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It's fine. Take deep breaths. Don't think about it. Don't think about it. Do not think about it. Just pretend that you're not paying any attention.
Dolores closed her eyes as she strained her ears, listening for any sounds coming from Mariano Guzman. Every time she heard his voice she felt a sting of sadness run through her, trailing through her body like her mother's lightning bolts.
Yet she listened anyway, because at least she felt something when she did.
It had been years since she'd actually felt things. Sure she put up the front that she was fine... but inside...
At first all her emotions had been like Pepa's hurricanes. Coming in fast, destroying everything they could get their hands on, and then exiting faster than you could blink. Hearing everything all at once really pulled on her emotions, throwing them this way and that.
But as time wore on the uprisings inside of her slowed down. Soon she became numb to the world. She heard the whispers that people spoke from behind their hands, warning of the Madrigal who heard everything. She heard the sound of children's laughter as they ran through the town with their friends. She heard the sounds of pleasure coming from Señor-
Her gift had ruined her.
It had ruined her mind. As a child she had to come to grips with the fact that there were things that humans did that made other humans feel certain ways. She had to come to grips that sometimes razor blades weren't used just for cutting hair. She'd come to terms with the fact that sometimes angry men drank too much and did angrier things. She'd heard her first fist-fight at seven years old, heard her first abusive father at twelve...
Her mind was numb to it all now. Because if she told Abuela that she could hear father's tearing into their children just for being children, then she would also have to say that she had heard those children being conceived. And there was no way that Dolores would fit into her perfect image of a family if she admitted that.
Fit in. Dolores wanted to fit in. She wanted to fit in so badly. But she couldn't. So instead of fitting in she resigned herself to the background, only needed if someone else said something important.
In other words, Dolores wasn't needed.
She never hurt herself. She'd thought of it, once or twice before. But she could envision her mother walking in on her one day and just how distraught she'd be. She could see her mother begging to know what went wrong, blaming herself for how her little girl felt.
And that was why she hadn't actually thought of it before. Why the thought hadn't occurred to Dolores's mind before. At least until it had entered her mind and wouldn't leave it again.
Her thoughts were going in a loop. But the main thought was what scared her the most. She couldn't... no... She couldn't do that. Not when Antonio was just four! Not when her mother needed her! Not when Isabela was courting...
Isabela was out of the question for talking about it. She wouldn't understand. Luisa was burdened enough as it was. Camilo, Mirabel, and Antonio were all too young. Her mother would be impossible, and her father was out as well, since there was no way he could keep this from his wife. And in the same vein as Felix would be Julieta and Agustin.
But there was one more option. A secret that only Dolores knew. And twelfth member of the family most thought was gone entirely. A person who barely did anything all day, and wouldn't be able to talk to Pepa.
Dolores steeled herself for her first real talk with Tio Bruno for the first time in nearly ten years.
She had opened the painting next to her door thousands of times. But this time was different.
All of the other times it had been to drop off food or books. Sometimes when Dolores went into town with Mirabel she'd buy little nicknacks and trinkets for her missing uncle, always conveniently 'losing' or 'misplacing' then a couple days later. She always received little gifts as well, mostly made out of the materials she got her bored uncle.
A long time ago those presents had been enough. But those days were long past.
Dolores steeled her resolve, and stepped into the narrow passageway Casita had made her uncle years ago. She heard rats squeaking everywhere, but there was no sound of her Tio besides the constant of his breathing and heartbeat.
She walked in the semi-dark, following the sounds of Bruno from nearby. The gaping hole in her chest was being fed by a bone-chilling fear, but she pressed on.
Eventually she came to patch of the tunnel where a warm glow was, and looked at the wall to see a wooden door hanging in the wall. She was too numb yet nervous to question the doors existence, and didn't think before she pushed the door open.
She was met with the most cluttered room she had ever seen before in her life.
Finally, amid the gaping nothingness inside her, Dolores felt a tiny spark light up in her heart. Sitting there, in the middle of the room, was a man she hadn't seen since she was eleven. She stared at Bruno, who was sitting in a dirty red armchair, a rat limply in his hand as he stared a book held tightly in his other hand.
Dolores took a step forward, and a floorboard creaked underneath her foot.
The scream Bruno let out would give Camilo a run for his money. He leapt up, rat dropped to the ground and book held like a throwing knife. He stared at Dolores, a look of pure terror in his eyes.
But then they softened, and he relaxed a little. Dolores gulped, then said quietly, “Hi Tio Bruno...”
