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Hyunjin recalls, when the clock struck half past two in the morning, and the only source of light at that moment was from the phone he's balancing on his right hand (the other one too busy covering his whole being with a blanket), watching a random YouTube video he found in his recommendations, We must be the only living things that desire truth even though the truth almost always reveal itself to go against what we desire — and Hyunjin doesn't remember if he felt more amused rather than sad or if it was the other way around.
He remembers, however, sleeping through all his five consecutive, not to mention annoying, alarms every ten minutes, most likely waking even the members from the other room. His slumber's put to a stop though, as Seungmin shakes him to consciousness, set on making him fully awake before leaving their shared room.
A series of "we're going to be late," "we talked about this last night," and "you stayed up until three again didn't you?" from the latter went in Hyunjin's right ear out of his left one as he remained undeterred, much to the other's dismay.
He does, however, stir awake after a few seconds or so, when guilt starts to eat him up and he realizes he's taking up most of Seungmin's time to prepare himself. Just as soon as he flutters his left eye instinctively followed by the other, he's met with furrowed eyebrows, knitted forehead, and flaring nostrils (probably his eyes doing tricks but it could be possible given the situation), but Hyunjin doesn't pay much attention to that because — the sunrise beams from the windowsill were perfectly angled to his raven locks, making illusions of brown highlights, travelling down to his chubby cheeks, golden streaks drawing patterns — and Hyunjin longs to reach out, craves to touch, but he doesn't — because he knows he can't, and he knows he shouldn't.
So instead he pushes Seungmin's face out of his view rather harshly and yawns, "Seungminnie you make my eyes sore early in the morning," mumbles half-heartedly.
"And you make my head ache almost every morning so suck it up I guess."
The other's gaze lingers longer than what Hyunjin counts as six seconds then shifted it on the Bugs Bunny slippers under the bunk bed beside theirs, "Minho hyung's using the shower right now, you take too long to get ready so you should take my spot, which is after Jisung."
Sunshine peeks through the silk curtain, Hyunjin had to squint.
"When is Jisung's turn?"
"Third to the last."
A snort was heard and a pillow was thrown to what seems like Seungmin's direction, or so Hyunjin estimates, "What a way to make a difference, one hundred percent sure you'd save the world someday," the latter deadpans.
"Well my turn to use the shower would have not been last if it were not for a certain someone sleeping through all his alarms, oh and I vaguely remember him saying he'll wake on his own last night, even repeating it like a mantra," Seungmin replies mockingly, looking intensely at Hyunjin's direction, which the other cannot return for inexplicable reasons.
To Hyunjin, staring right through Seungmin's eyes is like falling for a trap he's been warned of in the first place, giving in to the possibility of displaying vulnerability; it's like watching the whole universe through a telescope, making him want to discover all the secrets it holds.
So instead he speaks:
"Don't you get it? It's the universe already telling you Minnie."
"Telling me what?"
From Hyunjin's perspective, he sees Seungmin heaving a sigh, head tilting, lips turning into a confused frown. Hyunjin fights the urge to touch.
"No matter my efforts you're still bound to wake me up-"
"What efforts-"
"-You and I, Kim Seungmin, we're inevitable."
And Hyunjin likes to think of it as that.
Hyunjin likes to think of Seungmin and him as parallel lines: they're a pair, always together as they reach the same destination. They met in one of the training rooms of the JYP Building each with first impressions of one another as somewhat close to stereotypes of however they dress or whatever they look.
Hyunjin decides he does not give much importance to first impressions: they're judgments solely based on looks and personal instincts, and are supposed to not be shared because words are powerful — either they influence or they stab — and Hyunjin has lived long enough to have experienced both.
So: He and Seungmin are parallel lines, because even though they're always and will always be together, they're not bound to intersect. In the end they're just two separate individuals sharing the same dreams, tied together along with six other people, so they'd feel less lonely, somehow.
Hyunjin once voices it out to Seungmin on one random night as they walk their way to the dorms, their managers were kind enough to give the members the night off because they worked hard that day, but the two tallest of the eight stayed back, practiced for another hour or two. He remembers Seungmin laughing at him, more amused than mocking, and speaks, "Never knew you're into metaphors, math metaphors even."
"It's basic math, Seungmin, I'm pretty sure you learned this too."
"Yeah but the point still stands."
"You're insufferable."
"You don't say."
And for the first time that night, Hyunjin cracks a smile, perhaps because of the warm feeling currently swirling in his stomach, but more because of the warm presence walking beside him, kicking pebbles on the asphalt, under the now invisible moon covered with thick clouds, rain could possibly pour any second now and both of them should be worried neither brought an umbrella with, but all Hyunjin could think of was yeah, like parallel lines.
