Chapter Text
It was Friday night; Rey and Rose were having dinner in downtown Chandrila. The newly revitalized plaza had several new restaurants open, and they were slowly making their way through the eateries. Last week had been Asian fusion, and today it was wood fired pizza with seasonal toppings on a thin crust. The square was bustling with locals taking pictures by the massive fountain as their children chased each other on the grass. A drummer, keyboard player, and a girl tuning a guitar were setting up their equipment on the portable stage as the sun dipped into the horizon, basking the town with a honey glow.
“Rey. It’s time you got out there. I love you, but you need to at least try to meet someone. Any guy would be lucky to have you in their life.”
“Yeah? Tell that to Jared,” Rey quipped to Rose right before she took a bite of her gluten-free Cesar salad.
“First off, fuck Jared. He’s a loser who likes to play Edward Fortyhands while wearing an adult diaper to be efficient. Not all guys are like Jared. In fact, no guys are—and that's a good thing.” Rose tipped her white wine back and took a polite sip. “The dating world is hard and finding someone who has the same values as you is practically impossible. I know the right guy is out there, you only need to start looking. You found Finn, Poe, and me here, I don’t see why your soulmate isn’t around either.”
Rey admired the families and happy groups of people enjoying the evening, wanting what they had but for her was always just out of reach. She shook her head.
“Soulmate? Doubtful. You act like I’m going to sing karaoke at Mon Mothma’s and suddenly find the man of my dreams.”
“I met Armie at Starbucks. It's almost cliche. Actually, I think that's the definition of cliche. Look, you don’t know where it's going to happen or how, but I want you to at least put yourself out there and try to meet someone.”
Thankfully, they were interrupted by their waitress bringing their pizzas. Rose stood up and hovered her phone above their food, adjusting the items on the table just so, snapping several pictures. Rey considered confessing why Jared had laughed at her. She was terrified Rose would respond the same way. It was at the top of her long list of valid reasons why she didn’t date, and though she couldn't truly justify each one of her 273 excuses, that one was truly compelling.
For once, say yes, her vagina muttered. Rey’s sentient vagina. We could have sex. I know I’ve been picky, but I promise I’ll change. I'm happy to do it with anyone at this point, and I do mean anyone. Rey ignored her commentary, used to her ridiculous input by this point. She had opinions on everyone. For example, the teller at the bank. I refuse to have a fan of Family Guy inside me. Their insurance agent. We’re not fucking a guy who wears clip on ties! Even the Uber driver who picked them up from the airport. He smells like Pall Malls and Peach Schnapps. Generally speaking, the more Rey talked to them, the more Vagina Rey hated them.
Rey squirmed and shifted in her seat. She never hesitated to express what was on her mind, and today was no different.
For the longest time she was terrified of the OBGYN, but she reached a point where she had to go. In between sobs she told Dr. Holdo that she was a freak but her practitioner was kind and supportive.
“It’s extremely rare, but not the first time I’ve heard of a sentient sexual organ. You’re not a freak Rey, just different. Special.”
Rey nodded her head and accepted her doctor's diagnosis with a couple of very dated 1980s pamphlets. She researched the subject in hopes to find more information or if possible other people that would further explain her gift. The internet was as helpful as Dr. Holdo’s leaflets. It could be genetic, but usually a random anomaly that favored both genders equally. Their voice could only be heard by their owner. Finally, it looked different than a typical pussy or dick.
Jared had been the first guy she dated, and he seemed nice enough. He wasn’t someone she cared about, but she wanted to make that leap and explore her sexuality. Rey would never forget the moment his head moved to go down on her, reaching her center, and how he immediately started laughing and couldn't stop. They not only didn’t have sex, but he left and never called her again. She wasn’t sure who was more upset—her or her vagina.
“Okay. I'll do it. I'll do the swipe dating, but I feel like I’ve already met every single guy in this small town.”
“Hey! We have almost 26,000 residents, which I find to be amazing. You don’t know everyone, and they don’t know you.”
“Just help me with my profile after dessert.”
*
Rey swiped left and right throughout the weekend, trying to make conscious and thoughtful decisions. Her phone made a happy noise and vibration every time there was a connection. Rose was right—she didn’t know everyone but she recognized some of the faces on the app. She swiped yes to the somewhat older bartender at the local brewery, but she wasn’t sure if it was him she liked or his French Bulldog.