Bruno blinked at her, then at the book he held up. “Do- Dolores?” he said, dropping his book hand and sitting back down slowly. “I... Uh... What are you doing here?”
Dolores took in a deep breath, then walked towards her uncle. “I... need to talk to someone. But I can't tell the rest of the family. But it really needs to be part of my family.” Bruno nodded, a look of confusion crossing his face. “I... sorta get that. But why can't it be... not me?”
“Because I can't have my mom finding out. I need help, but everyone else will just tell Abuela or Mamá.” Bruno nodded slowly, then he stood up, and pulled a faded yellow chair close to the chair he had been sitting on.
“Please, sit, if you want. I mean, whatever you've got to say sounds important. And most important stuff is long, which means it would be nicer to sit. Dios Mio, its been a long time since I've had company. Apart from people like Queso,” Bruno's ramblings in person were the same as when Dolores heard them through the walls, and a genuine smile passed over her face.
She sat down on the yellow chair, and Bruno said crosslegged on his red one. He leaned forward, his eyes roving over her face. His hands were fidgeting with the edges of his edges of faded ruana, and Dolores felt a pang of pity for him.
“Tio Bruno...” she started, and felt the pressure sinking onto her shoulders. She'd never verbalized this feeling before. She didn't really know how to say it. She swallowed, her throat suddenly feeling very dry. “Lately... I've been having these... thoughts.”
She stared her uncle in the eyes, and was shocked to see a strange realization fill him. He sat up straighter, and he began to look scared once more. But not the terror he'd had just a few minutes ago, but a terror that ached in your bones and haunted you for the rest of your life.
“Oh Dolores...” he said, and she found this he was... understanding? How? She hadn't even told him what the thoughts were about! How could be possibly know? Was his gift reading minds and the future?
He fidgeted a bit more, and looked like he desperately wanted to make contact with her. He stared at her face, then asked, “Have you been... hurting yourself?”
Yup. He knew exactly what she was talking about. She was sort of happy that she could shake her head without lying to him. The sigh of relief that escaped her uncle made her wonder just exactly what he was thinking that she...
“What kind of thoughts are these?” he asked, and Dolores bit her lip. This was it. The big moment. The moment that you tell someone what's been bouncing around your mind. Come on Dolores! Just tell your crazy rat man uncle who lived in the walls your darkest secret!
She closed her eyes, for once not wanting to see Bruno. Then she let out a small squeak, and blurted out, “I've been wanting to die.”
She heard Bruno stiffen. Heard his heart skip a beat. Heard how his breath became hitched. She heard how he stood up, how he was crossing the small area that was in between them. She heard him lift his arms, and then...
She felt him wrap his arms around her, and she heard him start to sob.
Dolores didn't know how long she sat there in Bruno's arms. Didn't know how much time passed as Bruno just cried on her. She couldn't bring herself to hug him back, even though she knew that he probably desperately needed it. She just sat there, in her Tio's arms, her secret out in the open.
“Dolores, oh Dolores,” she heard him whisper. She nodded, and said in a quieter voice than normal for her, “I haven't thought of... any plans... Not yet. But I can't... It just sounds so much better than...”
At that Bruno pushed himself away from her, hard. He grabbed her shoulders and held her arms' length away. “I know exactly what you're talking about Dolores.” He said, and the force that his voice held took her aback a little.
She blinked at him, then asked, “You... You do?” Bruno nodded, a somber look on his face. “Yes. I do Dolores.” he said, backing up and sitting back down on his face. He drew his knees up to his chest, wrapping his too-thin arms around them and propping his head up with their top. “I know how you feel Dolores because I felt the same way too...”
He closed his eyes, and Dolores could tell that he was thinking of past things. She watched him silently, then he looked at her once again, and said,
“Because I was suicidal as well... Until you saved me.”
Julieta only made it up the stairs because of Agustin's help.
Normally climbing up the stairs in her brother's room simply took time and energy, but nowadays Julieta had anything but those two key things. She had shirked her responsibilities for the day to spend it with her family, the news she was going to share was that important.
Typically Bruno's stairs would move, like a river, carrying the passengers to the top without so much breaking a sweat. But for the past couple months they had stopped moving. Like Casita's part in Bruno's room had been turned off. When asked about it Bruno had simply shrugged and claimed to not control the magic staircase.
At the top Julieta took a moment to catch her breath. She squeezed her husband's hand, and stared at her brother's vision cave, the place that Casita was edging them towards. She looked up at Agustin, and the two of them walked up to the door.
