Chapter Text
The air is cold against Sapnap’s cheeks, and his entire body recoils as he pushes through a set of double doors. They are firm and heavy, flying to the sides dramatically. Inside the building shouldn’t feel so harsh and chilled, not after being in the outside air which has been hovering at a crisp 45 degrees. It’s impressive for a Floridian winter, and Sapnap wishes he brought a thicker coat. Instead, he wraps his arms around himself in a desperate attempt to warm up.
“See, I told you that you could do it.”
Dream follows Sapnap through the doors, his body so close and somehow so warm even from inches away. Immediately, the taller starts walking forward with that characteristic unmatched confidence, his shoulders swaying just the right amount, and he turns to flash a wink in Sapnap’s direction. His light hair falls over his browline so smoothly, the silhouette of his face breathtaking. “It’s just a building, see? Nothing to be worried about.”
Embarrassment flushes through Sapnap, surely turning his face pink, and he feels his ears heat up, A familiar pinprick of nerves settles across his cheeks. He forces himself to roll his eyes and look away from Dream, anything to stop the way he feels. “You know it has nothing to do with the building, Dream. Stop being such an idiot.”
“What was that?” Dream teases, grabbing Sapnap’s hand and pulling him along, “If you aren’t nervous about the building, what is it exactly that you’re so nervous about? What’s got you so flustered?”
Sapnap has a sudden and deep urge to punch Dream in the stomach, or maybe across the jawline, wants to paint him in purples and blues. He feels his cheeks warm yet again and finds himself staring at the floor, a dull gray concrete. As if it hadn’t already been hard for Sapnap to convince himself to trail along, now Dream has to make him even more uncomfortable, has to push things further. The situation has Sapnap on edge, the tips of his fingers unsteady, entire body walking a thin and unknown line. He decides to simply not answer his friend, decides to not play into the silly game. Instead, he unsticks his feet from the spot by the doors, lets himself be dragged forward by his counterpart, further into the building and towards the rows of booths that fill the convention center.
Of course, it’s not the building that has Sapnap feeling as if he walks a tightrope. It’s not the freezing cold air. It’s not even the fact that Dream is holding his hand. It’s what fills the rows of the venue that has him feeling so anxious.
Dream must see something that catches his eye, and he pulls Sapnap to the left sharply. They come to a stop right in front of a bright green booth, a bold logo printed onto the tent awning. The second Sapnap realizes what the stall is selling, he finds himself obsessed with the laces of his shoes, always looking down, letting his embarrassment control him. What the hell is he doing here? How had he let Dream convince him to tag along? Sapnap finds himself awestruck at how unphased Dream is as he picks up a conversation with the man behind the table. Sapnap looks up, a bit dizzy, as Dream even reaches forward and touches-
“Sapnap, did you hear me?” Dream’s voice is so calm, so level.
“Hm?” Sapnap forces himself to look towards his best friend.
“I said, what do you think of this one?”
It takes a lot of power for Sapnap to look down. It takes even more power to hold back the natural reaction that he has. In Dream’s hands sits a rather well and naturally colored dildo, the size somehow a perfect fit in his palms. Sapnap doesn’t feel like he is real, feels like the world is slipping away from him. Surely, this isn’t happening. This can’t be happening. He hasn’t let his friend bring him to a BDSM convention. He hasn’t let himself enter this world. He hasn’t let himself indulge in something so far gone, so wicked. And there is no way he is looking at his best friend holding a dildo, as if it’s a piece of gold, as if it’s a masterpiece.
“I, um,” Sapnap’s words are so shaky, he barely sounds like himself. He doesn’t know what to say, can barely even think in a straight line. Everything feels like it’s broken into scattered thoughts in his mind. He can’t stop staring. Can’t shut his damn mouth. Finally, he forces himself to say, “I think it’s nice.”
“ Nice ,” Dream smirks and looks back towards the man behind the table, “He thinks it’s nice .”
The man chuckles lightly and responds in a deep register, “It’s one of my favorites. Though maybe your partner is interested in something else?” He gestures to the other side of the table where less realistic, though somehow more beautiful and sinfully artistic, dildos are displayed.
Dream looks back towards Sapnap, “What do you think, sweetheart ?”
The words are thick like honey when they fall from Dream’s lips, and for a moment, Sapnap has to count his breaths. Each that fills his lungs, each that shakily escapes his mouth. It’s measured, maybe the only thing keeping Sapnap from turning on his heels and leaving this building for good. He had come here as if he had something to prove. He wanted to show Dream that he wasn’t as innocent as the other thought. He wanted to show confidence of his own . But now, finally here, face to face with everything in this building, Sapnap feels like the most inexperienced person on the planet. He feels like a teenager again, lost in a brand new world. His head is underwater and he’s struggling to stay afloat. Strange weight pulls him into the deep and dark water, a chasm in the murky blues.
“I’m not his partner,” Sapnap feels like he has to clarify, “I’m just here for company. Get whatever you want, Dream. It’s not my opinion that matters.”
The words are the first things Sapnap has been able to manage that comes out with any lick of confidence, and it brings a certain strength back into his limbs. He lets himself indulge a bit, watching Dream turn the dildo over his hands again and again. He lets himself calm down, find any ounce of mental peace.
You can do this , he repeats to himself.
It’s just sex, after all. No stranger to anyone in this building. It’s just sex toys. Just leather, and straps and gags and whips and rope and-
“I think I really like this one,” Dream continues, “C’mon, Sap, what do you think? Really. I want your opinion.”
Sapnap wants to say that he doesn’t care. That a dildo is a dildo, isn’t it? But maybe, maybe that’s the inexperienced thing to say. Maybe those things do matter, the way it looks, the way it feels. He shifts on the souls of his feet and takes a deep breath through his nose, “I think the coloring is really, uh, really pretty, I guess.”
Dream’s face goes slack for a moment, as if Sapnap’s words have taken hold of him. Sapnap isn’t sure what to make of it, if he said something wrong. Or maybe, hopefully, he said something really right . Dream finally shakes from his state of shock and looks towards the man again, “I’ll take it.”
Sapnap watches intricately as the toy is wrapped in delicate paper and stuck in a beautifully ornate box.
