Chapter Text
Bobby slammed his fist on the table, eyes blazing with an anger that was rolling off of him in waves. Gigantic fury and disappointment that came to destroy the façade Buck had carefully schooled his features into. The shock of the sound reverberated in his ears, and continued to ring for a few seconds after.
On any other day, Buck wouldn’t have reacted. He would have been able to take it, without showing any trace on his face that this gesture held a particular meaning to his twisted mind, that his brain would always associate it with failure, disappointment, and not enough.
He really would have let it go, not even wincing at the sound the hand made on the wooden piece of furniture, the clang that echoed throughout the entire loft area. He could see the knuckles of the older man turning white, because his hand was balled into a fist.
But today wasn’t any other day. Today, Buck had spent every second trying to remember how to breathe, how to exist.
But today wasn’t like any other day. So, Buck flinched.
It was an instinctive reaction. Not something he could have controlled, or held back. A knee-jerk move, a primal urge that was part of him, that came out of him, out of control, out of reason.
He knew Bobby. Bobby who showered him with praises, and nice smiles. Good talks, pep talks, encouragements. Who gave him nothing but support. Bobby was only shouting because he cared. He cared so much, and Buck couldn’t even do right by him.
The captain Bobby Nash always gave everything for him, trying to understand him, defending him, and protecting him, even in some cases when he was a danger to himself and to the people around him.
And Buck kept screwing up. Over and over again, like a broken pattern he could not get out of. Always disobeying and disappointing. Taking risks where he shouldn’t. Choosing courses of action that were the wrong ones. Making things worse when they were already bad.
And at this moment, he could only hear that one deafening noise, and the clang against the wooden table.
Today, Bobby was wearing a suit. A nice, probably kind of expensive suit. He had a date with Athena later that night, and he was soon leaving for it, and he had been getting ready inside his office. That’s why that day in particular, Bobby was wearing cologne, when that wasn’t usually the case. He had just put in on, probably the lotion or his wrists, or his neck, or even both, and the scent was very strong, and thick in the air.
That was the same his dad used to wear when they would go to these formal events, just like he did for Buck’s middle school end of the year celebration. It made him want to gag.
And when they would come back, he would always have something to say, about his posture, or how his smile hadn’t been bright enough for the picture. He also wanted to greet parents he knew, and that worked with him, but he would then criticize Buck for not being polite enough with the adults that tried to engage a conversation with him.
And sometimes, sometimes when Buck would try to protest, and said that he just wanted to go out and play, just like the other kids, he would slam his fist against the table inside his office, just like Bobby did, and Buck’s eyes would fill with tears as his dad told him to “do better” and “go to your room” in a voice that was so cold it sent shivers down his spine.
Today was also the day they had just come out of a house where the neighbors had called 911 because they had heard shouting. Turns a 10-years old child had locked himself into the study room, because he had broken his violin and didn’t want his father to find out. Of course, had already knew and was trying to convince him to open the door while shouting at him for breaking the instrument.
When he heard the words the father had used, directed at his own son, the things he said in anger, and kept repeating he shouldn’t have trusted him with the things that had belonged to his grandfather. There wasn’t anything extremely bad or insulting about he said, but Buck had been thrown back in a room with his own father, where things had really been bad, and he saw red.
Unable to control himself, he shoved the father against the wall, and would have punched him in the face if Bobby hadn’t stepped in, forcing him back.
That’s what they had been discussing about, and when Buck had defended his point of view, saying the father must have been terrible to make his own child feel like this, Bobby had lost it, saying that he could just not go and grab the people whose behaviors didn’t feel ideal to him
Bobby, who was not moving anymore, his head cocked to the side, eyeing him with a look that was scrutinizing, looking for a way to understand what was happening. Because he knew exactly that wasn’t how Buck usually reacted. The younger man was all for screaming matches, defending his point of view with all fierceness, and now, he didn’t do anything.
The man knew him very well, immediately sensed something wasn’t right, and raised his hands, showing he meant no harm. A conflicted look appeared on his face, his brows furrowed, like he couldn’t decide between puzzled or worried. He slowly raised himself out of his chair, clearly intending to walk towards him to check him over for injuries or something. He felt his look trail over his face, looking for a bruise, for something that could explain what was happening.
Buck really didn’t want him closer. It was too much all at once, he needed just a bit more time to calm himself down. Anxiety was swallowing him whole, he could feel his heart beating way to quickly, like it would soon break out his chest and leave him to die on the floor.
He took a step back, tripped, and crashed right into Eddie.
Eddie who had just come out of the locker room, freshly showered and had put on civil clothes. His shift ended half an hour ago, and he was preparing himself to go home. He had been with the rest of them on that last shift.
Immediately, when they collided, his friend’s arms came to wrap around his upper body, to secure him into place, an instinct in making sure he wouldn’t fall. That was for the better, because his legs weren’t very stable now. He couldn’t trust them to keep him upright, and the hand Eddie put on his chest held a reassuring weight, something that sounded like “I am there”.