A handsome blonde whose blurb mentioned he was in tech was another swipe, and the moment she did, her phone gave her a gleeful sound, letting her know they matched. She wondered about the etiquette. Would Beaumont message her first? She saw her cycle instructor who had told her she needed to cut refined sugar if she wanted to make a real change with her body (swiped left on that one), and she definitely swiped left on her coworker Tarkin who was well over 65 years old but was claiming 42. His pictures were of him and the cars at the dealership, not his own. As she sipped her raspberry Whiteclaw and picked through her movie list, her phone vibrated.
Beaumont.
*
He shook her hand when they met, a solid firm grip, and helped her sit in her chair, something she hadn’t experienced before. He was simply put, nice. Rey knew she should like him, he was handsome, polite, and had his life together.
I’m pretty sure all he’s going to want to do is missionary. Rey ignored her, and continued with her date, knowing her promises to change were always empty. You know I have a dick sense, Rey, and it’s sensing...it's on the smaller side.
They chatted about the basics while picking out their small plate entrees at the New American restaurant, Tusken Raiders. When he asked what she did for a living, he lifted an eyebrow at her response. Working as a mechanic at the priciest dealership in town usually got that kind of reaction, but he didn’t press her for details. She wondered, could they work? She had been told opposites attract. She wondered what it would be like to spend time with him. He was a project manager at DLF, the local software company, and he owned a condo, drove a BMW, and loved to golf. His vacations focused on well-known golf courses around the world. As he talked about his trip to Carmel-by-the-Sea to play at the prestigious Pebble Beach golf course, Rey started to tune him out. It wasn’t on purpose. Her mind wandered as he talked about the sunrise and the sound of the sea at the 8th hole and how beautiful and serene it was. Rey’s idea of beautiful was a Fathom Blue 1970 Chevy Chevelle LS6. When she thought of serene, the heady sound from a 429 CI V-8 engine being revved came to mind. As he showed her pictures of grass and sand and sea, she realized, she was being close-minded.
“Maybe we could hit some balls on our next date?” Rey asked as she swiped through his album of polo shirts and khakis.
“That would be great. There’s a driving range not too far from here, possibly next weekend?”
“Fantastic. The weekend after that—I’ve got an extra ticket to a car auction at the City Plex. Would you like to check it out and see what that's like as well? I see you in your element, and you see me in mine?” She was earnest with her invitation and smiled when she handed back his phone.
“A car auction? Isn’t that pointless? It's not like we could bid or win any of them.” He didn't look up as he buttered his bacon biscuit. “Maybe later on in the future we could do that.” The conversation drifted to other subjects, and Rey realized they truly had nothing in common and the excitement of the first date slowly dissipated. They talked about meeting again as they parted ways, but Rey never texted him and he never reached out either.
She was happy that she tried.
DJ showed up with his Frenchie as promised, and even though he was a little older than his pictures, she looked forward to the evening. He requested the outdoor patio to her delight, but realized why when he pulled out his Juul. He opened his “murse” (his words, not Rey’s) and pulled out a small meal for his pet, Del Toro or Toro for short. As his dog began to eat, he scratched his ears. “Toro and I share meal times. Keeps us both on schedule.” I dunno Rey, he seems like the kinda guy that would star in a Cialis commercial. DJ slipped on some heavily framed Ray-Bans with thick clear lenses and shifted them down to the tip of his nose. He proceeded to read the Sushi menu roll by roll mouthing the words to himself.
Scratch that, he’s definitely starred in a Cialis commercial.
It wasn’t that DJ was a terrible person, he wasn’t what she was used to, but she shook that thought immediately—who was she used to anyway? They ordered their salad, tempura, rolls, and sashimi platter. While they waited for their meal to arrive, he proceeded to tell Rey how he was kind of a local celebrity, how his brewery with a very exclusive membership program was the only one in the entire county, and that Benicio’s was considered one of the best ale houses in the area. “It's better than Codebreaker’s, that’s for sure.” He dabbed the slightest bit of wasabi on his raw fish, folding it in half and then dipping it ever so slightly into his soy dish before eating it whole. He didn’t mind that she used a fork as he confidently grabbed sashimi and salad with his personal set of chopsticks. She picked at her broccoli tempura, and that's when he began his critique of the free local magazine, Chandrila County Weekly, which didn’t give him the honors of Best Brewery this past year. “Total bullshit. I wanted a recount, but they refused.”
Suddenly, he asked what she did for a living.
“Mechanic? That’s kind of hot. How’d you get into that line of work? Ex-boyfriend or something?” he asked, effortlessly dipping his tempura carrot into the tentsuyu. He had seemed slightly miffed earlier when she called it soy sauce.