To say Seungmin is frightening when he nags everyone to clean is an understatement. Most especially because it's not everyone's fault someone left the orange peel on the dining table or whatsoever. Just the thought of it scares and annoys Hyunjin at the same time so he decides he'd be useful for once and help. Sometimes Hyunjin takes it upon himself to clean the shower room and dispose all the hair pins (Jisung's) he could locate. Seungmin has a thing for keeping things in order and most of the time the dorm's current sanitation affects his mood for the day. Hyunjin does not tell anyone he's been cleaning, and it's not like anyone would believe him especially when he bags second place as the messiest member (with Jisung as first, of course), so Seungmin simply assumes it was Chan or a miracle happened and Jisung decided to be neat for once.
All efforts are not put to waste though, as Hyunjin watches Seungmin meddle with mostly Changbin and Jeongin's business for attention, indicating that he is indeed in a very good mood.
Later that day however, as he lies awake on his own bed, aware of the presence also lying above his bunk, Hyunjin thinks, if he's being a hundred percent honest right now, that he still bothers to clean, even at days he isn't supposed to, is because seeing a certain someone all smiley and giggly the whole day brings a warm and contented feeling blooming in his chest, soon will want to be let out, want to be set free.a
And Hyunjin realizes maybe he's falling, the kind of falling he's too afraid to admit even to himself...
So instead he falls asleep.
Hyunjin would never say it out loud but Seungmin is someone he most certainly could not live without. It's funny, he thinks, because he's lived more than half his life not knowing Seungmin, and the sudden thought of un-knowing, of not being aware of the latter's existence, scares Hyunjin more than eggplants did.
"They're not that bad, the eggplants I mean," Seungmin once tells him just as Hyunjin makes a face when the former teases him of an eggplant cake for his birthday.
"Not that bad, they say," Hyunjin mocks, frowning even more.
"You're so picky, this is why I'm never getting you a birthday gift ever again," His friend may or may not mean it, but either way a part of himself stings, reminding Hyunjin of the previous year, of the day he wants to go back to, of the words he wants to take back, but couldn't.
Seungmin sticks to his words though, as Hyunjin receives not a single thing from him during his day, but rather a sincere greeting and a tight hug instead, which Hyunjin gladly accepts, given that Seungmin is not a fan of initiating skinship.
Months later, however, Hyunjin receives a necklace from the other, when he saw Seungmin wearing it and looks too pretty on him for the taller to not acknowledge.
"Wow, where did you buy your necklace? It looks so pretty," Hyunjin says as he stares in awe, admiring the cute flower pendant.
"I know right? I saw it online and decided to buy it, it's a set actually, Jisung had the earrings-" Seungmin answers but realizes Hyunjin's too distracted to pay attention, "You can have it if you want," he says instead, and finally the other looks up.
"Are you serious, Seungmin?"
"Definitely, so take it before I change my mind."
And Hyunjin has never been so happy he complies almost immediately and takes the necklace off of Seungmin. He stares at it for a good ten seconds before looking directly at the latter's deep dark orbs (the universe be damned) with the brightest smile he could muster, "Thank you Seungminnie. I love you so much, you're the best."
Hyunjin means it. Maybe more than he intends to.
It only has been a few days before Hyunjin then notices Seungmin wearing yet another necklace, new at first glance yet brings him an odd sense of familiarity as his stare lingers longer, "I gave that to you two years ago, I thought you threw that away," he tells him once he gets the chance to. The way Seungmin looks up at Hyunjin was weird and, well, funny, the latter would have laughed if it were another situation, "Why would I do that?" He asks, more out of curiosity than disbelief.
Hyunjin shrugs, not really knowing what to say, "Assumption," then decides to leave and go bother Jisung instead but before doing so he hears a mumble, perhaps intented to be unheard, but at the same time hoping not to be.
"I treasure everything you give me."
And Hyunjin is not fine, because his heart is doing somersaults and his chest feels like it's about to explode and his mouth wants to scream help I'm in love and right there, even just from himself, Hyunjin doesn't run away. He decides he doesn't want to anymore.
Hyunjin makes a promise — he'll get over it, he'll keep all his feelings hidden and tucked in the deepest part of his brain nobody else but him would be aware of. He'll proceed living his life the way he did years ago, when there are no complications, when there are no feelings beyond his control. He thinks he'll do an excellent job in his, say, strategy in moving on...
But it's hard when all he sees when he wakes in the morning and all he thinks of before he sleeps in the night is Kim Seungmin — along with the worsening drumming in his chest as the days pass and the stronger urge to throw his arms on the younger, confessing then and there — as if his mouth has its brain of its own, wanting to release words as stupid as I'm in love with you, always have been, always will be.
