Chapter Text
One step.
Another one.
“Fuck,” Megumi muttered under his breath. He was going to pass out soon. How long had he been running for? An hour? He looked at the watch on his wrist. An hour and a half. Eleven kilometers. Why the hell was he so slow? He should be able to run at least fourteen kilometers in the same time. Well, it’s not like it mattered anyways, he had come outside to forget his thoughts. He didn’t want to think, he just wanted his mind to be empty.
He didn’t want to feel anything.
So here he was, on the brink of passing out. Not that he really cared, he’d just prefer to not wake up in the middle of some random sidewalk. He decided to take a break and sit on a nearby bench. It took quite some walking to reach it, a few minutes or so. When he could finally sit and rest, all the thoughts came running back. Where would he even go after this? He couldn’t go back to his apartment. His roommate and best friend Yuuji had come home with some girl. Did he mention he was absolutely, undeniably in love with Yuuji? Well, there you go, big secret’s out. He had been so surprised by the scene in front of him that he had just grabbed his jacket and ran out. Lucky for him, he’d just come back from gym with Nobara, so he didn’t have to run in his casual clothes.
Megumi could still remember how it felt. He had been quite excited to see Yuuji, the guy hadn’t been home for a couple of days, because he had been visiting his grandfather. And they were supposed to go to the movies today, just the two of them. The raven haired boy had even thought about confessing tonight. But of course, nothing ever really goes his way.
Yuuji had stumbled inside their shared apartment with an apologetic smile, scratching the back of his head awkwardly while a girl took a few steps into their shared safe place, ruining the assuring feeling of the building for Megumi. “Sooo, we can’t go to the movies tonight aaaand can you like uh leave for the night, pretty please Megumi?” was the first thing he said to Megumi in days. No calls. No texts. And now this? Cool. Great. Fucking amazing.
He had gotten all excited for nothing. This hurt a lot. his throat felt like it was on fire. He wanted to claw at it to find some release from the pain. The pressure on his chest didn’t help either, he couldn’t breathe. Had he really thought he stood a chance? Why had he even gotten his hopes up? His own father hadn’t even loved him, so why would anyone else. He was just that unlovable. He wasn’t anyone special, he was painfully average, painfully mediocre. He didn’t belong beside Itadori Yuuji, who was loved by everyone. He couldn’t keep all of this inside himself. It was all just too sudden. So weird. He knew Yuuji had realized this too, guessing the attempt he made at concealing his shattered expression hadn’t exactly gone well.
He forced out the first affirmative words he could remember. “Sure thing,” his voice sounded so broken, so defeated, so unlike him. And with that he was standing up from his seat, grabbing his jacket and pushing the pair out of his way. Yuuji had made an attempt at calling for him, yet Megumi never heard him trying to come after him. That’s how much he mattered to people. He was a nuisance who others wanted to get rid of, sometimes offering an apology to make themselves feel better. But Megumi was tired, he was so tired of this all.
He had run from his problems like a coward.
And unfortunately for him, he had forgotten his phone and wallet behind. He didn’t have any money to pay for a motel, not even a phone to call Nobara. She lived so far away that walking there was unthinkable, yet not exactly impossible. So, he guessed he’d do that. He didn’t have money for a train ticket. He should probably run there, shouldn’t he? It was past seven, so it was already getting dark. He stared up at the night sky, enjoying the chilly wind blowing through his hair. He really loved October. It was just nice to sit outside and take in the scenery around him, just stare, observe, not think anything.
Yet he still somehow managed to feel so alone, like nothing was left here for him. The emptiness filling his mind no longer seemed so empty, instead filled with loneliness. He wished he could just not care about things that didn’t matter, yet why did all of his friends have someone to spend their nights with. Someone to hold hands with on a cold winter night while walking outside as the snow fell on the ground, the street lights dim, a few cars passing by. Yet it didn’t matter, because in the end they had each other, it was simply impossible to feel lonely beside their loved one. Why didn’t Megumi have someone to sit by the river with, enjoying the warm, sunny day, just staring at the water flowing. Maybe the person he longed for would throw a couple of rocks in the water while laughing at something Megumi had said. Why didn’t Megumi have someone to walk with along the night streets as cars drove by judging the fact that they were entirely drunk, a bottle of some strong alcohol in his hand, giggling away at something dumb his lover would have said. Why didn’t he deserve something like that?
All he was left with was making up new ideas of what he’d want to do with his future lover.
Why didn’t he deserve to be loved?
Why wasn’t anyone willing to love him?
He felt like the last man on earth after everyone died of some weird disease that he just so happened to be immune to. He felt like a lost man in a desert full of nothing but sand, not even any cacti left to lessen the feeling of complete loneliness.
It was just Megumi.
Megumi who was always alone.
Some days he would feel comfort in the solitary, he’d feel like he was better off without anyone. It would be such a hassle anyways. Yet other days he’d look at all the couples and feel bitter, feel so alone. Just wishing someone to come by and sweep him off his feet, take him with them, away. Away from here. He always hated these days.
No one around him seemed to understand this feeling.
He had friends. He had people who looked out for him, but he didn’t have anyone who’d ask how his day went, who’d listen to his rants about something small that had angered him. He didn’t have someone who’s hand he could grab onto whenever his fingers felt cold in the chilly weather. No one to hold him close at night, so instead he had to hug a pillow to his chest, so tight that if it was a living being it would be suffocated. He had no one to wipe his tears whenever he felt like this.
He hated everything about this emotion. He wished he could just put it on fire, rip it apart, throw it away, step on it like the popular guys in middle school did to an empty can. He wished he could be able to demolish it, to tear it apart like it was doing to him.
Why did he have to feel like this?
All of this had him questioning if he even liked Yuuji in the first place. Maybe he had just seen the boy as a potential lover, so his brain stuck onto that thought, growing, occupying the whole of Megumi’s brain. Had he accidentally fallen in love with the idea of Yuuji?
Megumi was lost in his thoughts, not even realizing a stranger had sat right next to him, uncomfortably close.
“Megumi-chan,” he heard a voice call.
Snapping out of his daze and turning his head to his right, Megumi couldn’t believe his eyes: “Gojo-san?”
“Aww c’mon, don’t be so cold Megumi,” the white haired man pouted, “it’s Toru-nii, remember?”
Megumi stared at the man before him. He’d last seen him a few years ago, he looked so different. The Satoru in his memory was quite tall for his age, had an undercut and definitely did not smoke. So why was he holding a cigarette in his hand, smirking right at him, finding his shocked face amusing. Not that his face had really changed that much. Satoru had grown to be really tall. Huge even. He really didn’t expect this man to grow this tall. Satoru also had two piercings under his bottom lip, one on the right and the other on the left side of his face - snake bite piercings. Was that an eyebrow piercing as well, on his left brow? Satoru had also grown out his undercut, now having some sort of a mullet. Kind of? It wasn’t one of those weird ugly looking ones. This hairstyle actually suited him quite a bit.
Okay, Megumi sure as hell wasn’t attracted to his former guardian. Absolutely not. No.
Alright so maybe he would like those hands wrapped around his neck- did he have a snake tattoo on his left forearm? Fuck, Megumi was so attracted to this man. And why did he have those weird, edgy rings all the guys seemed to be wearing? If Nobara saw this Satoru she’d laugh until she pissed herself. She bullied guys like him in her pastime.
Now why the hell did he find this man so hot?
Megumi inhaled, exhaled, inhaled again and then opened his mouth: “Toru-nii.”