It looked like soy sauce.
“Ah no, I was around cars my entire life. I love the auto industry, hate the sexism, but I’m used to it.”
“I completely understand what you mean. People look at me and they stereotype who I am and what I do without getting to know me first.”
Rey raised an eyebrow. “How are you stereotyped?”
DJ gestured with his free hand to his whole body. “Men, who are a majority of my customers admire me because I live a wild lifestyle. My brewery, Instagram feed, and even little Toro here are part of the construct. I eat delicious food, date gorgeous women like yourself, and travel when and where I want. They desire my way of life, and I make them feel like it's achievable, even if it isn’t. Some women, though, the ones that like to jump to conclusions before getting to know me, think I’m a sexist pig because of the image I uphold for my business.”
“Why do they think you’re sexist?”
“It’s mostly the employees I hire. They tend to be younger women in college, but they’re hard workers. They don’t have kids or husbands, just coursework, plus they have bills to pay so they don’t call in sick. With the bar having a late schedule, they don’t worry about class conflicts. Most importantly, they tend to bring in repeat customers which is great for the membership side of my brewery. Everything was going fine until some book club visited my tasting room. Basically a bunch of old unattractive women came in and they hated their server Chelsea, our hottest employee. Personally, I think she reminded them that they’re not as young as they used to be. Misandry is alive and well in Chandrila, Reese.”
“Rey.”
I was joking about the ageism earlier, but seriously, do the right thing. Tell this asshole what any woman would be thinking right now. Explicitly state you’re not into old saggy balls slapping your—”
“Sorry about that, your hazel eyes are just very….distracting.” He winked as he tugged at his Juul.
*
Rey pulled into FinnPoeGym at 7:15PM sharp, just before her weekly training session with Poe. She was their number one customer, literally their first. Their ID cards had their picture, their member ID, and a nickname they had given themselves when they joined, a brilliant marketing strategy. Even with the iconic number one in front, she rarely used it. The staff knew her so well that they didn’t even make her swipe her badge. Of course Finn and Poe would tell her to (analytics or something), but she was almost always pressed for time. With her gym bag on her back and airpods in her ears, she texted Rose about DJ as she headed for the lockers, streaming her favorite mix to get her pumped for her session.
She heard a deep voice speaking, but she was focused on her phone and didn’t think much of it. A flash to her right, and suddenly, there was a hard, massive chest in her face. Rey dropped her phone and took a step back but stumbled, and as she was about to fall, an arm quickly wrenched her upright with a firm grip and let her go.
“Do you have a membership here? You need to scan your badge.” Rey looked up at FinnPoeGym’s employee, peeved he had questioned her affiliation. A large arm stretched and pointed to the front desk. He wasn’t the biggest man she had ever seen, but he was certainly massive. His thick dark hair was almost to his shoulders, and his fair skin showcased the moles spread across his clean shaven face.
She whirled around, walked over to the check in desk, and as she stared at him, scanned herself in, making a show of swiping the white card with the number 1 blazoned on top and her nickname, Scavenger, below it. A picture of her looking at the camera slightly cross eyed and her mouth parted open showing her top and bottom teeth was centered in the middle. Rey was just about to express her dissatisfaction when her vagina commented first.
Holy fuck Rey, he looks like Keanu’s younger brother. His hotter younger brother, who hits the gym. My dick sense is going off the charts, I’m pretty sure he’s proporti—
“Do you realize how unsafe that was?” she snapped. He was holding her phone, and she yanked it from his grip. Her vagina might have been smitten, but she wasn’t.
Did you see those hands? I saw them from down here. I think I have a hand kink. Is that a thing? Her vagina paused. It is now.
“You walked in like you own the place. The staff noticed people have been trying to sneak in the past few weeks.”
“There’s a polite way to ask to see my card.”
Rey. REY! Ask to see his c—
“I did ask politely, but you had your airpods in and didn't hear me.” He crossed his arms. “Poe is a good friend of mine, and I would hate to disappoint him on my first day. I’m sure you understand as you’re their first customer…Scavenger.”
Rey’s eyes lowered to his badge for reference, memorizing the name, Kylo Ren. She stepped around him, grabbing a clean towel from the stack and walking inside the locker room. As she changed, her vagina babbled on about him. She wasn’t listening, instead focused on getting to her training session at 7:30PM. Poe was a stickler for time. She was behind when she arrived and was now likely going to be late due to her run-in with the douchebag at the door. It was just her luck that her vagina wouldn’t stop talking about him. He is the one, I feel it in my vulva. And, He’s so perfect—visually at least. She rolled her eyes at her over the top statements as she looped the lanyard over her neck, her member ID hanging off it.