It doesn't help that Hyunjin confides mainly to Seungmin when it comes to his personal issues, in between the hours of self-deprecation and self-doubt, Kim Seungmin just has a way that makes words feel like magic, "You're a beautiful person, Hyunjin. And no, it's not just because of how you look on the outside. The fans? The people watching you? They look past that fact that you're perfectly sculpted by the gods above, they look past the visual, because what matters more is your talent that you clearly possess, and the fact that you worked hard to be where you are right now. That's what matters."
And Hyunjin's not the type to lose focus easily, but it's hard given that he's aware of his newfound feelings, and given that he's holding Seungmin's hand at the same time drowning in Seungmin's eyes and all he wants to do is kiss the latter's ridiculously attractive face. But he does not. Even when he wants to.
Hyunjin badly wants to, he holds tighter and chokes a sob.
We are masochists in denial.
There are times Hyunjin and Seungmin's friendship drifts apart, when they're both a tad bit closer with other members but each other. And Hyunjin is fine — Hyunjin tries his best to act fine — even when he always sees Seungmin's smiles directed at the maknae, even when Seungmin often prefers being by Felix's side, even when Seungmin and Changbin share a special intimate bond Hyunjin will always be envious of.
The thing about Seungmin, is that even when Hyunjin claims him as his own emotional comforter, he is basically everyone's emotional comforter (excluding, Chan, maybe), and he badly, desperately even, wants himself to also be there for the other, for Seungmin to open up to him and start telling him things so it wouldn't feel so one-sided, so unrequited, but it's hard when he witnesses when the other members are already there to fill in the role Hyunjin wants to have.
Seldom days, however, Seungmin would join him for a late night jog, or stop at the convenience store, and either they let the comfortable silence engulf the whole session or Seungmin would talk to Hyunjin about his dreams and how he wants his future to turn out which will naturally lead the conversation to Seungmin's fears and his insecurities he was too scared or too insecure to say out loud.
And Hyunjin listens, it's the least he could do. It's all he could do.
"-And Jisung gave me a Wonpil photocard, not to mention MY Wonpil photocard but he said he found it in his closet, I mean, what's it doing in there-"
"-Seungmin, your ice cream's about to melt-"
"-And so am I! I've been looking for that photocard for months and Jisung had the audacity to give it to me as a birthday present, I mean-"
Hyunjin practically shoves the almost-liquid mint chocolate ice cream on Seungmin's mouth just to shut the latter up, "There, there, Jisung made the baby a whining mess again, oh you poor thing."
"I am not whining, I'm just complaining, next time tell your best friend he owes me a birthday present," Seungmin spats out, almost glaring at Hyunjin.
"Why would you owe yourself a birthday present?" Hyunjin said it in a way that it felt so natural calling Seungmin his best friend, making the latter a bit taken aback for a good second, only to return to his usual calm and collected self.
"Funny, because Jisung is your best friend."
"Yeah? But you're like — a best friend but more. What's the term? Soulmates, yeah that. We're soulmates."
"Do you just walk to every person you come across to and call them your soulmate?"
"If every person is you, then very well, yes I do."
And Seungmin laughs making his eyes turn to crescents, Hyunjin's heart aches.
"Do you think the parallel universe us have crossed paths already?"
"I think so, if not, then they will someday."
"How are you so sure, Hyunjin?"
"I said it once I'll say it again. We're soulmates, Seungminnie, we're inevitable."
It's one of those rare days he finds Seungmin without company, elbows leaning on the balcony's railings, back facing Hyunjin. The sun will almost be gone any second, the last of its golden rays shining directly on the raven haired male, as if it was especially his to absorb.
"You're the only one here, where are Chan hyung and Yongbok?" He breaks the silence then joins Seungmin outside. The latter turns his head to face him and Hyunjin's breath gets caught up in his throat, brain malfunctioning for a mere three seconds: too close, too close.
"They went out to refill food for the fridge, or fridges, whatever," his voice is too loud because he's too close and Hyunjin's quite sure it could rival the obnoxious hammering sound in his chest, "This is actually perfect, because I really, really want to tell you something," Seungmin adds.
Breath hitching, Hyunjin could only do nothing much but drown in the other's deep dark orbs, the only source of light at the moment since the sun's long gone and the lights are yet to be switched on.
"Yeah?" He manages to breathe out.
Then he waits. And waits more.
But instead of hearing words, Hyunjin feels a soft yet firm press against his plump lips, too unreal to be ever thought of as real, too perfect that it doesn't make sense.
Seungmin's kissing him, sober, like he's in love with him or something. And it's confusing and ecstatic that Hyunjin doesn't complain.
But Hyunjin's in too deep with his feelings to see what's wrong, and maybe blame the euphoric state he's in, or the uneasy feeling burning in his chest— that he manages to wake up at the fifth alarm.