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In the Nos Astra Presidium hotel’s penthouse suite, under the sheets of its soft, plushy bed, Tali’Zorah vas Normandy lay suitless beside John, her head on his chest, her legs intertwined with his own.
After destroying the Collector base, and just barely managing to get the Normandy to Illium for repairs, John had given the crew two weeks shore leave. He had been sweet and thoughtful enough to book this sterilized hotel room for her. And just over an hour ago, they had joined for the second time. She smiled. Like their first time five days ago, the experience had been a sensory feast that left her gasping and moaning, overwhelmed with a blissful calm beyond anything she could describe.
As John slept, she relished his intoxicating scent and the feel of his warm, soft skin, listening to his slow, steady heartbeat. Keelah, he was such an exotic delight, far more so than any turian or asari. Shortly after puberty, she had often fantasized about bonding with a turian like Bellicus from Fleet and Flotilla, somebody who’d whisk her away on the adventure of a lifetime.
But oh, how foolish she was.
Inwardly, she bristled at the memories of so many turian C-sec officers treating her like fre’eg, of that revolting boshtet in the alleyway caressing her arm, and of Garrus insulting her people in that elevator conversation.
“ The quarians endangered the entire galaxy when they let the Geth break free, ” he told her. “ I hope your people are properly contrite, Tali. ”
That stupid remark had killed any attraction she might have had for him. But even then, the ancestors were watching over her. When Garrus made another stupid remark trying to justify the genophage, John retorted in the best way imaginable.
“And what about the First Contact War?” he asked. “Huh, Garrus? If the Asari hadn’t fixed your people’s fuckup, and humans refused to surrender, would another genophage not have been a ‘mistake’? Would your people ever be ‘contrite’ for sterilizing another race?”
She’d never forget the look on Garrus’ face, how he stammered and got defensive, struggling to come up with a witty reply. Later that same day, Garrus apologized to her personally for his behavior. She forgave him, but would never again feel any desire for turian men. None of them were like Bellicus, and besides the ancestors had given her somebody so much better – the lifemate of her dreams…
Her thoughts drifted to the ‘incident’ that had happened a few hours ago, while she was waiting for John outside a restroom. Asari laughter rang in her mind.
Her smile dropped. She sighed. She had planned to tell him about quarian bonding, about how she had chosen him as her lifemate, as soon as they got back to the hotel room. Keelah, she had promised Kasumi that she’d do so, after their chat about human relationships.
But her plan had been derailed by those gossiping, asari fre’eg!
No matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t get their words out of her head.
“ A quarian with a human like that ? ” one whispered to her friend. She giggled. “ Don’t be ridiculous. Human males have far too many needs she could never satisfy. No, in all likelihood, the human bought her as his servant. ”
The Asari’s friend chuckled. “ I suppose you're right . But even if they are together, I can’t help but pity him. Goddess, he deserves so much better. I mean…does he even know what’s under her suit? For all we know, she could be hideous. And even if by some miracle she’s not, she could never give him children, much less kiss him without dying. ”
When John finally left the restroom, he looked at her with such concern, and immediately asked if she was okay. No doubt, he would have put those boshtets in their place, had she told him what they said. But she didn’t want to cause a scene. It would have done neither of them a favor.
After they got back to the hotel room, she practically tore her suit off and joined with him, savoring his scent and body heat, to take her mind off the five words that stung the most.
“He deserves so much better. ”
An icy sensation racked her chest. Was that true? She couldn’t deny that she could never give him children, that he’d never be able to kiss or ‘make love’ to her whenever he wanted, and that he’d always face ridicule and judgment for being with her.
A suit rat.
A thief.
A vagrant.
“ You complete him, Tali. You’ve pieced his broken mind back together. And as long as you never change, as long as you always give him your undying, unwavering love, you have nothing to be afraid of. His love for you will never fade. ”
Her eyes watered, as Kasumi’s words rang through her mind. Tears streamed down her cheeks. No doubt, he loved her. No doubt, he cared about her more than anyone in the galaxy.
