Work Text:
Prompts:
Proud - Protective Brothers -’You’re Safe’
Damian felt..strange.
That was the only word for it. There was nothing obvious he could point to that was wrong. He wasn’t injured, he wasn’t annoyed, he just felt off . Like something wasn’t clicking right. It felt like only half of him had woken up this morning, and the other half was still laying in his bed. It had started right when he opened his eyes. He didn’t move from the soft folds of his comforter for a while instead he remained still, eyes staring at the wall to his right. Fixated on the smallest chip in the paint. The clock read 5:00am and though Damian’s brain was telling him to get up and start his day, he couldn’t. He wanted to move but it was like he was glued to his bed and no matter how much he told himself to get up his body refused to listen.
The clocked ticked by and with each passing second Damian felt more and more irritation. Annoyed with himself that he was just laying in bed, a luxury he never once indulged in. It wasn’t until nearly two hours later, when he heard Dick moving around down the hall, did Damian finally move. The man would be worried if he woke up and Damian was still in bed, and Damian didn’t think he could handle Grayson’s mothering at the moment. Not when he didn’t even know what was wrong.
Nothing was wrong .
Slowly Damian sat up, the movement felt heavy and almost instantly Damian let himself be sucked back onto the mattress. But he didn’t, instead he stood up and looked around his room, trying to remember what he had to do next.
School, I have to get ready for school .
He gave his head a shake as though to snap him out of whatever funk he was in. But it didn’t work. He still felt detached. Lethargically he made his way over to his dresser and pulled out his school uniform. Damian hated the clothes, hated the navy blue sweater and matching checkered tie, embroidered with the Gotham Academy crest. Hated the black trousers that because of another growth spurt only came to just above his ankles. He hated how constricted he felt in the clothes, there was no room to hide a weapon, no room to move within them. And though he had been wearing them every day for the last couple of years he still felt irritation every time he pulled them out in the morning.
Today however he couldn’t even muster the energy for that emotion. And so blankly he pulled the clothes on, the fabric sitting on his skin in a way that made Damian feel… itchy. Over Sensitive . His mind supplied. Almost immediately he wanted to pull it off and crawl back into bed, to not move and go through the motions of the day.
Richard wouldn’t mind, you have perfect attendance, surely he would allow you to miss one day.
While Damian knew that to be true he didn’t actually want to ask. For one, Richard would then know something was wrong and would ask Damian about it. Which was an issue because Damian didn’t know what was wrong . How could Damian articulate this strange void he had found himself in? Another part of Damian, a smaller part that sounded like his Mother, reminded him not to show any weakness. Damian could walk, Damian could breathe, Damian could move forward. Whatever was off was in his mind.
Mind made up he plucked his backpack up from next to his desk and moved to his doorway. Grabbing the handle he paused for a moment a wave of anxiety crashing through him. His room was safe, in his room he was alone. And though he knew only Richard was in the Penthouse with him, the man most likely fixing himself coffee, for some reason the thought of interacting with anyone made Damian’s stomach clench.
You’re being ridiculous .
Stealing himself he turned the doorknob and walked out of the room before he could change his mind. As he suspected Richard stood in the kitchen, back turned to Damian, humming softly under his breath as he waited for the coffee pot to brew. The sight was a familiar one, and Damian felt himself relax a fraction because he knew what to expect.
At fifteen, Damian had been living full time with Grayson for nearly 3 years and at this point the two knew how to co-exist with one another. On a normal day Damian would wake up at five and go out onto the balcony to meditate for 30 minutes. Then he would come in, pour himself a cup of tea and read a chapter of whatever book he was reading that day. Once done he would dress himself for school and at that time Richard woke up. The man would come out and start his coffee, Damian would join him for breakfast, and then Damian would leave for school and Dick would get ready for work. And Damian would make a small detour to pick up Colin so that the two could walk to the Academy the rest of the way together.
That was the routine, that was what happened on a normal day.
Today wasn’t a normal day. And the thought of trying to eat anything seemed like a monumental task for some reason. Before Damian could slip out of the apartment unnoticed Grayson turned around. He smiled when he saw Damian, but Damian saw it drop just a fraction when he took in his face. As though Grayson could see that something was amiss. Pushing a bowl of cereal over to Damian Grayson leaned on the counter, trying to appear nonchalant.
“How was your morning Damian?” Oh he definitely knows somethings wrong . Richard’s usually greeting was a vibrant and annoyingly enthusiastic “Morning Dami! Sleep well?’. With a shrug Damian sat down and pulled the bowel over to him, his stomach churning slightly at the sight of the food. “Everything good?” Richard asked, worried about Damian but not wanting to push him.
