Work Text:
A cold Christmas Eve night. The sound of cars driving past the house and children playing in the snowy weather was the only thing Louis could hear as he sat on the couch, staring at the decorated tree in the corner of the room. Christmas time was Louis' favourite time of the year, but this year felt different. The excitement he used to feel, ever since he was a kid, was nowhere to be found. His chest felt hollow as if someone had physically ripped his heart out and stomped on it, smashing it into tiny, tiny pieces that couldn't even be seen under a microscope.
It was Louis' birthday, and Harry couldn't even bother to text him. Or give him a call. No, he'd rather spend Christmas Eve with his mates at a bar instead of with his boyfriend. Who he had been dating for the past six years.
Louis couldn't understand where it all went wrong. Their relationship seemed perfect. Just a few months ago, they were planning their wedding, talking about starting a family they always dreamt of. Talking about adopting a little boy, so the girl they adopt afterwards would have a big brother to always protect her. Arguing over which dog breed they should choose because Louis wanted a Poodle while Harry wanted a Golden Retriever.
But suddenly, everything turned grey. Harry was rarely at home, either staying late at work or hanging out with his mates somewhere that wasn't their house. Their usual morning cuddle session turned into Louis waking up to the left side of the bed — cold and empty. Work was always an excuse, and Louis couldn't understand that. The job never required Harry to stay so late before.
Louis wasn't dumb, he knew something was going on. Because why else would his loving boyfriend turn so cold towards him, after everything that had happened?
At first, Louis blamed himself. The issues he had recovered from years ago with Harry's help had surfaced once again, hitting him much worse than when they started. With Harry's absence, Louis had no other escape.
'Maybe, just maybe, I'm not attractive enough for Harry. I let myself go.' Those thoughts seemed to never leave his mind as he continued to forget to eat every day. As his body continued to wither away, the little stomach pudge which Harry claimed to love disappearing, his bones protruding more and more.
His self-conscious thoughts were only proven when Harry refused to sleep with him when Louis tried to initiate some intimate time between the two. He only wanted to feel loved again, but Harry's words felt like he got hit by a truck filled with bricks.
"Louis, I said no. I'm not in the mood, stop being so needy."
Louis even tried to dress up in the lingerie Harry obsessed over just a few months before that night. The red lace panties that cupped his bum perfectly, two suspender belts on his thighs that connected to thigh highs. That same lingerie set was thrown away mid breakdown and Louis never wanted to see it again. He had never felt more unattractive.
Glancing at the clock above the television, Louis realised it was getting late. His birthday was ending in a few hours, and no word from Harry yet. His family called him, and his only two friends texted him, but his own boyfriend forgot. No one else even mattered at this point.
A shaky sigh escaped past his lips as Louis decided to just take a walk around the place, wanting to at least enjoy the snow properly. Getting up from the couch, he walked over to the shoe rack, putting on some warm shoes and a long, brown coat along with a scarf, so he wouldn't freeze and catch a cold. His body was weaker than usual. As soon as Louis got out of the house, he locked the door behind him, starting to walk down the road.
The Christmas decorations on each house illuminated the street, but Louis just couldn't feel that Christmas spirit, even if he was surrounded by it all. Snow was slowly falling, gentle snowflakes covering his coat as he walked down the street. Some fresh air was definitely needed, trying to distract himself from the suffocating thoughts.
The tip of his nose was turning red from the cold, his cheeks turning rosy. Harry always fonded over that sight, filling his camera roll with pictures of Louis in the snow, admiring each one of them. All of those random memories were running through Louis' mind, and not even a walk could help him feel better. Not even slightly.
Lost in his thoughts, Louis lost track of time as he let his feet lead him wherever, absentmindedly walking down the road until he found himself in front of a bar. It was filled with people celebrating, drinking and laughing, and Louis envied them all. Stopping in his tracks, Louis stood in front of the bar, his arms crossed against his chest as he stared through the window. It was fascinating, how every person he laid his gaze on had their own lives and their own issues, but they all managed to allow themselves to be happy, even for a short while. Louis only wallowed in his sadness and loneliness.
