself to sit with his back against the headboard instead.
“You shouldn’t tire yourself”, she admonished, “you’re running a fever, the wind from yesterday got to you.” He looked confused, so she continued. “From the blizzard… yesterday. Do you remember?” She tried to keep her voice level, tried to keep the panic that threatened to bubble up at bay.
“I… where are we, Clarke?” She blinked back the tears. He was delirious.
She gave him a tight-lipped smile. “I’ll get you your tea.”
She brewed him the tea and gave it to him alongside two tablets of paracetamol. She made sure he ate a few cookies with it, while she drank her own coffee.
“Clarke…” his voice was so small and distant. “Where is my mom?”
She’d been with people delirious from fever before, she had trained as a doctor before dropping it all off to work with nature, much to her mother’s chagrin. She knew the best thing to do was to not let them see panic and just reassure them. She just never thought it would happen to someone as strong as Bellamy. Seeing him like this tore her apart. She couldn’t manage to make herself look him in the eyes as she answered: “She’ll be here soon. You just rest now.”
She helped him lie back down and he immediately fell back to sleep. She took that chance to open the door and see if the blizzard stopped, which it thankfully had. The hole she had dug the evening before to access the door had partially refilled, but with the shovel in the cabin she would manage to make her way out rather easily, so she set off to do that. She needed wood and food. The first would be relatively easy, the second not so much. Once she’d cleared a way out of the cabin, she took an axe, steeled herself, and after a last look at Bellamy’s sleeping body, headed out.
The nearest patch of wood was around 100 yards away, which wouldn’t be much if not for the snow reaching up to her waist. It almost felt more like swimming than walking. Under the cover of the trees, the situation was better. She chose a short pine, enough to keep them warm for a couple of days, and cut it down. As she hacked through it, her mind was a whirlwind of worry. What would she do about Bellamy? How would she get food? They had no weapons on them, and the snow made it impossible to forage. She could find honey, the bees would be hibernating and she could probably take some without too much trouble, but that wouldn’t be enough for him, especially as he was sick. Hunting was the only option. She could make a spear, but she had never used one before, so that may just end up being a waste of time.
The tree fell down silently, hitting on the fresh snow. At least the activity had warmed her up. She cut it down into transportable pieces and started to take the branches off. As she chopped off a long one, an idea struck her. She could make a bow. She hadn’t actually done that before, but she had made simple arrowheads before, at a children’s summercamp, it wasn’t so hard. At least she’d used a bow before, she had taken some lessons, and while she wasn’t an expert by any means, she had a fairly good aim. She sighed. It was crazy and she could only think about the incredulous face of Monty, Harper, and Jasper, Raven and Murphy’s hysterical laughter, and Octavia’s raised brow when they would find out. However, it was the only option.
She brought the logs back to the cabin and chopped them, then she brought them inside, adding them to the dying fire. She checked her clock: it was 10AM. She had five more hours of sunlight to find some food. Bellamy was still asleep, but at least as she rested her hand on his forehead she found it was cooler. She let out a sigh of relief, heading for one of the protein bars. She ate it in silence, warming herself in front of the stove. Then, she took out her pocket knife and started shaping the branches she’d taken. The wood seemed elastic enough not to break. When the long stick was clean and she finished the indentations on each end, she took out an elastic band from her backpack and tied it to the bow, creating as much tension as she could without snapping either. She stood up and tested pulling it.
It’ll have to do.
She cleaned a few more sticks for the arrows, then emptied her backpack save for her canteen, string, and compass, put the sticks in it, took the bow, and left once more. By now, she had walked back and forth from the woods a few times, creating a path that was quicker to go through. Around 350 yards to the south-west there was a small lake, which could provide her with some pebbles to make arrowheads with. If she was lucky, she could even find some obsidian. She kept her eyes open on the way, hoping to find something edible around. Just before arriving to the lake, her eyes caught a lump on a tree stump, covered in snow. She rushed to it, pulling the snow away, discovering a few oyster mushrooms. Granted, they were already dying after last night’s frost, but they would do. She cut the best ones off, putting them in the backpack.
The lake was starting to freeze over. Surrounded by the quiet of the snowy forest, the light shimmering through the clouds, it was an immensely peaceful sight. But she had no time to waste. She scoured the lake’s shore. First, she caught a sturdy flint rock, good for knapping. Then, she collected some pieces of obsidian – it was turning out to be a lucky day. She swept off the snow from a log and sat down. She’d only made this once, years before, and under the guidance of an expert. Flint knapping wasn’t as easy as she remembered. Her arrowheads were a bit crooked and misshapen, but they would have to do. Taking out the knife again, she carved notches into the heads of the arrows’ shafts, inserted the arrowheads, and tied them as tightly as she could with the string she brought. They wouldn’t be durable without glue, but there was no other choice. While there was a way to make glue with pine sap, she had neither the time nor the experience to do it. Without any fletches, her arrows wouldn’t be very stable. Perhaps if she caught a bird, she could solve this problem, although catching birds wasn’t an easy task, especially with such primitive gear. She shook her head.
What am I even doing? Calling these abominations ‘primitive arrows’ is a compliment. It’ll be a miracle if I catch a squirrel.
She stood up, eyeing the cattail lining the edge of the lake. If only the ground wasn’t frozen solid, she could have dug up the roots. She made her way back to the woods. The snow muffled her footsteps, making it easier to stalk the woods unnoticed by the animals. By 1PM, she had tried (and failed) to shoot a few squirrels and a pheasant, and had seen the tracks of deer –which she was aware she wouldn’t be able to catch, much less butcher. Two hours of sunlight left and still nothing to eat. Her thoughts kept drifting to Bellamy, alone in the cabin. God knows how he was doing. Perhaps he was better and was terrified that she had left. She dreaded the thought that he might come look for her, because she knew that’s something he would do the moment he realised her prolonged absence. Or perhaps he was still delirious is bed, debilitated from the lack of food. She’d left the two protein bars on the table, but didn’t know whether he would be lucid enough to eat them.
Just as she was getting lost in her worries, a movement to her left caught her eyes. A hare was idly nibbling at something on the ground. Food eating more food. Jackpot. She sucked in a breath, raised bow and arrow, aimed, and… hit. It was dead in one shot. She hit the neck, not an amazing shot, but anything was good enough. She was so happy she could cry. They had food. Then, she used her knife to help herself dig at whatever the hare had been eating, discovering a few bulbs. She scratched one and took a deep breath in with her nose. She felt her eyes tear up: wild onions. They were small, but that was still something. She quickly put them in her backpack and made her way back to the cabin. Before leaving the wood, she collected some pine needles, making sure to only take the freshest ones. They would brew a nice medicinal tea, boosting Bellamy’s immune system.
They would get through this. She smiled, trying to push away her worries, and entered the cabin.
We’ll get through this.