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Things hadn’t been easy in a long time. Isak didn’t exactly expect it to stay great forever, but it was going pretty well. Then 2020 happened, and the two of them were both forced to do university from home. Even was his optimistic self, trying to make Isak think this could be a good thing and they’ll see each other so much more. The optimism got old fast.
Even had a hypomanic episode, followed by an awful depressive episode. Isak’s work kept piling on his shoulders. There wasn’t an ounce of optimism left in their home.
Soon, they were arguing more often than not. They didn’t even really speak anymore, they just spat remarks at the other when they got into their petty arguments. Even couldn’t even remember what they were perpetually arguing about anymore, it was just a thing they did now.
They did it so much so that they were arguing even at Even’s parent’s house on New Years’ Eve. They were all together, Even’s big family; all his nieces and nephews and his four other siblings. Isak dressed in his nice shirt and black jeans, and Even looked so good, he thought maybe this could be a nice evening. Like most days in 2020, optimism was a false hope.
“Can you pass the potatoes, Isak?” Even’s older sister, Ann, asks politely. Isak nods, leaning over Even and passing her the dish. Even rolled his eyes, finding any reason to argue with Isak.
“You seriously had to lean over me?” Even mumbles.
“Shut up, maybe if you didn’t look like that she would’ve asked you,” Isak snapped back. Everyone in the table went silent, confused at their random outburst. They all tried to pretend like they weren’t listening, as they kept listening.
“What the hell is that supposed to mean? What do I look like?” Even snaps. Isak huffs.
“You know what I mean,”
“Yeah? Why the hell did I even invite you to this?”
“Your parents invited me. Maybe because I actually talk to them,”
“Oh yeah, like how you talk to your own fucking parents?”
“Shut the fuck up, Even,” Isak shouts, glaring at Even, and now no one else can deny that they’re fighting.
“Am I wrong?” Even argues back.
“Boys, maybe you should – “ Even’s mother, Sigrid tries, but Isak cuts her off by standing from the table.
“You’re ridiculous,” He snaps, moving to walk away but Even grabs his wrist.
“Seriously? You’re going to just leave?” Even says, angry as he stands up too. Isak storms off into the kitchen next to the dining room. Everyone at the table stares between each other, wondering what they’re supposed to do.
“You’re such a dick! Why do you have to do this?” Isak shouts at Even in the kitchen, frustrated with this whole thing.
“You started it!” Even argued like a child.
“Are you kidding me?!” And that’s how it went on, just arguing about nothing, until finally Jan, Even’s father, came in and told them to stop being stupid and come eat. They left as soon as the clock struck 00:01, 1st of January, 2021.
Jan and Sigrid watched them leave with a pain in their heart, and worry swimming in their eyes. Something had to be done.
~~~
A couple weeks later, Isak has been staying at Jonas’ apartment all weekend and they’ve finally gotten some peace. Even sits on his Zoom classes in silence other than his professor lecturing the class. He looks around the apartment, but it’s spotless. Isak cleans when he’s stressed and Even hasn’t made a mess, miraculously. Even never wanted it to get like this, fighting at every chance they got. He loved Isak so much, he knew they were destined for each other. He knew they’d be together forever, and he didn’t think that was just wishful thinking.
All this fighting was just the stress, that’s what he told himself. Yet again, here he was in their living room, hating the silence.
Once his last class was over, his phone rang. Perfect timing, he thought as he answered Isak’s call.
“What?” He asked and Isak scoffed.
“Your mom just called me, she said there’s some emergency at your family cabin,” Isak tells him. He sounds like he’s walking outside, fast. Even furrows his eyebrows.
“My mom called you?” He asked and Isak huffs, frustrated.
“Did you not hear me? She says there’s an emergency and we have to go up there. Sounds urgent,” Isak tells him. “I’m walking to the tram stop now, I’ll be home soon, but be ready,”
“Wait, what kind of emergency? The cabin’s an hour away! What the fuck?” Even questions.
“I don’t fucking know Even, I didn’t interrogate your mother when she begged us to come to the cabin, jesus,” Isak huffs and then hangs up on him. Even scoffs, annoyed, but he packs a bag just in case.
When Isak gets there, cheeks rosy, Even thinks for a second about kissing him, but then Isak’s packing his own bag and rushing back out the door with Even’s car keys. All of this feels so frustrating, this disconnection between the two of them. He didn’t even know they were fighting anymore, and he desperately wanted his Isak back.