As he realised he was standing there for longer than he should have, Louis went to walk away, not wanting to seem like a crazy stalker or something. But, as he was about to avert his gaze away, a familiar set of curls caught his attention.
Harry.
And, he was apparently having the time of his life inside of the bar. Louis couldn't pry his gaze away from his boyfriend, his chest tightening up. Harry completely forgot about him. He was chatting with people with a smile Louis hadn't seen in ages now. The smile where his dimples turned visible, crinkles by his eyes and his green eyes brightened.
Louis had no idea what to do now. He wanted to go inside and catch Harry's attention, but he also wanted to go home and never show himself to anyone ever again.
The walk was a mistake. Louis should've stayed home.
And, God, was it a mistake.
Because the next thing Louis had to witness was Harry connecting his lips with another man.
Louis' heart dropped, lips parting in shock as he watched his boyfriend kiss another man. Tears welled up in his eyes, and his throat felt tight suddenly. It felt like someone was strangling him. Like someone wouldn't let him breathe.
A desperate gasp for air escaped him, tears falling as the cold air hit the wet skin, unable to look away from the scene that was happening behind that window. "No," he breathed out, seeing Harry pull away from the man with a smile that was supposed to be only for Louis.
Louis finally turned his head away, his feet quickly reacting as he rushed away from the bar. Hot tears were slipping from his eyes, trying to suppress his cries, but it was obvious the man was crying from the way his frail body shook, whimpers emitting from him.
Harry was cheating.
That was the only thing replaying in his mind as rushed back home. Unsure how he even managed to arrive at his front door, his hands struggled with the keys. His blurry vision made it impossible for Louis to see anything, but as soon as he heard a click coming from the door, he hurried inside.
The sight of the tree that Louis had decorated all by himself caused a loud sob to finally escape past his lips. His head was throbbing, and he had no idea what to do with himself.
His gaze fell onto the table that was all set up and filled with food he spent all day making for Harry and himself. So, out of pure anger and hurt, Louis went to the small wooden table and pushed every single plate and glass off of it. Loud crashing and glass breaking noises filled the kitchen, followed by heart-wrenching cries.
It felt as if he was losing his mind. Like he was truly going insane this time, wanting to rip the skin off of his body. Because Louis knew it was all his fault.
It was his fault.
Taking a step back, his back was met with the wall behind him, stepping over the glass in just his socks. Those white socks turned red, and Louis couldn't even feel the pain. The image of Harry kissing another person was hurting him enough.
Losing all the strength in his body suddenly, Louis slid down the wall with his knees pressed up against his chest. His hands were matching his feet, blood seeping out of the multiple tiny wounds the glass had caused. And Louis simply stared at the blood, his body shaking with sobs.
Disgust.
Shame.
That was all Louis could feel towards himself. It wasn't Harry's fault, no, he was the one to blame for all of this. He was the one incapable of being enough for his boyfriend. Louis was the one to blame for this.
At least, that's what the broken-hearted man thought.
Only God knows how long Louis stayed in that same position, but it was long enough to make him pass out against the wall of the kitchen. There was a piece of glass stuck in the heel of his foot, creating a small puddle of blood around it, but that was nothing compared to the pain he felt in his chest. It triggered all of the thoughts and urges Louis tried so hard to recover from.
Another day had started and Harry finally decided to show up at the house. Completely sober. The alcohol couldn't excuse his actions. Nothing could, and he was aware of it.
As Harry entered the house, he was met with a sight he would never be able to forget. The kitchen was a mess, glass shattered all over the wooden floor. But, that wasn't what mattered to him. It was Louis, who was curled up in the corner of the kitchen.
And suddenly, reality hit Harry.
It felt like a punch to the gut. Finally noticing how weak Louis looked, realizing what he had been doing for so many weeks. Ruining the only stable thing in his life. Ruining Louis. His precious boyfriend who would do anything for him.