Agustin reached out a hand and knocked on the circular door. No sound greeted them. When he did that suddenly Casita started going bonkers. It practically threw Agustin away from Juleita and onto the door, swinging the door open and tapping at Julieta's toes.
She followed her husband into the cave, the familiar stone room just the same as it always had been. She focused her eyes on the collection of visions that Bruno kept in there, and saw her brother lying on the floor...
What was that red stuff? WHAT WAS THAT RED STUFF!? Why was it pooling on the floor?! What the-
“Bruno!” Agustin shouted, but Julieta couldn't force any words to exit her mouth. All that came out was a strangled scream as she dived towards her brother, pulling him up into her arms.
Embedded in his side was a glowing green shard, as tall as her hand. Julieta's eyes were as wide as dinner plates as she felt blood start seeping onto her blue dress. Bruno's eyes were closed, his mouth opened slightly in pain.
Please be breathing. Please be breathing!
“Agustin!” she commanded, tearing her eyes off of her brother and onto her husband. “Some of my cooking! Now!” Without another word Agustin dashed off, long legs carrying him back to where they had come from.
Julieta kept her brother on her lap, and began using her hands to try to quench as much blood as possible. The shard was deep, and she knew that he'd bleed out faster if she took it out. Which she'd have to do in order to properly heal him.
“Bruno... Oh Bruno...” she said, and she heard a pained hiss escape his lips. She looked down at his face, and then at his chest, which was rising and falling in a semi-regular pattern.
She swore at that moment that she'd always cherish her brother. More than she had ever cherished him before.
It felt like eternity before Agustin came back, a bag of arepas in his clutch. He skidded to a kneel on Bruno's other side, and he stared at his wife's blood soaked hands. “What should I do amor?” he asked, and Julieta lifted her hands and motioned for the glass.
Without another word Agustin grabbed onto the shard, and pulled it out with all his might. Instantly Bruno's blood started pouring out of the wound faster, but Julieta grabbed an arepa and shoved it into his mouth.
A great thing about Julieta's powers were the different levels they could have. They were doubled if Julieta was the one to feed the food to you, and began instantly effecting you the moment they entered your mouth. So Bruno didn't have to swallow in order to stop bleeding.
The bleeding stopped, but the wound was still deep and new. Julieta began forcing her brother to swallow.
After several minutes of pure tension and agony Julieta got the bite completely into her brother, and the wound sealed up completely, disappearing without a trace.
Julieta loud out a sigh of relief, accompanied by a strangled sob. She pulled her brother up into her arms, tears starting to pour down her cheeks. She held him close to her chest, and began rocking him back and forth.
She had never felt more grateful for her gift.
After a minute Agusin dropped to his knees next to her, and began untangling Bruno's messy hair with his fingers. He glanced at Julieta, who stilled quite suddenly, and asked, “What is it mi amor?”
Julieta looked at him, then down at the bloody pool surrounding them. “We need... we need to get him out of here.” she said, voice quavering. She trailed a finger down her brother's pale face, eyes brimming with fresh tears. “He's... he's gonna wake up soon. He'll... he'll tell us what happened.”
Why he would do this, were the words that hung in the air unspoken.
Agustin nodded, then reached out his arms and lifted Bruno out of Julieta's arms. To his shock he found the task not very difficult, Bruno was so light that Agustin was surprised he hadn't been blown away by one of Pepa's winds before.
He wanted to offer a hand to Julieta to help her stand up, but his arms were full. He waited until she had stood up before making his way out of the vision cave.
The climbed down the stairs, Julieta holding onto his arm to steady him as they descended down.
Pepa stared at her brother, lying on their couch with his head on Julieta's lap. There was a blanket covering his torso, which Julieta said was 'to help Pepa'. Thankfully no one was talking about the cloud that was threatening to rain upon Pepa. The four others in the room either unconscious, or simply possessing other more pressing matters to worry about.
Pepa's mind was scrambling for an emotion to hold onto.
On one side she was deeply sad that her brother... her hermanito, the only other person in the world with a magical gift that sometimes felt more like a curse than a blessing... had tried to kill himself.
On another side was deep relief that even though he had tried (her brother had tried... tried... he had been so close to being...) his attempt had been stopped. Julieta and Agustin had gotten there just in time. He was safe. He was okay.
Then again was the anger she felt at him. How could he do this?! If he felt that terribly then he should have talked to them! Pepa would sacrifice anything, get ridiculed a million times, heck, even divorce Felix if it meant that her brother would be okay! He was a constant in her life, and now... now...
