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They’re on the way home from Alpine, in the back of the bus, when she mentions it to Van.
“My parents are going to DC next week,” she mumbles into Van’s sweatshirt. She’s tired—they’ve been up since five—but Jackie’s decided that the ride home should be an all-out ABBA singalong. At first only Misty and Mari were into it, but now Lottie’s serenading “The Winner Takes It All” across the aisle to Nat, who only just stopped acting like she had a cassette in her player. Nat’s grinning stupidly and nodding along, her brows raised. Even Shauna breaks her facade to watch, closing Wuthering Heights in her lap.
Taissa’s pretending too—to be asleep, or at least that she’s more drowsy than she actually is—mostly so she can lay claim to Van’s shoulder. No one gives them a second glance. They've all dozed off once or twice on someone else’s shoulder after a game. Hell, Jackie does it to Shauna all the time. Besides, Tai’s just usually sleepy on the ride home from away games this year, the team thinks. It’s probably all the AP classes, or from pushing herself way too hard on the field. It’s become so much a habit that it’s true.
Tai just really likes how Van puts her hand on the small of Taissa’s back so she can snuggle up close without anyone noticing. She likes inhaling Van’s scent, likes listening to the timber of her voice as she jokes with Nat or shushes Mari because “Tai’s asleep,” the setting sun warming them through the back window. She especially likes losing track of time and waking up in the dark with a strand of Van’s hair stuck to her mouth.
“Hmmm,” Van whispers into her hair as Lottie hits the bridge. Nat goes, “oh my god, Lot,” and Jackie is shouting, “yes, YES, bitch,” and Coach is scolding her for language but they’re all laughing so hard that they drown out his calls. “Are they?”
“Mmmh, hmmm. For the long weekend. Taking Cseca with them.”
Van huffs and pulls her ever so slightly closer. “How’d you get out of that?” Their games next week are Wednesday and Thursday.
Tai smiles and closes her eyes. Coach is telling Lottie to sit back down and put on her seatbelt. Tai feels her hop into the seat in front of them, next to Nat.
“Stats test Friday.”
“Ah, ha.”
“Yep,” she says, and then even she’s distracted by Lottie’s baby blue fingernails gripping the top of the seat in front of them. Laura Lee giggles from the next row, egging Lottie on, who has her face right up to Nat’s. Her pigtails swing as she sings. Nat rolls her eyes in bafflement, her head lolling back against the window with laughter.
“Oh my god,” Tai groans at the sight, tucking her nose into Van’s shoulder. Van laughs, settling her chin against Tai’s head. She can feel Misty jumping violently in her seat all the way up front. Coach clearly has given up trying to control them.
“Come on, Nat, it’s your turn!”
“I don’t even fucking know ABBA, Lot!”
“You are such a fucking liar, everyone knows ABBA!”
“Not me, Van!”
“Please!”
Only when Nat gives up the second verse of “Money, Money, Money” to Jackie does Van reply.
“So, Friday?”
Tai looks up at her. Van’s eyes sparkle wickedly. She gestures to the rest of the team. Everyone’s watching Jackie, who is singing dramatically to an awestruck Misty, god bless her. No one would notice.
She lets Van quickly kiss her temple, and she leaves her own on the crook of Van’s neck.
“Friday.”
Taissa’s riding the high of having received a higher grade than Shauna—for once—on their AP Lit mock exam when Jackie attacks them in the hall.
“Oof!”
“Jackie, what the hell?” Tai tries to escape from under her fussy, insistent arm. She wants to reread Brogan’s comments. Fascinating discussion of touch—
“Are, you, two, bitches, ready, for, tonight?” Jackie’s voice increases in cadence with each word. Taissa barely hears Shauna’s reply—and affect in Millay’s—
“Tai, hello, I’m talking to you, too,” Jackie shakes her shoulder—second stanza, Taissa—
“Hey!” She shouts as Jackie grabs the paper from her hands.
“Are you ready?” Jackie smiles wide. She must’ve recently reapplied her lip gloss. Her mouth gleams like cotton candy.
“What do you mean, am I ready?”