Stepping over the broken glass, Harry made his way toward the small boy, crouching down to look at him. Guilt was suffocating him even stronger as he saw the tear stains coating his boy's cheeks.
"Lou," Harry murmured, brushing the soft brown hair from the other's face. Spots of dried blood littered the skin, causing Harry to furrow his eyebrows, glancing down. Only then did he realise Louis was bleeding. "You're bleeding," he breathed out in concern.
Louis could hear Harry, but he had no strength to open his eyes, let alone talk to him. After what he'd witnessed, Louis just wanted to drop dead. Feeling his body getting lifted from the floor, a small whimper escaped past his lips. The pain from his foot was only now hitting him, and his head was pounding. Everything hurt.
Being careful to not hurt Louis, Harry picked him up, standing up with the smaller man in his arms. This was the first time holding him properly in weeks, and he could feel how tinier Louis had gotten even over the thick clothes. It felt different. Louis felt different.
This wasn't the first major breakdown Louis went through. There were times when the boy tried to take his own life and Harry was there to hold him throughout it. But, this was the first one where Louis didn't have him by his side. And that terrified Harry, knowing the things the other was capable of doing to himself. The thought of losing Louis to something like that was terrifying. And he had no idea what even pushed Louis over the edge.
Silence took over as Harry carried him to the bathroom. Walking into the cold bathroom, Louis was set down on top of the sink since Harry knew he had woken up. Neither of them dared to utter a single word as Harry got out the first aid kit, to take care of the injured foot.
Louis could only stare ahead, his eyes now empty. It matched the feeling inside his chest. Harry had no idea if he'd rather have Louis cry or be empty like this, he couldn't decide what was worse. Both were scary.
Suddenly the silence was broken by a barely audible, heartbreaking whisper. If it weren't for the deafening silence, Harry wouldn't be able to even hear it.
"Why?"
Such a simple question, yet it caused Harry's chest to feel heavier. Looking up from Louis' now bandaged foot, their eyes met. His once-bright eyes were now bloodshot, the blue colour turned rather dull. The guilt was evident on Harry's face.
Before Harry could even say anything, Louis interrupted him. "I saw you yesterday. Kissing him," he admitted. It pained him to even utter those words.
Oh. Louis knew. Panic engulfed Harry as he stared up at him, feeling breathless. "Lou," he whispered.
"I was wondering why you were never at home lately," Louis rasped out. "I truly thought you were busy with work. I'm such a fool," he chuckled weakly, the empty eyes now glistening with fresh tears. But, he pushed them back because if a single tear escapes, Louis wouldn't be able to stop them.
"No. Louis, I... It was nothing, it didn't mean anything," Harry choked out, tears burning his eyes. He had no idea how to fix this, how to excuse his actions.
"Nothing?" Louis repeated, eyebrows furrowing. "It isn't nothing for me. I mean. I get it — It's my fault. I've been such a bad boyfriend lately," he sniffled, starting to fall apart again as he scratched the dried blood off his palms, causing the tiny wounds to start bleeding again. "It's just — You promised, Harry," he choked out a sob, unable to control himself anymore.
The rest of the bandage Harry was holding slipped from his hand and fell onto the floor as he watched the consequences of his actions unfold in front of him. In the worst way possible.
"You promised you would never hurt me like this," Louis cried out, eyes shutting tightly. "You're— You're cheating on me," he choked out, not wanting to believe this was actually happening. It had to be some sort of a nightmare. But, the pain felt too real.
Noticing what Louis was doing to himself, Harry's hands reached out subconsciously, stopping him from doing any more damage. "I'm... I'm so sorry," the man whispered to his lover, placing the palm of his hand against Louis' to stop the bleeding. "I'm so sorry. I– I don't know why I did it," he said, unsure if his words were only making the situation worse, speaking without thinking.
But, Louis wasn't having it. His hand pushed Harry's fingers away, not letting him touch him. His touch burned now, knowing those same hands were all over someone else just a few hours ago.
"Don't. Don't touch me, Harry," he sniffled, keeping his hands to himself, almost as if he was shielding himself from Harry.