“Everything okay, here?” Eddie asked with a strong voice. Strangely, it was almost a bit threatening, like he didn’t know exactly what was happening, but was ready to jump in to defend Buck it was needed
But Buck couldn’t take his eyes off Bobby, flickering from his hand, stilled balled into a fist, to the look on his face. He didn’t really understand what he was seeing. It was so confusing; the way different faces were melting into one another. Bobby’s disappointed one, then that child’s dad angry expression, and the disgusted looks his own father used to throw at him, after a long monologue of crushing sentences where he took his time detailing exactly how not enough his son was. He would always be very inventive, asking him to come up in his office, and made him sit there, on that little chair, while he listed all the reasons it wasn’t enough, and all the things he had to change.
“Buck?” Eddie asked again, his tone strangely blurry, like he was hearing it while under water.
The words slipped out of his mouth, just like that. They had been hard-wired into his brain a long time ago, craved on his tongue. The one habit he couldn’t shake, would never get rid of. not even after all this damn years, it was still there.
“I’m sorry. I’ll do better, I promise”.
He could feel Eddie tense up behind him, his muscles flexing around his own forearm, that the older man was still gently holding against him. Suddenly he was glad Eddie was here, with his comforting touch, and his steadying hold, because his legs felt shaky, fragile, and he didn’t trust himself to stay upright when he could sense the tremors all over his body.
Bobby looked at him with a devastated way, eyes sad and apologizing. He looked so sorry, and his look was shining like he was blinking back tears. Why was he sad ? Buck didn’t to make him sad. Never. Never. Because if he was sad, then he would turn mad.
The air wasn’t enough, suddenly. He felt the atmosphere thicken around him. He had done it again, disappointed Bobby, who expected better of him. Who had warned him that he needed to be careful with that kind of behaviour. He should have known better than open his mouth.
The next seconds, hands were cupping his cheeks, warm hands that were so soft and so delicate Buck never wanted them to leave him. But they did, falling from his face to rest on his shoulders, pushing gently onto him, directing him to toward the floor.
“Do you need to sit down?” Concern was etched all over Eddie’s face, eyes wide staring at him, burning holes at the sides of his head. Checking for injuries, for bleedings, for anything that would justify that.
“No”, he said vehemently. “There’s nothing, I just… I just got dizzy, that’s all”.
“What’s going on? What happened?”
“I think it’s an anxiety attack. He thought… He thought I was going to hit him.”
“Buck, look at me. It’s alright. You’re alright.”
The younger man frowned. There was an edge of worry in that voice. Why was Eddie panicking? There was no need to panic. Everything was absolutely fine.
“I know Eddie. What’s going on?” Buck spoke, but then he coughed, like his throat was on fire, like flames had burned their way through it, trying to reach his insides and turning into a gigantic forest fire.
“Buck, you have to breathe”.
Brown eyes were staring down at him, concern still overwhelmingly present in the features of Eddie’s face. Buck try to anchor himself to him, to the feeling of his hands around him, his chest rising and falling.
“Do you feel that? That’s my breathing, I want you to copy that slowly, okay? Everything is fine, you’re alright. You just have to breathe.” Eddie was talking slowly, articulating and words so soft, like when he was talking to Christopher.
Minutes later, the feeling of dread and imminent dead that came over him receded. The captain of the 118 still hadn’t moved from his position a few feet away, like he didn’t dare come closer.
“Buck? I don’t really understand what just happened. I just want you to know, that no matter what you could possibly say, or do, I would never…” Bobby stopped himself, struggling to find the right words, while at the same time, not being very sure he wanted to actually say it out loud. Buck surely didn’t want to hear it.
“It’s nothing” he interrupted quickly, not giving the older man a chance to finish. “It’s fine. I’m okay, I just got dizzy. Maybe I didn’t sleep enough or something like that. And the noise the table made, it was very loud, so that probably explains that. I get a bit sensitive around loud noises when I’m like that. It will pass, I promise”
All along while he lost himself in explanations that didn’t make any sense, he could feel the weight of Eddie’s gaze, never fading away. The other man was staring at him, frowning and obviously, he didn’t believe a word of what he was saying. But fortunately, he didn’t disagree with him, only nodded slowly. Then he turned to face Bobby, a hard look on his face.
“You know what, I think I have a shift or two left to catch up with. I had last weekend off, and didn’t cover for that. Would you mind making so that I have it today, Bobby? I think I am going to stay a bit more. You don’t mind, Bobby, do you?” The last words were thrown in like they were a challenge.
Bobby immediately nodded, keeping his eyes on Buck.
“But you just finished your shift” his best friend tried to protest. “Why would you want to stay here?”
“Chris is starting school in half an hour, I won’t be able to see him anyway. Plus, I still have some time to catch up because of last weekend, I was off Saturday and Sunday all day long”.
Buck wasn’t stupid. He was perfectly aware that the only reason Eddie asked to switch his schedule was to keep an eye on him. He didn’t really have to. Buck was fine, completely fine, but the presence of his friend, right beside him was comforting in a way that only a few things were. And even it felt a bit selfish and would have never admitted it, he was really glad that Eddie was staying.
(During that extra shift, Eddie stayed closer to Buck then he would have usually. His eyes never left him for too long, and for every ride they had, he made sure that they were sitting next to each other.)