“Um, hello, for Lottie’s tonight? The team party. Oooh, an A—okay, be honest, do either of you, like, actually get poetry?” She leans against the locker opposite Shauna's and watches her take out her Anatomy textbook. Her fingers crumple the edge of Taissa’s essay as she reaches out to touch the bottom of Shauna’s lavender blouse. “Um, this is cute, where did you get it?”
“Oh, it was my cousin’s—”
Tai tries to grab at her paper. “What team party?”
“What do you mean, what team party? I’ve been talking about it for weeks,” Jackie rolls her eyes, fanning her face with the essay. “At Lottie’s? Tonight? Team bonding? Her mom is in Paris, remember? Wine and whining? Lottie got the good stuff.”
Fuck. “Um, sorry, I’m not coming.” She takes the paper from Jackie, who has loosened her grip. Her annoying puppy dog eyes make Tai feel slightly insane.
“What? Why not? You have to come. Shauna, tell her she has to!”
“Yeah, um, no thanks,” Shauna replies. She adjusts the flannel over her blouse.
“Everyone is going!” Jackie whines. “Literally everyone!”
Tai scrambles for a reason. “I, uh, I promised my parents no parties.” She stuffs her paper into her bag, avoiding Jackie’s huge, pleading eyes.
“No parties at your house,” Jackie explains correctly. “This is at Lottie’s.”
“I have plans—”
“With who—”
“With Van—”
“Right!” Jackie bumps her shoulder. “At Lottie’s!”
“What are we talking about?” Lottie pops up beside Tai. She has a sweater set and a skirt on with no tights, despite the rain.
“Taissa’s bailing tonight—”
“I’m not bailing!” She resists. “Van and I are supposed to see a movie—”
“Okay, well, can’t you go tomorrow?” Jackie folds her arms around her chest. “Come on, it’s supposed to be team bonding. We can’t be down two seniors—”
“Jackie, we’re literally together every day, don’t we bond enough? Besides, you always sneak Jeff into stuff like this—”
“No boys this time, I swear! Just the team, doing things other than soccer. I promise it’ll be fun—”
“I bought nice snacks,” Lottie says softly, pulling at a thread hanging on her sleeve. “Even Laura Lee’s coming.”
Taissa sighs. How the fuck did I forget about team bonding? Jackie has her eyebrows raised, and Lottie’s watching her sadly. Shauna bites her lip. Damn it. Taissa had really, really been looking forward to having Van all to herself, in her house, without her parents around…she spots a head of bleached blonde hair moving around the corner.
“Nat, hey, Nat,” she calls. Natalie meets her eyes, and behind her Taissa spots Van further down the hall. She smiles just slightly at the latter and waves them both over. Nat reaches her first. “You’re telling me you’re going to this team bonding thing?”
“Yeah,” Nat shrugs, hauling her bag over her shoulder. “Jackie made me swear I’d come like, weeks ago.”
“How did I not know about this?” Taissa protests, though she knows Jackie had been bothering them all about some party at Lottie’s. She just didn’t realize that it was this party, this weekend. She stares at Van, who wanders up behind Nat. “Did you know about this?”
Van blinks. “Huh?”
“Team bonding, Van!” Jackie says. “At Lottie’s? Really, has no one been fucking listening to me this week?”
“Oh,” Van replies, rubbing her eyes. Tai waits for her to make some joke or excuse, but she just stares down at her sneakers. “Um, sorry, I forgot.”
Taissa frowns. Van is standing too far away from her, or otherwise she’d tug on her striped shirt and try to meet her in a smirk.
“Well, don’t be, because you’re coming!”
“No, Jackie, seriously,” Taissa whines. “Van, tell her—”
“You can go see a movie any time!” Jackie insists. “This is senior year, team bonding! Like, when will we all have the time to do this again?”
Taissa sighs. Jackie’s not exactly wrong, she just hates whenever she has to admit that Jackie is even a little bit right…
She tries to meet Van’s eyes, but she’s staring at a photo in Shauna’s locker of her and Jackie dressed up as Veronica and Heather for Halloween, their arms wrapped tightly around one another and their cheeks squeezed together.
“Van?” Tai asks. She doesn’t seem to hear her. “Hey, Van?”