"Lou. Baby, I promise you he means nothing to me. It was so stupid of me, I... I don't know why it happened," the curly-haired man spoke desperately.
"It didn't look like he meant nothing to you!" Louis finally snapped, causing Harry to flinch at the sudden loudness. "You... You looked so happy! Do you realise that you haven't– you haven't shown me that smile in months? And then I see you—" A sob interrupted him, feeling like he was losing his mind, hands going up to hide his face.
It broke Harry's heart, seeing Louis crumble like this. Tears slipped past his eyes, bottom lip trembling, but he bit down the inside of it to stop it. Harry had no idea what to say. The words were stuck in his throat.
"I'm sorry," he kept repeating, but Louis kept shaking his head at each apology. "I love you. I do, Louis, I'm so stupid. I'm an idiot, I... I don't know why it happened," Harry breathed out.
"I know why it happened! It's because you don't love me anymore," Louis replied.
"That's – That's not true."
"It is! You've gotten bored of me and–and I'm not as fit as I used to be. The guy you were with looked so much better, and I understand! I understand why you don't like me anymore," he said, trying to wipe his tears away, but they kept coming. The salty tears were stinging the wounds on his hand.
"I love you! That... That guy was a mistake, I don't even know him!" Harry tried to explain, but only made things worse each time he opened his mouth.
"You're making me feel like I am the mistake!" Louis cried. "Now, leave me alone! Get out of my house," he begged him, not wanting to look at Harry anymore. This was overwhelming for his fragile mind.
"Louis—"
"Leave!" Louis looked at him through bloodshot eyes, hot tears continuing to fall. Harry stared at him with parted lips, realising how much he had fucked up. The damage was beyond fixing and Louis' appearance only proved it.
"Broke your promise — I don't want to see you," Louis sobbed, now the words escaping him making no sense. All the urges were hitting him all at once, and he indeed just wanted to stop existing. Stop breathing. Stop being an inconvenience to everyone around him. The promises the two made were the only thing keeping Louis sane, but if Harry broke his promise, then Louis might as well break his. What should he stay alive for now?
"I'm so sorry. I'm sorry," Harry kept repeating as he stood up, obeying Louis' wishes and leaving him all alone. The bathroom door shut behind him, the loud noise making him flinch again. His mind was a mess, and it was his fault. His impulsive decisions ruined everything.
So, Harry simply left the bedroom, making his way toward the living room. The only sound he could hear was his racing heartbeat mixed with the cries from Louis that were tugging at his heartstrings. All Harry wished he could do was to hold Louis in his arms until he calmed down, but how could he do that when he was the one to blame for this? For making his precious boyfriend relapse after all the progress he had made.
Louis was left alone in the bathroom, and that wasn't a good idea, at all. Being alone with his mind after what just went on was the last thing he needed. Hopping off the sink, pain spread through his left leg, more tears falling.
The mirror caught his attention, seeing someone he thought he'd never see again in the reflection. His mind was screaming at him, repeating all the bad things that had happened and everything was hitting him all at once. Staring at himself in the mirror, Louis started to lose himself even more.
A surprising pained scream emitted from the unstable man, his first flying towards the mirror. The reflection deformed completely, pieces of the glass hitting the sink. Blood dripped down from Louis' fist, and suddenly, his mind craved more. That wasn't enough for his sick mind, wanting to rip his skin off. He didn't want to spend any more time in this body, loathing everything about his existence.
Louis was in so much pain. It felt like he wasn't meant to be happy. Harry was his future, but what now? There was no way things would get fixed. He had no future and his past was filled with abuse and suffering. The present is nothing but pain and loneliness, even if he was in a relationship.
The urge to not feel anymore was too strong. Louis didn't want to live in this world anymore. He never belonged here. And truth is, Louis felt like he didn't belong anywhere in the cosmos.
It felt like hours passed while he eyed the broken glass scattered over the sink, but in reality, it had only been a few seconds. Through his blurry vision, Louis' bloody hand found the sharpest piece, gripping it tightly. The edges cut into his palm, but that still wasn't enough for him.
