Chapter Text
I’ve been here in Jackson ever since Tommy has been, he’s the only reason why I am even alive to this day. So, ever since the day he had saved me from those disgusting pricks when I was just 14 years old, we’ve had a father daughter relationship. I don’t know what id do without him, if I were to be honest.
Then came Maria. As those two got closer, the more of a mother figure she became to me. I mean I never really had parents, they were killed when I was a baby and I was raised with a random group until I was six, but then they got killed and eaten. So having Tommy and Maria felt… nice.
Our routine here in Jackson was great, I’d watch the kids while the parents were working and patrolling, then I’d go back home to have dinner with Tommy and Maria and some nights we’d even have a family movie night. I’m not really much of a people person either so I didn’t mind watching kids and then only hanging with my parent figures, but they thought otherwise.
So, like usual parents do, they forced me to go out to those stupid events that the town liked to hold. That’s where I met Jesse and Dina, and we surprisingly got along well.
The town likes to call us the throuple because I was always third wheeling with the two, but we all just worked. They always ask me if I’m interested in anyone and I always deny it because, well, it’s the truth. No one has caught my eye, every single boy here is just bland and so I’ve gotten content with being by myself and having my two friends.
Of course they sometimes tried to set me up with a few of the guys they met on petrol, but it never worked. They’d either want only one thing, sex, or they’d turn out to be assholes. Boys had become disgusting in the apocalypse.
Then a year later our three person group turned into four.
To be honest, Ellie and I get along more than I do with the other two, we just clicked like two peas in a pod. We’d end up hanging out more often than not, just to give the other two their own time and Ellie seemed to not mind either. She always talks to me about a man named Joel and how they travelled across cities together. I loved it when she told me stories of her adventures. Then a few days later I finally meet you, the infamous Joel who ends up being Tommy’s long lost brother.
The moment my eyes lay upon you is the moment my world stops. You’re the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen, the massive build, your soft, but dirty locks, and those chocolate swirl orbs that make my heart pound. You could say it’s love at first sight.
My heart wants to do flips while also plummet into hell, I’m only 16 and I’ve just fallen for a 40 year old man who I haven’t even spoken to. Damn that smooth rough voice of yours and that shy smile that wants to grace your face.
You sit across from me at the dinner table and I can’t help, but think if it’s a blessing or a curse. My eyes can’t leave your face while yours barely even give me a glance, rightfully so, but that doesn’t mean shit to my heart.
Though, the moment Tommy introduces me as his step kid, is when those amazing eyes finally meet mine and my heart soars. Oh that chuckle, so deep and hearty, makes me weak in the knees.
God and that smile that you finally let free, makes my insides warm. Damn it, Joel, you will be the death of me.
That night I lay in my bed plagued by the images and thoughts of you. This would definitely be something I have to take to my grave. Being smitten by my father figures brother who is also the father figure of my best friend? Definitely could never be spoken about.
As I grew older my feelings seemed to grow too. The more I saw you, the more you didn’t leave my mind. Even if I wanted to avoid you, Joel, it was almost impossible.
Ellie would drag me over for movie nights with you two, if I’ll be honest I would never be able to tell anyone what it was we watched, especially on the nights where I got lucky, or unlucky, to sit in the spot right beside you. Even so, you would barely say a word to me, only when needed.
Like “you need anythin y/n?”
Or “how’s Ellie holdin up?”
Never anything more and never anything less. It of course hurt, but deep down I understand. We are similar after all.
Then came the day when I saw a woman walking down the steps from yours and Ellie’s, she smiled so brightly and I knew it had to be because you, Joel. I mean you are the only one who could make someone feel like that, you make me feel like that.
“Hello, sweetheart.” Is all she said to me as she bounced off happily. As her heart soared, mine fell and little did I know, it would fall all the way into the pits of hell.
When I walked in and saw your bright smile that I rarely got to see just confirmed my thoughts even more and my heart snapped. I wanted to run, run and cry and never come back. Though, I had no right to feel upset because you deserved happiness and I always had known that I wouldn’t be the cause of it.
Your eyes met mine and shock crossed your face while mine stayed somber, hoping and praying you wouldn’t notice. You hardly look at me to begin with, so of course you wouldn’t notice.
My thoughts are confirmed as you tell me in that deep Texan voice of yours that Ellie is out back in her room. So, I don’t even reply, of course I feel bad about being cold to you, but my heart can’t handle talking right now, and so I make my way out to Ellie.