But why?
What had she ever done to deserve somebody so perfect?
Keelah, she was only a burden, so inadequate compared to Liara, Miranda, or Ashley. She could never give him what they could, and he wouldn’t need to bother with any tiresome precautions. She sobbed. Oh ancestors, she was being so selfish. John didn’t deserve to be trapped with somebody like her. He deserved better, somebody who could–
“And that is why he will never feel trapped with you.”
“You can repay me by seizing this opportunity…”
“Go get him, sister, and don’t ever look back. You deserve a man like him.”
She gritted her teeth, her chest heaving as she continued to weep and sob. Again and again, Kasumi’s words pounded in her skull, resonating in her mind like screams inside an echo chamber.
NO!
She wouldn’t let Kasumi down. She wouldn’t let her fear and self-loathing rob her of her lifemate. No matter the consequences, she’d tell him. Even if he–
Suddenly, John stirred. “Tali?” He turned on the lamp by the bedside. His eyes met hers, then widened, brimming with love and concern. “Tali, are you okay? Is something wrong?”
Her heart pounded. Now or never. “Oh, n-no. It-It’s nothing, John. I…I’m fine. It’s just…It’s just, I need to tell you something. Keelah, I’ve put this off for so long, and…and–” She closed her eyes, took a deep breath, then resumed eye contact, “I can’t hold this in any longer. I have to tell you.”
John scooted closer to her, then stroked her cheek with one hand, looking deeply into her eyes. Ancestors, his gaze always made her melt. “Tell me what?”
Tali sniffled. “M-my species. Th-there…there’s a major thing about it I haven’t told you. Unlike humans, w-we…we can only…” she gulped. Keelah, just tell him! “We can only…” Her hands trembled. Her every instinct screamed for her to shut up, to avoid saying something she’d regret, “w-when we bond with somebody, it…it–” She choked on her words and broke down into another fit of sobbing, covering her face with her hands.
John embraced her in his strong, powerful arms. He held her close, letting her cry on his shoulder. And she clung to him as though he might disappear if she let go.
“Sssh, it’s okay,” John said softly. “Just let it all out. I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.”
For a few minutes, she continued to sob in his arms, releasing all her bent-up emotions. All the while, he soothed her. And she drank in as much of his scent and body heat as possible, searing those sensations into her memory.
Eventually, her sobs lessened. Sniffling, she let go and wiped the remaining tears from her eyes.
Gently, John raised her chin with one finger, so she’d meet his gaze. “Tali. Whatever’s on your mind, you don’t need to be afraid to tell me. Whatever it is, I won’t get mad. I won’t judge or abandon you and just…run away.” He stroked her cheek with his thumb, wiping away more tears. “Never forget that you’re the only person that can talk to me about anything. So whenever you're ready, please…continue what you were saying. Ok?”
Her heart fluttered. Leaning into his touch, she held his hands, then smiled when he gave them a gentle squeeze. Ancestors, he always knew just what to say to her.
“Ok,” she said. She took a deep breath. “John…please forgive me, but I haven’t been completely open with you about my species. Despite all the conversations we’ve had about my people, there’s still so much you don’t know, so much we haven’t discussed about the differences between humans and quarians. Especially when it comes to, uhm…” she broke eye contact, “c-courtship and relationships.”
“Tali?” John asked. “Have we broken some kind of taboo? Your people, will they not approve of–”
“No, no, no,” Tali said, “nothing like that. It’s just…Keelah, how do I explain this?” She sighed, then met his gaze. “Us quarians, John, we…we can only ‘fall in love’ once. For now, I’ll spare you the details, but when we ‘bond’ with somebody, that bond lasts for life. Unlike humans, we truly have saeras, or what you refer to as soulmates.”