Van jumps, breaks her gaze. “Sorry, what?”
“I, um,” Tai asks slowly. She can feel the other girls watching them. “Do you mind if we hold off on the movie? For Lottie’s?”
“Oh, um,” Van looks to the ground and shakes her head. “Yeah, it’s fine, I don’t care.”
Taissa’s heart sinks slightly. She doesn’t care? What the hell does that mean? Like, she has no preference, or that she wasn’t really looking forward to…no. Something’s not right. Van’s fiddling with the edge of her shirt. Tai can see dark circles under her eyes.
Meanwhile, Jackie is clapping her hands and Shauna’s smiling with amusement. Taissa’s about to squeeze behind Lottie and ask Van what’s wrong when Nat dramatically checks her watch.
“Whoops, I’m late,” Nat announces, grabbing Van’s shirt. “Come on, Palmer, time for pre-calc.”
“Since when do you care about being on time for class—”
“Since I got suspended for too many absences!” She calls back to Shauna, tugging Van along. Taissa watches the two of them walk down the hall, Van’s hair dull under the fluorescent lights. She thinks about going after them, and then she drops the idea. She has that Stats test in three minutes.
“Yes, amazing, okay,” Jackie is saying, “so I’ll come around six, Lot, sound okay? And then…”
Before she turns the corner with Shauna, she looks back and sees Nat squeeze Van’s shoulder.
They’re sitting on Lottie’s immaculate carpet, passing around a bottle of Barefoot and a joint that Nat rolled them, blasting Oasis. Bags of potato chips and pretzels litter the center of their circle, and Lottie’s maid (insane, Taissa still thinks, despite knowing Rose by name for three years now) set up the ingredients for s’mores before she left. There’s a new fire pit in the backyard, apparently. Besides the pool, which she swam in plenty last summer, splashing Van and laughing at Jackie’s inability to put more than her toe in.
They had argued over Truth or Dare and Spin the Bottle and settled on Never-Have-I-Ever. Tai feels about thirteen years old.
“Okay, never-have-I-ever…smoked weed?”
“Really, Jax?”
“Never-have-I-ever pulled a 4.0.”
“Never-have-I-ever drank so much I threw up.”
“Um, liar, Shauna Shipman, put your finger down!”
“You too, Mari, I saw you at winter formal.”
“Never-have-I-ever buried a body.”
“What?”
“Like, been to a funeral, I don’t know.”
“Jesus Christ, okay, you could’ve just said that.”
“Saying never-have-I-ever been to a funeral? Boring. Saying never-have-I-ever buried a body? Potentially very interesting.”
“Okay, let’s abandon that one. Um…never-have-I ever actually finished every book for class.”
“Attack, that’s an attack—”
“Yes, because I’m trying to get you out, Tai! Put a finger down, too, Shauna.”
“Never-have-I-ever skipped school except when I was sick.”
“Never-have-I-ever…drank Coca Cola.”
“What?”
“Wait, seriously, Laura Lee?”
“I can give you one—”
“These are all incredibly lame, guys.”
“Oooohh, wait. Never-have-I-ever gone skinny dipping.”
“Well, I’m out—”
“Never-have-I-ever given a lap dance.”
“Lottie, oh my god, to who?”
“Never-have-I-ever made out with one of you.”
“Hey Jackie, put a finger down.”
“What the fuck are you talking about, Mari—”
“You’re telling me—”
“Okay, okay—never-have-I-ever shown up to practice hungover or still drunk.”
“Ahhh, okay, yeah—”
“You okay?” Taissa murmurs to Van through the chaos, who sits cross-legged next to her. Tai’s already asked her the question multiple times, but Van keeps shrugging her off. At lunch, she told Tai was tired; after school, she said she was frustrated with Bio; when she arrived that evening, she said she had a headache and asked Lottie for an Advil.
“Yeah, I’m fine, Tai,” is all she mutters this time. She’s picking at one of her fingernails.
Taissa bites her lip. She certainly doesn’t seem fine. She can’t remember the last time she watched Van just…disengage from a party. She sighs.