As the two walk away from the stall, Sapnap clings to Dream’s side. He feels like an outsider here. He looks around towards the crowds of people, all so different, but all so at home within the large space. Some of them are dressed skimpily, with so much of their skin on display, milky white, and smooth, or muscled, hairy. Others are the complete opposite and wear so much . Leather over every part of them. Sapnap would be lying if it doesn’t elevate his heart rate. He finds himself grabbing onto the hem of Dream’s shirt, as if he’s some sort of child, comforted by the proximity of someone familiar.
“What do you think?” Dream asks vaguely as they near the end of the first row of booths. Sapnap doesn’t think he could properly put his feelings into words if he tried. He is surrounded by things he never imagined, never let fill the deepest most intimate parts of his brain. Some things he doesn’t even know, doesn’t recognize. And since he truly doesn’t feel as though he has words to describe everything in his head, he looks towards Dream and makes a face that hopefully shows that he isn’t nervous, and isn't scared. If anything, it might be a look of someone who is painfully overwhelmed.
But what’s so wrong with that?
“Well, we are just getting started. Let me know if there is a stall or booth you want to stop at, okay? I mostly like to just window shop but sometimes things catch my eye,” He holds up the bag from his first purchase, “I can’t help myself.”
Sapnap shakes his head in disbelief. Maybe a part of him wishes he could let himself be so free.
“What?” Dream teases.
“Nothing,”
“No,” Dream pushes, “What is it? Tell me. I want to know what you’re thinking.”
“It’s nothing…it’s just… you . You seem so comfortable here. You’re…so happy. So at ease.” Sapnap is honest with Dream, even when he doesn’t want to be. That’s the downfall of having a best friend. That’s the downfall and being around someone like Dream.
Dream shrugs, “Why shouldn’t I be comfortable? This is nothing at all. You should see where I go to work. My office makes this place seem like a total joke. You do remember that this is my job, right?”
It’s a silly question. It’s something Sapnap could never forget. After all, how could he? He remembers the day Dream had told him so vividly, it has become a memory that could never be erased from his brain. He even remembers the goddamn day, a Saturday. One of those Saturdays where they order in and watch a movie because going out seems way too difficult, too much effort. Dream had changed the conversation abruptly to work, fumbling over his words and telling Sapnap that he had been fired. The way he had said it seemed like a hit to his ego, and he had seemed so weak and so unlike himself that the moment seemed to suspend. Sapnap had never been fired, had no clue how to comfort his friend, didn’t know what to say or do. But he did feel terrible. All he thought to do was immediately offer to help job search, to drive him around to some local businesses to see if they needed help. Help him take some of the emotional burden away.
But mostly, he remembers the way Dream’s face had looked when he shook his head no . It was all blush and embarrassment, head dropped slightly to his chest, “I already found a new job, Sapnap.” The words had been so soft Sapnap had almost thought he misheard. But then Dream had kept going, “I got an offer, somewhere…well, somewhere really different. But I’m really, really happy with it. And I really want you to be happy for me too. I just…I don’t know what you’re going to say.”
Nerves had grabbed Sapnap in a vice, threatening to choke him out. It had taken a lot of power to even say something as simple as, “If it makes you happy, Dream, that’s all that matters.” And it was true, because of course it was. Sapnap cared about Dream’s happiness first and foremost, always and forever, until he was dragged from this earth by Satan himself/
“I got a job at Stardust.”
“Cool,” Sapnap had said, trying to be nonchalant, “Uh, what’s that, exactly?”
“I’m going to be…I’m going to be an…adult film actor. I’m going to be a pornstar, Sapnap.”
And so, as to be imagined, Sapnap has never forgotten that moment. Has never forgotten the way the words sounded, or the images that flashed through his head so intensely. Images he couldn’t rid himself of for weeks. Of course, it had taken some coming around to, understanding it, embracing it. But if that’s how Dream is happy, then of course, Sapnap will support him. As long as he stayed safe and healthy, he honestly couldn’t find it in him to care. In fact, he sometimes found himself a bit jealous, the green monster hanging over his shoulders.
Dream had blossomed, had gone through his very own springtime. Budding and growing. And oh, it has been indescribably beautiful.
Being a pornstar had turned him into something entirely new. He was adored by so many. He shifted to private sessions, shifted into new positions of power, was paid to take people apart and put them back together again, was the master of pleasure, of indulgence, knew how to pull the very soul from someone. It was something Sapnap knew all too well.
But now, Sapnap had somehow let himself get pulled into Dream’s world. And as much as he wanted to, as much as he tried, he still felt like an outsider as he walked past each booth, walked past each person in latex, each person with crops or whips hanging off of their belts.
“Hey, Sap, are you sure you’re okay? You’re starting to look a bit pale.” Dream stops them, and grabs Sapnap’s chin, tilting it upwards towards his face.
Sapnap tries to nod, “I’m okay.”
“We can step out for a moment if you need to okay? I don’t want you to be uncomfortable.” Dream’s voice has gone from the playful, confident, authoritative tone to a much softer, gentler one in the matter of moments.
“No,” Sapnap shakes his head, “No, really. I’m alright. This is just… there is just so much.”
Dream smiles, “I understand. But you’re safe, okay? C’mon, let’s go down the next row and then we will see if there is a food court or something around here. I’m getting hungry. I can’t believe I forgot breakfast.”
So they walk, so close together they may as well be holding hands still, or linking arms. They pass a particularly unclothed person, with oil smoothed over their skin. They are so stunning, so shiny in the bright lights that cover the ceiling of the convention center. Sapnap can’t help but to stare, and feels his body start to respond. He forces himself to think of something disgusting, something, anything but where he is and who he is surrounded with. Dream seems to notice some sort of internal struggle and wraps his arm around Sapnap’s shoulders gently. It’s enough of a distraction, enough reassurance, and Sapnap starts to count his breaths again. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Repeat.
He lets his eyes wander. It hadn’t been part of his intention to buy anything or participate in any way. He came to experience it, to take a step into the world of Dream. But he finds himself occasionally enthralled by the way someone or something looks. And a part of him, some new and distant part of him, starts to surface.
It’s not until they are almost to the end of the next row that Sapnap physically stops in his tracks. The last booth of the row is brightly colored, a clear case covering a wide variety of sex toys. Some large, others, so small they seem almost dainty. Sapnap feels pulled, as if by some strange force, towards a small toy at the far end of the case. His brain latches on and doesn’t want to let go. Everything else seems to goes blank.
“Do you want to go over there, Sap?” Dream asks gently, so, so gently, following his eyeline.
