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They needed to do this more often - just getting out and relaxing. Between keeping their civvie IDs in check and being a hero, a lot of them were wiped - Dick more than most. His nighttime schedule did not meld well with the waking world. It was nice for all of them to just meet up and not have to worry about their next mission.
Dick and Wally met everyone at a local bar at Happy Harbor long after the sun went down. M’gann, ever the angel waiting for everyone outside, waved them down and went in for hugs. “I know it hasn’t been too long Wally, but N - it’s been forever!”
Dick chuckled but gave her a squeeze back. It was really only a month where he was on a mission with Batman but it did feel a lot longer. “How’ve ya been, M’gann?”
“Doing great now that we got the gang back together!” she cheered as more members arrived.
“Yo, Kaldur! How’s it been, man. Now /you/ I haven't seen in a sec!” Wally called as he threw an arm over Kaldur’ahm’s shoulders.
“I have been well, thank you,” Kaldur’ahm chuckled, “The perimeter around Atlantis has been secured - or else I wouldn’t have been able to join you all tonight.”
“Well,” Zatanna hummed as she strode forward, “thank goodness for that. This wouldn’t be a real party without our fearless leader!”
The conversations continued as they entered the bar. The place already alive and loud with drinks all around. “So how’s Wyynde?” Wally asked.
Artemis smiled as she slid into the conversation. “Yeah, why isn’t he here?”
“Wyynde is doing well. He had further business in Atlantis. Besides, tonight is for the team.”
Conner was able to shoulder his way through the crowd, securing them a table. With everyone now with drinks, the laughter flowed easily from conversation to conversation. Dick and Wally sat next to each other - of course. Wally wanted to do nothing but talk Dick’s ear off but he knew that would be rude. They lived together and they would go home together; Wally needed to mingle more.
He was just in the middle of explaining a dumb college escapade from a few years ago to Conner when M’gann practically screeched in laughter, “Oh no, Artemis! I can’t do that! HAHAHA!”
Artemis grinned and leaned heavily against the table. “Oh come on, it’s just a game!”
“I’m a married woman, Artemis!” M’gann giggled and clutched her invisible pearls.
“It’s all hypothetical!” Artemis argued with a laugh.
Conner leaned towards the two and chuckled, “What are you talking about that has to do with you being married?”
“I just asked her who she would fuck-marry-kill between Kaldur, Wally, and N. No big deal!” Artemis waved, effectively gaining the attention of the rest of the table.
“Why isn’t Conner in the equation?” M’gann asks as she wipes a tear of laughter from her eye.
“Because you would be boring and choose marry. You’re /already/ married!”
M’gann shot her husband a wink and said, “Oh, I don’t know about that. That first option is still on the table.”
“Wow, remind me to get M’gann drunk more often,” Wally snickers to Dick. Dick covered his mouth so he wouldn’t spit out his drink - which only made Wally laugh more.
“How about I go first - to make you feel better,” Artemis said, as she sat up a little straighter. “Marry Kaldur, fuck N, and kill Wally.”
“Hey!” Wally yelps as the table laughed. “What happened to /us/ Arty? We dated!”
She folded her arms over her chest and smirked. “Hence why I would kill you.”
“... Fair.”
Dick gave Wally a sympathetic pat on the back, which only made Wally feel worse (in a light, joking kind of way).
“Mmmh, I would have to disagree with you there, Artemis,” Zatanna says as she finishes swallowing a swig of her beer. “N seems pretty husband material with him being all motherly towards the team and his family, so marry. Wally looks to be good in bed, so fuck, and sorry Kaldur but kill. No offense.”
“None taken,” he chuckles.
Dick cackled as he said, “And you’re right about Wally being good in bed, if not a little /fast/.”
Wally’s face heated up. “Dude!”
“But he has /great/ stamina.”
“DUDE!” he yells again as he covers Dick’s mouth. To his dismay, everyone laughs. Wally’s brows furrowed. Oh no. He was not going to be the butt of the joke all night. He refused! “How about we get the ladies involved, hm?” Wally turns to Conner. “Fuck-marry-kill between the girls.”
“Easy.” he said with a shrug, “Marry M’gann again, fuck Zatanna, kill Artemis.”
“Whoa, what?” Artemis laughs as she’s taken aback - as were some members of the table.