Was she not good enough for him? Did their petty sibling rivalry really make him think that she hated him? Did he really think that he would be better off... dead?
Felix had his arms around her as they sat on the love seat, the two of them staring at their brother. It had been an hour since they had all gathered in the room, but the only words that had been shared was an explanation of what had happened.
Then, quite suddenly, Bruno's eyes fluttered open. A small smile was on his face as he stared up at the ceiling. Pepa felt too shocked still to get up and fling herself towards him, like she desperately wanted to do.
Instead, it was Julieta who ran her fingers through his hair, and breathed out a relieved, “Oh Bruno...”
Bruno's eyes widened, and he focused his attention on Julieta for a split second before leaping up and pushing himself away from her. He turned towards her, eyes roving over her face... and started screaming.
“No! No no no no no no no no no no no no no! No!!!” Bruno screamed, like it was someone else who had almost died. Pepa stood up, feeling a little woozy as she did so. Bruno looked at her, then down at his stomach, where a section of his shirt was ripped. He pressed his hand over his side, tears starting to fall down his cheeks.
“Why aren't I dead! I just wanted to be gone! I wanted to be happy! Why won't you let me be happy?!” Bruno exclaimed, his voice quieter than before, but still unbearably. Pepa stared at him, rain starting to pour in the room like her tears were pouring down her cheeks.
Bruno sent a venomous look at Julieta, and then buried his face in his hands. Small screams were coming from him. With every scream Pepa's rain became harder, and everyone in the room was now completely soaked.
Julieta moved towards him, and placed a tentative hand on his shoulder. “Bruno...” she said, her voice filled with a level of caring that Pepa envied. “Oh Bruno... I'm so sorry.” Bruno looked up at her, face a twisted mix of anger and sadness.
“Bruno. Bruno please... I know... I know you can't live for us.” Julieta said quietly, and Pepa wished she didn't watch as Bruno nodded in agreement. He couldn't live for them. He couldn't live for Pepa. She wasn't enough for him...
But Julieta wasn't done speaking. She grabbed Bruno's right hand and placed it on her stomach. “If you can't live for us, please live for them!”
Bruno stared at his hand, then up at Julieta's face. “You're... pregnant?” he breathed, and Julieta nodded. Bruno looked at Pepa, and asked, “She said 'them'... are you...”
Pepa nodded, a hand pressed to her own stomach. Bruno blinked at his sisters, then he extended a hand out towards Pepa. “I...” he said quietly, like he shouldn't really be asking. “I want... to touch... both of them. At the...”
Without waiting another second Pepa crossed over to sit next to Julieta. It felt strange letting her brother a place a hand on her belly, but the look of joy that passed over Bruno's face was enough to make up for it.
He closed his eyes, a look of concentration on his face. Then a moment later he looked back up, and said in a quiet voice, “Hola sobrinas.”
Pepa felt her breath catch in her throat. As Bruno stared tears started to pour down his cheeks, stained a light green like they did if he cried right after a vision. He had seen...
“They're girls?” she asked, and Bruno nodded. He didn't speak to them, but he leaned close to Julieta's stomach and pressed his ear to it. “Hola sobrina, I'm... I'm your Tio Bruno.”
This felt wrong to watch. But Pepa couldn't tear her eyes away. Bruno's hand was still over Pepa's stomach, where her daughter was growing. Bruno now had a lazy smile on his face. Julieta ran her fingers through his hair, and said quietly, “And you're going to be an amazing Tio. The best Tio ever.”
Bruno looked up at her, and he looked like he wanted to cry. “Juli... They look so beautiful.” Julieta nodded, and said, “They're your sobrinas. And you get to keep them.” Bruno nodded, and said, “I'm gonna be there.”
He lifted his head off of Julieta's stomach, and silently pleaded to do the same for Pepa's. Pepa nodded, and he pressed his ear against her stomach.
“Hola sobrina, I'm your Tio. And I promise I'll always be here for you.” She stared down at him as he rested a hand on her side. “I'm going to be here for you sobrina. No matter what happens. And I'm sorry that I... I... almost wasn't.”
The night ended with Dolores falling fast asleep on Bruno's chair. Bruno picked her up, with a lot of difficulty. He carried her out of the walls, and into her room.
He took her inside and laid her down on her bed. He looked around and found a piece of paper, which he took and wrote on furiously.
Dearest Sobrina,
If you ever need someone to talk to, come visit. I promise I'll always have an open ear.
With all the love in my heart,
-TB