Sapnap’s mouth feels dry, but a strange wave of confidence comes over him and he finds himself nodding. He doesn’t turn to fully look at Dream but thinks he catches a half smirk on the other’s mouth, and the taller one starts to lead him towards the booth. Smoothly, just like always, Dream starts up a flawless conversation with the person working, and it gives Sapnap enough of a feeling of privacy as he walks towards the toy. It’s small, and made of plain gray silicone, and so nonchalant that it somehow screams at him. He thinks he knows exactly what it is, but is too scared to ask, too nervous to really do anything at all until Dream is behind him. He leans over him, his chest pressing to Sapnap’s back. It’s flirty and a bit protective, but it’s nothing new. Their friendship has always been touchy, always been a bit more, especially since Dream’s sexual confidence has continued to grow over the past years.
“Do you like that one?” Dream asks softly, “It’s nice and small. It would be a great way to try it out. See if you like it.” Heat rises to Sapnap’s face again, and he bites his lip. “It’s just a small buttplug, see,” Dream points towards a small graphic on one of the signs behind the table, “I know you probably don't have much experience with it, but I can bet that it would feel really, really good.”
It’s all too overwhelming again. Sapnap doesn’t feel like he can speak. Dream’s breath on the back of his neck. The bright lights. The way that small gray toy looks under the clear case. He thinks he’s going to black out.
“That one is really small,” The woman behind the table appears in front of them, pointing towards the toy he can’t stop staring at, “But, it makes up for that by being one of our models that vibrates, of course. Clients seem to love it. It’s great for beginners.”
Sapnap doesn’t know what drives him to look at Dream, but he does. Their eyes lock, and Sapnap is sure that his face is completely debauched, that he looks as though all thoughts have left his skull, that he is nothing more than a moment of total uncontrolled desire. It pulses through him hot and heavy. This is not how he should be looking at his best friend. This isn’t where he should be with his best friend. Emotions start to fight at the surface of his skin, and he feels like he needs to run, to get away right then. But something seems to simmer him, something seems to cool him down. A hand presses to the small of his back.
Dream’s eyes somehow give that needy, totally desperate, emotion right back at him. Sapnap thinks he’s on fire.
“We’ll take the small gray one then,” Dream says, fishing into his pocket for his wallet. He pulls out the brown leather, grabs out a card swiftly and passes it over the case, “Some lube too, for good measure, please.”
***
By the time they are ready to leave the convention center, people are starting to realize that Dream is actually, Dream. The Dream. The one they have videos of at home, the one they can never seem to book or schedule. The one that everyone wants but seems tantalizingly out of their reach. It’s not something Sapnap ever thought he would see, but people approach him eagerly. Have him sign their body parts, take pictures with him, ask him about upcoming projects. Sapnap isn’t sure what he thought, but he never imagined that this was normal for Dream, that people stopped him, that he was some kind of celebrity. He guesses that in some sort of way, in this community, Dream is a celebrity. He has never heard such compliments towards his best friend. They say everything.
That he makes the best noises, that he moves in all the right ways , that the face he makes when he hits the edge drives them mad . Sapnap isn’t even sure he comprehends some of the compliments that are thrown around. If he didn’t feel out of place before, he surely does now. He squeezes his eyes shut to desperately push the images from the backs of his eyes.
He has been walking these rows with a God.
“Is that a new partner?” One of the people asks then, looking towards Sapnap with curiosity. The eyes that fall on Sapnap feel like lasers.
Dream smirks and looks down towards him, a look of admiration, of kindness, “No, no he’s not.” Even as he speaks, his words contradict his actions and he grabs Sapnap’s hand. His fingers are strong and cool to the touch. “Thank you all for stopping to say hi, but we are actually on our way out for the day. Enjoy the rest of your convention.”
He waves with his free hand, the bags of today’s purchases handing off of his fingertips. He lets the other hand stay linked with Sapnap’s.
And finally, fucking finally, Dream is pulling Sapnap out of the building.
***
When they finally are back to the car, out of the frigid January night, Sapnap runs his hands through his hair. For the first time all day Sapnap thinks he feels normal again. His head feels like it sits right on his neck, things make sense. Dream clicks his seatbelt into place and starts the car with a push of a button. He passes the bags over to Sapnap who puts them at his feet, turning the heat up and the seat warmers on. Dream’s car is an easy reflection of his newly acquainted wealth. It had been a slow start, but people apparently couldn’t get enough of him, and his new profession started opening opportunities of all kinds.
“Alright,” Dream says after he pulls out of the parking lot, “Tell me. I want your full and honest review. What did you think?”
It’s a very general question, and Sapnap doesn’t really know where to start. He had been so nervous, so anxious about the day that he feels like he’s still coming down from some strange high. He sighs, “Honestly, it wasn’t what I expected.”
“Elaborate,” Dream commands at first, then follows with a more gentle, “Please.”
Sapnap knows that Dream isn’t going to make fun of him, isn’t going to judge whatever answer passes his lips. But another part of Sapnap knows that this world is important to Dream, and that his words need to be well placed. Just because he didn’t feel like he belonged there didn’t mean that it was bad. It didn’t mean that it wasn’t a magical place, in some sort of different and unacquainted way.
“Well, I mean…I told you when we were in there. You belong there, you know? And I felt a little bit like I-like I didn’t belong. I mean, I don’t really belong. So it was just…It wasn’t bad. It wasn’t bad at all. Some parts were really fun. I’m just not sure it’s my thing, if that makes sense.” Sapnap feels self conscious of his words. So mumbled and disconnected. He hopes he didn’t say something wrong. Hopes Dream understands him.
“I understand.” Dream says simply. Sapnap feels relief flood him. “I felt that way a bit when I started going to these things. It’s not something that comes overnight, but eventually it gets easier. Those people in there, even if they felt intimidating, I can promise you, most people in this community are so accepting, so down to earth. Sex is so human. It’s just part of being human. It’s okay to want things. It’s okay to like things.”
Sapnap doesn’t know how Dream makes it seem so easy, so natural. But it does ease some of the residual nerves from the day, just hearing him say it. Sapnap pushes back into the passenger seat and feels exhaustion really start to take over.
“I do have to ask though, because I can’t control my curiosity,” Dream continues, “What made you want to stop at that stall?”