With every step I take the tears become unbearable and I finally let a few slide, especially at the feeling of your eyes against my back.
It was stupid of me to be excited for my 18th birthday, thinking maybe I’d finally have a chance at having you, but no. This world doesn’t work like that now does it, Joel?
I lie to Ellie when she asks about my tears, and I know I shouldn’t, but she’d forgive me right? I’d rather a little white lie than to tell her I’m in love with her father, she’d definitely hate me after she found that out.
Tommy and Maria threw me a surprise party, and everyone is here. Well everyone except for you.
I know where you are, I know who you’re with, and my heart feels heavy.
Everyone’s happy, but I can’t seem to make myself feel the same. Smiles, laughter, and dancing fill the house while I stand there watching with a fake smile plastered on my bland face. My thoughts are plagued of you and how I wish you would’ve been here, then maybe, just maybe I could’ve felt special and happy on this day. Instead I wish this day never even existed, my life is pointless so why celebrate it?
Ellie tries to drag me into the living room to dance, and to not make her suspicious, I go. I feel like a zombie at this point and of course that’s when you decide to show up. With her.
My heart falls for what feels like the millionth time. You’re smiling beautifully with your arm wrapped around her waist.
You just want to ruin my day even more, don’t you Joel Miller?
Tears well up in my eyes as I watch her hand caress your bicep, like she’s taunting me, like she knows how much it hurts me. I cant stay and so, I leave. Only to the washroom of course, I can’t let everyone down. They’ve put so much work into this day, so I’ll just have to stick to sobbing in here and hoping you leave even though I so badly want you to stay.
As the tears struggle to stop I can still faintly hear you both, talking and laughing with my parents.
Why must you torture me?
Have I really been that shitty of a person to deserve this?
No, no I’m sorry. This isn’t your fault.
You’ve been through so much and just want to be happy, it just seems like I have to give up my happiness to you, so that you can be happy.
Therefore, I put on my happiest fake smile that I can muster and make my way out to you. Wouldn’t want to be rude and not thank you for coming, it is sweet of you to come on your special date, after all.
With a smile so bright, but eyes so hollow, I tell you “thank you for coming.” Your smile falters as you look into my eyes, am I really just that horrible to be around? I must be and for that I am sorry, Joel.
So, I excuse myself after thanking your sweet girlfriend for the present.
She’s lucky to have you, you know?
I feel your eyes follow me, but I don’t look back even though I so badly want to. This is all for you, Joel. I’ll leave you be in order for you to be happy.
Just like that, you two leave not too long after. I saw you as you left, my hips swaying back and forth, my mind hazy from the alcohol, and I swear I saw your gaze linger on me. I must be crazy right? Yes, it has to be the alcohol.
I’ve lost count of how much I’ve drank, it helps numb the sadness that lays deep inside me and all my thoughts seem to clear. Though, the thought of you never does. Of course you can’t even succumb to the effects of alcohol, you mean too much to do that.
Not too long after you leave, I pass out against someone and dream of you and me.
After that day, I avoid you like the plague. Well, you are my plague in a way. I know you don’t notice, but I feel like I’m dying while I’m living. Everything around me is so bland now.
I’ve seen you and her get closer, Ellie also tells me about how lovey dovey you two are now. You know, I’m happy for you, truest I am. It’s just I can’t help, but to wish that were me making you feel that way.
To help distract myself I’ve taken up more patrols, almost going out every day for hours and exhausting myself just so I didn’t have to think of you.
Your brother doesn’t like it, we argue almost every night because of it, but I can’t stop, Joel. I think he’s noticed a change in me, he’s always giving me a certain look just before whispering to Maria while I’m sitting right there.
I had honestly thought I had fooled everyone, but I guess I’m shit at that also. He’s scared to confront me and I don’t blame him, I’m a ticking time bomb. Nothing affects me like it use to, Joel. I get yelled at constantly for being reckless on patrol and I just sit there and take it because I know I deserve to be yelled at, I am reckless.
Just between me and you, a part of me hopes that when I go out one of these days that I never make it back.
Eventually they tell Tommy and that’s how I end up on patrol with you, and it’s all because I had begged Tommy to not take me off. He had threatened to pull me off and stick me to the stables, but if he did then I’d see you way more than I’d be able to bare.