“Look, I’m sorry about tonight—”
“It’s not—” Van interrupts, and then takes a breath. “It’s fine, Tai. I said it was fine.”
Van still won’t meet her eyes. Taissa wants to reach out and take her hand but she can’t, and she’s mad, again, at the world for making something as simple as comfort and affection so complicated for her and Van.
She decides, instead, to push it. “I don’t want to hover—”
“Then don’t,” Van snaps back.
Tai purses her lips. Swallows. Okay, then. She turns back to the circle of giggling girls. Only Nat is watching them. She gives Tai a knowing look.
What the fuck happened? And how does Nat know and not me?
“Okay, okay, let’s keep going,” Jackie announces over the crowd. “Ummm…Allie, have you gone this round?”
“No, wait, let me think…” She looks around at them all, her pink sequined sweater garish next to the cream folds of Lottie’s sofa. Her eyes settle on Van for just a second, flicker over to Shauna, and then she smiles.
“Never-have-I-ever…weighed more than 120 pounds.”
The room goes silent. Laura Lee’s mouth drops open.
“I’m sorry, what?” Taissa forces out.
“Yeah, what the fuck, Allie?” Natalie reiterates.
“Not cool.”
“I—I mean, it’s true—”
“So what?”
“Okay,” Jackie says, staring between Allie and Taissa. She glances quickly at Shauna, who looks like murder, and Van, who watches the floor. “Okay, maybe it’s time we stopped—”
“You know,” Taissa lets every word drip with her anger, “never-have-I-ever been a skinny white girl who doesn’t know how to fucking pass a ball—”
“Tai!” Jackie scolds.
“—but you don’t hear me saying that out loud, so—”
“Okay, enough,” Shauna says. She stands up. “This game is stupid, anyway.”
“I’m…I’m sorry,” Allie’s eyes well up with tears. Taissa seethes. “I’m sorry, Shauna—”
“Yeah, well, don’t make jokes about people’s weight, okay?” Shauna talks like she’s speaking to her youngest brother—gruffly, condescendingly. “I want more wine. Lot?”
“Yeah, for sure,” Lottie scrambles up after her and leads her to the kitchen. Laura Lee quickly follows. After a moment, Nat steals the joint from Mari’s hands and joins them.
Allie cries, wiping her face with the back of her hand. “I really am sorry, Jackie, I didn’t mean—”
“It’s fine,” Jackie replies, her tone undermining her words. “Just…Shauna’s right. Like, really, don’t say shit like that again.”
“It’s fine?” Taissa snaps. She huffs out an angry laugh and stands up. “Yeah, okay—”
“No, I know, it’s not,” Jackie grabs her hand, “just, like, let me talk to her, okay?” Her voice comes out in hushed breathes.
“Really, Jackie, are you fucking kidding me—”
“She’s a freshman, Tai, we all said stupid shit when we were—”
“Fine,” Taissa says. She shakes off Jackie’s grasp. Her butterfly bracelet scrapes Tai’s wrist. “Whatever.”
Halfway to the kitchen, she turns around and realizes that Van isn’t behind her. Actually, she thinks, she hasn’t looked at her since she first snapped, her focus entirely on Allie’s obnoxious comment and even more obnoxious tears.
Fuck.
She saunters back to Lottie’s living room. Jackie has pulled Allie to a corner and is grumbling in her captain voice at her. On the floor, Mari hands the Barefoot around to Rachel and the other juniors like nothing happened.
“Did you guys see where Van went?”
“Um…no, didn’t she go with you?” Mari takes a swig of the wine. Rachel nods.
“I must’ve missed her,” Tai replies, turning back toward the kitchen.
Inside, Laura Lee perches on the marble kitchen island, a forgotten can of Coke beside her. She stares down at the floor, where Lottie, Shauna, and Nat are sitting, sharing what looks like a bottle of champagne and Nat’s joint. Well, sort of. Shauna’s cradling the bottle, while Lottie has her head on Nat’s shoulder, the joint half in her fingers and half in Nat’s.