Sapnap knew this conversation would come up eventually. It seems easier here at least, just him and Dream. No one looking. No one judging. “It just caught my eye and-” He shakes his head, unable to believe his own words, his own thoughts, “I just wanted it. But you didn’t have to buy it for me, you know. I would have paid for it.”
“I know,” Dream grins, “I just wanted to.”
“Why?”
A shrug is all he gets at first. But then, “Because I wanted to be a part of it, I guess. It just felt right. I take you to your first sex convention, I buy your first sex toy.”
That damn blush comes back to Sapnap’s cheeks and he is grateful that the car is dark as they drive home, “You don’t know that was my first.”
“Oh? It wasn’t? And what then, little Sapnap has a secret stash of sex toys under his bed?”
Sapnap groans as Dream reads right through his lie, “You’re so annoying.”
“You’re so innocent. C’mon, let’s grab some food on the way home. I’m hungry again.”
***
Sapnap wakes up nice and early the next morning, which is somewhat of a surprise. He expected to sleep in until he couldn’t stay in bed any longer. The day had truly exhausted him, physically and mentally. But the sun has just come up as he’s rubbing the sleep from his eyes. Slowly, he pulls himself from bed and walks to the bathroom to pee and brush the nasty morning breath from his tongue. The lights are bright, and everything seems in slow motion as he walks through his morning routine.
By the time he ends up in the kitchen, grabbing a bottle of water from the top shelf of the fridge, Dream is already at the island eating a protein bar and reading something on his phone.
“Morning,” Dream mumbles, not taking his eyes off of his screen, “Didn’t think you would be up for awhile.”
“I didn’t either,” Sapnap admits, “Couldn’t sleep any more.”
“Well, at least now we can see each other for a little while. I have a booking at 9:30 across town.” Sapnap just nods and falls into the bar stool beside Dream. “Oh, also, I totally forgot.” Dream sets down his phone and walks towards the entrance of the house, grabbing a small bag from the entryway table. He returns to the barstool and sets the bag down in front of Sapnap. “That’s yours from yesterday. I accidentally took everything up to my room. I actually forgot you got something too. I made sure to bring it back down so I didn't’ forget.”
Somehow, Sapnap had forgotten about it too. Maybe it was that he just woke up, in a wave of exhaustion perhaps. Nervously, he pushes the bag further away from him on the counter and nods stiffly, “Thanks.”
Dream chuckles, “You don’t have to be so uptight about it.”
“I’m not.”
“You are.”
Sapnap groans, “Whatever. Just because it’s all easy for you, doesn't mean it’s easy for me, okay?”
The words actually seem to hit some sort of soft spot for Dream, who concedes with a very soft, “You’re right. I’m sorry. I’ll stop.” He takes another bite of his protein bar, probably peanut or almond butter, based on the smell. Dream’s favorite, especially for breakfast. Sapnap just sips his water. Until Dream pipes up again, “Can I at least ask one more thing?”
A louder groan falls from Sapnap’s this time, and he turns to fully face Dream, “If you are going to just make fun of me again, I swear to God.”
“No, no, really I just-” Dream shakes his head, reaches forward and places his hand on Sapnap’s thigh. Sapnap’s brain short circuits. “I just want you to be safe. That’s all. I don’t know if you have ever…I don’t know if that’s something you’ve ever done.” He glances towards the bag that sits on the counter, “And I know, okay, I know that google exists but please, please just don’t feel embarrassed to ask me. You would ask me if you needed help, wouldn’t you?”
Would he? Sapnap has to think. This is totally new, totally uncharted territory. He and Dream didn’t really talk about these things, not usually. The most they ever discussed this was when it came to Dream’s work, and that was just general conversation, never anything this specific. He feels a bit put on the spot, but forces himself to remember that this is just Dream. That he has never once hurt him, not like that, and would never embarrass him about something like this. Dream is a spot of safety, always.
“Okay,” Sapnap says softly, “Okay, I will.”
“You promise?”
“Yeah, I promise.”
“Good,” Dream finishes the last bite of his protein bar and crumples up the wrapper, “The booking should be over around 2 probably. Which means I’ll clean up and be back around 3, I think. Let me know if you need anything from the store, I think I’ll stop at the grocery on the way home.”
“Gotcha,” Sapnap says, “Have fun.”
“You know I always do.”
***
The house is quiet. Too quiet. Dream has only been gone for a total of an hour and Sapnap is already huddled in his room. He took time getting his things in order, even made his bed. Why he did so, he isn’t exactly sure. But everything feels like it needs to be just right. The bag that sits right in the middle of the bed has him completely out of his head, and he can’t get himself to move. He’s done everything he can think of in his room, gathered dirty clothes, wiped down the mirror in his bathroom, and of course, made his bed. Now there is nothing left. Just him and the small bag. Inside, something that feels almost dangerous.
Sapnap is no stranger to self pleasure. He’s no stranger to sex in general. But he never, ever, has done something like this. To himself or with someone else. It’s uncharted territory. Something that feels like crossing a line of no return. And of course, there, in the back of his head is Dream. So confident in himself, so experienced. So sure of his sexuality. While Sapnap stands at the foot of his bed and wonders if pleasuring himself like this would change things forever. Maybe these thoughts, the ones of being on the receiving end, the ones of being touched in the way that his partners usually expected him to touch them, maybe those thoughts would become more. Become desires.
He knows of course, that if he can’t get out of his own head, he will never get up the courage to do anything. That Dream’s purchase will go unused, the pretty little gray toy never to see the light of day. It seems as though it would be a goddamn shame.
In a surge of confidence he reaches into the bag and pulls out the neat and clean little white box. It’s small, and he knows the moment he pulls the lid back he will find himself completely lost again, the same way he felt walking around the convention center with Dream yesterday. As if it's an out of body experience. With shaky fingers he reaches forward and lifts the lid, exposing the nicely packaged toy. It’s exactly how he remembers it, small, with a wider head, more weight at one side, the base flared so nicely, so evenly.
He takes it into his hands gently, runs his fingers over the smooth silicone. It’s soft and honestly, Sapnap has to force himself to calm down. Just from this, the build up, the nerves, he feels himself being pulled forward quickly, feels blood rushing down, thoughts swimming through his head uncontrollably. In the bag beside the box is a small bottle of lube. He picks that up too, turns the bottle over in his hands a few times.
It’s slow, and almost methodical as he undresses himself. He’s alone, painfully so, but somehow he feels on display, so exposed. It takes a few moments for him to get comfortable on his bed, his hands still holding the two objects gently at each side. His dick is already interested in the idea, half hard on his lower abdomen.