Everything is not good. I’m tired and I’m blank and I know I’m supposed to speak but the thought of talking seems exhausting. And I don’t know what's wrong because my brain feels hazy, and I can’t focus on what I’m supposed to do. And I just want to be in bed because the world seems too big right now.
“I am fine.” The words came out of Damians mouth but he didn’t absorb them, didn’t connect that they had indeed come from him . Damian heard them spoken but once said they were immediately forgotten. And for a moment he wondered if he had actually responded to Grayson. He felt the man come around the corner and move his hair away out of the way to place a hand on Damians forehead. The touch felt electric but not in a bad way, and Damian leaned into it. Longing for Grayson to announce he had a fever, anything that would explain what he was feeling.
“You don’t seem fine kid. No fever. Want to tell me what's wrong?” Damian opened his mouth to speak but nothing came out. Grayson looked at him, waiting, his face open with concern and Damian felt frustrated. What’s the matter with me? His chest tightened and he shut his mouth. The two just looked at one another and something shifted in Richard’s face, with a nod he pulled out his phone and tapped on it, pulling it up to his ear when it started ringing. Damian watched him confused waiting to see what he was doing. When the person on the other end answered Dick turned around to speak.
“Hi this is Richard Grayson I’m calling to let you know that Damian Wayne won’t be coming in today.” Pause. “He’s just feeling a bit under the weather.” Another pause. “Great thank you so much.” Richard turned back to Damian, and Damian felt himself frown.
“I am not sick.” Richard walked back over to him and sat down, reaching a hand out to smooth out Damian's hair.
“You don’t need to be sick to be under the weather Dami.” That didn’t make much sense to Damian, but he nodded anyway. “Why don’t you go change back into pajamas. What do you say, want to have a snow day? Put on some old movies and veg out on the couch?” Damian knew he should suck up whatever the issue was, knew he should tell Grayson to go to work, knew he should go to school. But the thought of spending the day laying on the couch next to Grayson sounded much better than having to face the world. With a nod Damian stood and walked back to his room.
He pulled off his sweater immediately, the itching feeling dissipating after it’s removal. Opening up his dresser once more he ran his hands over his night shirts, stopping when a particularly soft fabric caught his attention. Pulling it out he saw it was an old Bludhaven PD T-shirt he had stolen from Grayson a couple years ago. Despite his growth spurt it still was large enough on him to not feel constricting. Pulling it on, he picked up the flannel pants he had been sleeping in and threw them on as well. For a moment he considered just climbing into bed again, just zoning out while the world was happening around him. But childishly Damian was afraid that if he did that he wouldn’t ever have the energy to get back up again. And so instead he went back into the hall. Pausing as he heard Dick speaking on the phone once more, this time calling off from his own job. He waited for a moment for the man to finish his conversation before moving back into the main living area.
Richard was standing near the TV stand, two DVD’s in hand. Damian had told him it was ridiculous to keep buying physical movies now that everything was online. But Grayson had insisted that using DVD’s enhanced the viewing experience. The man turned when Damian entered and lifted the cases.
“What are we thinking? Chitty Chitty Bang Bang or Hook?” Had it been a couple years ago Damian would have scoffed and declared both movies idiotic and not worth his time. Now however, having gone through several colds and an awful case of chickenpox, Damian had a favorite.
“Hook.” Richard grinned, no doubt having expected the answer and put it into the DVD player. Once the movie was in, Grayson turned back to Damian and took him by the shoulder, leading him gently to the couch. Richard sat down and pat the spot next to him and quickly Damian curled up beside him. His body was no longer that of a child, his limbs were gangly and it was harder to squeeze himself into a ball. But he did so after some configuring, using Richards leg as a pillow. Once settled he felt a blanket drape over him, and almost immediately he felt safer.
The haziness did not disappear, he still felt disconnected, and the world still felt overwhelming. And his body still ached as though any moment he would cry. And Damian still didn’t understand why he felt this way. Nothing bad had happened recently, nothing had upset him. He hadn’t been exposed to any toxins, he didn’t understand what was different. And he was frustrated by that. But being safely tucked beside Richard with the soft weight of the blanket on top of him helped ease that frustration. The fact that Richard had trusted that something was wrong even if Damian couldn’t say what it was made him feel cared for. It was a feeling he felt often the last couple years, and still it never ceased to surprise Damian. The fact that he had someone to look after him, to love him, it was a stark contrast to his time before Gotham. And Damian had to wonder what he did to deserve Grayson.
You don’t deserve him. - I know.