The daycare.
Centered in between the gym was the play area for young children, and if you cut through it, a quick shortcut. She trotted in to only find another new employee standing at the entrance, monitoring a few young kids playing with toys. The photo on his employee badge was him smiling and the nickname Snap below it was easy for her to see.
“I just need to cut through the day care. I have a training session with Poe and don’t want to be late.”
Snap ran his hands through his hair nervously. “I’m sorry, but Mr. Dameron said that state laws require that if you’re not an employee and aren’t a legal guardian, you can’t pass through the kids area. I guess an inspector came by earlier this week as some guy used it so he gave them a warning. If you have a kid here, I can allow it, but if not, I’ll have to ask you to go back and around. I’m sorry.”
Riding the high of aggression from earlier, Rey let him know how she felt.
She didn’t realize the children were listening until one of them asked, “Mr. Snap, what's an asshat?”
Embarrassed, she muttered an apology and ran out the door, sprinting through the gym and pool area, her lateness guaranteed.
Poe was standing at their usual spot, but instead of looking happy and ready to kick her ass, he seemed fairly stressed out. Rey didn’t think too much of it until she realized Asshole Number One was standing next to him. She wondered what he said about her.
“Rey! Thank God, you’re here. Don’t worry about being late, even though you are late. Listen, I need to introduce you to my friend—”
“Oh we’ve met. He was a dick to me at the door.”
“It’s nice to see you again, Karen.”
Rey gasped at the insult. He just called you out on your bullshit. You know what I think? You should have him hate fuck me or marry you. Don’t they both sound like great solutions?
Poe raised an eyebrow and flashed a mischievous grin. “I know, charming, isn’t he?” He looked up at his employee who was frowning next to him. “Wait, her name’s not Karen it's—” His jaw dropped. “Is there a reason why you just called her that?”
“I asked her to scan her membership card. She became...distraught.” Kylo’s eyes bored into hers.
“I was not distraught!”
“Would you prefer threw a tantrum? Perhaps had a meltdown? Any one of these phrases works for your behavior. I’m flexible.”
So are we, Kylo. So are we.
Poe put a hand up to stop them both. “I’m confused.”
“Scavenger walked in with her AirPods on and her face glued to her phone. She didn’t check in and tried to walk directly into the locker room. I think anyone would agree that it isn’t a bad thing that I requested to confirm that she’s a member of this gym.”
Poe looked at both of them, arms crossed. “Rey, I do need you to scan your card if someone asks.” He turned to Kylo. “She’s our first member of the gym, so she basically doesn’t have to get scanned—even though she should be checking in as it takes less than two seconds.” He sighed. “Can we get back to me here? FPG has a bigger fish to fry than this little argument. Those fascists from Chandrila County Weekly are here to review the gym. They were supposed to come in tomorrow, but their employee got the date mixed up and is here right now. Assuming you don’t murder each other, Kylo is going to train you today.”
Rey groaned at the absurdity of all this, but Rey’s vagina squealed in delight. She looked at Poe and crossed her arms in defiance, ready to debate having Kylo help her when he gave her a pleading look.
“You know these guys are assholes. This is a really big deal. If Bazine doesn’t like her training session, she’ll drag us. They destroyed Babu Frik’s record store when he refused to give Greedo a discount. Oh—” Poe patted Kylo on the shoulder. “—you just moved back a month ago, don’t you think it's time to start making new friends?”
“No,” he said flatly.
“Why doesn’t he help Bazine? I don’t understand—he’s just as good as you, isn’t he?”
“He’s not actually just as good as me, he’s better. But I can’t have him train her because they used to date in high school. She cheated on him and then made fun of his—”
“Ears. She made fun of my ears,” Kylo interrupted.
Rey pinched the bridge of her nose in frustration, knowing how important the gym was to her best friend and his boyfriend.
“Okay, I’ll work with him, just this once. Before you do the training session, give Bazine a tour of the facilities and make the volleyball court be the last spot. The sun should be setting by that point and will be perfect for a selfie.”
Poe grabbed her shoulders and kissed her forehead, leaving Rey them to fend for themselves.
Nice to meet you, Kylo. I’m Rey’s Vagina, but you can call me Rey. Just Rey.