It’s now or never , he thinks. Now or never .
If undressing himself was slow then this, this is somehow more drawn out. The lube top pops as it opens, and he smears just two digits in the slick substance, running it over his fingers again and again as if to become better acquainted with it. His chest rises and falls quickly, nerves still singing in anticipation.
He lets the hand still holding the toy drop it by his right hip, uses the now free hand to grasp himself, pumping just a few times to peak his interest further. He’s hard in the matter of moments, takes the waves of pleasure to reach down with his other hand, still slick with the lube, and he touches himself, right on his rim. His body reacts almost immediately, hips bucking up without any intent.
Sapnap clenches his eyes shut, unable to believe the position he has himself in, can’t help the way the fantasies start to develop right away. The way it feels, the way his body reacts.
He rubs his fingers gently along the rim, just testing the way it feels. Once he gains confidence in his movements, he uses his index finger and pushes forward, just slightly. The second he feels his finger inside of himself his vision seems to go white, everything in his brain just stops, and he focuses just on the feeling.
What if the finger wasn’t his?
He pushes his finger in deeper, slowly, so slowly. A gasp falls from his lips as the pressure somehow hurts and feels good at the exact same time. He wonders what the toy will feel like if this is already taking him apart.
Using his free hand he returns to his cock, pumping it in time with his slow and meaningful movements. Things are building fast, nearly too fast. And in a moment of bliss his mind wanders, pictures Dream between his legs.
Sapnap has never sat up so fast in his life. He wipes the lube from his hand onto his stomach, throws the bottle and the toy back into the bag and walks straight to his bathroom to shower, ignoring how hard and tall his dick stands, ignoring the way his heart is racing and certainly, certainly forgetting how good he feels.
Dream is not his.
This is not his world.
***
It’s the late afternoon when Dream returns home from work. He’s wearing different clothes than when he left earlier in the morning, but that’s nothing new. Sapnap always wonders where they go, but never has enough courage to ask. He’s about to ask Dream what he wants for dinner when the other beats him to speaking first.
“So, how was it?”
Sapnap is confused immediately, finds himself turning around, “How was what ?”
“The toy,” Dream says so matter of factly, “You did use it the second I left, didn’t you?”
It’s infuriating, how well Dream knows him. The emotions that flood Sapnap are a mixture between anger and embarrassment, and he drops his head like he always does, feeling a bit defeated. It takes him a moment before he musters, “I didn’t use it.”
“You didn’t use it? Really?” Dream’s eyebrows are raised in intrigue, “Why not? I thought the second I was out the door you would be running to your room.”
Sapnap doesn’t know what to say. Is he really going to admit the reality to Dream? Is he really going to have this conversation with him at all? Besides, Dream is the reason that Sapnap had to stop. He’s the reason that Sapnap got all up in his head and couldn’t do everything he wanted to do, everything he intended to do to himself. Is talking to Dream really going to help this problem? He groans and drops his head into his hands. It had been years since Dream had become a professional in his industry. Why, now of all times, is this happening? Why is Sapnap imagining Dream in this way? He has had years to imagine Dream in every skimpy outfit, compromising position. And now, only now, he has somehow worked his way into Sapnap’s head.
He never should have gone to the convention.
“I just couldn’t.” Sapnap finally says.
Dream walks over to him where he sits on the couch and falls beside him, “What do you mean?”
What is happening?
“I tried. I just-” Sapnap can hardly believe that he is speaking, can hardly believe that words are coming out of his mouth, “I tried. I just got all in my head and I just…I couldn't, okay? Really I-”
“Woah,” Dream says, “Hey, calm down, babe. It’s okay. You’re okay. It happens.”
Babe.
Sapnap’s ears start to ring.
“It’s a big step. I understand, sometimes you just get into your own head and things feel really hard. It happens with sex a lot. More than you might imagine.”
“Don’t, okay?” Sapnap bites back, “Don’t talk to me like that. I’m not…I’m not…Don’t talk to me like I’m so innocent. Like I don’t understand anything.”
“I’m not talking to you like anything,” Dream pushes, his green eyes trained on Sapnap’s, “I’m being serious. I sometimes get into my own head too. Literally, it happened to me last week.”
“What?”
Dream laughs, “Yeah, I had a shoot for a video and got so in my head that we had to postpone for the following day.” Memories peak, and Sapnap remembers Dream’s early arrival home last Tuesday, followed by him going straight to his room. He didn’t come back out for at least a few hours. Sapnap had thought something had happened, but never expected that it had been an issue with work. “Headspace matters, okay? And if it’s not feeling right, that’s okay. You shouldn’t try to force it.”
Sapnap is both comforted by Dream’s words but also somehow frustrated further. He lets out an exasperated sigh and shakes his head slowly, “I just don’t know why I couldn't get myself to do it.”
The words come out so confidently, despite being a bold faced lie.
“Well, talk me through it.” Dream says softly.
“You’re kidding.”
“I’m not,” He pushes, “But only if you’re comfortable to tell me.”
In the matter of days, in the matter of hours , their relationship has completely changed. How had they gotten to this moment? Sapnap has barely been able to digest the past few hours in his own head, much less Dream’s head. And even though the change should feel scary, even though he should want to run away and hide in his room, he doesn't. He wants to talk to Dream. He wants Dream to help him. He is glued to the couch like it’s the only place he can be, feels the warmth between their bodies building. His brain is off the tracks again, heading in a new direction.
Fear is there too, that if he keeps letting Dream into this part of his life, he won’t be able to keep him out ever again.
“It’s embarrassing.” Sapnap mumbles.
Dream is quick to reply, “I can assure you, whatever it is, I have done something more embarrassing.”
“That’s not true.”
“No?” Dream laughs, “How about my third video shoot ever? I’m sure I never told you about it. I already had two filmings under my belt and was feeling so confident. Maybe too confident. They asked if I was comfortable doing a threesome. And you know what? I said yes, so proudly , without even blinking. When I got there… I don’t know what I was expecting, but with two different people all over me I came in like, four minutes. It was completely humiliating.” Sapnap can’t help but to laugh, real and loud and honest. Dream joins in easily. “See? And every single person on the set was so kind to me. No one made fun of me, even if some of them chuckled. They have all been there too. Just like I told you at the convention the other day. It’s just sex. It’s human, and we can only do so much. It’s supposed to be fun. It’s supposed to feel good.”