Even drove in silence with Isak slumped down in the passenger seat on his phone. There was barely any service on the ride up to his family’s cabin, so Even knew he wasn’t scrolling mindlessly through social media. The most he could do on his phone was read the PDF’s of his medical textbooks, and honestly Even wouldn’t put it past him to be reading a textbook instead of talking to him.
An hour later, they get to the cabin in the woods as snow starts to fall and the sun begins to set. Isak goes straight to the cabin and bursts in, looking all around for Sigrid or Jan, but it seems like no one’s here.
“Is, their car isn’t here…” Even calls out when he enters the foyer. Isak comes back to the foyer from the kitchen with a note.
“They aren’t here,” Isak sighs, thrusting the note into Even’s chest and kicking his snowy shoes off before storming back into the living room. Confused, Even reads the piece of paper.
My babies,
Jan and I are worried about the two of you.
You shouldn’t be fighting like this, you love each other, and you know that.
I’m sorry I had to fake an emergency, and I’m sorry if this has ruined any
plans the two of you had.
You need a getaway. You two need to spend some time alone, and talk through this,
before you tear each other apart.
Remember what it’s like to love each other.
Best wishes and love,
from Mamma S
Even has to admit, that maybe she’s right. Before saying anything to Isak, he heads back to the car and grabs their things. Isak didn’t storm out immediately, so maybe he agrees with Sigrid as well. It’d be the first thing in months that Isak and Even could both agree on.
He set their bags down by the door and took off his shoes before locking the door behind him. He slowly entered the living room to see Isak laid out on the couch with his arm covering his face. He was just lying there, silent, and Even didn’t know what to do.
“Issy?”
“Don’t,” Isak snapped and Even just nodded, knowing he should’ve expected Isak to be pissed. Even fell into the recliner next to the couch, huffing. He didn’t even know what to say, he just wanted this never-ending fighting to end.
“What’s wrong?” He tried and Isak shot up, seemingly invigorated by anger.
“Seriously?” Isak growls, standing up in the middle of the living room, “I’m basically trapped in the middle of nowhere on a Friday night, when I have a paper due Sunday night and – and how did your mom even trick us into doing this? And you’re asking me what’s wrong!?” Isak huffs, running his hands through his unruly curls. Even sighs.
“What’s actually wrong though?” Even says, standing up from the chair and meeting Isak in the middle of the living room. Isak flinches and Even notices. He sees the look in Isak’s eyes. “We’ve been fighting for months and I can’t even fucking remember how this all started. Do you remember?” Even asks, thinking it’s a rhetorical question, but Isak flinches again and Even’s heart clenches.
Isak knows something that Even doesn’t and it feels like they’re a million miles away. It feels like in Romeo + Juliet, when Romeo is banished to the desert, miles away from his only true love. Even feels like he’s in the middle of nowhere and all he wants is his soulmate in front of him. He thinks he can see him, right there in front of him, but Isak’s got a different look in his eyes. He doesn’t look like Isak.
“Do you… What’s wrong, Isak?” Even practically pleads.
“Stop,” Isak says, “No – Nothing’s wrong, I’m just pissed about being here. I don’t want to be here,” Even can’t catch his eye. His boyfriend is looking anywhere but him and Even is feeling desperate at this point.
“No, tell me what’s wrong. Why is this happening? Why are we fighting like this? We didn’t use to be like this,” Even snaps, stepping into Isak’s personal space. It makes Isak flinch, and clench his fists nervously. Even sees it all, the disconnect, it’s Isak. Something’s wrong and it’s Isak.
“I just don’t want to be here!” Isak yells.
“I don’t want to be doing this either, but we have to! Okay? Tell me what’s happening!”
“Even!”
“Are you…” Even feels bile creep into his throat just thinking about saying it, but he has to. “… with someone else?” He croaks out. Isak finally looks at him, shocked. “You’re in love with someone else,” Even says finally, not even able to make it a question. He’s so sure of himself until Isak laughs this ugly, bitter laugh.
“You’re the one who doesn’t love me anymore,” Isak says, voice low as he turns away from Even, like he’s going to leave. Even scoffs.
“What the hell are you talking about, Isak?” He’s beyond frustrated at this point. Isak turns around with a fire in his eyes.