It all happened so quickly. Louis let the thoughts of death consume him, acting out of pure impulse and hurt as he rolled up the sleeve of his brown sweater. In a quick motion, Louis dug the sharpest part of the glass into his skin, vertically dragging it down the hardest he could. A loud cry emitted from him, his knees buckling from the amount of pain that just spread throughout his entire body, not just the arm. The blood was gushing out, and fuck, Louis realised only then realised what he did.
"No, no," he kept weakly repeating, trying to stop the blood from seeping, but he had no strength to properly do it. Fear engulfed him, regret hitting him immediately. His ears were buzzing suddenly, vision slowly getting more blurry as desperate gasps for air escaped him. "Harry... No, please," he choked out through his cries, hoping his boyfriend would come into the bathroom and help him.
But, Harry was gone. He left him just like Louis asked him to. At least that was what Louis thought. Nonetheless, he continued to weakly call for him, but his cries only got quieter and quieter as minutes passed.
However, Harry was sitting on the couch downstairs, oblivious to everything that was going on upstairs, too lost in his guilt to hear anything. But, he did have a bad gut feeling, his nervousness only growing by the minute. It took him a while to finally listen to his gut, making his way upstairs to the bathroom again, unable to leave Louis all alone in fear of something bad happening.
Hearing faint whimpers coming from the bathroom, Harry's worry only grew. Especially when he heard Louis call out for him from the other side of the door. Without a warning, Harry opened the door.
"Oh," emitted from Harry the moment he laid his eyes on Louis.
All he could see was red. The amount of blood surrounding his lover made Harry feel sick, his heart dropping to his stomach. Rushing to him, Harry fell onto his knees, grabbing a random towel near them to wrap it around the injured arm, trying to stop the blood.
"Louis. Lou. No, what did you do?" Harry cried in fear as his other hand struggled to find his phone. "What did you do?" He repeated desperately, his fingers shakily dialling the ambulance.
Louis was slipping in and out of consciousness. Barely hearing what Harry was saying, it all felt like a dream, the buzzing noise in his ears only getting louder. His cries came to a stop, only letting out weak, barely audible whimpers. "Ha. Harry," he kept calling out.
Meanwhile, Harry had called an ambulance. His hand was gripping the now red towel as he desperately talked to the person on the other line, setting the phone down so he could pull Louis into his arms.
"Baby. Lou, stay awake for me," he pleaded, keeping the palm of his hand against the boy's pale cheek, lifting his head. "Keep your eyes open, my love. It... It's going to be okay. You're not leaving me," Harry kept crying, trying to reassure both himself and Louis.
And, he stayed in that position until the ambulance came rushing into the house, hearing the heart-wrenching cries coming from upstairs. They entered the bathroom, finding Harry holding Louis' unconscious body right against his chest, his clothes covered in the red liquid. They instantly intervented, prying Louis away from Harry's arms. While they were taking Louis away, one of them tried to calm Harry down, offering him to go with them to the hospital.
And that's how Harry found himself in the back of the ambulance vehicle, staring at one of the medics helping his boyfriend stay alive.
The waiting room was one of the most depressing places. Especially for Harry who was waiting to find out if his lover survived the attempt or if Harry got there too late. His mind felt empty, his body going through a shock as he sat in the plain white room. The only colour Harry could notice seemed to be the blood staining his clothes and skin.
Harry was never much of a religious person, but the whole time, he just prayed to whoever was up there that Louis would survive. That he would get the chance to hold him in his arms again.
The universe was playing a cruel, cruel game. The feeling of each one of his heart vessels breaking apart was unexplainable. No words could explain the way Harry was feeling.
Fear, guilt, regret.
Shame.
Anger.
Everything was hitting him.
All he could think about were their promises. The ones they made years ago. Harry had promised Louis he would never leave him, or make him feel like other people did. That they would be together forever. The two of them against the world. And, Louis promised he would stay alive.
Empty promises they both swore.
And also broke.