“Well, I can’t kill my wife and if I killed Zatanna I feel like she would come back to haunt me.”
“Mh, smart choice,” she said as she raised her drink in agreement.
“Kaldur?” Artemis asked with a raised brow.
“Oh,” he started as he raised his hands in surrender. “I do not feel comfortable ranking our friends in such a manner.”
She rolled her eyes but ultimately understood. “Fine, how aboooout-”
“Marvel superheroes, go!” Zatanna excitedly says as she slammed her drink on the table.
“OH! I love those movies!” M’gann claps.
Kaldur’ahm smiled. Satisfied he didn’t have to figurative fuck, marry, or kill one of his friends. “Very well, who will I be picking from?”
“Eh, just pick who you want,” Zatanna says.
“Alright then… Fuck Thor, marry Spider-man, and kill Thanos.”
“Boooo! Everyone wants to kill Thanos. Boring!” Wally cries and throws hypothetical tomatoes at him.
“Fine, fine! Kill…Iron man.”
Everyone is surprised and reels back and exclaims their disagreement in a flurry of boo’s and swears. The negativity didn’t seem to bother Kaldur’ahm though. “I’m sorry,” he said while not sounding sorry at all. “I was not a fan of his character - too brash and reckless for me. I can just imagine him working on our team and I’m already getting a headache.”
“Oh! I wanna do it!” M’gann says as she bounces in her seat. She places a finger on her chin as she thinks, “... Fuck Loki, marry Captain America, and kill Hulk - just because I wanna see if it’s even possible.”
“Solid picks!” Artemis says with a laugh. “Conner?”
He smirks at M’gann and slowly lifts his drink to his lips. “Kill Captain America -” M’gann mock gasps but giggles after a half-second of feigning shock. “Fuck Captain Marvel, and marry Scarlet Witch.”
“Big nope, there Con,” Dick says, “We fuck Captain America in this house! Aaaand marry Black Panther, kill Ant-man.”
Hums and nods of agreement bounce around the table - everyone agreeing that Ant-man is dumb.
“Oh, but what about a certain Quicksilver?” Wally says as he leans in close to Dick’s side with a well-timed eyebrow wiggle.
“Eh, one speedster in my life is enough.” That got a chuckle out of their friends. “I don’t need terrible fast-related puns everywhere I go - oh wait, I already get that,” Dick added and that’s when laughter erupted from the table again.
Wally slumps in his seat. Didn’t he just say he wasn’t going to be the butt of all the jokes tonight? Annoyed at his boyfriend, he decided he would get revenge. Normally, he would never play a card so low. It was risking too much with Dick’s precious identity - he kept that thing a trade secret so much he wore sunglasses to a fucking bar! Wally would never. Normally. He was a bit tipsy now and he wanted Dick to feel his pain. If not a bit worse.
“Alright then. How about we bring this a bit more into the real world?” Wally started as he leaned against the table. “I would kill Jeff Bazos, marry Michelle Obama, and /fuck Bruce Wayne/.”
Dick was mid bringing his drink to his lips when he froze. Even though Wally couldn’t see his eyes, he could tell Dick was throwing him a look. A look that said, /you will regret that later/. Dick quickly schooled his expression while the table erupted in “oooh’s” and agreement - from everyone - well, almost everyone.
“Brucie Wayne! Yes!” Artemis laughs and claps her hands.
“Who?” M’gann asks.
“He’s /the/ rich himbo of Gotham,” Zatanna explains as she pulls out her phone to show M’gann a picture. “I don’t even know why he’s rich, but he’s Gothams resident fuck-boy.”
“Oh! I understand why!” M’gann agrees as Zatanna shows the table a picture of Bruce Wayne on a beach with very short and tight swim trunks. His hair was still wet from, presumably, taking a swim in the ocean. Kaldur’ahm and Conner look at the screen too and nod their heads in agreement.
Dick was mortified and he couldn’t even bury his face in his hands without being suspicious. This was terrible. Wally was dead to him. He didn’t need his friends thirsting over his father. Over /Batman/.
“How old is he? How is he that fit?!” M’gann asks as Zatanna swipes through more images of Bruce smiling for the cameras - fucking /posing/ for the paparazzi.
Dick was clenching his glass so tight he was afraid he was going to shatter in his hands. His expression and other body language were normal but Wally could see a vein straining on his neck. They continued to swipe through some pictures and keep commenting how hot Brucie Wayne is, and Dick dies a little bit on the inside each time.