“You don’t remember,” Isak says, and that’s it, he says it. He doesn’t question it, because he knows Even doesn’t remember it, and Even feels that bile creep back into his throat again.
“What are you talking about?” He asks again, softer now because he doesn’t know what’s about to happen. They’re a million miles away, traveling in the dark and desperately trying to get back to one another. Even fears that they won’t find their way out of this darkness.
“Last September,” He starts, looking down at his socked feet on the wooden floor as Even watches him closely. “During your… mania… you asked me to marry you. And then, you forgot about it, of course. But I didn’t, and I was…” Isak swallowed thick, subconsciously stepping away from Even as he recalled the awful memory, “When you were depressed, I was trying to comfort you… telling you about these stupid plans like you were serious about proposing, and I should’ve known better. I know you were manic, and you always talk about… weddings and shit when you’re manic, but this time felt real. I didn’t even realize you were manic until you were depressed and then…” Isak shrugged, “You told me you don’t love me enough to actually marry me, and…” He stopped talking finally with another hopeless shrug.
Even couldn’t believe it. “Isak, I was depressed,” He snapped back, “You know I say stupid shit when I’m depressed. Shit that’s not true,”
“You say fake shit when you’re manic too, Even,” Isak says, looking back up to stare at him. Even shook his head, about to say something, when Isak continues. “You know why I believed you this time? You haven’t said you loved me since your fucking manic proposal.”
“Isak, that can’t be true,” Even tries, feeling desperate as Isak takes another step back and Even realizes it’s because he’s taken a step towards him. Even feels his heart crack in two when Isak shakes his head.
“It’s true, you haven’t told me you loved me since September and all we’ve ever done since is fucking fight because I can’t fucking break up with you,” Isak admits, angry tears shining in his eyes. He clenches his jaw and Even feels like punching something.
“What… Why didn’t you just fucking tell me that?” Even shouts, so damn frustrated that they could’ve worked this out months ago but Isak let this stupid fighting go on for this long already. How much longer were they going to go on like this?
Suddenly, Isak turns and storms out of the living room. He hears Even call out his name but he can’t do this anymore. He slips on the first pair of shoes he can reach and slams the front door behind him. He stomps through the thick snow, quickly realizing he put Even’s boots on because snow slips through the gap. They’re only a half-size difference, but the snow finds its way in, making a home in Even’s boots and turning to wet slush, effectively freezing Isak’s socked feet.
He stomps his way through the snowy forest for as long as he can in the dark. The light from the cabin is far enough away that Even won’t be able to see him, but Isak can still somewhat see what’s in front of him. It’s freezing, and snow is still falling, but Isak can’t go back. He comes across a rock that he can sit on, since his legs are practically numb and it’s getting dangerously dark. Maybe he shouldn’t have stormed out into a snowy forest, in the dark, in Norway, in January, in only a long sleeve shirt, jeans and Even’s boots, but he wasn’t going back now.
Admitting to Even what he did felt like betrayal, somehow. Isak didn’t mean to get so hung up on it, but what was he supposed to do? He was smart, he knew love didn’t last forever. He didn’t exactly grow up with the best examples for a happy relationship. But he didn’t mean to take Even’s words to heart, and that felt like betrayal.
Isak had never been so in love with someone. He didn’t know how he was supposed to react when Even proposed out of nowhere, without any evidence of being manic, and then crashes the next day. Isak didn’t know how to not blame himself. So, he sat on that rock, hugging himself for warmth, too cold to even cry. He said yes.
He wants to marry Even with everything in him, even the parts that doubt Even’s love for him, and that’s how he knows he’s in this. So, it terrifies him, thinking Even isn’t in this. He thought about Even telling him he didn’t love him enough to marry him every day since he said it in late September, and he still loves Even, desperately so.
So, it hurts. It hurts so damn much being in love and truly believing that the other person wasn’t so in love. Isak tried so hard to push Even away. He fought with him about everything, and Even stayed. Even never even threatened to leave, or to break up with him, and that only made Isak angrier. He promised himself to never break Even’s heart, but Even was the one breaking his.
“Isak!” Even calls out, sounding desperate, and by this point Isak realizes he’s crouched in on himself, shaking from the cold. Suddenly, Even’s warm hand is touching his bare neck, shocking him. “Fuck, baby, I thought you went to the car, you fucking idiot,” Even mumbled, grabbing Isak’s arms to bring him to stand.