It’s the most of a story Sapnap has ever gotten about Dream at work. It’s somehow not surprising and extremely surprising at the same time. There is also a part of Sapnap that wonders, if Dream does threesomes, is there anything he doesn’t do?
He has to stop thinking about it.
“What I’m trying to say is,” Dream continues, “I care about you more than anything in the entire world. And if strangers don’t make fun of me, then I’m not going to make fun of you.”
Sapnap mulls everything over in his head, feels like the amount of thinking he is doing has smoke coming from his ears. Finally, he speaks.
“Well, I got myself undressed, and…I grabbed the lube. I just, I’ve never done anything like that before. Everything felt a bit weird.”
“You’re not a virgin, are you?” Dream asks. And the tone is so gentle, so even and measured.
“No, not like that. But I mean, kinda . I’ve never had someone touch me there before. Do you know what I mean?” Words feel so difficult.
“I know what you’re saying,” Dream says, “You know, even straight guys sometimes like it.”
“Dream,” Sapnap scolds, pushes into the body beside him on the couch roughly.
“I’m serious!” He laughs, “I say that because, well, I thought maybe the reason you had a mental block was because you started questioning…I don’t know. Maybe you were questioning your sexuality, or worrying about that.”
It’s not necessarily false. But it also wasn’t the reason Sapnap had stopped. “I don’t know. I think I’m okay with that. I’ve always left the door open. Always kind of suspected I went both ways.”
Dream takes a moment to consider Sapnap’s answer. Then, “Did you hurt yourself?” The questions continue.
A deep blush covered Sapnap’s cheeks, “No, I mean. It wasn’t comfortable, necessarily, but it was…” Just thinking about it, the way it felt, the way it made his body react, fills him with lust. He clenches his hands into fists at his sides.
“Oh my God,” Dream sits up off the back of the couch and gets closer to Sapnap. Maybe too close. “You got all in your head because you liked it so much, didn’t you?”
Sapnap can’t find his words.
“Did you at least finish?” Dream is grinning ear to ear, “Even though you didn’t get to use the toy?”
Sapnap shakes his head numbly, “No, I just…I didn’t. I couldn’t . I just took a cold shower.”
The way Dream looks at him is going to set him on fire this time for sure.
“Sapnap, I’m about to offer something, and I want you to be completely honest, and answer only from your heart, okay?”
“Okay?” Sapnap’s voice seems like a question. Fear fills him, starting in his toes.
“I will help you, the first time if you would like. So you don’t have to be nervous about doing it to yourself. If you want me to, I’ll help you.”
Yeah, it’s official.
Sapnap is sure that he’s living in some sort of alternate reality.
***
The world moves both slow and fast. The night drags on heavily. Sapnap hadn’t answered Dream, not really. Left the answer so open, so vague, everything now feels like a question. There was no real wonder of what Sapnap really wanted. Of course he wanted Dream to be there, to touch him, to help him feel that unbearable pleasure. But that worried side of him was still there. Letting Dream continue to make an appearance in this part of his life was maybe just asking for trouble, maybe flying too close to the sun.
Things like this were normal for Dream. He was used to being there for people in that way, helping them, watching them and guiding them towards the brink of pleasure. But it was different for Sapnap, and he isn’t sure about his own capacity to separate everything in his head properly. After all, since the convention his head has been a trainwreck.
Everything is off.
Maybe, Sapnap thinks absently, maybe Dream will forget he ever offered.
***
The toy stays in its box on the top of Sapnap’s dresser. He knows, he should put it away. But he doesn’t know where to store it, and if he’s being totally honest with himself, he likes being able to see it. Plus, every person in the house knows about the toy already. It’s not as if it’s a secret.
It’s a few days after the convention that the toy really starts to taunt him. It’s so close, so within reach. Everything Sapnap has been fantasizing about literally sits in the little white box. Every once in a while he finds himself staring at it, or thinking about it.
It starts becoming too much to handle.
Finally, Friday rolls around and Sapnap doesn’t feel like he can take it any longer. That same mantra fills his head, the same thing he told himself the first time he tried this on his own. There is no more waiting. He won’t let this go to waste. He won’t deny himself of this. Just like Dream said, it’s human. It’s okay to want. It’s okay to like.
It’s now or never.
Sapnap grabs the white box in his hands gently, stares at his door and teeters on the edge of desire. Dream’s room is right across the hall, he knows the other is in there, surely just watching television or playing a video game. All it would take is a simple knock and he’s sure the other would come running. He had been so gentle, so eager when he offered the other day. But could Sapnap really get himself to take him up on it? Would it ruin things, change things even more than they were already changing?
Did it matter?
Sapnap is about to put the box back down, thoughts swarming through his head like hornets, too much noise and too many thoughts. It’s just too much, the mental block making it all seem so unappetizing. But then, he realizes that the door of his room is open, and standing in the doorway is Dream, an unreadable expression on his face.
“Sapnap,” His voice is low, a bit rough around the edges. Sapnap has never heard him like that before.
“I, well, I was just-” Sapnap doesn’t know what he’s saying. Not at all. Not really. As if he was trying to come up for an excuse as to why he holds the white box.
“I’m here,” Dream says softly, stating the obvious, “Do you want me…do you want me to stay?”
Yes, fuck, yes.
Everything is too much, and Sapnap is tired of fighting it.
“Yeah,” His own voice is so broken when he speaks, some kind of desperate and defeated admittance. It’s raw and somehow pushes everything forward again. Dream nods and takes a few steps towards the smaller, reaching out with his large hands, wrapping his fingers softly around Sapnap’s biceps.
Dream tilts his head ever so slightly, “I’m not going to undress at all, alright? I’ll just be here to help you, guide you, or do it for you if you need help.”
All Sapnap can do is nod. They move slowly towards his bed, and the box shifts from Sapnap’s hands into Dream’s. It’s gentle, and somehow not terrifying in the way Sapnap had thought it might be. Things feel good, the movements, the touch, the way Dream looks at him with his eyelids a bit hooded. They move in unison somehow, and when Sapnap is on his back on the bed, still clothed but feeling a bit exposed, their eyes lock. He feels like his heart is going to jump right out of him, break through his ribs, tear him in two. There is nothing in the entire world that has felt like this, nothing that could even compare.