“—and anyway, Kelly Kapowski can think I’m fat all she wants, I literally could not give a shit—”
“God, if Jackie really wanted this to be a party, she should’ve invited Misty. Like, that girl is fucking nuts but at least she’s entertaining—”
“Hey, Tai,” Lottie sings from the ground, clearly high.
“Hey.” She looks around, confused. Polished wine glasses, immaculate counter top, chocolate bars and bags of marshmallows piled near the stove. Where did she go?
“Great, you’re just in time,” Nat rises her hands, gesturing at Tai to join them. “We can no longer be outvoted by Miss Kapowski for our game of choice—”
“I really don’t think we should call her that,” Laura Lee frowns. “I know she’s not very nice but—”
“Laura, get down here,” Lottie grabs at her ankle, pulling on a heart print sock.
“Fine, Allie, whatever, we can no longer be outvoted by Allie,” Nat says, “so—Spin the Bottle.” She wiggles her eyebrows. “Shauna’s just got to empty the instrument and then we’re all set.”
Shauna nods from behind the lid.
“You okay, Taissa?” Laura Lee asks as she tumbles to the ground. Lottie puts an arm around her clumsily, pulling her down until Laura Lee’s practically laying in her lap. Together, they make a strange picture—Lottie half on top of Nat, snuggling Laura Lee around the neck, with Shauna to Nat’s side, scowling at her bottle.
She looks up, swallowing whatever is in her mouth. “Don’t be upset on my behalf, Tai. She’s just being a bitch—”
“Um, no, it’s not—” Tai wanders to the door to look down the hallway. Bathroom door open, dining room empty. What the fuck? “Have you seen Van?”
Lottie looks confused, and Shauna squints. “Wasn’t she with you?”
“I thought—but she’s not in the living room—”
Nat sits up slightly, jostling Lottie. Her eyes wander, as if she’s remembering something. “Ah—fuck—”
“What, what’s wrong?”
“Seriously, what the fuck happened today?” Taissa asks Nat. She knows she sounds meaner than she means to, but she can’t stop the nagging feeling of anxiety shaking her fingers. “She’s—she won’t tell me—”
“What are you talking about?”
“I don’t know, really, Tai,” Nat says, scrambling to her knees. “I just—I could tell something was off about her—she was really quiet in English and then—”
“Did she say anything to you?”
“No, Tai, fuck, don’t fucking look at me like that,” Nat scowls. “She’s—if she’s not talking to you, she’s not talking to me either—”
“Wait, what happened to Van?”
“Jesus, Laura Lee, I don’t know, okay?” Nat snaps, nearly dropping the joint as she tries to stand. “Look, we should go look—”
“What the hell are you guys doing?” Taissa turns around. Jackie stands in the doorway, her hands on her hips. She’s staring at them all, but especially Shauna and the half-empty bottle in her hands.
“Seriously, Shauna—”
“Um, I’m sorry, how else do you suggest I deal with whatever the fuck that was—”
“Okay, I’m sorry, alright?” Jackie bites her lip. “I probably shouldn’t have insisted on the game—but I talked to her, okay, and I really do think she’s sorry—”
“Oh, I’m sure she is—”
“But the night’s young! Like, don't let my stupid idea ruin everything. Let’s go back in there and forgive and forget or whatever and act like seniors and show that the night is not a total bust—wait, where’s Van—”
“Okay, that’s it,” Taissa interrupts, turning around.
“Tai, no, come on, where are you going—”
“I’m finding Van.”
“Wait, is—” Jackie looks concerned. “Is she okay?”
Taissa doesn’t spare her a look back. She hears Nat—“Tai hasn’t seen her since Allie—” and then Lottie—“She said she had a headache earlier—” but then she opens the screen door to the backyard and subsumes into the dark.
Tai finds her on Lottie’s front steps.
Van has her arms wrapped around her knees, her focus entirely on a puddle encompassing the driveway. Foregrounded against the towering porch she seems small, the red of her hair the only contrast to the blue-gray light cast over the house in the storm’s wake.
She barely looks up when Tai approaches, quickly returning her gaze to the water. Tai sits down slowly, tentatively. Van blinks next to her and swallows hard.
“Okay,” Tai murmurs after a moment, nudging her knee against Van’s. “Talk to me.”