So, I begged and begged, and he agreed, but only on one condition. I already know you know that I didn’t know the condition until now, because if I had then I wouldn’t be here riding beside you.
Surprisingly enough you try to talk to me, and I’m thankful, but ever since that day I just preferred to not talk. So I’m sorry, Joel, please forgive me if I’m coming off as rude.
Your sigh stings, but I can’t make myself speak. The images of the two of you is all I can see, I’m screaming at myself from deep within, but I’m too far gone to make it stop. Only you can pull me from out of this hell, but we both know you won’t.
I am once again reckless and instead of like normal, you are the one who has to save me. Though, you shouldn’t have and I wish you hadn’t. Why couldn’t you just have let me go? You’re happy, so just let me find my own happiness.
The way you grab my arm should’ve scared me, but it doesn’t, and I know I should be listening to you, but I can’t. Your yelling rings in my ear like white noise as I stare at your large warm hand that I’ve always dreamt of touching me.
Did you know that this is your first time touching me?
We’ve known each other for 4 years and you’ve just now finally touched me. If only it were in a different situation than the one we are currently in.
I can hear you getting fed up with me and so I’m not surprised when you roughly let go of my arm.
“Stupid fucking kid.”
I heard that, Joel. You whispered it, but I heard it.
The little piece of my heart that was left is now gone, turned to ashes and blowing away in the wind. So, without another word I leave you in that room to yourself, I know you’d be fine without me. I’m just a nuisance after all, and honestly maybe it would be better if I left Jackson all together. I’d miss everyone, but it seems like everyone would be happier without me.
Especially you, Joel.
I sit on top of Charlie, waiting for you even though I wanted to run and never look back, but if I did then Tommy would blame you. I don’t want that because you’re finally happy, you have a girl, a daughter, and your brother. Who am I to ruin that just because I wanted to be selfish.
I hear your familiar footsteps before I see you, and my dull, lifeless eyes don’t even dare to look up at you.
“I’m sorry, sweetheart.”
Why must you do this, Joel? You’ve never once called me that before, never even gave me the time of day, and so why the fuck would you choose to call me that now?!
My hands are shaking, and my eyes are flowing with uncontrollable tears, can you see? I know you can, but I’ve hit my tipping point, so I couldn’t care less.
I want to scream, punch, yell, and throw up all at once. I don’t know what I’ve become and it scares me, and I think it scares you too.
The feeling of your arms bringing me down and into you, grounds me. I’m sorry that I’m making a mess of your favourite jacket, I know how much you love it.
Your whispering of sweet nothings help me more than you could ever know, and the feeling of your hand running through my hair makes me feel things that had become so numb since forever ago. You want me to tell you what’s going on, but I just can’t and I hope you can understand. No, I know you will understand because you’re almost the exact same way as I am when it comes to emotions.
Then when your eyes meet mine, those worried chocolate orbs.
Oh god, Joel.
The way you’re touching me, and the way you’re looking at me. It’s like I can feel you trying to drag me out of my hell, but it will take more than that to save me and I can see it in your eyes that you can see that too.
The very next day you show up on our doorstep, I expect it’s because of Tommy, but to my surprise, it’s because of me.
“Come with me.” You say and like the stupid fool I am, I follow without so much as a word.
What has changed, Joel?
Why all of sudden are you looking for me?
Why all of a sudden do you want to talk to me?
Why do you look at me now?
I’m not stupid, I’ve seen your lingering gazes. Maybe it’s because you pity me? That had to be it.
You try to make small talk with me as we walk to wherever you’re taking me and I for once take the bait. You’re making me feel more alive than I have felt in the past year, Joel. Of course you’d be the man to make me fall and then pick me back up when I fell too far.
You ask me how my night was and I humour you, it was of course shit like every other night, but I would never tell you that.
“Where are you taking me, cowboy?” I ask you and that deep chuckle of yours vibrates from your broad chest that I’ve always wanted to be pressed against. It was because I called you cowboy, wasn’t it? I’m glad you liked that, maybe I’ll just have to say it more often if it gets you to laugh.
You don’t answer me because we make it to your home and my answer is given, but why here? Is it because of Ellie? Yes that had to be it, you of course didn’t come to get me for yourself.
At that, I feel myself beginning to slip back down towards the bottom of my hell.