For a moment, her heart pounded as she studied his reaction. He wasn’t laughing or shouting. He wasn’t storming off, asking her to leave, or pacing around, furious that she waited until now to tell him this. No. Instead, he remained silent, likely processing all she said.
Tali broke eye contact with him, lowering her head in shame. She sniffled, fighting back her tears. “I…I never thought it could happen with a human. But it did, and I don’t regret it.” She met his gaze, and she couldn’t stop herself from crying once more. “I understand that…that I have no right t-to trap you into anything, to f-force you into never leaving me.” She sniffled, then wiped her face of tears, “I understand that humans are just different, that everyday countless human couples separate in that terrible Dee’Vorse ritual. But I want you to know–” she sobbed, and her voice became choked with emotion, “I want you to know that despite my inadequacies, I’m going to do everything I can to make you happy, but that if I fail…” She gulped, “it will be okay for you to…to…” She sobbed, then wiped her tears. It took all her willpower to say the next few words, “t-to be with somebody else.”
Her voice cracked when she said that. Just the thought of it made her feel sick. But if John’s love for her ever faded, and she couldn’t make him happy, she’d have to accept it.
His happiness mattered more than hers.
She took a deep breath, and her body relaxed, her heart rate slowing, her limbs feeling much lighter. What’s done is done. She had just poured her heart out, confessing all she needed to say. Now, she could only–
John leaned forward and kissed her. Briefly, she stiffened up, her eyes wide. But then she closed them and leaned into the kiss, grabbing his head, swirling her tongue inside his mouth. She trilled with delight, and his scent drove her wild. A few seconds later, he broke the kiss and rested his forehead against her own, gently holding each side of her head.
He chuckled. “Just when I thought my life couldn’t get any better, here you go and prove me wrong in the best way possible.”
“You…you’re not mad?”
“Mad?” John asked. He kissed her forehead, then chuckled. Looking deeply into her eyes, he stroked her cheek, “Tali, why would I ever be mad about this? God, this has to be some of the best news you’ve ever told me.”
“It-It is?” she asked, and her heart melted. Keelah, did she just hear him correctly? It sounded almost too good to be true. “But what about my…my inadequacies?”
“What inadequacies?” he said, as if insulted at the very idea that somehow she was inadequate. He held one of her hands. “Did something happen? Tali, if something’s eating at you, then please…talk to me. I’m here for you.”
Tali sighed. No choice. She had to tell him about the incident. “Earlier today, while I was waiting for you to come out of the restroom, I overheard a conversation between these two Asari det kazuat . They were talking about me – about us – behind my back, and…” She clenched her free hand into a fist, “I wanted to hurt them, John. I wanted to see you put them in their place like the boshtets they are! But I did nothing. Causing a scene would have only made things worse. It would have only given those fre’eg the satisfaction of knowing they hurt me.”
Gently, John squeezed her hand. His brow furrowed. “What did they say?”
“They refused to believe that someone like me could ever be with somebody like you,” she said. “They thought I was just some indentured servant you bought from slavers, and pitied you even if we were together because you deserved so much more.”
Briefly, she paused and broke eye contact. John was frowning, his jaw tensed.
She gulped, then went on, “I tried to disregard their words. I tried to be the bigger person and not let them affect me. But I couldn’t. No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn’t understand why, out of so many beautiful human and Asari women to pick from, you chose me. Somebody who could never give you children. Somebody you could never kiss or make love to whenever you wanted, and without so many tiresome precautions.” Her eyes watered, and she lowered her head in shame, “It’s not fair to you, John. You don’t deserve to be trapped with a burden like me, while others like Liara, Miranda, or even Ashley could give you–”
“Tali,” John said sternly. With one hand, he raised her chin, so she’d meet his gaze. “Tali, look at me.”
