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Oliver Queen was childhood friends with Bruce Wayne. He was there when he graduated high school, when they snuck alcohol for the first time, and when he brought a child home because he found them at the circus.
He’d also had the shock of his life when he found out that his friend was the broody vigilante who claimed he was vengeance and sat on gargoyles. But he got over it, mostly because Roy insisted on having sleepovers with Dick Grayson and Dinah took a shine to Bruce’s latest stray, Jason Todd. That, and because he missed his friend.
However, he was rightfully upset with him again.
“Bruce!” He yelled, “Your number of children has doubled since my last visit and you didn’t tell me?”
Dick and Jason had appeared to tackle their favorite Arrow-family member when they’d arrived for dinner, but that didn’t explain the two girls that had also appeared. One blonde pre-teen and one Asian teen.
Bruce rounded the corner with a third child, this time a little black-haired boy, on his hip and two of his fingers in the kid’s mouth. He looked exhausted.
“Ollie, great, help me out here, Tim won’t spit out the kryptonite,” Bruce said and unceremoniously passed him the boy. “I need both hands.”
Oliver, confused but understanding that a kid trying to swallow a radioactive rock isn’t ideal, held the struggling and whining Tim as tight as he could without hurting him.
Bruce let out a small “Ah-ha!” as he pulled a surprisingly big shard from the boy’s mouth.
“No!” Tim whined, “B, I gotta eat it!”
Bruce didn’t even blink as he passed the shard to Alfred and got a wet wipe to clean his hands in return. “Absolutely not. Swallowing kryptonite will not make you untrackable to Superman, but it will hurt you. It’s radioactive. We do not put radioactive things inside us.”
Tim was pouting, going limp in Oliver’s arms. “I’ve eaten radioactive octopus before.”
“That isn’t a good thing,” Bruce looked pained. “Please don’t make me tell Leslie she needs to treat radiation poisoning in you again.”
“Told ya,” the blonde girl looked smug. “Idiot.”
“Steph, please don’t call Tim names,” Bruce said, before seeming to finally register that they’re not alone. “Oh hello Dinah, Roy.”
Roy was staring at Tim, “Why do you have a kid that sticks radioactive things in his mouth?”
“Cause ‘is parents were obviously not tellin’ ‘im not to stick ‘em in ‘is mouth,” Jason answered.
“Hello Bruce,” Dinah went up to hug the vigilante. “When did you become a father of 5?”
“Last month,” Bruce replied. “And it’s 4, Steph bit me when I suggested co-parenting with her mom.”
Steph nodded seriously, shamelessly.
“Adorable gremlin is Tim and silent shadow is Cass, his older sister. She’s also a better fighter than B,” Dick decides to introduce them when he realizes that Bruce is probably too tired from Tim-Wrangling and Vigilanting to remember how to interact with other people. “Steph is their best friend, and she likes to show up to annoy B for no reason. Uncle Ollie, I suggest you–”
Dick got cut-off from continuing by Tim shoving a league communicator into Oliver’s face and asking, “What’s this?”
“Uh…” Oliver looked at Dinah for help, but she looked equally panicked.
“Why do you have a faulty comm, Mr Arrow? Is it for distraction? Can I fix it? I’m really good at fixing things!” Tim was smiling.
“Mr Arrow?” Oliver echoed, wondering if Bruce really told an elementary schooler the entire league’s secret identities. Who was he kidding, Bruce would and has.
“Your goatee’s really distinctive, but don’t worry, it scares away the Fizzlegumps.”
Oliver looked around for help. Dick spun a finger around his temple to indicate the kid’s crazy. Jason saw and immediately punched his brother. Steph did the exact same thing as Dick, and Cass, seeing everyone else doing it, copied it too.
Bruce sighed, “Tim is magical and too smart for his own good. You’ve probably heard Constantine complaining about the haunted radio show run by a kid named Crow, that’s Tim. And no, don’t let him fix it, he has made half our comms be haunted by the souls of the drowned.”
“It was an accident!”
“I know, but until you aren’t cursing comms by accident, you can’t play with any of them. Now give your Uncle Ollie back his comm.”
Tim handed it back, “Fine.”
Oliver tried to take it in stride, “Thanks. Do you want to go down?”
Tim, apparently, didn’t. “No. I’m comfy. Do you like fungi?”
“Sure,” He said.
Tim smiled, “I licked black mold last week. B freaked. I had a cough for three days even with the medicine.”
Oliver could not take this in stride. Wide-eyed, he turned to Bruce. “I forgive you for not telling me. Have you even slept since you got them?”
“I’m about to,” Bruce turned around. “Don’t leave Tim unsupervised. Jason counts as supervision, but the girls and Dick do not. If anyone starts crying give them water, a hug, and Cass. If Cass cries, water, hug, then Tim. I need a nap. Good luck.”
“Wha-? Bruce wait!” Oliver cried out.
Bruce ignored him. Roy and Dick had already disappeared.
Oliver looked down at Tim.
Tim looked at him, “Wanna watch Scooby Doo with us? It’s Cass’ favorite.”
“Sure,” Oliver agreed. “Zombie Island?”
“Duh.”