Van looks into her lap. She’s eerily still and quiet. Taissa is almost going to ask her again when she speaks.
“I just…” she says. She sounds strained. “I just, um…got into this fight with my mom—“
Van’s voice hitches. She breathes roughly, rubs her eyes.
Oh. A pit starts to form in Taissa’s stomach. Fuck. She swallows her instinct to speak and forces her mouth closed.
“Last night,” Van whispers after a moment. “It was...it was my dad's birthday...I forgot. And she said some stuff and I—I usually don’t care but—” She chokes, her face crumbling. “I don’t know, it just—I just—”
Taissa can’t help it. She puts an arm around Van and rubs her shoulder. Oh, baby.
She’s not sure if she can remember the last time Van cried.
“I’m just—I’m really—” Tears spill over on her cheeks, and she wipes at them angrily. “I’m so tired—”
“Shhhh,” Tai soothes, throwing a second arm around Van and pulling her close. A sob escapes Van, and she swallows so violently that it shakes her entire body. Tai quickly runs a hand up and down her back, her fingers stroking at the red tangles nearest to Van’s heaving chest.
She doesn’t know what to say, and she’s afraid that if she speaks the fury forming in her throat will drip out and fall on Van. God. Her fucking mom. Tai wants to hit herself for not thinking. Van’s mom is always saying stupid shit...Tai can only guess at what she said that ruined her to this point—it must’ve been—Jesus fucking Christ. And at Van—Van, always easygoing, sarcastic, silly, sweet—she robbed her even of the smile she wears to manage her every day, living in a house that Taissa has only been inside once. Tai’s afraid to ask Van what she said because she thinks that once she knows the words she’ll explode with them, will be unable to contain her desire to rip Beverly Palmer’s heart out of her chest and smash it in her fists. She’s afraid not to, too, because she worries that the voice will fester in Van’s head, that Tai won’t know when the salt might enter the wound.
“Will it help to tell me?” Taissa whispers into her ear, her lips sliding against Van’s temple. “What she said?”
Van inhales. Thinks.
“She—she said—I don’t know, the normal stuff, it was just—it was—“ Van shakes her head against Tai’s shoulder. Normal stuff. “No, no, I don’t want to say it—”
“Okay, that’s okay, you don’t have to,” Taissa hushes. Van makes a small sound and nestles her nose deeper into Tai’s shirt. Tai clutches her tighter.
She holds Van there as the rainwater seeps from the concrete into her jeans. She thinks about making a plan, because plans are all she has, when anger and worry and uncertainty start to overwhelm her and she feels herself losing control. Nothing terrifies her more than that, except maybe not being able to anticipate what’s going on in Van’s head.
She pulls away from Van just slightly and takes in her face. Van stares at her shoulder, her tears ponds in her eyes threatening to overflow. Something carnal inside Taissa vibrates. She kisses Van, hard and then soft, her lips insistent and tender. Van’s mouth opens with a sigh, and she shivers, slackening in Tai’s grasp. Tai breaks the kiss almost as soon as it starts—worried it’s too much—but her lips linger on the side of Van’s mouth, on her cheek, on her temple. They flutter, barely touching, as subtle as Van’s wet lashes against her skin.
“You’re cold,” Tai says in the gentlest voice she can muster. “Let’s—” she stops herself, reframes. She puts a hand to Van’s cheek, their noses almost touching. “Do you want to get out of here? Or do you want to stay and hang out because I’d understand—”
Van shakes her head, wane and wanting.
“No,” she whispers. “No, I—I want to leave.”
“Okay,” Tai hugs her close one more time. “Okay, um,” she pulls back, reaching to clutch Van’s hand. “I’ll go get our stuff and make some excuse to Jackie, alright? You just stay here, I’ll be right back.”
She leaves Van with a hand squeeze. When she opens the door, Natalie is sitting on the huge staircase inside the front corridor. Beside her are Taissa’s and Van’s belongings. She motions for Tai to shut the door, and then stands up.