The two sat in silence, watching the movie. The plot and words didn’t sink into Damians mind, but he knew the film well enough that it didn’t matter. Whenever his mind was able to focus on a scene he allowed himself to be distracted by the childlike wonder the film exuded. His mind couldn’t stay still for long though, and though he wasn’t thinking about anything in particular his brain felt heavy. Richards hand slowly ran through his hair, the movement was repetitive and soothing. Whenever another round of anxiety flitted in Damians chest, and his body tensed, Richard would move his hand to his shoulder, messaging it until Damian relaxed.
It wasn’t until the film ended that the man finally spoke.
“Think you can tell me what's going on kid?” This time the question didn’t cause Damian to panic, but he still didn’t have an answer.
“I don’t know.” Dick hummed, his hand still working its way through Damian’s hair.
“Okay. How about how you’re feeling?” Damian thought about that for a moment, that he could answer but he was afraid of what Richard’s response would be. The man had spent the last couple of years instilling in Damian that he could talk to him, that Damian was allowed to express his emotions and didn't have to keep everything to himself. That didn’t mean that it was easy for Damian to do so.
“...Detached.”
“You feel detached?” Damian nodded.
“Like.. like I’m not watching or feeling my life through my eyes, it’s like everything is being channeled through something. Like I’m watching T.V. underwater. And I’m doing what's on screen, but I’m not feeling it.” Dick was quiet for a while before he responded.
“A few times when you’ve zoned out today you’ve tensed up, what are you feeling when that happens?” The relief Damian felt when Richard didn’t dismiss what he said was visceral. And now that he knew Richard believed him he felt they need to tell him everything, to figure out what was the matter.
“It was too much.”
“What was too much kiddo?”
“ Everything .” Damian’s voice choked up a little when he said the word, and he buried his head deeper into Richard’s leg. “I couldn’t get up this morning, I just kept looking at the wall and I knew I had to get up but I couldn’t. And my body felt weird when I put on my uniform, and I thought of having to go outside and see people and be surrounded by them and I couldn’t focus my brain, and I couldn’t- I couldn’t-” Damian felt the tightness returning and he couldn’t seem to breathe anymore.
“Hey, hey, hey, deep breaths k? Take a moment. Take a breath.” Richard's voice was steady and Damian focused on it, following his instructions. When he got his breath under him he spoke again.
“I couldn’t do anything. I’m too tired to do anything and I don’t know why. It’s like something is wrong even though I know nothing is wrong…. What’s wrong with me ?” Damian whispered. Richards hand stilled for a moment, and Damian wondered if he had misspoke.
“Oh kiddo.” Richard’s voice was soft and sad, and full of understanding. “Nothings wrong with you… I get that way sometimes too.”
“You do?”
“Yeah.” Richards' voice was still soft, but his hand started petting Damian's hair again. “You haven’t had an easy life kid. Sometimes that leaves a toll on us. Sometimes things get too big to handle.”
“But nothing happened.” Damian insisted. “Things are good, last night I was fine. I don’t-”
“Things are good.” Dick agreed. “But that means your brain finally has the time to process everything you’ve been through. It’s like when you get hurt during a fight. Adrenaline makes it so you don’t notice the wound, but once things settle down and the threat is gone you finally feel the pain.”
“So how do I fix this?” Damian needed to know, needed to know that this wasn’t forever. “How do you fix this?”
“It helps to know that what you’re feeling isn’t permanent, that it will pass…. Sometimes it’s good to talk to someone.”
“I’m talking to you.” Dick let out a quiet chuckle.
“I meant a specialist. Though I’m happy to listen whenever you need me to.” Finally Damian asked the question he had been dreading since the start of the conversation.
“What if this never goes away? Or what if it goes away and comes back?” Richard thought for a moment.
“Then we’ll get through it together Dami. But in my experience, you’ll have both good days and bad days. You just gotta tell me when you’re having a bad day and I’ll help you get through it. Okay?” Damian nodded, snuggling deeper into Richard’s side.
“So how do I get through this?” He felt Richard tap his side, and begrudgingly Damian rolled over, his gaze meeting Richards. The man was smiling down at him, but Damian could see in his eyes he was sad.
“You get through this by remembering that you’re safe, and I’ve got you. You get through this by fighting against the urge to isolate and spiral. You get through this because you don’t have another option, and that sucks, but it’s the truth.” Damian frowned remembering what Richard had said earlier.
“You said that you feel this way sometimes, how do you get through it?” Richard shrugged, a look of fondness crossing his face.
“I get through it by remembering I’ve got you.”