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Nervously, Atsushi checks his bag again. He thinks he has everything. A toothbrush, an extra pair of underwear, a turtleneck for the next day, socks and something to wear to sleep. There seems to be nothing he is missing, at least nothing that is a necessity.
Still, Atsushi can’t help but feel like he forgot something.
It’s the first time he is spending the night at Akutagawa’s place. Ever since that stormy kiss.,,
It was a heated moment in a dark alleyway, right after Atsushi vented all the conflicting emotions he felt out of his system. Emotions regarding the late mafia boss, emotions that only Akutagawa’s ears could hear and understand. But also emotions and sentiments he felt towards Akutagawa.
It all happened so fast, the kiss, the whispered promises, the uncharacteristically gentle touches and soft spoken voice. At first Atsushi wasn’t even sure if it was real.
But it was definitely real. Definitely is real.
Neither of them knew how to go about it, now that their feelings were reciprocated. Neither of them ever really felt like that before, affection and care for someone that isn’t as close as family. But neither of them wanted to let it end in untold words and wasted times. Not after what happened with Dazai.
So they decided to try seriously.
Or at least what they thought was serious.
Whatever serious is, it’s enough to bring Atsushi to the point he is now.
A sleepover.
Not only is it the first sleepover at Akutagawa’s place, no, it’s Atsushi’s first sleepover at anyone’s place. Atsushi doesn’t have friends and his childhood wasn’t particularly normal. So he never had the chance to stay over at someone’s place.
Now, the first time that he gets to sleep over, it’s at Akutagawa’s place. His lover.
The word still feels odd, lover. Boyfriend is fitting too, probably. Partner, maybe? Atsushi isn’t sure. They are many things, lovers and boyfriends and partners, probably many other things too.
Does it really need to have a name? They are just them. That’s enough for Atsushi.
Still, the sleepover has a label. A first label and Atsushi isn’t sure if he is actually ready for it.
There was no one he could ask about it. Kyouka wouldn’t know and it’s Gin’s brother. Chuuya is way too occupied with himself and other than that Atsushi actually doesn’t want to share his struggles with anyone. So all he has is a crappy online search result that brought him to a list of things he needs to take with him to school camp.
Atsushi isn’t quite sure why they decided on the ADA dorms to be the place where said sleepover should happen. It would make much more sense to hold it at Atsushi’s apartment, after all, he has lived alone ever since Kyouka moved out. Meanwhile Akutagawa—
Well, Akutagawa lives with the entire agency. Those poor bastards.
Still, Atsushi gets on his way, bag packed with the supposed essentials for a sleepover. He isn’t sure if he actually has anything he really needs, but at the end of the day, does it matter?
Probably not.
Akutagawa already awaits him in front of the ADA office building, impatiently tapping his foot against the concrete stone of the pavement.
“Finally,” he sighs when he sees Atsushi approach him in the fading light of the setting sun.
“I am not late.”
“You aren’t early either.”
Atsushi eyes his partner, boyfriend, unsure of what he is supposed to do now. Should he hug him? Or maybe—
No, that would be a little too much, especially in public.
“Ready?” He asks Akutagawa instead.
“I’ve been for a while.”
It seems as if Akutagawa is way more excited about this than Atsushi is. Not that Atsushi isn’t excited, it’s just the anxiety that is overpowering the excitement.
Why does it have to be like this?
Lastly, when Atsushi is sitting on the tatami mat of Akutagawa’s room, after a quiet walk to the dorms, legs crossed and a cup of hot tea in his hands, he remembers why he is anxious.
It’s his neck.
How is he going to sleep with that damn thing on? Because, if he takes it off, Akutagawa will see and then—
Then he will see them and judge him, won’t he?
“You seem nervous,” Akutagawa mentions.
“It’s just—” Atsushi attempts, unsure of how to approach the subject.
“You can tell me, you know.”
Akutagawa reaches out, placing his hand on top of Atsushi’s. It takes more effort than Atsushi anticipated to not flinch away. He shouldn’t be this worried about it.
“About the sleeping arrangements,” Atsushi mumbles, not getting to the point.
“You can sleep in my futon.”
“Where do you sleep?”
“I was thinking—” Akutagawa starts, suddenly hesitating. “I mean, if you are not okay with it I guess I can—”
“No,” Atsushi stops him. “I mean, it’s okay. We can— share. ”
There is a small smile ghosting over Akutagawa’s face at the words.
“I would very much like that.”
Atsushi looks at him. Although the lights are dimmed down, he can still see the slight blush on the other’s cheek. Atsushi decides that it’s cute to see Akutagawa embarrassed.
“I would like that too,” Atsushi reassures, lacing their fingers together now.
“We should probably get ready then.”
With that the detective gets up, placing his dirty mug into the kitchen sink, before marching over to the futon. Atsushi watches Akutagawa as he fluffs up the sheets and gets out his pajamas.
Without a worry in the world Akutagawa starts stripping out of his clothes. As much as Atsushi is mortified and wants to look away, he can’t help but stare because —
Well, he is his boyfriend, so Atsushi at least finds him that bit good looking. Can’t really blame him, right?
Still, when Akutagawa starts pulling down his pants Atsushi tears his gaze away. He doesn’t want to be disrespectful.
“Don’t you want to change?”
Atsushi turns his head to face Akutagawa again. At the sight he gasps in surprise.
Akutagawa is wearing a baby blue matching set of pajamas. The garment is covered in red, green and dark blue cars. Anything from buses to offroad cars can be found on the garment.
“What is that?” Atsushi asks, surprise in his voice.
Akutagawa looks down at himself. “It’s— Is it not good?”