She couldn’t deny him. She stared into his eyes. “John, I—“
“Sssh,” he said, hushing her with one finger to her lips. He held both her hands, then took a deep breath. “Tali, I understand why you’d feel…inadequate compared to women like Liara or Miranda. I know you feel that you’re holding me back, that I’m just tolerating your needs, and that someday I’ll get sick of them and leave you for somebody else. I bet every day you wonder what you ever did to deserve me, if what we have is too good to be true. But here’s the thing…” He leaned forward, and with one hand, he caressed her cheek, “I often wonder the same thing.”
Her eyes went wide. Her jaw dropped. For a moment, she couldn’t breathe. “You…You do?”
“I should have told you this earlier, but…do you want to know what separates you from women like Liara, Miranda, or Ashley?” he asked. “Why I only want you, and couldn’t care less about that damn suit, or the fact that we can’t have children?”
“Why?”
John’s eyes looked watery. “Because they could never love me as much as you do. Because unlike them, you’ve stayed beside me through everything, and have only made my life better since the day I met you.” He let out a mirthless laugh, and a tear streamed down his cheek. “Frankly, you’ve given me so much that I don’t know if I can ever repay you.”
She could hardly speak. Did John truly feel like the taker in this relationship?
“You’ve listened to me ramble about Mindoir, about my time in the slums before Anderson straightened me out,” he continued, “so you know that for years I never let anyone get too close, that nearly everyone I’ve ever cared about had either died or abandoned me, and that I had nothing worth living for.” He sighed and broke eye contact. “I’ve never told this to anyone. But during those days, I would always just…go through the motions, from one mission to the next, hoping that one day my luck would run out, that one day I’d die in combat, finally able to rest from all the death and suffering.”
Her heart melted. He had never been this open and vulnerable with her. She touched his arm. “John, I’m so sorry. I…I never knew.”
Gently, John squeezed one of her hands, giving her strong eye contact. “But then I met you in that alleyway. I got to know you and…gradually life became worth living again. Without you, I don’t think I would have ever relearned how to trust or love somebody. Without you, I don’t think I would have ever moved on from Mindoir, from all the horrible things I've done in the Reds. Tali, you’re the most selfless, caring, and loyal person I’ve ever met, and…I love you. You saved me and I can’t ever thank you enough.”
She burst into tears, but they were not of pain or sorrow.
They were of joy.
Now, she finally understood why he wanted her and nobody else. Keelah, all this time, she had been blind to everything she had done for him.
“Now, to be honest with you, I never imagined ever having a soulmate. Before you, my longest relationship had only lasted about a year and…well…you know how that ended. After her, I was sure I’d die alone.”
She nodded. Back on the SR-1, he had told her all about Lina…about how he found her mangled corpse amidst the ashes of Mindoir.
“But regardless, I know how I feel. I know what you mean to me, and that you’re the only woman I can imagine spending the rest of my life with.” He held both her hands, then smiled. “So tell me, Miss Vas Normandy…will you be my saera? Will you give me your boundless, unconditional love and be mine until death pries us apart?”
Tali broke down into a fit of joyful sobs. He used the word! “Yes! Oh Keelah, yes!”
“Then know this: whatever happens, I promise to give you all my love and devotion. I promise I’ll never—”
Without warning, she grabbed his head, then mashed her lips against his own. Briefly, his body stiffened. But then he relaxed and leaned into the kiss, holding her close, caressing the small of her back. For a few seconds, they made out with white-hot passion, their tongues dancing in each other’s mouths. Her heart hammered. Breathing heavily through her nose, she sang her heelrou, then growled and pushed him back onto the bed.
Straddling his waist, she showered him with kisses, and he chuckled.
“Has my huntress made me her prey?” he asked.
She giggled. “Yes,” she whispered into his ear, “and your huntress is going to savor every part of you.”
She joined with him for the third time. Amidst the ensuing feast of sensations, her heart flooded with bliss that nourished her soul, and all her past fears and insecurities seemed to fade away into oblivion. Yes, today was undoubtedly the best day of her life.
No matter the challenges ahead, she had no doubt that John would be right beside her.