“Here,” Nat shoves the bags into Tai’s hands, her voice a mutter. “I told Jackie Van’s headache is bad and you’re taking her home. Not sure she bought it, but—” Nat shrugs. “No fucking puppy dog eyes about it. Think she feels bad about Allie—”
“Yeah, well, she should,” Taissa grumbles out, then sighs. It’s not Jackie’s fault, after all. She rearranges the bags in her hands. “Thanks, Nat.”
“No worries,” Nat says, fumbling with her hands. “She, um…she okay?”
Tai looks at Van’s bomber jacket, blue and frayed at the edges. There’s a knot in her throat that itches. “Something happened…last night—” Natalie makes a knowing noise, and Taissa swallows. “I think…” she chokes. “I think she’s just really tired and—and overwhelmed—”
“Yeah,” Nat nods to the ground.
“I’m going to take her to my place—let her decompress—”
“Good.”
Tai stands there for a moment, holding Van’s jacket in tight fists. She thinks about the way Van just fell into her touch, like a leaf that lost hold of its tree.
“I…I want to—” Tai struggles to say the words, her rage swelling up, “to fucking kill her mom—”
“Yeah, I know,” Nat says, shuffling. “It’s—yeah. I’ve wanted to kill her mom for like, over ten years. Even before her dad died. She, um—god—” Nat gulps and runs a wandering hand through her hair. “Fucking—cunt—”
Natalie’s voice strains, and she takes a breath. Taissa wonders where her mind is.
“Look, um…” she continues, running a hand through her hair. “Just, if she needs anything—like, I know you—you’ve got her or whatever and that I’m not great at being, like, around, usually, but—if she needs anything—”
“Yeah,” Tai replies. She remembers Natalie’s hand on Van’s shoulder, the way she’s read her better than Taissa has all day. Gratitude overwhelms her jealousy. Mostly. She thinks about apologizing to Nat. She thinks about asking her questions, getting her to give Tai the details she struggles to mine out of Van, but instead she just sighs. “Yeah, thanks Nat. Really.”
Natalie exhales and gestures behind her. “Well, I better get back in there—Lot’s suggested karaoke—”
“Oh, god,” Taissa grimaces, then laughs slightly. “Good luck.”
“Yeah, you too, man.”
On the drive home Taissa ignores her dad’s voice in her head telling her to always keep both hands on the steering wheel and thumbs the inside of Van’s palm. The radio plays softly, drowning out their silence. Taissa keeps stealing glances over at her when she should be watching the road. Van leans her head against the window, her eyes slowly blinking open and shut.
“I forgot Lottie gave you a lap dance.”
Van scoffs, smiles slightly. “Wow, me too,” she chokes out, sniffing. “To—Waterfalls, right? She was…well, she was pretty good.”
“God, I was pissed,” Taissa says. “I wouldn’t talk to her for, like, a week after that.”
“It was very cute,” Van replies, “how mad you were.”
“Was it? I just remember thinking afterwards that I had no idea why I was so angry—and that I had been a bitch—”
“No,” Van shakes her head. “Your nose got all scrunched up, and you kept acting like you didn’t care but you watched us more than anyone else did…it was adorable.”
“I was clueless.”
“Yeah, you were. It’s kind of hilarious, actually.”
“Oh, really?”
“I mean…” Van sighs, playing with Tai’s fingers. “Now looking back. But—”
“Yeah,” Tai squeezes her hand. She drops her grin. “I know.”
They’re quiet for a moment. Taissa pulls down her street.
“I like this better,” Van whispers. She picks at one of Tai’s fingernails. “Having you—like this—I like it better.”
Her voice sounds strained again. Taissa stops before the driveway and looks at her. Leans over and kisses her cheek, then her ear.
“Me too,” she assures her.
In her dark, empty house, Taissa convinces Van to take a shower.
“With you?” Van asks, standing in the door to Tai's room.
“Not if you don’t want to—”
“No, I—” Van swallows. “I mean, I don’t want—to do that—not right now—but I want…I want you—”
“Okay,” Taissa nods, thinking. They’ve taken showers together in the locker room, but never here, and never without sex. It feels…somehow more intimate. “Anything you want.”
Van stares at the floor. “Do you—do you want to, though—” She looks nervous again. So not herself.