“Leave me alone,” Isak grumbles, trying to get away but Even quickly grabs him and throws him over his shoulder, stomping through the snow and back to the cabin. Isak tries to struggle, but his limbs are so frozen it hurts just to move. How long was he out here in the snow?
Even quickly lays him on the couch and wraps him in the blankets that are close by.
“Stop, you’re overreacting,” Isak whines, even though his teeth are chattering he still tries to push him away. Even levels him with a glare.
“You’re blue,” Even snaps, leaving the room, presumably to get more blankets. Isak grumbles, but sinks deeper into the blankets, feeling like it’s not nearly enough. Isak shoves his face into his freezing cold hands, trying to stave off the tears that are burning his eyes, but the tears feel warm on his icy face.
He sits there, alone in Even’s family cabin, frozen half to death, and he feels like a burden. None of this would have happened if he just brushed off Even’s comment, but he let it cut deep. He let himself be weak.
He knows Even’s in the room again, setting a cup on the side table. He knows Even’s approaching with caution right now.
“I’m fine,” Isak sniffles, wiping his face but he knows Even has seen him crying. He’s silent for a while and Isak almost thinks he’s left until he’s sitting next to him on the couch. Isak looks up at him and Even just reaches to pull Isak into his embrace, but Isak stops him.
“Is, you need to warm up,” Even says, and pulls Isak into a cuddle. Isak scoffs, he almost thought Even was going to say he loved him.
Even holds him close, rubbing his back to try to warm him up and they’re silent for a while. Isak tries to stop tears from running down his cheeks, but he can’t seem to stop.
“Isak, I’m sorry,” Even says suddenly, his voice strained, like he’s choked up. It takes Isak by surprise, but he doesn’t move. He doesn’t say anything, because Even continues, “I want to say that you… you know I love you, but… I guess you don’t,”
Even sounds like he can’t believe himself, and Isak knows the feeling. Even squeezes Isak tighter, like he’s trying to pull Isak closer, but he can’t. Isak’s head is on Even’s shoulder, listening to his shaky breathing.
“This is like my nightmare,” Even whispers, but Isak hears him clearly.
“What do you mean?” Isak asks, once he realized that Even wasn’t going to continue speaking. He listens to Even sniffle and Isak slowly brings his freezing hand to touch Even’s chest. Even breathes in all shaky.
“I never meant to hurt you, I didn’t even mean the shit I said… but I’m sorry that I never made you feel like that was a load of bullshit. You believed me, and… and I let you believe it,” Even rambles, voice barely above a whisper. Isak can’t even say anything, he can’t think of anything to say. He doesn’t think there’s anything he’s supposed to say.
“Why didn’t you… tell me you loved me?” Isak asks, his voice now a whisper as well, like he can’t bear to hear his own words.
“I’m an idiot, and I’m selfish, and I’m an idiot,” Even says, rubbing at Isak’s limbs almost frantically trying to warm him up. “I love you so much, I promise I do, I just… got caught up in all the fighting, and I forgot that maybe you didn’t know how much I love you,”
Isak thinks for a moment, before gripping the fabric of Even’s shirt in his fist.
“I love you so much, I’m so sorry,” Even pleads, nuzzling his face into Isak’s mop of curly hair. He knows his hair must be damp from the snow, but he doesn’t mind when Even kisses the top of his head over and over again. Even weaves his arms under the blankets and grips onto Isak’s body, holding him like he thinks Isak’s going to disappear.
“I’m sorry I believed you,” Isak says, and he’s afraid his voice is too quiet but Even freezes, leaning down a bit to try and lock eyes with him. Isak looks up at Even’s face, he’s got wet, teary cheeks, and a snotty nose, but Isak’s still so in love with him. “I really believed you didn’t love me enough to… marry me,” He finishes, and Isak can see Even’s heart break yet again. His mouth opens and closes a few times, like he doesn’t know what to say to that, and it makes new hot tears spring to Isak’s face. “It’s okay… We don’t have to get married,” Isak says.
It’s so silent in the room, Isak thinks he can hear himself blinking. He looks away from Even’s teary face to let his own tears fall as he leans against Even’s shoulder. Maybe this is better. They can go on loving each other just enough. Maybe Isak loves Even more than Even can love Isak, but maybe that’s okay. Maybe Isak can live with that. He can forget their dumb fighting, and they can move on. They can go back to the way it was, before the proposal. Before Isak realized all the things that he won’t ever have.