“It’s fine. ”
Of course it’s fine. Akutagawa can wear whatever he wants to sleep. Still, all Atsushi has is a pair of jogging pants and a black t-shirt. Not whatever this is.
Are his pajama standards so low compared to Akutagawa’s?
“I have other ones too,” Akutagawa mentions sheepishly.
Atsushi gives him a skeptical look. “More cars?”
“There are some with flowers and others with cows.”
“Hard to believe,” Atsushi says, holding back a chuckle.
He shouldn’t have said that, definitely not, because Akutagawa jumps up at the words, heading towards his wardrobe. It doesn’t take long for him to get out a green set with brown cows on it.
“Here.”
Atsushi takes the garments into his fingers, inspecting the tiny animals on it.
“Impressive,” he whispers absentmindedly.
There is an almost triumphant smile on Akutagawa’s face. “Right?”
Atsushi glances at his boyfriend. Maybe this isn’t that bad, after all, Atsushi never really had the option to choose his own pajamas.
“Would you mind if I—?”
“You want to wear them?” Akutagawa’s voice raises in excitement.
“If you are okay with it. I mean, we are almost the same size, and I didn’t really take something with me so I thought —”
“Of course!” Akutagawa interrupts. “Put it on! I want to see what you look like in it.”
Atsushi pulls his turtleneck over his head, immediately regretting it as he feels the fabric tuck on the collar around his neck. He winces as the burn seeps into his body and slows down his movements to avoid any more irritation.
Then he places the sweater to the side, sitting topless, with only the spiked collar around his neck, across from the other.
“Are you alright?” Akutagawa asks hesitantly.
Atsushi, suddenly hyper aware of not only his body being exposed but his scars too, pulls the sweater against his chest.
“Yes,” he huffs.
“Is it about the collar?”
Atsushi glances at Akutagawa. How can someone who is so dense at times also be so sensitive and empathetic? It makes no sense to Atsushi, but it’s exactly that what draws him to Akutagawa, amongst a few other things he adores about the other.
“Yes.” Atsushi’s voice is merely a whisper now.
He is embarrassed about being vulnerable as much as he is worried. But there is no point in keeping it to himself anymore. Isn’t the point of a relationship to share these things with each other?
“Can I—?” Akutagawa scoots closer, fingers reaching out to Atsushi’s neck.
Atsushi tilts his head to the side, allowing the other access to the collar. Akutagawa’s fingers are delicate as they open up the buckles on the leather band. Carefully the detective pulls the spurs out of Atsushi’s skin, only leaving behind the burning ache of the open wounds.
With a quiet thud he places the leather onto the tatami floor. Then there is just silence, neither Atsushi nor Akutagawa knowing what to say next.
Maybe it’s finally Atsushi’s time of judgment. The moment Akutagawa says that he doesn’t want to be with someone who harms himself to this degree. That he isn’t interested in putting him back together simply because he is broken.
It’s not until the fingers trace along the base of Atsushi’s neck that he allows himself to look at the other.
“I am sorry,” Atsushi starts, voice trembling.
He isn’t sure what he is apologizing for. Is it the fact that he is subjecting Akutagawa to all his pain? Is it the way he isn’t able to hold himself back unless he does this to himself? Maybe it’s both, maybe something else.
But Aktuagawa shakes his head.
“I am sorry that you have to do this,” he whispers, sliding closer.
It’s startling, when Akutagawa wraps his arms around Atsushi. Honestly, it’s the last thing the mafioso expected. Who goes and hugs the White Reaper of the Port Mafia out of nowhere. Of course Akutagawa would. Because Akutagawa never cared, not once.
And Atsushi lets him hold onto him. It’s comforting to be held, especially in a moment like that. A moment where Atsushi feels naked and exposed. A moment where only a slight change in his mood could unleash the beast.
Even knowing all that, Akutagawa still holds on to him, not caring about it. Trusting him.
The kiss Akutagawa presses against Atsushi’s naked shoulder is featherlight, but a kiss nonetheless.
Atsushi exhales a shaky breath at the contact, attempting to exhale the anxiety and worry with it. He allows himself to be embraced and held, he allows himself to relax and not worry anymore.
When Akutagawa loosens his grip on him, his fingers come up to cup Atsushi’s cheeks. The kiss is insistent, reassuring, right onto Atsushi’s lips.
“You’re okay,” Akutagawa whispers, kissing him again.
Atsushi responds with a kiss instead of words. He wants to say so many things, how he feels, how he isn’t okay, how this isn’t okay. But he knows that Akutagawa is right.
The detective finds a clean bandage in one of his cabinets and settles down behind Atsushi to wrap his neck with the gauze. It’s slow and calming, letting the other take care of him like that. It’s one worry less that Atsushi needs to deal with.
It’s not until they are both lying in Akutagawa’s futon, dressed in silly pajamas, that Atsushi finally manages to shake the last bit of worry that was gnawing in the back of his mind.
It’s okay, this is okay.
Being in someone’s arm, being cared for, being loved. Atsushi deserves it, too.
Although he knows he still has a long way to go before he can fully understand that it’s alright to be him, Atsushi finds sleep in the comfort of Akutagawa’s arms that night.
It’s the first one of many nights he spends at the ADA dorms. Sometimes he’s there because he doesn’t want to be alone, too scared of his demons haunting him, cuddled up in Akutagawa’s arms and listening to the mantra of reassuring whispers. Other times Atsushi is there because he wants to, because he deserves this. And sometimes Atsushi just goes because Akutagawa really wanted him to come.
At the end of each day, no matter why Atsushi is there, all that matters is right next to him. A reassurance that he can only find in the other, and Akutagawa can only find in him.