As Rey warmed up, Kylo asked her basic questions to customize her workout. His methodology proved he was definitely different from Poe. He used a stopwatch to time her versus a cell phone, called her Scavenger, and barked out the last few seconds as he asked for one more rep. He definitely pushed her to the limits with the longest planks, sumo squats, and with a new exercise called the sotts press. It was the best workout she had gotten in months.
Rey’s vagina didn’t make it any easier. She spoke to Kylo the whole time as if he could hear her. She heard questions like, Where did you move back from? and How long have you known Poe for? We moved here 6 years ago to attend Chandrila U. We studied Mechanical Engineering. When he would praise her, she would giggle and thank him.
“Let’s go, Scavenger. Halfway done. Think you can finish this pistol squat? You can do this. Ten seconds. Breathe. Four, three, two, one. Good work.”
She collapsed on the mat, taking deep breaths.
Rey! her vagina whispered, as if someone could hear her. Are you taking a break? Good. We need to talk about Kylo. I want you to know that I like him—he’s not like anyone we’ve ever met. I’ve been speaking to him this whole time, and I’ve got a feeling. He’s special. See if you can get his number. Believe me, he won’t say no. Kylo stood over her, and Rey snapped back to reality.
“When you’re ready, the other leg, and we’re done.”
Once again, Rey was laying on the mat panting and sweating, workout complete. Her towel appeared overhead. She sat up and grabbed it as her water bottle was placed right next to her. Rey wiped her face and arms, but when she looked up to thank Kylo, he was already gone.
*
Rey’s weekend consisted of more chatting and swiping, but with four dates and none of the men in her local area working out, she considered widening the geographical net. Her vagina was having none of it.
You said it yourself, Rey, swipe dating is stupid. It's time you try something more organic, like fucking your new personal trainer. When we go back to the gym on Monday, ask Kylo for his number, and maybe ask if he's circum—
An incoming video call from Finn halted their conversation. “How was your Sunday, Peanut?”
Rey described her uneventful weekend and drifted to the awful dates she was subjected to, and Finn told her about the wild antics of his customers as he meal prepped for the week. She considered mentioning her drama with Kylo, but the workout was so good that she decided to let it be. That was when Finn asked her a question.
“How would you feel if I tried to set you up?”
Rey jumped out the Facetime screen the second her vagina piped up.
Is it Kylo? If it's not Kylo, say no Rey. I only want Kylo. I take that back, we only want Kylo. Denial is an ocean something something, and we both know you’re drowning in it! We watched 47 Ronin last night, and that’s a terrible movie. Remember why we watched it? Keanu, that’s why. You can lie to everyone else about what turns you on, but you can’t lie to me.
“Rey? You can say no.”
She tapped back into the video.
“Sorry, Finn. I got a work email. Do I know him?”
“You do.” She watched as he spread out the containers, focused on his work. “He’s one of the new employees at FPG. He said you’ve met. His name is Ben Solo. Nice guy. I think you two would be good together.”
“I don’t know any of their real names.”
“Oh, I only know them by their real names.” Finn thought for a moment as he portioned out the chicken, hands full. “Okay, go to our Instagram. Tap the third pic. He’s the guy with the dark hair, on the far right.”
Rey clicked on the picture, and she immediately recognized his face.
Snap.
Rey shut out her vagina’s shouts of The day care attendant?! No, I refuse, and Wait until your period shows up, you’ll see. And even more loudly, Don’t do this to us Rey. REY!
“He’s open to going on a date with me? I was rude to him.” Rey stared at the picture, and though her thoughts drifted to the unsmiling trainer on the far left, she realized that she needed to keep focus on the man that was interested in her, versus the man that wasn’t.
“Peanut, you’re gorgeous and men love a girl with a backbone.”
“Okay. I’ll go on a date with him—but only because you think we’d work.”
“Fantastic. Should I give you his phone number or give him yours?”
“No. Remember when Rose had to change hers after meeting that guy at karaoke? I want to get to know him first. Ask him where and when he wants to meet, and I’ll be there.”
“Will do. What are you up to tomorrow? Poe’s mom is visiting. She’s making empanadas for dinner.”
“You know how to tempt a girl. I’ve got tomorrow off, so I’m going to Takodana to visit Maz, I'll probably be too beat by the time I return.”
“If you change your mind, we’ll be here.”
After some blown kisses and waves, their phone call ended.
Twenty minutes later, she got a pin drop from Finn for an Italian restaurant called Louis’ Village, and a text that was clearly copied and pasted. She didn’t fantasize those words coming from Kylo, not at all.
Reservation is for Ben Solo on Friday night at 6PM. I look forward to our date, Scavenger.