He almost wants to joke with Even about how they made plans to be married in the spring with yellow daisies, and how they spoke about what music would play, and how Isak would wear white, because he looks so good in white. They talked for hours before Even fell asleep and woke up telling him it was all a lie. He doesn’t actually want to say it, but he doesn’t know how else he’s going to stop thinking about it. Before he can say anything, Even finally says something.
“I don’t want to propose to you like this,” Even says, and Isak wants to roll his eyes. He wants to ask him why he’s bothering to twist the knife he stabbed into Isak’s heart, it’s in there deep enough. But Even continues, “I always wanted to propose to you in this big, grand way, where you would blush all red, and be embarrassed but I know you’d love it secretly, and it’d be like a movie, and it’d just be perfect. But I always wanted to propose,” He says, and Isak looks up at him again, taken back by the serious tone. He wasn’t whispering anymore, he was speaking clearly.
“Ev – “
“No. I want to marry you, Isak, I want to marry you so badly. So, I guess this is how I propose, not like a movie, but holding you because you almost got fucking hypothermia, and I look all snotty – “ Even rambles on.
“Even, stop,” Isak says, sitting up in his lap. “You… I don’t want you to propose to me just because I’m upset,” He tells him, feeling like shit for forcing this on his love. Even looks at him with pleading eyes, grabbing Isak’s waist.
“Baby,” Even sighs, thinking for a moment. “There’s a ring, in my medicine cabinet. I know you don’t look there because you think I’ll know you look at my meds,” Even kind of chuckles, but Isak doesn’t think it’s funny.
“There’s a ring,” He says, shocked and confused. He has no idea what to say.
“I’ve known I was going to marry you since that trip to Morocco. And then I knew again when you took me to meet your mom, and she was so happy for you, and you cried. I knew again and again and again,” Even says. “And I knew that day I was manic, and I’m so, so sorry that I ruined this for us,”
Isak stills there, on Even’s lap, stunned. It’s silent for so long, just the two of them staring at each other. Isak thinks of all the times he thought about marrying Even, and that first time Even met his mom was the moment he knew. Even had so many moments, it was like he was collecting them. Isak couldn’t deny that he didn’t think about marriage that often, until his mom said she was proud of him, and until that night Even proposed. Hearing Even talk about all these moments, these memories he was collecting about all the times he wanted to marry him, it makes Isak’s warm from the inside out. His bones suddenly aren’t so frigid. He feels alive, like he hasn’t felt warmth like this in months.
“I’m sorry if you don’t want to marry me now. I understand,” Even says, rubbing Isak’s arms to comfort him.
“You’re such an idiot,” Isak breathes out, moving his arms up to cup Even’s face in his hands. “I tried so hard to push you away and you were so stubborn.”
“You can’t push me away,” Even says, simply. Isak shakes his head before connecting their lips in a hard kiss. It’s overwhelming, how much he’s feeling right now, kissing the love his life, after months of loveless pecks and cold touches. Isak felt so warm with emotion as he pulled Even closer, wrapping his arms around his shoulders. Even’s arms wrapped around his waist, keeping Isak close to him.
Even pulls away, just for them to rest their foreheads against each other, catching their breath. “Will you marry me, Isak?” Even whispers, breath wispy against his lips. Isak wants to laugh when hot tears spring to his eyes for the umpteenth time tonight.
“Okay,” Isak nods, lips pressing against Even’s again.
“Okay?” Even smiles and now their lips were touching and not really kissing. Isak can’t help but smile back at the goofy man of his dreams.
“We’ll get married in the spring,” Isak whispers, and Even crinkles his eyebrows, not understanding but Isak just shakes his head. “With yellow daisies,” He adds and Even gives him the sweetest smile.
“You’ve thought about this,” Even states, not wondering, he knows now. Even feels like he’s the one who was out in the cold when a rush of warmth enters his body as Isak smiles. Warming him from the inside out.
“For a while now,” Isak whispers, and he just holds Even’s face in his hands, that aren’t so cold anymore, and kisses him lovingly. Isak wants to admit a million things, about how he loves Even more than words can say, about how he’s so desperate to grow old with him, and he’s never felt this way with anyone, ever. He wants to say a million things like that, but he thinks he’ll save them for something like a wedding. It will all make good vows, Isak thinks.