“Do you want to undress yourself?” Dream asks, as if it’s the most simple thing in the world, and not something that simply ignites the other. “Or do you want me to help?”
Help me. Do it. Touch me, Dream.
“I-I can,” Sapnap manages, shifting slowly. His fingers are trembling as they move towards his sweatpants, pulling them down to his ankles. Despite Sapnap’s ownership of undressing himself, Dream reaches forward too, gently tugs the pants off of his ankles and discards them at the end of the bed. With just his boxers left on his bottom half, he already feels naked, Dream’s presence making everything seem heavier, everything more intense. He can’t even find it in himself to be embarrassed that he’s half hard again, just at the build up, just at the prospect of what is to come. “Should I…do I-”
“Don’t overthink,” Dream hushes, moving up the bed slightly and hovering over Sapnap. He’s on all fours, positioning himself in a way that seems to totally cover the smaller frame beneath him, “Whatever you want to do is okay. Anything. Shirt on, or off. Slow or fast. You say so and I’ll make it happen, babe.”
Babe. Not again.
“My boxers,” Sapnap whispers, “You can…can you…” He doesn't even finish the sentence, doesn’t even finish the request before the other is moving. The cold tips of Dream’s fingers catch right on the inside of the waistline, skin against skin so good, too good on his lower abdomen. He pauses there for just a moment before starting to pull the boxers off. It takes no time at all for them to be discarded on the floor along with the sweat pants. Once again, just like before, everything that seemed like it was going to be so overwhelming just doesn’t feel that hard at all. Even as he lays, completely exposed on his bed for Dream to see, he can’t find it in himself to care. And maybe he’ll care later, or some point in the future. But right now, right here, it feels so good, so right. Nothing else matters.
He half expects Dream to make a comment, good or bad or joking. But he doesn’t. Instead he looks up to Sapnap’s face and makes the most endearing smile Sapnap has ever witnessed. He swears his heart actually swells, feels his stomach twist.
“Still okay?” Dream checks, his hands settling around Sapnap’s hips.
Sapnap nods, “Definitely.”
“Good.” Dream pulls the box from the foot of the bed and puts it in his lap. It’s a bit weird, that Dream is still fully clothed while Sapnap is the exact opposite, save for his shirt which has ridden up to expose nearly up to his chest. But Sapnap doesn’t think on it too much.“Do you want to start? And I’ll just help if you need it? Or do you want me to…to get it started? Take the lead?”
The generosity feels outrageous somehow. Sapnap isn’t sure what he wants, isn’t sure what he needs, he just knows that he needs something and he needs it now. The build up of the entire week, the fantasies, the thoughts that have plagued him are finally going to be answered, to be satisfied. They need to be.
“I don’t know,” He answers, as honestly as he can, hoping that Dream will take the lead, that he will let his experience do the talking without having to be asked.
Of course, he does.
“Tell me if you need me to stop,” Dream says, his tone so serious, “Anything at all and it’s over before you can even blink.”
Sapnap trusts Dream with his entire life.
Hands move from his hips down to his thighs and lift his legs, bending them to expose him more. Sapnap cranes his neck, can’t help but to look and watch everything that’s happening as close as he possibly can. Dream’s hands find the small bottle of lube, spread a generous amount on his fingers, before looking back towards Sapnap.
“I’m going to go slow. Really, really slow.”
Sapnap isn’t going to complain, doesn’t think any of those words would even be in his vocabulary if he tried.
At first, it feels the same way that it did the other day. Different, a little out of place, but not bad. Cold, if anything, the lube still chilled from sitting out. But as Dream’s fingers explore his rim, the same way he had, the movements seem to move in perfect time, to touch such sensitive places. It sends shocks through Sapnap’s system, overwhelming his brain, his body. Dream has yet to even push one finger in, and Sapnap’s cock sits now fully hard against his stomach. Each touch sends him completely reeling.
“Breathe,”
The command is simple and light. Sapnap obliges. Takes a deep and calming breath, and as he exhales, he feels Dream push one finger into him so slow, steady and measured. Sapanp’s breathing hitches, his chest then rising and falling rapidly now, more violently. He isn’t sure if it’s in nerves or excitement at first, but then Dream’s finger moves, pulses ever so timidly, and Sapnap is gone.
“ Ah, oh my God ,” He throws his head back onto his pillows, entire body giving into the feelings that roll through him, tidal waves, destroying everything in their wake. His hips move on their own accord, so nervously at first, then with more confidence. Dream’s unoccupied hand grabs his hip suddenly, a little more sternly than any other touch so far.
“Slow down,” Dream says, the authority in his tone something so new, something so treasured, “Listen to me. Slow down.”
“ I-I, ah, fuck ,” Sapnap tries to listen, tries to do as he’s told. But the feelings are getting away from him, too fast.
“If you don’t slow down, it’s going to hurt. Take a deep breath, Sap. It’s going to keep feeling good. It’s not going to go away.” The hand on his hip becomes a true controlling grip now, making it feel nearly impossible for Sapnap’s hips to move. Of course, he can only abide by Dream’s rules now, forces himself to relax his hips as Dream takes full control of the movements.
The finger starts going deeper inside Sapnap, touching places that start to feel different. Things start to feel less like a mixture of pain and pleasure, instead, opting for pleasure alone. Moans start spilling from Sapnap’s lips completely unashamed, unable to control anything going on, his brain so intent on the way he feels , and nothing else.
“I’m going to add another, okay?” Dream asks, nearly a whisper.
“ Please ,” it comes out as a beg, and Sapnap has never, ever, heard his voice do anything like that, never heard himself diminished to nothing but a single shred of desperation.
The second finger doesn’t feel as nice, instead, a short and sharp searing fills his hips. He feels himself tremble at the pain slightly, feels Dream’s movements pause. The hand on his left hip becomes softer, and the thumb that dances along the crest of his bone starts to rub soothing circles. It drive Sapnap mad.
“Take another deep breath,” Dream commands, “It’ll feel good again. Give it a moment. Breathe.”
Following Dream’s orders feels like the easiest thing in the world. How was this easier than self pleasure? How was this somehow easier than doing this to himself? The questions are ebbed from his brain as Dream pushes both fingers deeper. A groan is stolen from Sapnap’s lips, and he wants more. Can barely wait for things to feel like they were before. He reaches forward a bit shyly and grabs his dick, pumping himself slowly, pulling the pleasure back to the surface.