“I want to show you something.”
You say it so softly, softer than I’ve ever heard you speak, and just like that I’m able to climb back up. So you did come get me for yourself? You don’t know how happy that makes me feel, Joel. This is the first time I’ve felt these kind of emotions in a year, and it’s all thanks to you.
As you take me upstairs, I can’t help, but to feel a bit sad. I’ve missed being here, missed having movie nights with you two and missed making a mess of these halls with my best friend.
Poor Ellie, I’ve been such a horrible friend to her this past year. I just hope she will be able to forgive me, do you think she will, Joel?
The smell of fresh wood hits my nose before you finally take me into a room. So this is the room Ellie had told me so much about. You know, she’s told me all about how you like to sit up in here and lose track of time while building those guitars and wooden figures you love so much. It has always intrigued me, made me see just how much more of an amazing person you truest are.
Did you really think I didn’t know about your little side hobby, Joel? Though, I surely didn’t know that you knew about my secret interest, the one I wanted to so badly act on when I found out about your hobby.
“I know how much ya wanna learn the guitar.”
Even though I’m stunned, I can’t help the small giggle that leaves my mouth at the sound of you pronouncing the word guitar. It’s cute, but I’d never have the courage to tell you that. Your eyes land on me and I can’t figure out the emotion behind them, what is it, Joel?
Is it annoyance?
Disgust? It must be, I’m sorry, I know how annoying my laugh can be. I won’t do it again, I promise.
“What’s so funny, sweetheart?”
There’s that word again.
‘Sweetheart.’
Why must you make me feel this way, it’s like you know and want to make it harder on me than everything already is. Though, deep down I know you don’t mean harm by it.
I choke up on my words and pray that you don’t notice because how embarrassing would it be if you did. The last thing I want to do is make a fool out of myself in front of you.
So, I finally get it out of my mouth and tell you. Once again you chuckle, and god your chuckle is the most pleasing sound to ever ring through my ears. After that you tell me you will teach me and that I have no room to argue, and it’s honestly funny of you to think that. Why would I want to pass up on the opportunity to spend more time with you?
Of course, you are somewhat right though. My broken heart makes sure that there is no room for me to decide.
I watch as your long, rough fingers strum against the strings of one of your guitars and just like that, I lose every train of thought. You’ve always had that kind of effect on me.
So, when you are finally able to tell me that I am to accompany you on patrol from now on, it sure is a shock to me. You can tell, I know you can because you’re staring at me, and watching me for my reaction. Why would you want to spend more time with me than is needed, Joel? Don’t you find me appalling?
“Why?” Is all I can get myself to say while your intimidatingly beautiful eyes bore into mine. You tell me it’s Tommy’s request, and I won’t lie, that hurts because I thought for a second that maybe it was you wanting this on your own, but I also can’t help, but notice it seems like you’re trying to tell yourself that.
Could it be possible that you’re lying?
That maybe you want to spend time with the pathetic little girl?
No, that couldn’t be possible right?
I’m proven wrong when you let out a soft sigh, “I lied, it’s because I’m worried about you. Everyone is, sweetheart.”
You’re worried about me?
Why?
How?
I thought you barely even noticed me? I’m so shocked that my filter around my brain disappears and I whisper out “why me?”
You look at me with confusion and a hint of anger. I’m sorry I keep making things so hard for you, I really tried keeping myself out of your life, but you somehow wiggle your way back into mine.
Of course my luck has run out because we’re then interrupted by a soft knock on the door. It’s her.
A lump forms in my throat as the tears want to well over, but I keep them at bay. Wouldn’t want to embarrass myself in front of you, now would I?
She looks at me with that soft smile that makes me want to die, because how could I hate someone like her when all she ever is to me is nice. She is so perfect for you that it hurts. I’m bland, a bitch and hideous, while she’s so sweet, exotic and beautiful. I could never compare to some like her, Joel.
“Am i interrupting anything?” She says so sweetly that I can’t help but clench my fist. You of course say no and make your way up to her, but in that mommy I can’t watch anymore. So I look down at my feet with a hitch in my breath. God I had never wished I was 6 ft under ground more than I did right now, why must you do this to me?
To think things were looking up, just for the world to slap me in my face and ground me.
Fuck me right? Right.
So, with one last sentence I make my way out of this hell, “I’ll see you around.”
God damn it, Joel Miller.