“Damn, he even looks great in a suit.”
Ugh.
“That jawline though!”
Oh god.
“I know a fuck boy’s gotta be fit, but /damn/.”
Why?!
Dick turns to Wally and mutters through gritted teeth, “Why did you do this?”
Wally leans back in his chair to enjoy Dick’s suffering. “Just a little payback.”
“You’re dead when we get back home.”
“Love you too.”
Dick was about to retort when out of the corner of his eye, he saw Conner looking between them. Dick smiles and tries to play it off as nothing - realizing his acting skills were failing him. A person could only take so much abuse before they broke.
“Oh, who is /this/?” Zatanna purrs. Eyes wander back to Zatanna showing off her phone. Dick, to his dismay, sees none other than himself. It was a gala picture from a few months ago. He was wearing a simple black suit but it was enough to have his friends drooling.
Oh no.
Everyone’s eyes the picture of him (even Conner and Kaldur - god this is terrible). Artemis beams. “Oh! That’s his son. Or, one of his sons. The guy has / a lot/ of kids.”
“They all his?” Conner asks.
“It would make sense if they are, with how much he gets around, but I don’t think so. That one is his oldest… uh, Dick Grayson?”
This is worse. Why is this worse? They already did fuck-mary-kill with himself in the mix, but for some reason when it was they were talking about Dick Grayson when they didn’t realize they were talking about /him/, it was worse! It took every fiber in his being to not just run away and crawl into a hole. He was so embarrassed! It was a miracle his face wasn’t erupting in flames.
“Oh, wow! He’s cute!” M’gann says as she leans closer to the screen.
“He’s not cute. He’s /hot/. That one /has/ to be a byproduct of Brucie - if not I will riot!” Zatanna says, swiping through all the photos of their family. They keep objectifying Dick right to his face and it feels weird.
“Those are some beautiful eyes, damn!”
Thanks, but this is weird.
“He’s just as ripped as Brucie, the fuck?”
He would argue that Bruce is more fit, but this is weird.
“Wow, great ass!”
He knows, but THIS IS WEIRD!
He turned his head towards Wally for help, but was surprised to see his brows furrowed and corners of his mouth downward. Wally was mad - arguably more upset than himself. Why was he angry? Didn’t Wally bring this up? Didn’t he want revenge?
Then it struck him.
Oh.
Wally didn’t like it that they were talking that way about his boyfriend. Well, this is double payback now, and Dick could live with that. He reclined in his chair and decided to dig the hole deeper (for himself and for Wally).
“Fuck-marry-kill?” Dick simply suggested.
“Fuck!” all the girls yell simultaneously, with Kaldur and Conner agreeing.
Dick laughed and proceeded to laugh harder then Wally shot him a look of pleading and anger. He just stuck his tongue out in retaliation.
“Fine, ya wanna do this? Let’s go!” Wally said, pointing an accusatory finger at everyone. “Look up all Brucie’s kids! They’re all good-looking! Let’s rate ‘em to most to least fuckable!”
“Alright! Okay! No way, Wallace! That’s going too far!” Dick yelled, yanking Wally by the shoulder - forcing him to lean back in his chair.
“Oh, what’s wrong, babe? Is something the matter?”
Artemis looks at the two incredulously. “What is wrong with you two? Did you have a fight before you got here? Jeez.”
“No one is rating Bruce’s kids!” Dick ordered.
“Why not?” Zatanna giggled, still scrolling on her phone. “Oh, Jason is it? Hello!”
“NOPE! No! NO! We’re done! WE’RE DONE!” Dick screamed as he swiped Zatanna’s phone from her hands. She exclaimed how rude he was but she wasn’t allowed to look at his siblings like this. He needed to clear the search history. And then burn it. Can he burn this conversation from his brain too?
“Why are you so upset, N, do you know these people?” Kaldur’ahm asked, trying to understand his anger.
Dick decides very quickly that nothing is worth hearing this about his family, and he will take any repercussions the world will inevitably throw at him. He throws his glasses onto the table and points at his face, “I AM THOSE PEOPLE!”
Wally breaks out in hysterical laughter while the team gawks at Dick’s newly revealed face.
Wally got his revenge.
And it was so worth it!