“What a good boy.”
Sapnap’s vision fills with red, his hips buck completely involuntarily, up into his own fist and then down again onto Dream’s fingers. “ Holy fuck ,” he gasps, unable to mentally understand anything that just happened to him, the way he reacted to those four little words. Instead, just lets it keep happening. And he would let it keep happening, every moment, every day for the rest of his life if I meant feeling that good. If it meant hearing those words from Dream’s lips.
“You like that, huh?” Of course, Dream teases. It wouldn’t be him if he didn’t.
Sapnap feels like he has to warn, “Dream.”
“ Okay, okay ,”
The blonde goes back to his focus. The fingers start to feel different, spreading, stretching, pulling every single moan right from Sapnap’s lips. It goes on for what feels like an eternity. Sapnap becomes totally lost in the pleasure, forgets everything, forgets the man who holds his hips, forgets his own self, lost in the sheets and the way warmth touches every part of him.
“I think we can switch to the toy now, okay?”
All Sapnap can do is nod frantically, “Yes, please. I…I feel-” A hand suddenly grabs Sapnap’s wrist, pulls his hand away from his cock. Sapnap whines without thought.
“If you want to be able to enjoy the toy, you need to stop touching yourself. You already seem so close.”
Sapnap doesn’t know how Dream reads him so well. Maybe it’s his experience watching other people get pulled apart like this. Maybe it’s how well he knows Sapnap as a person. But either way, he’s right, despite how frustrated it makes Sapnap feel. He lets his hand drop to the side of his body, grabs the sheets instead, determined to have something to hold onto.
He stares up at the ceiling then, trying to do everything in his power to keep himself together.
“We’ll do the same thing again,” Dream says, grabbing the gray toy from the box and turning it over in his hands, “Nice and slow. Don’t rush it.”
Dream takes his word seriously. If his fingers had been a slow stretch then this, this was much more than that. Every second feels like five, minutes like hours, and the way that the toy feels is inexplicable. Somehow soft, perfectly rounded, it’s edges stretching him in a way that feels completely immaculate.
And then, finally, fucking finally, it slides all the way inside of him, only stopping because of the flared base. He feels himself adjust to it, his body seeming to swallow the toy.
“I-I, Dream, I-”
“Are you okay?” Dream asks immediately, moving closer towards Sapnap’s face to see him better.
“Yes, yes, I just , I need-”
“Breathe,” Dream reminds him, “Let me make you feel good.”
The phrasing of the words sends Sapnap’s brain into a spiral again, and he feels like he’s going to lose his cool when Dream at last pushes the button on the bottom of the toy. It starts to vibrate right away, and Sapnap can’t control the way his body reacts. His walls constrict around the toy, pulling it somehow deeper inside of him. It touches a spot, something totally new, complete euphoria taking over.
“ Oh fuck ,” Sapnap sobs out, tears starting to spill onto his cheeks. He hadn’t even realizes tears were building there, “ Oh fuck , what is that, what is that? ”
“Your prostate,” Dream replies simply, letting his hands grab Sapnap’s hips again, holding him down, “Feels good?”
“Yes, yes, it feels so good . Holy shit, Dream I need- ” Sapnap is reaching forward with his hand, intent on grabbing his dick and pumping himself to completion, desperate to chase his orgasm blindly, to chase it as quickly as he can. But before he is able to grab himself, before he can even get a taste of the friction along his length, Dream is grabbing both of his wrists and pinning them to the mattress below him. “Dream?” Sapnap asks, in shock, in surprise.
“Do you trust me?”
“Dream, I-”
“ I said, ” Dream repeats, “Do you trust me? Can I do something?”
The words echo around in Sapnap’s skull. Each second he isn’t touching his cock the vibrations that fill his lower core push him further towards some sort of breaking point, some sort of cliff. He can’t hold himself back, can’t understand the way the feelings build. That special spot inside of him is rubbed against again and again, each time his body twists, his mouth opens, lips spread as uncontrollable moans fill the room.
He finally forces himself to say, “I trust you.”
And it’s completely, heartbreakingly true. He trusts Dream with everything he has.
Dream’s hands stay on his wrists, holding him back from what he wants, from gaining friction and pulling himself towards his orgasm. He can’t help but to think that Dream is trying to prolong this, trying to see how long it can play out. But after a few more minutes of indulging in the vibrations, things start to shift. He feels a slow build, and his cock starts to twitch, pools of precum smearing underneath his belly button. He can’t move too much, completely under Dream’s control, and somehow, completely okay with that.
“I think I need to cum,” Sapnap lets himself admit, “It feels, Dream , I don’t-”
“You can,” Dream smiles down on him. Sapnap looks at him for the first time in a while, having been too caught up in his own feelings to much of anything else. But Dream looks like a God, the way he hovers above him. Sapnap can’t breathe right, wishes he had been paying more attention to Dream throughout.
“No, I can’t, I need to -”
“Don’t you feel it?” Dream asks, squeezing his wrists lightly. Sapnap feels something, right below his skin, licking and taunting him. “Give into it, babe. Let the toy take you right over the edge.”
“Dream, Dream, oh my God ,” The vibrations pulse so steadily, and his walls start to spasm. His entire body starts to shake, and before he even realizes what is happening, Sapnap is shaking, body convulsing roughly as he cums, streaks of white coating all the way up to his chest. His vision becomes altered, his entire body continues to quake, and slowly, slowly, the vibrations that fill his core start to feel like too much, too much, too much.
Sapnap starts to squirm, his body suddenly exhausted, everything ripping away too fast, too hard. But Dream is there, his fingers quick to silence the vibrations that fill him.
Hands grab his shoulders gently, and Dream’s face appears above Sapnap’s again, a small and loving smile plastered on his lips.
“Are you okay?” He asks immediately, eyebrows knitted in genuine concern. At first, Sapnap isn’t sure that he can speak. Everything feels like too much. But he lets his body shift, lets his hands go to Dream, where they catch on the hem of his shirt.
He nods slowly, “Yeah.”
“Good,” Dream really smiles now.
The world starts to crash down, reality returning heavily. If Sapnap wasn’t so tired the thoughts would surely ruin him. But right now, euphoria still running rampant through him, he can’t do anything but wipe the tears from his cheeks and say, “Thank you.”
“Don’t thank me,” Dream smirks beautifully, “You were the one putting on such a wonderful show.”