“Yes, yes, definitely,” Tai takes her hand. “Come on.”
Taissa wraps up her hair as Van undresses and the water warms. She motions for Van to get in and throws two towels over the radiator.
When she enters the shower Van’s back is to her, her hair already growing damp. She shivers slightly, though the water is near scalding. Taissa reaches forward and puts both her arms around her neck. She remembers how Lottie held Laura Lee on the kitchen floor—Lottie’s face smashed into Laura Lee’s hair, smiling into her ear—and then she rests her mouth against Van’s shoulder.
They stay there, listening to the platter of the water on the shower floor. Van’s skin blushes in the steam, blooming poppies. Taissa runs a thumb up and down the space between Van’s breasts, her hand soft right below her heart. She waits patiently until she feels Van’s muscles start to relax against her body.
She kisses Van’s skin and rubs her shoulders. She lingers on the freckles there, all scattered and starry.
“Get your hair wet,” she murmurs, letting go of her arms.
She grabs her shampoo as Van leans forward, soaking her head. Tai watches the water fall through her locks. Scarlet strands stick heavily to her back, and her wet skin shines. Taissa’s pelvis throbs. She ignores it the best she can.
“You don’t have to,” Van whispers. Her head is still oriented towards the wall.
Taissa squeezes the soap out of the bottle and then puts it down. “Come here.” She touches Van’s shoulder and motions her away from the water.
Van looks quickly behind her, her lashes long and wet. There’s a bed of moss in her eye, a flame on her cheek. She’s ethereal, unearthly, preternatural—every absurd word from her English class that makes her roll her eyes, that always feel too big for the thing they explain. Not now. Every inch of Taissa wants to touch her.
“Close your eyes, baby,” she says.
She washes Van’s hair gently, sudsing her waves with broad, slow strokes. She massages behind her ears, occasionally wetting her hand to increase the bubbles. She lets her fingers linger at the nape of Van’s neck and listens to her release a tiny moan. She scratches at her scalp until her hair is white and soaked in jasmine and vanilla.
“Turn around.”
Van faces her with closed eyes, and Taissa scrubs along her hairline, slowly, not wanting to stop. She catches drops of soap that threaten to fall near Van's eyes, and then her thumbs just stay there, still against Van's temples. She—Van—the house—the shower, even—it all feels so quiet.
She lets her hands fall with the water to Van’s shoulders. Listening to Tai's touch, Van leans her head back to the water. Soap slides down her shoulders and her hair darkens to a ruby. Her mouth falls the slightest bit open. Tai thinks she could feel this tender, aching flare flicker in her stomach, watching Van, forever.
She runs a hand through Van’s hair to caress what’s left of the shampoo from her hair. At the movement Van takes a step forward out of the water. Her eyes open slowly to meet her gaze. Her nose nearly touches Tai’s.
They don’t kiss, not really. It’s barely there, to the side of her mouth, and then Van’s arms are around her waist. Her cheek squishes into Taissa’s shoulder. Her eyes flutter.
Taissa holds her there, for a minute, for two, and then she kisses her hair.
“Okay,” she whispers, pulling away. “Conditioner.”
They settle down in her bed. Not in the way she expected them to do that morning, when the house was still full with her sister’s complaints and her parents’s shouts, but Taissa finds that she doesn’t really care. On her TV, Scully and Mulder examine a set of abandoned cabins, find a cocoon in a tree. Tai’s half-watching them, half-focused on Van, who's snuggled up to her shoulder. She dozed off almost as soon as Taissa turned on the episode and covered them both in her duvet.
Tai soaks in Van's warmth and plays with her hair. She tries to ignore the thoughts bugging in the back of her head—of Beverly Palmer and Allie’s comments and all the things she doesn’t yet understand or know about this person in her arms whom she feels so much for that it scares her—and lets Van’s quiet breaths calm her as much as they can.
“I love you,” she wants to say the air between them, but the words feel too big, massive, too much for such an overwhelming night. She presses her lips to Van’s head instead and leaves them there to soak up her sorrows, her worries, her.
Van murmurs in her sleep something Tai can’t catch before kissing the spot on Taissa’s neck where she rests.